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We must be careful and diligent in choosing our friends. The most important factor is trustworthiness, and when you find your trust was misplaced, the consequences can range from disappointment to disaster.
Recently a long-time friend revealed a hidden hostility and envy of my success, to the point of falsely accusing me. It saddened me, but I did not miss the learnings, so I am thankful for the experience.
As always, my intuition had warned me several times, but I failed to listen to it. My intuition has never failed me, but I have failed it. Intuition is not a hunch or a strong deep feeling. Intuition is a knowing that requires no thought, energy, or reflection, and usually hardly any action at all.
There are ways to develop your intuition: prayer (ask for it), meditation, Mushin (the mind/no mind state found in the Samurai scripts), hakalau, and learning the higher states of objective/rational positional thinking as opposed to subjective/obsessive positional thinking. You will learn all of these methods in precise detail in the Martial Mastery course
For today, here are 10 ways you can spot a friend whose character is in decline and may be getting ready to bite:
But first, check your pride: if you have truly wronged someone, always be the first to admit it and sincerely apologize.
The first thing I did when my former friend accused me? I read his email and said "I need to check myself and ask: have I done ANY of these things? And, could I have done any of these things?"
This is the wise and timeless ethic of treating others as you would want to be treated, and so I carefully self-introspected to make sure. And you know what? Of the whole list of offenses, I was guilty of only one: I was late for pizza. Yes, can you believe it? Hey, it was there!
Now remember, a friend who is not sincere and trustworthy, and who does not reciprocate your caring, is a fake friend. Care for those who truly care for you, and let the rest go.
Now here are 10 ways to spot a fake friend:
1. Auditory: Short, curt, distant and agitated tones (you can tell they have something to say but aren't saying it. The reason for this is that their conscience is conflicted, their subconscious knows they are wrong, but their pride is searching for an excuse to oppose you. Until they find the excuse, they lay in waiting like a viper coiled on a limb)
2. Visual: Beady, shifty eyes. For the same reasons listed above, their eyes become beady and almost animal like. They begin accessing their memory (lower left) where they have 'created' past justifications of disliking/betraying you, they can also access their imagination (right or upper right) to reach and create.
3. Kinesthetic: Body language and Energy. They begin to appear shifty and uncomfortable around you. You can tell they're preoccupied. You'll start to detect a certain lack of natural comfort.
4. Breathing: their breathing may become noticeable, and a very slight sheen of sweat on the skin. They may pause, look down and take a breath, before speaking to you, as if they're subconsciously trying to 'get ready' to tell you something.
5. Life Circumstance: Incidents of friendship betrayal are often surrounded by economic factors and related stress and duress. If you find yourself happy and doing well, don't be surprised if some friends start to accuse you of being fake or doing wrong. It's because of their own limiting beliefs and personal choices that they are in a struggle, but rather than recognize that and change their beliefs and make better choices, people tend to cling to previous programming such as 'money is evil' etc. etc.
Rather than being rational and sober in thought, they resent that you have more than they do, so they smugly figure that you must have cheated or been helped by a rich uncle to get success, not seeing the years of patience and toil it took you to get there.
An example: many many years ago I financed a small red sports car on monthly payments I could afford, since I was doing okay in my business at the time. I also had a buddy who was into weightlifting and body-building and we spent an entire summer every single evening at the gym. I've been a martial artist since the age of 8, but had never once lifted weights, so he got me started in weightlifting (and I've never stopped since).
By the end of the summer I was looking pretty ripped. Not an Arnold, but stronger and more built than I had ever been. We went to a restaurant and ran into some guys we knew from high school a few years prior. "Oh, nice car, your daddy must be rich." And "Oh, you've been taking steroids."
You see, their minds were looking for the way that we MUST have cheated to get our success. People like that will always make an excuse for not making it, falsely claiming the moral high ground, and they will always shoot you down when you make it. Negative thinkers always look for what's wrong, and they always 'find' it, most often by creating it in their own minds and clinging to it with smug pride.
We worked hard for it every night at the gym while they were fooling around wasting time. I earned every penny of that car myself working hard every morning and afternoon. I never have taken a steroid in my life (I hear they make your balls shrivel up and that's just not something I'm willing to risk)
Negative people think and work this way and look out, they may be right under your nose and you may not know it!
And chances are, if you're a compassionate person who likes to help others like I am, you can try to offer them good advice, but in almost all cases, they will not listen and may even resent you for it.;
Pride and Envy are almost inseparable, they go hand in hand, in order to conceal each other. Envy is a demon that uses pride to go undetected.
6. The Law of concentrated attention: When you discover they have been unduly concentrating on you in an imbalanced way, you can be certain something is wrong with the relationship.
When a person concentrates on an idea, the idea tends to manifest itself. Remember that thoughts and behaviors become habitual through repetition. An agitated/antagonistic thinker will repeat to themselves all of the things about you they perceive to be offensive, in order to reinforce to themselves that they are "right."
We can learn this for ourselves so that we don't make the same mistake: if it takes pressure effort or constant reinforcement to convince yourself that you're right... you're not!
When you're truly right, you're at peace with yourself and with the world, and even with those who you believe have done you wrong.
7. The law of the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: R.K. Merton, Sociology Professor at Columbia University, stated that when we predict an event, the expectation of the event changes our behavior in such a way to make the event more likely to happen.
According to Merton, the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy is, in the beginning, a false definition or belief about a situation. This false belief causes a new behavior that makes the false belief come true.
So, your betraying friend will, in his mind, compile an evidence "shit list" to justify his self-informed prejudice and feel secure. That is the secret pleasure people unknowingly get out of sitting in the Judgment Seat. It's why public lynchings and feeding people to the lions in ancient Rome were so popular. Humans want others to be as they expect them to be - it makes us feel more secure.
In NLP this is sometimes referred to as "Perception is Projection" Meaning we project out onto the world and others, all of our unresolved "stuff." Whether you like it or not, let's face it, we humans do it all the time.
Remember also that in the battle between Imagination and Logic, Imagination will almost always win! That's why the world is in such bad shape and people are so nuts - they aren't aware that they themselves hold the power to direct their imagination for a good result by design, so they let it control them through emotion and impulse by default.
How to protect yourself from this danger: Imagine only what is good, clean, powerful and positive, AND, Know when you are imagining. Take volitional control of your Imagination by Imagining "How" as in "How can I...." for a goal or positive purpose, rather than "Why" as in "Why did I.., why did they..."
You now have the power to use this vital tool of Imagination.
8. The Character Test: Self-Responsibility. People who take responsibility for their own lives and circumstances, are generally those with good lives and good character. They are the friends you want.
When you have the type of friends who blame others - God, the economy, their childhood, etc, once they run out of things to blame, they'll pick you. So look closely on how friends talk and think and make sure they tend to have a self-responsible worldview.
9. Smug Self-Righteousness: Notice if they are constantly claiming the moral high ground, quoting damning scripture, and taking pleasure in pointing the bony finger of contention. That's a huge red flag of a friend about to flip. Remember, the only one anyone should ever be pointing at, the one God gave you to work on, is the one in the mirror.
10. Refusal to be held accountable: when you call them on their bullshit, and provide empirical evidence to refute them, they'll clam up. This is pride looking for something to eat, and finding the fridge empty.
Give them a little time and they may come out of it. In the end, if they don't, let them go and bless them and move on. Resentment is a dangerous and highly addictive drug that is almost impossible to detect when you are under its influence. It will impair your judgment and hinder your results.
Whatever demon of delusion is in your former friend, wants to get inside you too, and the only way it can do that is if you resent it.
Upon reading this you can easily look back and recognize these traits in former friends who betrayed you or went sour. After reading this, you are now prepared to recognize and prevent them from affecting you.
So what's the best thing to do if a friend betrays you?
1. If your friend lied, even if he believes the lies as true, give him the truth without argument.
The beauty of email is that it can't escalate into a shouting match. Don't argue; simply lay out facts in black and white objectively and simply as possible.
This is the loving thing to do. If you allow them to throw shit and don't send it back with soap and water, they think the shit stuck and that they are 'right.'
Being a true friend sometimes means pointing out that no, the emperors new clothes are not lovely and in fact the emperor has no clothes at all, but always without emotional heat.
If you lose it, raise your voice or return personal insults for personal insults, you just got directed to dance and you are under the control of another. Being directed to dance means you become subjective, instead of objective. Never lose objectivity to emotional heat.
2. Once you've done that, let it go. Do not chase it. On Fox's "No Spin Zone," Bill O'Reilly gave some great advice: "I have a no-spin zone for friends - I call them twice, if they don't call me back, that's it, it's over." Great advice, Bill!
You do not want friends you have to constantly argue or plead with. They are energy vampires. And, arguing common sense really is a fool's errand. You'll find these types of friends will resent you for giving them good advice. Who really needs friends like that?
3. In the presence of discovering a false friend, look closely at all of your relationships and make sure they are of true character. Those that are, reaching out to them. Those that aren't, let them go quickly and
certainly. Don't explain, just simply let them fade.
4. Become grateful for the true friends and family you do have. It's about quality, not quantity. It's about shared sincerity and genuineness, not dogmas and familiarity. Reach out to them for support. Remember that Humble Gratitude unlocks the gates of heaven more than any other attitude.
Wisdom and Courage,
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I had an "ex-friend" who walked over my back a few years ago to get with an (ex) GF, so I'm no stranger to this sort of thing. hehehe.
My "test" isn't as long and complicated. I simply ask myself if I was hungry, who would feed me and who wouldn't care if I starved.
From that question alone I deleted a bunch of #'s off my cell phone directory!
I also like the self-responsibility part. I know someone who'd break stuff and blame it on his kid. He'd borrow you car and return it in a messy and smelly condition (baby on board), think there's nothing wrong and if you complain, he'd say that you're being too anal. He doesn't believe in "you break it, you pay for it".
Last edited by momopi on May 15th, 2008, 12:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
You have just described 90% of the American populace. I heard something on the Alex Jones show that stuck with me and was an epiphany of sorts.
He told of how when you go crab fishing and have a bucket full of blue crab, if one crab is smart enough to reach the top of the bucket in a bid to escape, what do the other crabs do?
They pull the smart crab back into the bucket!
That is what the American culture has become. Life in America is no longer about achieving your goals, its about stopping anyone and everyone from achieving their goals.
In America, perceived power is given to those that hinder others. A perfect example is the police forces. They lie in wait, then ambush the unwary, and are given much power to do this despicable activity.
So as young boys that are sexually abused usually turn out to be predatory homosexuals themselves, a circle of destruction as it were, the same effect happens in general society.
Everyone is slithering around with a knife in hand, eagerly awaiting every and any opportunity to shiv anyone that makes even the slightest mistake...then gibber in glee as if they have accomplished something special.
This is one of the prime reasons I am getting the hell out of America ASAP.
Great guide gmm567. I'd like to show it to my list.
I've had ex-friends that fit some of the profile you gave. Especially the part about where they fabricate false memories and facts in their head to use as an excuse to hate you. When they do, they won't listen to any attempt you make to show them that they are saying false things.
Stefan and Amber are examples of former friends who were like that.
But the thing is though, that those who've done that to me hate everyone, not just me, and have no friends. Thus, it means nothing if they turn against me, contrary to what my bashers claim.
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"It takes far less effort to find and move to the society that has what you want than it does to try to reconstruct an existing society to match your standards." - Harry Browne, How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World
It's not just Americans, all humans in all cultures are the same, its part of human nature. It's a perpetual problem for Filipino's. Most of the time if an individual family member starts to get out of poverty themselves or try to make a better life, their family members will try to bring them down or suck them dry of money instead of giving them positive support. I see it here all the time. Every girl I've been with once family members think they are dating a foreigner start asking her for money and if she doesn't give it to them they get pissed off.
Needless to say I don't date them anymore. Their families are too much of a pain in the ass to deal with.
"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor and stoic philosopher, 121-180 A.D.
I'm sure these dreadful guys will write 20 pages to "prove" you are wrong, a liar, actually are on steroids... But heres the heads-up: These bashers are the kind of fake/false friends he's talking about in this article!!! All you are doing with your smug replies is proving him right about you. So wake up to yourselves. bashers especially love rubbing your nose in it & cutting you down because it lets them think they are superior. We shouldn't be surprised we have a generation of asshol@s since we've outlawed disciplining children. Because of this lack of discipline some of the laws now are just droconian (e.g. crushing "hoon's" cars in California), so I'm glad I'm leaving while i can.
"Woman is a violent and uncontrolled animal... If you allow them to achieve complete equality with men, do you think they will be easier to live with? Not at all. Once they have achieved equality, they will be your masters." Cato the Elder