European Woman here..happily married..need advice

ambient · Post by **ambient** » August 30th, 2011, 10:38 am

Hi All

I am not sure if there are many other women on this site at all or not but I thought to post a new thread with a few questions. First off I have found this website a few days ago for the first time, I showed it to my husband and last night we also watched many of the videos on youtube. It was such an awesome experience and literally I felt as if a stone was lifted off my chest for the first time in seven years, after watching it.
I am eastern European, I am married to my wonderful american husband for seven years. We are very happy indeed, we have children and we could not ask for a better partner for life in any way.
I am however not "happy". We live in the US because he could not find a job in the EU and his field of expertise is literally a mess in my country (healthcare). We figured we would be able to have a large family here without the severe financial strain that we would have to face in my home country.
Anyhow, we settle in the US initially. Unfortunately I have to say that in the past seven years I have barely made any friends. I am becoming more and more depressed about it. I obviously miss my home country, my family and my culture above all, however I feel it would be easier if I could fit in here. People think I am not trying hard enough. I have tried for years..To the point of almost becoming an american. (Well, I did, I am a citizen now which I am honestly proud of..I've grown to love the spirit of this country very dearly.) Anyway after several years of trying I have snapped. I can't fit in here and I don't even want to anymore. I am tired of it and I am sick to my stomach. Women here are so shallow, so empty, so un-cultured. I can't have an intelligent conversation with any of them. I get blank stares every time I try. I am married and I don't want to give the impression to anyone that I am flirting..so I don't talk to guys either. There are only a few people that truly accepts me in my husband's family, oddly mainly the guys..! And my husband's mother, who is such a sweetheart - but she lives accross the country. We have no extended family, no social life. I hate raising my children like this. This is so foreign to me and so depressing. I can't get along with women in my husband's family either, I tried my hardest but I was ridiculed and then shut out completely, given the cold shoulder for years. I think they think I am inferior to them..they are shocked that I have strong opinions and I am not accepting their superiority in anything. I don't know.
Anyways I need help. I have given up on making true American friends but I have not given up on finding friends amongst foreign wives. I found this site and I immediately thought maybe some of you are already married and perhaps your own wives struggle with similar issues more or less (if you live in the States.)

My other issue would be - we really would like to get out of the US. I want to move home. Anywhere in the world would be great compared to this but ideally home. I am wondering if there's anyone who was able to find a job in the EU as an american citizen. How long did it take and what does the process take. I have studied informatics in the past but since I've been home for so many years with my children, my knowledge is extremely outdated and I don't think I could find a job at this point to support our family till my husband gets a chance to work.
How did others solve this problem? Is there a legit online work that is reliable? I am afraid to go back in the midst of this economic crisis when we have a reliable income here from my husband.

I am not sure really if anyone can help me, I guess I am just hoping to talk to some people in similar situation or with insight to our/my problems. Anything would be welcome really. Thanks so much for reading and wishing the best of luck to everyone

I would've never believed the grim truth about women in America if I did not see it with my own eyes and did not have to live amongst them for this many years. I hope everyone will find true happiness here!

Think Different · Post by **Think Different** » August 30th, 2011, 11:59 am

Ambient, I sent you a private message. Check your PM box. Hopefully, you're not just another troll.

MrPeabody · Post by **MrPeabody** » August 30th, 2011, 12:24 pm

I don't see any evidence of a troll, unless being a first time poster makes one suspicious. If we start hazing new posters, it is going to discourage people from contributing.

ambient · Post by **ambient** » August 30th, 2011, 12:47 pm

Thank you Think Different, I responded.
I am definitely not a troll, just a person who has no outlet whatsoever to vent about her frustration. I realized that my post sounds weird and probably out of the norm and I will put up with the ridiculing if any..I just got excited about this site because first time in so many years I was able to accept and admit that the problem is not with me. My husband was telling me this for years but it is a really difficult place to be in when you move to a new country and try to fit in to not to be so awkward and lonely.
To those that believe me and willing to give me a chance, thanks

To those who question my validity, you have every right to do so..Freedom of speech and freedom of thinking is still allowed in this country

I was a child during the end days of communism so believe me I appreciate the chance to speak my mind - if there's anyone receptive to it and willing to give the benefit of the doubt to someone with an awkward new thread.
Thanks

Think Different · Post by **Think Different** » August 30th, 2011, 12:52 pm

Guys, please be nice and encouraging to ambient. She sent a very nice PM reply back to me, and she's the real deal. She's anice and sincere European woman who is lost in the American "culture". She's just looking for advice.

Ambient, I recommend sending a PM to Jackal, who is an American working in Hungary right now. I think he may be able to answer some questions for you, too.

davewe · Post by **davewe** » August 30th, 2011, 12:58 pm

I am very sorry to hear of your plight. It is ironic that some of the very qualities that make people want to live in the US are also so unattractive when you are actually here. Clearly your husband understood the character or american women, which is why he married you.

While I do not have any real suggestions I would hope at you do not allow some of the negative aspects of the US to damage your relationship with your husband and family. Some day people will come up to you and ask how do you have such a happy family and husband. You have a secret that the US girls don't know.

Think Different · Post by **Think Different** » August 30th, 2011, 1:11 pm

Ambient, do you live near a large city, where you can find groups of others from Eastern Europe to hang out with, your children can play together, etc? American women are not intelligent or well-traveled enough to even know where to begin a conversation with you, let alone even find your country on a map.

A typical problem with Americans is that if you are a foreigner they'll give you the benefit of the doubt initially, but if you don't become a flag-waving "America is number 1" type nationalist, you will be viewed with suspicion. It happened to me, and I was born and raised in the US. You need to find other foreigners and hang out with them. American women will NOT become your friend, I'm afraid to say. If you're more attractive than they are, they will view you as a threat. If you are smarter than they are, they will also view you as a threat. Often, just knowing something about the world outside the US that Americans don't know (which is a lot), you will be perceived as "smarter", and that is a threat to American women. American men are generally of a much higher caliber and they will be intrigued and curious about you, but their nagging wives will keep them on a leash and not let them near you.

Have you gone to the website http://www.meetup.com and searched for international groups meeting in your area? That may be the best way to start. If you're living in a little town or in rural America then I am sorry, but you're probably not going to improve the situation and your family is your life. Period.

Jackal · Post by **Jackal** » August 30th, 2011, 1:34 pm

Hi Ambient,

I'm sorry to hear about the pain you feel while living in the US, but it doesn't suprise me either. If your husband sees you as a beautiful, Eastern European goddess, then try to let that cheer you up.

Think Different wrote: Ambient, I recommend sending a PM to Jackal, who is an American working in Hungary right now. I think he may be able to answer some questions for you, too.

Unfortunately, I know little about jobs in Hungary outside of for ESL jobs for native speakers of English.

Ambient, I'm not sure if your husband could get a job in the healthcare field in Hungary when he only speaks English. But I don't know anything for sure, so it's worth looking into. I know that many good Hungarian doctors leave the country because they make more money elsewhere. If he does get the job here, the trade off would be a much, much lower salary. This isn't western Europe...

Think Different · Post by **Think Different** » August 30th, 2011, 1:42 pm

Jackal wrote:Hi Ambient,

I'm sorry to hear about the pain you feel while in the US, but it doesn't suprise me. If your husband sees you as a beautiful, Eastern European goddess, then try to let that cheer you up.

Think Different wrote: Ambient, I recommend sending a PM to Jackal, who is an American working in Hungary right now. I think he may be able to answer some questions for you, too.
Unfortunately, I know little about jobs in Hungary outside of for ESL jobs for native speakers of English.

Ambient, I'm not sure if your husband could get a job in the healthcare field in Hungary when he only speaks English. But I don't know anything for sure, so it's worth looking into. I know that many good Hungarian doctors leave the country because they make more money elsewhere. If he does get the job here, the trade off would be a much, much lower salary. This isn't western Europe...

My understanding is that he is not a doctor, but works in a lab as a "medical technologist". I suggested that her husband could teach ESL, at least initially. If they're living with or near her family then they will have the "daycare" for the kids through her family. Health coverage would be taken care of by the state, she could put her kids back in public school, and that could leave her the chance to go back to work. If she and her husband are both working (even if the pay is lower), they could do OK there, I think. What are your thoughts Jackal?

The only other alternative I could see, is for her and the kids to go back to Hungary every summer for 3 months and get rejuvenated. With that scenario they could keep their higher salary, but she and the kids will get the best of both worlds.

ambient · Post by **ambient** » August 30th, 2011, 2:26 pm

Thank you so much everyone! I very much appreciate your trust and help. I will try to answer the best I can

My husband knows a LITTLE hungarian, it's his great desire to learn the language (one of his fore-mother was hungarian). In my understanding the biggest obstacle for him is that EU doesn't let american citizens to work there (without a permit/visa, or at all, I am not sure). I could theoretically work while he gets his papers done and recertification, etc, however I am thinking I would have very hard time to find job. Traditionally in Hungary employers discriminate mothers with young children. We have little kids. I haven't worked since in the US - they did not give me work permit upon entering (on a K-1 visa) and by the time I got my permanent residency I was about to give birth to our first. Since then I've been a stay-at- home mom which was a great blessing as we always wanted family and I did not want to give up that dream of ours and sacrifice it for more money or career. I fear that in the current economy my qualifications are less than desirable to find a job again at home.

My husband would be interested in teaching English - he always wanted to teach but once we had family we were afraid of the pay cut it would be compared to now. Of course if we lived near my family again then it would be once again easier- I know we would have help from various family members at least initially.

Still I am afraid to take such a huge step to the unknown, now with a quite large family. I was not afraid to come to the US but over the years I grew bitter and a lot less trusting. I thank goodness for my husband though, he's a very smart, very sensitive man and a great husband and father and this is exactly why I don't want to sound like a whiner. He deserves much more, and I don't want to disappoint him. I already feel bad that for several years I've tried to fit in here, giving up so many of the characteristics he fell in love with. Not in the wrong way...he and I both were raised religiously..I just tried to fit in the "fundie" and protestant/evangelical crowd......without much success (thank goodness! but I didn't know it back then)

Oh and as far as the eastern european goddess goes..hahah. I wish..I've gained atleast 80 lbs since I first started to eat the Mc american diet. My physical health deteriorated over the years, even. I am working on getting back to shape but I fear that in my physical looks I've became an American. It's terrifying and I am ashamed to say it but its the truth.

Think Different · Post by **Think Different** » August 30th, 2011, 2:32 pm

ambient wrote:Thank you so much everyone! I very much appreciate your trust and help. I will try to answer the best I can

My husband knows a LITTLE hungarian, it's his great desire to learn the language (one of his fore-mother was hungarian). In my understanding the biggest obstacle for him is that EU doesn't let american citizens to work there (without a permit/visa, or at all, I am not sure). I could theoretically work while he gets his papers done and recertification, etc, however I am thinking I would have very hard time to find job. Traditionally in Hungary employers discriminate mothers with young children. We have little kids. I haven't worked since in the US - they did not give me work permit upon entering (on a K-1 visa) and by the time I got my permanent residency I was about to give birth to our first. Since then I've been a stay-at- home mom which was a great blessing as we always wanted family and I did not want to give up that dream of ours and sacrifice it for more money or career. I fear that in the current economy my qualifications are less than desirable to find a job again at home.

My husband would be interested in teaching English - he always wanted to teach but once we had family we were afraid of the pay cut it would be compared to now. Of course if we lived near my family again then it would be once again easier- I know we would have help from various family members at least initially.

Still I am afraid to take such a huge step to the unknown, now with a quite large family. I was not afraid to come to the US but over the years I grew bitter and a lot less trusting. I thank goodness for my husband though, he's a very smart, very sensitive man and a great husband and father and this is exactly why I don't want to sound like a whiner. He deserves much more, and I don't want to disappoint him. I already feel bad that for several years I've tried to fit in here, giving up so many of the characteristics he fell in love with. Not in the wrong way...he and I both were raised religiously..I just tried to fit in the "fundie" and protestant/evangelical crowd......without much success (thank goodness! but I didn't know it back then)

Oh and as far as the eastern european goddess goes..hahah. I wish..I've gained atleast 80 lbs since I first started to eat the Mc american diet. My physical health deteriorated over the years, even. I am working on getting back to shape but I fear that in my physical looks I've became an American. It's terrifying and I am ashamed to say it but its the truth.

I don't know how things work in Hungary, but here in Italy I was able to get a work/residency permit within 3 days of arrival. I believe most of that stuff is EU law now. I am not Italian, but my wife and our son are. As the spouse of an Italian citizen I received a permit to stay based on "familial circumstances". I landed an ESL job within 2 weeks (after 1.5 years of unsuccessfully finding anything decent in the US. The other thing you can do, in order to slowly move to Hungary, is for you and the children to go first, and then have your husband follow you, once he's gotten everything sold back in the States. That is what we did, and it'll also give you and the kids time to settle in, and for you to start getting his paperwork in order for his arrival. You can also use that time before his arrival to find work for yourself and start talking to language schools about positions where he could work.

ambient · Post by **ambient** » August 30th, 2011, 2:38 pm

I forgot to add - I don't want to say where exactly I live for privacy reasons obviously, but definitely not close to a larger metropolitan area. We have many foreign born people in our area but most of them are only hanging out with people from their own country. Interestingly we have a lot of polish here but they showed no interest of meeting others from other eastern European countries, even though historically our nations have really good relations.
I know a few hungarians in the area as well..Unfortunately they're either single or even if married, there are no kids. We get together - really infrequently. Some of them are not even interested in talking to me because they're radically different in their life views I guess.
I also have to say it for truth's sake, I have talked to several NICE american ladies over the years and there are a few I can get along with. It takes real sacrifice -I am not saying it the wrong way, hope it doesn't come off big headed..Basically other stay-at-home moms are uninterested in intellectual conversations and I can only get along with them as long as I keep the discussion simple, about kids or home cooked meals. It's just a far cry from what I am used to when it comes to conversations. Then there's the other end - highly intelligent "career" women, who think being a stay-at-home mother is somehow less than working for someone else, and they don't even consider me as another human being. lol. I hope it makes sense.

ladislav · Post by **ladislav** » August 30th, 2011, 2:41 pm

A few thoughts:

1) Where there is a will, there is a way. If you devote 8 hours a day to looking for a way to move to the EU and explore every avenue and sit and calmly brainstorm, doors will open. I am now making some $1200 a month online and it is not bad for living in the Philippines. I never thought I would be able to do it. If you really really want something, think hard and things will come to you.
2) The whole thing about not being able to find friends in America is an enormous unsung problem that no one seems to address adequately. Also if you now fall into the "white" category in the US, things may be harder for you than for other immigrants who are treated much better because people try and be nice ( although in a condescending way) to them. Being an East Euro is no fun- you are more cultured but also poorer and that sucks. White people in America expect you to act "white" and Anglo which means non intellectual, practical and haughty. And if you don't, you are a freak and a weirdo. If you are a man, you are instantly labeled gay because you are cultured and dress well, and are ostracized, and I guess, the women, too ,cannot act lesbian and butch, they dress well and converse well and again are seen as freaks.

Now, if you are a Japanese or some Indian person, then you can be different, and talk and act and dress funny but those who become " white" in the US have to act "Mericun" or face total ostracism. Socially, you are one step below an Okie from Muskogie.

The same goes for black immigrants. These get no slack. If it is an Ethiopian scholar, or a Jamaican music teacher, now these have to hate whites, act ghetto gangster, or face ostracism as well. Well, at least some white people will treat them kind ( I 'd better be nice to the black man, I am not prejudiced)

I rebelled against this. How come I never get called a freak or treated badly in Latin America or the Philippines or even in Japan? I am the same person. How come even when I went to Russia in 2009 immediately I was able to make contacts with people and they treated me OK. I am not the problem!

Anyway, your problem is basically money. That's all there is to it.

Put your whole brainpower into solving it.

ambient · Post by **ambient** » August 30th, 2011, 2:46 pm

Think Different, thank you so much for your insight. I thought getting a permit would take much longer than that. I will try to get in touch with teachers that I know in Hungary. Maybe we'll get some leads. Got to run now - but I'll be back later to answer anything if I've forgotten to respond to anything from everyone's posts!

Room Temp · Post by **Room Temp** » August 30th, 2011, 11:06 pm

So I am ambiant's husband. I have a BS in Clinical Lab Science and work as a Medical Technologist for a hospital lab. The money is not bad but the hours suck and I have to work weekends and holidays. I would not mind, even like, teaching English (I always wanted to be a science teacher) but I am worried if I can bring in enough income to support my wife and four kids. Is this possible as an English teacher in Hungary? We are not worried about living fancy but would like to not worry if we can keep the lights on or where our next meal will be. Ambiant is a 1/4 owner of a flat in her home town which might or might not help. I also still owe about $22,000 on my student loans.

European Woman here..happily married..need advice

European Woman here..happily married..need advice

Ambiant's husband