Advice on a Chinese lady

[GooMacgle]

Appreciate any thoughts from all the Asian women connoisseurs on this board. This is not technically a situation of me considering to move abroad, but it is a situation of me dealing with a lady in China. Will try to make a long story short.

While I am a fairly new poster here, I have read these boards and other boards dealing with international dating for quite some time and probably know more than the average bear about Chinese ladies. For the last 5 years I have dated nothing but Asian women from China, Korea, Vietnam, and Malaysia. Also for both work and pleasure, I have had boots on the ground in China, Korea, Japan, Malaysia, Singapore, Hong Kong, and India in Asia as well as many European and Latin American countries.

Here is the situation in question. Met a beautiful lady from Dandong, China in the Liaoning province on CLL. We emailed, chatted on WeChat, or Skyped every day for about 4 months. She is 40 but looks 30 and has a perfect dancers body from many years of ballet training. She still practices ballet everyday and is as flexible as they come - really a beautiful lady. She is a customs officer at the China-North Korea border and basically has plenty of free time to text and email while she is at work. Apparently being a customs officer is better pay than average in China and also carries a degree of prestige and stability in China. She is bored out of her head on the job but doesn't think she could find a better job in China. She is also frustrated that at her age, no men in China will even give her a second thought, except as a mistress maybe. After four months of daily communications, she offered to fly to the US to see me on her own dime as part of a personal UK / US trip she had planned and she made it to the UK and to the east coast of the US, but unexpectedly had to go back to China because she was being considered for a job promotion and had to go back for the interviews and testing. Later she found out that she came in second for the promotion and did not receive it.

Two months after the failed meeting in the US, I flew to Qingdao to meet her. There really is nothing in Dandong, Qingdao is a nice coastal town that is easy to reach, and she has some family in Qingdao. We spent a week together in Qingdao, had a great time, I met her brother, sister in law, and nephew and they approved, and we decided we wanted to see where the relationship might lead. Two months later, I broke it off after another failed meeting this time in Singapore. There were several red flags that made me break it off:

- Both failed meetings, I had strong evidence that she was meeting other guys which contributed to the failed meetings
- There were a couple of things that she told me that were mostly true, but weren't totally true which came as surprises to me
- She was really quite happy in China with everything except being single so despite saying she would move to the US, I had my doubts
- She is quite cautious about leaving her customs officer job and says it will be difficult/impossible for her to get that job back if she ever left China and then had to go back. Again, more doubts about if she will ever really move to the US.
- Like many Chinese ladies, she is really very attached to her family. She asked if her nephew (12) could move to the US with her if she moved to the US to be with me. The family connection made me question if she would ever really move to the US and if she did move, how long would it be before her whole family was living with us.
- She seemed to hint at times that it would be nice if I moved to China, but I have been very clear from the beginning with her that me moving to China is simply not in the cards.
- She had been to the US before and was disappointed that it was not the land of milk and honey that she envisioned. She was actually a bit anti-America / pro-China in several of her statements which also gave me doubts on her ever moving to the US or being happy in the US.
- Also found out that she was still having a dispute over money with her last American BF where he promised to reimburse her for some expenses that she took on at his request. The ex-American BF was using this situation as a reason to stay "friends" with her, but she claimed she hated him, but did want to receive the reimbursement. The whole situation gave me a bit of pause with her.

After four months now of no communication, she is popping back up on WeChat again and wants to consider visiting me in the US in February. My spidey senses say to pass on the meeting, even though there is a physical side of me that would love to see her again. After the Qingdao meeting, I thought there really might be some potential with her, but too many red flags and frankly too many other beautiful Asian ladies nearby in SoCal without all the long distance issues.

What do you guys think? Should I have her visit in February or not?

[magnum]

SoCal Chinese ladies will never compare to the REAL thing, however.

You can't blame her for seeing other men unless you were IN a relationship, if she was your girl friend at the time, yeah big problem and call it off, if not and you were supposed to be exclusive..pass.

You seem to be rather confadent in your ability to find more women, and in that age range I'd imagine you'll have plenty to pick from, it's far easier dating Chinese girl from the age range of 30+ I'd imagine, and heard from a few guys here.

months of no communication sounds to me like you were the fall back guy, if you can live with that....sure go for it, but I"d personally pass if I had other options, you want to be choice ONE not choice 400, otherwise what's to keep her from changing her mind later?

I think your biggest hurdle will be finding a girl who wants to relocate who's serious about a relationship, it's my opinion that most girls willing to relocate aren't interested in the love aspect quite as much.

Other guys on these forums have far more experience with both women and culture, I'm sure they'll chime in.

[zboy1]

Contrary to the stereotypes, not all Asian females want to go the U.S.A or the West; some are content staying in their home countries. And it sounds like the women is really hesitant to want to leave China.

Are you willing to stay in China, yourself, GooMacgle? Because, if not, I don't think this relationship is going to work-out.

[GooMacgle]

Thanks for the feedback. Seems to confirm my intuition that not having her visit the US is probably the right call here.

magnum - I completely agree with you that the SoCal Asian women are nowhere near as good as the ladies you find in Asia. My experience is that once Asian ladies land in the US, they really start to change for the worst. My problem is that except for Singapore or maybe Malaysia, I don't see myself living in Asia long term, so my choices seem to be find a lovely Asian lady in Asia who is willing to relocate to the US and take my chances that the US relocation won't change her personality OR find a lovely Asian lady in the US who has already relocated, but hasn't lost her wonderful native Asian qualities. I have tried both avenues and I'm still working on it.

zboy1 - I agree with you that not all Asian females want to move to the US or the West. Many are so attached to their families that moving to the US is really tough for them. Also I'm convinced that for the ones who do relocate, the Asian women they meet in the US and ultimately become friends with are a big part of the reason why they change for the worst once in the US. My Dandong lady really is quite happy in China, except for the fact that she realizes that she will be single forever if stays in China. She says that she would rather find someone to live the rest of her life with even if it means moving from China. When I press her on whether she really wants to leave China or not, she admits that her first choice would be to find a Chinese guy, but she gives this a near zero percent chance of ever happening. Her experience with Chinese men has not been very good, in fact she has had some rather horrible experiences with Chinese men. She also admits that it would be great if she could find a western guy who would move to China, but she realizes that this is a tall order, particularly to Dandong - not many guys want to be able to say that they can see North Korea out of their backyard window. So she has resigned herself to the fact that she will just move to wherever her husband is located which she says is the Chinese custom anyway. Also while she really is a beautiful lady at 40 and easily looks 10 years younger, she believes her looks will fade over time and she wants to find a husband now before her fading kicks in.

I also agree that despite our daily convos at one point, I seemed to be a fall back option for her which is not exactly where I want to be. My guess is that her other options fizzled out and she is now trying to see how much fire is left in my tank. My issue isn't necessarily about her exploring her other options, but more the lack of honesty about it which led me to lose some time and money when two of our previous meeting attempts failed. She seemed to either not understand or just be cavalier about the time and expense that goes into planning international trips and the difficulty of just changing everything on the fly at the last minute. Probably a little bit of the "all Americans are rich" thinking going on. Whether I'm rich or not, I don't like to waste my time or my money particularly when the cause is due to a lack of complete honesty. When I couple that with some other situations where she did not tell me the complete truth, I don't like the pattern.

Anyway, appreciate the thoughts.

[xiongmao]

So many red flags there. Anti-American, dated Western dudes before, wants to move family away from China and maybe a corrupt official as well [how DID N Korea get all that missile tech?].

[Taco]

There's a reason she's 40 and still single, you don't want to find out why, she has "issues".

[Bao3niang]

If you really want to get the best, you just HAVE to move to China. No way around that. Seems like too many people on this forum are only concerned about women and not actually living life abroad.....

[Dragon]

There's a reason she's 40 and still single, you don't want to find out why, she has "issues".

Now that's unfair to her. She's just a strong, independent woman with a great career that just hasn't found the right man yet.