Confessions of a reformed racist

[MarcosZeitola]

Today I was accused by someone of being "politically correct" which is absolutely ridiculous to me, considering my own personal history and previous viewpoints. You see, I used to hold certain views that I am now almost ashamed of. In my teenage years I was a racist and I held various racist views. I am a white guy and the area in which I live has seen a lot of immigrants from mostly African and Arab countries. The us-versus-them mentality was played into heavily by conservative and populist politicians. Money on foreign aid was cut and the flow of immigrants greatly lessened as their influence grew. Anti-Islamic feelings became commonplace, especially after a few political murders.

As a young boy this got to me. I shaved my head, started lifting and felt infinitely superior to all those "lower people". I started believing in ideas of racial superiority and theories of racial pride. I read quotes from George Lincoln Rockwell, Malcolm X and David Duke. I became a history buff and got into historical revisionism. The idea that simply because I belonged to a certain race, I was somehow worth more then other people appealed to my youthful self and my search for an identity. Some men in my family and personal life held certain views and as I looked up to them greatly, every disparaging comment they made about Africa or the black race pushed my beliefs further into an extremist corner of the political spectrum.

I also watched the news a lot and my opinion changed even more... I made friends with a Middle Eastern guy who was into Pan-Arabism and who greatly disliked Jews. I asked him why and he told me about the Israel-Palestine situation which made me convinced those Jews were a bunch of bastards. My new friends told me they believed the Jews pitted black against white, Muslim against Christian and East against West in some sort of sick political game of divide and conquer, and I ate it like sweet pie. I began commenting on things on the internet, reading into the material and discussing it with others all around the world, sucking me deeper and deeper into this wormhole of irrational hatred and fear-mongering.

When I was nineteen I worked as a dishwasher in a restaurant, to make some spare money for the summer. There I met a biracial girl, black father, white mother. She was seventeen and very flirty. Her skin was the color of coffee with a lot of milk and she had fine features. Muscular legs and a firm and prominent booty. she was shapely, but in great shape. We talked during our breaks, a lot. About her parents, and mine. About life in general. Sometimes when I went home we cycled the same direction for a while until she reached her home, sometimes when I went to work we cycled together as well. We got even more flirty. One night we kissed outside the building, and I asked her on a date. I remember sitting on the terrace with her, in the sunny weather. I was so turned on by her, but also terrified at the same time for one of my friends to spot me. I was beginning to realize how silly my views were...

Things escalated. She made me crazy with her eyes, her lips, her body. Her dimples, her long hair. We went to a place out in nature built for birdwatchers but almost always abandoned, and there we f***ed. This went on for about a week. I quit my job and cut contact with her, it just got too weird. I left home to go to college and focused on my studies. But I couldn't forget about it. Her body was amazing. She laughed about my jokes, made me feel so good about myself. But she wasn't white, so I was supposed to think of her as "less" then me. Something I knew I never could. It was all so weird, I was torn up inside. I anonymously confessed my conflicted feelings on the internet. I was called a "race traitor", "disgusting" and all sorts of nasty and unnecessary things. The pure amount of vitriol and hatred they spewed onto me shocked me. On the internet I had always considered myself among the moderates, a "race realist" and not a "real racist". Suddenly even those I thought were reasonable before, lashed out at me in the most extreme of ways. What also struck me was the hypocrisy, once again. Asian girls were okay to them but black girls were "closer to monkeys" and "disgusting", "filthy people". Isn't all forms of race mixing equally bad, I asked? "No!" they wrote back, anger shining through their every word, "black people are the lowest!" and things like that. Some Asians were also better then others. Japanese were "honorary Aryans" after all, whereas Filipinos and Indians were lower then low in their view.

I began to distance myself from their ideology, their views were too extreme for me. The amount of hatred thrown my way had shocked and appalled me. I moved on from what had happened... I never loved the girl, what I felt for her was purely physical in nature. I never even knew what love was. How it felt, how it tasted, how it changes a man. I was cynical about love and life in general and the crowds with which I used to hang no doubt changed my outlook on life in a multitude of ways. Their pessimism rubbed off on me, their fatalism got to me. It shaped me into the person I then became, as much as I hate that person now.

It wasn't until later that the last remaining parts of my inner racist died at last. I suppose most of us have went through phases in life that we were less proud of, and this was mine... for all those years I felt enlightened and it wasn't until much later that I realized that I never had been 'enlightened' in any way; rather, I had been blind. I made new friends with more liberal views, although some of the most liberal and open-minded people still had certain prejudices and others still had remaining traditionalist beliefs. I myself held on to these too, unwilling to surrender ever part of myself. I grew lonelier as time went by and the hedonistic life I lived as a student began to tire me out. Conversations were shallow, alcohol abundant and parties seemed to never end. I woke up with a strange chick and a weird buzz in my ear that didn't leave me for days to come. Some days I felt sore and raw, my head hurting like a soldier who had the misfortune of having a grenade explode right next to his ear. So I asked myself the age-old question: "is this it?" and the answer was: no.

My political beliefs remained unique, my opinions still were far from mainstream but racism simply wasn't for me anymore. And when I met the girl who now is my wife, the last remaining parts of my old self died the very moment I realized I loved her. You cannot be in love with someone of a different ethnicity then your own and remain a racist. You cannot consider yourself superior to the one you love most, especially not if marrying such a person and choosing a life together mean your kids will be mixed. I accepted this fact and felt as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders. We shared the same views, we had the same values and wanted the same things out of life. We could make politically incorrect jokes with one another, rip off feminism together and laugh all night. Now we are married and we have a daughter, in who's veins flows the blood of many different people from many different countries. A baby girl with light brown eyes that melt my heart. When those eyes stare into mine and I see how they look into the world so full of surprise and amazement, how can I ever consider myself superior? How can I hold on to such idiotic beliefs?

I was racist once, when I was young. And though I am still young I feel as if I aged decades and lived many lives. And they all led me to this one moment of perfect peace and solitude, of genuine love, of devotion and happiness. A fullness and completeness the likes of which I have never experienced has come over me, and I am, for once, fully at peace with myself and my surroundings.

If you want to go abroad and build a new life, you cannot be racist and you cannot consider yourself superior to those you meet. So what if you make more money! It's pure economy and it does not make you better. So what if your country accomplished more then hers, it's chances are at one point yours held hers down. Don't ever, for one second, think you are "better" then her, you aren't. If you feel that way find another girl or just stay in whatever miserable hole in the ground you came crawling from. Accept that their will always be differences between you and other people, and that if there were no differences the world would be boring as hell. Embrace those differences but remember to stop and think every once in a while: different does not mean better.

We only live once, as far as I know. Bow for no man, bow for no woman. Don't look down upon others, nor revere others too much. Try to be open-minded and on equal footing with one another. Be dynamic, be flexible, and don't fear a bit of change every once in a while. Dare throw yourself in an adventure, to start the first chapter of a book you don't know the ending of. Accept the fact that sometimes, everything you think is wrong and everything you've grown up believing isn't as black and white as you think it is. Realize that every day you waste feeling superior to another group of people, that other group of people goes out with no such misconceptions and simply has a good time. And that at the end of the day, those who of us who hold racist beliefs, no matter what their color or background is, will always be miserable and misunderstood.

The world is far too beautiful a place to spend your days in it being angry and bitter. It has far too many beautiful girls of all sorts of ethnicities for you not enjoy. Why limit yourself?

Go and step outside and leave your prejudices at the door. You close and never open it again. Then go and find a place that truly makes you happy, and call this place home. That's how a man lives a good life.

[Mr.Darcy]

I agree, it's a waste of energy and it's detrimental. Insecurity at its best.

[DanielleNguyen]

I like the way you think. At least your honest. It may be the pregnancy hormones talking but the way you talked about your wife made me cry. As for other ppls judgements, you can't change someone's hatred.

[zboy1]

Great post! But I think a lot of the White posters here aren't going to like what you wrote, to be honest, MarcosZeitola.

That goes for the Black and Asian supremacists on the forum as well...

[DanielleNguyen]

I'm white and I liked it. He is being honest about his feelings. And maybe he has the strength to face the haters.

[MarcosZeitola]

I agree, it's a waste of energy and it's detrimental. Insecurity at its best.

Exactly. I am glad I realized it on time before it ruined my mindset for good.

Great post! But I think a lot of the White posters here aren't going to like what you wrote, to be honest, MarcosZeitola.

Let them dislike it, I don't care. I would be a lot more interested in seeing someone go through it bit by bit and try to refute the things I said on not only a factual, but a personal and emotional basis. Something I doubt they will be able to do. I know the ideas and theories behind it, the arguments most commonly used to support such beliefs and honestly, none of it is particularly convincing.

This goes for the Black and Asian supremacists on this forum as well...

I haven't encountered them yet (thankfully!) but I heard somewhere a few of them already got banned from the forums before? From my own personal experience I can conclude Black, Asian and Middle-Eastern people can be just as racist if not more racist then many white supremacists. It's the exact same mindset hidden in a different coat and with different terminology but it ultimately all boils down to: "You are different then me and that frightens me, so I will mask my irrational, all-consuming fear with irrational, all-consuming anger".

[DanielleNguyen]

He's got a point there

[Cornfed]

You meet some shapely mulatta who doesn't exhibit much TNB (that you saw) and conclude just from that that blacks are just like white people? That is really stupid, and in the coming years stupidity will be a luxury we can no longer afford.

[MarcosZeitola]

You meet some shapely mulatta who doesn't exhibit much TNB

What is 'TNB'?

and conclude just from that that blacks are just like white people?

I described a more gradual process, of which in typical Cornfed fashion you picked out a single element to comment on.

That is really stupid, and in the coming years stupidity will be a luxury we can no longer afford.

You are very focused on "the coming years" which is why you choose to sit on your butt and do nothing, waiting for "the coming years" to come?

[Cornfed]

What is 'TNB'?

Typical nigger behavior.

You are very focused on "the coming years" which is why you choose to sit on your butt and do nothing, waiting for "the coming years" to come?

Forming alliances online is not doing nothing. Like I said, I've lived and worked abroad for years. Currently though I am recuperating from an injury.

[MarcosZeitola]

Typical nigger behavior.

Classy.

Forming alliances online is not doing nothing.

Who are you forming alliances with, and for what purpose? That sounds interesting.

Like I said, I've lived and worked abroad for years. Currently though I am recuperating from an injury.

What injury, you choked on your burger when some black or latino dude knocked up another white model?

[DanielleNguyen]

TNB sounds like a type of sandwich.

[KokujinKrusader]

TNB sounds like a type of sandwich.

Tomatoes, Niggas, and Bacon. New from KKKFC. We do chicken white, but wait until you try our bacon, that's sure to keep them muslims and jews away!

[DanielleNguyen]

hmmm turkey nectarine burgers now at hardees.

[MarcosZeitola]

TNB sounds like a type of sandwich.

Tomatoes, Niggas, and Bacon. New from KKKFC. We do chicken white, but wait until you try our bacon, that's sure to keep them muslims and jews away!

'Twas quite a tasty f*cking burger I must say!