What to find out about a girl before marrying her.

[MrMan]

Religion, Ethics and Morals
I'll add religion in here, too being of the same faith in the US is a determinant of marriages staying together and not ending in divorce. Those who actively attend church, for example, are less likely to divorce than those who claim a particular religion. Having common ground when it comes to beliefs and ethics gives you a basis for both knowing what you should do in your role of husband and wife in marriage. My wife and I are both Christians from a similar church background, which gives us a lot of common ground in our marriage.

You can also ask her about a number of ethical topics.

If she's dishonest, that can be a big issue later on. Does she have a terrible temper? Does she throw plates or knives if she gets angry? Does she get upset over small things? Find this stuff out early.

Sexual Ethics
You need a sexually moral woman, also. If she's a virgin because she believes it is right to save herself for marriage, she is probably less likely to sleep with a man for entertainment _after_ she is married than she would be if she had been sleeping with men for entertainment before marriage. Waiting also shows commitment to marriage. Of course, you would have to show the same sexual ethics or you could be helping her lose some of hers.

As you get to know her, you can also ask about her idea of sexual ethics in marriage. If she believes a wife is supposed to take care of her husband's sexual needs (and vice versa), that is a good thing. I discussed this with my wife. If I had it to do over again, I'd have hammered this out with her in more detail and repeated the topic more. Women can have selective memories of old conversations. We can, too.

Children
How many kids do you want to have? How many does she want to have? They say it is a woman's prerogative to change her mind. If a woman says she doesn't want kids, she may change her mind. You should go into marriage expecting to have them. If you don't want them, try to find a sterile woman or a widow who has a bunch of them already.

If you want to have children and she doesn't, or vice versa... children is a pretty big deal in a marriage.

Commitment to Marriage
I read a post online about a man separated from his wife by the Berlin Wall. He gave her a divorce to free her up, and only got to go see her and her kids after she died and the wall fell down. I found the story a bit appalling. I wouldn't divorce over that, and wouldn't want to have married a woman who agreed that that was okay. I think this is a good story to tell a woman and ask her opinion about the right thing to do. The woman who says she should divorce and remarry gave the wrong answer. If a girl I'd started dating... way back when... thought that was okay and couldn't quickly be deeply persuaded otherwise, she wouldn't have been a proper candidate for marriage.

Family
What is her family like? If she is really respectful to her father, that is good. If you get close to marriage, commend her for the way she treats her father, say you would like your wife to show you that same sort of respect, and for the children to do the same. A woman with no father in the picture or difficulties in the family could still be a good wife if she works through these things and knows how she should act in the family, but it can put her at a disadvantage not having that role model. She could have had other role models, like aunts and uncles.

If a woman is disrespectful to her own parents, that is a huge red flag. Do not think she will be respectful to you after the newness wears off unless she seriously changes. If a girl is a part of a stable, loving family, and she has to defy them to marry you, that is not good either. Why won't she treat you the same way? Loyalty is a good thing in a woman. Develop a good relationship with her parents.

Finances
This is something I hear a lot about Filipinas, but it is also true in Indonesia and many other countries. Traditionally, children take care of parents in their old age in a lot of countries. Not every country has social security. Talk about financial obligations to provide for parents. My wife has sent $70 a month and occasional additional money. I paid the downpayment on my in-laws house when we got married and they paid off the other half. I considered that a bride price in lieu of a more expensive party.

Who is going to control the finances? What are your goals? How does she spend money? Is she thrifty? Look for evidence one way or another? What about giving to others? What about giving to others in non-financial ways? Will she support your goals?

Who Will Do What?
Who is going to do what if you marry? If you marry, does she do all the dishes, floors, laundry, etc., stay home with the babies and you work in the office? Does she do all that and have a full or part-time job? Do you do housework? Do you do outside and she does inside stuff?

Lifestyle Habits
If exercise is important to you, does she share that interest. How does she eat? If she is just a bit pudgy and eats junk food and donuts and doesn't exercise, age may bring on the fate. If you like 'gorditas' you may not care. If you want a thin wife, this may be a big deal.

Hobbies, Likes and Dislikes
Personally, I think it's kind of shallow and stupid to meet a girl who likes the same music and say, "We have so much in common." and think that is a reason to date. If you like the same band, that is a rather superficial similarity. If you hate country and she loves it, choosing a radio station in the car might be a small annoyance, but unless you are co-driving a transfer truck across the country, it may not affect your life much. If you spend 40 hours a week watching sports, though, you may want to check and see if she is okay with that. Usually, hobbies and sports that are not harmful, destructive, or excessively use up time aren't that big of a deal. If there is a hobby or music you really, really hate, I could see how that might be a deal breaker, but they make these things called earphones.

I don't know how I would have handled it if my wife wanted to watch 'The Fifth Element' or the fourth Matrix movie over and over again for years. I am glad she does not watch all that much TV.

Submission
Modern western men may not think much of this, but if you are going across the world to some other country to get a foreign non-western bride, why not get one who will submit to you? Some women are naturally passive and therefore submissive. Or they are submissive because they lack confidence, or they act that way early on but not later. There are disadvantages to having a wife who doesn't have much in the way of opinions, ideas, or direction. Excessive passivity is not an attractive trait.

But even if your wife is a go-getter type, at least if she knows and agrees that she must submit to you, that is a positive thing. That's the situation I am in with my wife. She's got ideas, desires, etc., and isn't afraid to share them with me. But she realizes submitting to her husband is the right thing to do. So in those situations where we cannot come to an agreement, it is my responsibility to make the decision. A wife realizing this can help you when you get stuck. if she knows the right thing to do is for her to obey you, this also helps. This stuff isn't always easy for women. But we do not 'get stuck' often. For us, her submitting to me is a part of our faith. A wife is also supposed to respect/fear/reverence her husband. If your wife realizes it is right for her to submit to you, obey you, and respect you, that goes a long way in helping her have the right mindset toward you.

An advantage for Christians who take Biblical teachings seriously is we have a 'script' for marriage where I am supposed to love her as Christ loved the church, honor her as the weaker vessel, and she is supposed to submit to me, obey me, and respect me. Both husband and wife are not to defraud the other but to 'render due benevolence' in the sexual arena. And we aren't supposed to commit adultery or up and divorce and remarry lest we commit adultery. Having those parameters, if people take them seriously (and live that out empowered by the grace of God) makes for a healthy, stable marriage.

If I were to relive my dating experience and early marriage with my wife, I'd have emphasized submission more. I was probably too nice of a guy early on, and I'd have tried to set the boundaries earlier. I'd have come off a bit more of an 'ogre' about how she would have to obey me in marriage, just so she could have had that weigh heavily on her decision to marry and commitment to that, and then been a nice guy after marriage.

Respect
Think through how you want your wife to treat you with respect. Are certain types of jokes and teasing off limits? What about in front of other people? You can tell stories of your grandma respecting your grandfather, your aunt respecting your uncle, or some stranger if you don't have that in your family. Explain that is what you want in your marriage. You don't want your wife bad-mouthing you to other women. Think about inappropriate behaviors you see in the US of women being disrespectful to men and get her buy-in on the idea that that is bad. If you are taking her back home, prepare her not to accept some of the negative elements of your culture.

Not Leading a Woman On
Try not to break any hearts. Don't sleep with a woman who wants to marry you, then dump her.

If you are first dating a girl, you probably don't want to talk about some of these topics. You can get a general sense of how she is, ask her questions that aren't too intimate, and see if she's wife material. Some questions, like asking 'How do you think we should handle up our finances if we get married?" or "I think a husband should give his wife sex just about any time she wants it, and the wife should do the same for her husband. What do you think about that?" on a second date probably signal way too much interest in marriage early on.

You want to be fair. If you see you aren't going to marry her, break it off early before she gets too heartbroken. If you see her for the fourth time and she punches her dad in the stomach and throws knives at her mom, you might break up with her (by phone might be best in this case). You might share the more marriage-related conversations in proportion with how long you have been together.

On the other hand, overloading her with some of the non-sexual topics early on before either of you are emotionally invested may enable you to break it off early if she is not a good match without hurting her feelings too much. On the other hand, they could stir up too much interest. Try to get a feel for how things are going. You can also interview her friends and family (informally) about what she is like as the relationship progresses.

I had a deal breaker for marriage. I wanted to marry a virgin. I dated a girl for a while, found out she wasn't a virgin, and we broke up. She understood. She was Indonesian, and Indonesian men usually wanted virgins, too. There was another girl when I was in my early 20's who was a friend. I felt an emotional connection with her. It's like I could even feel her emotions across a room sometimes. She was very pretty. But she wasn't a virgin. She'd gotten drunk and gotten raped basically. So I didn't want to date her and break up with her because she wasn't a virgin... because she'd been raped. She was off limits for me for recreational dating, which I knew I shouldn't be doing anyway, especially since I cared about her. Once she asked me if I wanted to take a walk out in the moonlight. We were on a church retreat. I wasn't feeling well and told her that. I could tell she was expressing some romantic interest. I could easily have gone down that route, but was happy I did not pursue it.

Messed up Dating Culture
Our dating culture in the west is really messed up. It's not very marriage-focused like it used to be. A lot of men date women for recreational purposes. If the purpose is fornication, I get it. But if you are wanting to find a wife, financially, it doesn't make sense to date a woman just to have a girlfriend. In terms of using up years of your life when you could have energy to be a father, it doesn't make sense to just date aimlessly. Some men date without having a clear idea in mind of what to look for in a wife. If you date a girl, and you know what you want in a wife, you can vet her to see if she is wife material.

If you go out on the first date and it is not a blind date, she probably meets your criteria for looks. If you have a clear idea of what you want your wife to be like in all the other, honestly more important, areas, then you can find these things out while you are dating and cut bait early if you come across a real deal breaker.

[Outcast9428]

How long do you think couples should date before getting married? For me, I prefer not to wait any longer then a year before making a proposal but I also would worry about marrying earlier then 6 months simply because you see people let their guard down more and more over time and who they are by the 6 month mark isn’t always who they were when they met you.

[MrMan]

How long do you think couples should date before getting married? For me, I prefer not to wait any longer then a year before making a proposal but I also would worry about marrying earlier then 6 months simply because you see people let their guard down more and more over time and who they are by the 6 month mark isn’t always who they were when they met you.

My wife told me later that right before we had our first conversation, the Lord had told her that I was going to be her husband. I had been praying intensely to find my wife and had had a vision of her, but not with enough detail for me to be sure this was her. But I had a sense this might be her. We both tried to feel the other out on this topic on the phone without letting on that we both had a sense of it. I also prayed and got some details about her that she told me the next time we spoke. And by the time I proposed, I was rather convinced. That was just over five months. We spent a lot of time together before we would actually say we were 'dating' and not just friends, maybe a couple of weeks or a month until we were clear that we were a couple. Part of that was a communication barrier. She was afraid I wanted to be 'just friends' and I wanted to clarify that it was kind of ridiculous to not consider what we were doing dating.

We spent nearly every day together for over three months-- dinner just about every night, a couple of meals together on weekends and the time in between. We spent maybe five to seven hours together on weekdays and more on the weekends. We went to church together. We went to events together. I met her relatives. She got integrated into my group of friends. I met some of her friends.

Probably about a month after I proposed, I did the Indonesian version of a proposal-- meeting her parents and planning for the wedding. I had to take a slow long boat ride to meet her parents to do that.

From the time we had our first conversation until we married was just over 10 months.