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Check this out. What do you think? Is it true? Are we all in denial about it?
Disassociating From Our Emotions
A common way men bypass dealing with the emotional stress involved in dating is by disassociating their emotions from women and sex. If they shut off their need for intimacy and connection, then their sexual actions no longer rub up against their emotional maps and they can greatly diminish the neediness and anxiety they once felt around women while still reaping the superficial benefits. It takes time and practice, but once disassociated from their emotions, they can enjoy the sex and validation of dating women without concerns for intimacy, connection, and in some cases, ethics.
Here are common ways men disassociate dating from their emotions:
* Objectification of sex and women. This includes, but is not limited to, keeping lay counts, flag counts, rating women they date on a 1-10 scale, tracking â€œprogress,â€ calculating open ratios, close ratios, comparing notes with other men and treating it as some sort of high score on a video game.
Granted, meaningless sex can be fun at times. So can a harmless brag to your buddies here and there. But viewing ALL male-female interactions through this lens is catastrophic to oneâ€™s ability to engage in emotional intimacy and resolve a lot of these unconscious problems. In fact, it just suppresses them and makes them worse.
* Misogyny. Viewing women as inferior or as highly different creatures with different values, desires and emotions is a sure way to redirect oneâ€™s emotional problems outward onto the female population at large rather than dealing with them yourself. Without fail, men who treat and view women as some inferior â€œother,â€ are more often than not projecting their own anger and insecurities onto the women they meet rather than dealing with them. (For what itâ€™s worth, this applies to some misandrist feminists Iâ€™ve come across as well).
* Manipulation, lines and tactics. By adopting lines, manipulation or tactics to meet and seduce women, a man is withholding his true identity from the woman and therefore is withholding his emotional map as well. If a woman is falling for the perception of who he is rather than who he really is, then thereâ€™s far less risk for conjuring up the buried emotional stress and pain of his prior relationships.
* Overuse of humor, teasing, bantering. A classic strategy of distraction. Not that jokes or teasing arenâ€™t always bad, but an interaction of NOTHING but jokes and teasing is a means to communicate without saying anything important, to enjoy yourselves without actually do anything, and to feel like you know each other without actually knowing a thing. This is most typical of English-speaking cultures, as they tend to use sarcasm and teasing as a means to imply affection rather than actually showing it.
* Stripclubs, prostitution, pornography. A way to experience oneâ€™s sexuality vicariously through an empty, idealized vessel, whether itâ€™s on a screen, a pole, or running you $100 an hour.
Men who harbor a lot of resentment for women tend to disassociate and objectify women the most. Men who had turbulent relationships with their mothers, men who were left by their wives or girlfriends, or men who were tormented by women growing up, these men will likely find it much easier and more enticing to objectify and measure their sex lives than to confront their demons and overcome their emotional scars with the women they become involved with.
Depending on the nature of their issues with women and their upbringing, these men can become either Fake Alphas or Nice Guys. On the surface these two types of men appear quite different (one over-compensates and is domineering, the other is wussy and passive aggressive). But honestly, theyâ€™re more or less the same guy â€“ oneâ€™s narcissistic, the otherâ€™s codependent; one gets laid, the other jerks off to Hentai between World of Warcraft sessions.
Note: This isnâ€™t to say that many women donâ€™t disassociate their emotions and objectify men as well. But thereâ€™s a lot more social pressure on men to ignore their emotions, particularly â€œweakâ€ emotions such as a need for intimacy and love. Itâ€™s more socially acceptable for men to objectify their sex lives and boast about it. Whether you think thatâ€™s right or wrong or doesnâ€™t matter, it is how it is.
Obviously, it goes unsaid that Pick Up Artist tactics promote objectification front and center as part of their strategies. It helps emotionally damaged men get short-term sexual results with as little hassle as possible. But PUA teachings donâ€™t solve the root problem. They just cover it up. Theyâ€™re a temporary fix at best, and even more damaging at worst.
Confronting Your Issues and Winning
Disassociating from your emotional needs is the easy way out. It requires only external effort and some superficial beliefs. Working through your issues and resolving them requires far more blood, sweat and tears. Most men arenâ€™t willing to dig deep and put in the effort, but it yields far greater and permanent results.
1) The biggest misconception when it comes to working through an excess of emotional baggage is that these feelings ever completely go away. Research and brain imaging indicates that fears, anxieties, traumas, etc. are imprinted on our brains in similar ways that our physical habits are. Just like youâ€™ve developed a habit of brushing your teeth every time you wake up, you have emotional habits of getting sad or angry any time you feel abandoned or unwanted.
The way to change is NOT by removing these feelings or anxieties altogether, but rather consciously replacing them with higher order behaviors and feelings.
This can ONLY be accomplished through taking action. There is no other way. You cannot rewire your responses in healthy ways and confront your insecurities if you arenâ€™t out there actively pushing up against them. Trying to do so is like trying to learn how to shoot free throws left-handed without ever actually touching a basketball. It just doesnâ€™t work.
If you have a habit of flipping out and leaving angry voicemails every time a woman doesnâ€™t call you back, you donâ€™t get rid of the anger, but rather channel that anger into a better and healthier activity, like say, going to the gym, or painting a picture, or punching a punching bag.
2) Anxieties can be overcoming through utilizing implementation intentions and progressive desensitization. For instance, if you have a problem getting sexual or making the first move with women, start with baby steps. Tell the next woman you go on a date with that sheâ€™s sexy. Once that feels comfortable then challenge yourself to have a conversation about sex. After that challenge yourself to hold hands with a woman. Then challenge yourself to kiss a woman.
Iâ€™ve set up online programs that utilize progressive desensitization to help men overcome their anxieties around women.
Obviously this takes time and requires consistently facing situations which make you uncomfortable, but thatâ€™s the idea. You must overlay old emotional habits of fear and anxiety with new healthier ones of excitement, boldness and assertiveness. Mentally train yourself so that any time you feel anxiety, you force yourself to do it anyway.
3) The final step â€” once youâ€™ve learned to channel your negative emotions in constructive ways, once youâ€™ve eaten away at your anxieties and are able to often act despite them â€” is to come clean with women you see about your needs and start screening based on them.
For instance, Iâ€™ve always had a fear of commitment and needed a woman who was comfortable giving me space and some freedom. Not only do I openly share this with women I get involved with now, but I actively screen for women with these traits.
Ultimately, your emotional needs will only be fully met in a loving and conscious relationship with someone who you can trust and work together with â€“ and not just your emotional issues, but hers as well. We unconsciously seek out romantic partners in order to fulfill our unfulfilled childhood needs, and to do so cannot be completely done alone.
This is the reason that honesty and vulnerability are so powerful for creating high-quality interactions â€“ the practice of being upfront about your desires and flaws will naturally screen for those women who best suit you and connect with you.
This kind of authenticity changes the whole dynamic with women. Instead of chasing and pursuing, convincing and persuading, you focus on consistently improving yourself and presenting that self to the women of the world. The right ones will pay attention and stay. And whether you spend a night or a year with them, this enhanced level of intimacy and mutual vulnerability will help heal your emotional wounds, help you become more confident and secure in your relationships and ultimately, overcome much of the pain and stress of that accompanies sex and intimacy.
Check out the latest posts in our blog The Happier Abroaders.
Don't forget my HA Grand Ebook and Dating Sites!
"It takes far less effort to find and move to the society that has what you want than it does to try to reconstruct an existing society to match your standards." - Harry Browne, How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World
Here's the salient point, right here ...
Unlike the above advice, geared towards men, women are not consistently improving, other than sporting vanities, like her new Pilate's body or some hokey "New Age Quest" for Enlightenment.
Also, when guys start to improve themselves, some actually find that they don't really *need* women either.
Yes, many women are childish, boring, and not the emotional and/or intellectual equals of a smart, well-adjusted man. This starts to occur, after one passes his twenties, when certain men make huge changes between ages 28 and 32. Women, however, are still mentally 18 to 22 yr old, on the inside. That's something I'd observed in my own surroundings during the past few years.
Right now, I simply do not date anymore. I have close to zero interest in the opposite gender. Whenever I get horny, I take that road trip to Montreal, boink a 5 star GFE French-Canadian, and come home.
I do agree that all people should make an effort to improve themselves constantly but women aren't doing that in North America. They would rather date a dumb douchebag who does exactly the opposite of everything in that article.
The worst thing about the internet is that every clueless moron can become a blogger.
I get what you're saying there, Winnie. There was a video that I watched recently about this topic. It's basically how black men disassociate their feelings because we generally have nobody that can hear us out and relate to our pain. Check it out.
"Manginas grovel. Men travel." - me (04/17/2012)
"I used to be one of those men who believed that men are better than women at everything. Then I stood corrected!
Women are better than men at... getting fat." - me (02/24/2013)
Black women suck at life.
" Instead of chasing and pursuing, convincing and persuading, you focus on consistently improving yourself and presenting that self to the women of the world. The right ones will pay attention and stay. And whether you spend a night or a year with them, "
What planet is this author on? All that happens is guys get rejected after she's done using him, or when a "alpha" male shows interest in her. Why bother even talking to a AW?
This guy is living in some "Yes, We Can" type of self-help orbit around a black hole.
While there's nothing wrong with self-improvement and being all that you can be, ala Military training or Julliard virtuoso credo, but there's a place for everything. When you get into top shape or can play one of Satch's solos, its intrinsic reward is for your body, mind, and spirit, not for anyone else.
Here, this guy is meandering like a kid, doing a recital in front of his parents and classmates, and is expecting them to approve of him. Well sorry, but we're adults now and in that world, third-party AWs are jealous, callous, & don't care if you believe that you're the next coming of Satriani, unless there's a trail of dollars, following your "sold-out" shows.
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