10 Reasons Not To Marry - Why Men Should Avoid The Trap
By Winston Wu (Founder of HappierAbroad.com)
"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Society says you are incomplete until you're married. It is part of our social programming. Your parents are expecting you to get married, to follow on with their tradition and give them grandchildren. Your friends are all getting married too, leaving you left out. So, if everyone is doing it, doesn't that mean it must be right? Are there any reasons not to marry?
You bet! Many good ones. There are many disadvantages, risks and opportunity costs that come with marriage. But society will never tell you about them, because society is not there to give you truth or freedom. It is there to CONTROL you and make you a conformist. But I am not. I am here to tell you the truth and give you the other side to consider.
And no, just because everyone is doing something doesn't mean it must be right. As my school teachers always said, "If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?" And Gandhi said, "Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is still the truth." In other words, everyone doing something has no effect on the truth. The truth is, there is no one thing that's right for everyone. And society does not tell you the consequences of what it expects of you.
So before you get married, understand what you are getting into. Here are the many disadvantages, risks and opportunity costs that come with marriage which you may not have yet considered.
1. You might regret it.
Believe it or not, you don't really know your partner. You may know his/her surface personality, but not their real self or innermost thoughts and feelings. Later down the line, they may change and you may too. You might grow apart. You might become incompatible. What then? Are you going to stay together and be miserable just because of an artificial marriage vow to stay together "til death do you part"?
What if your spouse becomes a monster? What if you no longer love him or her? What if you love someone else? You can't know what's going to happen down the line, so why make unrealistic promises? That is foolish and unwise. It is also dishonest in a sense too.
Furthermore, you may also regret it for the next reasons mentioned below as well.
2. It will kill your sex life.
Most people about to marry never consider this, but marriage kills your sex life. After a few months, the sex will no longer be interesting. It will become a routine. And the longer the marriage goes, the less sex the couple will have. After a number of years, it will eventually be reduced to little or nothing. In fact, it is not uncommon for long-time married couples to only have sex once a year, or never even! So you gotta ask yourself, if sex is important, why kill it off?! By doing so, you've shot yourself in the foot - all because society told you to. Now how do you like that?
3. You can never experience romantic or sexual variety again without breaking your vows.
Guys, think about this: There are millions of attractive women out there. You will never be able to romance them or sleep with them ever again, if you keep your marriage vows that is. Think about it. According to the oath you made, you are supposedly never going to sleep with another attractive female ever again until you die! How do you like that?
Well I don't like it. Why restrict and bind yourself for life like that? Isn't that crazy? Isn't variety the spice of life? Remember that fantasy you've always had about being in a foreign exotic country and having a beautiful woman smile at you and wink? Well if that happens, you won't be able to follow up on it, at least not without being unfaithful. You won't be able to "go with the flow" so to speak due to an artificial bind. How do you like that?
See what happens when you listen to society? Would you swear for life to only eat vanilla ice cream and no other flavors? No. Would you take an oath to only eat fried rice and nothing else? No. So why would you swear to only have one woman forever and never experience any others? It doesn't make sense, and it's unnatural and difficult to keep such an oath. One should not make promises that one can't keep, right? So why do it? Aren't you being dishonest by taking such oaths? Is it right to lie to appease your family and peers?
The grass is always greener on the other side. If you are married to a brunette, you will be lusting after blondes and redheads, because you don't have them and can't have them. If you are married to a blonde, then you will be fantasizing about desirable unattainable brunettes. If you are married to a white woman, you will be lusting after exotic silky feminine oriental women you can never have. If you are married to an oriental lady, you will be lusting after hot white women. Etc. It's inevitable.
When you are married, you can never experience the thrill of the chase again, or love at first sight, or the special moment of a first kiss, not without being unfaithful to your spouse. You are not supposed to experience that electric volt you feel when you touch a beautiful woman for the first time. No more sexual adrenaline rushes for you. Nothing in marriage can replace such things, for marriage does not provide such stimulation. Marriage is nothing but monotonous routine, kept stable just for the children, not for you.
What if you are no longer sexually attracted to your wife? And then this hot young woman who looks like something from your fantasy comes into your life, or becomes your secretary? What are you going to do? Deny that you want her? Deny that you fantasize about her?
What if you fall in love with another woman who has qualities your wife doesn't? Then you have to keep it a secret from your wife. What if you love another and can't stop thinking about her? What then?
But that never happens right? Well according to society it doesn't. So was society right?! You tell me. An artificial marriage contract cannot control your heart, feelings or lust. But of course, society forgot to tell you that.
Moreover, this has got to be a guy's worst nightmare: Imagine being already married and taken, and then one day your ideal perfect woman comes along who is far more attractive than your wife, and has all the qualities you've dreamt of which your wife doesn't, and takes an interest in YOU! If that happens, then you are MAJORLY F***ED aren't you?! LOL (Murphy's Law will have had the ultimate laugh on you)
(To women: Go see the film "The Bridges of Madison County" and you'll understand and sympathize with what I'm talking about here.)
Guys, imagine having to keep the same car for the rest of your life, and never being able to "upgrade" it to a new or better one. Now wouldn't that suck? LOL
Also, when your life becomes a routine with no variety, time goes by faster, your life slips by faster, and you get old before you know it, never having experienced more variety or adventure. Think about that. Remember that.
4. You can never make any new friends of the opposite sex again, without your spouse becoming suspicious or jealous.
Guys, I'm sure you already know this, but when you are married or in a committed relationship, you aren't really allowed to make any new female friends, or else your wife will become suspcious and jealous. This means that you will be forced to keep them from her, because if she does find out, she will demand that you hide nothing from her and let her see all the communication/correspondence you have with your new "female buddy". If that happens, it goes without saying that you won't be able to show any affection or say anything "sweet and caring" to your new female friend, not with your wife watching. LOL. Now, doesn't it suck to not be able to say what you want and feel to another female?
(Now this is a little ironic because for some reason, by some act of Murphy's Law, when you are single, such opportunities to come across great females you have a lot in common with do not occur as often as when you are already taken or attached. That's the tragedy of life - for the universe only gives you what you want when you are no longer able to have it anymore...)
Furthermore, your wife will usually demand that you tell your new female friend that you are already taken, and that next time you meet her, to bring her along to show her that you are taken - thus stifling the possibility of anything growing between you and your new "female friend". Your wife will not let you see your new female buddy alone, but will require you to meet with her as a "couple", if at all.
What this means is that if in your everyday affairs, you come across a charming endearing female who enjoys talking to you, and has something in common with you or a common shared purpose with you, or has attractive qualities you like which are lacking in your spouse, you cannot really befriend her or get to know her without getting into trouble with your wife and ruining the peace in your marriage. Now doesn't that suck?
To avoid that, you'd have to hide your new female friend's number in your cell phone, and hide her emails in your computer, etc. (You know how it is.) It's a very hard game to play, obviously, and the more you do it, the more suspicious your spouse will become, and start checking your cell phone and emails. Eventually you end up getting caught. And when that happens, it creates a scene... which goes without saying. LOL
I'm sure you guys out there have experienced this - when you are in a committed relationship but constantly have another female that you care more about and is more interesting to you on your mind, to the point where your partner has to inquire: "Why do you seem so distracted lately?" Now doesn't that scenario suck? LOL
As the old saying goes, "The trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance." - Edwin Chapin. And in this case, you are likely to succumb to the adage that, "You regret more what you didn't do than what you did." So much for restriction and suppression.
5. Marriage does not necessarily make you happier.
It just keeps you looking normal to society and to your peers. Most marriages do not result in lasting happiness. Couples either argue or just tolerate each other out of commitment. The myth of "happily ever after" has been disproven endlessly, yet people still believe it.
Look, there's no perfect world. Everything in life has tradeoffs and opportunity costs. When you gains something, you lose something. Marriage is not what it's cracked up to be. It may bring you some things, such as stability and a family to raise (if that makes you happy), but it takes away other things, like personal freedom, privacy, adventure, other women, travel time, variety in life, time to develop your soul, etc. You're always going to be happy about some things, but unhappy about others.
After you get married, somewhere down the line, you're going to miss the freedom of being single. You're gonna feel like you're in a rut, where you've given your whole life away to an enslaving job, nagging wife, spoiled kids, and a monotonous routine sexless life. Your playtime will consist of cliched family outings with kids, not the fun and freedom you enjoyed in your youth.
6. Divorce rates are high and rising.
“Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they don't like him.” - Marlene Dietrich
In America, the divorce rate has now risen from 30 percent to 50-60 percent. Russia has similar high levels of divorce as well. If you know there's a high probability of that happening, then why promise to stay together "til death do you part"? Wouldn't you be lying to yourself and others? Besides, how many people can be 100 percent sure of something or anything?
Divorce is expensive, complicated and messy. I don't have to tell you that. Many men lose half their property and assets, or all of it. It ruins lives. Many of my friends say that marriage was the biggest mistake of their lives. Why go through all that trouble? Why not just avoid all that just by not getting married, especially with the previous reasons mentioned? Why waste all that money? Why go through all that trouble? Why risk losing all your hard earned assets? It doesn't make sense! Just because society says so?! F*** society!
7. A man could lose his property, assets and children in a divorce.
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Many divorces end in the man losing his house, assets, and children, all going to the mother since courts tend to favor them. A man can lose everything, leaving him in grief, depression, and even suicide. A divorced man who has lost a lot is not going to be desirable to women.
Therefore, a man stands to lose a lot or everything in marriage, while a woman stands to gain a lot. Not fair of course. But ask yourself this: What advantage is there for a man in marriage? Nothing! Except maybe some stupid tax breaks.
Isn't it better to just keep your property and assets separate? Sheesh. You see how society complicates things and gets into your own affairs? Stupid isn't it? So just avoid it then! It's that simple. Stop being a conformist and caring what others think of you.
Look at the big picture and you see it's a raw deal for men. Marriage protects women and children, at the expensive of men, who are expendable. It gives security to women, and stability to children, but nothing to men. That's because society cares about women and children, but not men. So don't let them take advantage of you.
8. Marriage is artificial and unnatural.
Love is a wonderful natural thing between two people that cannot be expressed in words. It lets you experience your biggest highs and lowest lows. It is highly personal too. Now what does that have to do with an artificial government contract? NOTHING! So why does society say it does? Because society wants to CONTROL you!
So you see, it doesn't make sense to invoke an artificial contract into a relationship or love affair that places a bind and lock on the couple. Why not let love bloom, run its natural course, however long that may be, and die out on its own? Why try to force people to stay together with a chain and lock, even if they shouldn't? That's imprisonment. It interferes with the natural cycle and flow of things, and with human will too. Love cannot be controlled or tied down with a contract.
Furthermore, it is reckless to swear an oath to love one person for love. You can't keep that promise any more than you can swear to only eat fried rice for life. It's unrealistic, unnatural, and unnecessary.
Now I'm not saying that one should be alone (unless he wants to be). Most people are happier with partners, companionship, and loved ones. And some are happier having a family to raise. That is natural and normal. There is nothing wrong with that. Humans are happier when their happiness is shared with others. Sure. But why can't they have all that without an artificial bind, like a rope tying a dog to a tree? It's like society doesn't trust men, so they have to be shackled and chained up. That's not good.
And if a couple wants to commit, why can't they just commit with an oral agreement without the interference of marriage? What can the institution of marriage bring them, that they can't get on their own? It is nothing but a lock and chain with consequences. Unless you are really religious and your beliefs demand marriage, it isn't really necessary.
9. Marriage takes away your freedom and liberty.
"In our part of the world, where monogamy is in force, to marry means to halve one’s rights and to double one’s duties." - Arthur Schopenhauer, On Women
Every man naturally fears marriage, because it carries with it a connotation of "permanent closure" and bars him from the joy of "open possibilities". Despite this, many men go through with it anyway, while others, like me, stop and think: "Wait a minute. Let's think about this. This doesn't feel right. There's something wrong with this. Why should I do something so disadvantageous to me just because society says so and everyone else is doing it? If everyone else jumped off a bridge, should I do it too?"
As the quote from Arthur Schopenhauer above noted, marriage reduces your rights and doubles your responsibilities (and triples them when children come onto the scene). Why would anyone want that? Clearly it is disadvantageous to one's liberty and freedom.
From a certain point of view, marriage is essentially SERVITUDE - to your spouse, to the relationship, and the family as well. It is not freedom. You can't just do whatever you want or put your own interest first. In fact, you must appease your spouse by conforming to her wishes and standards, and accept her friends and in-laws (or at least pretend to). You cannot make decisions as an individual anymore, but must seek her consent on everything. You must "run everything by her". Many men in America even refer to their wife as "the boss" for some reason.
And of course, if you marry, you are not free to love other women, date them, or even befriend them, ethically speaking that is. Your wife will not even be comfortable with you having any other female friends, even if they are innocent ones, for she will always be suspicious of them and watch how much attention you give them. What this means is that all female contacts are off, except your wife, unless she approves of them or you spend time with them only with your wife around. Therefore, you are not free to do what you want in terms of other women.
Furthermore, your wife will expect you to keep a stable job to provide money and security for her and any children you may have together. Unless you really love your job, it is basically slavery in a private dictatorship. But what if you don't like your job? What if you get tired of your job and want to take off and travel the world? Or move somewhere else? Or decide you don't want children? Unless your wife agrees, it will be hard for you to do that. You kind of have to do what she says most of the time. Hence, no freedom for you.
What this means is that if your dream is to have a life full of adventure, travel and freedom, then don't get married, cause marriage will take away all that, unless you're lucky enough to find a partner who shares your same lifestyle.
What I've never understood, is why anyone would want to give up a life of freedom, traveling, and dating different hot women, for the boring monotonous routine life of marriage, responsibility and raising a family? It just doesn't make any sense.
In the latter, your freedom is totally gone and you are tied down into commitment, obligation and responsibility, which people call "life". Why would anyone choose such a predicament, let alone be fulfilled by it? Such a lifestyle embodies nothing but routine, burden and imprisonment. The former is obviously a thousand times more fun, exciting, interesting and pleasurable than the latter. So why would anyone choose the latter? I don't understand. It's mind boggling.
Could it be because Mother Nature has programmed people to want to raise a family, to ensure the survival of the human race? Is that the only reason? Or because society told people that raising a family was the purpose of life, and so people followed it?
I just don't understand "normal people". They've never made sense to me. Am I liberated or crazy? Oh well.
It's funny how people always want to HEAR that they have freedom (or political freedom rather) but when they follow what society taught them - by getting a job and raising a family, they reduce their freedom to ZERO and don't even think about it! It's like people want to hear that they have freedom but don't want actual freedom itself. How weird and ironic.
10. Marriage was created to benefit society and women, NOT men.
Given all the disadvantages mentioned above, marriage was clearly created to benefit society and women, NOT men. It provides a proper environment for children to grow up in, gives women security while raising children, and stabilizes the structure of society, preventing "free men" from doing whatever they want and following their hearts and passions. While doing so, it treats men like wild dogs who need to be locked and chained up lest they roam free.
This is why society rewards marriage with tax breaks, economic perks and bonuses, and punishes divorce with such harsh consequences. Of course, society HOPES for a win-win situation in which men are "happily" married, so that both men and society get what they want. But that is often not the case, for the reasons mentioned above.
You have to remember that society is not there to give you freedom or truth. It is there to CONTROL you and mold you into a certain way that will best serve its interests. This is why society treats you like a product on an assembly line in a cookie cutter factory, and assumes that you are the same as everyone else.
So you see, there are many good reasons not to marry - many disadvantages, risks and opportunity costs that could turn out to be a monumental mistake with disastrous consequences - which society never tells you about.
Furthermore, if one wishes, one can have commitment in a relationship or raise a family without the institution of marriage, which is really unnecessary and nothing more than a bind and lock on a couple. Marriage doesn't really bring anything to your relationship that you can't have on your own, without the interference of society's laws.
Now, I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I'm not saying that you shouldn't get married or that you should. Obviously, some people are happily married, and some are unhappily married. Marriage is not for everyone. But there are many logical reasons against marriage, such as the ones above, which society never tells you about, that should be considered first before entering into such a serious commitment and contract. But society is one-sided. It presents marriage as a wonderful dream come true - along with a happy expensive wedding - and preaches that it is a good and morally right thing to do. It never gives you the other side - the consequences, disadvantages and opportunity costs. And that's the purpose of this article, to fill in that information gap which society doesn't.
Whatever decision you make, it is in your best interest to weigh everything out first before getting married. The decision is ultimately up to you. Only you can know what's best for you and what will make you happiest. I can't tell you what is best for you, but I can at least inform you of what society won't. Thanks for hearing me out. Best wishes to you all for success and happiness.
For more of my freethinking and truth articles: http://www.happierabroad.com/articles.php
Jezebel, a Celebrity/Fashion Blog, has written a funny hit piece about this article. You can see it at:
Last edited by Winston on Mon Jan 23, 2012 9:50 pm; edited 24 times in total
Check out our new blog The Happier Abroaders.
Don't forget my HA Grand Ebook and Dating Sites!
"It takes far less effort to find and move to the society that has what you want than it does to try to reconstruct an existing society to match your standards." - Harry Browne, How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World