Advice with Asian wife

[Tapatio89]

Hello!!

It has been a long time I have not been here. I am a Latino man (Mexican) married with a Oriental woman (Japanese). I am having issues in my marriage right now. About two months ago, my wife and I got into a huge quarrel that involved from both sides physical and emotional abuse. She then grabbed the knife and threatened to kill herself. She got out of the home and the neighbours saw her. To make the story short, she left home and she took all of our money and is now at a Japanese hotel in Mexico City where we currently live.

I felt devastated and fell into a big depression. And to make things worse, my landlord at the time because of this incident, gave me a week to move out of her place as the entire neighbourhood saw my wife with the knife. Had to sell some things I left in the US with my sister´s help to move to another apartment.

Now, I am seeing a therapist who specializes in couples therapy and also taking mood stabilizers prescribed by my psychiatrist as I admit not everything in this relationship is her fault. Even I got a weekend job as a real estate agent to prove her financial stability.

I admit her culture and mine are very different as I never expected she will be very resentful because I hit her the first time in my life and I stood up more than a year her physical abuse as she got angry over the littlest of things. As a Latino, we Latinos in general do not hold grudges nor we are resentful as those types of feelings are looked down in Latino/Mediterranean culture. But, I noticed with Asian people, they tend to hold grudges quite long. I am trying to prove to my wife that things will be different at home, but she told me in a few weeks, she will start living together but only once a week to see how good I change my flaws. I told her it is unreasonable as this is only judged by living together everyday, not only coming once a week. But she says that she will increase the time period as she feels more comfortable with me until living again together permanently. I agreed to it, but she does not want to tell me when we can live together again nor the time period to test this. As a Latino, we tend to be suspicious type of people, and I see this as she is not trusting and calculating. Unlike in Asian cultures in which being calculating is even seen as good, Latinos we look down on calculating people, to the point we do not trust them at all as trust is VERY important for us Latinos.

Also is the jealousy part. My wife does not understand that Latinos we are jealous type of people, and that for us, showing jealousy means we love the girl or man deeply. For her, she sees it as controlling or treating her like property, whilst for me, that is not my intention. She basically wants me to act Japanese man, but realistically and logically speaking, I am not Japanese, I do not look Japanese nor I grew up in that culture or that mentality. I told her there has to be a compromise between the two, but she only wants to do her way. I find her way very close minded and it is a perfect recipe for disaster. I never expected Asian people to be very close minded. And this is not racist as I have worked at two Japanese companies (my current company is Japanese), and all the Japanese I have met are very close minded and think they way of doing business works in Mexico when it does NOT work at all. Latinos we tend to be more open minded, however, we will not tolerate a foreigner getting clever and act superior. I feel my wife thinks her culture is superior to mine, but fails to realize that her way does not work in Mexico nor with a Latino man. I have tried to be flexible to her ways, but she does not want to be to mine, not even in two things. Heck, she does not even want to learn about why Latinos think and see things like this, only she believes her way is the right way.

I want your advice, and especially from a forum member married to an Oriental woman. How can I win her again and for her to not be resentful? How can I show her I truly love her based on her cultural views of love? My wife I do not think she is aware, but Mexicans, when we love truthfully, we are willing to adapt to the other person, no matter the costs. If she was with an Asian or Anglo-saxon man, it might not had been the case as they usually do not tolerate her behaviour nor bossy women. My wife likes Latino or Mediterranean features and passion, but she also has to understand the culture and mentality.

I am not the stereotypical Latino man or husband who is womanizer, drunkard, controlling, macho. I am very committed to my wife and I love her to death,and will try to save my marriage no matter at whatever cost. I just hope someday she can see this, and not let her resentment and close mindedness control her.

I especially would appreciate the advice of the forum owner Winston who is Asian-American and although I know you are not typical Asian, you are very familiar with the culture and mentality. I thank all of you with anticipation.

Cheers

[Yohan]

I am not sure, how long you have been married, with or without children, but I doubt if your wife is a typical Japanese, born and grown up in Japan. Such a violent behavior of a wife is more likely to happen in USA and in Latin American countries but not in Japan.

I am living in Japan, Tokyo since 1976, married with a Japanese wife since more than 3 decades, I am not a Japanese either, but from Europe.
While my wife has also 'her days' from time to time, it never has been something even similar to what I read here in your comment.

Never I have heard something similar to your situation within my extended family either (her brother+wife, their 2 daughters+husbands, our 2 daughters and their husbands etc.) or from co-workers, friends and neighbors.

My advice will not be very appreciated I think, but openly - your marriage is broken beyond repair.
Moving around with a knife and living away from home since months is too much, not a good prospect for a nice future together.

I noticed that you want to keep your marriage with her, but I do not read anything that she tries the same and is willing to keep in contact with you.
This does not make any sense - to try it again together cannot work out as a one-way offer to the other spouse.

In your situation it is better to separate/divorce and to start again with entire new people next to you. Believe me...
Just my opinion.

[Tapatio89]

I am not sure, how long you have been married, with or without children, but I doubt if your wife is a typical Japanese, born and grown up in Japan. Such a violent behavior of a wife is more likely to happen in USA and in Latin American countries but not in Japan.

I am living in Japan, Tokyo since 1976, married with a Japanese wife since more than 3 decades, I am not a Japanese either, but from Europe.
While my wife has also 'her days' from time to time, it never has been something even similar to what I read here in your comment.

Never I have heard something similar to your situation within my extended family either (her brother+wife, their 2 daughters+husbands, our 2 daughters and their husbands etc.) or from co-workers, friends and neighbors.

My advice will not be very appreciated I think, but openly - your marriage is broken beyond repair.
Moving around with a knife and living away from home since months is too much, not a good prospect for a nice future together.

I noticed that you want to keep your marriage with her, but I do not read anything that she tries the same and is willing to keep in contact with you.
This does not make any sense - to try it again together cannot work out as a one-way offer to the other spouse.

In your situation it is better to separate/divorce and to start again with entire new people next to you. Believe me...
Just my opinion.

She is born and raised in Japan, but she is has never lived in a foreign country. And yes, she is not typical Japanese woman. We have been married almost two years, with no children.

I think she wants to be still together but is confused, as we talk almost everyday on Whatsapp and we have gone on dates and on 20 March, she will start staying at home overnight and doing it once a week and increasing it if she sees changes on my flaws until eventually we live again together. Those were her words as well and I agreed to it. in fact, we have a date together this coming Sunday. Also, she talks to me about financial plans for the future and such things. She has been living in Japanese hotel for two months, but now she is taking the step to gradually move back together. And on the 14 March, she will attend couple therapy with me. She also told me she noticed some changes as I now take medications for mood swings.

I think deep inside, she still has feelings for me as when we are on dates, we do kiss and cuddle whilst walking and also I am her first serious relationship with a man.

I just want an advice from you how can I understand her and show love by her cultural point of view as you have been married to a Japanese woman for years.

I appreciate your advice, but I do not want a divorce. Divorce is out of the question as I truly love my wife and want to prove her she is wrong. I will not give up and even though I have flaws like my jealousy and my moodiness, at least I am not a womanizer, drunkard, irresponsible man like typical Latin American men tend to be and I do not consider myself typical Latin American man. I think deep inside she knows this as she told me before I am the first man who is patient with her and does not run away from commitment. When I love a woman, I TRULY love.

Cheers

[Yohan]

We have been married almost two years, with no children.
.....
... on 20 March, she will start staying at home overnight and doing it once a week and increasing it if she sees changes on my flaws until eventually we live again together

... she talks to me about financial plans for the future and such things. She has been living in Japanese hotel for two months, but now she is taking the step to gradually move back together. And on the 14 March, she will attend couple therapy with me. She also told me she noticed some changes as I now take medications for mood swings.
.....
I just want an advice from you how can I understand her and show love by her cultural point of view as you have been married to a Japanese woman for years.

I appreciate your advice, but I do not want a divorce.

....she told me before I am the first man who is patient with her and does not run away from commitment...

I am sorry but my opinion did not change after reading your follow-up comment.
Only 2 years married, without children is not a bad timing to consider a restart with another woman for a better future for yourself.

To make it clear: You are NOT the problem, SHE is the problem. I also noticed she is creating conditions to control you, what about your conditions to control her?

If you are taking medications for mood swings, what about her?

All what I read again, it's a one-way from you to her.

She is talking about a financial plan for your common future? Are you kidding me?
What financial plan? I am working full-time and my wife gets a certain amount for housekeeping every month and this is it.

She was running around with a KNIFE, moving out for months and taking all money with her, what about HER behavior and HER medications?

What is going on between her and you - this is not just some ordinary quarrel between a couple you can find within every marriage from time to time - my one included - this is a dangerous reaction and irresponsible behavior by HER side and NOT by your side.

About the cultural point here in Japan, I do not really see one - because in general, our women in Japan are not like that.

What I read here is more similar to Koreans, where family life is often known to be violent but considered as normal behavior. However in Korean families, man, wife and children are insulting each other loudly, beating up each other using their hands and feet but continue to live together without moving away for months. They are usually together again within a few HOURS like if nothing happened before.

In your case I am worried, I see only a red flag, nothing else. What happened with you during the last few months might happen with you in future again, and why should you make your life complicated? You should think more about yourself.

Nice to hear that she says, you are not running away from commitment - but she has to be aware, that there are limits, too much is too much. What your wife has done with you is - just my opinion - already by far over the top.

Sorry, but what I read so far about your situation and your idea to continue to live together again does not convince me at all.

We will see if some other members of this forum will also reply to your situation.

[Tapatio89]

[/quote]

I am sorry but my opinion did not change after reading your follow-up comment.
Only 2 years married, without children is not a bad timing to consider a restart with another woman for a better future for yourself.

To make it clear: You are NOT the problem, SHE is the problem. I also noticed she is creating conditions to control you, what about your conditions to control her?

If you are taking medications for mood swings, what about her?

All what I read again, it's a one-way from you to her.

She is talking about a financial plan for your common future? Are you kidding me?
What financial plan? I am working full-time and my wife gets a certain amount for housekeeping every month and this is it.

She was running around with a KNIFE, moving out for months and taking all money with her, what about HER behavior and HER medications?

What is going on between her and you - this is not just some ordinary quarrel between a couple you can find within every marriage from time to time - my one included - this is a dangerous reaction and irresponsible behavior by HER side and NOT by your side.

About the cultural point here in Japan, I do not really see one - because in general, our women in Japan are not like that.

What I read here is more similar to Koreans, where family life is often known to be violent but considered as normal behavior. However in Korean families, man, wife and children are insulting each other loudly, beating up each other using their hands and feet but continue to live together without moving away for months. They are usually together again within a few HOURS like if nothing happened before.

In your case I am worried, I see only a red flag, nothing else. What happened with you during the last few months might happen with you in future again, and why should you make your life complicated? You should think more about yourself.

Nice to hear that she says, you are not running away from commitment - but she has to be aware, that there are limits, too much is too much. What your wife has done with you is - just my opinion - already by far over the top.

Sorry, but what I read so far about your situation and your idea to continue to live together again does not convince me at all.

We will see if some other members of this forum will also reply to your situation.[/quote]

Sorry, mate,. but I am not going to see another woman as I truly love my wife.

And how am I not the problem? According to my wife, I am the one at fault that I make her angry and I am the cause of her outbursts and the reason she hits me. I agree that I had made mistakes from my part like my jealousy, my moodiness, not always being able to be financially stable, but I am trying to make things work.

What makes things more complicated is that her Japanese friends (including my former boss who is a mutual friend), all side with her and do not want to listen to me. They deny that they are defending her because she is from the same race as her, but their actions honestly tell a different story as they are very close minded about me and think I will never change and everything is my fault. Both my Mexican friends and my American friends and my family (including my sister who is studying to be a psychologist in the US) and even my therapist does not agree at all how my wife is handling the situation as she is making it worse and applaud me to seek help first.

About the financial plan, she wants me to give her all the money as she says in Japan, it is custom to give salary to wife. I agreed to it as we have done it in the past.

Her attempt to have past relationship with men had all failed because all of these men never had married her even less a relationship and all either left the relationship after not tolerating more the hitting or attacked her even by choking her after tolerating too much of her physical abuse. I had been her first relationship with a man and marriage and also had been the most patient with her, although she also has been patient with me to be fair.

My wife is going to couples therapy with me on 14 March, so we will see how therapist will talk with her.

[droid]

The posts are long but there is actually too little information to know what is going on. Tapatio is too racially-obsessed, what's up with that? there are average race differences, but at the end individuals have great variances.

From the information i can see (mind you i'm kind of always too quick to give this layman interpretation) it might be a BPD (borderline personality) woman and narcissistic male pairing here.

A few but strong tell tales:
-woman with a knife threatening suicide
-woman states physical abuse from previous partners, possibly fake (or real, stemming from her crazy-making behavior)
-victim "acknowledging" own "faults"

What is the cause or of your jealousy Tapatio? is it really unfounded or does she flirt with other dudes in front of you?

*Stop with the race obsession, there are real patterns but individuals are not supposed to act in strict predetermined ways.

[Cornfed]

Clearly she is unsuitable, so why not just leave her?

[Will N. Dowd]

You should have listened to Tom Leykis.

Since you didn't, listen to him now so you can get out of your bad mistake, and prevent it happening again:

https://blowmeuptom.com/

You'll thank him and me.

[Yohan]

And how am I not the problem? According to my wife, I am the one at fault that I make her angry and I am the cause of her outbursts and the reason she hits me.
.....
What makes things more complicated is that her Japanese friends (including my former boss who is a mutual friend), all side with her and do not want to listen to me. They deny that they are defending her because she is from the same race as her, but their actions honestly tell a different story as they are very close minded about me and think I will never change and everything is my fault.
.....

About the financial plan, she wants me to give her all the money as she says in Japan, it is custom to give salary to wife. I agreed to it as we have done it in the past.
.....
Her attempt to have past relationship with men had all failed because all of these men never had married her even less a relationship and all either left the relationship after not tolerating more the hitting or attacked her even by choking her after tolerating too much of her physical abuse..

You are not the problem.
If a woman goes so far to hit her man, takes a knife and is moving out for months and is taking all money with her it is hardly only the fault of the man.
SHE is the problem.

Most Japanese men are not pro-feminist and therefore do not 'as a default' defend women in case of domestic violence regardless if this woman/the man is a foreigner or a Japanese. Such violence as you explain is not the usual way in Japan to quarrel with a spouse in case of domestic disputes.

What is however difficult to understand for most Japanese, for both men and women, is why you are still running after your violent wife, despite she left you and moved away for several months. Most Japanese men would 'pack their few belongings' and 'disappear', and are gone - for always with a chance ever to return - especially young men who do not own any property and merely rent a room as divorce is easy in Japan - fill in a form using the internet, go to the ward office and sign. If both agree and sign, it's finished and there are plenty of other men and women around for a new start.

For sure I can say, it is not the Japanese custom to give the wife ALL money, especially not to a wife who left already after a quarrel and took all the common money with her. About myself, I give my wife about 75 % of my basic salary, I keep the rest for myself, and also keep for myself all bonus pay and overtime.
Our savings are in our own name, different accounts, different banks.

However many young Japanese couples now do not have children and both are working and merely sharing the rent, utilities and similar expenses 50/50, and what is left is for him or for her. Not possible in our marriage, as we had 2 children and 4 relatives for elderly care, so my wife did not work outside the house and had no regular income.

Finally, I am not surprised that past relationships of your wife failed - what your wife is doing is rather abusive and the majority of Japanese men are not willing to tolerate that. They rarely hit back however, but they say nothing and walk away - forgotten already, see you never again.

[Ghost]

.

[Tapatio89]

The posts are long but there is actually too little information to know what is going on. Tapatio is too racially-obsessed, what's up with that? there are average race differences, but at the end individuals have great variances.

From the information i can see (mind you i'm kind of always too quick to give this layman interpretation) it might be a BPD (borderline personality) woman and narcissistic male pairing here.

A few but strong tell tales:
-woman with a knife threatening suicide
-woman states physical abuse from previous partners, possibly fake (or real, stemming from her crazy-making behavior)
-victim "acknowledging" own "faults"

What is the cause or of your jealousy Tapatio? is it really unfounded or does she flirt with other dudes in front of you?

*Stop with the race obsession, there are real patterns but individuals are not supposed to act in strict predetermined ways.

I am not narcissistic personality disorder. If you want to know, I have Asperger´s Syndrome, which is a mild form of autism.

And sorry about the race comment, but it was just observations, and I agree in many ways my wife is not typical Japanese woman.

The cause of my jealousy it is complex. When I was taking medication, I was rarely jealous but I decided impulsively to stop taking medication, I became more jealous and even irrationally jealous. But most importantly, I got most jealous because I found out from a former acquaintance my wife was an escort, and this killed me as I was honest with her about me. I decided to ask calmly and showed her the ad link of her escort page as her photo was there and asked her if this was true, and if it is, I will not leave her and understand her reasons. She started to cry and told me the ad was fake. I did not believe her as the writing style in that ad is the same as hers so I looked at that ad continuosly as for me I had been cheated in the past as I never cheated in my relationships.

Two months after we got married, my wife confessed to me she was an escort indeed. I felt betrayed as why she had to lie in the first place even after I gave her my trust to tell me. I was crying a lot as I hate disloyalty and dishonesty. I only lied about my financial status to her because I risked of she abandoning me, but never told her a lie of this magnitude. So I forgave her and tried to understand her reasoning and moved on.

I also get jealous because she sometimes adds men on her FB and she always tells me it is net word and it is not reality. In my culture, it is not socially acceptable a married woman does this as this can label her as a "whore". But I did enter into her phone and checked messages on her FB whilst she was not looking,and indeed she was not cheating on me, and she gets aggresive and tells me she is not my property or that I am psycho or insecure. I admit I felt terrible and indeed she was telling the truth. I am working on my jealousy with my therapist.

What is really bizarre is that my former boss I worked at Calpis which is a 39 year old Japanese male is that he sided on my wife and scolded me and told me I am at fault for making her grab the knife since I hit her before she grabbed the knife, though I told him she attacked me with cleaning chemicals and with a wet rag and yelling and insulting me and kicking me in the quarrel. I have only hit her two times, she has hit me a lot of times for almost two years I do not know where to start. He also said that I lack emotional intelligence as I do not understand her feelings. What he does not know is that if I lacked emotional intelligence, then I would never have married her or worse, attacked her and even killed her after finding out she was a prostitute.

But I did not as I had heart and genuine love feelings for her. My former boss is not aware she was a prostitute and of course she did not told him. I feel she is manipulating the truth and only wants to let him know what she wants him to know. I already told my therapist she was an escort. I admit I lied to my former boss I hit my wife as I was afraid of the legal aspects but later confessed to him. He now feels I am dishonest, but fails to see that my wife is not telling him the entire truth either, though she seems more calculating about it. My wife in reality she is much insecure than she really wants to pretend to be confident as she is very sensitive about that fact and about her past, which I cannot discuss it here, but if I did, I think everyone here would see how much I truly love her as you know the VAST majority of men, would never have an escort as a wife or also the rest about her past.

[Tapatio89]

Clearly she is unsuitable, so why not just leave her?

Because I really love her. And when I got married, I swore commitment on this marriage, thus I cannot coward it. When I really love a woman, I REALLY love, and the kind of love is a deep one, not a superficial one. I am a very faithful man, and will not give up. My wife always wanted a committed man that does not coward, well I am, and she should see it as she knows very well I am like that. I think she should be more grateful. Everyone tells her how lucky she is to have me, because believe me, almost all men would have ran away like a roadrunner.

[Tapatio89]

If your wife as violent towards you AND left you, then I think the best you can think of it is as a "get out of jail free" card. You're blaming yourself for her clear instability and issues - you didn't cause her to be like this. Being legally married is problematic, but hopefully you can deal with that part and move after you sever ties.

The bigger issue I see is that if she wants to come back, you're going to need to be strong enough to resist.

I am strongt enough to be tolerant of her. My therapist and I already formulated a plan of when she gets angry and what to do. I have to follow it with precisions.

[Cornfed]

The whole situation sounds like a complete trainwreck. Perhaps the wife would benefit from a few good whippings though.

[Tapatio89]

And how am I not the problem? According to my wife, I am the one at fault that I make her angry and I am the cause of her outbursts and the reason she hits me.
.....
What makes things more complicated is that her Japanese friends (including my former boss who is a mutual friend), all side with her and do not want to listen to me. They deny that they are defending her because she is from the same race as her, but their actions honestly tell a different story as they are very close minded about me and think I will never change and everything is my fault.
.....

About the financial plan, she wants me to give her all the money as she says in Japan, it is custom to give salary to wife. I agreed to it as we have done it in the past.
.....
Her attempt to have past relationship with men had all failed because all of these men never had married her even less a relationship and all either left the relationship after not tolerating more the hitting or attacked her even by choking her after tolerating too much of her physical abuse..

You are not the problem.
If a woman goes so far to hit her man, takes a knife and is moving out for months and is taking all money with her it is hardly only the fault of the man.
SHE is the problem.

Most Japanese men are not pro-feminist and therefore do not 'as a default' defend women in case of domestic violence regardless if this woman/the man is a foreigner or a Japanese. Such violence as you explain is not the usual way in Japan to quarrel with a spouse in case of domestic disputes.

What is however difficult to understand for most Japanese, for both men and women, is why you are still running after your violent wife, despite she left you and moved away for several months. Most Japanese men would 'pack their few belongings' and 'disappear', and are gone - for always with a chance ever to return - especially young men who do not own any property and merely rent a room as divorce is easy in Japan - fill in a form using the internet, go to the ward office and sign. If both agree and sign, it's finished and there are plenty of other men and women around for a new start.

For sure I can say, it is not the Japanese custom to give the wife ALL money, especially not to a wife who left already after a quarrel and took all the common money with her. About myself, I give my wife about 75 % of my basic salary, I keep the rest for myself, and also keep for myself all bonus pay and overtime.
Our savings are in our own name, different accounts, different banks.

However many young Japanese couples now do not have children and both are working and merely sharing the rent, utilities and similar expenses 50/50, and what is left is for him or for her. Not possible in our marriage, as we had 2 children and 4 relatives for elderly care, so my wife did not work outside the house and had no regular income.

Finally, I am not surprised that past relationships of your wife failed - what your wife is doing is rather abusive and the majority of Japanese men are not willing to tolerate that. They rarely hit back however, but they say nothing and walk away - forgotten already, see you never again.

How am I not the problem? She and even my former boss said I am the problem as my former boss scolded me for hitting her twice and told me real men do not hit women, even if the woman hits her many times. But she has hitted me a lot of times for more than two years and I never fought back. I mean, it is natural that I reacted like that after so much. My boss he is being unreasonable. I bet you all my monthly salary if he was in my shoes, either he would hit back or run from that relationship. I feel he is just being a hypocrite, but I could be wrong.

Two months is not a lot of months, although I told her that this is not how one solves problems as this is perfect recipe for destroying it.

I go after my wife because I truly love her. When I got married, I swore full commitment and never coward from it like my father did and abandon my mother, my sister and I for another woman and be an absent father. I swore I would never be like that. I really love my wife deeply to the point I do not see other women now as I am not interested.

That is because most Japanese men and also from what I observed in North Americans when I was in the US is that once it gets heated bad, they run away and coward from it.In my culture, we are taught to be more patient, tolerant, not be resentful, especially in marriage. In fact, in Latin and Mediterranean cultures, we see this as normal in a marriage that it happens and we are more stronger in adapting or even fixing it in comparison to foreigners, at least in our point of view, not to mention we tend to be on average more of a sentimental/feeling people in comparison to Japanese and Scandinavians who are colder and does not attach feelings in a marriage. For us Latinos, running away from this kind of dramas or crisis is considered cowardly and weak as it shows in our view the man or woman is not trustworthy, committed, realistic and mature enough that these things happens and if one does not sacrifice, then he or she does not love you. And I think I have shown it or at least I try to in my marriage because I love her deeply.

Please read about my wife´s past and about her being a former escort. and let me know about it. I want to ask you how Japanese society views a man like me being married to an escort? In my country, society looks down a lot as this is a Catholic country and only a non-respectable man here marries a woman like that not to mention that in Mexican law, if husband finds his wife is a prostitute or she lies about it to husband and he finds out and he kills her or attacks her brutally, it is not considered a crime as it will be only consider a "crime of passion" and the man is not guilty as the woman was the dishonest one, not him. Very different from the US or other English speaking countries. Of course I would never do such thing, but the vast majority of men here would do it if they found out such information.

I also with my permission, you can tell to your wife my story and what she thinks about my wife´s behaviour and who is mostly at fault here? I thank you with anticipation, as well as for your advices. Well, I thank all of you for trying to help.

Cheers