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Discussion for marriage-minded members seeking foreign brides for marriage and serious long-term relationships.
One problem us guys have is when we listen to our woman, sometimes we take what comes out of her mouth as fact.
If she says, "I never want to live near your parents", some guys take that as fact.
If a woman says, "I don't love you any more." or "I want a divorce." or "It's over." some men actually believe that. Sure, it could be true, but that's not the best strategy for understanding what your wife is saying.
I know a man who hasn't been the best husband. My wife knew his wife and I'd heard about him. He'd cheated on his wife multiple times.
Later, I met the couple. The woman was just awful to her husband. She was so disrespectful and rude, the kind of rude that makes everyone else uncomfortable, the kind of rude that's rude to be around other people... toward him. It's wrong to commit adultery, but I can understand the motivation to look for comfort from another woman if a man's wife treats him like that. It doesn't make it right, of course.
He told me the story of how he had a baby with another woman while married to his wife. He went to some sort of career training opportunity to get a new job. His wife was angry at him. On the phone, she told him it was over. She would never be with him again. He was heartbroken and went off and had an affair with a woman who wasn't too bright. She got pregnant. But he reconciled with his wife. My point is, this man believed his wife when she said it was over, and made a stupid decision based on it.
When women talk like this, keep in mind they are talking about how they feel, not facts, not the way things are. Not the way things will be.
I also realize that as the husband, I am the leader. Whether a wife realizes it or not or acts like it or not, the husband is her head. If she says she's never going to sleep with him again, and he verbally and through his actions, accepts that as fact, they could have some serious sexual problems for quite some time. But if he says, "Yes you will, Honey. Your just upset right now." or something like that, he could end up having sex with her after they make up. If she says, "I want to quit my job" and he says 'okay' she may quit her job. But if he says, "I'm sorry you feel upset right now. I know you are upset about your job. But we don't need to make any decisions right now", she may calm down.
If she says, "I want a divorce" and he says, "Fine, I'll get the paper tomorrow", she might back down which is probably what he's hoping for. But it cold escalate into a divorce. But if he says, "No you won't. I know you'll keep your commitment to me 'Till death do us part' because you are an honorable person. You are just upset right now, but we'll work it out and things will be better tomorrow", that just might work. (Of course, it depends on if she's just upset over something small or some big thing like adultery, which may be a different story.)
Also, if your wife says, "You are so sexy. Any time you want it, you ask me, and we can have sex, any time for the rest of our lives." keep in mind, that's just her saying how she feels at the moment. Go ahead and try to hold her to it. Maybe you'll have success. Get her to sign something. Sneak a video or audio recording out and ask her to repeat what she just said without her knowing it's being recorded.
Is there anyway to know if a woman will have a high sex drive throughout the marriage you think before you marry a woman? You hear horror stories about how the woman wanted it alot but then later never wanted it or she never wanted it at all for most of the marriage.
"Put a ring on the finger and the hole closes up". According to the PUA gurus, those big dominant alpha males don't have this problem. Just us wimpy betas and omegas. LOL. So after you've ponied up for the PUA worshops to learn how to find a woman to be your wife, you then have to pony up more money learning how to keep her from shutting down sexually.
A better idea is never marry, or marry in such a way that the marriage contract doesn't mean anything (no alimony, no children because the man has a vasectomy) and thus always be prepared to dump the woman. In either case, stick to women who have a lot to lose if you walk off.
I'd much rather be celibate that stuck with a woman who is deliberately denying me sex. It's like a constant insult to have a wife like that.
thats my biggest fear that im stuck with a woman i have to beg sex with. I fear that as much if not more than divorce.
Then why marry in the first place? What you describe is a casual relationship, why go through the hassle of buying a ring and signing any contracts?
If you beg her, she won't have sex with you. She will loathe you, and find you pathetic. Women don't usually f**k a man out of sympathy and the rare times they do, their heart just isn't into it. They have to find you attractive, and raw passion will make them want to tear your clothes off and pleasure you.
PS: Mr. Man, this is a fine thread you made. You really figured out this marriage thing a lot better then some other men.
Mrbluelight also hinted on this that most filipina women only do it for the guys pleasure they are not used to be initiators or being very passionate.
so if a woman is not agreessively initiating you would say she is not marriage material for that person? One would have to go through quite a few women to find one that acts like that then. The only girl i can think of that acted like that was the bargirl. Which obviously isn't fit for marriage. Is there a way you can tell such a woman right off the bat? Is there some kind of personal chemistry when you first meet a girl without even having sex that you know she is a good prospect for this?
I noticed some of the guys latched on the tiny sex part. Well, sex is the sexier topic and if you aren't married, the other stuff may not feel as pertinent.
As far as sex goes, I agree with Marcos that begging one's wife for sex isn't a good way of going about it.
I don't know all that much about PUAs, but I listened to some videos when I heard about it, not to do the PUA thing, but just to see if there was anything I could learn about female psychology that might be useful in marriage and for general interest. One thing they do is get the woman proving herself to them. It puts the man in a superior role, which women seem to respond to. There is something biological about it. Contrary to feminist philosophy, women like the man to be in the dominant role. They like to respect their man. They like their man to be strong, dominant, etc. There are variations between women. I'm talking in general, here, and even women who put on a tough exterior might be attracted to a strong, dominant man. And you have to be careful with this, because one thing that displays strength, dominance, leadership to one woman that might make her excited might turn another woman off. But I digress.
As far as getting the woman to please the man, the application in marriage when it comes to sex is that I think at times it's okay to discuss sex with her with the underlying assumption that you have a standard as a wife you expect her to live up to. This is if the passion isn't there. Sometimes it may be there. But women go through cycles. Every month they have a cycle. But there are also times in their lives, months maybe, where they may be preoccupied, melancholy, or whatever. People get new jobs, move, have interactions with inlaws, have babies, send children to school, have children leave the house. One way to help keep up the sex life is if the husband treats sex like something that is going to happen.
My wife isn't all over me all the time. I wish she were. I've got more interest in sex initially. After the act starts, she gets really into it. But I hear it's pretty common. Women's minds work different. They don't compartmentalize topics to the extent that we do. Everything is interconnected and they are thinking about everything all the time. So sometimes they have difficulty focusing on having sex. Of course, there are variations. I'm thinking of a woman running a household with lots of kids and a toddler here. When we were first married it was automatic, sex every night if she wasn't on her period. That turned into some kind of sexual activity (for my benefit) every night up until she got pregnant with the first child, and frequency wasn't quite that high or regular after that, but probably above average overall. I heard some kind of expert on the radio saying it's fairly typical for women not to want to have sex as much initially, in terms of initiating it, but it's not fair to say they have a lower sex drive. They want sex, but it doesn't kick in until the couple start doing something. Occasionally, my wife initiates, but it isn't as direct as I do it. Occasionally, she's gotten out of the shower naked and walked close to me, knowing how I'd react. I suppose that's initiating.
I don't know if I've begged for sex. Maybe I have before back when I was a bit more beta. Nowadays, I might tell my wife I'm going to do her tonight, or that I want to have sex with her tonight or something like that. If she's super tired or not feeling well, I'll usually give her a break and tell her I'll make love to her the next day. If she's upset, chances are it 'aint happening then until she calms down. Over time, my wife has become more submissive, respectful, less likely to argue, easier to calm down.
Maybe there are women out there who just wake up their husbands with sex frequently, meet the guy naked at the door every day after work and pull him into the bedroom. Good for those guys. I think most of the time men are basically the pursuers, and that's probably a normal thing. Women take some time to warm up. So you have to put in a conscious effort. Ask her to meet you at the door when you come home from work. Greet her with enthusiasm and give her a really long kiss. (You can add a tango dip for some flair.) Rub her shoulders when you pass by her. Escalate to grabbing her but and other parts throughout the afternoon. Make sure there are lots of touches. If I really want to have sex with her, I tell her I'm going to have sex with her later in some kind of flirty way, so she'll be expecting it.
One poster said he wants a woman who will have sex with him multiple times a day. Just in terms of statistics, someone up for once a day, even a man past a certain age, is rare. (I don't get why, at least if a I guy is still middle ages or younger.) There are many things about a wife that are super-important besides sex. One of them is that she doesn't have sex or feelings that lead to sex with other people, and so you need a wife committed to being faithful. But there are a lot of personality traits, character traits, values, and her desire to be a hard worker, that are super important in finding a spouse.
If I had it to do over again, right before I proposed, I would more frequently discuss with my wife my need for daily sexual release. I'd set it at double what I needed. Once a day as a young man felt about right. But I could have done 2x a day after marriage. The problem was, work started at 7, so I didn't think to get up and have sex early. That was too early for me. But if I had it to do over again, when marriage was new and my wife would do anything for me, I'd ask for sex or sexual release somehow every morning and night. (We don't have intercourse during her period, and there can be other reasons for breaks.) I'd do twice what I needed so if she resisted and frequency dropped, it would drop to a more comfortable level for me, which would mean less tension in the marriage. But that probably want work if your idea is 7 times a day.
I married a virgin. If you can get a used car and a new car for the same price, why get a used car? If you can get a used toothbrush or a new toothbrush for the same price, why get a used one. If you can get a new condom or a used condom.... that's probably a better analogy.
Of course, if you are a used car, toothbrush, or condom, maybe you need to lower your standards.
As a Christian, I don't believe people should have sex before marriage, and that's why my wife and I were virgins at marriage. We believed the same thing. I suspect women who are virgins at marriage don't have the same issue with having lots of sex before marriage and little after. Obviously not. Frequency could go down after the first year, or after the first baby. But I think some of the girls who live slutty lives have some sort of psychological issue with marriage where they think now they have to be a 'good girl' and since being a bad girl meant having sex before marriage, they think to be like a good mom, or like they think of their own mom, they have to be celibate.
But I'd suspect a lot of girls who wait until marriage think of sex as for marriage, and think of it as something to be explored after marriage. The girl who sleeps around gets excited about the new lover, I assume, and may have a lot of sex with him. The virgin who marries has her husband as the new lover, and the husband has to figure out how to get that momentum of lots of early sex going, and set it as a pattern and expectation in her mind. I wish I'd look at it that way as a new husband. We had a bit of a lull after the first baby. My wife snapped out of it somewhat after I addressed the issue.
How did you know you and your wife would ahve chemistry after marriage if you married a virgin? is she the passionate type? Was there some kind of chemistry you could tell when dating her that made you go immediately that she was the woman you want to marry or was it more like a friendship thing and a bit boring in the start? I really have a hard time figuring out personal chemistry without intmacy. For me id rather be lonely than marry a girl who has no passion or enjoys sex as much as me.
This is why a healthy society must have legal and affordable p4p. There must always be a sexual outlet.
If I ever get married, and my wife stops having sex with me, I will go elsewhere. And of course, I would only marry and live abroad and have nothing to do with the U.S. as far as my marriage would be concerned. I could go to brothels in that city or another, or hop on over to Philippines after a while. No man should tolerate a sexless marriage. It's a testament to the level of manginism in Western societies that sexless marriages are such a huge problem.
I dont know if sexless marriage is a grounds for divorce according to the bible but id be tempted to utilize it with a woman that self centered and boring.
What does Ghost's comment have to do with divorce? He didn't say he would divorce, he said that he would get sex elsewhere which is totally compatible with the Old Testament.
As a man in my 20's (at the time) I had to pay attention to keep my mind from thinking on lustful thoughts. Jesus taught against looking at a woman to lust after her. I'd prayed about that and I think the Lord had done a work in me on that. When I met my wife, maybe it was having that relationship with her, but struggling with lustful thoughts wasn't as big of a struggle, even though our relationship wasn't sex-focused.
There wasn't anything about her that made me think she'd be sexually passionate, although as we got to know each other, I could tell there was some interest and curiosity about sex from a few discussions. We were both virgins and didn't talk about much, though I did say I wanted a once a day frequency. I don't think she remembers that now.
We both sensed that we'd be married after we met. She went home and wrote about it in her prayer journal. I went home and prayed asking if I'd met my wife. We each were seeking to discern God's will about whether this was the one.
Btw, I think with marrying a virgin, if a man marries a woman who is attracted to him, who submits to him and follows him, that's probably a pretty good groundwork for having a good sex life later on, and for having a wife who won't try to have a sex life with someone else.
studies show that virgins have just as much adultery as non virgins after marriage. Id say character and personal chemistry is more important than whether or not she is a virgin. although it would be nice to get a virgin also. She can be the sweetest virgin ever but if she isn't genuinely into you or doesn't have enough character to continue through the marriage she probably will cheat on you (or at least come close).
Do you really believe marrying a gold digging virgin who will leave when she gets a better deal is better than a slut who genuinely loves you and has no ulterior motives? Im not so proud that i can't accept someones previous mistakes.
Last edited by newlifeinphilippines on December 4th, 2014, 1:14 am, edited 2 times in total.