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American Girl's guide to dating Korean men

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American Girl's guide to dating Korean men

Post by momopi » July 3rd, 2008, 2:14 am

1. KISS UP TO HIS MOTHER! This is one of the most important rules to dating a Korean man. His mother influences his life in a very real way, so be nice to her. Or else she can make your life an eternal hell (no joking about this one).
2. Try to be thin. Almost every American woman that lives in Korea is FAT and UGLY. Sorry girls but you are. So try to stay as much as you can from this stereotype.
3. Go the 2002 World Cup with your face painted like the Korean flag.
4. Play games. If you know how great but if you don't LEARN. Starcraft, Broodwar, Lineage, PUMP and DDR. This is in order not to embarrass him at the arcade, if you do he will secretly resent you for the rest of his life. Besides you might really enjoy Half-Life.
5. Make fun of Japan OFTEN
6. Talk about how superior Tae Kwon Do is to every other martial art.
7. LOVE HIS CAR. It doesn't matter if it is a Porsche, or a fixed up Honda, you must to at least pretend that there isn't a funny smell coming from the seats. Flattery really works.
8. Learn to drink A LOT. Soju is the most powerful shit that you can actually put into your system legally. Don't be a weak drinker and Jack Daniels. Trust me if you can drink at least 2 bottles you are fine. Plus it will impress his friends. DO NOT drink Soju unprepared, or you are going to be puking till next Thursday.
9. Learn at least some of the language. Learning Kamsa-ham needa or Anyoung will make him very happy. Especially in restaurants, it will make him look good. Learning how to say saranghae will make him feel extra special too!
10. KIMCHI, love it or leave him. Its a Korean staple..some Kimchi may burn your mouth off but you'll get used to it. You have to realize that Korean food is spicy as hell and you gotta learn to love the feeling of your tongue melting into your throat.
11. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO YOU PUT YOUR CHOPSTICKS INTO THE RICE STICKING UP. Just don't ok? If you are really bold do it in front of his parents more than once.
12. Go to Korea during New Years. 3 main reasons, first is FREE MONEY, second is free alcohol and third is FREE MONEY.
13. Size doesn't matter, its how you use it. Just keep telling him that.
14. Be a computer/math/science/ nerd. He'll love you forever.
15. Try not to say Don't go. Roughly in Korean it means asshole. AND really don't shout this at him if you are IN Korea.
16. Pretend to love his singing voice. Especially his drunk karaoke ballands, because he is singing them to you. Pretend to be swept off your feet, he'll love that.

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Post by momopi » July 3rd, 2008, 2:16 am

You know you're Korean when...

1. The furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations or any of the rest of the furniture.
2. You have rocks, sticks, leaves, deer antlers, and strange smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use in medicine.
3. You own a rice cooker or two.
4. You buy soy sauce by the gallon.
5. Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.
6. You live with your Hal-moh-nee.
7. You parents own a liquor store, dry cleaner, or some kind of discount store.
8. You drive a lowered, fixed up Integra, eclipse, or some kind of Honda.
9. You never tip over 15%.
10. You hate Denny's, even though you go there 24-7.
11. You love Sanrio stuff.
12. You have a pager.
13. You do that twirling thing with you pen.
14. You always have a box of Sapporo Ichiban ramyun or Yook-eh-jang.
15. Even though your family isn't super rich, you own a Mercedes or Lexus.
16. You bring home all A's and one B, and your parents yell, "Why did you get a B?"
17. There is a 75% chance that you'll marry someone with the same last name .
18. White people always say, "Say my name in Korean!"
19. When you have a family gathering, 50 little kids are running around your house, and YOU have to entertain them.
20. You can't stand Margaret Cho (that actress on All American Girl).
21. When the bill comes, you practically beat each other up- saying that YOU'LL pay for the bill.
22. When you were in Junior High, you were either a nerd or a little "kkang ppeh" wannabe.
23. Your parents say, "The reason why we came to America was so that you could get a good education, so go to Harvard."
24. You either have to be a doctor, lawyer, or some big-time business tycoon.
25. Your parents say, "1600 isn't that hard... just study."
26. When some mega-mega nerd student is in the Korean newspaper, your parents say, "why can't you be like him?"
27. If you're a guy, then you always have to put up with the "20 questions" game when you call a girl if her parents answer but if you're smart, you ask, "Um hello? Is Bob there?
28. No matter how well your parents speak English, they can't say "wood."
29. Your dad hits you in the head with his knuckle, and it hurts REALLY REALLY bad.
30. Your parent's idea of a social life is church.
31. You have a container full of Kim-Chee in your fridge right now.\
32. You own a pair of BYC socks.
33. You or your parents start singing when drunk.
34. You have the Asian decals stuck to your car.
35. Your parents are still shorter than you.
36. You call a Korean older than you "Oppah" or "noona."
37. You make daily stops to the local "Hello Kitty" store.
38. You know the "san-toki" song.
39. Your dad owns plaid pants.
40. You or your parents hand wash underwear.
41. "No-Rae Bang" is a common household word.
42. There's a bottle of Soju in your parents' fridge.
43. Your main source of income is New Years.
44. Your parents think anything goes with rice.
45. The rice you eat can stick to anything.
46. You can't believe your parents could have conceived children.
47. Your parents still spank you, even when you move out.
48. Failing a class means finding a new place to live.
49. Your mom rents Korean soap operas and watches them daily.
50. You have naked baby pictures of you.
51. Your parents read the labels of everything to see if it was made in Korea.
52. When you were little, relatives used to grab your genitals or breasts.
53. Your parents yell out your Korean name REAL loud in public places.
54. Ramen is the fifth food group.
55. You have to translate for your parents when ordering fast food.
56. Your parents are afraid of black people.
57. Your parents bought a gun after the L.A. riots.
58. Your parents used to cut your hair Okidoki.
59. You tell your parents you need to buy glue for school, but they reply, "just use rice!"
60. Your parent's idea of a social life is church.
61. People ask, "Hey, show me some Jackie Chan moves!".
62. When someone points you out, they say "that one Chinese girl (or guy)."
63. Your parents were ecstatic when the 88 Olympics were held in Korea.
64. You know how to do the "kimchi squat."
65. If you're a guy- you talk about fixing up the car that you will never have.
66. Even though you can't watch TV, your parents rent a million Korean videos and watch them continuously for hours on end.
67. Your parents took the TV out of the house.
68. Your mom sings chan-son-gahs (hymns) while driving.
69. Your grandmother sings chan-son-gahs really loud, while pounding her thigh, which is TOTALLY off beat.
70. You have a million black leather bibles.
71. Even though your parents are die-hard Christians, they don't want you getting TOO involved with church.
72. When you ask your parents if you can go out, they either reply "No" or "hmph" which means yes.
73. You go out two Fridays in a row, and they yell that you go out too much.
74. You have one of those silver kimhi-ttongs with buckles on the sides.
75. You have a gazillion small containers in your fridge with a different ban-chan inside. but even though it smells pretty raunchy, you still eat it.
76. When an Asian girl with a white guy (or vice versa) walks by, your parents STARE at them with their eyes popping out.
77. When you go to buffets, your parents make you eat until you think you're going to hurl, and even after you do, they say, "good, eat more."
78. Your parents yell at you for being short, but they're the ones that gave you the short genes.
79. Your parents raise their hand as if they're going to hit you, and you totally shudder, shrinking back.
80. The main reason why you want to go to college out of state is that you can get away from your parents.
81. When you go to church retreats, you long for some good ol' Korean cooking.
82. You have the ability to tell the different Asians apart (i.e. Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese).
83. You go to American restaurants, and your dad eats really wide and rudely, so you put your head down while whispering, "apppaaahhhhh stooopp!"
84. Your parents make you work at their business (i.e. liquor store, cleaners, discount store).
85. You bring home a white friend, and your parents immediately think that he/she sleeps around, uses drugs, and parties 24-7.
86. Your parents have absolutely no color sense, wearing totally mismatched clothes.
87. Your parents verbally abuse you, even when joking around.
88. Your parents never attended your Back to School Night or Open House at school.
89. Your mom is the BEST cook!
90. When your mom hears or watches something sad, she'll make this repeated sound really fast like "tte" a million times a minute.
91. When you're sick, your mom will pink inside of your elbow REALLY hard, saying you have a digestion problem or something.
92. Your parents were supposed to get a divorce many times, but they never did for the children's sake, financial problems, or simply because,
"what would we tell church people?"
93. Your parents will be helping you with a math problem, but when you get something wrong, they'll start yelling and swearing at you so loud, as if you just committed some deadly crime.
94. Summer does not mean playtime to your parents. Summer means-bust out those workbooks so you can get ahead in class!
95. Kumon is a household word.
96. Whenever guests come over, your parents make you whip out your
violin/piano skills.
97. When guests are leaving your house, you have to stand outside your house saying bye to them, not to mention bowing a gazillion times.
98. You'll go to a movie with your parents, and afterwards, they'll say "I don't understand."
99. Your parents never participated in the "American" traditions of Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy. You'll say, "Where's Santa Claus?" and they'll reply, "Santa Claus! Ptch! He's dead!" And then you'll start crying.
100. When you had your first loose tooth, your parents promised to not to pull it out but just to LOOK at it, but when they did, they just yanked the baby out.
101. You'll buy a shirt full price, and your parents will yell, "What! You could have bought that for $2 at the swap meet!"
102. You're going out with a friend and your parents need to know their name, where they live, their phone #, what their parents do for a living, what kind of grades they get, what they got on their SATs, how they dress, if they go to church, and if they're male or female.
103. After you're get off the phone with someone from the opposite sex, your parents will start interrogating you about that person (except the last one). You'll talk to someone from the opposite sex two days in a row, and your parents immediately think there's something going on.
104. You bring home straight As, and your parents say, "So? You're supposed to get that!"
105. When I was in Korea...."
106. When you get a car, the only places you're supposed to go is school, the library, and maybe the grocery store to do grocery shopping for them.
107. When the doorbell rings, your parents get ALL suspicious and prohibit you from answering it. When they do answer it, they'll open the crack like 1 centimeter and speak through that. And if it's a salesperson, they'll slam the door screaming, "we no interest!"
108. Your mom will laugh with her hand covering her mouth.
109. You'll be somewhere with your boyfriend/girlfriend, and then you'll see an adult from church, so you immediately start freaking out.
110. You had to miss out on Saturday morning cartoons as a child, attending dreaded Korean School.
111. While on long car trips, your parents will get bored, so they'll think about something that bugs them, and start bugging you. (i.e., Why is your room so messy! Why do you always fight with your siblings! Why do you always go out so much!)
112. You have a mini-van which your mom drives.
113. Your parents will be yelling at you (or each other) and in the middle of all the raucus, will close the windows so that the neighbors won't hear.
114. You never feed your dog dog food but all your leftovers.
115. You'll be cooking kalbi outside, and neighbors will ask what the aroma is.
116. You think EVERYTHING is racial, like if someone is mildly rude to you.
117. When a fixed up Japanese car drives by, you can't help but look to see who's driving.
118. You go to church retreats to meet people from the opposite sex.

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Post by momopi » July 3rd, 2008, 2:20 am

You might be married to a Korean if...

* You own two refrigerators, and one is just used for storing Kimchee.
* She gets upset if you refer to the above as the Kimchee Box.
* She gets upset if you put anything other than Kimchee in the Kimchee Box.
* She lacks common sense, or for the politically correct: Faulty Logic.
* You have more than one type of Kimchee.
* She assures you that the meat bought in the open market is better, even if it still has the AAFES tag on it.
* Believes that any product bought in the open market is better, even if it still has the AAFES tag on it.
* She has 101 uses for Soju.
* She uses Soju as a cleaning product.
* She uses Soju for medical purposes. (Disinfectant.)
* She will go to an American restaurant to eat Korean Food and insists that it tastes better than served in a Korean restaurant.
* She believes wearing platform shoes is sexy.
* She wears a mini skirt in the winter, then complains that it is cold.
* The main ingredient in the food you eat at home is garlic.
* She eats non-Korean food with Kimchee.
* She won't eat spoiled food, but does not have a problem with Kimchee.
* You own a dining room table that is less than 1 foot high.
* You own more chopsticks than you do forks and spoons.
* She doesn't drink tap water until after it's been boiled, but she'll make ice with it.
* She thinks fish head soup is a delicacy.
* You can not watch TV on Mondays because the puzzle show is on.
* You can not watch TV on Sunday because Super Sunday is on.
* You don't rent videos unless they are subtitled.
* A meal is not complete without Kimchee.
* She won't eat American food unless served with a side of Kimchee.
* She believes that the floor is more comfortable to sleep on than the bed.
* You have an electric blanket on 356 days a year.
* You turn on a fan in the summer but still have the electric blanket on.
* You burn your butt sitting on the floor.
* You believe that controlled drugs can be bought over the counter.
* You go to the pharmacy to buy an IV.
* You do not own any chairs in your house.
* You refuse to own any Japanese products in your house.
* The only thing she knows how to do on your computer is play solitaire.
* Everyone she introduces you to is either a brother or a sister.
* Her immediate family moves into your house permanently.
* Everything in your house either has the logo Samsung or LG.
* She can't buy clothes unless they have a logo on them.
* She owns a beeper/pager that has a gold chain attached to it.
* She gets mad when you flush toilet paper down the toilet.
* She won't buy clothes from a store that is going out of business because she believes there is something wrong with the clothes.
* She believes that 1000 Won is enough money for lunch.
* She believes going out to dinner is going down the street to the Soju tent.
* You eat Ramen and kimchee for breakfast.
* You go to the open market to buy one thing and leave with both arms full.
* You own more than one type of Ramen in your house.
* She believes that Ramen, Rice, Soju, and Kimchee are the 4 basic food groups.
* You answer the phone in your house with "YOBO-SAY-O."
* You heat a dried squid over an open flame.
* You eat dried squid with mayonnaise.

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Post by momopi » July 3rd, 2008, 2:22 am

You know you've been in Korea too long if...

1. You are immune to the smell of "the kimchi breath."
2. You no longer come to a complete stop at the stop sign and you never yield the right-of-way.
3. You can pick up a single strand of noodles with chopsticks.
4. You ask for more "ko-chu" because the kimchi-chige soup is not hot enough.
5. You enjoy slurping your noodles as loudly as you can.
6. Your back is sore from bowing.
7. You walk down the street holding hands with your buddy.
8. You ask your wife to stand outside with a baseball bat to protect your public parking space in front of the house.
9. You can eat barefooted in a restaurant with a foot in your lap.
10. You can cut in at the front of the line of waiting people with the best of them.
11. You look forward to winter in your off post housing so you can store beer and frozen foods in your bedroom or bathroom.
12. You can fall asleep on the city bus and wake up at your stop.
13. You can shovel in an entire bowl of rice and half a course of Bulkogi into your mouth before you swallow.
14. You rather watch local TV than AFKN.
15. You can make a left turn looking only to the right.
16. You can convert any US unit measurements into metric measurements in your head.
17. You look forward to Chusok and the Lunar New Year each year.
18. You think that Korea's greatest natural resource is good looking young women.
19. You only lock your door if there are lots of "Mi-gooks" around.
20. People ask if you want to go by car and you respond, "No, I'm in a hurry."
21. Someone says, "Bed," and you think "Yol."
22. You realize that it is safer to "J" walk than use a pedestrian crosswalk.
23. You wear white socks with a dark suit.
24. You can use a public bathroom for both genders and think nothing of it.
25. You know every interchange on the Seoul-Pusan Expressway by heart.
26. You know all the words to the Korean National Anthem and you enjoy singing it.
27. You don't need a restroom to relieve yourself.
28. You crawl back into your house to get your coat, rather than take your shoes back off and walk on the floor with shoes on.
29. You bow at inanimate objects.
30. You walk around humming the tune the crosswalk signal lights play.
31. You enjoy shopping at a local open market place more than Main PX or Commissary.
32. Someone says breakfast, you think of "fish, soup and seaweed."
33. You'd rather sit on the floor than in a chair.
34. You start believing that you can blend into a large crowd of Koreans.
35. All your shoes are bent flat in the back.
36. You let your eyes be drawn towards any female whose hair isn't black.
37. You answer the phone by saying "yoboseyo," and sometimes even at the office.
38. Someone says "mansion" and you think of a two bedroom flat in a 400-unit apartment building.
39. You mutter "Aigu" when lifting a heavy objects.
40. You suck in air through your teeth before saying "no" to anything.
41. You start growling and spitting inside your mouth to add emphasis to what you are about to say.
42. You can convert Hangul into English without repeating it to yourself first.
43. You always wave your left hand to signal you are going to cut in front of another driver without looking first.
44. You select shoes based on how easily you can get them on and off.
45. You answer "Nhe" even when speaking English to non-Korean friends.
46. You carry chopsticks in your back pocket.
47. You enjoy putting lots of red pepper sauce on your salads or French-fries.
48. You don't freak out when the salad arrives with octopus legs still wiggling on top of it.
49. You are not embarrassed when old ladies are standing in a bus while you are sitting down.
50. You like OB or Crown better than Bud or Miller.

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