Happier Abroad Forum Community

Hola mis amigos

Now, in Winston's FAQ section there's an important point covered about why people don't take action and pursue that wonderful new life abroad; the 'comfort trap'. This is what I want to talk about today.

I think it all boils down to four factors;

• Perceived benefits of being where you're at; what you like and fear losing

• Cons of being where you're at; things that are making you miserable where you are (that this site is about, no further mentioning)

• Benefits of change; what might be the outcomes of our efforts, the new life, better social life

• Cons of change; the fears, reservations, and sacrifices we might have to make

Ambivalence
Even if we're in a situation that's making us miserable we may stay in it even if we're aware that change will have benefits. At the same time, we may also perceive there to be some benefits of being where we are and some costs and concerns to change.

Comfort trap
Sometimes, we can lose track of why we need to make the changes we need to make. We can lose track of a) What we can't stand and b) our dreams and what we'd like to be different. The 'comfort trap' unlike ambivalence is where we may end up in a situation where we're content, but not happy, BUT do not have the motivation to make changes because we've lost touch with what we want or cannot stand. We can easily fall into the trap of distraction; getting lost in activities that keep us comfortable enough but take our attention away from what we need to be focused on. A good strategy to break the comfort trap can be to remind yourself of what you can't stand about your circumstances, what you won't miss what you're sick and tired of.

Goals & discussion to help people get there
This site is about expanding your social horizons ultimately isn't it? It's about expanding them internationally and intercontinentally.

Now, regarding the fears of making changes, this is probably the biggest roadblock for a lot of people. The 'cons' of making changes. Fears that stop people making that wonderful move I don't see talked about nearly enough and feel that they should be.

I rarely see any threads discussion what I think is a very important topic.

I believe people who don't do anything are not necessarily losers, they're either in a comfort trap, ambivalent or both. When I traveled around Europe I was motivated mostly by the CARROT of going abroad, not by the STICK (which came from naysayers).

Observation about ambivalence
When you're lonely and isolated, I notice that the FEARS you have about making changes GET STRONGER. I noticed Winston made a point about this in his article about Bellingham.

Anyway, I hope this serves as good food for thought. I was originally researching into stopping drinking, and found that a lot of the deeper motivational factors & general principles could be equally applicable to other changes and many other areas of life.

There are also guys with disabilities (Spina bifita, down's syndrome, autism, epilepsy, muscular dystrophe, cerebral palsy, and such) who can not work a lot, some can't work at all, and if they leave the United States, they lose all of their benefits. And countries like Mexico, the Philippines, Thailand, Brazil, and such, they don't have Social Security disability or pensions for people who can't work. Even countries that do have benefits for people with disabilities, they aren't going to put them on their benefit system if they immigrate there even legally.

The reason I do not care to go abroad is because most all the others countries have been disarmed by the people running this counterfeiting opration, yes it appears America truly is a thorne in their side as it was over 200 years ago......

I don't own any guns but it is obvious for anybody with half a brain why the anti- federalist demanded the people be armed in the Bill of Rights......

Most people don't go abroad because they have solid support networks at home, where I am from for example - most people have their grandparents, parents, cousins, siblings, pals they went to school with all living on the same estate - it would be a big big pull to leave all that and go and live in a foreign country - most of the time, they can find a partner amongst their many social networks.

For first gen types like me, Winston, Zboy etc - where your immediate family is in another country anyway, it isn't a big deal to up sticks and move abroad because your immediate family is thousands a miles anyway and it isn't strange to know that your 'nearest and dearest' aren't living down the street. I have always wanted to move abroad ever since I was a young kid, stuck in my dreary, grey hometown in England - and now I am thousands of miles away from there - I don't miss it one bit.

For someone 'normal' who has two parents born in the locality, has a massive support network, went to school and had loads of friends - they would probably think leaving their locale would be the ultimate of madness, many people tell me how 'lucky' I am but they could never do it because of the wife, or the job, or the pet cat or whatever bullshite excuse they come out with but the reality is they are giving up a lot to be able to do it compared to me. To me, leaving my locale wasn't a big sacrifice - I used to think others who couldn't do it or wouldn't do it but wanted to were cowardly and gutless but I have never had their support network so I have changed my mind on this.

I am a child of a first generation immigrant - it never dawned on me that people really have solid roots to where they live that go back generations and that leaving them would be really hard. It was never hard for me and I doubt Winston found leaving Palo Alto or wherever he is from 'hard' either - he would have found it really easy I bet.

There is no religious obligation for every man in the US to go abroad. If someone wants to go abroad, fine. If not, that's fine, too.

But moving abroad is a big deal for a lot of Americans. Americans have heard that the US is the greatest country in the world. I remember when I was a kid, my mom told me the US was the richest country and a lot of other countries were poor. Wow. I did not know that. I guess it was true, though it depends on how you define wealth. Around 1980, that might have been true. Still, there are plenty of other rich, developed countries. A lot of people think other countries are stinkholes and don't want to go there.

Then you have the issue of finances. Most American men, if they aren't working, don't have the money to afford international trips. If they are working, they are usually too busy. It isn't easy to get jobs overseas in most fields. It may not be too hard to find a job as an ESL teacher overseas, but not everyone wants to do that. If you want to take a vacation, it is cheaper and easier to take a trip 100 miles away than to fly far away overseas.

If an individual has no ties and can create a steady income when living overseas I see no reason to why they shouldn't take the plunge. For everyone else, it's kinda different. Plenty of expats struggle or become destitute by making the hasty decision to move abroad, so it shouldn't be taken lightly.

It's also wise to first visit the country you intend of living in because you might actually hate it once you get there.

I assume we're talking about moving abroad to start a new life, not just taking a sojourn.

To many people, moving to another country sounds monumentally difficult. It might be easy to fantasize about it while watching videos and reading about the country, but most people wouldn't know where to start. How do they get a job overseas? How do they navigate that difficult visa process? What about moving their money there, not to mention trusting that it will be safe? If they don't speak the language (or know its writing system), that's another hurdle.

It often comes down to inertia. When your life is moving in a certain direction, it's difficult to stop and redirect that movement. Unless you have an employer or school handling the details for you and guiding you through the process, just figuring out the process can be overwhelming.

I went overseas because the military sent me there. I went again because an employer took care of it. Having that experience under my belt, I'm now confident that I could transition to another country on my own. But as I think about trying to do those first moves on my own, I doubt they would have happened.

MrMan wrote: ↑

December 4th, 2018, 6:52 pm

Americans have heard that the US is the greatest country in the world.

I heard a lot of that. "But you live in the greatest country in the world." Worse, "Everybody in the world wants to be here."

Because most Americans are lazy f***s. It takes initiative and effort and money to go abroad.

People also don't go overseas because they are told that every single country outside the United States is a totalitarian Nazi dictatorship. And that in every other country, saying that the Government has done something wrong is grounds for immediate public execution of the person and three generations of extended family, like the entire world outside America is all North Korea.

They also don't go overseas because, sadly, they are bombarded constantly that 1, women by nature are toxic, unapproachable, and spoiled gold diggers, and that it is natural that getting into a relationship is like catching a wild rabbit with your bare hands in a wooded area, and 2, a man who wants to go out with a woman is required to have a loud, fast, expensive souped up luxury sports car, a luxury McMansion in a gated community, in other words, a guy who wants a relationship with a woman better even take her on a luxury world cruise even next week. And I am sure many Americans tell guys that, if he wants a girlfriend, he needs to give her endless, non-stop luxury.

These are some statements I've heard:
1. If you can't get a woman here, you can't get one anywhere.
2. The USA is the greatest/best/richest country in the world.
3. They only want you for your greencard / because you're American.
4. They will take your money and give it to their real boyfriend and only use you.
5. They will just lure you in and then rob you.
6. That's because they're easy.
7. If you really want a latina, all you have to do is go downtown.

Even American parents these days won't let a man near their grown daughter unless he has a luxury sports car, lives in a gated community, and has a zero tolerance policy towards other guys approaching less than 30 feet of them.

I am also sure Americans are brainwashed to believe that the worldwide divorce rate is 99.9 percent and has never dropped below even 98 percent since the Fall of Man. As if even Adam and Eve divorced after having Seth, and as if even Noah's family was plagued with divorce since even before the Great Flood of Genesis.

AkitaMan wrote: ↑

December 5th, 2018, 3:22 pm

I assume we're talking about moving abroad to start a new life, not just taking a sojourn.

To many people, moving to another country sounds monumentally difficult. It might be easy to fantasize about it while watching videos and reading about the country, but most people wouldn't know where to start. How do they get a job overseas? How do they navigate that difficult visa process? What about moving their money there, not to mention trusting that it will be safe? If they don't speak the language (or know its writing system), that's another hurdle.

It often comes down to inertia. When your life is moving in a certain direction, it's difficult to stop and redirect that movement. Unless you have an employer or school handling the details for you and guiding you through the process, just figuring out the process can be overwhelming.

I went overseas because the military sent me there. I went again because an employer took care of it. Having that experience under my belt, I'm now confident that I could transition to another country on my own. But as I think about trying to do those first moves on my own, I doubt they would have happened.

Unless you have a lot of time and/or money, it would be hard to get started. I went overseas first after I found a job teaching English overseas. That's an easy way to do it for a young college graduate, or it was. I haven't been in that field for a while. I had another job overseas a couple of years ago, and the employer took care of everything, but was waaaaaayyy late on getting me the proper visa paperwork. Even if you have an employer working on it, things don't always work out right.

CannedHam wrote: ↑

December 5th, 2018, 4:22 pm

Because most Americans are lazy f***s. It takes initiative and effort and money to go abroad.

You think that's only Americans? I think that's pretty much all of the developed world. People don't really have a reason to go abroad. On a grand scale, that is.

Guevara wrote: ↑

December 8th, 2018, 2:56 am

CannedHam wrote: ↑

December 5th, 2018, 4:22 pm

Because most Americans are lazy f***s. It takes initiative and effort and money to go abroad.

You think that's only Americans? I think that's pretty much all of the developed world. People don't really have a reason to go abroad. On a grand scale, that is.

I think most American men are, to be blunt, lazy unmotivated slobs operating on cruise control. I actually give some credit to European men for being more open about traveling.

One example: my business partner's brother is 31 years old, shares a crappy roach-infested 2 bedroom apartment with another unmotivated glue-sniffer, works at Chipotle, and spends almost all of his disposable income on Magic the Gathering. I talked to him a few years back and it was a non-stop bitchfest about his lack of money, girls ignoring him, etc. One of the most unpleasant people I have ever spoken to. I suggested he go back to school for nursing (his reply: ick... too gross!), go into IT (his reply: too complicated), go into a trade (his reply: can't stand manual labor) and about 7 other ideas including high-school teaching, working for usps/ups/fedex, etc. and it was just a non-stop barf stream of negativity from him. I even suggested he go and teach English abroad for a year or two in order to get out of the autopilot 'rut' he was in (his reply: too difficult to live in another country...)

You really expect this type of guy to take the time and money to research plan a trip, divert valuable cash away from his Magic the Gathering collection, when he could be playing Magic the Gathering?

When I went to my high school reunion a while back. I was one of a handful of guys who had left to live in another state!!