Why rates of loneliness are so high in English countries

[mattyman]

Throughout the years I've been following this forum, one of the things I admire is the open discussion on factors behind social disconnection and datelessness in English-speaking countries vs. abroad. Although I am an infrequent poster, I do like a lot of the issues that are talked about. Anyway, the main reasons we have such a loneliness problem are as follows;
[*]Meeting people is restricted to meeting people through your friends, associates and colleagues, this is by far the most natural way to meet women and get into relationships but;
[*]If you didn't get into a good clique at school, college or uni, opportunities are limited (though a lot of people say they get a social life through work and meet their partners directly and indirectly there-through)
[*]A lot of people are not lucky enough to have a job that gives them a social life with people their own age they can meet-up with socially (and meet people through)
[*]Even so (particularly in England, (though I've heard similar complaints about America and Canada), people go their own seperate ways after work and at lunch times. This is something that French and Spanish people have observed about the UK. This bizarre, anti-social keep yourself to yourself culture. I haven't done enough research to give answers as to why this is
[*]There is a lack of informal, extra-curricular activities (depending on whether you're in a city or a small town), socialising is far too restricted to bars and clubs (not everyone's cup of tea), the reason is simple, there is a dearth of avenues that have the same degree of convenience and accessibility
[*]There is an increasing lack of 'third places', where people can form 'nodding acquaintances' by seeing regulars; local shops, pubs (the traditional kind, not the quasi club), cafes etc. This is probably the number 1 reason why so many people increasingly don't know their neighbors
[*]Car-centrism; again, restricts opportunities for people to interact informally, and see other regulars on a nodding acquaintance basis (bus stops, cycling and traffic lights).
[*]People are increasingly scared of strangers as a result

A lot of what Winston says is totally correct and a lot of people will relate to it having affected them. These are all valid criticisms and insights. What I want to get to is why people don't listen to criticisms of the social environment and instead seek to attack individuals.

Likely criticisms;

'Am I being negative?'
Of course not, I'm just stating that my suspicions have been confirmed by going outside my country and meeting people from outside my country. This accusation is a common way of trying to deflect attention of valid points.

'Don't you have poor social skills, aren't you too shy and unattractive'
There maybe validity, but the degree to which this is true is beside the point. What I've mentioned doesn't just affect the shy, the socially-unskilled, this shouldn't be used as an argument to de-validate any valid criticisms of the social environment that are playing an enormous role in people's social isolation and datelessness. This clearly explaining the increasing restriction of meeting women to dating sites. For people who want to use the 'shy loser' trope to de-validate these criticisms, how come it was through going abroad that the greatest gains in confidence has been realised for me? How come many others report similar on this site? Also, I reject the notion that just because someone has poor social skills, it's a fault of who they are, no, it's a matter of lack of practice. How can someone get good at playing guitar without having a guitar to practice on? It's the same with social skills, the above factors prevent people who are isolated from practicing.

I believe we all do our bit to reduce the cliquiness and anti-sociality of this country. I do my part in trying to understand why our society is the way it is and why people behave the way that they do. Blaming individuals who complain about it is not doing one's bit. It could be argued that blaming individuals is a way to shirk one's own responsibility of making our society better. I believe individualism goes too far. Anyone heard of 'working together'? Antithesis of anglo-individualism.

Why people might resort to criticizing the individual; theories

My theory is that people might feel personally insulted by criticisms of their social environment, or see themselves being partly responsible for what's being criticized. That's that only innocent reason I can think of for people being hostile to complaints about social isolation.

The other reason is not so innocent. people may possibly feel insecure themselves and feel the need to be better than someone else and see a lonley individual as an easy target to validate their ego. If criticisms are meant to help, they would generally be well thought out and balanced. All too often, lonely people are criticized in an insulting manner. A lot of criticism I see directed to people with complaints about loneliness is certainly not born out of thoughtfulness.

[w.p.o.]

Feminism. Very simple. That's why western women are at the bottom of the totem pole. For many men, they are not even on the radar/list. scratched off. Flat out boycotted world wide.

[jamesbond]

Feminism. Very simple. That's why western women are at the bottom of the totem pole. For many men, they are not even on the radar/list. scratched off. Flat out boycotted world wide.

It seems as if where feminism exists, extreme loneliness exists as well. No wonder why there are so many lonely men in English speaking countries.

[jamesbond]

The English speaking countries do have the highest rates of loneliness in the world. I don't hear of too many lonely people in the Philippines, Thailand, Brazil, Columbia, Russia or Ukraine (just to name a few countries).

[publicduende]

The English speaking countries do have the highest rates of loneliness in the world. I don't hear of too many lonely people in the Philippines, Thailand, Brazil, Columbia, Russia or Ukraine (just to name a few countries).

I can't speak for every country in the world but I lived in Italy, England and (currently) the Philippines long enough to tell you that there's a lot of loneliness in Italy and even in the Philippines.

In Italy the fabric of society and those simple rituals that used to make us feel together, embraced, cared for, are quickly disappearing.

Just like every "first world" people, Italians have been increasingly isolating themselves in their personal spaces, genuine face-to-face interactions replaced by "me time", social media and Zoom meetings. Family ties are nowhere near as strong, especially as the few young men and women who want to have careers need to leave their hometowns and move to the bigger cities. Covid lockdowns, which Italians executed with religious compliance, just made things much, much worse.

The fact of the matter is that there is no togetherness without communication, and there is no communication without an honest desire to listen, to give one's own time and effort for the sole benefit of "the other". This moral platform is what's been constantly eroded, not just in Italy but every European country that still cherished human contact. In less than a decade, we will all be hooked into the Metaverse, afraid of any interaction that can result in even the smallest friction with our worldview.

The super-connected virtual world will enable us to find and choose the smallest possible pocket of individuals who appear to agree with our worldview and give us the perception that "we belong to them". At that point our only interactions will be with the micro-tribe of choice, far from friction, contention, dialectics, and any type of interaction that can fire our neurons and make us grow.

Then here in the Philippines. I see people of all ages still make an effort, or at least execute the chore, of meeting up at every excuse: baptisms, birthdays, weddings, funerals, etc. The heartwarming sight of several generations reunited under the same roof, singing, dancing and cheering, is not at all uncommon. Yes, everyone is hooked to their social media and videogames. Yet, every excuse seems to be good to gather up in front of a table full of food and eat. Maybe Filipino society still has a precious inertia of maybe one or two decades.

The only thing I find quite disturbing about social interactions between Filipinos is that, more often than not, these relationships, even between family members, are more often than not functional and not genuine and heart-felt.

One example will suffice. Back in the day when I was still in Davao and mingling with a lot of locals (via my business and my network), I would be often chosen as the "ninong", or Godfather of a friend's, a colleague's, an employee's son or daughter. At the beginning I would see this as a great honour and always said yes. This, until it occurred to me that, unlike in Italy, in Filipino tradition a family can choose as as many "ninong" or "ninang" (Godmother) as they wish. And that, obviously, a ninong would have to oblige with a gift for the child. In short, I was being chosen time and again because, as a foreigner, I was hoped (or expected) to give a substantial gift to the family. At that point I started to politely decline.

This doesn't stop at foreigners. I heard millions of stories of family relationships wrecked by bitter feuds, usually over money, remittances from the OFW or Kano cash cow, inheritance, etc. Whilst I don't want to draw myself to an overly cynical conclusion, sometimes I can't stop thinking that Filipinos gather together more as part of a ritual, than out of genuine love for their families and friends.

They always sound jovial and bond extremely easily, which can be a sign of relief for an many an affection-starved Western man, yet,in the end, very few of the relationships they build goes beyond the functional, the routine and the brittle.

[flowerthief00]

The best culture I've seen in this regard was Vietnam's. Them people are highly social. You see them gathering together in large groups out on the street everywhere. They love congregating in coffee shops. They have wedding retreats that go on for days. (with loud obnoxious karaoke that never ends) In some places they hold dances right out on the streets. I stumbled upon one once in Hanoi and also in Danang where I ended up dancing with the locals for a little bit.

Now that I think about it, the Vietnamese love of social gathering probably protects them somewhat from their corrupt non-representative government restricting the right of assembly too much. There's only so many restrictions they'd be willing to tolerate.