Hello! Seeking insight from all comers...

[Tron]

Greetings all!

Although I am a returning member to this board, months have passed since I was last active, and then I was active in only my introductory thread. I had introduced myself as an American man disenchanted with the American dating scene, who was seriously considering foreign dating as an alternative. Over the next several months, much has happened, including my forgetting my original account information.

To try to make a long story short, I eventually created a profile at Date in Asia with the intention of meeting foreign women for conversation and potential pen pals, to help myself learn about their culture and ease myself into this process. Instead I was bombarded with messages and soon found myself pursuing possible romances. It took only two weeks for me to have met and settled upon a young lady I would like to have a long term relationship with. For we connected on so many levels that to this day we consider ourselves privileged among couples. I asked her to join me in a relationship, which she agreed to, and we’ve been mated ever since. I consider myself so fortunate, having dodged possible scams, and having instead found so soon a life partner, a lady dedicated to coming to America to be my wife.

Two months after having formed our relationship, I traveled to the Philippines to meet her, to make official our relationship, to meet her family, and to formally propose. When I posted my original introduction, I described my trepidation at international travel. But I had prepared as best I could, and researched both the travel and my destination city of Cebu. And all I can say for my experience is it was like a dream, an amazing first trip outside the States. I ended up making a great impression on the mother especially, who wanted to ensure I knew the process of bringing my new fiancé to America. I would like to say my fiancé and I toured her world, but though we did make one special trip to a wonderfully scenic area West of Cebu, mostly the whole of my time there we instead explored each other. Interpret that as you will.

So now, several months later, I had already prepared myself our petitions for her visa which were filed shortly after my return from Cebu, and we are now deep into our process. I expect the Service Center attending to my petition to have granted it relatively soon, based on the statistics. Our goal is to have my fiancé here with me in early March.

But I am throwing myself at the mercy of the board once again for a question I ask myself often. For those of you who have gone through this process of bringing a foreign fiancé to America, and anyone else, What is your advice on assimilating your fiancé to America? As she and I have already discussed, she does desire to assimilate, and eventually apply for American citizenship. Through social networks and email, I’ve made my friends and family available to her, and we collectively sent her a Christmas package. I also exploit the resources around me to learn how to be good for her in this way. And we have plans to introduce her to the local Filipino community through the Catholic church, and Filipina friends of friends who wish to meet her.

But I’m not one to leave any resource untapped, so I ask the board this same question, about how to ease my new wife into this new life? I’d enjoy hearing others’ experiences and lessons learned, for anyone who wants to share.

Thanks in advance!

[Asia Outback]

Tron-

Homesickness will be a big problem, and keep in mind that it is even still a gamble. People change when they move to another culture.
Some do ok..some do not. That was one reason I chose to keep my life (and wife) in the Philippines. We are in Misamis Oriental, Mindanao.
It sounds like you found a good filipina, but be prepared. A lot of things change when Filipinas come to the USA. Some handle it quite well, others go downhill.

good luck to you!

Jake

[Winston]

Wow what a coincidence. Right when you posted your intro under user name "Tron", I just posted a review of the new movie "Tron Legacy" in the Film section of this forum. Amazing synchronicity.

[wuxi]

First, I should say congradulations on your new found success, I hope you two live happily ever after.

Finding some new filipina friends for your future bride would be a good idea. Fortunately, filipinos are very well networked, where you find one you find them all, usually at church.

Also, a trip to the local asian food store might help her too. Although, western food doesn't seem to be a difficult transition for most filipino immigrants.

I'm guessing the biggest problem you'll encounter is the immigration process and the costs involved in getting her back to the US. Saving e-mails is a good idea should you need to prove to immigration your relationship is legitimate. There is an effort among some feminist politicians to actively suppress US men from going over seas to find wives. I hope this won't be an issue for you.

I would like to say my fiancé and I toured her world, but though we did make one special trip to a wonderfully scenic area West of Cebu, mostly the whole of my time there we instead explored each other. Interpret that as you will.

Hehe, the libido of filipinas is shocking! My filipina is like a kid in a candy store.

[Tron]

Tron-

Homesickness will be a big problem, and keep in mind that it is even still a gamble. People change when they move to another culture.
Some do ok..some do not. That was one reason I chose to keep my life (and wife) in the Philippines. We are in Misamis Oriental, Mindanao.
It sounds like you found a good filipina, but be prepared. A lot of things change when Filipinas come to the USA. Some handle it quite well, others go downhill.

good luck to you!

Jake

Thank you!

I know homesickness will be a major influence on her, and we're arranging so that she can maintain even daily communication with her friends and family back home if she chooses. When the money is available, we will also be vacationing again in Cebu, not only for her to see friends and family, but also for me to tour the city more than I had. Something we both desire.

But she is very strong and has great will, something I've learned from her history. She also has an unfortunately painful history with her biological family, with no contact with her biological mother in 3 years, and now a virtually nonexistent relationship with her father. It's her "adoptive" family which has become her actual family, the family I met in Cebu. And she's prepared to cut all ties now with her biological family. It is such a sad state of affairs, but presumably it will make the transition to America easier for her. I've assured her my family in the States is now as much her family as mine, and she's had their support.

So I know it will be only until she's living here that we're both able to gauge how she's coping, but I have hope. She believes a better life awaits her here.

Best of luck to you as well!

[Tron]

Wow what a coincidence. Right when you posted your intro under user name "Tron", I just posted a review of the new movie "Tron Legacy" in the Film section of this forum. Amazing synchronicity.

Yes, amazing synchronicity! I read your review briefly, and was happy to see you enjoyed the movie too. The visuals were amazing, not merely the special effects, but the style which I thought was worth the price of admission. I think I have to dig a little deeply, but there's good substance in there. I wouldn't pay too much attention to the mixed reviews.

[Tron]

First, I should say congradulations on your new found success, I hope you two live happily ever after.

Finding some new filipina friends for your future bride would be a good idea. Fortunately, filipinos are very well networked, where you find one you find them all, usually at church.

Also, a trip to the local asian food store might help her too. Although, western food doesn't seem to be a difficult transition for most filipino immigrants.

I'm guessing the biggest problem you'll encounter is the immigration process and the costs involved in getting her back to the US. Saving e-mails is a good idea should you need to prove to immigration your relationship is legitimate. There is an effort among some feminist politicians to actively suppress US men from going over seas to find wives. I hope this won't be an issue for you.

I would like to say my fiancé and I toured her world, but though we did make one special trip to a wonderfully scenic area West of Cebu, mostly the whole of my time there we instead explored each other. Interpret that as you will.

Hehe, the libido of filipinas is shocking! My filipina is like a kid in a candy store.

Gosh, yes. My fiance was "naive" when I met her, and our original intention was to preserve this for her until marriage. (In fact, it was my acceptance of her desire to wait until marriage which I believe first solidified our relationship.) But once I arrived in Cebu, this original intention seemed to be just tossed out. I made her wait to see that she was certain, but then things happened. I don't know who was surprised more by her libido, her or me.

I think maybe I've bugged her too much already about the accessibility of Asian cuisine, and she insists she'll be happy with American food. As long as there's rice haha. She tells me her breakfast of choice is bacon and eggs!

And hopefully all the papers required to fulfill her visa petition are now completed. I made sure to compile evidence of continued relationship for both our petitions, including letters and emails, photographs, and receipts for remittances. (I've sent her money for her passport and a prescription.) I feel so relieved now that I have the money on hand to complete our process.

[Asia Outback]

Tron-

It sounds like she was lucky to have found you. Mostly I know filipinas who are some really good girls and I rarely know any decent men to to whom I should introduce them. As long as her heart is in the right place, you can overcome almost anything.

Good luck,

Jake

PS...Its good you saw the other parts of Cebu. Most just see Cebu city. There is a condo I use sometimes on Mactan, but the best of Cebu is away from the city.

[Winston]

Wow what a coincidence. Right when you posted your intro under user name "Tron", I just posted a review of the new movie "Tron Legacy" in the Film section of this forum. Amazing synchronicity.

Yes, amazing synchronicity! I read your review briefly, and was happy to see you enjoyed the movie too. The visuals were amazing, not merely the special effects, but the style which I thought was worth the price of admission. I think I have to dig a little deeply, but there's good substance in there. I wouldn't pay too much attention to the mixed reviews.

Yeah I was blown away by it. The music was cool too, and reminded me of the Dark Knight theme. There were some jargon I didn't understand, such as "Iso" but I'm sure I can ask about it on IMDB. And the girl in it, Cora, was really hot and mesmerizing too. Weren't you taken aback by her?

Usually when synchronicities happen, it means something, such as an indication that you are on the right path or that you should pay attention to something. Maybe the synchronicity is telling us that Tron is like "The Matrix" movie and representative of our reality? Or could it mean that your relationship is the model for us to emulate?

Going back to the subject though, is this the first Filipina that you've dated?

Have you met her family? Have they tried to get you to support them?

It may be a good thing that you've removed her from her family, else they might get her to ask you for support.

[Mark Edward Davis]

Tron:

I'm glad you were able to find the desire of your heart. You've done a lot of the heavy lifting to make this new life a reality for both of you. Obviously, you're a good man with a generous heart. What I always tell guys is that you are looking for someone who will match your efforts. A sincere foreign wife will exceed that and can provide a lifetime of satisfaction for both of you. Well done. I know it's not an easy journey, but the rewards can make it all worth while.

My advice on helping her adjust is that you need to provide her with a cushion - or a bubble of space. Back off on the pressure to force her to get adjusted on your timetable. Set up times for her to meet supportive friends, but you might want to wait 5 days or so before you do. If you can get her family on Skype it can help her feel connected to them. It will also help her to process what she is experiencing if she can describe it to family - blow by blow - as it happens.

Every woman is different when it comes to various elements of adjusting. Some appreciate making a connection with others from their homeland, and others would rather dedicate themselves to blending in with your life - language, foods, and all.

I wrote a book on international dating and dedicated the last three chapters to the visa process and making adjustments for your happily ever after story. If you'll get on my list I'll send you a free copy: http://www.internationaldatingformen.com/signup.htm

We're all very excited for you. Keep in touch with updates.

Best,

Mark

[Tron]

Tron-

It sounds like she was lucky to have found you. Mostly I know filipinas who are some really good girls and I rarely know any decent men to to whom I should introduce them. As long as her heart is in the right place, you can overcome almost anything.

Good luck,

Jake

PS...Its good you saw the other parts of Cebu. Most just see Cebu city. There is a condo I use sometimes on Mactan, but the best of Cebu is away from the city.

Thank you so much!

We had a tentative schedule for what to see and do while I was in Cebu, a schedule which we tossed out in favor of ourselves. But I intend to return with her, for a longer period of time, and to explore more of the city and surrounding areas. It was still a fantastic vacation I had, and if I had to describe the city in one word, that word would be dissonance. With wealth next to poverty. Natural beauty next to an overcowded and sometimes dilapidated urban sprawl. And first-rate western restaurants next to traditional street foods.

And thank you also, as it is important that I be great for my fiance. With the feelings she has for me, and the role I have in her life, that she is willing to uproot herself for me, I realize I have a special responsibility to her happiness. (Although when I told her about this, she said "No, no, that's not what I want." She didn't want me to have to feel that way.)

[Tron]

Going back to the subject though, is this the first Filipina that you've dated?

Have you met her family? Have they tried to get you to support them?

It may be a good thing that you've removed her from her family, else they might get her to ask you for support.

Yes, I do hope very much that I'm doing the right thing by removing her from her biological family. There is a history of abuse and abandonment there, so if she's truly ready to formally and finally depart from that, then perhaps we showed up to our lives at exactly the right time.

I would say my fiance is the first Filipina I've dated. Although I had extensive chatting and email exchanges with several others when I was active at Date in Asia, I wouldn't say I dated these girls. I would say they were mere correspondences.

I haven't met her biological family. From what I've learned through her about them, it is very likely they would try to exploit me for my money. She was advised by her biological brother (with whom she's still very close) not to divulge her relationship with me. So she's insulated me from them, keeping our relationship a secret to protect me and us. When we last spoke about this subject, her intention was still to contact them after she's arrived in America, to announce to them her new life, which would be a life without them. Like I said before, this is a sad state of affairs, but she is savvy, and she is protecting us.

As for her "adoptive" family, who are her real family now, when I arrived in Cebu I brought them specialty chocolates from a local shop. And then the first full day in Cebu, I treated the family to dinner at their favorite restaurant. They've asked for no money, and although I had to pay for the jeepney, they did assist me by picking me up at the airport, all of them, and delivering me safely to my hotel on the first night. I was told by the mother they didn't expect either the chocolates or the dinner, but it really paid off for the good impression I made. The mother was only concerned that I knew the process to bring my fiance to America.

[Tron]

Tron:

I'm glad you were able to find the desire of your heart. You've done a lot of the heavy lifting to make this new life a reality for both of you. Obviously, you're a good man with a generous heart. What I always tell guys is that you are looking for someone who will match your efforts. A sincere foreign wife will exceed that and can provide a lifetime of satisfaction for both of you. Well done. I know it's not an easy journey, but the rewards can make it all worth while.

My advice on helping her adjust is that you need to provide her with a cushion - or a bubble of space. Back off on the pressure to force her to get adjusted on your timetable. Set up times for her to meet supportive friends, but you might want to wait 5 days or so before you do. If you can get her family on Skype it can help her feel connected to them. It will also help her to process what she is experiencing if she can describe it to family - blow by blow - as it happens.

Every woman is different when it comes to various elements of adjusting. Some appreciate making a connection with others from their homeland, and others would rather dedicate themselves to blending in with your life - language, foods, and all.

I wrote a book on international dating and dedicated the last three chapters to the visa process and making adjustments for your happily ever after story. If you'll get on my list I'll send you a free copy: http://www.internationaldatingformen.com/signup.htm

We're all very excited for you. Keep in touch with updates.

Best,

Mark

Thank you so much.

I'm sure it's excellent advice to moderate her exposure to America, her new friends and family, and the life that awaits her. She's expressed her concerns to me, what she will do with herself during the first weeks to months she is here, before she begins classes and employment, and while I am at work. She desires to work as soon as possible -- she is very driven by her current position in Cebu -- so I am dedicated to making that possible for her. But I've also assured her she may be quite busy already, meeting new friends and family, spending time with me, becoming acquainted with America, and all the while having on her mind the wedding. I suppose we'll both need to remain flexible to our feelings, and gauge our pace as it happens.

But I suspect she's the type of person who will be complicated; she will experience homesickness and uncertainty, but she will also want to fully invest herself in her new life. She's not the type of person to sit still for very long.

Thank you for the invitation to your book; I can use all the resources I can get my hands on. I'll be sure to post updates as things happen.

[pete98146]

Congratulations Tron!!! I'm very excited for you and your fiance. My wife Cathy has been in the States for 4 years now and she's done a great job of assimilating without losing her Filipino magic!

Here are a few tips for you.

1. Make sure and get the Filipino Channel at your house. I had to get a subscription to DirectTV but it's been worth it! This will make her feel at home even tho she is thousands of miles away.

2. Find a few good asian markets close to you house, if you fiance likes to cook she'll feel more comfortable shopping in these types of markets compared to Safeway. Filipino restaurants are hard to find so good luck with that! A good substitute is a hole in the wall teriyaki joint.

3. Although we don't go to church very often, I know many filipinas do so find a nice church.

4. Find a few activities that you guys can do TOGETHER. This is very important. If you keep her busy and you are near her side, the homesickness isn't as bad.

5. Determine if you want her to work or start a family. If she does want to work, I would recommend putting her thru something like dental assistant or nurses assistant schooling. MANY filipinas dream of working in the health industry career (it's a status symbol back home). My wife took dental assistant schooling for one year and now she makes $16 an hour which isn't bad at all! Most important, she retains her pride and feels like she is contributing something to our family. It also gives her some of her own money!

6. Get Skype or Magic Jack so she can talk to her family back home in the Phils.

Good luck man! Keep us posted!!!!

[Tron]

Congratulations Tron!!! I'm very excited for you and your fiance. My wife Cathy has been in the States for 4 years now and she's done a great job of assimilating without losing her Filipino magic!

Here are a few tips for you.

1. Make sure and get the Filipino Channel at your house. I had to get a subscription to DirectTV but it's been worth it! This will make her feel at home even tho she is thousands of miles away.

2. Find a few good asian markets close to you house, if you fiance likes to cook she'll feel more comfortable shopping in these types of markets compared to Safeway. Filipino restaurants are hard to find so good luck with that! A good substitute is a hole in the wall teriyaki joint.

3. Although we don't go to church very often, I know many filipinas do so find a nice church.

4. Find a few activities that you guys can do TOGETHER. This is very important. If you keep her busy and you are near her side, the homesickness isn't as bad.

5. Determine if you want her to work or start a family. If she does want to work, I would recommend putting her thru something like dental assistant or nurses assistant schooling. MANY filipinas dream of working in the health industry career (it's a status symbol back home). My wife took dental assistant schooling for one year and now she makes $16 an hour which isn't bad at all! Most important, she retains her pride and feels like she is contributing something to our family. It also gives her some of her own money!

6. Get Skype or Magic Jack so she can talk to her family back home in the Phils.

Good luck man! Keep us posted!!!!

Thank you -- thank you for your support and all the wonderful suggestions!

1. I'm actually chatting with my fiance as I reply to you, and was able to ask her already about having a Filipino station, I thought it was such a good suggestion. But I know she prefers cartoons, and she tells me she doesn't watch any Filipino movies. I think she'll be happier with the Cartoon Network (which she didn't know was an American produced channel) and having a line of communication back home. But it's an option to keep on the table, especially since it might help me pick up Tagalog faster.

2. Where we'll eventually move we ought to be able to find an asian town, which she's expressed an interest in. Though she's primarily interested in being thrifty over finding like a food marketplace. It's a great idea though, and something I'll keep in mind for if I think she might desire it. I know she shops in modern malls and supermarkets already, so I don't believe there will be too much adjustment. With few exceptions, all the Filipino foods I had there I can find here at Asian buffets.

4. Oh yes, definitely. We've already become each other's best friend, and we know from our time together in Cebu, we'll be the type of couple who is joined at the hip. We've already set out Sunday especially as our date day, but I doubt there will be too much we do outside of work and school which we don't do together. Which is not to say I won't encourage her to build a life for herself, too.

5. One of our earliest conversations had to do with when to start a family. I knew I couldn't be comfortable bringing her here to America just to become a homebody if that wasn't what she wanted. So I encouraged her immediately to aim high academically. When I first met her, she was especially interested in chemistry and teaching, though with her interest in people I suggested also psychology. Today, she's decided on pursuing a bacheolor's degree in nursing, followed by a master's in psychology. She's so intelligent I have no doubt she will succeed. So we will both be working students, as I'm still a university student, currently majoring in philosophy. Ultimately I'm aiming for doctorates in philosophy and physics, and might end up with an academic career. It's important to both of us that we both be equal contributors to our family.

6. Absolutely! This has been her number one concern to me in coping being away from friends and family. That is, having a channel of communication.