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A Sense of Finality

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A Sense of Finality

Postby Ghost » Sat Jun 15, 2013 11:15 pm

As I draw very near to becoming an expat for the first time in my life, I can't help but be faced with a flurry of emotions and thoughts that pass by me quickly and slowly, as if they are trying to disorient me, draw me back in, or make me fearful enough to want to stop now. Truly, the reason I decided to finally expat is that the fear of failing surpassed the fear of leaving and attempting to make a new beginning. That fear motivated me. Guided me even. And as I wrote not too long ago, perhaps the window is closing. Now, however, it seems that there is a sense of finality more than ever. It isn't that we just run out of time. After all, the world just keeps on turning and social splintering, economic collapse, World War III, peak oil, bursting social and economic bubbles, and all the rest just never finally "get here" and do what they do. The world will still be rotating a century hence. Some way or another it will. But life as we know it won't be. It will have been replaced at some point. And so will we.

With the revelations that have been coming about lately, with those nasty stupid assholes helping form the U.S. into something that might even shock Orwell himself, the sense of finality hits for me. This way of life won't continue. I have said before that my greatest fear is that the inhumanity, the cultural rot, the "system" if I must say it that way - will find a way to perpetuate itself forever. Even if that means citizens become slaves farming at subsistence levels in 21st century concentration camps, and the powers that be become nothing more than overseers in those camps. It's a dread I can't help but fear. This way of life won't continue, but the powers that be might - however they have to.

And yet as things seem to deteriorate by the month - whereas it used to feel like it was by the year - I can't ignore my desire to escape and maybe, just maybe, live a decent live out there in the world. The very thought of it makes me hope for it more than ever, and I can only hope that even though I have finally decided to take action that it wasn't too late. I never wanted to become some rock star or some little god. Just wanted a chance to experience what any man should be able to.

Milton's Satan said that it is better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven. And I think in the choice of becoming an expat that the choice is not quite so; it is more like a choice between serving in hell and serving in heaven.

Walking around places here now, taking part in the illusory is like seeing something that has already become an old, dead world. It is like watching a movie and already knowing the ending. The symbols, the sights, the feelings of the Old World are alluring. They have long drawn me in and for so long convinced me to not act. But it is a world that no matter anything else, I don't belong. I don't fit and I can't make it there. It can't hold me any more and since last year I knew that I could not let it hold me back, hold me down. I had to act and depart.

Starting a new life is not truly about time, resources. It is about action. The thing that can prevent you is in your own mind.

The hardest part is letting go.
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Postby zboy1 » Sun Jun 16, 2013 1:16 am

Well said, Ghost. I'll be in China around September. What part of China will you be in? I'll be teaching High School students in Ping’an village, Zhejiang Province? What part of China you teaching in, Ghost?
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Re: A Sense of Finality

Postby PeterAndrewNolan » Tue Jun 18, 2013 1:20 am

Yep..things are going from bad to worse at the moment. I am finding it very funny actually. There are more and more women being brutalised by the cops and they are all "upset" about it! LOL!! The latest one was some WOMAN cop who gave some woman a CAVITY SEARCH for throwing a cigarette butt out the car window! LOL!!

We are keeping these stories over here. ... fault.aspx

As for myself? I have just had the best 5 years of my life. Really. I could only be happier if my fav#1 changed her mind. We had a long chat the other day and I put the question to her again as to whether she might change her mind or not. She said no one more time. And this time we agreed there was no more point me asking her if she was going to change her mind. She said no in October 2010 and she is not going to change I was a little sad about that. She seems astonished that I appreciate her so much.

When I called her on May 1st, the 5th anniversary of her helping me out of my suicidal period, she was very jovial and friendly. She asked me "so tell me, how long are you going to keep calling me on may 1st and thanking me for what little I did so long ago?"

And I said "I will call you every may 1st I am alive and you are willing to take the call? Does it bother you to have someone tell you that they really appreciate you?"

She laughed and said "I would LOVE to hear from my bother, my brother, and my son, what I hear from you!!! And you know that!"

So yes...while I took time out to try and help people stop the coming cull? They hated on me. Slandered me. At best ignored me. So I do not feel at all bad about what I believe is the now inevitable WW III.
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