My Chinese girlfriend: Should I abandon ship? I love her.

[magnum]

things were fantastic before, ruff for the 3 month long distant relationship, if you read my "back to china in July" post you'll know what I've been up to.


So things ended well, she cried at the airport...but after about a 2 weeks now, things seem to be falling apart.

She was ok with my background, the idea I don't have college behind my back bothered her but as long as I could support us both she was fine, she always said "i don't need a rich man, just one that can take care of a family"

Now she's saying things like "My family doesn't marry people without college" and that "you must have college to work in china" she's been on my ass about finding a job while I've been here in America, I've got a holiday job coming up soon that I'm pretty sure I landed, nailed the second interview.

But she can't seem to realize how hard it is to get a job here, or is just frustrated with me.

Now I've flat out told her "I can't promise you I'll ever have college, all i can promise is i"ll have a job that pays enough to support us both, if that isn't good enough maybe we should break up"

she said "ok agreed" that hurt badly, I've sacrificed a lot for her, I worked 3 months for the soul reason of seeing her, got sick for her, spent over 3,000 to get to her...she said she loved me, but now when i ask she says....she isn't sure.


I'm not sure if it's us having a deeper connection and the stress of her school making her crazy or if she has changed her mind, but I'm thinking she is less and less of a life partner...she's 20, she was 19 when I was visiting her, i hope it's just a maturity problem, but I'm not every experienced here.

She said she loves me, but she isn't sure she'll marry me....I'm confused, I invested so much in this it would destroy me, but it was my own foolish choice to sacrifice so much for her.

I was thinking of teaching English in shenyang for 2 to 3 years until her college was over, see if we had a future, if not I'd have the experience required to move to Japan and the funds aswell, I calculated it, I could save about 25 to 40k USD by the end of my 3 years in china.


Plus if we do break up, I'd at least have a shot at more women in the city

[zboy1]

Dude, break-up with her! She sounds just like another nagging, overbearing female ball buster...

Are you sure you want to be around that for the rest of your life...?

[rudder]

Please be very cautious when taking advice from people you do not know on the internet.

Having said that...THIS GIRL IS DEFINITELY NOT A KEEPER!

In this day and age, a poor young guy needs a superwoman not a spoiled little brat.

[aozora13]

Please be very cautious when taking advice from people you do not know on the internet.

Having said that...THIS GIRL IS DEFINITELY NOT A KEEPER!

In this day and age, a poor young guy needs a superwoman not a spoiled little brat.

Rudder, it was almost an Oxymoron but anyway back to the topic...

@Magnum

I have to agree with zboy1 and rudder. Technically more people are able to do well without a degree in China with a business. You could get a fake degree from those school mills online (not advocating though) but to try to fake a degree to be with her seems rough and honestly, if she really did care and want to be with you, she would have actually been okay with her being happy to having a guy supporting her. She does not understand that college (university) is expensive, even state schools. Plus it will take you 4 years extra to get a degree. You need to find another Chinese girl who likes a guy who a good qualities and who likes to provide to his family. It seems that you do have those qualities, even trying your best to spend as much time as possible with her.

Kai would be a good source for Chinese culture since he is married to a Chinese wife. You might want to PM him for information. Other than that other members will also say that if she immediately wanted to end your relationship with you for not having a college degree than she is not worth the trouble. I think too that her family might not actually like a guy who is marrying their daughter to have less education than her. I think you can still be able to work in China being a English teacher as zboy1 or ghost but wait until other members chime in.

[magnum]

Thank you very much for the info and support.


I don't know what I'll do now, I've invested so much time effort and money in to this girl, she seems torn honestly.

What I don't understand is how she can act so in love...when i spent a month with her, she'd wake me up in the morning every morning come in to my room, as if she couldn't wait for me to get up....she'd constantly insist she wanted to stay with me, as if she didn't want a single moment away from me.

Now it's as if she's pushing me away....I suspect maybe it's pressure from her father?....or maybe now that I'm not with her in person her emotional high is gone, so she's distancing her self from me, I keep trying to get my head around it.

the last thing she texted to my phone while I was away is "I love you" but at this point it seems like that love is rather conditional.


From what I've seen in person in china, they don't need your diploma to be real, the boss of a English private school literally said after I mentioned I don't have a diploma that "they don't check" so she flat out more or less said fake it, they don't care, but how wide spread that offer is I don't know...

I could always sacrifice 4 more years of my life and just go teach English but honestly, I don't even WANT to teach English, it's just the choice I'll have to make if I want to work out of country.

it pains me to be this desperate, I'll never settle for a American woman, but the truth is I'll never have the time or money to find another opportunity with a woman like this if I settle down and work in the usa, I could see how a weaker willed man would settle for a American woman, because you really don't have any other options and most wont get enough vacation time to make enough of a connection flying over sea's to try and jump start a relationship in 30 days, I'm lucky I had the opportunity to spend 6 months in china, yet it bankrupted me.

[magnum]

@aozora13

are you referring to kai1275?

[anamericaninbangkok]

Bye-bye little China girl...

[Taco]

I never really got a good vibe from most Chinese women when I was in China. They can make good girlfriends for some guys. However, I think the long term success rate with Chinese women is lower than it is with Filipinas. When her parents find out their only daughter wants to marry a foreigner it won't go over well.

[magnum]

Yeah I'm hurting bad.

I sacrificed 3 months working for the soul reason to see her on her holiday, sacrificed my health, eating Chinese food was fun, but 2 months later I'm now 14% body fat, my own Fault, my money my time, and it seems it still isn't good enough.

If I wanted to be treated this way I could have just dated a American woman...the only thing that keeps me from dropping her is, she has said "I don't want a rich man, just one that can take care of a family"

hell she has hand washed my cloths while I was in china...has taken care of me when I wasn't feeling well....



You know, I've done a lot in my life for love, I've lost 140 lbs, went from 300 lbs to 165 went half way across the world to find love..., lost my six pack in china....lost whatever sad amount of money I had in the process, I would almost regret I didn't put my efforts in to making money, but I don't want to buy my love, purchased love is valueless.

Do I feel sorry for my self, well, I'd lie if I didn't say I was deeply sad....I'm glad I had the Integrity to see this through and the will to accomplish what I have, but its left me confused.

She said sorry she knows she hurt me, and that she got a little crazy...

I didn't break up with her yet, but I sure don't see a alternative, it's a shame I truly love her, I'm so resistant to the idea of ending though, I don't think I'll ever get this far in to a relationship again, at least not with a girl this young and I'm not willing to date girls over the age of 24, even by then they're a lost cause, I thought the fact she was 20 might help my cause and in a lot of ways it did....but I'm at a loss.

Now I'm back in the U.S.A probably about to be single with the prospect of a part time seasonal job, but what can I say, unlike a lot of people on these forums I'll own it, it's my own fault, if only I'd gone to college and been mature enough to see the value in things sooner, I'd be younger and out of country by now, getting 4 years of college out of the way at 28 seems like a pointless venture but hey, debt sounds like fun so maybe I'll give it a shot.

[RedMenace]

Yeah I'm hurting bad.

I sacrificed 3 months working for the soul reason to see her on her holiday, sacrificed my health, eating Chinese food was fun, but 2 months later I'm now 14% body fat, my own Fault, my money my time, and it seems it still isn't good enough.

If I wanted to be treated this way I could have just dated a American woman...the only thing that keeps me from dropping her is, she has said "I don't want a rich man, just one that can take care of a family"

hell she has hand washed my cloths while I was in china...has taken care of me when I wasn't feeling well....



You know, I've done a lot in my life for love, I've lost 140 lbs, went from 300 lbs to 165 went half way across the world to find love..., lost my six pack in china....lost whatever sad amount of money I had in the process, I would almost regret I didn't put my efforts in to making money, but I don't want to buy my love, purchased love is valueless.

Do I feel sorry for my self, well, I'd lie if I didn't say I was deeply sad....I'm glad I had the Integrity to see this through and the will to accomplish what I have, but its left me confused.

She said sorry she knows she hurt me, and that she got a little crazy...

I didn't break up with her yet, but I sure don't see a alternative, it's a shame I truly love her, I'm so resistant to the idea of ending though, I don't think I'll ever get this far in to a relationship again, at least not with a girl this young and I'm not willing to date girls over the age of 24, even by then they're a lost cause, I thought the fact she was 20 might help my cause and in a lot of ways it did....but I'm at a loss.

Now I'm back in the U.S.A probably about to be single with the prospect of a part time seasonal job, but what can I say, unlike a lot of people on these forums I'll own it, it's my own fault, if only I'd gone to college and been mature enough to see the value in things sooner, I'd be younger and out of country by now, getting 4 years of college out of the way at 28 seems like a pointless venture but hey, debt sounds like fun so maybe I'll give it a shot.

Quick question. Did you at least bang this girl while you were there?

She has too many options. I don't like women who are like that because it's a dangerous game. Unless she is not very good looking. If she is good looking, young and is in university. You are playing a very very dangerous game with your time, emotion and effort mate. Because that girl will have all the options in the world. The female I am working on who is 7-8 years older than me says I am dangerous because I have so many options. Young, about to go university and no kids. I will be unstoppable when I graduate and get a job. She is scared I will leave her after she invests in the relationship. That's how you should have been thinking from the start.

[aozora13]

@aozora13

are you referring to kai1275?

Yes, I was referring to him. He can give you more insight into the culture. It seems that you can try the fake degree road if you really want to be with this woman long-term. I agree about English teaching. Contrary to other members on the forum, I rather do something that I like and teaching (beyond some simple training now and then) is not something I would like to do. I guess that might be an option for you or if you area able to briefly work as a teacher and switch to another job in your skillset within 1-2 years this can work too. I am just giving you some ideas since it seems now that although she does like you a lot she put this ultimatum on the table and it is rough to meet.

Possibly you can just show you have one (fake) and try to see if you can establish your own business (online) or in real life. There are options. I am just telling you that before you end your relationship with her, you should see if you can ask kai or others who live in China if you can get their opinion on the matter.

[kai1275]

Well.... I told you before in a way that you guys might not make it due to mismatches based on timing. Red actually makes a good point. She has way more options than you do and always will for the next 5-6 years of course. Then her options will fall off a cliff sharply. He also asks a very important question too. Did you guys have sex? If you did, she isn't going to give up on you so easily. If not, then all you guys have is promises and we all know what happens with that....we are all grown people in here, lets be realistic.

Anyway, from what my wife and I have read, your only option is to find a way to teach English in China. Without a degree I have no idea if that is too hard or not. Check with Zboy1, Ghost, or Cornfed and see if any of them skipped going to a University. You being white helps a great deal based on that alone.

Go here and see what you can find: http://middlekingdomlife.com/guide/ This site is for expat English teachers in China.

Living in China for 2-3 years is very f***ing hard though. You might need to go outside from time to time for sanity reasons. Your aim salary wise needs to be 7-10,000RMB a month.

If I had to guess, you got a 40% chance to succeed with this. It's all on you. Time to either sack up and dig really f***ing deep and get it done and make it work. If you love her that much you will find a way. I went through this more or less, less drama though, trying to get extra trips to China in to spend more time with my wife. It was the emotional pain of being apart that was our biggest problem. It was always either not enough holiday time or money for traveling.

Anyway, If you love this woman that much, prove it and find a way. Also since you are one of the few Christians here, you need to seek God for guidance. What has God told you and showed you? If he has given her to you, ask him for resources in order to get the wife he has sent you. He won't put more on you than you can handle. Never forget that. He is still your father and he will provide for you both if that is truly the woman he has sent you.

[kai1275]

Also moping over not going to college won't matter at this point. You need skills more than pieces of papers. Trades, etc. Didn't you say that you were interested in missionary work before? If so, perhaps this will be part of your story. Any good ministry worker I have ever met or known, make my life story sound like I had a bitch fit fight with my mother over candy. They also make me feel like my faith level is nothing compared to theirs. That kind of life is only possible for probably -1% of all men. That is REAL strength. Men like this are much more of a man than nearly anyone else in the world to be able to live on faith and not knowing where the next meal or living arraignment will come from.

[xiongmao]

Living in China for 2-3 years is very f***ing hard though. You might need to go outside from time to time for sanity reasons.

Yeah, learn from my experiences guys. I lasted 4 months in China. I'll end up going mad in Bangkok as well. It takes a special type of person to live here long time. I met a guy who'd been here 15 years. He was crazy. The advice he gave me was just laugh at every stupid thing that happens to me out here.

Well that was just as well because two days ago I had to wade through over a foot of water to get to my hotel. Tonight's bus journey home was like that movie Speed 2: Cruise Control, but with buses instead of boats. At one point the bus actually got wedged against the wall of the SkyTrain viaduct. And I got home to find my room full of flying ants - the little guys who live in my bathroom have been busy. I don't know how much more insanity I can take. On top of that we have Guangzhou-like levels of humidity since the mother of all rainstorms.

I wouldn't do the fake degree thing. I don't know about China but in Thailand a foreigner got jail time for doing that.

As to girls, getting emotionally attached to females is dangerous. I've found the only way I can shift them from my brain is by finding a better girl, or they find somebody else. Clingy girls are hazardous in the extreme.

There are loads of options out there though. In Bangkok everyone seems to be single. Every time I log into Thai Love Links I see 100, maybe 1000 girls I've never seen before. I wish I'd worked my way through my dating bucket list before I started seriously looking for The One.

[Teal Lantern]

Dude, break-up with her! She sounds just like another nagging, overbearing female ball buster...

Are you sure you want to be around that for the rest of your life...?

Yeah, I thought she sounded normal, too.

[T]he last thing she texted to my phone while I was away is "I love you" but at this point it seems like that love is rather conditional.

It is conditional. The ones that aren't like this are called "exceptions".
Briffault's law doesn't care about language, culture, or time zone.

She said sorry she knows she hurt me, and that she got a little crazy...

Said by every woman, ever.

You can keep looking for a NAWALT, or you can put in your best effort with this one and compare that to how much effort she gives you back.
Better to internalize the lesson, while you're still young.