How are you supposed to get dates or make friends in America?

[Winston]

Some new observations I have after being in America again. Here is a catch 22 I just realized.

In America, the flow of life and the environment seems to revolve around the following consistent core norms:

1. Working or getting a job. This is considered the most important thing.
2. Shopping and consuming, since everything around you in civilization is commercialized.
3. Enjoying the privacy of your own home with your family, or alone.
4. You are not supposed to talk to strangers unless it's business related (e.g. talking to customer service). Neighbors may wave and say hello, but that's all.

The thing is, NONE of this is conducive to making friends, meeting people, or getting dates at all. It seems that virtually everything is built around the ASSUMPTION that you ALREADY have a partner/wife/girlfriend and that you ALREADY have a circle of friends to hang out with, and that these things are not an issue.

Have you ever noticed that? The catch 22 is this: If you don't already have a partner and a close circle of friends, then there's really no way to get one, at least not naturally and simply. In that case, you are screwed and you've hit a wall, because NONE of these cornerstones of American life above are conducive at all to GETTING a girlfriend or meeting girls! I mean, you can't just go out and "get one". You can't just go out and pick up a girl, ask for a date, or even chat up a girl, without looking like a creep or predator who is violating women's right to be left alone. As you know, you are only supposed to talk to strangers in America if it's business related (such as talking to someone in customer service). That's what everyone else does, so it must be the norm right?

Is that f***ed up or what? lol. It's ridiculous how the movies make it look so easy to get dates or make friends, but in reality, the primary pillars of American life outlined above are totally NOT conducive to that at all! Doesn't that totally suck?

So what I don't get is: How does society expect you to make friends and find love? It's kind of weird isn't it? Am I missing something here?

Also, how do couples who divorce or break up start dating other people again, as if it were a normal and easy thing to do, in spite of the above? How do "normal people" get around this? Am I missing something?

Or could it be that we are just abnormal in that we aren't square like everyone else who is raising a family in the suburbs, has a stable job, and isn't asking any of these type of questions that I am here? I mean, if we were "normal" and had a home in the suburbs, a family to raise, and a normal job to go to, we wouldn't be on here talking about all this stuff right?

Does that make us weird losers or what? How come society or the media doesn't address this catch-22 I describe above? Do you ever wonder about that?

What do you all think? Am I missing something here? Is there a flaw in my linear logic here?

[fightforlove]

You're supposed to make friends and party it up hard in high school and college. If you missed out on this and find yourself in your mid 20s with a small social circle and no dating experience, you're pretty much effed.

[S_Parc]

Winston, ppl are suppose to have a profile of sorts. It goes like this ... yes, having a job or business is critical. Without that, you don't have a standing in society.

Next, generic extracurriculars, here's a sample list:

• Martial Arts (pick any style, internal or external)
  YMCA baseball/basketball team or crew (corporate or school alumni oriented) boating team
  Some meditation, taichi/qigong, or "channeling" group
  and if you want to venture into women's interests, some yoga, ballroom or latin dance

I've engaged in much of the above and as a result, I have a reasonably complete social life. True, I tend to stick with the older friends (more often than not) but still, I've been able to get out and about. Now, regardless of one's social life, AWs suck. They are a cancer to most social gatherings and create disharmony and chaos wherever they go.

[Winston]

You're supposed to make friends and party it up hard in high school and college. If you missed out on this and find yourself in your mid 20s with a small social circle and no dating experience, you're pretty much effed.

So you're supposed to marry your high school sweetheart and raise a home in the suburbs with her? Is that what most people do? I doubt it. Where do most Americans find their wives?

College is not a party atmosphere unless you are in the dorms. In the campus itself, it's all business. People are rushing to get out of there so they can go to work and make money. It's a business mentality there, not a social one. I don't see where the myth of college being a social fun atmosphere came from.

[Winston]

Winston, ppl are suppose to have a profile of sorts. It goes like this ... yes, having a job or business is critical. Without that, you don't have a standing in society.

Next, generic extracurriculars, here's a sample list:

• Martial Arts (pick any style, internal or external)
  YMCA baseball/basketball team or crew (corporate or school alumni oriented) boating team
  Some meditation, taichi/qigong, or "channeling" group
  and if you want to venture into women's interests, some yoga, ballroom or latin dance

I've engaged in much of the above and as a result, I have a reasonably complete social life. True, I tend to stick with the older friends (more often than not) but still, I've been able to get out and about. Now, regardless of one's social life, AWs suck. They are a cancer to most social gatherings and create disharmony and chaos wherever they go.

How does having a job help? All it does is give you a paycheck. It is a taboo to date coworkers. I mean sheesh, they don't even eat with you most of the time. So having a job does nothing for your social life. All communication at work is business related anyway.

I don't think most people do extracurricular activities. Only a small minority do. And among those, are usually older folks anyway.

So that doesn't answer the question of how society expects you to get dates or even make friends. Weird isn't it?

[Banano]

I guess pubs/bars/clubs the only places where its 'acceptable' to talk and meet strangers.

The more older you get the harder it is to meet new people and make friends

I would suggest bars and pubs, clubs are too loud and they are geared towards younger crowd, hence not ideal place for older guys

Daytime, its possible but you got to be smooth and have looks (think paul janka) otherwise you will come across as creep

[fightforlove]

You're supposed to make friends and party it up hard in high school and college. If you missed out on this and find yourself in your mid 20s with a small social circle and no dating experience, you're pretty much effed.

So you're supposed to marry your high school sweetheart and raise a home in the suburbs with her? Is that what most people do? I doubt it. Where do most Americans find their wives?

College is not a party atmosphere unless you are in the dorms. In the campus itself, it's all business. People are rushing to get out of there so they can go to work and make money. It's a business mentality there, not a social one. I don't see where the myth of college being a social fun atmosphere came from.

A lot of it depends on 1) where you live and 2) what socioeconomic class you're in. Many of my friends from my hometown didn't go to college and knocked up a local hood-rat girl not too long after high school. If you do go to college, or live in a big city, you'll marry later. Still, even most of these educated peeps use their old college circle of friends as the basis for their social life in the post-college single years. I think a lot of educated types nowdays also go to grad school/b-school/law school in the mid-to-late-20s; they further build their social circles and meet their SOs there. Meeting people at work is pretty hard, at least in my industry (engineering). There's also online dating, eharmony.com in particular seemed to have a surplus of hyper-educated women whhen I was on there a year ago. I even met a few doctors on there!

[S_Parc]

How does having a job help? All it does is give you a paycheck. It is a taboo to date coworkers. I mean sheesh, they don't even eat with you most of the time. So having a job does nothing for your social life. All communication at work is business related anyway.

I don't think most people do extracurricular activities. Only a small minority do. And among those, are usually older folks anyway.

So that doesn't answer the question of how society expects you to get dates or even make friends. Weird isn't it?

Winston, did I say anything about dating co-workers? Cardinal rule no 1... NEVER, EVER date a co-worker.

Here's the thing, no job => no money for extracurriculars. And then, when you arrive at that Aikido dojo and the person next to you asks where you work, you need to have an immediate answer, as oppose to stating that you're continually unemployed. If you don't have a line of work (full time, contract, or business), you're ostracized by mainstreamers because you're seen as a drifter than a settled person. With the above accomplished, you've made your first social contact in the real world.

Usually, a few of your new acquaintances at the New England Academy [ of Flipping & Tripping ] , have friends, who may work nearby and periodically, you might meet them for dinner or drinks. Then, you've slowly busted out of the extracurricular zone, in itself, and now, have met people outside of the specific activity. I've been doing the above now, for much of my adult life and thus, I have a complete social life.

And finally, how do you get dates? You don't. This is America. If a woman wants you (& trust me, they're all after me now), they're barracudas, looking to get pregnant or swiping one's finances. In addition, AWs poison social gatherings, so that it's difficult for people to get along without continuous rivalries and so forth.

[zacb]

Well, according to the dating gods, you have to meet people at high school. otherwise go to college. Get a job, earn lots of money, even though you feel like killing your boss, and bingo. Even then though, sometimes it is an act of God. It seems like being a jackass helps. (tried it). If I have to get to the point of not even being scrupulous about it, I might as well forget about it.

[eurobrat]

...

[Hero]

It's easier to find friends if you're in your teens or 20's and there are still plenty of single people in your age bracket. It's way harder once you hit your 30's and most people your age spend all their time with their families and at work. As for finding a gf, that's easy - as long as you don't care what she looks like. Otherwise, Winston is right - you have to be very well-connected to find a quality gf in the USA. If you don't have the right references, forget about it.

[Tsar]

You're not suppose to make friends in America. How many people who have friends have true friends? Friends that would demonstrate their friendship. Help them out if they were in a difficult situation?

Many times the friendships in America are superficial or more about informal business (what can this person do for me?) instead of a genuine desire for a friendship just because that person is interesting, seems nice, or is a good person.

People who are genuine people want true friends. True friends are just as rare as the very small minority of decent American Women.

[Hero]

You're not suppose to make friends in America. How many people who have friends have true friends? Friends that would demonstrate their friendship. Help them out if they were in a difficult situation?

Many times the friendships in America are superficial or more about informal business (what can this person do for me?) instead of a genuine desire for a friendship just because that person is interesting, seems nice, or is a good person.

People who are genuine people want true friends. True friends are just as rare as the very small minority of decent American Women.

True. I thought I had friends, until my father died and almost nobody sent me a sympathy card or any condolences whatsoever. I can't tell you how many of my so-called friends have abandoned me in my times of trouble when I became a "downer" for them. Sometimes I've had friends in a city where I've lived, then I move away, and suddenly my former "friends" won't even let me onto their facebook friends list! How evil is that? This is one profoundly sick society.

[Winston]

Ok what about this: The divorce rate in America is around 50 percent right? So if half of people divorce or break up, then how are they supposed to date again or get married again, given the above core aspects of American life that bar meeting and dating new people? How do they find new partners exactly?

I mean, practically everything in America is built around the underlying assumption that you already have a partner. There's nothing that really helps you find a partner or meet new dating prospects, at least not naturally or simply. So how do people remarry or date again?

[Winston]

This is completely 100% false, if you go out and talk to people you can make friends or even find a girlfriend.

Wtf is wrong with you? Why are you making deliberate false statements? Have you been recruited as a shill? lol

Nothing is 100 percent true or false. But what I described is how it generally is. Why are you denying it? How do you sleep at night making false statements like that?

How much you wanna bet? I'll come to LA now and you show me how you chat up strangers and get dates by walking up to girls and saying "Hi you're hot. Can I get your number?"

You are wasting everyone's time here with posts like that. Why are you here then if you think it's easy to get dates in the US?