Dating Middle Class Filipinas?

[Johnny1975]

If you said...

* What's the absolute minimum that you, if you were single, could send to your parents, without them thinking "is this all we're getting?"
* Let's split that 50/50. You contribute half and I contribute half

...would that be ok?

[mentor]

For ANY guy that is serious about marrying a filipina, you NEED to add $200-$300 into your monthly budget for her to send back home. I know quite a few filipinos (male and female) and I can't think of any that don't send money back home to the family. It's just part of the deal! Better to account for it than not. If it's a deal breaker then time to pursue a different avenue.

I have to keep these words in mind.


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This issue might be the hardest one to navigate for a Westerner. There is no absolute answer and once you are married to a Filipina you will be dealing with this in some way. Every couple has to decide what they want to do and can afford to do. Contrary to some of the guys who claim they only hang out with wealthy or middle class Pinays, most Filipino families are poor - it's only a matter of the degree of poverty. As Marcos said, she will want to help her family.

Now that you are in love and married you have to recognize this. But how to help the family; there are as many ways as there are couples out there. Some couples decide to send a monthly allowance; the guy may pay or it gets paid out of the wife's earnings in the West. I know other couples who only contribute for emergencies - but then it's an issue of how you define an emergency. I know several guys who claim they pay nothing, but I tend not to believe them. If their MIL is in the hospital needing surgery that she cannot afford - is the couple going to let her die?

Here's what I would say:

1. Hope that the family is a good one that doesn't just want your money; make it clear to the family and your wife that you are not a "rich kano," even though compared to them you are.
2. Avoid "inflation". You don't want a situation where you are paying $200/month today, 300 next year and 500 the year after. In some families greed can take over.
3. Don't be overly generous. I know guys who try to elevate the family to Western standards and end up either broke or with everyone resentful.

Here's a recent experience I may have already shared. A few week back, Janet's uncle died unexpectedly. The family was devastated. While we never got a request to "help" with the funeral, I knew Janet would want to help. Eventually she broached the question. We did some research on the cost of funerals in the Philippines; just as everywhere else they can go from cheap to expensive. Janet and I threw around a figure of 10k (under $250) that we were willing to contribute and we agreed to split the payment. Janet talked to her mother that night and proposed the contribution. Her mother said it was too much. In the end we sent 8k (about $180). So we did help, as did the rest of the family.

Expect to help the family but surely you can determine with your wife how that will happen.

Very balanced approach, thanks! I think it will help me.

[mentor]

I wanted to spend a bit more time on this topic of sending money back home. Trust me, this entire concept was new to me as well and it was quite the paradigm shift of how things are done here in the West.
In certain Asian countries, it's the responsibility of the kids to take care of their parents. This is done by the kids whether they stay in said country or leave. The obligation to help the family is omnipresent and never goes away. But this ties in with the Asian culture. This a cooperative/group thinking society where family is first. They don't subscribe to the sense of rugged individualism like we do here in the West and when the kids leave the family roost, the pressure to help the family begins!

This can and usually is a shock to any kano who is looking to dip his fishing pole into an Asian fishing pole. It's something that we aren't used to and of course it's a bit shocking at first. But upon further thought and review (if you choose to go this route), it's YOU that need to retrain your thought process and not her.

You've all heard the saying, "happy wife...happy life" right? Well if you bring over a Filipina and you do manage to send that $200-$300 family fund, guess what? She's going to be happy. Pretty much her biggest obligation as an Asian child will be satisfied. So the rest is gravy! She'll proudly look at you and think to herself, "he's a keeper because he's a good provider." It will be a bonding experience for the two of you. In fact, she'll be reluctant to ever leave you because there is no guarantee that the next guy will be willing to send the "family funds."

The guys that will NEVER find happiness abroad are those guys that selfish. Selfish guys are always single guys. I can't stress this enough. So don't be one of those guys!

These thoughts are very helpful.
What is 'kano'?

[mentor]

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I can also understand now, the topic starter, starting this topic for middle-class filipinas.
A middle class filipina, will come from a middle class family.
So, the chances are that you do not have to send them money.

[davewe]

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I can also understand now, the topic starter, starting this topic for middle-class filipinas.
A middle class filipina, will come from a middle class family.
So, the chances are that you do not have to send them money.

Not quite
So, now we have come full circle. I always hear this "find a middle class Filipina" argument and crack up. Let me hit a few points:

1. Depending on how you define it, the middle class is small in the Philippines and the chance that your 20-something girl is middle class is small.
2. More importantly is how we define middle class. It is not like in the West. If a guy with a family in the Philippines makes the equivalent of $1000/month - he's middle class. He can afford a modest home, owns a motorbike or used car, and if he saves can send his kids to a cheap college. That's middle class in the Philippines; it's not exactly my middle class life.
3. Even more importantly is what Pete was explaining about the cultural requirement to help the family. This "requirement" isn't just based on poverty. It's hardwired into their culture. My friend's wife does not come from a poor family. On the contrary - dad is stinking rich. While she doesn't send money home to her parents, she does help nieces and nephews and cousins. And she lays expensive gifts on many family members. Despite her father's wealth she has the same feelings as a poor Pinay about being a new American and "helping." BTW, if you ask her she will tell you her father is merely a simple businessman

So, do not think if you end up with a "middle class" Filipina it will mean she doesn't want to help her family.

[pete98146]

^^^ Great post Dave! Mentor, "kano" is the term that Filipinos call us. Means Americano shorted to "kano."

[OutWest]

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I can also understand now, the topic starter, starting this topic for middle-class filipinas.
A middle class filipina, will come from a middle class family.
So, the chances are that you do not have to send them money.

Not quite
So, now we have come full circle. I always hear this "find a middle class Filipina" argument and crack up. Let me hit a few points:

1. Depending on how you define it, the middle class is small in the Philippines and the chance that your 20-something girl is middle class is small.
2. More importantly is how we define middle class. It is not like in the West. If a guy with a family in the Philippines makes the equivalent of $1000/month - he's middle class. He can afford a modest home, owns a motorbike or used car, and if he saves can send his kids to a cheap college. That's middle class in the Philippines; it's not exactly my middle class life.
3. Even more importantly is what Pete was explaining about the cultural requirement to help the family. This "requirement" isn't just based on poverty. It's hardwired into their culture. My friend's wife does not come from a poor family. On the contrary - dad is stinking rich. While she doesn't send money home to her parents, she does help nieces and nephews and cousins. And she lays expensive gifts on many family members. Despite her father's wealth she has the same feelings as a poor Pinay about being a new American and "helping." BTW, if you ask her she will tell you her father is merely a simple businessman

So, do not think if you end up with a "middle class" Filipina it will mean she doesn't want to help her family.

With a middle class girl, if you can find one, it may simply be a matter of scale. "A little short" may mean $200 to a poor family, but $1000 to a better off family.
My wife's family would be considered frugal middle class, until recently, as with a death in the family, my father in law and his brother inherited substantial land and houses, so they are not going to hit me up for a while...lol

The quality of the person has to shine through, no matter their circumstances. I know girls from poor families that few men on this board would be worthy of.

[mentor]

I 'll agree with davewe, 'we have come full circle'!

I am working on this topic in my mind.
Let me reverse the question, I am curious about your answers!

How do you know that a girl really loves you, if helping family is indispensable?

I mean, ok, I can understand your thought, 'they worth it', 'their culture', even an utilitarian opinion like 'it is the best you can spend your money'.

I wonder, if I offer 'no money' in a filipina dating, then I am going straight to failure?
Give money=I love her, no money=I am not worth her?
In the end, 'no money, no honey', even with the filipinas?

Money makes the difference?

I want to explore all aspects of this topic, I admin I a have hard time with it! Your opinions lightens the scene for me.

[mentor]

So, I need your suggestions, to be real as I want, and set a realistic ground about this topic with my mate.

"I could help depending on my current financial situation, on occasional basis, and after reasoning and thinking about a difficult situation back in Philippines."

Depending on my mood and my style, as I described it above, and a more realistic approach on what we discuss, do you find it as a good declaration?
I think it is logical, but lets see your comments.

Some opinions on this thought of mine please.

[OutWest]

I 'll agree with davewe, 'we have come full circle'!

I am working on this topic in my mind.
Let me reverse the question, I am curious about your answers!

How do you know that a girl really loves you, if helping family is indispensable?

I mean, ok, I can understand your thought, 'they worth it', 'their culture', even an utilitarian opinion like 'it is the best you can spend your money'.

I wonder, if I offer 'no money' in a filipina dating, then I am going straight to failure?
Give money=I love her, no money=I am not worth her?
In the end, 'no money, no honey', even with the filipinas?

Money makes the difference?

I want to explore all aspects of this topic, I admin I a have hard time with it! Your opinions lightens the scene for me.

If you do not have the finances to support a modest life with a filipina, why lead them on? Most filipinas want family...children...the fact that they want a man who can provide for a family is not a character flaw. You don't have to be rich, but meeting and marrying a filipina, or anyone, is not a zero budget proposal. Fix your finances first if needed.

[mentor]

Outwest, as I said, I am a middle class European.
You misunderstood me.
I just examine for each action I take, the feasibility.

I would like to have answers to the questions I posted.

[OutWest]

Outwest, as I said, I am a middle class European.
You misunderstood me.
I just examine for each action I take, the feasibility.

I would like to have answers to the questions I posted.

..

How old are you? In reasonable shape? If those are good, and you are European middle class, you have what you need. It's completely feasible. For most, its the courage to act.

[mentor]

Helping occasionally depending on the situations(ours, theirs), is not enough ??????

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So, everybody seems compromised with this reality.
But I would like to have some answers to my questions.
Let me repeat them here:

- How do you know that a girl really loves you, if helping family is indispensable?

- If I offer 'no money' in a filipina dating, then I am going straight to failure?

- Give money=I love her, no money=I am not worth her?

- 'No money, no honey', even with the filipinas? Money makes the difference?

[OutWest]

Helping occasionally depending on the situations(ours, theirs), is not enough ??????

-------------------------

So, everybody seems compromised with this reality.
But I would like to have some answers to my questions.
Let me repeat them here:

- How do you know that a girl really loves you, if helping family is indispensable?

- If I offer 'no money' in a filipina dating, then I am going straight to failure?

- Give money=I love her, no money=I am not worth her?

- 'No money, no honey', even with the filipinas? Money makes the difference?

There are 100million people in the Philippines...millions of girls. There are no rules, just tendencies and guidelines. You can surley find one that suites you, but you actually have to go there....spend the time. The very least you should get is an interesting vacation.

Your questions are hard to answer because they are simplistic. Most girl from good families are reluctant or even offended if you assume they just want money.
They would be reassured if it seems obvious that you have enough money to support a family you might form.
You really think you would get to know them and offer money as part of the courtship? Their family may never need any help, or they may obviously need some help and be too proud to ask. Your conscience and sense of decency is to be your guide. Do you have the wisdom to evaluate individual circumstances? People cannot be reduced to rules or formulas.

A good girl will likely not bring it up, but think about this: assume you meet and Mary a wonderful girl who comes from a poor family. She moves back to Europe with you and is living a comfortable life. What kind of heartless bitchh would she be, if she never so much as gave a thought to somehow helping her family. Do you really want to find a girl with a heart of ice?

[mentor]

A girl asked me in DateinAsia:
'So, why Asia?'

I did not respond as I do not know what is the best answer!
What should I tell to asians that ask such question?
Why a foreigner search for a girl in Asia?
There should be a good answer.