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My fiancee, and I have been together for a year now. I plan to propose on my next visit. I’m just not sure if I should run my plans with her parents first. She’s a girl from the Philippines that I met on Loveme. She’s beautiful, affectionate, and has strong family values. I love how she’s always been loyal to me despite the distance.
I’ve fallen for her even more when I travelled to her hometown the second time. She welcomed me to her home and took me to different tourist places around. It was a fun holiday with her. After I went home, I told myself that she was the one I wanted to spend my life with. I’ve been planning this proposal ever since and I want to do things the best way.
While I was there, we’ve only met her parents once. She lives on her own in the city and told me that she moved out right after she finished studying at university. She and her parents don’t really have the best relationship. This is why I’m confused if I have to talk to her parents before asking her to marry me. She’s not really a traditionalist but she still has practices that are in line with Filipino tradition.
I love her and I want her to have this special day. I need tips on Filipino pre-proposals. I don’t want my plans to go differently just because I didn’t follow specific local practices. I’ll do anything for my woman. So, I need all the help I can get. What do you do when you want to propose to a Filipina? Do I meet her parents? Do I inform them after she said yes? Do I bring my parents with me too? Would like any advice on this, thanks!
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Same AFA spammer -- Loveme is another name the company uses.
The trouble is that this forum doesn't have any obsessive NEET mods who can identify kick out these spammers. Winston is a lazy bastard and fschmidt actually has a life.
I dont know anything about filipino traditions but I would advise that you talk to her parents. Starting with the dad. Having a man to man conversation. He is her father, creator, and guide. He knows her much better than you ever will. Its best to show them respect and appreciation. It is a necessary step for a positive and accepting union. If you dont take this step not only will you disrespect them. You will be creating a disharmony union. I dont think taking your family just to tell them know is necessary at all.
Introduce a little anarchy, upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos.
Become An Agent of Choas.
It seems like the way they do it in Indonesia is the man and woman hang out a lot, go places together, and maybe tell everyone that they are 'friends.' But other people keep asking them when they are going to get married, and may tease them a bit about this. Eventually, they announce they are going to get married. Basically, I think the way they do it is date, decide to get married, but 'engagement' or the equivalent is when they get their parents together and do some kind of formal proposal. How that is done depends on their people-group. There may be some ritual or way of doing things. At some point after or during the first meeting, there could be a bride price (or even husband price.)
I think Indonesians may make a bit more of a husband proposing to a woman these days. I saw an online drama on YouTube "Isteri dari Masa Depan' (wife from the future) where the man wanted to propose by having a flash mob dance and sing. She said she thought that was a silly thing right as he was planning to spring that surprise on her, so it was cancelled. So maybe Indonesians are making a big deal of the man asking the woman. I think they generally just talk about it, though, decide to get married, and ask the parents.
Sometimes Indonesian men who are dating will say that they are saving up money to get married. Weddings are expensive. You have to feed hundreds of people. I know a Batak man who has been dating a pretty Chinese girl for about 7 years, wanting to save up money to get married. An advantage for westerners is that prices are cheaper in Indonesia. If a college grade gets $700 a month salary, and is trying to save up, if you are making $2000 or $5000 a month, it may be easier for you to acheive. I'd imagine that's the case in the Philippines as well.
What I described was how dating Indonesians propose. Some of them are arranged. A lot of the ones in the city date. But if they get too old, the parents might match them up. In my wife's people-group, they might be matched up with cousins. It's arranged marriage with consent of bride and groom. I asked a cousin of my wife who got married why he married his cousin. I hadn't seen either of them in years and asked him jokingly, 'Where did you two meet?' He didn't get it was a joke, so I explained. So I asked him if he saw her at the family reunion and his heart skipped a beat. He said, no it's not like that. Getting married draws their families together. She wasn't bad looking, but she was a few years older than he was and hadn't gotten married. I hear if someone in the clan needs a spouse, they start asking relatives for help, hitting them up for one of their kids. It's not just cousins, but they could match up cousins of cousins who aren't really related, too. They can adopt foreigners in as a first cousin to the wife. Cousins who marry can't have the same family name. Most of my wife's relatives aren't cousins with each other as far as I can tell, but I think she's got three or four relatives in her massive extended family like that. She always thought it was gross to marry her cousin. Europeans used to marry their cousins until the royal families took it too an extreme, got birth defects, and it fell out of favor in the 1800's.
The key with the Filippino culture would be to find out how it's done. Do you ask her dad and get permission to ask her? Do you two date, decide to get married and ask her parents? They also have their own people-groups, probably with their own culture.
In the past, in English culture, asking the father was the thing to do. It was his right to permit or deny the marriage. I'm not sure if that is the case with Filippinos, but I have been to an Filippino wedding and both father and mother walk the bride down the aisle, and both father and mother walk the groom down the aisle, too. So I'd imagine both parents should be involved.
This may be late, but as someone raised in the Philippines, here's what I can tell you.
Ask for her hand, from her parents. It's the proper, traditional and respectful thing to do. Regardless of the reaction, the fact that you asked formally speaks well of you. It can and will be used as a character reference point when discussing your character in the future.
Depending on how well you get along or know the family, you may wish to do the following:
1. It should be done between you and the parents, without your fiance present - this is the traditional way.
2. Take them to dinner first, then broach the topic after dinner.
3. If unsure, broach it to the person you are closer to, by asking them for help on how to present it to the other parent formally.
4. State your intentions formally in the presence of both parents.
5. Prepare to be grilled - it's a way to get concerns out of the way, and demonstrate character.
6. In the Philippines, the man pays for the wedding.
7. If the family has concerns about your character, address them by asking what you can do to demonstrate that you are a good man
8. Accept and abide by reasonable requests from her parents - i.e. let her finish school, hold the engagement for six months - even if your fiance wants to elope tomorrow. This shows respect and will spare her the pain of being estranged from her family, they will love you even more.