A love rejection in 1992 that changed my religion and more

[Winston]

Hi all,
I suddenly remembered a pivotal incident back in 1992 that brought me to such hurt and anger that I had never experienced before. It was so intense that by remembering it, I could still feel it now, as if it had left an emotional imprint in me.

Back in 1991, after a year in Taiwan, I returned to high school to finish up my Senior year in Fremont, CA. To free myself of the horrible nightmare of my previous school, Mission San Jose, I went to a new one called John F. Kenneth High.

Since I didn't know anyone there, I had no one to hang out with and I had no idea how to break into any cliques either. So I just hung out alone. It was nice to not be bothered or bullied, like I was in Mission San Jose, so my days were filled with peace. However, I soon felt lonely too, which began to take a toll on me.

My only companion was this cute Cantonese girl in 6th period (Computer class) named Anita Au. So even though I was lonely with no social life at all, I at least had a girl to chat with in my last class at the end of the day. It was the closest thing I had to any form of companionship, even though it was just casual chit chat about the school work.

But after the first semester was over, our teacher suddenly decided to change the seating roster. She said that having to work with new people would help teach us "people skills" blah blah blah.

When the new seats were announced, much to my dismay, me and Anita's were separated. Anita even frowned at this. But she never saw how deeply my heart sank.

So bad luck struck my life yet again. The only companionship I had in my school life was taken away from me - like a beggar stripped of his only comfort.

How could God be so cruel, I wondered? I was a passionate fanatical Christian at the time, and believed that God was taking care of me. I was shocked he would allow this to happen.

For the rest of the second semester, I only exchanged passing smiles and waves with Anita. We were never able to chat much again. The resentment in me slowly built up. And my longing and crush for Anita gradually began to surface until I felt pain.

During lunch, I had no one to hang out with except for this Christian youth group that would meet for fellowship once a week. During one meeting, when the Pastor asked each of us what troubled us, I could not bring myself to say that I had no friends or social life at this school, so I merely said that my pain was being constantly bored and lonely. In response, the Pastor said that boredom is something we create, to which I took offense to. He had no idea what I was going through and I was too ashamed to say any more.

At the end of the year, during final exams week, I finally decided to go up to Anita and tell her how much I missed her and cared about her. When I did, she blew me off and began avoiding me. In my year book she wrote that she hoped I would find someone else.

When I got home, out of desperation, I found her phone number in the White Pages and then called her, to see if I could salvage anything. Though mentally I knew it was hopeless, there were months of pent up emotion in me toward that I had to release and face, at least for closure. So even though I knew she wasn't interested in me, I basically called her cause I needed the closure.

On the phone, she kept blowing me off and telling me firmly, "Winston, NEVER call me again ok?"

After we hung up, I had my closure, but an extreme anger and resentment began building up inside of me, more than I ever felt before. I let it too, for the extreme emotion made me feel alive after a whole year of lifeless existence.

My eyes became bloodshot and my face became animalistic, as though primitive urges had taken over. Adrenaline was surging through me in a way it never had. I felt like I had become The Incredible Hulk.

The next day, the students who were accustomed to seeing me as calm and mellow were surprised that I looked so different even.

You see, I had never had a girlfriend before. Love and companionship were always denied to me, like a jinx. I would always lose every time. It was never meant to be. Here I was finishing high school and I didn't even have my first real date yet, the kind you see in the movies.

The whole year I had been a good Christian, read the Bible, went to Church, prayed, and witnessed for Christ to others. Yet for all that, I ended up with rejection and hurt, my only companionship stripped from me.

So my resentment began to be directed toward God. I angrily told him:

"What the hell? I was a good Christian for a whole year. I read the Bible, prayed, learned your teachings, and witnessed to other students, and almost got beaten up for doing so by Muslim students! I really stuck my neck out there for you! And what do I get for that? Hurt and rejection yet again? Why can't I win for just ONCE in my life? JUST ONCE?! It's like you ALWAYS jinx me with bad luck and loneliness. ALWAYS! If you're so all powerful, why can't you change that? WHY?!

Alright, that's it. I'm pissed. More than you know! I'm going to show you how pissed I am by not talking to you or reading my Bible for several months. I'm going to STOP being a Christian for several months to show you how hurt and resentful I really am!

I don't deserve this perpetual life of loneliness that you've given me and rewarded me with! So it'll be MY way of punishing you!"

After that, I never really regained my interest or passion in the Christian faith again. Perhaps without the unnatural pressures of high school, I no longer needed it as a crutch. Perhaps that's what it really was to me - a crutch, something to believe in, which I needed in my meaningless existence of loneliness and boredom.

Instead, I began to gravitate toward New Age beliefs. They were far more intellectually stimulating with no strict rules, boundaries and fear mongering dogmas that barred me from other forms of knowledge or mysticism. New Age allowed complete freedom of exploration and study in all metaphysical, mystical and paranormal subject areas.

This freedom and stimulation allowed me to grow intellectually and spiritually. And I liked it so much that I never wanted to go back to the strict black and white thinking of being a Christian fundamentalist anymore.

It brought new life to my lonely world. And that's why I stayed on this path. With it, doors opened in my spiritual and intellectual understanding that I never thought possible.

The lonely months continued until I had my first girlfriend the next year. But these New Age interests of mine kept my imagination and curiosity for esoteric truth alive at least.

So that's the story of how my religious/spiritual path changed back in 1992.

I know a lot of Christian believers out there will chide me for abandoning their faith over being rejected by a girl. But who's to say that she wasn't just a catalyst for a spiritual change of path that I was already headed toward?

It's hard for me to say whether or not if it wasn't for her, I would have remained on the Christian fundamentalist path. I would say that it's doubtful though.

But it does seem that pushing the Christian fanaticism out of me for a while, allowed new eyes to open in me, to the point that I didn't want to go back to being "blind" and narrow again.

In any case, looking back on those years, it's amazing how during those frustrated eras, it would take took me a WHOLE YEAR just to work up the courage to tell ONE girl I liked her. Yet here overseas in the Philippines it's a regular routine everyday, where I can pick up cute girls any time I want. It's absolutely incredible and mind boggling, to think that it would be possible to go from complete futility to abundance like this. I mean, what took a whole year of effort to even work up the courage to pursue can now be had at any time of the day.

Absolutely astounding...

But then again, life is often a double edged sword. You see, if something is too easy to get, even love or sex, it cheapens it. There is no glory or appreciation of it as much. Hence the irony. So I sometimes yearn to experience the pain of rejection again, for it makes the pursuit of love much more meaningful. With the wounds come the potential for glory after all.

How much sweeter, therefore, to win the love you've been fighting for a long time for. And that is the only regret in my success overseas.

Anyhow, so there's yet another embarassing piece of my past that I shared with you.

To read the rest of my lonely life story, see: http://www.happierabroad.com/Loneliness_Story.htm

I will be adding this section to it later.

[Shokkers]

Damn, Winston, that was ONE girl! ONE! I was rejected by anywhere from 20 to 50. (Looking back on it, High School is a place to get rejections out of the way...but also, consider how much knowledge we miss out on by concentrating on socializing in school rather than learning.)

I personally think it's a huge leap to blame God for that one rejection, but to each his own. Once I theorized that God was only responsible for gravity, oxygen and sunlight, it took a huge burden off of both of us.

Since you brought up the topic, I recommend some books by John Shelby Spong: THE SINS OF SCRIPTURE, JESUS FOR THE NON-RELIGIOUS and others. He's a Bishop who's widely considered an Atheist--but he actually claims to believe in God, just not a supernatural one. You'd probably also like a book called PAPAL SIN, it really rakes Christian leaders over the coals.

Best, KK

[Winston]

Damn, Winston, that was ONE girl! ONE! I was rejected by anywhere from 20 to 50. (Looking back on it, High School is a place to get rejections out of the way...but also, consider how much knowledge we miss out on by concentrating on socializing in school rather than learning.)

I personally think it's a huge leap to blame God for that one rejection, but to each his own. Once I theorized that God was only responsible for gravity, oxygen and sunlight, it took a huge burden off of both of us.

Since you brought up the topic, I recommend some books by John Shelby Spong: THE SINS OF SCRIPTURE, JESUS FOR THE NON-RELIGIOUS and others. He's a Bishop who's widely considered an Atheist--but he actually claims to believe in God, just not a supernatural one. You'd probably also like a book called PAPAL SIN, it really rakes Christian leaders over the coals.

Best, KK

Yeah but there were deep psychological issues going on at the time, VERY DEEP. At that point, for me to get even ONE girl was a HUGE thing, like making a million dollars or winning a gold medal. So huge that it would shake me in my boots. It was like accomplishing the impossible, since EVERYTHING in my life in the US told me that I was TOTALLY EXCLUDED from dating and sex, TOTALLY!

Words can only describe so much. What I was feeling was very intense, beyond what words can convey.

[momopi]

High school can be a more difficult social environment than Jr. high. In Jr. high it was easy to just ask girls to go to the school dance and have fun, because very few develop real BF/GF relationships. In HS many kids start dating for real for the first time, but without the maturity of college-age students.

In my first year of HS I discovered that confessing your affections to girls in a serious way will scare the daylights out of them. I had an older classmate (11th grade) in ESL English from Taiwan who was on the football team and popular with some girls. When I was still trading Playboy magazines with other students, he was humping a cheerleader and showing me various photos he took (cough cough). The guy was nuts and had those 35mm photos developed at a shop that his landlord owned.

Although I was 2 years younger than him, my English was better (he was a HS FOB), I was just too lazy to do homework and got placed in ESL. I helped him with his papers and he took me to a few beach outings with his friends. The first thing he taught me was, when I get older, buy a 4-seat car instead of 2-seat. He drove a Honda CRX (2 seater) and I thought it was cool (I was 14 and didn't have a car or license). He said 2-seaters is "selfish" because you couldn't haul more friends and girls on outings. You think you're cool but your friends will think "naw let's not call him, his car can't carry all of us". He regretted buying the CRX and was envious of other jocks who hauled 2-3 girls in their jeeps.

The second thing he taught me was that, if you want to invite girls out, do a group outing like a beach party and bonfire + BBQ (Bolsa Chica?). If the girl didn't already like you and you ask her out on a date, there's a good chance that she'd turn you down. So invite her to something fun with guys & girls and ask her to bring her girl friends. You can offer to give her and her friends a lift (only if you have back seats!) and have your shot at hititng her up. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen. If not, don't stress over it and move on. Beach and bonfire is very romantic and you can invite the girl for a walk, and as the night progress, hug and share a blanket while you roast marshmallows.

I did take his advice and got a 2-door car with backseat in HS. Dated a few girls but didn't get a GF or get laid in HS. That came in my 1st year of college.

[MoscowSummerNights]

Christianity, as practiced since the Victorian Era, is run by old women to control older men from cheating on them. Their policy is to start when males are young and train males to be compliant to females...to be Beta Boys.

Anyone who knows PUA theory knows this, which is why PUA is critical for young males to know even though I will NEVER allow my son to go to a North American or even anglo saxon high school.

You didn't need New Age stuff to replace your Beta Fundamentalist Training (which is all wrong on almost all points in terms of getting a boy a gf).

You needed PUA training while you were still stuck in the USA.

[MoscowSummerNights]

By the way guys, head on over to the Washington Post where Jessica Valenti of Feministing got to write a major article saying that American women still do not have rights and justice.

They hate us in the dying US media and they will hate us until these newspapers are bankrupt.

That girl rejected Winston largely because the atmosphere back then, as now, was anti-male. US feminism had trained her to revile men who paid attention to her. It was very bad upbringing that she said "Never call me again Winston". But the culture (media) taught her this was OK. Only women can be victims in anglo culture. This can be reversed by MRAs now that the media is dying and being replaced by Twitter accounts.

You guys try to stay out of being PUAs or MRAs because you think that going abroad gets you out of the whole mess (which is largely true).

However, if you consider what the Gabriella Organization is trying to do to American men in the Philippines (convince middle class filipinas not to date you) you would be crazy not to become at least parttime MRAs to stand up to the feminists.

In the USA, feminists are now getting 1 Billion USD per year to do things like lobby the Manila government to pass laws regulating how you can meet Filipinas online and off and whether you can even marry them. They now have special boards set up where women who marry US men have to get "permission". It is sick. But it is even sicker to sit back and ignore this entirely.

[Gene and Viol]

I think rejection is something we all go through to some degree or another. Helps one learn how to deal with others even when things dont turn out as we would like.

For me, rejection by girls was an ongoing issue through school. At times I wondered if it wasn't some form of sex education.
But we all grow up and move on with life and the rejection issue and many others are pushed aside by other demands of life...

[Falcon]

Thanks for sharing, Winston. I'd also like to hear more about your girlfriends that you did have in America. How did they even became interested in you in the first place, considering the current American dating scene?

In my first year of HS I discovered that confessing your affections to girls in a serious way will scare the daylights out of them.

At least for American teenage girls. Imagine how much worse they would get several years later, as they mature into full-blown AW's. I did actually "scare the daylights" out of one of them back in high school, and that was definitely not a good experience. By the time that had happened to me, I had already had some dates, and was by no means socially inept.

During my senior year of high school, I had a crush on a Taiwanese-American girl. She was a stellar student who always smiled a lot, and was (at least superficially) very sweet and innocent. We shared a few classes together, and even sat next to each other in one of them. (Ironically, that class was AP Spanish.) She was always extraordinarily friendly with me, always calling me a "genius," "talented," "amazing," and so on. Once when we were having dinner together with a lot of other students, she would give me a lot of special attention. She would tell me to get all the food quickly so that I wouldn't be hungry, and even brought me utensils and napkins. Some of my friends thought she actually was romantically attracted to me. I developed a crush on her, and wanted to ask her out to a school dance. I then asked around for some advice. The other guys, and even girls, told me that I shouldn't be afraid of rejection, and should just go ahead and tell her my feelings towards her.

So one day, I approached her with a gift and casually told her that I loved her. Those were my feelings, and I wanted to be honest with her and speak my mind. She smiled and said it was "really sweet," and casually walked away. Then suddenly, she turned around and said, "Can we talk in a private area for a while?" Right then, I sensed that this was trouble. She pulled me over to a corner and said, "I can't go to the dance with you. That's because I don't want to give you any false hopes." I was very confused and afraid. I then tried to hold her hand so that I could ask her if we could simply go to the dance together. She pulled back nervously and yelled, "What are you doing?" I walked away, shocked at what had just happened. Later she told me, "If you actually knew me, I'm not that good of a girl. I don't really hang out with the best people."

I thought we've had deep conversations. I thought she really did like me. Now everything just went down the drain.

Later that day, I messaged and e-mailed her, trying to explain to her how I had actually felt, and how I never meant any harm. I apologized about the whole thing, told her that we should completely forget about the incident, think of it as if it had never happened, and still be good friends. She blocked my instant messages, e-mails, social networking profile - everything. Her attitude towards me flipped around completely - 180 degrees. She stopped being friendly towards me, and said everything was "awkward." I asked her friends why I didn't think it was "awkward," but she did. They claimed that it's because "girls are different." In AP Spanish, she was even mean, and told me to "stop messing around" and concentrate like I was supposed to.

Even worse, she told all of her best friends about it. Since high school was a small world, that meant gossip and rumors spread fast. I had told the girl to not tell anyone about what had happened between us, and she promised. But she broke that promise. Her friends soon started asking me, "So do you still like her?" "How did you feel about that rejection?" "Aww, don't you feel sad?" They evidently felt sorry for me. They even said they knew all the nitty-gritty details. Of course, it was definitely very embarrassing to hear that story being spread all over campus. It was impossible to run away from this drama, because high school was simply too small of a world.

At that time, I thought I now knew why guys were afraid to ask out girls. It's not just rejection itself. The resulting rumors and social awkwardness can be very embarrassing and even traumatizing.

Admittedly, that was a traumatizing incident. From them on, in high school and in college,

(1) I became highly suspicious of flirting and women displaying interest in me. They could instantly change from being angelic to demonic if something goes wrong. I was frightened of their unpredictability and irrationality.
(2) I was very scared of asking out girls who shared classes and activities with me. If I botch the job, the resulting gossip will screw me over. Better to try my luck on women who are farther away.


When I would tell my fears to some close friends, they would reply, "That's life."

She's now a pre-med student at a prestigious university. Of course, we don't talk to each other anymore. No need to anyways, because I'm happy with my new foreign girlfriend who doesn't play any games with me where I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. That Taiwanese-American girl is still single. And I'm not surprised.

----

Things were completely different with my Mexican girlfriend. The first time she met me, she was obviously flirting with me, and it was easy to tell that she actually meant it. In one of our very first phone conversations, I told her that there was something that I was afraid to say to her, and that was "te amo" ("I love you").

She then told me, "This is the first time I've ever heard you tell me 'I love you!' Why didn't you ever say that before?"

"Earlier in my life, I told some girls that I loved them, and they all ran away from me."

"Oh don't worry about them. I really love you deeply, and I don't want you to hide your feelings. I really care about you, and you don't ever have to feel scared to tell me how much you care about me."

That's right. I can actually tell her my weaknesses and fears, and she will actually love me more for telling me all of that (that makes us feel a lot closer, and more open).

It's like day and night. With my Mexican girl, I never feel forced to hide my true feelings as I've always did with girls in the US. She was about the same age as that Taiwanese-American girl back in high school, but she was totally different. We have never had any awkward moments together, because we always laughed a lot and felt free to speak our minds.

[odbo]

hahaha when I read the title of this thread I thought 'What a f***ing mangina!" Then I clicked on it and went "Oh, Winston's the author. No wonder.."

Thanks for bringing this back from the dead Falcon!

[Falcon]

hahaha when I read the title of this thread I thought 'What a f***ing mangina!" Then I clicked on it and went "Oh, Winston's the author. No wonder.."

Thanks for bringing this back from the dead Falcon!

Although Winston's love rejection and mine had a few things in common, there were some major differences: I was always talking to the girl a lot and was close friends with her before telling her my feelings. Plus, I didn't just randomly hit her up out of the blue. Neither did my religion change. Instead, I became more aware of the female American mentality, and moved on.

Everyone's high school years were different. Let's show some empathy for Winston.

[Falcon]

She's now a pre-med student at a prestigious university. Of course, we don't talk to each other anymore. No need to anyways, because I'm happy with my new foreign girlfriend who doesn't play any games with me where I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. That Taiwanese-American girl is still single. And I'm not surprised.

To this day, she has never had a boyfriend.

All the single ladies!

[ladislav]

When I would tell my fears to some close friends, they would reply, "That's life."

And they were right, that was life ( of a man in the USA). If you are in a nut house, just get out of there.

What the hell?

The lonely horny hell of the USA. Especially if you are a short Asian guy.

I was a good Christian for a whole year. I read the Bible, prayed, learned your teachings, and witnessed to other students, and almost got beaten up for doing so by Muslim students! I really stuck my neck out there for you! And what do I get for that? Hurt and rejection yet again? Why can't I win for just ONCE in my life? JUST ONCE?!

You can! God gave you all the girls you need. He just did not put them in the USA.

Go get'em, boy! He put all those countries chuck full of gorgeous women just for you and the few like you to date and be happy. He gave you a US citizenship or a Taiwanese one so you could travel at ease. He gave you strong currency so that you could easily finance your travel. If you are living in the freaking desert with just a few watering holes over which thousands of thirsty animals go at each others' throats, whose fault is it if you do not get on your camel and go to the Nile? The airports are all over the place.

Your mistake was the belief in The Great American Abundance- another false religion perpetuated by Linda Ronstadt- "Everything you want, we've got it right here in the USA". Well, no, not everything. Not abundant dates for a 5'7" Asian guy with no big money. And the sooner you'll understand that it is not your fault or God's fault, the faster you'll be able to put it behind you.

[jamesbond]

You can! God gave you all the girls you need. He just did not put them in the USA.

That's a great statment! You can have all the girls you want, as long as you are willing to travel to foreign countries to meet them!

[Winston]

High school can be a more difficult social environment than Jr. high. In Jr. high it was easy to just ask girls to go to the school dance and have fun, because very few develop real BF/GF relationships. In HS many kids start dating for real for the first time, but without the maturity of college-age students.

In my first year of HS I discovered that confessing your affections to girls in a serious way will scare the daylights out of them. I had an older classmate (11th grade) in ESL English from Taiwan who was on the football team and popular with some girls. When I was still trading Playboy magazines with other students, he was humping a cheerleader and showing me various photos he took (cough cough). The guy was nuts and had those 35mm photos developed at a shop that his landlord owned.

Although I was 2 years younger than him, my English was better (he was a HS FOB), I was just too lazy to do homework and got placed in ESL. I helped him with his papers and he took me to a few beach outings with his friends. The first thing he taught me was, when I get older, buy a 4-seat car instead of 2-seat. He drove a Honda CRX (2 seater) and I thought it was cool (I was 14 and didn't have a car or license). He said 2-seaters is "selfish" because you couldn't haul more friends and girls on outings. You think you're cool but your friends will think "naw let's not call him, his car can't carry all of us". He regretted buying the CRX and was envious of other jocks who hauled 2-3 girls in their jeeps.

The second thing he taught me was that, if you want to invite girls out, do a group outing like a beach party and bonfire + BBQ (Bolsa Chica?). If the girl didn't already like you and you ask her out on a date, there's a good chance that she'd turn you down. So invite her to something fun with guys & girls and ask her to bring her girl friends. You can offer to give her and her friends a lift (only if you have back seats!) and have your shot at hititng her up. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen. If not, don't stress over it and move on. Beach and bonfire is very romantic and you can invite the girl for a walk, and as the night progress, hug and share a blanket while you roast marshmallows.

I did take his advice and got a 2-door car with backseat in HS. Dated a few girls but didn't get a GF or get laid in HS. That came in my 1st year of college.

Men your mentality is so Asian. The thing is, I had no choice at the time. The school year was ending with a few days left and I was a senior and it was the last year of high school. So if I didn't tell her how I felt, I would never get the chance and regret it and always wonder what would have happened if I had. As the saying goes "you regret more what you don't do then what you do."

I had no friends or cliques to invite her out with either. You are assuming everyone has a social clique. lol. I did finally have a clique in junior college though, when I got my Vietnamese girlfriend and hung out with a Chinese girl too who introduced her to me. She introduced me to her Vietnamese friends and family so I had some social life in the first few years of college. But in high school, no cliques. Everyone was cold and closed and I felt excluded and unwelcome. Nothing I could do about it. Nothing to do with social skills. If people don't like you and you feel excluded, it means just that, you are unwanted and a fish out of water. Being down to earth isn't gonna get you into any cliques in high school. lol

It might have been better if I went to Special Ed school, because kids with disabilities have bigger hearts and are more kind and down to earth and inclusive and will like you for you, hence the friendships with them are more genuine. I don't vibe with fake people. Or if I had gone to school in the 70s things would have been different too because people were more down to earth back then. It seems the universe likes to torture me by putting me constantly where I don't belong. Maybe the universe/demiurge/god that runs this matrix is just an asshole? Seems like it.