Winston wrote:To my dad:
"Btw please read this post about how my life was totally f***ed up in 1981 and went from heaven to hell.
viewtopic.php?f=1&t=31451&p=265157#p265157
You should feel some deep guilt and regret about it. Its a lot more serious than you imagine. You dont know what its like to be teased, ridiculed, mocked and bullied for 7 years EVERYDAY by 30+ kids from 1982 to 1989. It totally f***s you up for life. You can never forget it. Like a damaged root inside a tree, it stays with you forever. You never forget it. You are lucky you didnt experience this. Its much much worse than you can imagine. Much much worse. The psychological damage i incurred goes far beyond any words can describe.
My childhood was much worse than that of an abused or raped child even. My suffering was much greater than theirs. Yet the media and psychology literature only talks about their suffering, not mine.
Even God cannot understand how much damage and suffering i went through. Jesus only suffered on the cross for one day. On the other hand, i suffered everday for 7 years! So theres no comparison. Therefore, even God does not understand what i went through.
When i googled the schools in palo alto i went to, including springer elementary, i find that people said they were wonderful positive environments. This means that had i stayed there i probably would have had a much happier childhood. And become a normal adult.
You cannot keep ignoring this issue. You should feel deep regret and guilt about it. I still do. Because its true and real and it happened. You cannot repair a permanently damaged root. Think about it please. Dont avoid this topic or brush it aside stubbornly."
I had already decided for myself I would no longer reply on this thread, and to try and avoid this issue as it feels like beating a dead horse to debate a man as stubborn as you. But here I find, I cannot contain it anymore. The urge to call you out on this absolute nonsense, this hypocracy. It's just too much...
You are writing to your father, telling him how he should feel "deep guilt and regret" over sending you to a different school where you were subsequently bullied. Fair enough, you were obviously bullied, you obviously were traumatized and had a terrible time; no one here is denying that. However, what I find appalling is that you would wish for your father to feel deep guilt and remorse over the way he raised you, the decisions he made for you, when you yourself aren't even in your sons life. At least your father was
there for you. When you were a little boy, did he tell you "your mother is racially inferior to me and does not sleep with me anymore, I must go abroad and sleep with many women", and left for months at a time? Did he do that? I seriously doubt he did. He just put you in a school you were unhappy in. A bad school, perhaps. Maybe he should have paid more attention. But when you had issues, he helped you. He sent you to a school camp in Taiwan where you had a great time over summer. And when you had psychological problems, he made sure you got professional help. He did all that for you, and I wonder how many of these things you would do for your own son.
What will you say to Angelo when he is a grown man, like you are yourself writing this. What will you say to him when he comes up to you one day (assuming he still wishes to see you at that point which is quite a stretch) and says: "Dad, why did you abandon me and my mother? Why did you have me, only to leave when I was young and needed you the most?" Reading this, you will probably say to him something along the lines of: "Your grandfather once put me in a different school. I was bullied. I was very traumatized, and that f***ed up your father's life. That is why I was never there for you." He will ask you, why you consider your own father's actions an excuse for your treatment of him. After all,
you are responsible for your own choices, and having Angelo was your choice. Raising him, consequently, was your responsibility. Angelo is a smart kid, he's top in his class isn't he? He will question your motives, and poke right through all your excuses. Realizing what you refuse to realize: that just saying "I am a permanently damaged root that cannot be repaired, and therefore I am excused of my own responsibilities as a father". No, Winston, it does not work like that.
You write about how you were traumatized, because your father put you in a terrible school where you were very unhappy. You were bullied, taunted, and overall miserable as a result. But a lot of kids are bullied in school. It's almost endemic, especially in the US where things have gotten so out of hand that you've seen many school shootings over the last decades. I know of people who had it worse then you. You say your suffering was "worse then that of kids who have been abused or raped", my God your shamelessness knows no bounds! Do you know my grandfather had a youth far, far worse then your could ever imagine? He was an orphan who never had a father and mother looking over him, loving him, like you did. He grew up in orphanages where he had to beat up his bullies with an iron bike chain just to make them stop abusing him. From the ages of 10 to 15 he was a slave laborer on farms in the countryside, working the field while his schoolmates went to play sports before and after school hours. And you know what he did, when he was an adult? He made it his goal, to ensure his own kids would have an amazing childhood. He married, had three kids and he was an amazing father to them. He took his own miserable experience growing up, and made it into a motivation to be the best man he could be, the best father, the best husband.
Do you think you are the only member of this forum, who was ever bullied as a kid? Do you think you were the only kid bullied in elementary school? And do you think all those who were bullied, are all damaged beyond repair and therefore doomed to be lousy parents? My God, Winston, how thick can you be! I was bullied when I was a kid, in elementary school. For two years I had a hard time, being from the poor side of town and attending a school in the richest part of town. Had a terrible time until after two school years of hell, I was able to beat up the ringleader of the bullies. Knocked him down and bashed his head on the ice of a frozen lake. That is when the bullying stopped. It did not destroy me, it made me stronger if anything. And I went on with my life, knowing elementary school would be over one day and I would be able to reinvent myself in high school. Which I did.
What I am saying, Winston, is that we all have our issues. We all have our traumatic experiences, often involving events from our early childhood. We have to overcome those issues, and even when we cannot overcome them, even if part of those memories will always haunt us for the remainder of our lives, we have to be strong. We cannot hide behind those issues. We cannot use them as an excuse, to pardon us from responsibility in our own lives. Your father made his mistakes. I do not deny that, as all fathers made their mistakes. I know mine did! And I know, I will make plenty of mistakes with my own kids. But at least he was
present in your life. Now you have to man up, and be there for your own son. This is a circle, a vicious cycle, a never ending chain you see. If your father made mistakes with you, and you repeat them tenfold, the pain you feel now will still be felt by the generations after you. Your son, and maybe even his son, will feel the pain you feel now. Because you could not overlook your own part in all this.
Someone who had a bad childhood, will usually have two basic reactions. The most common one is, that this person will say: "If I have a kid, I will be there for him and be the best parent I possibly can be". Another response would be to say: "I have to spare a child this existence in life, this hell I went through. I should not have a child, so the cycle will end with me". But you decided to have a kid anyway, and instead of making his happiness your priority like how I know your father prioritized yours, you just said f**k it, and left him to his mothers care as you went away to chase p***y and romance. You have the power to turn your own issues, your own traumas, into something positive. To learn vital lessons from the mistakes of your parents, and do everything in your power not to repeat them. Instead you just yell at your father, telling him to feel guilty, to regret his actions... while shrugging your shoulders at the things in your life, that
YOU ought to feel guilt and regret over.
