Do most people feel unloved and unwanted in America?

[Winston]

I was wondering something. Do most people feel unloved and unwanted in America? There seems to be something in the US that makes people feel that way. Why is that?

Yet most people deny it and pretend the opposite. They dare not admit to feeling that way for fear of being seen as a loser.

Likewise, most guys know the dating scene in the US sucks for them, but if they admit, it will look like there is something wrong with them, right?

On the other hand, people feel naturally loved and connected in many other countries, and they know that if they are a nice decent guy, they will find a nice decent girl for them. It's unquestioned.

[jamesbond]

In America you need to put up this false exterior that says "everything is alright." As a guy, you need to lie and say "oh yeah, I get laid a lot and date a lot of girls." If don't do that, you might be labeled a loser! I guess it's just part of the American culture!

[jamesbond]

Just look how influencial hollywood is in America! I mean come on, most Americans know more about what's going on in celebrities lives, than they do in their neighbors lives! That's ridiculous, you should at least talk to your neighbors once in a while. I read a stat recently that said only 7 % of Americans socialize with their neighbors! What's up with that! Are we that anti-social that we can't even occassionally talk to our neighbors? It's the same way in western Europe and Canada, people are generally unfriendly and anti-social. Not so in eastern Europe, Russia, South America, Mexico and SE Asia. For some reason the people in those countries and very friendly and socialable and enjoy meeting new people!

[momopi]

Just look how influencial hollywood is in America! I mean come on, most Americans know more about what's going on in celebrities lives, than they do in their neighbors lives! That's ridiculous, you should at least talk to your neighbors once in a while. I read a stat recently that said only 7 % of Americans socialize with their neighbors! What's up with that! Are we that anti-social that we can't even occassionally talk to our neighbors? It's the same way in western Europe and Canada, people are generally unfriendly and anti-social. Not so in eastern Europe, Russia, South America, Mexico and SE Asia. For some reason the people in those countries and very friendly and socialable and enjoy meeting new people!

It also depends on how freindly the people are and how well they'd receive you. The US is one of the largest countries on this planet with some 300 million people. What's true in one location or circumstance, isn't always so in another.

I visit San Gabriel River horse trails (by El Monte) in LA from time to time. There are many Hispanic folks, families, and horse riders on the trail. Most are friendly & polite, if you greet them they will respond in kind. A few will stop for a chat.

When I walk around the park in wealthy "white" areas, about half of the people there won't respond to your greetings well. That is, they either ignore you, or respond to your "hello" with a grunt and walk faster.

...but if you have a dog on a leash, and you bump into others out walking their dogs, 90% of the time, they will respond to you favorably. Some will stop for a chat. Great way to meet girls in the park (hint: go to parks near college/university housing). If you don't have a dog, BORROW a friendly one from your friend. Golden retrivers are usually very friendly. Just say that your buddy is out of town and you're house/dog-sitting for him.

It's hard sometimes to meet neighbors when all you see is their closed door or garage. Some communities have mixer events to assist. Here in Irvine, many apartment complex have social mixers for its residents. The one across the street from Irvine Spectrum is quite popular, with many young single working professionals living there. You don't actually HAVE to live there to attend their mixers, just make some friends who live there and get invited as a guest. Free movie & popcorn nights, hehehehe.

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Many people complain that it's hard to meet people & make friends. They say they put in a lot of effort and it just doesn't work. Well, if they're banging their head against a rock, no matter how hard they hit the rock, it's still not going to break. They need to find something softer to smack their head with. But some people are just too stubborn, or limit their choices to the big rock and nothing else.

[Grunt]

Why would anyone want to be loved by a bunch of dysfunctional social rejects?

[jamesbond]

Yes, at least in Latin America you can relate to your neighbors to quite some degree. In this country everyone is so fake it's hard to understand. People who know you don't say hi sometimes and then total strangers will say hi only if they see a look of misery on your face. They say something to get your attention in order to taunt you. Schadenfreude at its best. That's a fake culture my friends. This country is made up of social rejects. It's sad. Maybe it's California. California is the worst state to live in right now.

I heard someone say once about Los Angelels, that LA stands for "loneliness and alienation." California may indeed be the most unfriendly state to live in. Certainly LA, San Diego and San Francisco are not friendly places to live in. A guy who lives in San Diego told me once that it's almost impossible to get a girl friend there because the competition for the women is off the charts. There are many more men in Califorinia than there are women. On top of that, the women are VERY PICKY who they date and want only wealthy men! Even some of the fat girls and ugly girls only want to date rich, handsome men! I have a news flash for American women, only beauty queens get to date and marry rich, handsome men! Sorry you fat girls and unattractive girls, your not going to marry or date a movie star or celebrity! LOL

[ladislav]

I don't think that most people feel unwanted and unloved. Most people in America are native born and raised. They do not know any other culture and cannot relate to it except for occasional culinary experience. So, the world to them is America and America is the world. They know the rules and how ( American) people are, and early on in life they make friends, socialize, get into different cliques, clubs, learn to become assertive and establish networks, get to know people in a fake way perhaps but they do OK.

Also, American people are taught to be independent financially and emotionally and do not have such an interdependence as say, Filipinos, for the most part. They are used to being alone and are taught to enjoy it. They do not suffer from loneliness the way Sahara Bedouines do not suffer from heat. Desert is their home.

Male foreigners from Latin countries feel unwanted and unloved and so do most (male )E Euros but that is about it. That is why these two groups stick with their own kind when in the US and live a life from back home. Black people have plenty of girls and Indian communities just bring women from back home.

Filipinos are in the US to get jobs and support their enormous families. They socialize within their communities. Filipina girls can get tens of BF's in the US. Filipino guys are happy they can help their families back home and often go home. Those who do not do well, become Americans in the end and live American lives. Independent, strong, stoic, tough. They do not have many namby pamby needs. They marry some fat woman and feel happy. Their friends approve since they too do not know any better.

E. Asian and E. Euro girls for the most part have a ball in the US as the fight for them reminds me of something like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--HNPeyX4hU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAP7_o2e ... re=related

Red blooded all American guys always get the girl in the end. And if they don't, they don't know any better and they just keep on doing other things.

Most E Asians are too busy working and socializing within their own kind and many just do not have a need for romance, North and West Euros such as Brits and Germans find Americans warm and sociable and extremely friendly. I knew an Aussie who described Americans in LA as 'warm people'. He loved it in the US and felt accepted and found an American girl and all. He loves the US, and most Aussies do.

So, the answer to your question is: almost all people do not feel unloved in the US unless they had a different point of reference or something. And 90% did not so they feel OK. Out of those 10% who did, most people just adjust to the US and learn to love it. They find ways around things.

There are some people - maybe less than 1% who are like you, or me. Independent travelers, seekers, international cultural learners. BUt for this you need to have something unusual happen in your life or just an unusual beginning.

[NorthAmericanguy]

Just look how influencial hollywood is in America! I mean come on, most Americans know more about what's going on in celebrities lives, than they do in their neighbors lives! That's ridiculous, you should at least talk to your neighbors once in a while. I read a stat recently that said only 7 % of Americans socialize with their neighbors! What's up with that! Are we that anti-social that we can't even occassionally talk to our neighbors? It's the same way in western Europe and Canada, people are generally unfriendly and anti-social. Not so in eastern Europe, Russia, South America, Mexico and SE Asia. For some reason the people in those countries and very friendly and socialable and enjoy meeting new people!

Unbelievable, but I know it's true.

But if you ask me, people use to talk to their neighbors here in the states from around 1985 on back.

I say this because back in the early 80's I remember having intimate relationships (non sexual) with all my neighbors and their children as a child, and I remember preparing nice cold drinks for the mail man in the summer time as he came by to deliver the mail and people in general were more open and friendly.

We all looked out for each other, and we all knew each other, and for some reason even the holidays were better because we would have large gatherings at somebodies home, or a park, where we would drink homemade egg nog/lemonade and eat home made food. It was simple, clean, non commercialized, and for the most part, everybody was on the same financial level so nobody felt out of place so we got along great.

Fast forward to the 90's, and 2000's, it seems to me that everybody wanted to be on the fast track to financial success, and so, people in mass started to move around a lot and started forgoing family and old friends. People these days will uproot their whole family just to make an extra 10k a year.

Also, many companies that offered stable employment dried up so many communities like say areas in Detroit are now ghost towns and all these people moved into places where they don't know anybody.


Anyhow, I fully admit, that where I know live I don't talk to my neighbors ( I try) nor do keep in contact with my old friends. For me it just boils down to the fact that all the people I know are the same typical American. All they do is work and in their spare time they drink and watch sports. Sorry, but I rather be alone then spend time with that type of caliber of person.

[NorthAmericanguy]

Just look how influencial hollywood is in America! I mean come on, most Americans know more about what's going on in celebrities lives, than they do in their neighbors lives! That's ridiculous, you should at least talk to your neighbors once in a while. I read a stat recently that said only 7 % of Americans socialize with their neighbors! What's up with that! Are we that anti-social that we can't even occassionally talk to our neighbors? It's the same way in western Europe and Canada, people are generally unfriendly and anti-social. Not so in eastern Europe, Russia, South America, Mexico and SE Asia. For some reason the people in those countries and very friendly and socialable and enjoy meeting new people!

It also depends on how freindly the people are and how well they'd receive you. The US is one of the largest countries on this planet with some 300 million people. What's true in one location or circumstance, isn't always so in another.

I visit San Gabriel River horse trails (by El Monte) in LA from time to time. There are many Hispanic folks, families, and horse riders on the trail. Most are friendly & polite, if you greet them they will respond in kind. A few will stop for a chat.

When I walk around the park in wealthy "white" areas, about half of the people there won't respond to your greetings well. That is, they either ignore you, or respond to your "hello" with a grunt and walk faster.

...but if you have a dog on a leash, and you bump into others out walking their dogs, 90% of the time, they will respond to you favorably. Some will stop for a chat. Great way to meet girls in the park (hint: go to parks near college/university housing). If you don't have a dog, BORROW a friendly one from your friend. Golden retrivers are usually very friendly. Just say that your buddy is out of town and you're house/dog-sitting for him.

It's hard sometimes to meet neighbors when all you see is their closed door or garage. Some communities have mixer events to assist. Here in Irvine, many apartment complex have social mixers for its residents. The one across the street from Irvine Spectrum is quite popular, with many young single working professionals living there. You don't actually HAVE to live there to attend their mixers, just make some friends who live there and get invited as a guest. Free movie & popcorn nights, hehehehe.

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Many people complain that it's hard to meet people & make friends. They say they put in a lot of effort and it just doesn't work. Well, if they're banging their head against a rock, no matter how hard they hit the rock, it's still not going to break. They need to find something softer to smack their head with. But some people are just too stubborn, or limit their choices to the big rock and nothing else.

I know exactly what you are talking about. The Hispanic neighborhoods like El Monte people are very friendly. But the thing is, for the most part, these people are not American, they are Mexican and they have brought their culture with them here into the states. Their solidarity is universal no matter where they go.

[The_Adventurer]

I can't say I had this problem. Before I started reading this site and others, I was that typical American. Just a workaholic trying to get more and more. When I wasn't working, my time was filled with toys (DVDs, video games etc.) I could get girls, because I made a lot of money and drove a flashy car, but it was always superficial. I didn't notice this, though,because I was happy to get back to work. The funny thing is, though, I was doing all this work because I wanted to get out.

I didn't see something wrong with America, or at least couldn't put my finger on it, but I started dating Japanese exchange students in college, and then went to Japan right after that. Later I went to China and Japan, and had such great experiences that I knew I wanted to be there.

It was upon reading this site that I knew the reasons why I wanted to be there. I also realized I didn't want to live a life of constant work until I am old an then try to enjoy what little I have left.

[Jackal]

I can't say I had this problem. Before I started reading this site and others, I was that typical American. Just a workaholic trying to get more and more...

...I didn't see something wrong with America, or at least couldn't put my finger on it, but I started dating Japanese exchange students in college, and then went to Japan right after that. Later I went to China and Japan, and had such great experiences that I knew I wanted to be there.

Hallelujah! It's a convert!

Terrence, did you start dating Japanese exchange students before or after you started reading this site?

People who are converted by this site are quite rare, I think. Most people who come here fall into several categories: 1) those who already think like us and who find this place to be a mental refuge, 2) those who are so attached to mainstream feminist thinking that they just write a few rude comments and then leave, and 3) well-meaning, but not too bright jock types with a slight international flair who post things such as "Well, uh, have you guys, like, tried buying some spiffy new clothes and, like, uh, working out and stuff?"

[NorthAmericanguy]

^^ I got to admit. You guys are pretty smart around here. I think that has something to do with it also.

[globetrotter]

I was wondering something. Do most people feel unloved and unwanted in America? There seems to be something in the US that makes people feel that way. Why is that?

Yet most people deny it and pretend the opposite. They dare not admit to feeling that way for fear of being seen as a loser.

Likewise, most guys know the dating scene in the US sucks for them, but if they admit, it will look like there is something wrong with them, right?

On the other hand, people feel naturally loved and connected in many other countries, and they know that if they are a nice decent guy, they will find a nice decent girl for them. It's unquestioned.

No, it's just you. Hundred's of millions feel naturally loved in the USA - it's just you and a few others who don't. Just as just about 6 million expat from the USA.

In case you haven't figured it out yet, your personality is a far far out-lier within US society. Not normal to American norms, IOW.

Every nation has folks within it that do not fit in, people who were not born at the right time in the right country.

Fortunately we live in an era where this is remedied by a short plane flight.

That's why people move to the US or Canada, or Europe or wherever. They did not like it back home and went someplace new.

I meet Chinese who don't fit in. They want to move to the USA. They speak English, they idolize the USA even when I tell them the truth and they want to make lots and lots of money - the primary reason many want to move to the US. Materialistic Greed.

If you were to criticize Taiwan or the RP or PRC and you lived there, folks would respond with the same reaction like when you criticize the USA. No one likes having their nation dumped on by an outsider or citizen.

[djfourmoney]

Just look how influencial hollywood is in America! I mean come on, most Americans know more about what's going on in celebrities lives, than they do in their neighbors lives! That's ridiculous, you should at least talk to your neighbors once in a while. I read a stat recently that said only 7 % of Americans socialize with their neighbors! What's up with that! Are we that anti-social that we can't even occassionally talk to our neighbors? It's the same way in western Europe and Canada, people are generally unfriendly and anti-social. Not so in eastern Europe, Russia, South America, Mexico and SE Asia. For some reason the people in those countries and very friendly and socialable and enjoy meeting new people!

I don't know.... I've lived in LA all of m adult life, but spend a majority of my late childhood here.

Is it difficult to find a woman here? Yes and No. Look at what Mompi said, that's mostly true. You can hike the trails in the Hollywood Hills and around Griffith Park. You can meet other women hiking. There's the Farmer's Market in West LA, 3rd Street in Santa Monica, etc, etc, etc. Its not just bars and nightclubs, there's all sorts of ways.

But if you spend most of your time in front of a PC screen or in front of your LCD playing Call of Duty: Black Ops, then....

Is the competition high? Yes, but not impossible. Nightclubs make sure the ratio is even between women and men. But what happens is that Women tend to go in protective groups and they want Men to be brave and break into that circle. That circle is meant to discourage Beta males and encourage Alphas. Women who are alone are always the best targets but those are rare unless you go places where the median age is over 30.

If you're a decent looking guy and canvas a web site like OkCupid or Plenty of Fish you should be able to find enough women to fill you date book. Women 30-45 are by far the dominate demo among women on dating web sites. If you eliminate all the woman with children, that should still leave you with a healthy amount.

[The_Adventurer]

Hallelujah! It's a convert!

Terrence, did you start dating Japanese exchange students before or after you started reading this site?

People who are converted by this site are quite rare, I think. Most people who come here fall into several categories: 1) those who already think like us and who find this place to be a mental refuge, 2) those who are so attached to mainstream feminist thinking that they just write a few rude comments and then leave, and 3) well-meaning, but not too bright jock types with a slight international flair who post things such as "Well, uh, have you guys, like, tried buying some spiffy new clothes and, like, uh, working out and stuff?"

I started dating the Japanese exchange students long before I encountered this site. I also traveled to Japan and China a couple of times. So I fall into category 1. This site put into concrete words what I was feeling, but couldn't quite put my finger on.I also had a couple of filipina girlfriends in the US and knew they were a world apart from American women, but before this site, I knew absolutely nothing about the Philippines and, as result, probably missed an opportunity with one of the best, most gorgeous filipina girls I have ever met, because I was still stuck in AW mode and didn't see the signs that she really liked me.

After this site, I went to Philippines first. This was followed by Korea, Japan (again) and China. Now there's no going back. Just the other day I was leaving the Apple Store in Shanghai and met two American women in the taxi stand. They were the grossest things I have ever laid eyes on since leaving the US. One was huge and had a deep scruffy voice. The other full of piercings and both had bad acne. Then I got held up while they argued with their taxi driver and no other cars could move out of the lane.

I'm actually working quite hard now in China, but this time I am doing it with a purpose, much like Ladislav has written of in the past. I'm not rejoining the workaholic life.