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Funny Jokes About Americans LOL

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Funny Jokes About Americans LOL

Postby Winston » Sat May 17, 2008 5:28 pm

A Greek Italian related this joke about Americans to me:

“When the UN distributed this questionnaire:

‘What is your opinion on how to reduce food shortage to the rest of the world?’

The European replied: ‘What is shortage?’

The African replied: ‘What is food?’

The Chinese replied: ‘What is opinion?’

The American replied: ‘What is the rest of the world?’â€￾

He then added:

“Over here in Italy, one thing that does not lack is culture and interest to the "rest of the world"â€￾

And another traveler shared this one with me:

“What do you call someone who can speak two languages?
Bilingual

What do you call someone who can speak three languages?
Trilingual

What do you call someone who can speak only one language?
Americanâ€￾
Last edited by Winston on Mon May 05, 2014 5:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby ladislav » Mon Jun 02, 2008 6:19 pm

An American was on a plane bound for Asia. He addressed his fellow traveler: 'Hey, what 'ese' are you?' 'Pardon me?' the Asian fellow traveler asked? 'Yeah,I mean what 'ese'? Are you Chinese,Vietnamese or Japanese?' 'I am Vietnamese', answered the Asian person. 'How about you? What 'key' are you?' 'What 'key'?- the American traveler was puzzled 'What do you mean, a 'key'?'

'Are you a donkey, a monkey or a Yankey?'
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Postby Grunt » Mon Jun 02, 2008 8:42 pm

The amusing thing about Americans is, they are the fattest and most ignorant people on earth. And I know, because I am American.

The more amusing thing is, when I lived in Ukraine we did visit the American embassy in Kiev a few times. And there were a hundred odd Ukrainians all standing in line, trying to get into America.

For foreigners, you have to balance objectivity vs. insecurities. We can all point and laugh at the rampant corruption in Africa because thats an objective observation. But no one is scrambling to get into Zimbabwe.

But when people make fun of America and Americans, then stack up 100 deep for a visa lottery...thats most likely a reflection of a person or peoples insecurities, or envy.
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Postby momopi » Tue Jun 03, 2008 1:13 am

Immigrants who are willing to leave their native environment in seek of better economic/educational opportunities are not the majority. They are driven by different desires and priorities.

Both myself and Winston are immigrants from Taiwan. I recall reading a survey back in 1990's that 12% of the people would consider emigrating to another country, while the rest would prefer to stay.

As an interesting statistic, approx. 1 million Taiwanese reside in China, 500,000-600,000 in the US, and less than 30,000 in Australia. Yet, when asked which countries they'd prefer to emigrate to, Australia usually ranks on top, followed by US or Canada, with China somewhere under it.

I have friends who live and work in Taiwan, China, and Vietnam. Here in the US we typically work 40 hour weeks, more in some professions like IT. In Taiwan, my friends typically work 10-12 hour days. I have a good lady friend in Taipei who works for an import/export company, she goes to work at 8:30am and gets off at 8:30pm-9pm.

In China and Vietnam offices, they put in 12-14 hours/day. My friend Kelly is in Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City) now and she works 8am-10pm, 6 days a week at her company office.

For the first generation immigrants in the US, they often put in long hours at a restaurant for little pay. But for their 1.5+ gen children, they work less hours with higher pay and better educational opportunities.

My parents came to the US to start over and to give their kid (me) an opportunity. As soon as I completed college, they moved back to Taiwan. This is not unique as previous surveys on Taiwanese immigrants in the US showed that approx. 33% desired to move back to TW.
Last edited by momopi on Tue Jun 03, 2008 2:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Grunt » Tue Jun 03, 2008 2:24 am

I read that 43% of the population in Vancouver, Canada are Chinese, from Taiwan I think. The economy there is booming too. Immigration is good when you get the right people. But dont tell that to the 35 million illegal Mexicans raping and pillaging their way through America.
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Postby Enishi » Tue Jun 03, 2008 2:48 am

In China and Vietnam offices, they put in 12-14 hours/day. My friend Kelly is in Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City) now and she works 8am-10pm, 6 days a week at her company office.


Ick. China was one of the places I was considering moving too, but now I'm not so sure. Working that kind of schedule for a while to save up money would be feasible, but I wouldn't want to do it for very long.
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Postby Enishi » Tue Jun 03, 2008 2:54 am

http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/co ... 953606.htm

Hmm, now I somewhat take back what I said. Even if there's not as much overtime pay, it looks like its not as bad over there as I thought.
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Postby ladislav » Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:29 pm

The amusing thing about Americans is, they are the fattest and most ignorant people on earth. And I know, because I am American.


Naturalization makes one fat, too.I know because I am naturalized and I am becoming fat. As far as being most ignorant, well,I would try interviewing someone from the Ukranian countryside. You will be surprised.

The more amusing thing is, when I lived in Ukraine we did visit the American embassy in Kiev a few times. And there were a hundred odd Ukrainians all standing in line, trying to get into America.


They may have families or jobs waiting for them there. There are more going into Canada where there are more Ukranians, though.

Many Americans are applying for jobs in Saudi Arabia ( 35,000 of them live and work in Saudi and some 50,000 in Japan and some 100,000 in the Philippines, and some 4-5 million are living abroad period). The reason you see Ukranians at the embassy 'scrambling' is because they cannot get into the US without a visa and a personal interview. Americans on the other hand can get into most countries without a visa or if one is required,no personal interview is needed- you simply send the passport to an agent and he/she does all the work. That is why you do not see hundreds of Americans at the Saudi Embassy even though hundreds leave daily to work there and many do so for decades.

For foreigners, you have to balance objectivity vs. insecurities. We can all point and laugh at the rampant corruption in Africa because thats an objective observation. But no one is scrambling to get into Zimbabwe.


Well, Zimbabwe is an extreme case, but lots of people are scrambling to get into S. Africa or Kenya, particularly from poorer countries. Nigeria has hundreds of thousands of foreigners. People move to where money and jobs are;it does not mean they want to move; they have to move.

But when people make fun of America and Americans, then stack up 100 deep for a visa lottery...


Well, I am not sure that the people telling these jokes are the ones that immediately afterwards fill out green card applications. Plus they go for those lotteries because the US is advertising those all around the world. Australia and Canada are also looking for immigrants- read any Dubai newspaper. Argentina is also looking for people. The UK is looking for people- they just invited in hundreds of thousands of Poles. You are witnessing migrations not just immigration to the US. So, if one tells a joke about a Canuck or a Brit,or an Aussie, it it really insecurity?

thats most likely a reflection of a person or peoples insecurities, or envy.

I would not read in too deep. These are just jokes. The three told above are probably all there is. Americans make fun of other countries, tell Mexican and Italian jokes, tell Polish jokes and all that.Those are in hundreds if not thousands. But both Italy and Mexico are full of Americans,one million in Mexico alone. Do these jokes reflect envy and insecurity of Americans who are scrambling for the Mexican residency? I dont think so. Jokes reflect funny or annoying things we see in other cultures, that's all.
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Postby momopi » Tue Jun 03, 2008 2:35 pm

Grunt wrote:I read that 43% of the population in Vancouver, Canada are Chinese, from Taiwan I think. The economy there is booming too. Immigration is good when you get the right people. But dont tell that to the 35 million illegal Mexicans raping and pillaging their way through America.


I looked it up and it's about 30%, with largest group from HK. Probably from the pre-1997 immigration wave.


Enishi wrote:http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/content/05_40/b3953606.htm

Hmm, now I somewhat take back what I said. Even if there's not as much overtime pay, it looks like its not as bad over there as I thought.


Government jobs would keep regular hours, and foreign teachers might only work 5-6 hours/day. Private enterprise is not as generous.
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Postby Winston » Thu Jun 05, 2008 7:54 am

Grunt wrote:I read that 43% of the population in Vancouver, Canada are Chinese, from Taiwan I think. The economy there is booming too. Immigration is good when you get the right people. But dont tell that to the 35 million illegal Mexicans raping and pillaging their way through America.


W: Most of them are Cantonese. There are many Chinese malls and streets in Vancouver. When I go to them, I hear Cantonese usually. They never make eye contact with you though, and act like you don't exist. Very cold and lonely to me.
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Postby ledamien » Sat Jul 25, 2009 12:03 am

Allow me to share my two cents. I love jokes as they show parts of the culture they originate from, and how people from different countries are seen...

"How do you call someone who is interested in arts and literature from all over the world in the US ?
- A foreigner."

An American and a Frenchman spend a day together in Paris. They first have a breakfast, and at the end of it, the Frenchman cleans the table.
"What are you doing?" says the American
- Just cleaning...
- In the US, we save bread crumbs and make croissants out of them, and sell them to the French!"
The Frenchman does not answer.
Later, they have a drink. Seeing the bartender washing glasses, the American says:
"What is he doing?"
- Just washing glasses...
- In the US, we save what's left in every glasses, mix it with anis, and sell that to the French! We call that Pastis !" (a famous drink in the south of France)
Annoyed, the French still doesn't answer.
Later, they go to a sex house. After doing, well, what they had to do, they meet on the street. The American throws away his used condom
" That's a shame that you threw it away, says the French
- Why ?
- Because we usually recycle them to make chewing gum that we sell to Americans..."

In general, jokes about Americans are jokes about people seen as showy, kind of arrogant and money obsessed. Here's one about a Frenchman, a Belgium man and and American. In France, Belgium people are considered dumb, a little bit like the Irish for the British people or Canadian for Americans.

"A French, an American and a Belgium man have their wish granted. If they throw themselves into a swimming pool while shouting what they want, they will fall into a swimming pool filled with it.
The French jumps, and shouts "girls!". The swimming pool is instantaneously filled with sexy girls.
The American jumps, and shouts "money!". He dives into $100 bills.
The Belgium man jumps, but loses his shoe while jumping. He notices and says: "Oh, shit..."
Guess what he falls down in..."

This last one may shock you in a wrong way. I apologize in advance for it, but I wanted to share it with you for, well, "cultural purposes".

"An American, a British and a French come back from a safari. They discuss their scores.
The British says "I shot a lion, two elephants and a dozen of gazelles before tea time"
Jealous, the French says "Well I got twenty elephants. Okay, they were already dead, but still..."
The Americans then proudly shouts (shouting is the American way of speaking):
"Well, I beat you all: I shot 58 Nosh-oot."
The two others are stunned. "What's a "Nosh-oot"?"
"It's the funny little black people who run around shouting "No shoot! No shoot!""
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Postby Winston » Mon May 05, 2014 5:36 pm

Q: What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?

A: If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years, it'll grow a culture.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a county that lacks a modern telecommunications system?
"Technologically backward"

What do you call a county that lacks a fully integrated banking system?
"Economically underdeveloped."

What do you call a country that lacks a well-connected public transportation system?
"America"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

An American takes a sightseeing tour around London. While watching around he smiles and tells the guide:
"Listen pal, why is everything so small here? Look at this building for example. In America it would be 10 times as big..."
"I completely agree, sir! That's the madhouse."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

It is said that Mohandas Ghandi was asked, "What is your opinion of American civilization?"

His reply: "I think it would be an excellent idea."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

An American was telling one of his favorite jokes to a group of friends. "Hell is a place where the cooks are British, the waiters are French, the policemen are Germans, and the trains are run by Italians."

The lone European in the group pondered all this for a second and responded, "I can't say about the police and the trains, but you're probably right about going out to eat. A restaurant in Hell would be one where the cooks are British and the waiters are French - and the customers are all Americans."
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Postby Winston » Tue May 06, 2014 2:58 pm

Here's another good one. LOL

http://comedyfunnyjokes.com/category/am ... kes/page/4

Average Iraqi: Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation.
Average American: Willing to participate in People’s Choice Awards.

Average Iraqi: Lines up by the thousands to die for country.
Average American: Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty.

Average Iraqi: Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo by West.
Average American: Shoves McDonalds’ cashier if their Happy Meal doesn’t include McCookies.

Average Iraqi: Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest.
Average American: Has beer-guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip.

----------------------------------------------------------

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. One day he Decided that he would love to plant potatoes and herbs in his garden, but he knew he was alone and too old and weak. His son was in college in Paris, so the old man sent him an e-mail explaining the problem:

“Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can’t plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, that you would help me and dig up the garden for me. I love you, your father.â€￾

The following day, the old man received a response e-mail from his son:
“Beloved father, please don’t touch the garden. That is where I have hidden ‘the THING.’ I love you, too, Ahmed.â€￾

At 4pm the FBI and the Rangers visited the house of the old man and took the whole garden apart, searching every inch. But they couldn???t find anything. Disappointed, they left the house.

The next day, the old man received another e-mail from his son:
“Beloved father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That is all I could do for you from here. Your loving son, Ahmed.â€￾
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Postby Winston » Tue May 06, 2014 3:30 pm

These are great! Hahaha

http://hateusa.narod.ru/jokeusa.htm

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but they refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

----------------------------------------------------

Americans (uh-mar'-i-kun) noun 1 Persons so socially maladjusted that they would leave, or be forcibly exiled from, their homeland and family to travel across vast oceans to the uncivilized frontiers of a distant continent. 2 Persons descended from one or more persons defined in 1 and commonly retainng the characteristics thereof.

----------------------------------------------------

What do you call a person who professionally generates maps of the world?
A cartographer.

What do you call an academician who studies the global distribution of resources or cultural characteristics?
A geographer.

What do you call a person who is ignorant of global geography?
An American.

----------------------------------------------------

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of bears and eagles, beautifully sparkling lakes bountiful with trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so that the inhabitants will prosper. I shall call these inhabitants "Canadians", and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God. "Just wait and see the neighbors I'm going to give them.

----------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between Americans and the engines of the jets on which they travel abroad?

After they land, the engines of the jets quit whining.

----------------------------------------------------

If God really bless USA - I would be an Atheist.
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