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Re-visited GF in Philippines to get engaged....she got mad and wanted to break up....now crying to take her back..??

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DarthXedonias
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Re: Re-visited GF in Philippines to get engaged....she got mad and wanted to break up....now crying to take her back..??

Post by DarthXedonias » July 5th, 2018, 9:01 am

zboy1 wrote:
July 5th, 2018, 8:45 am
I'm Korean and I say, screw what your parents say. I was in a similar situation where my parents objected to my future goals and desires. They went nuts when I told them I was going to move out of the U.S.

Now, they're completely on my side. lol. I also met a wonderful Chinese girl, whom I'll introduce to my parents this year or next.
I fully agree with this. It might be scary, (I was intimidated into obeying my mom in childhood because she was the one that wore the pants in the house) but guess what after I did it there was some yelling back over email, etc but after just one day she just stopped trying to be controlling because she realized it would have been her lost. I would have been gone, the most responsible out of the children, and if I had children she would have never seen them. I would have not lost much of anything except for a toxic, controlling influence over my life. To give you an idea this woman, who says she is spiritual mind you, literally told me to be careful because all the women in the Philippines are whores and hookers. She would probably say the same about women in other countries as well because its not like women in the US don't act like whores and hookers a lot of the time :roll: . Either way, once you show that they don't have any more control over you they tend to just give up and just comply really. They realize they have much more to lose than gain.




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Re: Re-visited GF in Philippines to get engaged....she got mad and wanted to break up....now crying to take her back..??

Post by Zambales » July 5th, 2018, 9:06 am

Horahngee wrote:
July 5th, 2018, 12:42 am

Grace's family seems to be from a middle class family. They are not that poor. Grace's family had their house rebuilt in 2011. I know she's not BS-ing because I have stayed over at her family home. It is a 4-bedroom house, the interior is very nice with tile flooring, painted walls, and the bathrooms are waaaayyy BETTER looking than the shabby run down houses in her neighborhood. the only downside is they get their water from the well pump, and there is no water heater in the house. I am not kidding, I had to shower in cold water (but was refreshing with the super humid weather there!)

Her dad is a retired police officer.

Her mom is still working as an elementary school headmaster (AKA a principal), but hopes to retire in three years.

Grace graduated from nusing school in the Philippines. She did post-grad non-paid work at hospitals after graduating from nursing school. She eventually signed up with an agency and worked for around four years as a nurse in Saudi Arabia.

Right now, she's unemployed because she is back home in the Philippines, and she stated to me that it's hard to find a job in the Philippines unless you have connections to a politician. Is this true?

So basically, Grace is just staying home for the last two years,...... doing the laundry for the family, ironing clothes, sweeping the floor, wiping the cupboard, killing the chicken (yes, saw her do it during most-recent visit), to make Chicken Tinola soup.
Father and Grace retired and mother soon to be retired. Family's solution for future income = western man.

The quickfire marriage they seek makes this theory even more clear-cut.

You should say this to Grace although you'll probably never hear from her again which isn't a bad thing really.

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Re: Re-visited GF in Philippines to get engaged....she got mad and wanted to break up....now crying to take her back..??

Post by Zambales » July 5th, 2018, 9:30 am

Horahngee wrote:
July 5th, 2018, 1:03 am
Zambales wrote:
July 2nd, 2018, 2:30 pm
I don't think either of you are mature enough to be in a serious relationship. She's allowing her older sister to dictate to her while you keep bringing your mother into it. For a relationship to be strong the pair of you need to be strong and that entails telling outsiders to back off and mind their own business.
Hmmm....why not?
You're both letting your families dictate the relationship. Anyway, forget Grace. Move on and take control from now on and respect yourself more. Don't let your mother call the shots. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't make her some kind of God who is always right. I do think you're a better person than her anyhow so why should you follow her lead?

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Re: Re-visited GF in Philippines to get engaged....she got mad and wanted to break up....now crying to take her back..??

Post by Winston » July 6th, 2018, 12:00 pm

OP,
Did you talk to Grace? Everyone deserves a second chance. But does she deserve it? What are the positive things about her? Has she promised to change her faults?

If she wants a second chance, she should make a case as to why she deserves it and what she learned from her mistakes and how she will do it differently next time. Maybe Filipinos aren't that rational and organized to do that, but if someone makes a good case, admitting her faults and mistakes, and apologizing for them, and explains how she will do things differently next time, then that's a valid case to give someone a second chance. Right?

You gotta weigh her pros and cons. What are her pros? I know the guys here are kind of cynical and critical, so they will only focus on the cons. But you gotta weigh her pros as well.
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Re: Re-visited GF in Philippines to get engaged....she got mad and wanted to break up....now crying to take her back..??

Post by Horahngee » July 7th, 2018, 8:10 am

Zambales wrote:
July 5th, 2018, 9:30 am


You're both letting your families dictate the relationship. Anyway, forget Grace. Move on and take control from now on and respect yourself more. Don't let your mother call the shots. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't make her some kind of God who is always right. I do think you're a better person than her anyhow so why should you follow her lead?
Zambales....Yeah, I see the whole mess with Grace's sister hating me, and probably still hates me. Same with me about the sister. I do not have the desire to go back to re-visit the Philippines,....at least for now, because I don't want to see Jonnalyn, the older sister.

However, I still keep in touch with Grace. We still send each other messages, such as "Good morning"..."lunch time...let's eat"....despite my mom telling me to stop contacting Grace. Anyhow, my mom left, flew back to Hawaii last weekend, so I am now by myself and still find it comforting that Grace and I still text each other via Messenger.

Now the part about disobeying and going against my mom's will. You must be a white western guy. So of course, your mentality and your connection with your parents may be different from how I was raised.

I will not lie. My mom was the family figure, and she really helped me out with some tough times, and even with financial assistance while I had attended college, and also for other education expenses when I switched my career over to nursing.

Oh my. :( I don't know how things will turn out. yes, I understand that I am old enough to make my decision. However, had this shit not had happened, we would have had our wedding event in October. My mom, yes, her, and my dad would have attended the wedding.

My parents were also going to help me pay for half of the wedding cost (split it up with Grace).

But now, my mom is saying no to Grace, so I will either have to wait a while before I can save up some money for a small wedding event (ceremony, after-ceremony reception party, tuxedo, honeymoon trip, etc...). Or the other option, which is shittier, and which I did not have in mind, is to have a court judgepreside over our marriage. BOOORRRIINNGGG.

What keeps me now under the umbrella of mom is that I am still starting off my career, and just recently moved into a new condo. I now have mortgages to pay.

Shit! This condo was supposed to be for both me and Grace in the future.

i am telling Grace now to study for her nursing board exam and to take it at the end of this year. The new facility that I will be working at was also supposed to be a training center for Grace if she were to come here to the US to work.


You stated to break it up with Grace. Easy said than done. I have been in touch with her for a little over a year. So you can say "well, you did not know Grace for that long." However, she has same career profession as me, and I have a lot of plans that I envision myself to do with Grace.

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Re: Re-visited GF in Philippines to get engaged....she got mad and wanted to break up....now crying to take her back..??

Post by Horahngee » July 7th, 2018, 8:21 am

DarthXedonias wrote:
July 5th, 2018, 9:01 am


I fully agree with this. It might be scary, (I was intimidated into obeying my mom in childhood because she was the one that wore the pants in the house) but guess what after I did it there was some yelling back over email, etc but after just one day she just stopped trying to be controlling because she realized it would have been her lost. I would have been gone, the most responsible out of the children, and if I had children she would have never seen them. I would have not lost much of anything except for a toxic, controlling influence over my life. To give you an idea this woman, who says she is spiritual mind you, literally told me to be careful because all the women in the Philippines are whores and hookers. She would probably say the same about women in other countries as well because its not like women in the US don't act like whores and hookers a lot of the time :roll: . Either way, once you show that they don't have any more control over you they tend to just give up and just comply really. They realize they have much more to lose than gain.
Hey Darthxedonias. Okay, so you also say that it's not too hard to break ties with your parents. But you are also from a western, non-East Asian family. I believe, from your other postings in another section of HA, you have stated that you're mixed Black/Afro-American and Native American. So okay, I see the mother (sorry to sound stereotypical of black families) as being the figure of the family, since daddy may be out of the picture.

But my mom has financially helped me at dire times in my life. Such as when I was laid off from my job in 2008 because the economy was bad. She used her financial resources to help pay off some of my student loan debt, and also help finance my move back to home after I was laid off in the Chicago area.

So I will not just simply say to mom "okay, f-ck you, and I am going to marry Grace."

What if my mom is correct in that she sees us not being compatible?

What Public Duende stated in his previous posts.....SOOO MUCH resembles the same points that my mom has brought up to me.

There is also the unknown of what if Grace is actually just marrying me to get US residency and some US-based nurse work experience? So if Grace separates from me, let's say in that situation,.....then who is there to help me? Mom, being now separated from me, will not even help me in this situation.

Anyhow, I am still thinking and thinking. I am also still in contact with Grace via text messaging. I might call her up tomorrow.

The only thing I don't like right now is the older sister, Jonnalyn. Whenever I have the flashbacks of her yelling/screaming at me in the hotel room,...and I also pissed her off because I told her "ah, I now know why your ex-husband left you"....I do not feel like going back to the Philippines, or moreso, going back to even stay at Grace's house. Even though the older sister does not live with the family, because she lives in another house 6-8 miles away.


Getting back to the topic of straying away from my mom,....let's say that I marry Grace in the near future against my mom's objection, and my mom DOES end up dis-owning me.
I have to be more financially independent and save up a lot of money. That is what I am doing right now.

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Re: Re-visited GF in Philippines to get engaged....she got mad and wanted to break up....now crying to take her back..??

Post by Horahngee » July 7th, 2018, 8:49 am

Winston wrote:
July 6th, 2018, 12:00 pm
OP,
Did you talk to Grace? Everyone deserves a second chance.
Hey Winston! Yes, I still do keep in touch with Grace. I message her, and she sends me messages too. I don't have to worry about tyrant mom snooping around, since she flew back to home last weekend.

Yes, everybody deserves a second chance. Heck, Grace event told me she forgave me when she found out that I was communicating with "J" the other filipina, and also after the over-the-phone break up in mid-March.
But does she deserve it? What are the positive things about her? Has she promised to change her faults?
yes, Grace has told me that she will be more caring and loving towards me when I visit her. She also wanted to talk to my mom on the phone and apologize for her "tampo" and being rude to me. However, my mom is already pissed, and Grace basically ruined the whole thing. Everything was smooth flowing and my mom was good with Grace and everything. Until the most-recent visit where we argued over money, because to me, I felt that I was being used by Grace and her older sister.

Actually, had the older sister not come along with us to Manila, I would not have mind spending my money on everything for Grace. But since I had ill-feelings towards the older sister for being cold, and not talking to me....I did not want to pay money for the older sister, not a single penny. That is what upset me, and made me talk about that with Grace, where I told Grace that I felt like I was being used. Then that made her upset and go into "tampo" mode where she sat there and sobbed, and just starred at the wall without even answering my questions or responding to me at all!

If she wants a second chance, she should make a case as to why she deserves it
Her case? LOL. She told me that she forgave me when she found out that I was in touch with "J" the other filipina who was introduced to me at my former workplace. And also forgave me after the March break up.

So to her, those are the reasons why I should forgive Grace for not responding to me when we had that argument in the hotel room.


However, what does not sit right with me is, how is the older sister thinking of me right now? Yes, Grace can be sorry for what she's done. But is her older sister also sorry for yelling at me?

I am itching to tell Grace to have her older sister send me an apology text messages. But I know that is going to make the older sister more angry as hell, and will not resolve the situation.
and what she learned from her mistakes and how she will do it differently next time. Maybe Filipinos aren't that rational and organized to do that, but if someone makes a good case, admitting her faults and mistakes, and apologizing for them, and explains how she will do things differently next time, then that's a valid case to give someone a second chance. Right?
LOL, wow, your comments of Filipino's not being rational with organized thinking is kind of too far off the edge, eh? :shock:
Nah, but I can see where you're coming from, Winston.

I have worked with a lot of Filipino's in the medical/hospital industry, and yeah, some of them can be irrational.

You gotta weigh her pros and cons. What are her pros? I know the guys here are kind of cynical and critical, so they will only focus on the cons. But you gotta weigh her pros as well.
Pro's for me.

1) Less loneliness living here. It has (and still is) been difficult to find a girlfriend here in the US. Yes, I re-iterate this many times in a lot of my posts. I have used Coffee Meets Bagel dating app, E-harmoney, Match.com, and while I did have face-to-face dates, I could not find a girlfriend who wanted to be in a real relationship with me.

So right now, I have a condo that I have purchased (with my mom's assistance! Hehehe), and this place was supposed to be for me and Grace to live in, and maybe, have one child together, and then we eventually move out into a house. Now, I feel more lonely and isolated (however, I also feel so comfortable with this large condo....I feel like a f***ing king some times!!)


2) Tax. For those of you who don't know, uncle Sam, and your local government deduct MORE taxes from your pay-check if you are a single person.
My friend who works as an MD anesthesiologist making a shitload of money, told me that there were drastic increases in his net income, after he (He's Chinese-American from Hawaii) got married to his Taiwanese wife.

3) Kind of ties in with loneliness, but I need somebody else to do weekend hobbies or activities with. No, not sex. hahaha!
I am talking about road trips, eating out at the restaurant, going hiking on a mountain trail, going to a local state fair, going to the movie theater....etc. I don't know about you guys, but I hate going to a restaurant, eating there alone. You just get the stares from other people eating at the place, and in many of my situations, the service from the waitress tends to be shitty if you're eating alone. Speaking of state fairs, I know that certain rides are off-limits to single people, or people wanting to ride by himself. One of them is the Ferris wheel ride. You need at least two people to be seated in the Ferris wheel container. Sucks.


4) cooks well. While I was visiting her three weeks ago, I saw Grace prepare the meal for the entire family. I even helped her slaughter two chickens to make a chicken soup.
I am not trying to make Grace a slave by having her cook my meals. However, when I come from my a crazy night shift at the hospital, I want to come home, shower and have a nice breakfast. I dont' mind eating her food.
The only "objection" is my mom, who tends to hate Filipino food. She says Filipino food is very greasy, salty and looks weird. My mom is worried that Grace will be making "Kryptonite" Filipino food that worries her that my cholesterol level will sky-rocket and may result in a myocardial infarction. :shock: :lol: :lol:

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Horahngee
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Re: Re-visited GF in Philippines to get engaged....she got mad and wanted to break up....now crying to take her back..??

Post by Horahngee » July 7th, 2018, 9:03 am

zboy1 wrote:
July 5th, 2018, 8:45 am
I'm Korean and I say, screw what your parents say. I was in a similar situation where my parents objected to my future goals and desires. They went nuts when I told them I was going to move out of the U.S.

Now, they're completely on my side. lol. I also met a wonderful Chinese girl, whom I'll introduce to my parents this year or next.
Hey Zboy! I heard that you're happily married to a Chinese woman, and now living in China. Is that true!? Lucky you.
And are you a Korean-American who was originally born in Korea, or were you born in the US?

Nah, it's just my old-school Korean mom who is being a real bitch. You just have to imagine those old-school, loud-mouth, mean, cold Korean ladies from the 1940's 1950's and bam,....you may have a clear image of my Uhmma. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

My dad is Japanese-American, and he' a very chill person. He is not objecting to me going back to Grace and re-visit her. It's my mom who is making a big deal, and also making threats to disown me. That is what worries me, because I have grown up with her supporting me, and me also helping her out in sitautions.
To completely cut ties with my mom because I want to marry Grace is something I am slowly going to have to heavily contemplate on and think about. It is easier said than done. I have a job here that pays decently. I will also be starting a new job this coming week. So if I do cut-off ties with my mom, I have to think and plan how much money I need to make in order to be 100% non-reliant on my mom's money.


Hehehehe! You have mentioned the exact same thing that my friend told me. That my mom will eventually have to accept Grace. The big factor that "might" make my mom like Grace in the future, is if we have kids together. My mom objected to my sister marrying an Indian guy (he was actually born and raised in Fiji and Los Angeles....your typical white-washed Indian guy). However, my sister did a court judge wedding with him, and right now has two sons (my nephews). My mom goes "goo goo gah gah" over the younger of the two boys.


---------------
P.S. what kind of job did you do while you were living in China?

I would LOVE to travel abroad. But my work schedule, at least for now, will not allow travel.

I also don't want to get paid LESS money doing the same kind of work overseas that I do here in the US.

I already gave up on Korean girls.

I have been to Korean churches, been introduced to other Korean girls by my mom's friends, or my mom's doctor's office employees, etc.
Never worked out for me.
Hence, the reason that if Grace does not work out for me, I am going to temporarily leave the US next year to live abroad.

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Re: Re-visited GF in Philippines to get engaged....she got mad and wanted to break up....now crying to take her back..??

Post by DarthXedonias » July 7th, 2018, 2:18 pm

Horahngee - I think you might have miss understood something quite frankly. I was not advocating you to tell your mother off especially now. My frank opinion is you should go looking for someone else because having all this stuff happen at the beginning of a relationship is not a good sign at all. I'm going to ask you a serious question and I want you to really contemplate it. You guys have broken up how many time? 3 times? Tell me do you think its a good sign in a relationship to already broken up like 3 times before you guys even got to the alter? Think about that one very long and hard. Going back to the mother situation as you might have remembered I told you now is "not" the time to start arguing with your mom after this especially after this most recent fiasco. I'm just saying for future reference you might want to keep your personal relationships to yourself and only when things get really serious then talk to your parents about it. Until that moment keep it to yourself. It seems to me another reason why this turned out this way is as someone else said into a cluster f**k is there are too many people involved in this relationship. It should just be you and the other person then once you guys are comfortable enough then involve other people. Its pretty standard in many countries around the world to only involve family members once you are serious with the person.

Now with that said, You obviously know where I stand on this and ultimately its your choice. Though at this time I would risk alienating your mother at this point for another woman especially after she acted like that the last time you visited her. Either way your choice. I will just add as well for those Pros you gave Winston for her go back and read those. Those are general stuff that lots of the billions of women on this planet could fulfill for you. It doesn't have to be this specific one. I do only a few things to ask lastly and these are sincere. Are you afraid of losing grace? If so why? Are you also afraid of starting back at ground zero and looking for another woman? If so why? Those are just some questions I have for now.

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Re: Re-visited GF in Philippines to get engaged....she got mad and wanted to break up....now crying to take her back..??

Post by Jonny Law » July 7th, 2018, 7:55 pm

:twisted: DON'T PUT UP WITH HER BULLSHIT! IN THE PHILIPPINES YOU ARE IN DEMAND!

She was probably annoyed because your stories are too long. Maybe you should write novels Horahngee.

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Re: Re-visited GF in Philippines to get engaged....she got mad and wanted to break up....now crying to take her back..??

Post by Zambales » July 8th, 2018, 9:23 am

Horahngee wrote:
July 7th, 2018, 8:10 am
Zambales wrote:
July 5th, 2018, 9:30 am


You're both letting your families dictate the relationship. Anyway, forget Grace. Move on and take control from now on and respect yourself more. Don't let your mother call the shots. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't make her some kind of God who is always right. I do think you're a better person than her anyhow so why should you follow her lead?
Zambales....Yeah, I see the whole mess with Grace's sister hating me, and probably still hates me. Same with me about the sister. I do not have the desire to go back to re-visit the Philippines,....at least for now, because I don't want to see Jonnalyn, the older sister.
When I went over to see my Filipina I didn't spend much time around the family. I used to go for three weeks usually and only a few days was spent in the city where they live. There's no rule to say you have to be around the family 24/7.

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Re: Re-visited GF in Philippines to get engaged....she got mad and wanted to break up....now crying to take her back..??

Post by Zambales » July 8th, 2018, 10:11 am

Horahngee wrote:
July 7th, 2018, 8:10 am
Zambales wrote:
July 5th, 2018, 9:30 am


You're both letting your families dictate the relationship. Anyway, forget Grace. Move on and take control from now on and respect yourself more. Don't let your mother call the shots. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't make her some kind of God who is always right. I do think you're a better person than her anyhow so why should you follow her lead?

Now the part about disobeying and going against my mom's will. You must be a white western guy. So of course, your mentality and your connection with your parents may be different from how I was raised.

I will not lie. My mom was the family figure, and she really helped me out with some tough times, and even with financial assistance while I had attended college, and also for other education expenses when I switched my career over to nursing.

I do understand to an extent because I know lots of Asian guys who have been pushed into arranged marriages which is actually a worse scenario than yours IMO.

I think you need to act smarter where your mother's concerned. Appease her to a point perhaps but don't let her pull your strings completely. It sounds that every interaction with Grace you have has to be reported to her. That's not right and by not doing that doesn't constitute as disrespect.

Learn to play her for the benefit of your own interests.

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Re: Re-visited GF in Philippines to get engaged....she got mad and wanted to break up....now crying to take her back..??

Post by zboy1 » July 8th, 2018, 10:58 am

I'm Korean American who grew up in the States, not Korea. My Korean is shit, lol.

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Re: Re-visited GF in Philippines to get engaged....she got mad and wanted to break up....now crying to take her back..??

Post by Horahngee » July 8th, 2018, 9:49 pm

Jonny Law wrote:
July 7th, 2018, 7:55 pm
:twisted: DON'T PUT UP WITH HER BULLSHIT! IN THE PHILIPPINES YOU ARE IN DEMAND!
Okay, good to know that I, being a western guy, is big in demand in the Philippines. :lol:
She was probably annoyed because your stories are too long.
Uh, okay. :roll:
If you were mocking my original post, I just wanted to be as detailed as possible to tell you guys what happened and what to do, since Grace is asking me for forgiveness, she is sorry. But I am stuck between two boulders as Grace's sister yelled and screamed at me, I mocked the older sister that since she yelled at me, I could see why her ex-husband dumped her (which pissed her off even more, but she's the one who started the shouting match), and my mom dislikes Grace, told me to forget about her. Easy said than done, for my mom.

Maybe you should write novels Horahngee.
Maybe I should! :lol:

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Re: Re-visited GF in Philippines to get engaged....she got mad and wanted to break up....now crying to take her back..??

Post by Horahngee » July 8th, 2018, 9:54 pm

zboy1 wrote:
July 8th, 2018, 10:58 am
I'm Korean American who grew up in the States, not Korea. My Korean is shit, lol.
yes, I have read your other posts, and knew that you were a Korean-American who grew up in the US.

However, you did not answer my question in my previous post to you. I have asked you what kind of job/occupation did you work for while you were living in China?

I believe you were teaching English in S. Korea, and then you had decided to move to China? Which part of China did you live in (or are you living in right now)?

What was your dating experience with Korean-American girls? Did they flake out on you? because in my experience, the Korean girls flaked out on me,....this was both Korean-Americans, 1.5-generation Korean girls and FOB/foreign Korean girls living in the US (mainly the L.A. area).

I am giving Korean-American girls one more shot. My Korean female church friend (she's way older than me, and previously divorced,...so no, I will not form a relationship with her) recommended to me to start service with a Korean Christian match-making service here in my area. The dating service fee/cost is a lot, but covers services until I find a potential marriage partner.

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