Miserable in Las Vegas.
Posted: February 20th, 2011, 4:24 am
I'm 29, a reasonably attractive, healthy white male, 5'10".
I grew up in Arizona, and moved to Las Vegas in 2005. I had a Christian upbringing, and two great, happy, loving parents who were married 33 years (before my mom passed).
I grew up homeschooled and was shy to the point of it being debilitatingly so. It's taken 29 years to gain some semblance of normalcy in the real world, where I can reasonably function. While I think public schools are crap, some form of socialization as a child is important, and I barely got it. Barely.
I've shared two decades-long friendships, that without, I would have completely lost my mind by now. Sadly, my friends live in other states and I don't see them often. I've found gaining true friends is hard, but I've found the biggest problem is that *I* rarely meet people *I* want to get to know (this being Vegas, it's harder).
The two relationships I've had (in my whole life) started here in Vegas. Both were, really, disasters, though I suppose the first one I shared some genuine feelings... at first. In retrospect, I place the central failure of the relationships upon the character flaws of the women I was with.
Let me repeat that: I place the blame for the failure of both relationships squarely on the character flaws and problems both women possessed.
That might sound narcissistic, but I'd always point out (at least to myself), that my girlfriends' only problems with me were the problems I had with them.
The first was a single mother, with raven black hair and pale, white skin. I thought she was beautiful. She was unique, wildly opinionated, but somewhat emasculating -- loud, didn't listen well, pummelled her opinions in your face, was never wrong. It was a rollercoaster -- some of it amusing, exciting, but not healthy. I spent the relationship feeling completely bulldozed by a histrionic drama queen. I cared about her, for a time I believed I loved her, but I always kept thinking, "This isn't how I imagined it." I told her she had things she needed to work on, she hated hearing it, but to her credit she did buy some books on relationships (that didn't seem to help). She made me feel as though I was stupid and wrong to try to "change" her, even though the things I was trying to change were BAD QUALITIES. I remember being in bed with her one night, terrified, "Oh god, what if I end up with this girl. It will be a nightmare." She was always pushing to get married, and when after a year I refused, saying it was too soon, she left town.
The next was an educated girl from San Francisco who worked in a law office -- cute, quirky, culturally aware, and sort of Jewish/observational in a way I really liked, like a character out of a Woody Allen movie. I wanted to be with someone I could make jokes about everything with, and she, to extent, had that potential. She was *interesting*, just like my pervious girlfriend, as I'm often completely BORED by most girls.
But the character issues were always a central problem. She had cheated on her ex, she had had a homosexual relationship that seemed so unbelievably shallow and stupid, she wanted to be a LAWYER and had a certain career-minded drive I found a bit off-putting (I'm not saying this, per se, is a character flaw), but ultimately the biggest issue was that over time I began to see her as exceedingly superficial emotionally. A person who could be so easily woo'ed and impressed by money and power. Sometimes she would drift into this Valley Girl California way of talking, saying "like" every word, after spending time with someone who talked the same way. Just like that, her personality would change. She would always talk about how she wanted to have a baby, but in the same sentence say she'd need someone to take care of her NEWBORN -- yes, newborn -- while she commuted to California for classes. I would think, "What the f**k?" I never felt any love from her, more like some initial infatuation, which eventually devolved into some awful fights and verbal exchanges I'd never want to re-live. I honestly didn't think the girl was capable of love, not for me, and I had seriously doubts about how she would raise children. "Unstable" was the word I'd always associate with her.
Aside from that, I've dated a bit here, more in the past. I've always believed a connection leads to sex, not the other way around, so I'm not an aggressive male. Lately I just don't try. I'm worn out. I think the BULLSHIT in American relationships eventually wears people down, wears 'em out. It's worn me out.
I NEVER imagined my life would end up like this. I never imagined I'd meet so few girls I'd have ANY connection with, and the ones I did have connections with would be marginally insane to begin with. I sure as hell never imagined I'd live in this hellhole.
My parents, coming from another generation, represented ANOTHER UNIVERSE in terms of how they conducted themselves as people, and as people in a relationship with each other. So that was the model I was raised on, and I go out into the real world -- after a sheltered upbriging -- and the real world is shocking. It's just sad. It's a mess. And I'm kind of a mess, because I don't have any footing. I'm here, in Vegas, what am I doing here? I hate it here. Yet, I don't move. I stay for a job. I'm kind of broken. Lonely. It gets to me.
I looked into PUA, found it interesting, but I've concluded, like many others here, it's not the answer. I don't even want to be That Guy, some dude rattling off pre-packaged crap. I'd rather develop my own personality, but I've found my personality has a lot to do with feeling good inside, feeling some sense of hope, and after being here for years, suffering from addiction that has nearly destroyed me, bad relationships, and realizing I'm somewhat stuck in my career choice, it's hard to wake up the next day feeling bright and sunny and go out there and win the world over. It's hard to maintain. It's pretty damn rare these days I'm even in a good mood.
I've tried dating on Okcupid, and it seemed last year I got a date or two, but lately... nothing. Zilch. I've been told that my profile is a bit harsh-sounding and angry, but I barely get any hits anyway. I get the feeling there's really no intellectual pulse out there. My previous girlfriends, albeit nuts, at least had SOMETHING TO SAY. I find girls, despite the stereotype that they "never stop talking", may make a lot of noise, but rarely say anything. I'm just plain bored.
I don't get the feeling women here are interested in men in a reasonable way. It's either some asshole whho's been in and out of their lives and fathered their kids, or some douchebag, or that's...it. You don't see flirtation. You don't see people connecting
In conclusion, there is DEFINITELY a cultural problem here in the US. No question. It's funny, someone posted something about Toronto, and I got that impression from something I had seen on TV about it. Similar to San Francisco. These places are cultural death-zones of complete morons. I've also heard that in Omaha, Nebraska, girls are open and nice, and they'll use the "love" word after a month of dating. So who knows? (Of course, that presupposes that using the "L" word after a month is a GOOD THING, and I'm not saying that, but it would be a nice change after years of this crap). I think we're victims of our environment to a very large extent, and yes, MOST of America really does share the same problems. It's not much better in Arizona, I know that. A little, but not much. I've considered Utah, maybe it's better there? Who knows.
The biggest, overriding, shockingly depressing facet of my life thus far is the LACK OF CONNECTION, real connection, with other people. Meaningful, emotional connection. Am I the problem? Maybe to extent. I don't reach out. I'm stubborn. But I don't see a lot I want to reach out to, either. It's scary. I hate it. I've always hated it. I've always known this False Culture wasn't for me.
Also, kudos to Winston, without him, we wouldn't have anywhere to go. There are other sites about expatriating, but they're, as has been mentioned before, somewhat shallow. This isn't.
I also really envy the men who have moved and live abroad. To me, that's a hell of an accomplishment, something I see as out of reach... but maybe not as out of reach as I think.
-- Justin
I grew up in Arizona, and moved to Las Vegas in 2005. I had a Christian upbringing, and two great, happy, loving parents who were married 33 years (before my mom passed).
I grew up homeschooled and was shy to the point of it being debilitatingly so. It's taken 29 years to gain some semblance of normalcy in the real world, where I can reasonably function. While I think public schools are crap, some form of socialization as a child is important, and I barely got it. Barely.
I've shared two decades-long friendships, that without, I would have completely lost my mind by now. Sadly, my friends live in other states and I don't see them often. I've found gaining true friends is hard, but I've found the biggest problem is that *I* rarely meet people *I* want to get to know (this being Vegas, it's harder).
The two relationships I've had (in my whole life) started here in Vegas. Both were, really, disasters, though I suppose the first one I shared some genuine feelings... at first. In retrospect, I place the central failure of the relationships upon the character flaws of the women I was with.
Let me repeat that: I place the blame for the failure of both relationships squarely on the character flaws and problems both women possessed.
That might sound narcissistic, but I'd always point out (at least to myself), that my girlfriends' only problems with me were the problems I had with them.
The first was a single mother, with raven black hair and pale, white skin. I thought she was beautiful. She was unique, wildly opinionated, but somewhat emasculating -- loud, didn't listen well, pummelled her opinions in your face, was never wrong. It was a rollercoaster -- some of it amusing, exciting, but not healthy. I spent the relationship feeling completely bulldozed by a histrionic drama queen. I cared about her, for a time I believed I loved her, but I always kept thinking, "This isn't how I imagined it." I told her she had things she needed to work on, she hated hearing it, but to her credit she did buy some books on relationships (that didn't seem to help). She made me feel as though I was stupid and wrong to try to "change" her, even though the things I was trying to change were BAD QUALITIES. I remember being in bed with her one night, terrified, "Oh god, what if I end up with this girl. It will be a nightmare." She was always pushing to get married, and when after a year I refused, saying it was too soon, she left town.
The next was an educated girl from San Francisco who worked in a law office -- cute, quirky, culturally aware, and sort of Jewish/observational in a way I really liked, like a character out of a Woody Allen movie. I wanted to be with someone I could make jokes about everything with, and she, to extent, had that potential. She was *interesting*, just like my pervious girlfriend, as I'm often completely BORED by most girls.
But the character issues were always a central problem. She had cheated on her ex, she had had a homosexual relationship that seemed so unbelievably shallow and stupid, she wanted to be a LAWYER and had a certain career-minded drive I found a bit off-putting (I'm not saying this, per se, is a character flaw), but ultimately the biggest issue was that over time I began to see her as exceedingly superficial emotionally. A person who could be so easily woo'ed and impressed by money and power. Sometimes she would drift into this Valley Girl California way of talking, saying "like" every word, after spending time with someone who talked the same way. Just like that, her personality would change. She would always talk about how she wanted to have a baby, but in the same sentence say she'd need someone to take care of her NEWBORN -- yes, newborn -- while she commuted to California for classes. I would think, "What the f**k?" I never felt any love from her, more like some initial infatuation, which eventually devolved into some awful fights and verbal exchanges I'd never want to re-live. I honestly didn't think the girl was capable of love, not for me, and I had seriously doubts about how she would raise children. "Unstable" was the word I'd always associate with her.
Aside from that, I've dated a bit here, more in the past. I've always believed a connection leads to sex, not the other way around, so I'm not an aggressive male. Lately I just don't try. I'm worn out. I think the BULLSHIT in American relationships eventually wears people down, wears 'em out. It's worn me out.
I NEVER imagined my life would end up like this. I never imagined I'd meet so few girls I'd have ANY connection with, and the ones I did have connections with would be marginally insane to begin with. I sure as hell never imagined I'd live in this hellhole.
My parents, coming from another generation, represented ANOTHER UNIVERSE in terms of how they conducted themselves as people, and as people in a relationship with each other. So that was the model I was raised on, and I go out into the real world -- after a sheltered upbriging -- and the real world is shocking. It's just sad. It's a mess. And I'm kind of a mess, because I don't have any footing. I'm here, in Vegas, what am I doing here? I hate it here. Yet, I don't move. I stay for a job. I'm kind of broken. Lonely. It gets to me.
I looked into PUA, found it interesting, but I've concluded, like many others here, it's not the answer. I don't even want to be That Guy, some dude rattling off pre-packaged crap. I'd rather develop my own personality, but I've found my personality has a lot to do with feeling good inside, feeling some sense of hope, and after being here for years, suffering from addiction that has nearly destroyed me, bad relationships, and realizing I'm somewhat stuck in my career choice, it's hard to wake up the next day feeling bright and sunny and go out there and win the world over. It's hard to maintain. It's pretty damn rare these days I'm even in a good mood.
I've tried dating on Okcupid, and it seemed last year I got a date or two, but lately... nothing. Zilch. I've been told that my profile is a bit harsh-sounding and angry, but I barely get any hits anyway. I get the feeling there's really no intellectual pulse out there. My previous girlfriends, albeit nuts, at least had SOMETHING TO SAY. I find girls, despite the stereotype that they "never stop talking", may make a lot of noise, but rarely say anything. I'm just plain bored.
I don't get the feeling women here are interested in men in a reasonable way. It's either some asshole whho's been in and out of their lives and fathered their kids, or some douchebag, or that's...it. You don't see flirtation. You don't see people connecting
In conclusion, there is DEFINITELY a cultural problem here in the US. No question. It's funny, someone posted something about Toronto, and I got that impression from something I had seen on TV about it. Similar to San Francisco. These places are cultural death-zones of complete morons. I've also heard that in Omaha, Nebraska, girls are open and nice, and they'll use the "love" word after a month of dating. So who knows? (Of course, that presupposes that using the "L" word after a month is a GOOD THING, and I'm not saying that, but it would be a nice change after years of this crap). I think we're victims of our environment to a very large extent, and yes, MOST of America really does share the same problems. It's not much better in Arizona, I know that. A little, but not much. I've considered Utah, maybe it's better there? Who knows.
The biggest, overriding, shockingly depressing facet of my life thus far is the LACK OF CONNECTION, real connection, with other people. Meaningful, emotional connection. Am I the problem? Maybe to extent. I don't reach out. I'm stubborn. But I don't see a lot I want to reach out to, either. It's scary. I hate it. I've always hated it. I've always known this False Culture wasn't for me.
Also, kudos to Winston, without him, we wouldn't have anywhere to go. There are other sites about expatriating, but they're, as has been mentioned before, somewhat shallow. This isn't.
I also really envy the men who have moved and live abroad. To me, that's a hell of an accomplishment, something I see as out of reach... but maybe not as out of reach as I think.
-- Justin
