Here's what happened with my last American girlfriend

[Winston]

From back in 2001:

The girls in Nevada were definitely friendlier and more cheerful than in the Northwest. And they would talk to me in a friendly relaxed manner. But again, they were very picky about who they went out with, so when I tried to get dates, I was met with the same convenient polite blow off excuses.

My luck would not change until the Fall, when I met an older but very attractive brunette at a Wiccan gathering named Danielle Johnsen. She was tall, attractive, and looked like a rich guy's girl. I couldn't believe that she was infatuated and enamored with me. While in disbelief, I was elated at the same time, and on cloud 9. We had a steamy 5 week relationship. Each time we parted, I couldn't wait to see her again. She also made love in a way that I had never experienced before. She was so skilled, honed, tender, and knew just what to do at the right time. She also knew how to set the music and candles just right too. Obviously, she was very experienced and had a lot of lovers before (not a very good sign obviously). Every time we made love, I was left mesmerized. I had never been touched like that before (and have not since either).

When she came to see my play one weekend, all the cast were envious at how attractive of a girlfriend I had. After a stunning performance with a standing ovation from the crowd, we all had a big dinner celebration. There, I had Danielle, my parents (who had come down to visit me), my best friends Michael Goodspeed and John Benneth and a warm crowd and cast I had gotten to know. It was a high point of my life, so many wonderful people, including my new girlfriend and best friends, and parents, all together in one place. It was one of those moments where you feel like you have it all. Plus, with the good paying easy fun job I had at the modeling agency, I was making good money in a field that I loved too, show biz. So at that point, every area of my life was on a high point, a rarity.

But alas, as you might have heard, such "high points" in life usually precede coming tragedies where it all falls apart. And such was the case here as well.

One Sunday morning, after a steamy weekend together where she finally uttered the big three words (I love you) for the first time, a snow storm hit. Eager to get back home while the roads were still driveable, we set out after breakfast to drive her back home. Outside while was cleaning my windshield, her house keys fell from her purse side pocket into the snow. But we didn't find out about it until we reached her house. By then, the road back up to Virginia City had become undrivable, so we were stranded. Her roommate was also out and wouldn't return for hours as well. So we waited it out at Target and then at a Mexian restaurant. But while we waited, I could sense that something was wrong. I felt a vibe of hostility from her as well as a growing tension between us. She became agitated, blaming me for the whole thing, even though it was her that stupidly put her keys in the side pocket that was easy to fall out of. Not wanting to make things worse, I kept quiet. But I could sense that something imbalanced in her had been set off in motion, which I had no control over.

When her roommate finally returned late that night, we drove her back and though she offered to let me stay there til the roads became drivable again, I declined and wanted to go back to my apartment, since I had tasks planned that afternoon and as a perfectionist, I didn't want to leave things unfinished or be behind. It was a difficult slippery drive back up the hills in the snow and I barely made it, having to go out and push my car out of the snow when I reached my place.

The next day, my fears were confirmed. When I called Danielle, she was cold and distant, and sounded argumentive as though looking for a reason to start a fight. The more I tried to calm her down and fix things to put the incident behind us, the worst it got though. It seemed that she was using everything I said against me, even when I was trying to be helpful and nice. As you know, that's a very bad sign and indicator that someone is basically "through with you". She then told me not to call her for a week.

The next time I called her, the same thing happened. Everything I said was used against me and she was very argumentive again. She had flipped, gone psycho, so to speak, and was not the same anymore. She blamed it all on me using twisted logic, and hallucinated false facts to justify her position, as American women often do. But everytime I corrected her with the truth and the facts, she would just use that further against me. It was a no win situation. (which I am no stranger to) We were done for and she was not returning back to normal.

In addition, she also added insult to injury by mocking me with parting shots about how my car was not nice, how I wasn't rich and that I had "nothing", etc. How immature for a supposedly "spiritual Wiccan woman"!

To say that I was in disbelief would be an understatement. How could this be? It was so unreal. Here I find the perfect girlfriend, one that was actually very attractive by conventional standards, after years and years of searching, and I lose her at the drop of a hat just like that, just cause she loses her car keys in the snow, which wasn't even my fault?! That makes no sense at all! Gee, I must have the worst luck in the world! Something up there was definitely against me, always making everything go wrong!

For the next few weeks, I was in deep withdrawal pain again. In some ways it was a good thing because being in pain over Danielle kind of sealed and completed the recovery from the nightmarish deep pain I had over Robin, by diverting my pain and healing energies onto a different persona. Thousands of times, I kept replaying the events of the Sunday before we broke up, wishing that I had put her keys that afternoon in the center area of her purse protected by the zipper, instead of handing them to her to let her stupidly put in the side pocket to fall out later while she was wiping snow off my windshield. I kept thinking over and over again, if only I had done that, our relationship might be fine and still going by now. After all, how can a steamy relationship that was going so well change so quickly over one little accident like that?! It didn't add up in my head and I kept obsessing over it to the point of madness.

Now I was really disillusioned with American women. Not only do they truly only care for themselves when the chips are down, as Robin demonstrated. But they were also so mentally unstable and psycho that they would change at the drop of a hat too?! How can you ever trust them then or invest your life in them?! I realized that continuing to seek a quality loving stable relationship with an attractive American woman that will last, was pretty much a futile endeavor, no matter how hard and long you try.

[momopi]

The problem, IMO, is that you tried to calm her down or debate with her. That usually doesn't work and will make things worse. Women tend to get more pissed off if you try to kiss up to them.

From past experience, often the best thing to do after initial attempts is to simply shrug, say "whatever", and walk off. Don't call for a few days to a week (this depends on the person and circumstance), possibly longer. 2 out of 3 times the girl will call back and apologize. The other 1 out of 3 times, you have to call and re-initiate contact.

I can only speculate on the reasons. Perhaps the women is looking for men who value their own opinion and time/space (alpha-male or bad-wolf), instead of bending over to please others (beta-male).

[Enishi]

Much as some women will say that want one thing, their subconscious instincts desire something entirely different.

[jamesbond]

Winston, just think of how successful you have been with women ever since you left America! This would of never happened if you were still living in the US. I think more men need to travel and check out other areas of the world before deciding to live in the US the rest of their life.

[gmm567]

So if you try to please someone else, you're a worthless "beta" male who has no value. My god this culture is "f***ed."

[Winston]

The problem, IMO, is that you tried to calm her down or debate with her. That usually doesn't work and will make things worse. Women tend to get more pissed off if you try to kiss up to them.

From past experience, often the best thing to do after initial attempts is to simply shrug, say "whatever", and walk off. Don't call for a few days to a week (this depends on the person and circumstance), possibly longer. 2 out of 3 times the girl will call back and apologize. The other 1 out of 3 times, you have to call and re-initiate contact.

I can only speculate on the reasons. Perhaps the women is looking for men who value their own opinion and time/space (alpha-male or bad-wolf), instead of bending over to please others (beta-male).

W: I don't think that was the problem. The problem was in her subconscous mind. She was using everything against me. When I try to calm or debate Dianne, it works like a charm. It was obvious that Danielle had issues. After all, why do you think she was still single at 35 even though she had killer hot looks?

Perhaps I did things to remind her of an ex, so she pegged me the same as he was. That triggers it in some women. As soon as you remind them of their ex, you're history.

But here in the Philippines, when girls tell me I look like their ex, that's a POSITIVE thing and makes them like me more!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Kampr]

So if you try to please someone else, you're a worthless "beta" male who has no value. My god this culture is "f***ed."

This is not just in the dating scene, and not just Americans:

I tried tutoring for a while, helping struggling college students understand math and other subjects. I consistently found that foreign students from Africa treated me like I was a fool for trying to be of assistance. They acted like I was their personal servant and got upset when I imposed limits. Yet they badly needed my help because they were on average quite stupid.

If a woman take the attitude that nice men are fools, my advice to her would be: please don't breed.

Seeing niceness as a sign of weakness could indicate stupidity.

[DavidG]

Mate, I dated a similar type of girl here in Australia .
If it wasnt the keys in the snow incident, then you can bet your bottom dollar it would be something else. She's definitely not marriage material, just a girl looking for excitement and adventure. At least you can be thankful you got out sooner rather than later.

[Erasmus]

Winston did nothing wrong here. The problem is that the chick is a psycho. I tell you that I dont like angry women. It would have been OK that she was upset that her keys were lost. The problems are that she blamed Winston for something that was actually her fault and that she was still angry the next day. If she holds onto anger like that, she is bad news. That is one large red flag. Also no need to give her another phone call. If she wants you she'll find a way to contact you.

That's another one of those things with AWs: you got to do everything while they sit back and wait, decide and judge your actions. They do nothing. So they rarely initiate anything from phone calls to dates.

Screw 'em.

[jamesbond]

Winston did nothing wrong here. The problem is that the chick is a psycho. I tell you that I dont like angry women. It would have been OK that she was upset that her keys were lost. The problems are that she blamed Winston for something that was actually her fault and that she was still angry the next day. If she holds onto anger like that, she is bad news. That is one large red flag. Also no need to give her another phone call. If she wants you she'll find a way to contact you.

That's another one of those things with AWs: you got to do everything while they sit back and wait, decide and judge your actions. They do nothing. So they rarely initiate anything from phone calls to dates.

Screw 'em.

Amen brother, I agree 100%

[Winston]

Hi all,
To be fair to my last American girlfriend, I think I should at least represent what she said more accurately (even though it still demonstrates that she is wacko).

During our last few phone conversations, where she explained to me why we were breaking up and why we wouldn't work out, she said that she wasn't breaking up over her losing her keys, but that a number of things I did and said revealed me to be insensitive and inconsiderate personality that she could never tolerate. In effect, little things I did kept rubbing her the wrong way.

However, I never felt that the type of things that rubbed her the wrong way, were things that a reasonable mature sane person would consider to be rude in any way. She seemed to take normal little things and twist them into "violations", and read a lot into little things. Basically, anything that you did or said that didn't agree with her, was seen as a "violation".

For instance, she cited that when I was at her house and we were baking a pumpkin pie together in the oven, I tried to take control and wanted to cook it differently than she did. But because I tried to do it my way more than once, against her preference, she took that as a "rude violation". But in fact, I never made a scene out of it, I merely reiterated how long I though it should be cooked.

And when I joked about her wanting to be like barbie, teasing her a little, she felt violated that I did it even after the fact that she told me she didn't like barbie.

There was this one time when I didn't think before saying something though. During one of our passionate lovemaking sessions, I whispered to her that I never experienced love making like this at the "pro level", which I had intended as a compliment, but which she interpreted as saying that she was a prostitute. That might have been insensitive, but she did not shrug it off as an innocent mistake like most people would have done. She remembered it and counted it as a big negative point against me.

And on the night where she lost her keys, I insisted against her will that I drive back up to my place to try to retrieve the keys out of the snow, because I didn't want to sit around and do nothing but wait for her roommate to come back while she got more and more moody. But when I drove up the hill, the road became slippery with snow, so I turned back around. Nevertheless, that attempt against her will counted as a "violation" point against me, which she tallied up.

So, she said, the events that occurred after she lost her keys revealed to her "the real me" she said. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. My God. Instead of trying to fix the problem that night, had I simply thrown her out the car in the snow, I would have gotten the same result, or even better (if she likes to be treated badly).

And what she also said was that she could never tolerate long term being with someone who constantly "violates" her will, as it is a sign of a bad personality and insensitive jerk. I was confused though. I thought I had treated her like a queen. So how the hell did it come to this? Weird.

Anyhow, that was the gist of her argument. And I feel that I should at least represent it accurately, rather than leave the impression that it was all about the keys.

Still, I never understood why she read so much (and so negatively) into minute things.

PS - One of her girlfriends in the Wicca group later on told me, after their friendship ended too, that Danielle had told her after the keys incident that she thought that I made her lose her keys deliberately to keep her around longer. (Yeah right, after a whole weekend together, I wanted my own space to do my own thing)

PS - One more interesting thing, she actually said that even if I was her husband, if I came up behind her while she was cooking and fingered or grabbed her ass, she would feel violated, even if I was her husband! (None of my other girlfriends or exes would have been violated by that, but would have reciprocated, so that was odd)

[momopi]

PS - One more interesting thing, she actually said that even if I was her husband, if I came up behind her while she was cooking and fingered or grabbed her ass, she would feel violated, even if I was her husband! (None of my other girlfriends or exes would have been violated by that, but would have reciprocated, so that was odd)

What she's saying is, it's OK for a guy to grab her behind if she wants him to, but not if she didn't want him to, and she won't tell the guy what she wants even if he asked. It's the guy's job to guess everything correctly and make all the right moves.

And if she wants a guy bad enough, it doesn't matter if he grabs her rear, cheats on her, or even abuses her, she'd come running back to him. And when things finally breaks apart she blames "all men are butt holes" because 1) the bad boy won't change for her, and 2) all the good guys are at fault for not having high enough sexual market value to her and its' their fault.

If you want to understand, stop using logic or "fairness" and start using emotional reasoning. Been there, done that.

And yes, usually the "bad boys" are better in bed than the "good boys" with more experience and attitude, plus if the girl finds the bad boy more attractive to her then she'd enjoy the sex better. Sex is emotional/physical and not logical.

Guys complain about girls making irrational, emotional decisions, but given similiar choice many guys would rather sleep with the slutty cheerleader than the bookworm too. They're just pissed off when they can't get seem laid with either.

[HardCoreMaddog]

Hi all,
To be fair to my last American girlfriend, I think I should at least represent what she said more accur.................................


...................
was cooking and fingered or grabbed her ass, she would feel violated, even if I was her husband! (None of my other girlfriends or exes would have been violated by that, but would have reciprocated, so that was odd)

Personally I don't see what Winston did wrong here. I mean I always thought Man had to be in control of the relationship in "American dating" and that's exactly what Winston did... he tried to help her out with keys and try to be the leader of relationship by being dominant accordingly to American dating culture but obviously she must suffer from long hysteria of mental problems. Sorry if it sounds harsh and no offense to Winston in any way, I just think that Winston tried his best based on reading his article here.

[polya]

Imagine if you married her - she'd be worse than Napoleon's Josephine (A royal nag). I've just realised that many American girls just want to take guys for as much as possible, then to end relationships when the well runs dry. I'm not talking just about money, but girls just want it all - you must be sensitive, yet slay the dragon. Have a brilliant career, yet spend more time with her...(the list never ends). Thank God I'm away from all that shi%t & my girlfriend's family lived on less than $100 a month all her childhood is not a spoiled bi&tch who demands everything from me. I can't wait until America goes through another depression, as this is the only thing that'll change these unrealistic attitudes. Lets face it, she couldn't take the fact that you cooked pumpkin pie differently!! What an ego she has.

[kristy_571]

I am sorry to hear about what you went through Winston, and about how she mistreated you. I can't believe that a woman that is older than you would put you down for not being rich. Who does the old hag think she is?! Just because she is hot does not mean she is desirable. I don't think any woman over 25 deserves to be such a witch. She is lucky she had you at all. Forget her. You have Dianne. Be happy now. Peace and hugs to you and family.