How I Lost My Christian Faith in 1992 - Sad Story but Perhaps Blessing in Disguise?
Posted: September 30th, 2021, 12:26 pm
If anyone is interested, here is the story of how I deconverted from Christianity back in 1992. I wrote a story about it long ago here: https://www.debunkingskeptics.com/Christian_Story.htm. However there were some parts I didn't include, because they were kind of sad and pathetic. I'll include them now below.
Back in 1992, after taking a year off from high school to go to Taiwan and teach English and recover from my OCD and bullying/persecution at school, I returned to Fremont, CA and went to a different high school so I could have a fresh start and less homework load. It was a nicer school without any bullying since the teens there were lower class compared to the the upper middle class high school I went to before, which was far meaner. So it was more peaceful than my previous high school, but it was very lonely too since no social cliques invited me in so I had no clique or friends. So rather than look alone, I went to the library during lunch time or to some club meetings. I tried to revitalize my Christian faith and went to a Christian club on campus and tried to convert people too, which I felt was my duty, including teachers, which felt awkward, but in my mind, their eternal destiny was at stake, so I didn't care about the awkwardness.
The breaking point came one day when I sat next to this cute Cantonese girl in computer class. She was the only girl I had to talk to, since I was friendless at this school. So she was my only company and solace. Halfway through the year, the teacher suddenly changed everyone's seating for no reason at all. So I couldn't even talk to her anymore. I tried to get the teacher to reverse it but she refused. I prayed to God to reverse it but he did nothing, unlike a few years prior when such prayers were usually answered. I was shocked. Being friendless and lonely, even my sole companion during class was taken away from me. How could God be that cruel, I thought. If he's so cruel, that he would allow my only social companion here to be taken away, leaving me nothing at all, then he must be a really mean bastard, I thought. So I decided I had it. I was very mad and furious. My blood boiled every time I thought about it. Out of anger and revenge, I ignored God and stopped praying, to give him the silent treatment for allowing this to happen. It was all I could do to vent my frustration. So in a sense I decided to "break up" with God for what he had allowed to happen. Many Christians have done this I heard.
To make things worse, near the end of the school year, I confronted that Cantonese girl and told her how I felt about her. She got creeped out. When I found her phone number in the phone book and called, she got mad and told me never to call her again. I felt hurt.
The thing is, in my mind I was taking a break from God and my Christian faith. I expected to return to it later. However, I didn't, for the following reasons:
1. The more I learned about Christianity and the Bible during my break from it, the more I began to see that it wasn't true after all and that I was brainwashed. During my break I was able to examine it all from a freethinking mindset.
2. During my break, I felt freer and enjoyed the intellectual freedom I had where I could read any book about astrology or ESP and not feel guilty about violating my Christian faith, since I was told those things were Satanic or demonic. I didn't want to lose that freedom. But I was still in fear of God, hell, and damnation, which was ingrained within me. So I had to slowly learn more and more about the Bible and its errors and fallacies in order to have the courage to not be afraid anymore. My motto was "knowledge is power" so the more I learned, the less afraid I was of the God of the Bible.
3. When I graduated from the last year of high school, I was no longer in an oppressive persecutory environment like high school. The junior college I went to was very lax and the homework was lax and no one bothered you or judged you. People pretty much minded their own business. So I no longer needed Christianity as a crutch to hang onto to save me from a hellish and toxic environment and from descending into madness and chaos. I was an adult now and no longer had to go to school, except for the junior college I went to, which was a much more positive and lax environment without pressure. Since I no longer needed a crutch like Christianity anymore. As such, I could examine Christianity more objectively.
4. I could not reconcile certain things that were too terrible to accept. For example, with the Christian doctrine that my parents and relatives were all going to hell to suffer for all eternity, even though they are good and kind people, simply because they didn't "accept Christ as their savior" and preferred Buddhism instead. It was very hard to accept this literally, but the Evangelical Christians I was aligned with were serious about this. It wasn't a joke or metaphor. They literally believed that and that it was God's law, which must be true since God is the boss. I could not accept this of course and grappled with it for a long time. It was too horrible beyond words to truly accept. Imagining my loved ones in hell suffering over and over again without end for all eternity was too terrible to imagine. I could not believe that a God could do that to anyone, especially good and kind people. Probably most if not all Christians grapple with this to some extent, I'd imagine.
So subconsciously, I began fishing for reasons not to believe it. I began reading anti-Christian books to find good arguments to make me feel confident that my Christian beliefs were not true after all. I began looking for excuses that Christianity wasn't true. It was the only way I could resolve this terrible dilemma that I could not accept. It felt dangerous though, because I knew that what I was doing was blasphemous and if I was wrong, I could invite damnation and judgment from God. But being a truth seeker, I had to find out the truth, so I began researching everything on both sides. It was a slow process to lose my fear of Christianity. But eventually I did find what I was looking for. I found many good strong logical arguments why the tenets of the Christian gospel and its doctrines weren't true. When I was a Christian I never knew they existed, but they did, which I found out as I gained the courage to find more and more of them. The many arguments I found that slowly liberated me from Christianity are documented in my Debunking Christians treatise here: https://www.debunkingskeptics.com/Debun ... ntents.htm
The final breaking point came when I was on the plane to Florida for a family vacation. During the flight as I was looking out the night window, I suddenly realized that Christianity could not be true as I was taught, so I no longer feared it. It hit me like a light bulb and sense of enlightenment and awakening. I felt totally confident that I was right so I no longer felt anymore fear for thinking blasphemous thoughts. I was finally liberated from fear of Christianity at last. It felt so good, like a huge burden was lifted off me. (which is ironic since many Christian converts say that when they accepted Jesus they felt a huge burden lifted off them, which is the reverse of my experience). I felt so relieved, like my mind and soul were finally released from prison.
Several months later, a Chinese American guy that introduced me to a Chinese American church in my area, called me to ask why I wasn't attending that church anymore. I didn't have the guts yet to tell him that I no longer believed in the Christian faith, so I lazily told him that I just wasn't feeling good and didn't feel like going. I didn't know what else to say. Also I didn't want to offend him or make him think that he should try to convert me back to the faith, if he knew that I had "backslid". Better to say nothing, I thought. It was kind of awkward, especially since the year before I was fervent in my faith.
So that's how it happened.
Come to think of it, perhaps it was a blessing in disguise. Perhaps the universe wanted me to break out of being a religious fundamentalist, and so arranged all these bad circumstances to shake me out of it? Maybe it was time for me to evolve in my spiritual path, so I had to transcend my dogmatic Christian beliefs and go to higher truths? After all, it's a fallacy to assume that God wants everyone to be a Christian and remain one, just because YOU believe that your God is the only God, and that God only has one singular face and message, when clearly the infinite plurality and variety we see in creation shows that God must also be one of infinite plurality and variety too, since creation is a reflection of the creator. So on basic logic alone, Christianity cannot be the only way to the divine, or the only message of God, as if God was so narrow minded to have only one face and one message and one holy text, which is inconsistent with what we see in creation and with the infinite variety of life on Earth.
So I began going toward New Age spirituality, which fit me far better since it was more electic, inclusive, open minded, and allowed for free and open exploration of consciousness and spirituality, including the occult, which Christianity condemns. The New Age stuff I learned definitely made more sense and gave me more intellectual freedom than Christianity ever did. So I loved it and felt it was the right path and the start of a wonderful new beginning. Like in the end scene of the movie "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" when the words read "The adventure is just beginning", the same motto fit how I felt about my new path, which made me feel much happier and freer than the highly restrictive, narrow, and judgmental Christian faith I had before.
Since then I've learned a lot about different religions, spiritual beliefs, metaphysics, occult, philosophy, esoteric knowledge of mystery schools, alternate theories like ancient aliens, etc. A whole plethora of stuff. Everything I've learned has assured me that I went the right path and that Christianity was NOT the only way to God and was not literally true either. So I see no reason to go back to that, even though I occasionally meet Christians and missionaries during my travels who try to get me to return to my former faith. (and some Christians on my forum too) There simply is no reason to, especially since I've learned so much since 1992 that has convinced me that Christianity and the Bible are only metaphorically true at best, not literally, for many reasons which I've written about in my essays, articles, and books, all of which are free to read online. See here: https://www.debunkingskeptics.com/Articles.htm
Thanks for reading. What do you all think? Feel free to post any comments below. But please keep them civil please. No trolling or flaming or bashing please.
Back in 1992, after taking a year off from high school to go to Taiwan and teach English and recover from my OCD and bullying/persecution at school, I returned to Fremont, CA and went to a different high school so I could have a fresh start and less homework load. It was a nicer school without any bullying since the teens there were lower class compared to the the upper middle class high school I went to before, which was far meaner. So it was more peaceful than my previous high school, but it was very lonely too since no social cliques invited me in so I had no clique or friends. So rather than look alone, I went to the library during lunch time or to some club meetings. I tried to revitalize my Christian faith and went to a Christian club on campus and tried to convert people too, which I felt was my duty, including teachers, which felt awkward, but in my mind, their eternal destiny was at stake, so I didn't care about the awkwardness.
The breaking point came one day when I sat next to this cute Cantonese girl in computer class. She was the only girl I had to talk to, since I was friendless at this school. So she was my only company and solace. Halfway through the year, the teacher suddenly changed everyone's seating for no reason at all. So I couldn't even talk to her anymore. I tried to get the teacher to reverse it but she refused. I prayed to God to reverse it but he did nothing, unlike a few years prior when such prayers were usually answered. I was shocked. Being friendless and lonely, even my sole companion during class was taken away from me. How could God be that cruel, I thought. If he's so cruel, that he would allow my only social companion here to be taken away, leaving me nothing at all, then he must be a really mean bastard, I thought. So I decided I had it. I was very mad and furious. My blood boiled every time I thought about it. Out of anger and revenge, I ignored God and stopped praying, to give him the silent treatment for allowing this to happen. It was all I could do to vent my frustration. So in a sense I decided to "break up" with God for what he had allowed to happen. Many Christians have done this I heard.
To make things worse, near the end of the school year, I confronted that Cantonese girl and told her how I felt about her. She got creeped out. When I found her phone number in the phone book and called, she got mad and told me never to call her again. I felt hurt.
The thing is, in my mind I was taking a break from God and my Christian faith. I expected to return to it later. However, I didn't, for the following reasons:
1. The more I learned about Christianity and the Bible during my break from it, the more I began to see that it wasn't true after all and that I was brainwashed. During my break I was able to examine it all from a freethinking mindset.
2. During my break, I felt freer and enjoyed the intellectual freedom I had where I could read any book about astrology or ESP and not feel guilty about violating my Christian faith, since I was told those things were Satanic or demonic. I didn't want to lose that freedom. But I was still in fear of God, hell, and damnation, which was ingrained within me. So I had to slowly learn more and more about the Bible and its errors and fallacies in order to have the courage to not be afraid anymore. My motto was "knowledge is power" so the more I learned, the less afraid I was of the God of the Bible.
3. When I graduated from the last year of high school, I was no longer in an oppressive persecutory environment like high school. The junior college I went to was very lax and the homework was lax and no one bothered you or judged you. People pretty much minded their own business. So I no longer needed Christianity as a crutch to hang onto to save me from a hellish and toxic environment and from descending into madness and chaos. I was an adult now and no longer had to go to school, except for the junior college I went to, which was a much more positive and lax environment without pressure. Since I no longer needed a crutch like Christianity anymore. As such, I could examine Christianity more objectively.
4. I could not reconcile certain things that were too terrible to accept. For example, with the Christian doctrine that my parents and relatives were all going to hell to suffer for all eternity, even though they are good and kind people, simply because they didn't "accept Christ as their savior" and preferred Buddhism instead. It was very hard to accept this literally, but the Evangelical Christians I was aligned with were serious about this. It wasn't a joke or metaphor. They literally believed that and that it was God's law, which must be true since God is the boss. I could not accept this of course and grappled with it for a long time. It was too horrible beyond words to truly accept. Imagining my loved ones in hell suffering over and over again without end for all eternity was too terrible to imagine. I could not believe that a God could do that to anyone, especially good and kind people. Probably most if not all Christians grapple with this to some extent, I'd imagine.
So subconsciously, I began fishing for reasons not to believe it. I began reading anti-Christian books to find good arguments to make me feel confident that my Christian beliefs were not true after all. I began looking for excuses that Christianity wasn't true. It was the only way I could resolve this terrible dilemma that I could not accept. It felt dangerous though, because I knew that what I was doing was blasphemous and if I was wrong, I could invite damnation and judgment from God. But being a truth seeker, I had to find out the truth, so I began researching everything on both sides. It was a slow process to lose my fear of Christianity. But eventually I did find what I was looking for. I found many good strong logical arguments why the tenets of the Christian gospel and its doctrines weren't true. When I was a Christian I never knew they existed, but they did, which I found out as I gained the courage to find more and more of them. The many arguments I found that slowly liberated me from Christianity are documented in my Debunking Christians treatise here: https://www.debunkingskeptics.com/Debun ... ntents.htm
The final breaking point came when I was on the plane to Florida for a family vacation. During the flight as I was looking out the night window, I suddenly realized that Christianity could not be true as I was taught, so I no longer feared it. It hit me like a light bulb and sense of enlightenment and awakening. I felt totally confident that I was right so I no longer felt anymore fear for thinking blasphemous thoughts. I was finally liberated from fear of Christianity at last. It felt so good, like a huge burden was lifted off me. (which is ironic since many Christian converts say that when they accepted Jesus they felt a huge burden lifted off them, which is the reverse of my experience). I felt so relieved, like my mind and soul were finally released from prison.
Several months later, a Chinese American guy that introduced me to a Chinese American church in my area, called me to ask why I wasn't attending that church anymore. I didn't have the guts yet to tell him that I no longer believed in the Christian faith, so I lazily told him that I just wasn't feeling good and didn't feel like going. I didn't know what else to say. Also I didn't want to offend him or make him think that he should try to convert me back to the faith, if he knew that I had "backslid". Better to say nothing, I thought. It was kind of awkward, especially since the year before I was fervent in my faith.
So that's how it happened.
Come to think of it, perhaps it was a blessing in disguise. Perhaps the universe wanted me to break out of being a religious fundamentalist, and so arranged all these bad circumstances to shake me out of it? Maybe it was time for me to evolve in my spiritual path, so I had to transcend my dogmatic Christian beliefs and go to higher truths? After all, it's a fallacy to assume that God wants everyone to be a Christian and remain one, just because YOU believe that your God is the only God, and that God only has one singular face and message, when clearly the infinite plurality and variety we see in creation shows that God must also be one of infinite plurality and variety too, since creation is a reflection of the creator. So on basic logic alone, Christianity cannot be the only way to the divine, or the only message of God, as if God was so narrow minded to have only one face and one message and one holy text, which is inconsistent with what we see in creation and with the infinite variety of life on Earth.
So I began going toward New Age spirituality, which fit me far better since it was more electic, inclusive, open minded, and allowed for free and open exploration of consciousness and spirituality, including the occult, which Christianity condemns. The New Age stuff I learned definitely made more sense and gave me more intellectual freedom than Christianity ever did. So I loved it and felt it was the right path and the start of a wonderful new beginning. Like in the end scene of the movie "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" when the words read "The adventure is just beginning", the same motto fit how I felt about my new path, which made me feel much happier and freer than the highly restrictive, narrow, and judgmental Christian faith I had before.
Since then I've learned a lot about different religions, spiritual beliefs, metaphysics, occult, philosophy, esoteric knowledge of mystery schools, alternate theories like ancient aliens, etc. A whole plethora of stuff. Everything I've learned has assured me that I went the right path and that Christianity was NOT the only way to God and was not literally true either. So I see no reason to go back to that, even though I occasionally meet Christians and missionaries during my travels who try to get me to return to my former faith. (and some Christians on my forum too) There simply is no reason to, especially since I've learned so much since 1992 that has convinced me that Christianity and the Bible are only metaphorically true at best, not literally, for many reasons which I've written about in my essays, articles, and books, all of which are free to read online. See here: https://www.debunkingskeptics.com/Articles.htm
Thanks for reading. What do you all think? Feel free to post any comments below. But please keep them civil please. No trolling or flaming or bashing please.