Going There to Meet Your Online Girlfriend

[MrMan]

My wife and I have a friend in the state we lived in before whose in his 40s and never married. He's got an apartment in walking distance to the beach, owns his own small business, and works hard. We know him through some church related stuff. He didn't go to the same church, but we've gotten to know him a bit and had him over for dinner. My wife thought he might be a good husband for a relative of hers and showed him some pictures. We talk on the phone with him occasionally. Recently, he said he wanted to get married and asked about potential partners.

My wife has online students in Indonesia and some relatives. She had one younger cousin, her generation but probably around 30 whose rather nice-looking. We had her sister and her husband over and some other relatives in Jakarta, but the single cousin didn't join much. She might work in Singapore. My wife talked to her mother about matching her up, after offering the opportunity to a niece whose about 21 who didn't want to be with an old man her parent's age and turned it down. So my wife was talking with one of her students and she had a Chinese Indonesian daughter who'd graduated with a degree in business from the US, the state our friend had originated from. She's in her early 20's. I saw her pictures. She might be an 8, at least a high 7+, a nice looking girl. Her mom said she never had a boyfriend and didn't go out and party in college. She sounds like a good match for this fellow.

So after all this, we have a conversation with him on the phone the other night. My wife had just given him the contact information after talking to the girl's mom, talking to him about the girl, talking to the girl. Our job is pretty much done unless the man wants to call for cultural advice or whatever. He was kind of talking about how we thought these kind of online dating things would go. He'd apparently done some of this before. He dumped the last girl because of a lack of personality. She just wanted to get married, she said early on, but when they talked about it, she didn't show any excitement. He wasn't feeling it and let her go.

So we were just talking about how he could approach dating this girl online. He said at some point if they hit it off, he might ask her to fly over to where he lives to see if she likes him. I said maybe that could work if her mom goes with her as a chaperone. He took that as a joke. But we told him he should go to her. He said he had had other situations like this, and he'd never gone to see the girl. I told him, he wasn't married, either. He said point well taken.

So we explained to him that it's Asian culture, at least Indonesian culture, the man goes to the woman's parents and proposes. The girl going off by herself to see the man in a traditional family, including a Christian family like this, doesn't look good. Him going to her to meet her and her family shows respect and interest. We also filled him in on the fact that in her culture the husband or his family pays for the wedding (an educated guess at least... not sure about Chinese Indonesians, but that's the general rule there). And to get married, you need to invite hundreds of people and have a buffet. (A nice hotel ball room or equivalent would be expected in a family whose kids studied abroad.) He was surprised about all that. It took a bit of convincing for him to see how flying her out to him didn't look good and the advantages of his flying to where she lived. We explained how flying her mom out to where he lived might be an alternative for a first face to face meeting, but he'd probably have to go there for the wedding.

I'm not sure how that would work with a immigration visas either. He might need the 90-day fiancee visa. If anyone knows the legal details and how to work that, please let me know. I suppose one could have a party in her country and a legal wedding in the US. Is it forbidden to have a legal wedding on both ends?

That's just if they hit it off. My wife had another girl in mind if they didn't.

During our conversation, he through out the idea of $10K for a wedding, which sounds about right to me. I haven't priced it, but that might work for a wedding in Indonesia in a hotel, but my guess is they could be more.

I told him to have the wedding some time when we were in Indonesia. Wedding buffets are usually pretty decent there. It's just about the only occasion you can eat Indonesian kambing guling, roasted young goat.

[Contrarian Expatriate]

It is amazing the lengths a desperate man of 40 will go to for fear of missing out on the marriage myth.

If it floats, flies, or fvcks, it is ALWAYS best to rent, not purchase but lonely dupes are meant to be duped in this world.

[Spencer]

It is amazing the lengths a desperate man of 40 will go to for fear of missing out on the marriage myth.

If it floats, flies, or fvcks, it is ALWAYS best to rent, not purchase but lonely dupes are meant to be duped in this world.

I finalment make tinder acunt and profile because i afraid make travel even i safe some travel money so on the tinder one my matching girly say in profile looking for sugar daddy then after she make first mesage to me say i need $15

so my guestimation she see if i send then next she say need more maybe 50 then next need 100 rinse repeat increase til i stop musical

moreso i guess she not want meet but maybe wrong for i not mesage on these girlys jus so so curious

but one i see so so hot but sad not like me back so far even i super liking her and for certainment if girl i superliky mesage back i mesage ok ok i mesage her strate way say hey girl can we meet and when meet i say hey girl can we spend bit lone time and i pay no problema and my guesing prime grade a girly like her would be so so lucky for me if she go with like me man for jus 200 dollar for couple hora and she act sweety then boom i hit jackpot so so hapy for she so so hoty but seem one match me not for my like so much for in truth most girl on there not so hoty only have exceptional time to timing

what can i do contarian

[Contrarian Expatriate]

It is amazing the lengths a desperate man of 40 will go to for fear of missing out on the marriage myth.

If it floats, flies, or fvcks, it is ALWAYS best to rent, not purchase but lonely dupes are meant to be duped in this world.

I finalment make tinder acunt and profile because i afraid make travel even i safe some travel money so on the tinder one my matching girly say in profile looking for sugar daddy then after she make first mesage to me say i need $15

so my guestimation she see if i send then next she say need more maybe 50 then next need 100 rinse repeat increase til i stop musical

moreso i guess she not want meet but maybe wrong for i not mesage on these girlys jus so so curious

but one i see so so hot but sad not like me back so far even i super liking her and for certainment if girl i superliky mesage back i mesage ok ok i mesage her strate way say hey girl can we meet and when meet i say hey girl can we spend bit lone time and i pay no problema and my guesing prime grade a girly like her would be so so lucky for me if she go with like me man for jus 200 dollar for couple hora and she act sweety then boom i hit jackpot so so hapy for she so so hoty but seem one match me not for my like so much for in truth most girl on there not so hoty only have exceptional time to timing

what can i do contarian

I'm not the best person because I no longer use Tinder, but suffice it to say I never give money to any girl BEFORE she deserves it for whatever reason. Girls looking for handouts are testing boundaries and should be blocked on sight because they are they least likely to be reciprocating in any way once they mark a dupe from whom to gold dig.

Money is only in play AFTER she has established herself as worth it to you as a man.

[hypermak]

It's amazing the lengths a desperate man will go to reassure himself that their perfect solitude and their mercenary-only relationships are the best things that could have happened to them.

Marriage is risky, or riskier, but can also be rewarding, with the right woman who loves you and wants to start a family with you.

[MrMan]

It is amazing the lengths a desperate man of 40 will go to for fear of missing out on the marriage myth.

If it floats, flies, or fvcks, it is ALWAYS best to rent, not purchase but lonely dupes are meant to be duped in this world.

You are posting in the marriage-minded only section. So are you thinking of settling down and marrying that unicorn after all?

[MrMan]

This thread is supposed to be about the need for the man to go visit a woman from a reasonably 'traditional' society, to meet her and her family, if he is thinking of marrying her, and not ask her to buy a ticket or pay for her ticket to see him.

[yick]

This thread is supposed to be about the need for the man to go visit a woman from a reasonably 'traditional' society, to meet her and her family, if he is thinking of marrying her, and not ask her to buy a ticket or pay for her ticket to see him.

Course he should go out to Indonesia and meet her, he is being completely unfair to expect her to travel alone to The States to meet him, why can't he do that? Has he stated why?

[MrMan]

This thread is supposed to be about the need for the man to go visit a woman from a reasonably 'traditional' society, to meet her and her family, if he is thinking of marrying her, and not ask her to buy a ticket or pay for her ticket to see him.

Course he should go out to Indonesia and meet her, he is being completely unfair to expect her to travel alone to The States to meet him, why can't he do that? Has he stated why?

There is no relationship yet. When I asked him why, he said if he just married her and she found out she didn't like where he lived, it wouldn't be fair to her, etc. Then we told him we meant he should go to her. He didn't explain exactly why he had a problem, but eventually opened up to the idea. Maybe he wanted to save money on tickets and bring it all down to one ticket. Toward the end of the conversation he said that once he got to know the right woman, he might be willing to go meet her parents. I think he understood how Asian parents, especially conservative Christian parents, would feel about the situation and the need to go there.

He came from a big, religious family, but he went off to military school as a teenager and he's been single a long, long time and he's American, so he probably hasn't thought this through. I think he wants a really conservative woman, a younger woman able to have children. We may have communicated to him that if he is going to find the kind of girl he wants he may need to have to do things in a bit more traditional manner.

[Yohan]

This thread is supposed to be about the need for the man to go visit a woman from a reasonably 'traditional' society, to meet her and her family, if he is thinking of marrying her, and not ask her to buy a ticket or pay for her ticket to see him.

It is nice that you like to help another man who is looking for a female for a long-term relationship.

However to be honest, reading through this thread, I ask myself if this man is really ready for an international/interracial marriage.
Financially maybe no problem for him, but otherwise?

Was this man ever outside of the United States? What does he know about Asia?

The only way for sure for a man from Western countries is to get on an airplane and to visit this woman in Indonesia and check out where she is living, to watch how is her life-style and make sure that she is really willing to relocate.

[MrMan]

This thread is supposed to be about the need for the man to go visit a woman from a reasonably 'traditional' society, to meet her and her family, if he is thinking of marrying her, and not ask her to buy a ticket or pay for her ticket to see him.

It is nice that you like to help another man who is looking for a female for a long-term relationship.

However to be honest, reading through this thread, I ask myself if this man is really ready for an international/interracial marriage.
Financially maybe no problem for him, but otherwise?

Was this man ever outside of the United States? What does he know about Asia?

The only way for sure for a man from Western countries is to get on an airplane and to visit this woman in Indonesia and check out where she is living, to watch how is her life-style and make sure that she is really willing to relocate.

The girl's family is from Indonesia, but she lives in Singapore, a developed country. Personally, I think a reserved Asian virgin is probably a lower risk than your typical American, somewhat feminist woman.

[Yohan]

The girl's family is from Indonesia, but she lives in Singapore, a developed country. Personally, I think a reserved Asian virgin is probably a lower risk than your typical American, somewhat feminist woman.

This is one side, this of the girl, but I was asking what about HIM. Is he really ready for any international/interracial relationship?
What you write so far it does not sound like that. Rather it's more about an American, who does not know anything beyond the borders of USA.

Anyway, he has to get on an airplane, to see that woman in person - no way about that.

A problem now, during this Covid-19 travel restrictions. Almost all countries in Asia are more or less closed and reject tourists...and this can still take a long while, many months...

[MrMan]

The girl's family is from Indonesia, but she lives in Singapore, a developed country. Personally, I think a reserved Asian virgin is probably a lower risk than your typical American, somewhat feminist woman.

This is one side, this of the girl, but I was asking what about HIM. Is he really ready for any international/interracial relationship?
What you write so far it does not sound like that. Rather it's more about an American, who does not know anything beyond the borders of USA.

Anyway, he has to get on an airplane, to see that woman in person - no way about that.

A problem now, during this Covid-19 travel restrictions. Almost all countries in Asia are more or less closed and reject tourists...and this can still take a long while, many months...

He was talking about dating online for a year, so things may work themselves out by then. He doesn't seem particularly ready for a relationship with an Asian. My point was, being with an American woman is probably just as difficult. Instead of cross cultural difficulties, he'd have to deal with however many years of feminist influence on her thinking. Some of the difficulties of dealing with your typical American woman are worse than the cross-cultural challenges, IMO. But my view may be skewed because I lived overseas for so long and it does not seem like a big deal. He lives in a multi-ethnic city with lots of Asians, and I think he's dated Asians, but still its different.

[flowerthief00]

Bad idea. I wouldn't do it. A man should generally avoid situations in which he is the one who is expected to make all the investment up front, and this is such a situation squared. How easy it is for the woman to back out or change her mind or suddenly find someone else she likes better with no financial penalty for her capriciousness.

[yick]

You have to risk some of your money, how much would it be for a two week jaunt to Singapore - not ten grand that chumps give to Mark Davis! It would be three or four grand tops! You can't expect a woman on her own to make the trip to The States - first of all, she would need a visa and you as a sponsor, secondly, her family won't let her go, if you want 'Asian virgin' then you need to understand that she isn't going to be running around the globe meeting up with men she doesn't know - Mr Man will know more than me about this but don't they still chaperone girls on first dates?

The guy in question doesn't sound serious at all - he is just messing her about really.