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Research Section: Leading Experts and
Studies Confirm the Claims of Happier Abroad
By Steve Neese
Greetings.
The purpose of this section is to provide expert opinion and studies that back up and support the material presented here at Happier Abroad.
As the Happier Abroad team member who was responsible for
putting this research section together, I want to reiterate a view I hold that
this website?s creator has already said before. ?Now, don't
get me wrong, I love
Lastly, I should make one thing very clear. The parts of this research report that refer to the women in America ARE NOT meant as a reference to ALL American woman. Such an "all encompassing" statement would be fool hardy to make. The issues below in this research report speak of generalities only. These are generalities within the American culture itself with particular attention paid to what is happening within the women of America and the detrimental effects this is having on the American dating scene for American men. A perfect example of what I mean by this is that although Social psychologist Jean Twenge states that the narcissism epidemic that America is currently suffering from seems to be predominantly occurring with American women, (she mentions this 3 different times in her book) she further clarifies this statement by stating that the narcissism epidemic is disproportionately attributed to those born after 1967. So this right there would preclude the idea that it's occurring with ALL woman (or men for that matter).
Sincerely,
Steve Neese
Research Specialist and Promoter of Happier Abroad
Table of Contents
Introducing
America?s Leading Experts
Today?s
American Women Have Unrealistic Expectations of Men
American
Women Have An Overly Large Sense of Entitlement
American
Women Harbor Subconscious Disdain and Anger Towards Men
American
Women Are Taught Not to Need Men
Many
American Women Tend To Be Self-Centered
Experts
claim that many American woman today are relationship dysfunctional
American
Women ? The Bad Boy Syndrome
The
toll that America?s sexually liberated ?hook up? culture takes on our women
The
effects of feminism on relationships
Many
American women let themselves go
Feminism?s
Portrayal of Men as Fools
Men
portrayed as foolish and childish, requiring women to take charge
American
Women?s Masculinity Scores Over Time
Masculinity
and Traditional Gender Roles Under Attack
Women
Should Appreciate Men?s Masculinity
Materialism
and Sense of Entitlement
?It?s
Not Enough, I Want More!?
Feminism
Increases Likelihood of Divorce
Americans
are Lonely and Depressed
The
Catastrophic Consequences of Narcissism
The
Quest for Infamy and the Rise of Incivility
?Isn?t
it fun to get the respect that we?re going to deserve??
America?s
Youth ? A Gangsta-Worshipping Thug Culture
?MySpace
? Screw You! But Thanks for the Add?
Bullying
and Incivility - America's National Character
America?s
Absurdly High Cost of Living
American
Culture Breeds Rebellious Youth - which carries over into adulthood
The
Narcissism Epidemic in American Culture
America
is Exporting its Narcissism to Other Countries
Cultural
Differences in Narcissism
Why
Americans tend to overinflate their ego/confidence/attitude
In
America, Materialism Trumps Spirituality
Americans
Live to ?Work and Consume?
Road
Rage is Mainly an ?American Thing?
Our
Culture is Based on Hype and Excess Consumption
?I
Deserve the Best at 18% APR?
Irrational
Exuberance of Generation Me
America?s
Hook Up Culture ? Hooking Up and Checking Out Emotionally
America?s
Narcissistic Culture and Its Impact on Relationships
America?s
Obesity Epidemic Leads the World
In
America, Single Men Far Outnumber Single Women
Causes
of the Narcissism Epidemic in American Culture
Cause
#1 - The Self Esteem Movement
Cause
#2 - The Age of the Weak Parent
Americans
Can?t Take Criticism
The
New America - Lack of Social Stigma over Divorce
American
Women Initiate Divorce 66% of the Time!
Divorce
Is All the Rage for Females Over 40
The
ego epidemic: How more and more of us women have an inflated sense of our own
fabulousness
The
Male/Female Ratio of Online Dating
Internet
Dating in America Doesn?t Work for Men.
Seattle
Times Article - Stay away, American Women, say British men
Proof
That Single Men Outnumber Single Women in America
More
U.S. Marriages are Unhappy
The
"Mail-Order Bride" Industry and its Impact on U.S. Immigration
What
Do The Experts Say?
Introducing
America
Dr. Jean Twenge
Her Website: http://www.generationme.org
?????? Jean M. Twenge, Ph.D
??????????
Dr. Jean
Twenge is Associate Professor of Psychology at
She has made numerous media appearances to discuss her
research, including:
The Today Show
Dateline NBC
NPR's All Things Considered
CBS Radio's the Osgood File
KPBS radio
San Diego TV stations: KUSI, XETV, KNSD, KFMB, KGTV
USA Today
Time magazine
Washington Post
The Wall Street Journal
Newsweek
NBC Nightly
News
Fox and friends
She is the Author of several nationally well known
books:
Generation Me ? ?Why today?s young
Americans are more confident, assertive, entitled - and more miserable than
ever before.? ?In this provocative new
book,
headline making psychologist and social commentator Dr. Jean Twenge
explores why the young people she calls ?Generation Me? ? those born in the 1970?s
, 1980?s, and 1990?s ? are tolerant, confident, open minded, and ambitious but
also cynical , depressed, lonely, and anxious.
The Narcissism Epidemic ? The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement
by Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell. Published
in April 2009 by Free Press,
a division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
Description:
On a reality TV show, a girl planning her Sweet Sixteen wants a major road blocked off so a marching band can precede her grand entrance on a red carpet. Five times as many Americans undergo plastic surgery and cosmetic procedures as ten years ago, and ordinary people hire fake paparazzi to follow them around to make them look famous. High school students physically attack classmates and post YouTube videos of the beatings to get attention. And for the past several years, Americans have been buying McMansions and expensive cars on credit they can't afford.
Although these seem like a random collection of current trends, all are rooted in a single underlying shift in American culture: the relentless rise of narcissism, a very positive and inflated view of self. Narcissists believe they are better than others, lack emotionally warm and caring relationships, constantly seek attention, and treasure material wealth and physical appearance. In The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement, psychologists and professors Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell draw from empirical research and cultural analysis to expose the destructive spread of narcissism. Perhaps most important, they also discuss treatment ? what each of us can do to stop the epidemic of narcissism so corrosive to society.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Her Website : http://www.drlaura.com
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
As one of the most popular talk show hosts in radio history,
Dr. Laura Schlessinger offers no-nonsense advice infused with
a strong sense of ethics, accountability, and personal responsibility; she's
been doing it successfully for more than 30 years, reaching approximately 9
million listeners weekly. She's a best selling author of eleven adult books and
four children's books, which range from the provocative (New York Times chart
topper The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands) to the poignant
(children's book title Why Do You Love Me?) Dr. Laura holds a Ph.D. in
physiology from
David G. Myers
His Website:? http://www.davidmyers.org
???? David G. Myers
DAVID G. MYERS is the John Dirk Werkman Professor of
Psychology at
His scientific writings, supported by National Science Foundation grants and fellowships, have appeared in three dozen academic periodicals, including Science, the American Scientist, the American Psychologist, and Psychological Science.
David has digested psychological research for the public through articles in four dozen magazines, from Scientific American to Christian Century, and through seventeen books, including general interest books and textbooks.
His research and writings have been recognized by the Gordon Allport Prize, by an "honored scientist" award from the Federation of Associations in the Brain and Behavioral Sciences, by the Award for Distinguished Service on Behalf of Personality-Social Psychology, and by three honorary doctorates.
In recognition of his efforts to transform the way
Lori Gottlieb
Her Website:? http://www.lorigottlieb.com/
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Lori Gottlieb
Lori Gottlieb is the New York Times bestselling
author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough,
a surprising look at modern love, marriage, and what really matters for true
romantic happiness. A New York Times Editors' Choice selection, the book
was an international bestseller and has been translated into
fourteen languages.
Lori other books include the national bestseller, Stick Figure: A Diary of My Former Self, an American
Library Association "Best Books" selection and Book-of-the-Month Club
selection that was optioned for film by Martin Scorsese, who described it as
"Holden Caulfield goes on a misguided diet"; Inside the Cult of Kibu: And Other Tales of the Millennial Gold
Rush, an expos? of her experience as editor-in-chief of an online
magazine with a mission to "empower" teen girls but whose culture devolved
into "Heathers meets Lord of the Flies."; and I Love You, Nice to Meet You (co-written with
Kevin Bleyer of The
Daily Show with Jon Stewart) which comically explores the status of
modern relationships from the male and female points of view. Or as they like
to put it: ?Twice the perspective, half the insight.?
A contributing editor for The
Atlantic, Lori has also written for such publications as The New York Times, Time, People, Elle, Glamour, Marie Claire, Redbook, Self, Parents, Slate, More, and Salon and has contributed commentaries and feature
stories to NPR?s All Things Considered, This American Life, Weekend Edition, and Marketplace. Her
work has been included in numerous anthologies including the National Jewish Book
Award winner The Modern Jewish Girl's Guide to Guilt, The Secret Currency of Love, and The Best of Technology Writing. Lori has also
co-created original pilots for Showtime, Oxygen, TBS and Nickelodeon, and was a
staff writer on the NBC/Bravo series Significant Others,
a sitcom about couples in therapy.
Lori has been featured on, among other programs, The Today Show, Good Morning America, The Early Show,
CNN, Dr. Phil, Inside Edition, Entertainment Tonight, CNBC, Oprah
Radio, and NPR's "Talk of the Nation." She is a parenting
expert for Lifetime Moms and speaks
frequently at events across the country on topics including parenting,
relationships, teen girls, body image and media culture.
COLOR CODES
BLUE = Dr. Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell
MAROON = Dr. Laura Schlessinger
BROWN =? From ?The
American Paradox? by David G Myers
PINK = ?Affluenza? by John DeGraaf, David Wann, and Thomas Naylor
RED = EXTREMELY critical points that support
Happier Abroad?s notions?
Green = Lori Gottlieb
Black = My own comments mixed with quotes from Happier
Abroad?
Today?s
American Women Have Unrealistic Expectations of Men
"Most of the
women we interviewed insisted they were not looking for a prince charming
-then, without missing a beat, they described an equally unattainable ideal". It?s ironic that we?ve developed such lofty expectations of our potential husbands at a
time when nearly 50% of marriages still end in divorce. (Gen me pg 133)
*Ref the
above in blue, none of Jean Twenge?s books made any statement or reference
about men having unattainable ideals of women. I didn?t want anyone to think I
cherry picked and conveniently left out a similar statement in her book about
men. There simply was none.???
?
Interview with Lori
Gottlieb -? A New York Times bestselling author
?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VQ21rhASZk
00:30 - 00:50 - Lori talks about
a survey that asked if you could get 80% of the traits you want in
???????????????????????? a mate, do you think
you would be happy? The results? 93% of the woman said?
???????????????????????? "no, thats
settling", while the majority of men enthusiastically said
"yes, that is a
????????????????????????? catch".
2:14 -
3:32 Lori tells woman that the
reason why woman should settle for Mr good enough is
???????????????????????? the same reason why
Men are already happy with Mrs Good enough.
? The point being, woman seem to have
this expectation of the "perfect" mate and
??????????????? ?????????are always thinking someone better
will come along. Men on the other
? hand are much better at realizing that
such a perfect ideal in a mate isnt being
???????????????????????? realistic. She further
talks about how the typical American woman has a
? long list of demands that a man must
pass but at the same time these woman
????????????????????????
think that none of their own shit stinks and fail to trealize
that men will
? have to compromise on their
imperfections too.
3:33
- 6:36 When men were
asked about what qualities a woman would have to meet in
???????????????????????? order to earn a 2nd
date, men named 3 things: 1)cute enough- but doesnt have to
? be Angelina Jolie 2) warm and kind
3) Interesting to talk to.
??????????????????????? Woman on the other
hand named 300 things that would turn them off from going
??????????????????????? on a 2nd date and most
were FRIVILOUS items. Lori says that her research
??????????????????????? found that part of the
problem causing this pickiness with American woman is that
they have a perception that there are 1,000's of alternative men for
them to
????????????????????? ???choose from. She also says
woman are too picky about the things that dont
? matter but not picky enough about the
things that do matter. She states that her
???????????????????????? research concludes
that men can differentiate between fantasy and reality better than woman can.
6:37
- 9:01 Lori looked at studies
where Scientists conducted MRI studies of the brain with
???????????????????????? couples who were in
love (i.e. the enfatuation of butterflies and the cloud
? 9 type feeling) , they found that this only
lasts for 1.50 yrs to 3 years max. After
???????????????????????? that, whats becomes
important is the true chemistry of "getting each
? other", the sympatico, the friendship,
the shared value. This may be why
???????????????????????? Arranged marriages
have a far higher success rate than the "in love" type
? marriages that the Western
cultures depend on.
Too many
women in America have an off the chart sense of entitlement, and seem to think
that they deserve the best of the best in everything, as if they were some kind
of royalty. No man likes that. It?s unfeminine and unsweet. And it puts
unrealistic demands and expectations on the men. Add to this the fact that
?
American women
want someone who looks a certain way, and who has certain ?social skills? such
as dancing or clever conversation, someone who is interesting and exciting and
seductive. Now go to any international dating site and look at what the girls
say they want. It?s pretty simple, really. Over and over they state that they
are happy to settle down FOREVER with a man who is willing to try to hold down
a steady job and be a loving and understanding husband and father. Fact is,
more often than not, this will get you NOWHERE with most American women! Many
men opt for Women Overseas because most women would accept you for who you are,
not what you do or what you make.???
With many American women, if the men don't
fit a rigid and unrealistic criteria or she doesn't feel the man can take care
of her enough, then she will drop him like a hot potato, regardless of his
character or commitment to the relationship.
Read more on this
unrealistic expectations of American woman: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1213212/The-ego-epidemic-more-inflated-sense-fabulousness.html#ixzz19HTMlvJU
The American divorce
rate is through the roof in large part because American women?s unrealistic and
hard to please expectations. Ask any marriage counselor.
American Women Have An Overly
Large Sense of Entitlement
What
horrifies me time and time again is the evil some wives perpetrate in the name
of their ?feelings.? This is an extension of the entitlement issue. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 58)
I believe this
entitlement problem stem from the unsatisfying way many American women are
teaching themselves to live - which is, in essence, a self-centered way.
Women
have become selfish and have a sense of entitlement that is out of proportion. She berates women for feeling as if
the man should meet her needs without her making an equal effort to meet his.
She points to women who are so busy with outside careers, volunteering, hobbies
and children, that they neglect the one who should be number one in her life.
Dr. Laura is a working woman, and does not condemn women for working, but she
does insist that women must put their husbands above their work, and
even above their children. (http://www.takeninhand.com/book.review.of.dr.laura.schlessingers.the.proper.care.and.feeding.of.husbands)
In her book ?The Proper Care
and Feeding of Husbands?, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses the problems in the relationships
between husbands and wives in
A large number of married men in
This
grandiose self-centeredness about the value of women, paired with a
virtual disdain for men, leads women to treat men badly. Too many women look at
men with a sense of entitlement
versus an opportunity for
selflessness. Why? All of those forces taken together have given women a false
sense of superiority (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 54)
On my
radio program, I hear from too many women who believe that they are somehow entitled to have all their needs, wants, desires, and whims met by life
in general, and their men in particular, no matter what choices they?ve made
and no matter how poorly they treat their men
(Dr.
Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 103)
Unfortunately,
(in
This last paragraph by Dr. Laura really hits
the nail on the head! This paragraph by Dr. Laura explains why it is not an
exaggeration to say that it can be somewhat dangerous to marry an
American woman and why
3rd party review of Lori Gottlieb?s book -?
Chapter three of her book is titled How Feminism
Fucked Up My Love Life. "Feminism as a social movement is a great
thing," she says, "but unfortunately a lot of women grew up thinking
the 'we can have it all' mentality was feminism." The way she sees it,
this version of feminism has hurt women by inflating their egos and giving them
a false sense of what they deserve. "Part of it comes from the media and
the movies. Everything we see is always women telling each other how
fabulous they are and that they deserve the best. (AKA: entitlement comlexes) It happens in real life, too. Your friend
will say, 'Don't you think I can do better?' and we say, 'You go, girl; go
for the best!' even though we know maybe this guy is the best she can
get." And, she adds, neither are we honest with ourselves: "We think,
'Oh, I'm so unique and special' and in our romantic fantasies we think that
some guy is going to see us for how uniquely special we are, when most of us
are pretty ordinary." (Lori Gottlieb) http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/feb/06/lori-gottlieb-feminists-marriage
?
A quote from Lori Gottlieb?s book - ?A number of my single women friends admit (in hushed voices and after I swear I won?t use their real names here) that they?d readily settle now but wouldn?t have 10 years ago. They believe that part of the problem is that we grew up idealizing marriage?and that if we?d had a more realistic understanding of its cold, hard benefits, we might have done things differently. Instead, we grew up thinking that marriage meant feeling some kind of divine spark, and so we walked away from uninspiring relationships that might have made us happy in the context of a family. Our culture tells us to keep our eyes on the prize (while our mothers, who know better, tell us not to be so picky), and the theme of holding out for true love (whatever that is?look at the divorce rate) permeates our collective mentality.?http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/6651/
Again, we have a 3rd expert
confirming that American woman are misled by the media and hollywood and
romance novels that marriage is about some kind of valium state drip or a spark
that once gone, (which always eventually happens in 99% of marriages) they will
easily divorce because they feel like they are missing out on their so called ?soul mate experience?! Foreign woman are not
brought up with this unrealistic fantasy notion of what a marriage is supposed
to be about.?
American
Women Harbor
Before
quoting the experts, I want to point to one bit of obvious common sense
evidence that American woman, as a culture, are disdainful of men.? What I am referring to is the repeated use of
the words ?creepy? or ?stalker? when referring to men. Just look at my dating
profile comparison chart (foreign woman vs American woman)? and you can see these differences. You NEVER
will see foreign woman refer to men in these terms but it is extremely common
to hear American woman say these words about men.
When she
started in radio in her 20s, she was attracted by the women's movement.
"But I've been on the air for 29 years and now I say I'm a recovering feminist.
Feminists are women who are angry, starting with fairness and employment. Every
human being should have that, but the movement was co-opted by women who didn't
love either? men or femininity. They rant
about all this patriarchal nonsense. Women don't realize how angry they are.
(Source
- http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4188/is_20040415/ai_n11450192/?tag=mantle_skin;content)
When
Laura Schlessinger says that men are ?simple,? she doesn?t mean they are stupid
or limited. In fact, she decries the liberal, feminist agenda that seems dead
set on insulting men. She feels that young women have been raised in a culture
that is hostile to
men (http://www.takeninhand.com/book.review.of.dr.laura.schlessingers.the.proper.care.and.feeding.of.husbands)
To clarify, though, she says feminism ?isn?t all about hating men it?s largely about disdaining and dismissing them.?
Women want to be in love, get married, and live happily ever
after. Yet disrespect for men and disregard for the
value, feelings, and needs of husbands has fast become the standard for
male-female relations in
(http://www.campusprogress.org/articles/dr._laura_schlessinger/)
Most of
the women who complain that they are not getting what they want from their
husbands should stop and look at how disrespectful and disdainful they are of them. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of
Husbands, pg xiv)??
Unless
you?ve got a man with a frank mental or personality disorder (the exception not
the rule), men admittedly are putty in the hands of a woman they love. Give him
direct communication, respect, appreciation, food, and good loving, and he?ll
do just about anything you wish ? foolish or not. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and
Feeding of Husbands, pg xvii) ??
???
There
isn?t a day that goes by when I don?t ask at least one woman caller on my radio
program if she expects to stay married considering her hostile, dismissive, or undermining attitude and actions toward her
husband. What is even more amazing is that insensitivity to their husband?s
needs and feelings (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 1)
?????????
How is
it that so many women are angry with men in general yet expect to have a
happy life married to one of them? (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of
Husbands, pg 53)
?? ????????
?My experiences in private practice (as a marriage and family
Therapist), on air, and with the emails, faxes, and letters I?ve gotten from my
listeners draw an alarmingly clear picture of, in my opinion, gender abuse. That abuse consists of an amazingly crass disdain of wives for husbands? feelings. And it
causes husbands deep pain. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg
66)
??
?It is astonishing to which female society
denigrates a man?s sex drive, reducing him to merely a rutting animal with no
deeper context. Male sexuality is another subject that seems to elicit hostility in many women. A stay at home mother, Jessica belongs to a
number of groups, and the talk about sex is always anti male. She wrote that? the
majority of the women are just tired and see their husbands as selfish for ?wanting
some?. As I said in my chapter on communications, verbal exchange is but one
means of communication. A lot is said by one spouse to another by the
willingness to fulfill each other?s needs. Yet wives expect husbands to ignore their own neglected needs
and hurt feelings and do for them whatever they want?..or else! Mike?s letter was one of the most touching I received. He
began by saying: ? Dr. Laura, you have been openly supporting husbands. And
that is contrary to the popular ?man bashing? that I usually have to endure. ? Mike describes himself
as forty four years old, with three children. He is in his second marriage.
When months pass without sex or affection, the message I get is that I am
undesirable and have no value. If I were appreciated, I would be ?loved?.
Caring and nurturing is what I need to feel healthy and happy. ? (Note - foreign women are notorious for how nurturing
they are in comparison) I get so many letters
like Mike?s, and it tears up my heart to read about the depth of hurt men feel
from their wives sexually rejecting them. (Sexual Rejection -
HUGE problem with American woman)This isn?t
physical frustration, it?s real emotional hurt. Interestingly, one male
listener wrote that when wives constantly belittle and neglect their husbands?
sexuality, he believes these women are displaying the ?moral equivalent of
infidelity.? Perhaps we should start looking at the act of intentionally
depriving a spouse of his legitimate needs as infidelity, too, because it stems
from being unfaithful to the intent of the marriage vows. Sex is a serious
point of contention for many women. I can remember one female caller in
particular who complained that her husband wasn?t understanding about how
tired, burdened, and overwhelmed she was. He still wanted sex. I asked her what
was wrong with that since most people expect monogamy in marriages not
celibacy. That seemed to startle her, but only for a moment. She hit back with
the challenge, ?should I be expected to have sex when I don?t want to just
because he wants to?? I took a deep breath and answered , ?most of the time,
yes.? She was horrified and likened my response
to a call for some form of slavery. I
reminded her that she expected him to go to work and earn money to support the
family even on days he didn?t feel like it. I reminded her it?s called ?loving
obligation.?? (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg
126-134)
?
?The
destructive anti-male subtext
of the modern feminist agenda argues that catering to or deferring to a husband
is a slave like submission to the male. In fact, after the Southern Baptist
council published a statement on ?submission,? the media went crazy, railing
against their so-called backward, oppressive notions about women. (Dr. Laura,
Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 149)?
This
extreme paranoia and sensitivity to perceived male oppression is what makes
many American women automatically assume that men who go overseas for marriage
are looking for a wife to control or to have a submissive wife? who will do their bidding (there is that
?male oppression? thing again), when in reality we are just trying to escape
the dysfunctional traits that many (*Not all) American women bring into
relationships that ultimatley lead to our nations world leading divorce rate of? 50-60%, traits of which these experts are
talking about.
Too many
women have lost too many wonderful opportunities to have a happy and fulfilling
life by buying into the destructive notion that a woman becomes more if she
sees and treats men as less. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 163)
Lou
Dobbs report - Women finally realize feminism has failed
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXeszLlTX5E&feature=youtube_gdata_player
New study by the wharton school at the Univeristy of
?Feminism portrays women as either perpetual victims who can do no
wrong, or as creatures with superior rights to men.
American
Women Are Taught Not to Need Men
Gloria
Steinem wrote that ?women need men like fish need bicycles?. Unfortunately,
more than a generation of women have foolishly bought that destructive nonsense
and have denigrated men, marriage, familial obligation, and motherhood ? all to
their own detriment. Normal healthy women yearn to be in love, married, and
raising children with the man of their dreams. However, when their own
mothers, much less society, tell them that they don?t need men to be happy,
or to raise children, and that their own children don?t even need a mother
raising them (day care will do), it?s caused many women to lose the incentive
and the ability to treat their personal lives with the love, dedication,
sacrifice, compassion, and loyalty that will ultimately bring them happiness
and a sense of purpose. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg
xxii)?
The
feminist double whammy of the elevation of women without men (and children without fathers) and the dismissal of men as unnecessary or even dangerous has
certainly not contributed to the kind of positive disposition that women need
in order to function well within a monogamous, heterosexual committed
relationship. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 54)
Note that
in the last sentence Dr. Laura is implying that feminism has made American
women generally unable to function in a healthy manner in relationships.
Secondly, the above paragraph states how feminism has taught American women to
view men as dangerous. Yes, even Dr Laura affirms this as fact. This is
so true and partially explains why American women are usually so
unapproachable, defensive and paranoid, so they are not? easy to meet. Men do not feel comfortable or
natural trying to meet them. Hence few guys have the guts to approach
attractive females, not cause they lack courage, but because the females carry
a vibe that they don?t want to be approached.
Many
American Women Tend To Be Self-Centered
One male
listener wrote to me of his frustration with a double standard that exists
today. It was his perception that everything the woman feels or needs is
legitimate and very important, while anything related to the man is unimportant
and selfish. I think, as a generalizations go, he has a good point. Try visiting various female oriented internet
chat rooms, and you?ll find cheering sections rallying behind women who trash
their men, determined to leave them for trivial reasons (Once again, the experts are pointing to the tendency for American
women to divorce their men. This spoiled sense of entitlement causes our women
to create imaginary perceived transgressions)? (i.e. He?s not talkative
enough, I just don?t feel complete, I?m bored , or He doesn?t want me talking
to my mother every day) And while we?re talking about double standards, let?s
not forget what happens in the bedroom. Women expect their men to ?understand?
when they?re not interested in sex, but when the men don?t or can?t perform ?
watch out!? What causes this
double-standard mentality? In one big,?
hyphenated word: Self-Centeredness. And what is the source of this
self-centeredness? I believe it?s a result of the women?s movement, with its condemnation of just
about everything male as
evil, stupid, and oppressive, and the
denigration of female and male roles in families. The result is women get married thinking largely about what
their marriage and their man can do for them. And when there is so little emphasis on the giving, the
nitpicking and pettiness chews up and spits out what could have been a good
marriage. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 2-3)
Pop
psyche and women?s magazines generally recommend that when a woman is ?fed up?
with her life, it?s time for spas, solo vacations, more girlfriend time,
plastic surgery, affairs, or divorce. This is all in search for ?getting one?s own needs met.? (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 162)
The
stereotype of a woman insensitive to a man?s feelings is, unfortunately,
well?earned. This problem for men is one of a severe magnitude. Many women
treat their men?s feelings with disrespect and disregard. Women seem to imagine that that their husbands can, will, and
ought to take a lot of abuse and keep on ticking (Dr.
Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 79 & 81)
Bill , a
listener, wrote: ?Being married to a woman the opposite of my first wife, I am
painfully aware of the significance of the proper Care and Feeding of
Husbands.?
(Dr.
Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 90)
This difference
is what almost all previously divorced men say when they marry a foreign woman.
These guys often say their foreign wife is just the opposite of their American
ex-wife. Below are posts I found on the internet that points out such
differences.
?They
say foreign women are gold diggers, after you for the money. I have dated 2
foreign women, one for 3 years and my current fianc? for 6 years. Each one of
them refused expensive gifts, my fianc? made me return her first engagement
ring when she found out how much it cost and had me purchase a much smaller
diamond. They don?t like to eat at expensive restaurants, preferring to cook
and clean and help me in my business doing the hardest work to help me succeed.
American women on the other hand want to compete with their girlfriends on the
size of their diamonds, the type of carat and the size of the house, they don?t
cook and want to spend your money all day long and still bitch about it.??
??I was in the Navy and I have seen the light.
Women from other countries look better and treat you better too. I didn?t pay
for shit when I was overseas but I pay up the wazoo in the states.?
?Foreign
women are more family oriented which makes them more caring and nurturing?
?My
Joy is quick to say ?I love you?, ?Thank you?, and show respect very
frequently. This warms my heart and makes me more than willing to return my
love as well. While my American X is more inclined to say ?what have you done
for me lately?.
?Filipinas
are hard wired differently than many American women who grow up spoiled and
undisciplined. Filipinas don?t marry a guy because he is ?cute? or ?cut?. To
them, marriage is about security, family, and faith.????
The
issue of power struggles is at the core of many marital woes. The typical
complaint from men: she nags and is never grateful or satisfied. The typical complaint from women: He?s insensitive, doesn?t
meet my emotional needs , and won?t do anything around the house. And it goes
around and around and around as he becomes more disgruntled and she becomes
more frustrated. Both husband and wife are unhappy. Then they go to a
therapist, but sadly, much of the psychotherapeutic profession is populated by
folks with an agenda: Traditional values are out, men are the bad guys, and women are oppressed. Their cure is either to feminize the husband or suggest divorce. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 99)
I
believe that women basically take men for granted and want to mold them into an
image they have in their own minds of what a husband-their husband- should be.
Many women expect their husbands to always bend to their whim and will. (Dr.
Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 176)
Experts
claim that many American woman today are relationship
dysfunctional
American
Women ? The Bad Boy
Syndrome
In the
paragraph below, Dr Laura is touching upon the ?Bad boy? syndrome of
American woman which is caused by their dysfunctionality. This commonly known
syndrome is about how American woman often prefer the jerks instead of the nice
guys. In most other countries however, the reverse is true, Foreign? woman prefer the nice guys because foreign
woman come from healthier cultures where woman are simply more emotionally
stable and mature, and generally more well grounded than their American
counterparts.? Foreign woman simply
recognize that ?nice? guys make for a more healthy and stable relationship.
There seems to be a differential in ?emotional maturity?. I have traveled the
world and my own personal observation is that foreign woman are FAR more
emotionally mature than most woman in
As a
radio talk- show host/psychotherapist, I?ve got to tell you how remarkably true
and sad it is that so many women struggle to hold on to some jerk, keep giving
an abusive or Philandering man yet another chance, have unprotected sex with
some guy while barely knowing his last name, agree to shack up and risk making
babies with some opportunist or loser, all in a pathetic version of a pursuit
for love, but will resent the hell out of treating a decent, hardworking,
caring husband with the thoughtfulness, attention, respect, and affection he
needs to be content. It boggles my mind. What further puts me in boggle
overdrive is how seemingly oblivious and insensitive many women are to how
destructive they are being to their men and consequently to their marriages.
Women will call me to ask if its alright to go off on extended vacations
?without him? when they want freedom or R&R, or if its ok to cut him off
from sex because they?re annoyed about something or just too tired from their
busy day, or if they really have to make him a dinner when he gets home from
work because its just too tedious to plan meals. (Doctor Laura, Proper Care and
Feeding of Husbands, pg xiv)??
See this yahoo news video that discusses this dysfunctional part
of MANY American woman
http://screen.yahoo.com/let-s-talk-about-love-why-do-women-date-bad-boys-26790621.html
A FRENCH MAN SPEAKS
See this french man
accurately discussing this BAD BOY
problem with American woman. I must say, coming from a non professional, he really
understands the core psychological?
issues at work here.
THIS U TUBE VIDEO COVERS
THE CAUSES AND SOLUTIONS TO THE BAD
BOY SYNDROME??
?????????????????????????
Click here?http://www.youtube.com/user/FrenchView#p/u/8/jFM--rhtEJE
1:09 ? 1:57????? American woman?s overblown sense of entitlement and
explains why
???????????????????????? American woman grow up
so plastic.
???????????????????????? Part 1:54 ??? 1:56 ?The best advice for
most American woman
?
3:07 - ?? 4:06???? Explains why
American woman tend to be so emotionally unstable and
???????????????????????? dysfunctional in
relationships ? The nations divorce epidemic creates
???????????????????????? unavailable distant
fathers which leads to American woman seeking the
???????????????????????? same type of man into
adult hood which is why they desire the un
???????????????????????? obtainable ?bad boy?
types instead of descent nice guys.?
??
4:07 -?? 4:31?????
Explains why American woman tend to nag and complain when her bad boy isn?t giving
???????????????????????? her what she wants
(duh) and then these American woman have the gull to ask ?where have all the
???????????????????????? good guys gone? or
proclaim ?men are jerks?. The result is these woman walk away jaded due to
???????????????????????? their own
dysfunctional bad choices in men. It messes up their psyche. This makes it
harder for
???????????????????????? them to function in
relationships in a healthy manner.??
4:47 -? 5:57?????? (I LOVE THIS PART!!) -Woman, listen up to the Frenchman! He gives a helpful common
????????????????????????? sense tip to
American woman that will bring them more happiness and stability in their lives
Articles that prove that the Frenchman
knows what he is talking about
http://ezinearticles.com/?Why-Good-Girls-Like-Bad-Boys&id=441596
?As you already know the relationship you
had with your father shapes the relationships you will have with other males.
If you grew up without a father or if he was emotionally unavailable you may
find yourself getting involved with men who act just like your father. Although
you risk getting hurt by being with a bad boy. You might be hoping that if you
stick around long enough eventually he will give you the love you didn't get at
home.?
Dr Laura talks about one of her callers that she says is typical of American woman these days:
??She discovered that she was becoming more naggy, hostile,
and bitter, with a growing feeling that she was being cheated out of life. When
her husband came home, she stopped going to the door with a hug and a kiss,
stopped showing affection, stopped having sex, and even stopped the good-night
kiss. Basically, she was blaming her husband for her unhappines, insiting that
it was up to him to go out of his way to please her and pamper her to make up
for how difficult her life was. Never mind how difficult his day was- which was
only amplified by his wife?s angry discontent.? (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of
Husbands, pg 121-122)?????
The toll
that America
This
box below contains quotes by leading American experts describing how cycling
through numerous sexual/hook up type of relationships (as we do here in
EXPERT OPINION REGARDING THE EFFECTS OF
One reason the fangs may come out quickly is that many
women who have cycled through too many intimate relationships, shack-ups, and
marriages, have developed a well of pain and disappointment. (Dr. Laura,
Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 51)
Another cultural-level manifestation of the narcissism epidemic in
relationships is the trend toward ?hook ups,? aka ?friends with benefits,? and
other commitment free relationships. These types of? sexual encounters are perfect for a
narcissist who can get what he wants but then easily move on to the next
partner, no strings attached. ?(The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 224)
The cycle of meeting someone, falling in love, and
breaking up is a formula for anxiety and depression (Generation Me, pg 111)
It was clear to me that we?re turning a generation of kids who don?t
know how to have a relationship (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 225)
Women now approach sex similarly to the way men do. Today?s young
women are not afraid to pursue
sexual pleasure and are very assertive in going after what they want
(Generation Me, pg 162-164)
According to many
experts such as Dr. Laura Schlessinger and Jean Twenge, this type of easy come
and easy go casual sex hook up pattern in the
See this
brief YouTube video that talks about this ?emotional baggage? issue.
U-TUBE video-------? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Np4UQX-3jRk
?
The
effects of feminism on relationships
One caller
to my radio program called in to complain about her ?demanding? husband. She
works full time and is involved in all sorts of activities. It seems he was
unhappy in his new marriage because his wife, my caller, was not spending time
with him in or out of bed. She described an unbelievably hectic daily schedule,
remarking that she just had too much on her plate to have time or energy or
impulse to be intimate at all, much less physically intimate, with her new
husband. I immediately suggested that she take a cosmic spoon and dump stuff
off her plate to make room for her new marriage, for her husband, for their
relationship. She immediately came back with, ?But shouldn?t he just be
understanding?? I almost flipped! He should be understanding about being ignored,
about being at the bottom of her priority list? I responded, ?why should he
agree to be a boarder in his own home, with no effort at all from you for a
personal relationship? Why should he be sanguine about that? Why should he be
sympathetic to your choice to exclude him from your life??? Her answer, so telling, was ?Ohhhh. I didn?t
see it that way at all.? I reiterated that she had to dump much of what she was
voluntarily allowing to hog up her plate and make room for him, or he was going
to dump her off his plate, and that I wouldn?t blame him much at all. These
calls are not aberrant. They
reflect typical attitudes of a preponderance of women in today?s
Dr. Laura has just made a very critical point that warrants
repeating here. ?These calls are not
aberrant. They reflect typical attitudes of
a preponderance of women in today?s America.? Hence, Dr. Laura is saying that these issues
apply to not just a certain small segment of American women. It applies to the
preponderance. According to Webster?s dictionary, Synonyms
of preponderance include? -?
predominance,
majority, mass, bulk.
?
One of
the most typical ways that a wife misuses power over her husband is by her
angry disappointment. Michelle, a listener, expressed this so well: ?My husband
and I have been married for ten years. When we first married I started to watch
soap operas. I expected my husband to treat me like the lovers of the soap
opera stars were treated ?without the cheating, of course. I blamed my husband
for my unhappiness. If I was unhappy, I expected him to drop everything to make
me happy. If he took me to dinner, I would feel neglected because he did not buy
me flowers. My friends would readily agree with me that I was neglected and
should not have to pick up his dirty socks off the floor. I was miserable and
so? was he.?? (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of
Husbands, pg 10)??????
The ugly
part about the feminist movement is that it supports personal success, acquisition, accomplishment, power, and the feminist political
agenda over love,
marriage, and family.
(Dr.
Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 10) (Relating to this quote - further below in
this report under the divorce section we quote an expert report that states
that woman who ascribe to feministic values have a higher rate of divorce than
those who ascribe to more traditional values)
Dr. Laura?s vocally opposes both comprehensive sex education and
abortion. Feminism, she argues, is endangering the sacred rite of motherhood,
?brainwashing women that money
replaces husbands, fathers and marriage.?
In Dr. Laura?s mind, feminism is not only responsible for the deterioration of the family, but also for the disintegration of
intimacy between men and women.
In a column titled ?How Low Can Women
Go?? ?The ultimate baseness and immorality of a culture depends on
what women will
themselves do and tolerate from their men," she wrote. "Since the
1960s, the so-called liberation
of women has proven itself to be a liberation from just about everything that
could possibly be of value for a women and for the society she influences by
her choice in a man and her commitment to raising the next generation of
citizens.?
(http://www.campusprogress.org/articles/dr._laura_schlessinger/)
The
usual way the liberally biased media handles the issue of overextended women is
to further condemn men for not picking up the slack at home ? for letting their
wives take on most of the burden of cleaning, cooking, and raising the
children. First of all, it just isn?t true ?men do and always have helped out.
Yes, I know the very phrase ?helped out? makes a lot of feminists furious, but
that?s because they don?t see men and women as having different temperaments,
needs, attitudes, physiology, or psychology; they see a unisex world. And yet that world exists only in their na?ve imaginations. In
the real world of humans, women have a unique urge toward bonding and nesting
and nurturing. Men have a unique urge toward protecting, providing, and
conquering. That doesn?t mean men can?t nurture children or that women can?t
climb mountains, but it does mean that beneath individual variations in
constitution and temperament, women and men are different. Compatibility and
harmony are best served when that difference is respected and, yes, even
enjoyed, instead of denied or degraded. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of
Husbands, pg 27)
If there
is one basic assumption I believe that most married women make, it is that
their husbands are to serve them,
and that any demands husbands make are insensitive and
selfish. When I
tell women callers that they are obligated to their husbands for such-and-such,
I generally get two reactions: The first is surprise, the second is anger over perceived oppression. Think about it for even one minute: How
many women?s magazines talk about women?s obligations to their men and
children? Not many. The typical article is about deserving freedom. These days, so many young women are
products of divorces or never created homes, were neglected by career mothers,
were indoctrinated by the
anti-family feminists throughout their schooling, and are surrounded
by a culture that glorifies selfish gratification over sacrifice, it?s no wonder so many women are
?surprised? to not only hear of their obligations to husbands and children, but
are also amazed at the gratification derived from doing so. (Dr. Laura, Proper
Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 32)
The
Universal complaint of men who emailed my web site with their opinions about
?The proper care and feeding of husbands?? was that their wives criticize, complain, nag, rarely
compliment or express appreciation, are difficult to satisfy, and basically are not as nice to them as
they?d be to a stranger ringing their doorbell at 3AM! These are not men who
hate their wives or who were divorced; on the contrary, they are guys who love
their wives and are trying to do whatever they can to please them. However they
are miserable and lonely. I?m convinced that too many wives don?t know what to
do or how to communicate if they?re not complaining, nagging, or criticizing. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 38 &
41)
Far from
being oppressed in marriages, most wives
are the oppressors. (Note: Dr. Laura says ?most?). I can hardly remember more than a handful
of times while I was in private practice working with couples in troubled
marriages that a wife would respond with openness, compassion, and sensitivity
to her husband?s display of feelings. The typical response would be shock, anger,
reproach, threats, and tears. That?s oppression folks. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 75)
Many
American women let themselves go
Per
Dr. Laura Schlessinger on American women:
?Shahina, a listener, wrote
about her sad story of divorce after ten years of marriage. Her husband
left her, complaining that they had so little time together (because she was
over involved with her mommy and daddy) and he no longer found her attractive.
It seems she had gained a tremendous amount of weight by eating too much and
exercising too little. I can bet that the reaction of most woman upon reading
that is to get their hackles up and proclaim her husband as shallow.
Frankly, that hostile reaction itself demonstrates a shallow
self centeredness. The impact on our bodies of natural aging,
, illness, pregnancies, and so forth is a simple fact of life. The inability to
accept these realities betrays immaturity or worse. At the same time, though,
the unwillingness to accept responsibility for the upkeep of one's physical or
emotional well-being should be met with consternation by a spouse because it is
an assault on the marital covenant. And the disregard of the unique feelings
and needs of one's spouse is a selfish insult.
"I
would try to tell him that I would go on a diet and exercise to lose weight and
become more attractive. I thought I would do these things for him so that he
would find me attractive. I knew deep down that I did not want to do those
things because I wanted him to love me and accept me just the way I
was."
This is
not an unusual sentiment for me to hear from woman, who express hostility that
their husbands would like them to clean up, dress up, and tone up. They
act like their husbands are selfish, sex crazed, superficial, insensitive
barbarians, which isn't the case. The "if they loved me, they
wouldn't make a fuss about such things" point of view is simply irresponsible
and destructive. As I said in my chapter on communication,
verbal exchange is but one means of communication. A lot is
said by one spouse to another by the willingness to fulfill each other's needs. Men
have the emotional need to see their wives as desiring them, and the way the
wives take care of and present themselves expresses that love.? (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of
Husbands, pg 123-126)
Dr. Laura Nails it on this one. Foreign woman
generally DO NOT let themselves go.
Feminism?s
Portrayal of Men as Fools
A
man wants to be affirmed in his authority as husband and father, not mothered
like a child.
In
my lifetime the popular image of the father has undergone a transformation from
the dignified Robert Young in Fathers Knows Best to the bumbling fool Homer
Simpson.
When you watch a
Men
portrayed as foolish and childish, requiring women to take charge??
(For
a excellent discussion on this topic - see https://www.happierabroad.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=25094
A comical video on
this subject
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-rLc5SOSAU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
00:00 - 1:00 ??? ?comments on how American media portrays men as foolish, stupid, and feeble minded. He
????????????????????????? says no other country has this anti male orientation.
4:22-? 4:38??????? American commercials portraying men as bumbling fools is insanity
Then we hear from
actor Dirk Benedict of the famed Battlestar Galactica series of the 80?s
Here is
what original star Dirk benedict had to say about the differences between the
1980's TV show and now: See http://www.enotes.com/topic/Dirk_Benedict
.
He relates the change to what he perceives
as a
general anti-masculinity agenda,
saying "One
thing is certain. In the new un-imagined, re-imagined world of Battlestar
Galactica everything is female driven. The male characters, from Adama on down,
are confused, weak, and wracked with
indecision while the female characters are decisive, bold, angry as hell, puffing cigars (gasp)
and not about to take it anymore."
Women in
By and large,
men tend to get a sense of approval from their success at work and from their
wives? happiness. So talking to a grown man, the father of your children and
the major financial supporter of your family, in that ?mother tone,? as though he were a very naughty or irresponsible child , is in direct opposition to his wanting to
have a wife and family who are in awe of him for who he is and what he does for
them. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of
Husbands, pg 78)
American
Women?s Masculinity Scores Over Time
???????????
When Dr. Twenge
compared standardized testing of masculinity scores with testing done in the
50's compared to 2006 test scores, the 2006 test scores showed that,
?
?"50% of the women in my sample scored as
"masculine" on the test, meaning that they had endorsed significantly
more of the stereotypical masculine traits (like assertive) than the feminine
items. When the test was written in 1973, only about 20% of the women
scored that way. (Generation Me, Pg 12)
She
further states: "The
average 1990's college women reported more "masculine" traits
than 80% of Boomer college women in the early 1970's. The change was so large
that by the early 1990's men and
women's scores on the scale of so called masculine traits were
indistinguishable. The
generational change in masculinity had turned the very definition of the scale
on its head: clearly these traits were no longer masculine, but simply
human" (Generation Me, pg 12)
The 1960?s
might have been the sexual revolution, but apparently it was just the
beginning. For her masters thesis with me, Brooke Wells gathered data on sexual
behavior and attitudes from research reports on 269,649 young people collected
over four decades - the most comprehensive study ever done of change over time
in sexual behavior. Both men and women?s sexual behavior shifted with time, but the changes for women were the
most striking. Women
now approach sex similarly to the way men do. Today?s young women are not
afraid to pursue sexual pleasure and
are very assertive in going after what they want (Generation Me, pg
162-164)????
Research
shows that girls who participate in sports are more likely to develop traits
like independence and competitiveness (Generation Me, pg 193)
Studies
have found that girls with working mothers are more likely to embrace
traditionally masculine traits like ambition and independence.
In
NOTE-
This does not make these particular American woman bad or less as human beings.
Im simply pointing out the fact that generally speaking, woman in America have
lost touch with their soft feminine side. Some men are fine with that and that
is great if so. But many other men prefer more feminine, soft, sweet, and
nurturing woman as partners.
Masculinity
and Traditional Gender Roles Under Attack
It may
be a surprise for many women to imagine that their husbands are in pain because
of their behavior towards them. In all fairness, men do tend to be more stoic
than women; they try to be strong and carry on no matter what. I do not fault
that at all. That is a description of masculinity, one that has been under
attack from a feminized culture that denies the importance of such inner
strength and fortitude. Without those and other masculine characteristics, much
of Western civilization would not have evolved. I do believe that it?s to no
betterment of men and society that women temper and civilize these masculine
characteristics; however, to deny the reality and value of masculine traits
altogether is cruel towards boys and men, not to mention foolish, as it undermines the home and country (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of
Husbands, pg 6) We all
know that America is in decline. With feminism?s assault on the family unit,
(as Dr. Laura was quoted as saying) when the family unit decays, morals and
values go down the tubes as well. They are replaced with such negative
characteristics like Narcissism. Dr.Jean Twenge identifies narcissism as being
responsible for the financial crises and other negative trends we see around us
today.????
Women
Should Appreciate Men?s Masculinity
Dr. Laura relates a trip she made recently to a swimming pool. A mom and a dad were wading with their infant child. Mom held the child against her chest, cooed to him, and swooped him up and down. She passed the baby to dad. He turned the baby?s face outward and swooshed him forward and up into the air. ?Mom equals protection and nurturance. Dad equals autonomy and adventure. It is the perfect balance that helps produce a functional, secure human being.? Too many women, though, act like Alice Kramdens, constantly belitting their husbands, shooting down their aspirations, treating them like children. Dr. Laura writes: ?When a wife treats her man like he?s one of her children, when she puts him down or thwarts his need for autonomy, adventure, risk, competition, challenge, and conquest, she ends up with a sullen, uncooperative, unloving, hostile lump.?
?
Feminist
educators and activists keep trying to squeeze men and women into niches that
may simply not be a good match for their innate qualities as individuals as
well as their unique masculine and feminine drives. It is more in the female
nature to nest and nurture. It is more in the male to conquer and protect.
Frankly, the more we ignore the true, inherent masculine and feminine qualities
of people, the farther apart we pull them. Interestingly, a major study
reported in April 2002 at an American Heart association forum concluded, after
following patterns of heart disease and death among nearly four thousand
participants for ten years, that men and women who defy traditional societal
roles may suffer more health consequences, such as heart disease, than those
who adhere to traditional roles. According to an ABC news report: ?The
investigators did not find that high amounts of job stress, characterized as
having high demands with little autonomy, was associated with an increased risk
of heart disease. However, they did find that women who were in positions of
high authority with high job demands suffered higher rates of heart disease
than other women, although their male counterparts did not. Similarly, men who
dubbed themselves primarily as house husbands ? about 10% of the participants-
had an 82% higher ten year death rate than men who worked outside the home.?? Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 154)????????
What
does it mean, in concrete terms,? to treat
one?s husband with respect? To start with, a man likes and needs to be treated
like he is ?the man.? That seems to be difficult for a lot of women to do,
partly because they have been brought up with notions of ?unisexuality,? the
sadly mistaken and destructive belief that men and women have no
differences - and whatever men want or do that women don?t appreciate is
stupid, wasteful, and self-indulgent. Well, the fact is, men and women are
different physically, psychologically, motivationally, and temperamentally.
Anyone who has had exposure to babies and children can tell you that boys and
girls respond differently to the world right from the start. Give both a doll
and the girl will cuddle it, while the boy will more likely use it as a
projectile or weapon. Give them two dolls and the girl will have the dolls
talking to each other, while the boy will have them engage in combat. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and
Feeding of Husbands, pg 160-161)???
One of
the unfortunate consequences of the feminist movement is a lack of respect for
the uniqueness and specialness of femininity and masculinity. (Dr. Laura,
Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 103)
The
notion of ?fixed roles? is inflammatory and controversial. It shouldn?t be so.
I?ve said it many times on my program that women have become denigrated by that
part of the feminist movement that dismisses marriage, child rearing, and
home-making as insignificant and insulting to women. As long as women
disrespect what they have to offer as wives and mothers, they will continue to disrespect their men who serve as husbands and fathers. No one benefits. No
one is happy
(Dr.
Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 169-170)
Materialism
and Sense of Entitlement
?It?s
Not Enough, I Want More!?
Materialism
is one of the most obvious examples of
Many
people in the
In a
College
professors often comment that today?s students feel they deserve special
treatment. In 2007, a Harvard professor noted that, 20 years ago, when students
were sick and missed an exam?.they used
to be apologetic and just grateful that I would even offer a makeup. These days I have kids who think
its no big deal to miss a test due to personal conflict, and then they think
they should decide when I give the makeup. Others students expect to get good
grades just for paying tuition, even telling faculty members, ?You work for
me.??? A survey of college students
published in 2008 confirmed these perceptions. Two thirds of students believed
their professor should give them special consideration if they explained they
were trying hard (apparently missing the point that grades are given for
performance, not just for trying). One third believed they deserved at least a
B just for attending class. And ? perhaps most incredible- one third thought
they should be able to reschedule their final exam if it interfered with their
vacation plans.?
(The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 231-232)
Gen Me?s
brand of self-importance also shows up as materialism. Generation me is likely to remain unsatisfied
unless they earn heaps of money One
survey found that 1990?s high school students were twice as likely as their
1970?s counterparts to say that ?having lots of money? was ?very important?.
This may explain the
materialism I feel I see so much of in the dating scene. Most ladies at
Match.com post minimum income requirements, usually 40K -50K on
up! Interestingly enough, American Foreign born ladies on
American dating sites almost never list minimum incomes.
Obviously,
money is important in many ways. The attraction of money is understandable in a
time when the necessities of life cost so much more. For many couples, it takes
two incomes to achieve t he financial stability that many of their parents
achieved on one salary. What is less apparent is why this money is needed to
buy material goods whose purpose is to tell the world ? and even to prove to yourself - that you are important
and successful. (The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 163)???
In past
decades, material standards were far below what they are now. Children then
wanted a nice doll, not a $400 I pod. They were lucky if they got a birthday
party at all, much less one with entertainment and lavish presents. Part of the
difference then was the relative absence of advertising. There was no TV or
radio constantly exposing us to the idea that everyone deserves a birthday
party with presents better than salt and pepper shakers. (The Narcissism
Epidemic, pg 170)
People
whose primary motivations are financial are much more likely to be anxious and
depressed than people who value strong relationships with others. (Generation Me, pg 132)
Partly
helps explain why
Materialism
is the most obvious outcome of a straight forward, practical focus on the self:
you want more things for yourself. You feel entitled to get the best in life;
the best clothes, the best house, the best car. You're special, you deserve special things" (Generation Me, pg 100)
This
perfectly describes what men face in the American dating scene today
Affluenza
victims get stuck in the more mode, not knowing when or how to stop. Consuming
becomes pathological because its importance grows larger and larger in direct
proportion to our decreasing satisfaction. It?s the same in restaurants, fast
food outlets, and movie theaters, where portions get bigger , and then get
huge. Plates of food become platters, boxes of popcorn become buckets. Our
stomachs expand to accommodate the larger portions, which we soon regard as
normal. This is the plight of the affluenza addict: Even too much is not
enough. (Affluenza, pg 111)
Bridezillas
The way
American culture glorifies weddings and getting married seems to ignore the
self?sacrificing, committed relationships these celebrations should be
showcasing. Instead
they end up celebrating narcissism. As Rebecca Mead points out in ?One perfect day?: the selling of
the American Wedding, ?the bridal magazines promote?..the idea that a bride
deserves to be the center of attention for the entire period of her
engagement?. For sixteen months, it is her privilege, her right-indeed, her
obligation-to become preoccupied with herself, her appearance, her tastes, and
her ability to showcase them to their best advantage.? The self-obsession of
some brides has inspired a new word: Bridezilla. As Wikipedia put it in 2008,
the term describes ?a difficult, unpleasant, perfectionist bride? who leaves aggravated family, friends and
bridal vendors in her wake. A bridezilla obsessed with her wedding as her
perfect day and will disregard the feelings of the family, bridesmaids, and even
her groom in her quest for the perfect wedding.? Slate.com?s Emily Yoffe asks ,
?When did getting married become an exercise in acquired situational
narcissism?? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 229)??
?
America
?The individualist ethos of
Even this
expert confirms just how anxious, stressed, and unhappy Americans
seem to be.
Ask
anyone who has extensive international travel experience, they will all tell
you that people of poor 3rd world countries seem to be quite happy,
even more so than us Americans. Their lives seem so much more fulfilled with a
sense of inner peace that most Americans simply do not have. This has been my
general impression thus far.
In fact,
consider this quote from Pierce Morgan of CNN who agrees with this fact.
?Yes, I think I've met more unhappy rich people than poor people
and the reason I say that, I went to
(source-http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/1112/25/pmt.01.html
)
Individualism
and serving yourself are dead ends. The only way that you?ll ever feel good
about yourself is by helping other people. Strong relationships and community
keep us true to who we are and help us see what our lives are meant to be.
(Generation Me, pg 240) Foreigners
tend to have a stronger sense of community and seem to have closer
relationships with others that are more deep and real and authentic compared to
many Americans. Its also well known even among many Americans that foreigners
have closer family ties also.This is why they make better relationship and
marriage partners, they are more connected to others .
American
culture is obsessed with getting across the message that we are all different
and all unique. Why not emphasize instead what makes us all similar as human
beings? That message promotes the good side of individualism: Tolerance of all
people, regardless of race, sex, sexual orientation, or background. (The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 105)??
The value of
uniqueness is taught very early in American culture. Uniqueness is often
emphasized to children with phrases like, ?There is no one in the world quite
like you.?? A preschool in
If
individualism does corrode family commitments, we should first expect to see
that rising individualism correlates with family decline over the long run ?which
it does.
(The American
Paradox, pg 182) This is so CRITICAL! The message is that choosing marriage partners who
do not come from individualistic cultures will serve you best in the long run.
Your odds of having a happy family are much higher with foreign woman. And of
course this is reflected in the 20% divorce rate with foreign woman compared to
the 50-60% divorce rate in
America
Feminism
Increases Likelihood of Divorce
There is
evidence that women with traditional sex role attitudes are indeed less likely
to divorce than those with feminists attitudes (The American Paradox, pg 45-46)
The
feminist attitude is anti male, and all about not needing men, so naturally
American women are far easier to divorce than foreign women who still have
traditional values and have been raised in a culture where they have a innate
need for men. I?m not implying American women are innately bad, I just
don't think the current generation of woman, in general, has produced good
family partners. Of course there are exceptions, and they are treasured -
mostly women from small towns, or real ?christian girls? in my experience.
The
40-50% of marriages that do survive in
?
?In
? If individualism corrodes family commitments, we should also
expect to see greater individualism linked with weaker family bonds across
cultures ? which we do. The
?Individualists also feel more frustration with their
marriages: they criticize their partners more severely and express less
marital happiness.? (The American Paradox, pg 184) Again, this explains why it is riskier to
marry someone from an individualistic culture such as America, and explains
what contributes to our abysmal divorce rate which leads to broken families
where more kids grow up in 1 parent households which leads to harmful consequences
for these kids that lasts a lifetime.Broken homes also leads to harmful
consequences for society too. (crime, juvenile delinquency, poorer academic
performance etc)
?Lower rates of divorce in previous decades might even suggest
that they were better at relationships than we are. Maybe we
love ourselves a little too much? (Generation
Me, pg 90)
?There is an increasing demand for effective independent functioning without emotional reliance
on others. If these trends continue, (as it looks
like they are) the divorce rate in
?Now, (in
In the two quotes
directly below, both Dr Jean Twenge and Dr Laura Schlessinger talk about how woman
in America today expect to be in love all the time and often divorce when they
feel they are no longer getting that ?lovin? feelin. As these experts both say,
this idea of ?having to be in love? all the time or ?having to have that
magical lovin feeling? to stay married is something most American woman have
fallen victim too.
?
?TV and movie writers seem to be obsessed with the search for ?magic? relationships.
Everyone wants a magic relationship that feels different and special. Ordinary
relationships, apparently, are for undesirable people and previous eras.
Unfortunately, in the real world, these magic relationships are about as stable
as some atomic particles, disappearing faster than they can be measured.? (The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 229)
?Unfortunately, (in
Marriage is more
about compatibility, and more importantly, about an obligation and a commitment
to the institution of marriage, something which should be valued as greater
than the self. This is an ideal that most foreign woman still value and most
Americans, especially the woman, no longer believe in. Not to say that there
aren?t situations where divorce is absolutely necessary, it?s just that in
general, Americans take it far too lightly and usually make little to no effort
to work on saving their marriages. Few Americans are willing to put in the hard
work in an effort to make it work.When problems hit, Americans quit.
Conclusion: Marrying a woman who has not been brought up in a self focused
individualistic cultural will naturally increase your odds of a successful
and happier marriage.
Woman in
Secret
Behind Success Of Arranged Marriages ?Americans can learn from this
http://www.newsplex.com/mobi?storyid=15647947
?
??
Source - http://www.villagevoice.com/2011-02-09/news/dear-single-women-of-nyc-it-s-not-them-it-s-you/4/
?More people in
Eat, Pray, Love' author tackles marriage - CNN
http://www.city-data.com/forum/relationships/1364783-marriage-hits-all-time-low-united-29.html#ixzz1gurrRMM3? Love is a very fragile thing to base a long
term relationship on. I'll grant you that it's a necessary ingredient, but it's
never ever enough all by itself.
Elizabeth Gilbert, bestselling author of Eat, Pray, Love,
and most recently a book on marriage called Committed,
mentioned what she discovered about stuying marriage in different cultures in a
recent CNN interview:
If you look at the history of marriage, anytime you see a conservative
culture of arranged marriage being replaced by a more liberal culture of
romantic marriage ... you will see divorce rates start to rise immediately.
It turns out that love is a very
fragile notion upon which to base a very important and complicated institution.
I think most people throughout history would look at the way we choose our
marriages today and just think, my God, these people took huge risks. They risk
their future, financial stability, property and their heirs on something as
fragile and delicate as romantic affection.
It's not that that necessarily means
that I advocate a return to arranged marriage, it just helps put in perspective
why contemporary western marital arrangements can become so chaotic.
?It sounds obvious now, but I didn?t fully
appreciate back then that what makes for a good marriage isn?t necessarily what
makes for a good romantic relationship. Once you?re married, it?s not about
whom you want to go on vacation with; it?s about whom you want to run a
household with. Marriage isn?t a passion-fest; it?s more like a partnership
formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business. And I
mean this in a good way.
Marriage
ultimately isn?t about cosmic connection?it?s about how having a teammate, even
if he?s not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all. (Lori
Gottlieb) http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/6651/
Americans
are Lonely and Depressed
America
is one of the worst, if not the worst countries for social life, , dating, and
mental health. All the mental health studies out there conclude that Americans
have the highest rate of mental illness in the entire world. Going to a
therapist or psychologist is mostly a
It is a
raw, statistical fact that
The United States
holds claim to the highest rate of mental illness, the highest rate of obesity,
the highest rate of eating disorders (anorexia), the highest rate of childhood
murders and suicides, the highest rate of adolescent drug use of any
industrialized nation, , the highest?
rate of? incarceration (8 to 10
times that of Europe)? as our capacity to
produce criminals has outstripped our capacity to house them, the highest rate
of adolescent pregnancy in the Western world, highest rate of divorce, fewer
and more unhappier marriages. Lastly, the
Lastly, many visitors to the US remark that Americans as a whole do
not look happy at all, despite being the richest nation on Earth, but instead
look very grumpy, irritable, and fat.
Never
has a culture experienced such physical comfort combined with such
psychological misery. Never have we felt so free, or had our prisons so
overstuffed. These are the best of times materially, but not the best of times
for the human spirit. (The American Paradox, pg 138)
??
Another
price tag on individualism is the increased risk of depression which is highest
in individualistic countries. Our epidemic of depression is a creature of
today?s ?maximal self? which has brought with it a diminished sense of
community and loss of higher purpose. These together provide rich soil for
depression to grow in. Having forgone commitments to things larger than self
(God, country, family) where can we now turn for identity, for purpose, and for
hope? (The American Paradox, pg 182)
Just look
at my Dating
Profiles Comparisons. The foreign girl profiles continuously talk of faith, God, and a focus on family. They have far better values
and a greater sense of purpose. Then look at American women profiles and it?s
mostly nothing but a selfish list of demands that oozes a hard to please
attitude. The American women profiles also have a? focus on money, high minimum income
requirements. Any mention of money or hidden key words about money is
completely absent in foreign lady profiles. ?
?
Only 1% to
2% of Americans born before 1915 experienced a major depressive episode during
their lifetimes, even though they lived through the Great Depression and two
world wars. Today, the lifetime rate of major depression is ten times higher -
between 15% and 20%. Some studies put the figure closer to 50%. Depression is
very commonplace in
Gen Me has
so much more than previous generations- we are healthier. Advances in
healthcare and safety mean more kids live longer and better lives. We enjoy
countless modern conveniences, and are better educated. We have been remarkably
free of traumatic historical events. Except for a few recessions here and
there, economic prosperity has reigned. There have been no world wars. Gen Me
has never been drafted. Shouldn?t we be happier now? Generation Me often lacks
other basic human requirements: stable close relationships, and a sense of community.
The
"Our
growing tendency to put the self first leads to unparalleled freedom, but it
also creates an enormous amount of pressure on us to stand alone. This is the
downside of the focus on the self- when we are fiercely independent and
self-sufficient, our disappointments loom large because we have nothing else to
focus on. Our social
contacts are slight compared to those enjoyed by earlier generations. For example, my friend Peter moved into an
apartment on the North Side of
Twice as
many 15 to 24 yr olds are in one person households now compared to 1970, as are
almost three times more 25 to 34 year olds. More than 1 out of 3 people aged 25
to 29 lives alone or with roommates. (Generation Me, pg 114)
This explains
EVERYTHING I've experienced traveling abroad. Many Americans who have traveled
to Latin America and Asia comment on how happy and content the
people seem, even though they are poor and have very little, they are
happy. They have close family networks and do not live by this
"stand on your own" independent ethos that
A lot of
people in
When
poor but close-knit Mexican families immigrate to individualistic
Seven
large investigations, each following thousands of people over years of time,
reveal that close relationships also contribute to health. People who are
supported by close relationships with friends, family, or members of church,
work, or other groups are less likely to?
die prematurely than those with few social ties. In other studies,
leukemia patients preparing to undergo bone marrow transplants had a 54%
survival rate after two years if they felt strong support from family or
friends, and 20% survival if not. ?Woe to the one who is alone and falls and
does not have another to help? said the sage of Ecclesiastes. People who have people
are not only the luckiest people alive , but also the happiest and healthiest.
(The American Paradox, pg 193)
??
Traveling overseas
you see how much happier than Americans foreigners are, even if extremely poor.
They have a sense of community and connectedness that is missing in American
social life. America is in reality a very nonsocial and segregated culture
designed for business, not social connection or healthy
relationships. This is
evidenced by the fact that most lonely people in
There is a
kind of famine of warm interpersonal relations, of easy to reach neighbors, of
solid family life in
?
We?re
psychologically malnourished from eating a junk food diet of instant messages,
email, and phone calls rather than a healthy food of live, in person
interaction. (Generation Me, pg 110)
Almost half
of Gen Me have seen their parents divorce, or have never known their father at
all. This has a clear link to the rise in depression. (Generation Me, pg
111)??
One of the
strangest things about modern life in
Narcissism
is linked to this quest for material goods and a ?beat the Joneses? lifestyle.
For narcissists, material goods such as a Rolex watch, a luxury car, and a huge
kitchen with granite countertops are signals of status. It?s all too common for
middle class people, convinced they must have 3,500 square foot home and
granite counter tops, to use easy credit to achieve their material dreams. The
standards for what material goods are deemed necessary for daily life seem to
grow every year. Unfortunately, this type of materialism is eventually
self-destructive; people who value being wealthy as an end in itself are less
happy and more prone to depression. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 129-130)??
Tim
Kasser, author of ?The High Price of Materialism?, has spent his career
studying the consequences of valuing money and things. On average, materialistic people are less happy and more
depressed. Even people who simply aspire to have more
money suffer from poor mental health; they also report more physical health problems such as sore
throats, back aches, and headaches and were more likely to abuse alcohol and
use illegal drugs. Striving
for financial success, apparently, makes people miserable. Part of the reason is that it is very hard
to get ahead for more than a short while in the materialism game. The boost to
narcissism that you Get from beating the Joneses lasts only until they get
their own new BMW or home cinema. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 176)
In
An
overemphasis on uniqueness has negative consequences for individuals as well.
Studies have found that teenagers who have a ?personal fable? of uniqueness
believe that no one understands them. Teens with these beliefs are
significantly more likely to be depressed and think about suicide. (The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 192) ??????
In the
book ?Costs of Living?, Barry Schwartz describes a former student who said he
thought twice about burdening friends with his life and his problems because he
knew how consumed they were with their own, and what a sacrifice it would
entail for them to spend the time required to listen to him and to help him
out. I put a post it note on that page and wrote ?this is a very familiar
story? (Generation Me, pg 115)??
The above paragraph
supports Winston Wu?s Comparison
Chart that says ?An ever growing number of people don't bother to make time
for their friends or relatives??
And here is more
proof of this lonliness and shallow friendships in American culture today
?? ?We may "friend" more people on Facebook but we have Fewer real friends
?the kind who would help us out in tough times, listen sympathetically
no matter what, lend us money or give us a place to stay if we needed it, keep
a secret if we shared one. That's the conclusion made by Matthew Brashears, a
In
1952, Americans sat together with their neighbors, laughing at Red Skelton. But
by 1995, each member of a family often watched his or her own TV, as isolation
and passivity became a way of life. What began as a quest for the good life in
the suburbs degenerated into private consumption splurges that separated one
neighbor from another, and one family member from another. We began to feel
lost in our own neighborhoods. Many sociologists are concerned about the health
implications of our neighborhoods. Suburban designs often turns a cold shoulder
on the neighborhood clan, with garage doors that resemble drawbridges, privacy
fences that become castle walls, and private mini-manors that encourage
exclusive lifestyles. Physical features such as these affect the social and
even physical health of suburban residents. (Affluenza, pg 64)
The
Catastrophic Consequences of Narcissism
The
effects of easy credit for status seeking and luxurious living spills into
society, affecting others beyond the narcissistic status seeker. Narcissism is
a disease that causes other people to suffer. The government bailouts of 2008
are a prime example of this. Banks and home buyers took narcissistic risks. ,
and when the system imploded, the American taxpayer was left holding the bag.
The narcissism epidemic pushed people to spend beyond their means on depreciating
assets and created a culture that accepted and even encouraged turning a fast
buck selling risky, speculative financial products. Societal narcissism is the missing ingredient
in understanding the financial meltdown. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 133-134)
Narcissism
works on the pleasure principle- it looks great and gets what it wants, but it
hurts other people and even the self in the long run. Easier and easier credit
allowed them to live out grandiose, materialistic fantasies- until the bill
came due. And its? still pretty easy to
get a credit card- Keith?s daughters (both under age six) get credit card
offers all the time. When babies can drool on their first credit cards, its
time to worry. ?
??Illegal
immigrants do jobs that Americans are unwilling to do. ? There is something
really disturbing about this statement; it implies that certain jobs are
beneath Americans, that Americans don?t want to get their hands dirty or their
backs sore doing the work that keeps the country running. So they have to import people whom they consider
beneath them to do it. Somehow many middle-and upper class Americans feel they
are superior to people who do this kind of work. This is one of the twists of
logic of the narcissism epidemic: apparently, being lazy and unwilling to work makes Americans better
than the people who are willing to work. If this is true, it bodes very poorly
for our nation. (The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 242-243)
The
Quest for Infamy and the Rise of Incivility
Narcissism
is a significant risk factor for aggressive and violent behavior. In our culture of self-admiration, it seems paradoxical that a narcissist ?
who, after all, admires himself quite a bit ?would hurt someone else. Americans
subscribe to the idea that if you like yourself, you will like other people and
thus won?t be aggressive. However, narcissists are aggressive exactly because
they love themselves so much and believe that their needs take precedence. They
lack empathy for other people?s pain and often lash out when they feel they aren?t
getting the respect they deserve-and they feel they deserve a lot, because they
are, of course, better than everyone else. Consider the mass murderers in
history, such as Hitler, Pol Pot, Saddam Hussein, or Stalin. Do they strike you
as people with low self-esteem? No they were so confident in themselves and
their beliefs that they killed millions of people. Their narcissism allowed
them to disregard the most basic rights of others. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg
196)
????
Narcissists
are also aggressive when someone tries to restrict their freedom. ?Who are you
to tell me what I can or can?t do.? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 196)
?Isn?t
it fun to get the respect that we?re going to deserve??
Just as
overall crime rates were beginning to sink in the mid 1990?s, a special type of
violent crime was becoming more and more common; school shootings. Virtually
unheard of prior to 1996, school shootings began occurring more and more
frequently. Take the Columbine school shooting for example. In videotapes made
before the April 1999 massacre at Columbine high school, shooters Eric Harris
and Dylan Klebold debated which famous director would film their story. Harris
makes several statements that are shockingly similar to items on the
narcissistic Personality Inventory. ?Isn?t it fun to get the respect we?re
going to deserve?? he asks while picking up a gun and making a shooting noise,
similar to the NPI item ? I insist upon getting the respect that is due me.? He
also said , ?I could convince them that I?m going to climb
(The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 192)
?STFU!?
Verbal
aggression-people being cruel to one another with words- also seems to be on
the upswing in the
???
America
Jennifer
is a polite, soft spoken teen who is close to her parents and active in her
church. But Jennifer?s My Space page paints a much different picture. ?Suck it
slo, Ho!? reads the headline. In her bio, she warns ?all you bitches? not to
bother her because she knows ?a lot if big ass [guys], ya?ll! Another female
student, only 14, uses a picture of herself in a low-cut dress and several
pictures of
?MySpace
? Screw You! But Thanks for the Add?
The sexual
aspects of My Space have drawn lots of attention, but the aggressive and anti
social attitudes often expressed there are almost as shocking ? and just as
consistent with a culture of narcissism. Of course plenty of My Spacers talk
about how much they love their friends, but the ?Don?t screw with me? attitude
is very common. One man?s username is ?salute me bitch? and another is ?$you
just do you and imam do me$) One teen girl wrote , ?If you don?t lyk me for me,
then fuck you, your NOT worth my time.? (Two sentences later she adds,
paradoxically, ?I am easy to get along with.?) (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg
115) This is so key. If you ask
most American women if they think they are easy to get along with and most will
tell you yes. But as we can see, these experts are telling us otherwise. And
it?s obvious by just looking at their dating profiles, that most American women
profiles consist of a list of demands full of financial code words about money
and talk about how a man ?must know how to treat a lady?. ??
A sample
my space page typical of high school girls, ? I love 2 chill with my friends
and parTAYYY ON THE WEEKEND!...I love whip cream LOL I love having fun and just
being stupid and wild! He he I luv 2 SHoP so Maybe one of you guys can take me
shopping sometime!? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 114)
In Spring
2008, Jean?s graduate student Leah Bonds analyzed 200 MySpace pages of
Under ?Who
I?d like to meet?, one said ?Someone who will take me to
This
message is loud and clear in so many American women dating profiles. When will
they understand that men enjoy women who
treat them like a person, not a walking wallet!
The
average teen now spends a full half hour a day listening to songs that describe
degrading sex. i.e. ?Any Bitch! Wait til you see my dick. Imma beat that pussy
up? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 225)?
All these messages
are consistent with a growing culture of narcissism, with its rampant
materialism, aggression toward others, vanity, shallow sexuality, and rabid
desire for attention and fame. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 114)???????
Bullying and Incivility - America
The Culture of
Bullying: Loss of Civility at School, Work, Politics
In
today?s America, incivility is on prominent display: in the schools, where
bullying is pervasive; in the workplace, where an increasing number are more stressed
out by coworkers than their jobs; on the roads, where road rage maims and
kills; in politics, where strident intolerance takes the place of earnest
dialogue; and on the web, where many check their inhibitions at the digital
door,? says Pier M. Forni, author of ?The Civility Solution: What to Do When People are Rude?
and director of The Civility Initiative at Johns Hopkins
University in Baltimore.
?How
in the world can we stop bullying in schools, in the workplace, in politics,
when it is so close to our national character right now?? asks Dr. Gary Namie,
a psychologist and cofounder of the Workplace Bullying Institute, a Washington
state?based nonprofit.
Facing
the Consequences
Forni of
Johns Hopkins? Civility Initiative says the onslaught of rude, bullying and
uncivil behavior?intensified by the 24/7 reach of the Internet and social-networking
sites such as Facebook?adds to the stress people are already feeling and can
translate into real and very tragic consequences.
According to
Forni:
- Students who are bullied and/or
cyber-bullied face increased risk for depression, post-traumatic stress
disorder, and suicidal attempts.
- Studies have shown that protracted
exposure to stress caused by living in an uncivil environment lowers
morale and increases the chances of developing coronary heart disease and
other illnesses
- The American Psychological Association
has estimated that workplace stress (considering absenteeism, loss of
productivity, medical expenses and turnover) costs
The enthusiastic claims of the self-esteem movement mostly range
from fantasy to hogwash. The effects of self-esteem are small, limited, and not
all good. Those with high self-esteem are more likely to be obnoxious, to
interrupt, and to talk at people rather than with them (in contrast to the more
shy, modest, self-effacing folks with low self-esteem). People with
high self-esteem are also more likely to be bullies. Self-control is
worth 10 times as much as self-esteem. (The American Paradox, pg 167)
This explains the bullying epidemic in
The Bullying
problem is getting progressively worse in
America
Looked at
objectively, things really are harder now. It was once possible to support a family on one middle class or even
working class income. No longer. These
days, even the essentials are astronomically expensive: housing, health care,
day care, and education costs have all far outstripped inflation. The rich have
gotten richer and the poor ? or actually the middle class- has gotten poorer.
The income of men ages 25 to 34 with full time jobs dropped 17% from 1971 to
2002. Most families have been able to stay afloat mostly because both adults
are in the workforce. The two income trap, coauthored by a Harvard economist,
provides a summary of the balance sheet. Fixed costs like housing, health
insurance, and child care have doubled for the average family since the early
1970?s, while discretionary income has gone down. (Generation Me, pg 128)
We were
raised to believe in ourselves , and to have a wildly optimistic outlook. Yet
we enter adulthood at a time when just getting by is increasingly difficult.
Many of us will weather this collision of youthful expectation and harsh adult
reality by becoming anxious or
depressed.
(Generation Me, pg 242)
Overly
High Expectations??
In this
world where essentials
like housing are so astronomically expensive, what messages has Gen Me been fed? Save your money? Feel lucky to
have a house even if its not a mansion? Of course not. In the world of
individualism and consumer longing, we?ve been taught to expect more. Perhaps
because of media exposure, we want to be millionaires, to be famous, to live in
a large house and drive fancy cars. It?s all we?ve seen on TV and movies since
we were babies. Sure enough, research
shows that the more television you watch, the more materialistic you are.
?In the 1999 movie fight club, the character
Tyler Durden captures this perspective with searing accuracy. ?Our generation
has had no great depression, no great war? he says. ?Our depression is our
lives?.We were raised on television to believe that we?d all be millionaires,
movie gods, rock stars, but we wont. And we?re starting to figure that out. And
we?re very very, pissed off! (Generation Me, pg 129)
Characters
on TV shows and in the movies rarely have boring jobs working for corporations,
building houses, or working a cash register. Yet these are the jobs most young
people will grow up to have. In between the shows, advertising constantly asks
us if we are good enough, thin enough, rich enough. (Generation Me, pg
130)????
Even if we
reach many of our goals, Gen Me?rs
are likely to remain unsatisfied unless we earn heaps of money. In many ways, the higher expectations of Gen
Me are rooted in our focus
on the self. We focus so much on our individual wants,
feeling empty inside, that depression is often the result. Gen me expects more at a time when its more
difficult to attain the bare minimum. Movies are filled with people who have
glamorous jobs, but its harder and harder just to get into a good college. TV
shows are set in mansions, yet even a small house is outside the reach of most
people. It?s like a cruel joke - we?ve been raised to expect riches, and can
barely afford a condo and a crappy health care plan. (Generation Me, pg
134)?
The vast majority
of Americans cannot, and never will be able to, afford much of what they see in
magazines and on TV. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 173)
Swelling
expectations lead to a constant effort to keep up with the latest products, to
compete in the consumption arena. That in turn, forces us to work more, so we
can afford the stuff. With so many things to use, and the need to work harder
to obtain them, our lives grow more harried and pressured. The pressure to keep
up with the Joneses leads many families into their debt and simmering conflicts
over money matters that frequently result in divorce. As one pundit put it, ?If
you win the rat race, you?re still a rat. And you may be a dead one!?
(Affluenza, pg 27)
American Culture Breeds Rebellious
Youth - which carries over into adulthood
The more
exposure kids get to American culture, the more likely they will rebel against
the family first, group-oriented ethos of many cultures around the world
(Generation Me, pg 8)
Foreigners often comment
on how shocked they are to see how rebellious and spoiled American kids
are, and how they don?t respect their parents or elders, and often talk back to
the parents. American culture teaches kids to be this way. She further
states,
"Generation
me doesn?t just question authority - we disrespect it entirely."
(Generation Me, pg 28)
In the
early 2000?s, elementary schools around the country reported an alarming rise
in the number of kindergarteners who swore at or physically fought with
teachers. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 204)
This is
one of the dysfunctionalities of American culture!!!
Source - http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/french-women-tiger-mothers-203400595.html
?The French method to
the madness of parenting has to do with straight-shooting discipline. Parents
are not afraid to say "no" with direct and clear-cut meaning. Delayed gratification is also implicit
to French child-rearing. Kids don't get what they want just because they ask
for it, and certainly not when it comes to snacks. Only one snack a day at the
exact same time is a mainstay of the country's parenting culture, according to
the author. That kind of unwavering structure may turn out "calmer and more resilient"
children.
Some of the admirable
aspects of French-raised children, according to Druckerman's research:
- They're better eaters. They don't throw tantrums in their
high-chairs and they're less fussy about healthy food.
- They're more polite with adults. Raised early on to say please,
thank you and proper greetings, their social skills are embedded early on.
- They're more likely to sleep through the night. Druckerman found
evidence that French parents are less likely wake up every few hours or to
attempt the "cry it out" practice.?
The
Narcissism Epidemic in American Culture
?I?m
Special, Look at Me!?
We didn?t
have to look very hard to find it. It is everywhere. The
They see
bits and pieces - a celebrity here, a mass murder there - but not the entire
structure. Vanity, self-promotion, materialism, and poor social behaviors are
all linked. The increases in plastic surgery, credit card debt, video taped
violence, crass materialism, and desire for fame are interconnected trends.
(The Narcissism Epidemic? pg 278)
American
society actively promotes living beyond your means. You want to appear to be richer, cooler, or
more successful than you are. There are no payments for the first 12 months!
The result is a country full of people in tremendous debt for goods that
decrease in value the moment they are bought. This consumption binge has been accelerated by the cultural emphasis
on self-promotion. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 300)
Somewhere
along the line, American culture?s core ideas and values were modified to
include the idea of self-admiration. American culture?s focus on self-admiration
has caused a flight from reality to the land of grandiose fantasy. We have
phony rich people (with interest only mortgages and piles of debt), phony
beauty (with plastic surgery and cosmetic procedures), phony athletes (with
performance enhancing drugs), phony celebrities (via reality TV and U tube),
phony genius students (with grade inflation), a phony national economy (with 11
trillion of government debt), phony feelings of being special among children
(with parenting and education focused on self-esteem), and phony friends (with
the social networking explosion). All this fantasy may feel good, but
unfortunately, reality always wins. The mortgage meltdown and the resulting
financial crisis are just one demonstration of how inflated desires eventually
crash to earth. In data from 37,000 college students, narcissistic personality
traits rose just as fast as obesity from the 1980?s to the present, with the shift especially
pronounced for women. The rise in narcissism is accelerating, with
scores rising faster in the 2000?s than in previous decades. By 2006, 1 out of
4 college students agreed with the majority of the items on a standard measure
of narcissistic traits. Even these shocking numbers are the tip of the iceberg;
lurking underneath is the narcissistic culture that has drawn in many more. The
narcissistic epidemic has spread to the culture as a whole, affecting both
narcissistic and less self-centered people. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 1-4)
?
The
upswing in narcissism appears to be accelerating: the increase between 2000 and
2006 was especially steep. The changes were especially large for women (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 31)?????? ?
Note the
last two red underlined italicized statements in red just above. These
statements say that the NARCISSISTIC changes were especially pronounced and
large in women!?
?
Americans
are being persuaded that becoming more vain, materialistic, and self-centered
is actually a good thing. This can
happen even if you?re not particularly narcissistic but just get drawn into
what everyone else is doing. (The Narcissism Epidemic pg 38) To use an analogy,
if one passenger on an airplane reclines his seat all the way back, the
passenger behind him is forced to do the same and so on until every seat in the
plane is back. In America today, more and more of the plane seats are tilted
back, and more and more people are tempted to do the same themselves (The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 55)???
?Tim Kasser, author of ?The High Price of Materialism?, has spent
his career studying the consequences of valuing money and things. On average, materialistic
people are less happy and more depressed. Even people who simply
aspire to have more money suffer from poor mental health; they also report more
physical health problems such as sore throats, back aches, and headaches and were
more likely to abuse alcohol and use illegal drugs. Striving
for financial success, apparently, makes people miserable. Part of
the reason is that it is very hard to get ahead for more than a short while in
the materialism game. The boost to narcissism that you get from beating the
Joneses lasts only until they get their own new BMW or home cinema.? (The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 176) This
helps explain an earlier discussed premise on how poorer people from non
industrialized countries seem to be more cheerful and spiritually happier and
fulfilled at a soulful level than most Westerners who come from more materially
well off countries. As Jean Twenge previously stated, Americans, by comparison,
come off as cranky, grumpy, stressed, and irritable and far less happy. Anyone
who has traveled abroad and spent any time amongst the peoples of these other
cultures (outside of the protected touristy areas) can readily recognize this
difference.Of interesting note, according to studies, the country rated with
the happiest people in the world is Nigeria, which is a poor country by
materialistic standards.
In fact,
narcissism causes almost all of the things that Americans hoped high
self-esteem would prevent, including aggression, materialism, lack of caring for others, and shallow
values. In trying to build a
society that celebrates high self-esteem, self-expression, and loving yourself,
Americans have in advertently created more narcissists - and a culture that
brings out the narcissistic behavior in all of us. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg
9)??????
American
culture has embraced the value of self-admiration with a big warm hug. In
And we
Americans wonder why we are not very popular with the rest of the world??
?Hell
Yeah, I?m Hot!?
Americans?
growing obsession with appearance is a clear symptom of a narcissistic culture in love with its own
reflection. Narcissistic
college students post sexier photos of themselves of Face book than humbler
students. Narcissists are more likely to wear expensive, attention getting
clothing. Female narcissists wear more makeup and show more cleavage Appearance
enhancement is on the rise. Many more people are doing many more things in the
name of looking hot. (i.e. tanning salons, botox, plastic surgery, boob
jobs)? Television shows have made plastic
surgery cool. MTV?s I want a famous face features young people who get plastic
surgery to resemble their favorite celebrity. Here, vanity meets the quest for
fame and celebrity, with a dose of self-admiration thrown in. One of the dark
sides of the cultural emphasis on physical appearance is the increase in eating
disorders. The combination of self?admiration with the social pressure to look
physically attractive - both of which are present in the current cultural
climate ? are a recipe for creating eating disorders. This is even more true of women. Men are not immune to new high standards for
appearance. It?s now important for men to have a ?cut? chest with ?six-pack?.
(The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 141-150)
Why the
rise in the obsession with appearance? Much of today?s desire for physical
beauty springs from the fountain of self?admiration. For
narcissistic people, good looks are just another way of gaining attention,
status, and popularity. Having perfectly white teeth, great hair, a new sports
car, or an attractive girlfriend all serve the same psychological function,
making others think you are cool, special, popular or important.? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 153)
Fifty
years ago, finding a mate often depended on family contacts. Now most people
live in urban areas and meet new people almost every day; physical appearance
is the first, and sometimes the only, thing they see. Finding a mate depends
not on family contacts but on looks. This is even more true of hookups, the
short term sexual encounters now the norm among young people and that have all but replaced dating and boyfriend-girlfriend
relationships. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 155)???
A Kohl?s
department store ad features a band singing a song called ?Because I?m
awesome?. As the clothes on the band members change every second or so in the
ad, the singer declares ?I?m a leader? I?m a winner? and ?I don?t need you? and
I beat you? cuz I?m awesome.? The rest of the song includes lyrics such as
?Gonna make lots of money? and bought a self-tan.? For those keeping score at
home with the list of narcissistic traits: interest in leadership and power,
check; competitiveness, check; saying one does not need other
people, check; over-inflated view of self, check; materialism, check; and
vanity, check. A psychologist couldn?t have written a more thoroughly
narcissistic song. According to a YouTube poster who works at Kohl?s, ?This
song is played once every hour? in the store. Its fans have taken the song?s
message to heart. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 98)
In
Today?s
unfettered celebration
of wealth and
the things money can buy has created an in your face ?I?m rich and you?re not?
attitude that pigeonholes
people as winners or losers, princes or paupers (Affluenza, pg 81)
?
GM is
placing a big bet that the decade long trend toward larger and more aggressive
looking sport utility vehicles will continue, according to the New York Times.
?It?s like a tank with fashion? says one teenager quoted by the times. The kid says he loves the Hummer
because ?I like something where I can look down into another car and give that
knowing smile that says ?I?m bigger than you?. It makes me feel powerful?
(Affluenza, pg 27)
Americans tend to
feel a need to flex their ego and confidence. Foreigners especially notice this
about many Americans and find it unpleasant and intimidating. It?s like an
immature power play. Ladislav,
Chief Advisor of Happier Abroad, put it best when he said, ?In
In the MTV
reality show ?My Super Sweet 16?, which features rich teens planning their
extravagant 16th birthday parties, each episode features almost
every facet of narcissism: materialism, over competitiveness, appearance
obsession, the quest for fame, manipulativeness. In one episode, the birthday
girl says the following while her mother helps her with her dress:?
?Everyone?s
going to be jealous of me when I wear this dress because I look so good.?? Her mother warns her, ?You?re acting so
conceited now.? The teen replies ?I?ve got as reason, right??
A hip hop
song she has clearly heard then plays ? a song that could be the theme song of
narcissism: ?I?m so outstanding? I don?t care if they can?t stand me. I?m
conceited. I got a reason.? In the next scene she ?auditions? young men to be
her escort, asking each to ?lift up your shirt so we can see your abs.? (The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 99-100)
Cheating
Corporate
fraud was so rampant in the early 2000?s that congress took action by passing
the Sarbanes-Oxley law, requiring that company CEO?s certify the accuracy of
their revenue reporting. It isn?t just the big wigs who are cheating to get
ahead. In 2007, a six year old submitted an essay to a contest that began, ?My
daddy dies this year in
Cheating
is also rampant, and growing, among students. In 1969, only 34% of high school
students admitted to cheating. In 2002, that number reached 74%. A large 2008
survey of teens found that two-thirds admitted to cheating and nearly one-third
had stolen something from a store. Nevertheless, 93% said they were satisfied
with their personal ethics - a classically narcissistic disconnect between
reality and self-concept. The cheating continues into college; a 2002 survey
found that 80% of
students at
Narcissists
see nothing wrong with cheating. It?s all about them, so who cares if a few
rules are broken? Unfortunately, this is an illusion: Forget the
rationalization that cheating ?doesn?t hurt anyone,? because it does. For every
person who cheats on his income taxes, other Americans face cuts to
government?funded services. Cheating students short change those who actually
do the work, and short change themselves of learning in the long run.
Shareholders lose their life savings when companies report imaginary earnings.
Baseball players who play clean can?t keep up with those doped up on steroids,
who got to break records and make millions, resulting in broken bodies for the cheaters
and broken careers for those who followed the rules. Of course narcissists
don?t think about this, because they don?t consider the effects of their
actions on others.
Why are so
many people cheating these days? Our hypercompetitive, individualistic, self-admiring culture is at
least partially to blame. When a
few people start doing it (often the narcissistic), it cascades until more and
more people feel that if they don?t cheat there is no way they will ever win.
People not otherwise prone to cheating come to do so because they don?t want to
put themselves at a disadvantage. Like other types of narcissistic behavior,
cheating raises the bar for everyone and draws more and more people into the
vortex begun by just a few super-spreaders. In the early 2000?s, elementary
schools around the country reported an alarming rise in the number of
kindergartners who swore at or physically fought with teachers. (The Narcissism
Epidemic, pg 204-207)
A
corrosion of close relationships and a substitution of fantasy for reality ?
paint a bleak image of the world. It (
America
is Exporting its Narcissism to Other Countries
The
social scars left by Affluenza are being replicated throughout the entire
world, as more and more cultures copy the American lifestyle. Each day
television exposes millions of people in the developing world to the Western
consumer lifestyle (without showing them its warts), and they are eager to
participate. By pushing consumer values in developing countries, we are
spreading the affluenza virus. (Affluenza, pg 87)
This reminds me of
sex, it feels good and seems sexy, up until you find that you?ve caught VD! As
far as I?m concerned, by spreading affluenza, the disease of unbridled
consumerism, we Americans are giving the rest of the world VD of the soul and
spirit !?????
Like
McDonalds and Coca Cola, American individualism is spreading to all corners of
the globe. . If current trends continue in developing countries, ?Generation
me? boomlets might soon be arriving around the world. (Generation Me, pg 7)
Self-admiration
is not promoted so feverishly in other countries, however, the world is
starting to follow
The
concept of self-esteem is so unrecognized in
As the
most superficial part of American culture, narcissistic values are conveniently
carried around the world in pop music, movies, television, and, increasingly,
on the internet. These media sources smoothly glamorize the narcissistic ethos,
showing its shiny surface of prosperity and self?glorification without the
downsides of alienation and social break-down. When young people in
Through the Apostle
Paul, God gave his early warning about the moral and spiritual crisis the world
would face in the last days: ?Remember that there
will be difficult times in the last days. People will be selfish , greedy,
boastful, and conceited; they will be insulting , disobedient to their parents,
ungrateful, and irreligious; they will be unkind, merciless, slanderous,
violent, and fierce; they will hate the good; they will be treacherous,
reckless, and swollen with pride; they will love pleasure rather than God.? The Apostle Paul enumerated in his letter to Timothy
that the would?be attitudes of the people in the last days would reflect their
moral and spiritual decline, and instructed that such people must be avoided. (2
Timothy 3:1-5)
How
the World Views America
Due to
global media coverage and the internet, when the world?s citizens see
Economic
growth has given the average American a standard of living that is the world?s
envy, and a social recession that is no one?s envy. (The American Paradox, pg 158)
Foreigners
and intellectuals dislike or are critical of
Another foreigner put
it best as follows: ?Americans generally live mind-numbing lives in
mind-numbing environments (especially in suburban
How can
we meet intrinsic community needs when sprawl creates distances between people?
How can we feel a sense of beauty, security, and balance if beautiful open
spaces in our communities are being smothered by new shopping malls and rows of
identical houses? (Affluenza, pg 119)
?
Shopping
malls have really become the centers of many communities. Children as well as
adults see a shopping center as just the natural destination to fill a bored
life (Affluenza, pg 14-19)
???????
????????????????????????
Cultural
Differences in Narcissism
In this
section, note what Jean Twenge says about the Asians compared to Americans.
Americans score the highest on Narcissim tests
Asian
cultures are more collective and discourage individualism and narcissism.
Overall, more traditional cultures - those that value family, duty, and
obligation ? are less narcissistic than more modern cultures like that of the
This
difference is why foreign woman make better relationship and marirage partners,
hence the 20% divorce rate when you marry a foreign woman compared to the
50-60% rate when marrying an American woman. You cannot expect a high marriage success rate with a population infected
with narcissism. Remember that Jean Twenge repeatedly comments on
how the rise in Narcissism was
mainly with the woman. This is not just an opinion,but true fact as
stated by one of America?s leading social psychologists who has conducted field
work and research into this epedemic.
?
In a
recent study, 39% of American eighth graders were confident of their math
skills, compared to only 6% of Korean eighth graders. The Koreans however, far
exceeded the US students? actual performance on math tests. We?re not number one, but we?re number one in
thinking we are number one. ?(The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 47)
?
Why Americans
tend to overinflate their ego/confidence/attitude
The disproportionate
American ego and attitude are too obvious to deny, especially when you compare
them to foreigners. Americans tend to feel a need to flex their
ego and confidence. Foreigners especially notice this about many Americans and
find it unpleasant and intimidating. In fact, it's one reason why Americans
think they are superior to the rest of the world, and come off as so arrogant
about it. When they are in abroad, they notice that their egos are larger
than those of the foreigners, who by comparison are more modest and humble, and
thus they subconsciously feel superior when amongst foreigners.
It?s like an immature
power play.
Ladislav, Chief Advisor
of Happier Abroad, put it best when he said, ?In
And we
Americans wonder why we are not very popular with the rest of the world?? In
fact, foreigners have a word that is specific to describing this fairly common
American trait (aka: ego), and its called ?The ugly American?.? Wikipedia defines it as ?a term used to refer to
perceptions of arrogant behavior by Americans abroad?. Many Americans think they are superior to the rest
of the world, and come off as arrogant about it.
It is
interesting to note, Asians as a group still score relatively low on measures
of narcissism. Within the
Witness
the remarkable academic and vocational success of children of Asian boat people
? success attributed to close-knit, supportive, even demanding families and to
the kids not yet being assimilated into American
culture. (The American Paradox, pg 45-46)
In
America
In 1976,
16% of American high school seniors said that ?having a lot of money? was ?extremely
important.? This ballooned to 26% in 2006. High school students name ?getting a
good paying job? as more important than being ?ethical and honorable?. (The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 162-163)
In 1967,
45% of college freshman said that ?becoming well off financially? was
important; by 2006, that number increased to 75% . The
An
incredible 93% of teenage girls say that shopping is their favorite activity. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 162-163).
A 2006
poll asked children in
Economist
Thomas Naylor taught corporate strategy courses at
Americans
excel at making a living but often fail at making a life. (The American Paradox, pg 138)
When our
society constantly perpetuates consumption and material desires with hype, our
general focus becomes on the outward rather than the inward. People are judged
based on what they have, which creates their status. As a result, we lose touch
with our inner selves, have no true self?confidence/self-esteem, and therefore
have fragile egos dependent on outer things and material possessions. In the
This YouTube
interview by Bill Maher drives home this point
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ro3wuck_ro
Unfortunately,
our industrial life is dominated by the materialistic spirit of production
[affluenza], giving little attention to the development of the human body, the
human mind, or the spirit of life (Affluenza, pg 141)
The
daily bombardment of advertising images leaves us forever dissatisfied with our
own appearance and that of our real life partners. Advertising encourages us to
meet nonmaterial needs through material ends. It tells us to buy their product
because ?we?ll be loved, we?ll be accepted?. And also it tells us that we are
not lovable and acceptable without buying their product. To be lovable and
acceptable is to have the right image. Authenticity be dammed. (Affluenza, pg
157)
?
Such
heavy consumer advertising in many foreign countries is mild or non-existent
and in such countries as these, you will generally find authentic and humble people, not to mention happier people. It?s much easier to be happier in countries where there isn?t
constant bombardment of advertisements telling you that you are less because
you have less. ?
When
people feel sad or depressed, what do they do? They go to the mall and shop and
it makes them feel better, but only for a short time. There?s an addictive
quality in consumerism. But it simply doesn?t work. They?ve got all these
things and they still find this emptiness, this hollowness. They?re surrounded
by all kinds of fun toys but the meaning is gone. Americans now spend nearly
seven times as much time shopping as they do playing with their kids.
(Affluenza, pg 39, 41)
The
pressure that materialism is bringing to bear on the American family today is
woefully underestimated. (Affluenza, pg 51)?
The
more Americans fill their lives with things, the more they tell psychiatrists,
pastors, friends, and family members that they feel empty inside. The more toys
our kids have to play with, the more they complain of boredom. (Affluenza, pg
74)
What
the bored person really craves is an authentic meaningful life. American
advertising suggests that such a life comes in products or packaged commercial
experiences.? (Affluenza, pg 74)
When
mother Theresa came to the
This all
reminds me of what the bible warns us about. Many of us are probably familiar
with the verse ?What profit would it bring a person were that person to gain
the whole world, but lose his soul?? (Matthew 16:26)
See my dating
profiles samples comparison section that shows how spiritual and soulful
foreigners are. ?GOD?, family, and soulfulness come first with foreign women.
Filipina profiles are a perfect example. They almost always mention God in
their profiles and messages. Words such as ?God fearing, and God bless? and
?God willing? are very common.
More
than ever we have big houses and broken homes, high incomes and low morale,
secured rights and diminished civility. We excel at making a living but often fail at
making a life. We
celebrate our prosperity but yearn for purpose. We cherish our freedom but long
for connection. In the age of plenty, we feel a spiritual hunger. (Affluenza, pg 114)
?
Like
many travelers who return from time spent with so called underdeveloped or
primitive cultures, Johnson had trouble returning to the fast-paced, possession
laden life in the United States. Culture shocked, he walked through a
supermarket aisle that was entirely filled with cake mixes and wondered, ?Where?s
the affluence? Is this really progress?? Life in
But
perhaps the strongest rebuke of affluenza came from Jesus himself. He continually
warned of the dangers of wealth, declaring it a major impediment to entry to
the kingdom of heaven. Jesus and his disciples preached that ?the love of money
is the root of all evil?.
Christian
theologian Calvin DeWitt says our modern consumer philosophy turns scriptural
teachings on their head: ?Consume more, then you?ll be happy. That?s the
message we hear. But the Biblical teaching is to be content with what you have,
honor God, and give your bread to the hungry. Then joy comes as a byproduct of
service. If you take
those teachings and just write their antithesis, you find yourself describing
our current American consumer society. (Affluenza, pg 131-132)
A news
article talking about the decline in
?If every American
carries these values, then change would require a different people, a different
country. In dialectical fashion, it is precisely those factors that made this
nation materially great that are now working against us, and that thus need to
be jettisoned.? (http://m.digg.com/newsbar/topnews/why_the_american_empire_was_destined_to_collapse)
?
Americans
Live to ?Work and Consume??
Americans work 50% more
than Germans, French, and Italians. Many Americans are experiencing burnout due
to overwork and increased stress. Americans work, on average, considerably more
hours per week than in any other industrialized nation. Europeans tend to be
more concerned with enjoying and living life to the fullest, while Americans are busy following the ?American Dream? and
traveling a road toward financial success. According to a new
study by Harvard and
Then there?s vacation
time. In the 15 nations of the European Union, by law all full-time employees
must be given a minimum
of four weeks? paid vacation per year; the same is true for part-time employees
who have worked for at least 13 weeks. The notion of ?accruing? vacation time
doesn?t apply; you are generally entitled to your four (or more) weeks of
vacation from the moment you?re hired. And these vacation days are in addition
to statutory holidays scattered throughout the year. There?s also an important
psychological difference: in the
See CNN's
report on this Uniquely American problem http://edition.cnn.com/2011/TRAVEL/05/23/vacation.in.america/index.html
"There is simply no evidence that working people to
death gives you a competitive advantage," the United States came in fourth
in the World
Economic Forum's 2010-2011 rankings of the most competitive
economies, but Sweden -- a country that by law offers workers five weeks of
paid vacation -- came in second.
See how
That makes the
Days off per year
? listed by country
Japan: 18
According
to the international Labor Organization, in October 1999 the
Today,
EU productivity stands at 91% of ours, and several European economies are more
productive per worker than we are. Europeans have a lot less stuff than we do.
The Europeans traded a good part of their productivity gains for time instead
of money. So instead of working more than we do, they now work much less-nearly
nine weeks per year. As a result , they live longer and are healthier, despite
spending far less per capita on health care. In fact, the
The
longer hours we work, the more stressful our home lives become, and the greater
our tensions at home. (Affluenza, pg 50)
For a
thousand years or more, the Spanish had enhanced their quality of life with a
luxurious midday break that doesn?t cost a single peseta. Yet in the eyes of
commerce, siestas are a complete waste of time. What the world needs is more
production, more consumption, less relaxation, and more money. (Affluenza, pg 123)
Since
the Second World War, Americans have been offered what economist Juliet Schor
calls ?a remarkable choice?. As our productivity more than doubled, we could
have chosen to work half as much-or even less- and still produce the same
material lifestyle we found affluent in the 50?s. Instead, we put all our
apples into making? and consuming more.
Our friends in
Beating
the affluenza bug will also lead to less stress, more leisure time, better
health, and longer lives. It will offer more time for family, friends, and
community, and a more meaningful way of life. (Affluenza, pg 224, 228, 233).
?
Road
Rage is Mainly an ?American Thing?
The
causes of road rage are many and varied but some of the main factors which have
been identified are stress, fatigue and frustration. According to a
study by the American Automobile Association, this decade has already seen more
than 200 people killed and almost 13,000 injured as the result of a road rage
incident in the
Our
Culture is Based on Hype and Excess Consumption
In reality there are few
redeeming qualities to living in
See
this NEWS Article about this very issue
??You know, the air is really ?thin? in the
Here?s what the US lacks, which I
believe Mexico has: community, friendship, appreciation of beauty,
craftsmanship as opposed to obsessive technology, and?despite what you read in
the American newspapers?huge graciousness; a large, beating heart. I never
found very much of those things in the
Source -http://m.digg.com/newsbar/topnews/why_the_american_empire_was_destined_to_collapse
?I
Deserve the Best at 18% APR?
The boom
in easy credit, which began in the 1990?s, allows people to pretend they are
better off than they actually are. The inflation in credit leads to inflation in self-image, helping
the narcissism epidemic spread far and wide. Take a culture that promotes self-admiration and material goods,
add the ability to realize this self-admiration through buying things you can?t
really afford, and many people
live the narcissistic illusion that they are wealthy , successful, and special. The availability of easy credit has allowed
people to present an inflated picture of their own success to themselves and to
the world. This of course, encouraged others to go into debt to simply keep up. Unfortunately, buying flashy consumer goods
on credit in order to look and feel like a winner is similar to hitting the
crack pipe in order to improve your mood. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 127)
Spending
money on material goods provides a rush and can become an addiction.
Psychologist Paul Rose found that narcissists are more likely to be compulsive
shoppers, a behavior now recognized as an addiction. This shopping addiction
was also linked to impulsivity, a trait that like narcissism, involves favors
short term pleasures at the expense of long term gains. Like all other
addictions, shopping addictions spill over to harm other people, burning not
just personal resources but also family resources. A spouse with an addiction to buying stylish
clothes or flashy electronics can bankrupt an entire family. The addict
separates from others, because the pull of addiction is more important than
having warm relationships. (The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 135)
Money vs. Spirituality - Matthew 6:24 "No man
can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or
else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and
mammon."
Uncle
Sam Does It Too
Uncle Sam
has opened a free lunch stand. Voters get free money in the form of
artificially low taxes, social security benefits that pay more than they put
into the system, and a trough full of pork projects, and in turn, the people
vote the politicians into office again and again. It amounts to a giant repeal
of the reality principle, where we all get what we want. In theory, nobody pays
for it. The reality is that the
(The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 137)
Thomas
Stanley and William Danko, authors of ?The Millionaire Next Door?, initially
believed millionaires would have expensive tastes and habits. But the
millionaires they studied were, in a word, frugal. Many drove used cars, spent
very little, and saved large sums of money. Of the seven key factors they
identified in millionaires, at least two are directly at odds with narcissism.
First, the authors found millionaires lived well below their means. Second,
millionaires believe that financial independence is more important than
displaying high social status. Americans see people with fancy cars and clothes
and assume they must be rich. In reality, it is often safer to assume that they
are in debt. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 137)
Irrational
Exuberance of Generation Me
Generation
me has the highest self-esteem (self-love) of any generation, but also the most
depression. To
borrow Alan Greenspan's phrase, our upbringing was irrationally exuberant.
Irrational, because when we reach adulthood we often find ourselves lonely, rejected by graduate schools, stuck in a
boring job, and/or unable to afford a house and basic living expenses (your
job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA), though many of us find no
one is there for us either. Like the dot.com bubble of the 1990's, the bubble
of high expectations bursts once Gen Me hits adulthood. Older generations have
also faced these struggles, but Gen Me has
been led to expect bounty in a time of famine. The gap between expectations and reality has widened to a yawning
gulf of disappointment. This leads to a lot of anxiety, depression, and complaining. (Generation Me, pg
212)
America?s
Hook Up Culture ? Hooking Up and Checking Out Emotionally
Another
cultural-level manifestation of the narcissism epidemic in relationships is the
trend toward ?hook ups,? aka ?friends with benefits,? and other commitment free
relationships. These types of? sexual
encounters are perfect for a narcissist who can get what he wants but then
easily move on to the next partner, no strings attached. ?(The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 224) ??
Narcissists
favor short-term relationships. That may help explain why hookups have become
so popular. We cannot say for sure that one causes the other. All I can say is
these are two trends that go along with each other. (Jean Twenge - Newsweek)
Overall,
it is striking just how many symptoms of narcissism appear in the trend toward
hookups, including lack of emotion in relationships, physical vanity, and
antisocial attitudes and behavior. With hookups, it often plays out with broken
hearts when one partner wants the hookup or ?friends with benefits? arrangement
to evolve into a real relationship, and the other doesn?t.
America
This section explains
the dysfunctionality of many (of course not all!) American woman. Again, as I repeat, it?s not
necessarily their fault and doesn?t make them bad people per se. I?m only
talking about the effect these things have on their ability to have healthy relationships and marriages.
Though Jean Twenge says some of these traits effect men too but to a far lesser
degree. Most foreign woman do not suffer from these drawbacks as they are not
bi products of feminism, individualism, and narcissism, ?.all of which these
experts haveoutlined about American culture which is leading the the world?s
highest divorce rate. Dr Laura and Lori Gottlieb cover the disasterous effects
of? feminism while Dr Jean Twenge covers
the disasterous effects of Narcissism and individualism.
?One
pattern of relationship behaviors is the ?fear of settling? or ?fear of missing
out on the magic.? In the old days this would have been considered simple
immaturity. You would have been told to ?take the good with the bad? or
relationships are not all about you.? Today there is a different cultural
message. Our
individualistic culture narcissistically teaches people not to compromise ABC TV Bacherlorette Jen Schefft in her 2007
advice book, Better single than sorry: An no regrets guide to loving yourself
and never settling, says ?If you?re a self-assured woman with lots to offer,
there?s no excuse for it. Low self-esteem is? one of the forces of evil that
drives women to settle.? In other
words, you shouldn?t put up with any flaws in your partner-you?re too good for
that. Schefft?s statements are
squarely in the cultural mainstream. Many Gen X?ers feel entitled to a
relationship that is always fun and easy. Many of them want to do their own thing and expect love and
relationships to be on their schedule, on their terms, and to come without too
much personal sacrifice.? (The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 221)
There is a
?what have you done for me lately?? attitude in relationships. (Many American women are notorious for having
this attitude) And if
the answer is ?not enough?, then it?s on to the next partner ?after all, goes
our narcissistic culture patter, ?you deserve better!? It?s difficult to focus on someone else when
you?ve been taught your whole life to focus on yourself. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 221)
Entitlement causes real problems in relationships and leads to
conflicts. Being accommodating leads to much less conflict in relationships. Bingo! Asian and Latin
women are especially accommodating, but many Americans confuse this with
submission. Many American women will claim that men who marry foreign women
just want a submissive slave to do our bidding. What we really want is more
accommodating relationship/marriage partners who are easier to please and get
along with. We want a happy and successful marriage that doesn?t lead to
conflict and divorce! The 20% international divorce rate vs. the American
50-60% divorce rate seems to prove that going overseas is indeed the better
option unless you are a gambling man and wish to roll the dice.
The problem with entitlement in relationships is this kind of
mentality: ?You?re special, how dare anyone not show you respect?? Your spouse?s nasty comments or behavior are
seen as fundamental challenges to your special stature in life, and thus you
can?t just let them slide. The result is spiraling relationship conflict. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 233)
?
Self-admiration can make loving others and treating them well almost
impossible, because too much self?admiration encourages people to put themselves before
others. We
need a new cultural belief such as: ?If you love yourself too much, you won?t have
enough love left for anyone else.? (The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 223)
Self-esteem
isn?t always an asset for making friends. In one experiment, after high
self-esteem people learned they did poorly on a test, they became defensive,
arrogant, and rude. The person they just met didn?t like them very much. They
put so much effort into maintaining their self-esteem that they acted like
jerks. Narcissists are even worse, often lashing out with aggression when they
are challenged. Their self-admiration helps them treat others badly, as they
think they are better than everyone else. People with low self-esteem, however, were restrained and subdued
when talking to a new person during the study, and came across as likeable and
friendly. Humble, self-deprecating people aren?t unlikable - in fact, they can
be very endearing. (The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 223)
This is a
spot on description of most foreign women??HUMBLE!!! Particularly Asians. Most (not all of course) attractive looking American woman,
especially if in bars/single scenes are just the opposite, PRIDEFUL and VANITY.
?
In many
ways, humility is the opposite of narcissism. Some people misconstrue humility
as bad, equating it with shame or self-hatred. Humility is not the same as humiliation. True humility is a strength - the ability to see or evaluate
yourself accurately and without defensiveness (notice we said ?accurately? not ?negatively?). Overall, humble
people are more connected to others. When you
go overseas, you feel a sense of connection to others. You feel a part
of the society and hence feelings of loneliness and isolation are non existent
and a big reason why depression and mental health problems are almost non
existent in non western countries.
When you
don?t concentrate on pumping up the self, it is easier to relate to other
people and the wider world. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 283)
??
Many
people believe that self-admiration is good for relationships as long as it
doesn?t balloon into narcissism - in other words, ?You have to love yourself to
be able to love someone else. If you don?t love yourself, how can you expect others
to want to love you?? or ?If you didn?t love yourself, you wouldn?t know how to
love anyone else?. This all sounds good but there is little evidence it?s true. These notions are nothing short of psycho babble perpetuated by
our cultural pop psychology. People low in self-love or self-esteem choose
partners just as well as everyone else and genuinely care about their partners.
In the end, loving yourself isn?t
all that important for loving others. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 222) ?
Another aphorism
in our culture is, ?I do not need another to make me happy.? But the truth is that human beings do need other
people to be happy-that is just the way we are built. But say this at a cocktail party, and
someone will probably say yes, sure, but it?s better not to need someone.
That?s co-dependence, the resident psychotherapy expert will say, and will
repeat the modern aphorism ?You can?t expect someone else to make you happy.
You have to make yourself happy.? Actually, you can expect this: having a stable
marriage is one of the most robust predictors of happiness. We gain self-esteem from our relationships with
others, not from focusing on ourselves. (Generation Me, pg 92)????
There is
an inherent conflict/contradiction between American cultural values and our
innate human nature. On the one hand, Americans like to be separate from
others, independent, not need others, and be in their own space and bubble. And
they are conditioned to derive a sense of pride and honor from being
independent and self-reliant and autonomous. But on the other, we have an
innate human need to connect/bond with others and belong to a social
group/collective. This need for separateness and independence contributes to
disunity and fragmentation in American families. It has been sociologically
documented that families in
Narcissism
has corroded interpersonal relationships. There has been a switch from deep to
shallow relationships, a destruction of social trust, and an increase in entitlement and selfishness. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 276)
?????????
And this is why
dating or marrying a foreign woman (or a foreign born woman) is so adventagous
compared to American. Our world leading divorce rate supports this notion. To a
certain extent, you can reverse this statement and tell American women that
they are better off marrying a foreign man and perhaps there would be some
truth to it. But clearly, both researchers repeatedly point towards American
women as the primary problem in American relationships because neither ever
specifically talked about men as having significant issues other than Jean
Twenge stating that narcissism has affected men to some (but far lesser)
degree.
America
?
In
?????????
Anyone who is well
traveled around the world has witnessed how content and happy foreigners seem
to be compared to Americans who often appear to be rushed, irritable, and
uncontent with their lives. Low quality fatty processed foods contributes to
this general apathy that is so unique to Americans.?
In
America
There are
actually thousands more single young men than women in
This is a perfect
example of one of the many truths that the American media never tells us.
Causes
of the Narcissism Epidemic in American Culture
Cause #1
- The Self Esteem Movement
The
increase in narcissism in individuals is, we believe, just an outcome of a
massive shift in culture toward a greater focus on self-admiration. (The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 37)
The
cultural focus on self-admiration began with the shift toward focusing on the
individual in the 1970?s. In the
three decades since, narcissism has grown in ways these authors never could
have imagined. Parenting has become more indulgent, celebrity worship has
grown, and reality TV has become a showcase of narcissistic people. (The Narcissism
Epidemic, pg 4)??????
?Americans
abandoned the vision of themselves as part of a interconnected social system ?
a connection of parents to children and grandchildren and of community to
community - and instead turned to the narcissistic pursuit of the self as a source of value, almost like a religious experience.? (The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 64)??
Since we
were small children, we were taught to put ourselves first. We simply take it
for granted that we should all feel good about ourselves. The focus on the
needs of the individual self begins when children are young. One of the most
popular nursery decorations right now is 12 inch tall letters spelling out the
child?s name, an obvious bow to individualism? a hyper-individualized emphasis
on how truly, exquisitely unique and precious our child is, like a hope
diamond, more special than the others. Our parents have treated us as royalty
since we were born (Generation Me, pg 75)
One
program sponsored by the Canadian Mental Health Association teaches children,
?I am me! There?s not another person in the whole world like me. I have my very
own thumbprint. I am special.? Telling
people how similar they are reduces aggression and egotism, yet this program
emphasizes to teach kids how different they are from one another. The program claims it aims to ?increase
skills that promote personal development and successful relationships,? but it
potentially encourages attitudes that could undermine relationships through
narcissism and aggression. This is far from the only school program (or media
message) that emphasizes how different we are from one another. A guide for
child care providers on self-esteem emphasizes telling children, ?You are a
very special person. There is only one you in the world.? A website called
?Manifest Your Potential? asks, ?Do you wonder what makes you different from
everyone else? Are you looking for answers to ?what makes me special and
unique???
Not only
does this go against the research on reducing aggression, but it defies
centuries of history. Almost every war and every atrocity in the history of the
world has been based on differences among people. Hitler singled out the Jews
as different, and less than human and the common enemy to be killed. The Tutsi
killed the Hutu, Shiites kill Sunnis, and Serbs killed Croatians. White people
enslaved black people. Men prevented women from voting. Recognizing the common
humanity in your enemy is often the first step to stopping a war or other
conflict.
It?s not
low self-esteem that causes kids to become bullies. It?s narcissism. Narcissistic kids fight when insulted, not the
low self-esteem kids. Teaching kids how special they are makes things
worse not better. Many
people are incredulous when we suggest that all people are not special. The
emotions involved in this are so strong that arguing against the importance of
self-admiration is often a nonstarter. People argue that children have to like
themselves or they will suffer dire consequences. These views are so ingrained
in American culture they are hard to fight. It?s kind of like telling people
they don?t really need to wear pants. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 286-288)
Parents
need to abandon the notion that their child is the center of the universe. This is a tough pill for parents to swallow
sometimes, because they have been told that being special is necessary for
being loved. But that?s not really true. People who truly think they are
special have trouble with connecting to ?normal? people; likewise, ?normal?
people have problems connecting to ?special? people. (The Narcissism Epidemic,
pg 293)
?
In
schools, the emphasis on self-esteem has to go. No more ?I am special? songs.
No more ?everyone is a winner?. We are not saying that children need to be told
they are not special or are losers ?just drop the whole issue. It is relatively
easy to succeed in life with low self-esteem, but very difficult to succeed
without self-control, self-discipline, or emotional resilience in the face of
setbacks. The ability to learn from failure is crucial in life, and is much,
much easier in a culture that does not push ?specialness?. Children?s sports programs should stop giving
trophies to everyone who participates. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 296)
The enthusiastic claims of the self-esteem movement mostly range
from fantasy to hogwash. The effects of self-esteem are small, limited, and not
all good. Those with high self-esteem are more likely to be obnoxious, to
interrupt, and to talk at people rather than with them (in contrast to the more
shy, modest, self-effacing folks with low self-esteem). People with high
self-esteem are also more likely to be bullies. Self-control
is worth 10 times as much as self-esteem. (The American Paradox, pg 167) This explains the bullying epidemic in
????
Public
service announcements vividly illustrate what Americans are now concerned with
(ourselves) and what no longer gets much attention (Knowledge and the larger
world). Jean
Twenge is correct about this, and Winston Wu has discussed this fact at happier
abroad. Fact is, most Americans know very little about the rest of the world
compared to foreigners. But we sure think we do. If public
service announcements are going to positively influence Americans, they need to
start by focusing on things outside ourselves (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 291)
?
Generation
me (those of us born after 1965) is straightforward and unapologetic about our
self-focus. A careful study of news stories published or aired between 1980 and
1999 found a large increase in self-reference words (I, me, mine and myself)
and a marked decrease in collective words (humanity, country, or crowd). So,
why did children?s self-esteem
increase so dramatically during the 1980?s and 1990?s? The short answer is that
they we were taught it. (Generation Me, pg 53)??
Many
school districts across the country have specific programs designed to increase
children?s self-esteem, most of which actually build self-importance and
narcissism. These programs make self-importance mandatory, demanding of
children that they love themselves and encourage children to feel good about
themselves for no particular reason. (Generation Me, pg 55) In such programs,
kids color posters that read ?YOU ARE SPECIAL?, or wear badges saying ?I AM
GREAT?, and recite phrases and wear T shirts saying ?I?m lovable and capable?.
Parenting books and magazines stress the importance of self-esteem. The mission
statements of many schools is to raise children?s self-esteem. Schools create
exercises making self-importance mandatory, demanding of children that they
love themselves for no particular reason. Teacher training courses often
emphasize that a child?s self-esteem must be preserved above all else.
Self-esteem should not be raised based on who they are but rather than how they
perform or behave. TV and mainstream media have taught us that loving yourself
is more important than anything else. (Generation Me, pg 57)
Shows for
younger children actively encourage narcissism in a different but equally
effective way. One PBS show proclaims, ?You?re special just for being you!?
Very young girls now watch TV shows like Hannah Montana and High school
Musical. Although these shows are free of inappropriate sexuality and crass
language, they are unfortunately not free of narcissistic attitudes. Shows like Hannah Montannah promote the
seductive narcissistic dream of fame, riches, and vanity. Hanna Girls dress up like Hannah Montana in
makeover parties like those at Club Libby Lu, a mall based chain that hosts
makeovers for girls age
And we
wonder why so many American women grow up as they do? materialistic with a
golden princess attitude to boot. Apparently, in
We hope
that writers and producers will get the message that excessive self?admiration is not praiseworthy but
dangerous. You do
not need to encourage children to feel special and proclaim that they are hot.
You don?t need to convince teenage boys that they should be confident enough to
hit on their friend?s mom. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 105)????? ???
What kind
of young people does all this unconditional self-esteem building produce? Many
teachers and social observers say it results in kids who can?t take criticism.
In other words, employers, get ready for a group of easily hurt young workers.
Research shows that when people with high self-esteem are criticized, they
became unfriendly, rude, and uncooperative, even toward people who had nothing
to do with the criticism. They feel they deserve recognition and attention from
others, and their unique individual needs should be considered first and
foremost. Gen Me takes for granted that the self comes first and we often
believe exactly what we were sp carefully taught - that we?re special.
(Generation Me, pg 65)
Surely
kids who have high self-esteem go on to make better grades and achieve more in
school. However, research
shows that self-esteem does not cause high grades - instead, high grades cause higher
self-esteem. Nor does high self-esteem protect against teen pregnancy, juvenile
delinquency, alcoholism, drug abuse, or chronic welfare dependency. In fact, all the literature seems to conclude
that high self-esteem doesn?t cause much of anything. Self-esteem based on nothing does not serve
children well in the long run. In fact, people with high self-esteem are often more violent and more likely
to cheat. It?s
clearly better for children to value learning rather than simply feeling good
about themselves for no reason. Self-esteem without basis encourages laziness
rather than hard work. True self-confidence comes from honing your talents and
learning things, not from being told you?re great just because you exist.
(Generation Me, pg 67)
Young
people who have high self-esteem built on shaky foundations might run into
trouble when they encounter the harsh realities of the real world. Kids who are
given meaningless A?s and promoted when they haven?t learned the material will
later find out in college or the working world that they don?t know much at
all. And what will that do to their self-esteem, or more importantly, their
careers? Unlike your teachers, your boss isn?t going to care much about
preserving your high self-esteem. The self-esteem emphasis leaves kids ill
prepared for the inevitable criticism and occasional failure that is real life.
Setting kids up like this is doing them a tremendous disservice.
The risk
in these self-esteem programs is in inflating the self-concept of children who
already think the world revolves around them. Building up the self-esteem and
importance of kids who are already egocentric can bring trouble, as it can lead
to NARCISSISM ? and maybe it already has.?
This focus
on self-esteem often crosses over into entitlement: The idea that we deserve
more. And why shouldn?t we? We?ve been told all our lives that we are special.
Parenting
magazines should stop insisting that a parent?s most important duty is to raise
a child who likes ?herself?. Most
kids like themselves just fine - and make the demands to prove it. If children
are always praised and always get what they want, they may find it difficult to
overcome challenges as adults. The risk of overindulgence is self-centeredness and self-absorption. Much of the self-esteem movement actually
encourages narcissism, or the belief that one is better and more important than
anyone else. Narcissism is a very negative personality trait linked to
aggression and poor relationships with others. We also need to stop talking in
unrealistic platitudes, and this goes for teachers, parents, and
Another
aphorism and mindless psycho babble that should be chucked is ?You must love
yourself before you love others?. Narcissists - people who really love themselves - are horrible
relationship partners. Self-centered people are rarely fun to be around. So why
do we keep telling people to love themselves first before others? Beats me. An
Aphorism that makes more sense is ?No one is an island?. (Generation Me, pg
227)
Treating
your child as if he?s Christ, singing ?I am special?, and wearing a shirt that
says ?Too cool 4 you? instills narcissism, not basic self-worth.
Most
Americans assume that self-esteem is strongly linked to doing well in life. Our
culture tells us it pays to believe in yourself as long as you are not arrogant
or narcissistic. However, this isn?t really true. A major review of research on self-esteem and
achievement found that high self-esteem does not cause better grades, test
scores, or job performance. (In fact,
controlled experiments have proven that in certain academic situations, self-esteem boosting actually leads to failure,
not success).
Self-esteem comes ?AFTER success?, not before, because self-esteem is based on
success (academic or social). (The Narcissism Epidemic pg 46-47)
When
parents and teachers protect children from failure to cushion their self-esteem,
kids may end up doing worse because they aren?t learning from their mistakes.
(The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 49)?
?????
In the
In the
In
previous generations, children were expected to work hard. They weren?t told
they were special and didn?t get the idea that they were better than others.
(The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 170)
Parents
can also play a big role in raising less materialistic children. Of course,
parents want to make their children happy, and children want stuff. Thus
parents buy them stuff. And children are happy, but only for a short period of
time. Then they want even more stuff. If, in your mind, every time you thought
about buying your child stuff, you substituted the word ?crack?, it would make
the reasoning much easier - I want my daughter to be happy. Crack makes my
daughter happy. Therefore, I will buy her crack. This will make her happy for a
short period of time and then she will only want more crack. We?re not saying
that stuff is as bad as crack, but its clear that kids in
(The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 178)
The trend
towards more unique names says a lot about our culture. We now wish so
fervently that our children will stand out from the crowd that we equip them
with unique labels from birth. Unique names aren?t necessarily bad, and we
don?t mean to pass judgment on them, but the individualistic focus on children being unique and different
fits squarely into the narcissism epidemic. Scales of narcissism reliably correlate with standard assessments
of the need for uniqueness, because narcissists like the idea of standing out
and being different from other people. (The Narcissism Epidemic,? pg 183-184)
The
Associated Press story on our study of the rise in narcissism mentioned the ?I
think I am a special person? item from the NPI. The story ended with a quote
from
In our
online survey, we asked, ?Is it important to tell kids they are special?? Nicole,
29, gave a version of the most popular response: ?Definitely. It builds
self?esteem and confidence, and I believe it also helps them to respect
others.? In some ways, these responses make our argument for us. We are a
nation fixated on the idea of being the exception to the rule, standing out,
and being better than others-in other words, on being special and narcissistic
- and we?re so surrounded by this
ethos that we find it shocking that anyone would question it. Fish don?t realize they?re in water. But feeling special is narcissism - not self-esteem, not
self-confidence, and not something we should be building in our children.
There?s a difference between narcissism and self-confidence. And it is unlikely
to lead to respect for others, as Nicole theorized; people who believe they are special often want
to be the exception to the rule, which is usually unfair to everyone else. Even though everyone cannot be special,
everyone is unique. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 183-184)
Loving
your children, and telling them so, is not the same as telling them that they
are special. Love creates a secure base for a child and a connection that they
can count on. In contrast, telling a
child she is special sets her apart and creates disconnection ? a recipe for
narcissism. An
overemphasis on uniqueness has negative consequences for individuals as well.
Studies have found that teenagers who have a ?personal fable? of uniqueness
believe that no one understands them. Teens with these beliefs are
significantly more likely to be depressed and think about suicide. (The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 192)??????
?
The
enthusiastic claims of the self-esteem movement mostly range from fantasy to
hogwash. The effects of self-esteem are small, limited, and not all good. Those
with high self-esteem are more likely to be obnoxious, to interrupt, and to
talk at people rather than with them (in contrast to the more shy, modest,
self-effacing folks with low self-esteem). People with high self-esteem are
also more likely to be bullies. Self-control is worth 10 times as much as self-esteem. (The
American Paradox, pg 167) This
explains the bullying epidemic in
Cause #2
- The Age of the Weak Parent
On a
recent trip to Babies R Us, Jean was distracted by the display of bibs at the
checkout counter. In large white letters on pink and blue, they announced :
?Chick Magnet?,? Super Model?, ?Princess?, and ?I?m the Boss?. This is just a
glimpse into the new parenting culture that has fueled the narcissism epidemic.
It says a lot about a culture that people think a six month old wearing a
?Super Model? bib is cute. It is
increasingly common to see parents relinquishing authority to young children, showering them with unearned praise, protecting them from their teachers? criticisms, giving them expensive automobiles, and
allowing them to have freedom but not the responsibility that goes with it. Not that long ago, kids knew who the boss was
and it wasn?t them. It was
mom and dad. And mom and
dad weren?t your ?friends?. They
were your parents. Parents
want their kids? approval, a reversal of the past ideal of children striving
for their parents? approval. (The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 73)
Many of
today?s parents seek to raise children high in self-admiration and self-esteem,
partially because books and articles have touted its importance. Unfortunately,
much of what parents think raises self-esteem ? such as telling a kid he?s
special and giving him what he wants ? actually leads to narcissism. Modern behavioral
theories argue that narcissism arises from inflated feedback - if you are told
over and over that you are great, you?ll probably think you are great. Good
intentions and parental pride have opened the door to cultural narcissism in
parenting. A remarkable percentage of clothes for baby girls has ?Princess? or
?Little Princess? written on it. If your daughter is a princess, does this,
mean that you are the queen or king? No ? it means you are the loyal subject,
and you must do what the princess says. Unless you?re Prince William or Harry,
don?t dress your daughter in an outfit claiming she is a ?Princess?. She?s not. Get over it.
This
really is the era of the weak parent. Giving this much power to children
teaches an entitled view of life, with all of the fun and choices but none of
the responsibility. More than any time in history, the child?s needs come
first. In studies
on parenting and narcissism, this kind of lax parental monitoring was one of
the strongest correlates of narcissism in teens. It?s also a good predictor of teen drug and alcohol abuse and
crime. Parents who want to stick with the older model of child rearing that
downplays materialism and emphasizes politeness and discipline are swimming
against the cultural tide. If you don?t let your children do something, but
every other message that your children hear ? from the media, friends, the
school, and other parents ? tells them it?s OK, then your resistance will only
last so long. When a man travels
abroad, he will notice how humble,
and disciplined foreign ladies are.
Many
parents? resolve crumbles in the face of permissive norms. Throughout the
1980?s and 90?s, the importance of obedience steadily declined until it reached
an all time low in 2004, the last year for which data was available. The
surveys shore up the feeling many Americans have about modern parenting: that
we have become too indulgent, that we praise children too much, that we treat our children almost like
royalty. When children are overindulged, it leads to outcomes resembling the
seven deadly sins: pride, wrath, envy, sloth, gluttony, lust, and greed. The
seven deadly sins are, of course, a succinct summary of the symptoms of
narcissism. (The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 74-82)?????
At one
time, strong social pressures kept people?s egos in check. (i.e. Mothers asked
children ?Who do you think you are??)? Now we are likely to say ?What do you want for
dinner princess??
?
Americans
Can?t Take Criticism
Unfortunatley, when
pointing out many of the flaws of our American culture, many Americans become defensive
instead of being open minded about recognizing these issues.
When mother Theresa
came to the
?"This is the poorest place I've ever been in
my life," recounts Robert Seiple, the former director of World Vision, a
Christian charity organization. "She wasn't talking about economics",
he adds. "She was talking about poverty of the soul". (Affluenza, pg 74)
A quote I found on the internet regarding this quote above.....
"If you tell thid to the typical American,
they'll freak out on you, hate on you, and tell you you're not good enough to
be an American or some such. Most American's can't take ANY criticism,
even if it's constructive, and will just tell you to get out of the country
(love it or leave it), if you don't like something. I wonder if they told that
to Mother Theresa, too!"
Source: http://www.alternet.org/world/154453/why_the_american_empire_was_destined_to_collapse/
"A friend of mine who is a dean at one
of the nation's major medical schools was very taken by my discussion of Joyce
Appleby's work, in my book Dark Ages
What
the Future Holds
If the
narcissism epidemic continues, there will be even more entitlement,
materialism, vanity, antisocial behaviors, and relationship troubles. Americans
might not even notice it. Perhaps parents will routinely suggest plastic
surgery to their kids to ?boost self-confidence?. Young people will each have
thousands of friends but will spend so much time tending those shallow relationships that they will spend much less time on deeper connections with others. Home mortgages will get longer
and longer so homeowners will never get out of debt but can have the fine
lifestyle that they feel they deserve. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 276)?????
The life
course of the generation of Americans just now entering the workforce will be
especially interesting to watch. Their parents and teachers gave them inflated
feedback and much of what they saw on TV featured pleasures of the rich. They got trophies just for showing up as kids,
but as adults many of them might be struggling just to find a job. The culture of the last few decades has not
prepared this generation for the challenges they will face. Many will rise to
the occasion, buckling down to work harder. The rest will be angry and depressed at their lot in life, (I see this high stress agitated uptight attitude in many
Americans. This is mostly absent in most non-western cultures) so different from the comfort and ease they
were led to expect would be theirs. At base, the culture and the economy have
to be about something real. Much of
what is ?real? is moving overseas. The sovereign wealth funds of
A large
study by the National Science Foundation found that science and engineering
research output in US universities has slowed down just as it is growing in
Asia and
The only
question is how long it will be before our nation buckles under the strains of
narcissism. Our social fabric will tear under the weight of this egotism and
incivility. The Chinese will eat our lunch economically as narcissistic
American consumers spend themselves into permanent debt and entitled employees
demand more money for less work. Reality always wins in the end. (The
Narcissism Epidemic, pg 303)
????
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Below are Further
Supportive Studies Outside of These Experts.
Divorce
DIVORCE RATE IN
DIVORCE RATE BETWEEN AMERICAN AND FOREIGN WIFE= 20%
See here for proof of the 20% stat above:? http://www.uscis.gov/files/article/MobRept_AppendixA.pdf
*The link above has since expired but
the full report is listed at the very end of this document
As quoted word by word from the USCIS
report to Congress: ?It is interesting to note that, based largely on data
provided by the agencies themselves (along with the Commission on Filipinos
Overseas report cited above), marriages arranged through these services would
appear to have a lower divorce rate than the nation as a whole, fully 80 percent of these
marriages having lasted over the years
for which reports are available.?
The New America
See - http://students.eng.fiu.edu/~denver/pdfs/DivorceRate.pdf
The one major change that has pushed up our divorce rates so dramatically is the lack of societal stigma. The fabric that help together unhappy marriages in the past was not legal hurdles or lack of women's rights, but rather a very negative opinion of divorce in the American community. Couples who were unhappy knew that a divorce would bring even more unhappiness, in the form of rejection and derision from families and peers. Even their children would suffer at the hands of classmates and teachers. The threat of being disgraced in the community was enough to keep them together for better or worse.
In western countries like the
One of the reasons the divorce rate is so high is that people have such a
shabby view of marriage. Consider how many people actually go to Las
Vegas to get married - with not even a thought of seeking God's blessing.
Given the low esteem of marriage that this represents, is it surprising that
so many of them get divorced?
Expecting
Perfection
I've once heard a woman say, "I don't want to divorce my husband, but if he
doesn't change, I will have no choice." IF HE DOESN'T CHANGE! All of this while
she
was actively looking for someone else... while still married. But she is so
perfect, she is entitled to demand perfection of others. Until she realizes that
some of her ways need to change, men will always turn out to be dogs. All
of her relationships will end the same way. One of the reasons people get
divorced is that they demand and expect perfection of the other person.
Once someone
expects perfection from another human being, they will never
fail to be disappointed. Then they will find themselves unhappy in their
marriage, supposedly because the other person is not making them happy.
There are some people who will never be happy, regardless of whom they marry.
Selfishness
?
This leads to another reason why people get divorced. People are inherently
selfish. I am not happy. I don't care about my spouse or my children, what
about ME? Sure you need to look out for yourself, but people today look
only after themselves. But that's human nature. The flesh is inherently
selfish. Modern relationships consist of two people trying to take from each
other
as much as they could. When they realize that the other person could
no longer give them what they want, they opt out.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html
Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we woman do. The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along: Love.
Lack of
Commitment
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/152965/a_closer_look_at_the_reasons_for_the.html
I believe this is the major American reason for getting
divorced.
A
Misunderstanding of ?Love?
Unfortunately, Americans base their views on what love is
primarily from what they see in the movies or on television, or read in a novel.
Love according to these sources is that special, heart-throbbing feeling that
you get from just seeing someone or hearing their voice. Almost every couple
will experience these feelings, especially when they are first dating. For many
I'm a lurker in various American cheating forums and pretty
much every reason I have read as to why a woman cheated was because the
"chemistry" went away and they felt as though they were being cheated out of the
soul mate experience .
Americans
Quit
Americans have an inability to work through difficulties. When the going gets tough, Americans tend to quit. Finances get tight sometimes. Unplanned children are born. Planned children put unexpected stress on a marriage. It is easier to just walk away than to work through the problems.
http://www.jewishworldreview.com/kathleen/parker071599.asp
(The following can be explained by narcissism in our culture)
Sad, but not surprising, marriage is at a 40-year low, according to a recent report by the National Marriage Project. Some demographers are predicting that 85 percent of young Americans will never marry.
Why? Because they're afraid they won't be "happy." In fact, fewer people today are happy with marriage than just 30 years ago. In the early 1970s, 53 percent of people in their first marriages were "very happy." By 1996, only 37.8 percent were. (So of the 40% of Americans who do stay married, only 37.50% of that 40% are really happy)
Such is cause for concern. As Utah Gov. Michael O. Leavitt said at a recent meeting of marriage researchers: "If the institution of marriage ever falls from grace, our society will fall as well, because there is no institution that can take its place."
In response to these troubling figures, researchers are building seminars on conflict-resolution, intimacy, infidelity and children, while marriage advocates are urging Congress to eliminate marriage penalties in the tax codes.
Like most things of value, marital happiness is earned,
mostly through hard work and self-sacrifice. The rule in marriage shouldn't be:
I want to be happy in my marriage. Rather, the rule should be: I want to make my spouse happy in our marriage. What a concept.
There is value to giving more than you receive. There is value to placing the marriage -- the family, the common good, the higher goal -- above one's individual wants or wishes.
Given such lessons early in life, we might see not only fewer divorces and broken families, but also a more civil society. The rules for family and society are really the same. Whither goes the family, so goes the other.
(
American
Women Initiate Divorce 66% of the Time!
See:? http://www.livestrong.com/article/146100-why-do-women-initiate-divorce/
Also see : http://hubpages.com/hub/womeninitatedivorcetwothirdsofthetimewhydotheywantogetmarried
This study shows that Domestic Violence, Infidelity, and Exploitation are NOT a Factor in divorce. The reasons are below
"Because I've Outgrown
Him"
Women today often decide to divorce their husbands
because they have simply outgrown them, according to author Carol Ann Wilson in
her book "ABCs of Divorce for Women." Wilson, a professional
counselor for women in financial issues, says that many more women are simply
realizing that they have new career and personal growth opportunities.
"Because I Don't Need
Him"
In this age of continuing independence for women in general, divorce often is an escape for women who simply do not want in a marriage anymore. Some women just don't feel they need marriage any longer to feel complete or be successful, according to author and researcher Ashton Applewhite in his book "Cutting Loose: Why Women Who End Their Marriages Do So."
"Because I Will
Win"
Statistically, author Margaret Brinig says, women who filed for divorce most often felt confident they would receive advantageous custody agreements. "The question of custody absolutely swamps all the other variables," Brinig said. "Our study found that children are the most important asset in a marriage and the partner who expects to get custody is by far the one most likely to file for divorce." Brinig adds that not only are women certain they will get custody, they divorce specifically in order to "gain full control over the children."
The majority of midlife divorces are initiated by women. Don't believe it? In the AARP survey, 66 percent of women reported that they asked for the divorce, compared with 41 percent of men. And men more often than women were caught off-guard by their divorce.
Divorce
Is All the Rage for Females Over 40
http://www.thirdage.com/divorce/divorce-is-all-the-rage-for-females-over-40#
?More than half of all marriages today end in divorce. But, for the first time in history, the majority of those divorces are now being instigated by women.?
?Women in their 40?s and 50?s no longer feel stigmatized by the word "divorc?e."?
?We have increased social confidence. And we have a fairer legal system (Do you take
this man to the cleaners, for 50 percent of
his income, from this day forth, for richer and richer? You bet I do!)
Now a new survey reveals that women worry more about getting breast cancer,
their children's futures, and even immigration and menopause, than they do about undergoing a husband-ectomy.?
The ego
epidemic: How more and more of us women have an inflated sense of our own
fabulousness
By Lucy
Taylor
Last updated at 7:55 AM on 14th September 2009
Us women are more
egocentric and narcissistic than we ever used to be, according to extensive
research by two leading psychologists.
More of us have huge
expectations of ourselves, our lives and everyone in them. We think the
universe resolves around us, with a deluded sense of our own fabulousness, and
believe we are cleverer, more talented and more attractive than we actually
are.
We have trouble accepting criticism and extending empathy
because we are so preoccupied with ourselves.
Got it all: Actresses Kim Cattrall (left to right),
Cynthia Nixon, Sarah Jessica Parker and Kristin Davis on location for the new
movie 'Sex and the City 2'
Am I making you angry
by telling you this? It figures. Narcissistic or egotistical women do have an
overwhelming sense of entitlement and arrogance.
Of course, I joke,
but researchers say there is growing evidence of an epidemic of ego-itis
everywhere.
Once a traditionally
male syndrome, narcissism generally begins at home and in schools, where children
are praised excessively, often spoiled rotten and given the relentless message
that they are 'special'.
Psychology professors
Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell analysed studies on 37,000 college students in
2006.
In a survey, 30 per
cent of them said they believed they should get good grades simply for turning
up.
NET WORTH: Facebook is a boon for
those with narcissistic traits, who use the networking site for self-promotion,
says a recent study.
And
it's not just about how intelligent they think they are. In the workplace, in
friendships, even in motherhood, the pervading culture seems to
have become one of competitiveness, superiority and one-upmanship.
But the sphere in
which the signs of self-obsession are perhaps most obvious, and the
consequences most immediately felt, is the dating one.
In a recent magazine
article, four women in their late 20s and 30s shared their thoughts about why
they were still single. A 39-year-old beauty director claimed to be too
independent for a relationship.
A 38-year-old music
agent attributed her single status to the fact she was an alpha female -
independent, feisty, strong-minded, high-achieving and intimidating.
Mirror, mirror: Are women increasingly believing that the
universe revolves around them?
She pointed out that
she owned a gorgeous flat with gorgeous things in it, had a nice car, was a
member of a fancy gym and wore designer dresses. 'I do what I like, when I
like,' she said.
She'd been told, and
appears to believe, that she's too successful and too well-educated for most
men.
The third woman, a
30-year- old arts writer and curator, has been having too much fun to settle
down.
Another, a
29-year-old, said she was too picky. She was looking for a guy who is (just)
tall enough. And (just about) good-looking enough (but not too good-looking so
that she'd play second fiddle).
He needs to be
successful, solvent and driven. He must also be long on genuinely good jokes,
with a decent sideline in bad ones that only she finds funny.
He needs to 'speak
good restaurant', to have no special dietary requirements and to always be
discerning without ever being fussy.
Me, me, me: The workplace is one area where women can
develop an over-inflated view of themselves
He needs to be clever
without ever making her feel stupid. He needs to 'get' but not 'know'
fashion... and so the list went on.
She concluded that
she would rather eat wasps than share her Sunday with anyone who fails to
measure up to her idea of Mr. Perfect.
Of course, there is
nothing wrong with having high expectations. But being delusional and having a
totally unrealistic blueprint are an altogether different
matter.
And they often go
hand in hand with acute ego-itis. As Margot Medhurt knows only too well.
She is the founder of
Yours Sincerely, an Edinburgh-based personal dating and introduction agency for
professionals. She has almost 30 years' experience in the industry and has
noticed a significant rise in this phenomenon in
recent years.
'It used to be that
most women who joined a dating agency had a pretty good idea of where they
stood in the eligibility stakes,' she said. 'But in the past few years, I've
noticed that there are a significant number of women who don't.
'They tend to be in
their 30s, and there is a wide discrepancy between how they perceive themselves
and how others see them.
'They are often very plain, but see themselves as being
absolutely fabulous, exceptional people.
'They invariably
reject every guy's profile I send them. But if a guy
rejects their profile, there is all hell to pay. There is disbelief. They are
really saying: "I'm so fabulous. How dare he turn me down?"
'In the past few
years, I've noticed a real sense of entitlement among this small group of
women. The idea that a guy might not find them as amazing as they find
themselves doesn't enter their head.
'They often become
indignant and angry towards me, demanding to know why a guy dared to turn them
down. Most people simply accept the facts of the dating game: some people will
find you attractive and others won't, in the same way that you'll be drawn to
some but not others.
Women today think the universe
revolves around them and have a deluded sense of their abilities
'These women,
however, are unable to get their heads around the fact that the rest of the
world might not share the distorted, inflated view they have of themselves.'
She said she had a
eureka moment when she read a recent article about the rise in narcissism among
women.
According to the
American research, there has been a 67 per cent increase in it over the past two
decades, mainly among women.
An estimated ten per
cent of the population suffers from narcissism as a full-blown personality
disorder.
The symptoms include:
a grandiose sense of self-importance; the belief that he or she is
special or unique and in some way better - either intellectually or physically
- than others; a requirement for excessive admiration; a sense of entitlement, whether to fame, fortune, success and happiness or simply to special
treatment; enviousness of others or a belief that others are envious of him or
her; an inability to empathise; an inability to admit a mistake; and haughty behaviour or attitude.
Food for thought: One woman said she
would not share time with a man unless he was her ideal of Mr. Perfect
What researchers have
also identified, and are far more worried about, is what has been described as
'normal' narcissism - a cultural shift that has seen even non-narcissistic
people seduced by the emphasis on material wealth, physical appearance and
celebrity worship.
The researchers
believe our culture brings out narcissistic behavior in almost all of us.
They blame the
internet (where 'fame' is a click away), reality television (where the lure of
fame without talent is most prevalent), easy credit (which enables people to
buy far beyond their ability to pay), celebrity worship, our highly consumerist, competitive and individualistic society, and a generation of indulgent parents who have raised their children to think
they're special, amazing and perfect.
According to Twenge,
this focus on self-admiration has caused a cultural flight from reality to the
land of grandiose fantasy.
We have phony rich
people (who actually have massive mortgages and piles of debt), phony beauty
(via plastic surgery), phony celebrities (via reality TV and YouTube), phony
genius students (with grade inflation) and phony friends (with the social
networking explosion).
TOP DOG: Narcissists are most likely
to end up in leadership roles despite the fact they often don't make good
leaders, according to a
'I had noticed this
trend, but wasn't really sure what it was all about,' says Margaret Medhurt.
'However, when I read
that article and thought about the unrealistic expectations and sense of entitlement among some of the women, it really struck a chord.
'One of the cases
that brought it home to me involved a 38-year-old businesswoman.
'I knew there were
going to be problems right away. As soon as someone joins the agency, we get
things moving very quickly - but this wasn't quick enough for this woman.
'She wanted a date
immediately. The first man I sent her profile to declined an introduction and
she was extremely cross. She couldn't accept it and she couldn't even be polite
about it.
'In three weeks,
three men turned her down. I explained that it takes time to meet someone but
she just got angrier and angrier. She was demanding to know why these guys did
this. I was trying to get the balance right - between being honest with her and
being tactful.
'I think, ultimately,
she had a very flawed perception of herself. And she almost couldn't bear that
it was being challenged. It was as if she couldn't deal with the fact that some
guys didn't think she was amazing - and she left.'
Men, traditionally
regarded as the more self-centred of the species and the rogues of the mating
game, are left scratching their heads and pondering Freud's famous question:
what do women want?
David Baxter (not his
real name) is a 40-year-old management consultant. Previously married for nine
years, he joined a dating agency in the summer.
He says he's not
perfect, but is told he's an eligible and pleasant guy with a lot to offer.
'I've had three
successive dates recently with ladies in the late 30s to early 40s age bracket
that have left me dumbfounded,' he said.
'I've never
come across such massive egos, such arrogance and lack of basic courtesy.
'It was as if these
particular dates were a forum for them to tell me how exceptional they were.
One told me repeatedly how many young guys at the gym asked her out; another
was very artificial.
'You sensed that they absolutely worshipped themselves, though none of them was
drop-dead gorgeous or had amazing personalities, jobs or anything else to set
them apart and elevate themselves into some superior position.
'I also thought it
was quite telling that none of them had ever been married, engaged or had
recently - or perhaps ever - been in a long-term relationship.
'I got the feeling
that these women were living in a Sex And The City-inspired fantasy world. I
also sensed that nobody would ever be good enough for them.
'They seem to be
looking for something that doesn't exist: Mr. Perfect, or perhaps some
larger-than-life, dashingly handsome and unattainable
character
such as that portrayed by Mr. Big. Nothing else will do.'
Despite his recent
experience, David still considers himself lucky.
'I'm still positive
about the whole thing, but I have friends who are not so optimistic and it's evident
that encounters with these sort of women
seriously erode their self-confidence, (personal
comment: Foreign men always complain about how American women destroy their
self-confidence, see Happier
Abroad?s section of emails from foreign men who complain about this)
which is a real shame. There are a lot of genuine,
decent guys out there who are getting a rough deal.'
Neil Hay is a
32-year-old former professional golfer-turned-financial consultant who lives on
the outskirts of
After taking some
time out following the death of his mother, he joined a dating agency almost a
year ago.
'It's made me
terribly cynical, not just about the way women are, but also about what on
earth it is that they are looking for in a guy,' he said.
'Of course, we all
have standards and preferences. There's nothing wrong with that. But most of us
are also realistic. We know that Cheryl Cole is out of our league.
'I had been hoping to
meet someone who was quite nice-looking, with a good personality, someone to go
for dinner and to the cinema and have a decent conversation with. But I'm left
feeling that this isn't what women are looking for.
'It's as if they want
to be swept off their feet right from the first date, as if they're waiting for
someone like Brad Pitt or George Clooney. They're not
interested in a regular, normal, decent guy. That's not good enough for them.
'I spent three hours
on a date with one woman. I thought we got on brilliantly, but then she said
she didn't want to meet again.
'This has happened a
few times. It makes me think that if you don't live up to their
perfect fantasy, then that's it. It's game over before you've even had any chance to
begin to get to know each other.
'It does dent your confidence. I'm left thinking either that
there's something wrong with me or that I'll just never be whatever it is that
these women are looking for.
'I know there are a lot of single
women who say things like they're too independent, too feisty, too confident or
too successful for men. Or they claim that men are intimidated by strong,
intelligent and independent women. 'But this is simply not the case. I think they just tell
themselves this. It's a way of rationalising things. It's as if it's easier for
them to believe their own myths than to face reality - that they are completely
ordinary.'
? End of the Expert Opinion Section
Great
Internet Posts
A Post I Found at http://www.nomarriage.com that Sums Up
the Differences:
Honestly I
wish I could have found an American wife with all the qualities of my foreign
wife. I could not, because they do not exist. Here is a partial list of her
loveliness
FOREIGN
WOMEN
1: Sensible
and good with money.
2: Genuine commitment.
3: Very family oriented.
4: She enjoys cooking and housework ? she feels it solidifies her role as
caregiver.
5: Hard working.
6: She does not have to diet to look great
AMERICAN
WOMEN
1: highest maintenance (I've never heard of a
foreign bride demanding her husband buy expensive house & cars)
2: fattest in the world (To be fair, the men are too)
3: highest rate of divorce (60% - US-US marriages; 20% - US-foreign marriages)
4: largest payout in divorce court (you'll be stripped of just about all you?ve
worked for?????
???
plus most of what you will earn for years to come)
5: most likely to nag constantly (Dr Laura Schlessinger talks about the
?nagging? problem with woman in
6: most likely to hate men (Occurs at a subconscious level so they don?t even
realize they are this way)
7: worst at cooking and cleaning (Sad but true)
Some Comments I Found
About ?Sex in the City?:
?Sex
In The City? is fantasy world for western women. It reinforces that they are in
control, that they can have endless supplies of money
for shoes and clothes, that they can be promiscuous without consequences, and
that they don't have to even be young or all that attractive to obtain all
this.
?Sex In The City? is an offshoot of feminist orthodoxy. Women can do what they
want, when they want, how they want, because, doggone it, they are women.
Three of those women are ugly, and one is just barely passable in my eye. My
ex-Colombian wife would watch it, and wouldn?t understand the appeal. But it is an
effective way to transmit trashy
A post I found that
comes across as pretty crass but makes very valid points:
(In
the post below, for those of you who may not know it,?. the term ?bar girls? is
a common term given to Asian or Latina girls who work as prostitutes in bars in
Southeast Asia or South America)
Jetman on August 25th, 2009 3:10 am
?While I agree with you that many of the
foreigners in 3rd word countries who are sporting young girls around wouldn?t
have a chance of doing so in developed countries, I would like to offer an
alternate prospective. Most girls in US and Europe (especially eastern Europe)
are no better than the bar girls here in the
My
personal observations about the above post?..While it?s a bit crass and
abrasive, he really does hit on some valid truths. Let me explain??
I
find it so amazingly ironic to hear American women often say ?Be careful, many
of these foreign women are only after you for your money or a better life?. But
these same American women fail to comprehend that most of them do EXACTLY the same
thing but are actually far WORSE about it. I mean, talk about calling the
kettle black (rolling eyes). Puhlease!! For example, most American women I know
require a man to make a certain minimum income. Want proof? See American dating
profiles at dating sites that allow for women to publish minimum income
requirements such as at Match.com . You
will see that most profiles DO list minimum income requirements! After all, a
man must understand that she has certain material expectations that need to be
met. No matter your good character, how you treat others, good father, good
husband etc, without the $40K plus income and your WILLINGNESS to spend it on
her during the dating process, you?re pretty much toast! Most men in
Dating
Imbalances in the USA
http://www.edatereview.com/blog/2005/08/malefemale-ratio-of-online-dating.aspx
Online Dating Insider
The
Male/Female Ratio of Online Dating
One of the facts of online dating is that there are more men than women online. For example, Match.com recently told ABC News that 59% of their subscribers are men and 41% are women. You can confirm the ratio yourself by doing searches for profiles.
The high male/female ratio of online dating is not the fault of the online dating services, but it reflects the unfortunate realities of the real world. Over a decade ago I recall reading a New York Times article that stated that there were approximately 6 single men in their twenties for every five single women.
How is this possible? Aren't there an approximately equal number of boy and girl babies born each year? The biggest contributor to the skewed ratio is serial polygamy. A man in his twenties marries a woman in her twenties, then in his thirties he divorces her and marries another woman in her twenties, then in his forties he marries another women in her twenties. This happens. I have a friend who's in his fifties and his current wife is in her twenties.
There is also parallel polygamy. A woman I know, when she was in her twenties, knew a guy who had two girlfriends at the same time (neither, of course, knew of the other one's existence). And at the same time, he was also hitting on her, trying to bring his harem up to three!
What's going on in the real world is reflected in the virtual world of online dating. In fact, it's skewed worse than in the real world, because online dating sites attract a much greater percentage of people who have trouble finding dates. So not only will there be more men, there will be more undesirable (for whatever reasons) members of both sexes.
Men who use online dating services will initially try to contact the few women they are interested in. But because the desirable women receive more emails than they can respond to, male subscribers eventually figure out that they have to send out massive numbers of emails because the response rate is so low. So we wind up in the situation we're in now. Female subscribers to online dating services receive more emails than they can respond to, and male subscribers send out large numbers of emails and rarely get a response.
(Personal note ? I found many American woman profiles where woman said things very similar to this? ?Well i just joint with this website but i was suprise coz i got almost 400 message of guys from this website thats crazy !!!! but i cant read all thats messages thats too much for me. yes, i'm hot and sexy Asian woman?)
?
Women actually complain about this, but I think they are in a far better
situation than men. If you are a man, how do you fix the problem? The answer is
that you need to move to
Living in
Internet
Dating in America
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Online_dating_service
There is some evidence that there may be a difference on how women online rate male attractiveness as opposed to how men rate female attractiveness. The distribution of ratings given by men of female attractiveness appears to look like a standard bell curve (normal distribution), while ratings of men given by women is highly skewed with 80% of the men rated as below average.[20] This shows women are genuinely more picky than men when it comes to online dating. It could also potentially arise from women assessing other profile characteristics besides appearance, like their occupation for example.
Seattle
Times Article - Stay away, American Women, say British men
Source: http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=20020905&slug=erik05
Then I read to him excerpts of what his male countrymen who
had lived in the
One came from James Brown, 36, a
"American Women. You can only spend so long with one before you crack. They're out there, they're loud, they're bitter and they're kooky. After a while all the things that attracted you to them: confidence, conversation, nice teeth, begin to bug you. You think you've got Black Beauty and you end up with Mr. Ed."
And so Steve tells me that, well, yes, he had a bit of getting used to in the American dating scene.
It's not that he hasn't found love in the U.S. of A. It's been a little over a week since he really fell for Vicki Milby, 22, who is 100 percent American.
Anyway, Steve says that he had to
get used to knowing that American women reserve the
right to date a whole bunch of guys at the same time. It's not like that
in
And something else. That first date with an American girl, it's like it's supposed to be a big-time dinner, instead of just going to a pub with friends. So you end up dropping like $90 while she's doing her checklist.
I talk to Vicki, and she tells me she thinks American women can come across as a bit too much. "They want to be equal so much it can be overpowering?
Then there is Martin, 42, who grew
up in
I read Martin what his countrymen say about American women, and he totally agrees. (He also has found that a British accent is a fantastic woman magnet here.)
But that American Woman! Mama, let me be!
One of the first questions is
always: "What
car do I drive?" Martin says. "If I have the latest BMW or
drive a Chevy, does it make a difference? And they want to know what apartment you
live in. Do you live in
Here is a final comment in the Daily Mail from Oliver Bennett, 43, remembering a dinner-date with an American woman:
"It was like being with a nasty bank
manager, rather than someone with whom you hope to sleep. ...?.
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Proof
That Single Men Outnumber Single Women in America
1) http://www.halfsigma.com/2008/04/unmarried-mal-1.html
2)
By
Nancy Anne Jeffrey
THE
Dec.
8 ? Adam Rosen has a law degree from Villanova and trained in psychology
at Harvard. He?s also handsome and has a passion for social causes. But there?s
one thing the 37-year-old bachelor doesn?t have in his life: candidates to be
Mrs. Rosen.
?I
thought I?d be married by 30,? says the
divergence from what I imagined my life would be.?
There?s
a new biological clock out there ? the one ticking inside
bachelors. After decades in which men statistically had the upper hand in the
dating world, the demographics have reversed: For a big chunk of the dating
pool ? people ages 30 to 44 ? the number of single men and women are now about
even, or in some cases, slightly tipped in women?s favor. The odds are
especially dismal for men looking for younger mates:
By 2010,
according to the
(Guys, this is why its all about
LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION! 2 to 1, if you?re a single man in this age range in
America you may as well pack it in.)
What?s
happening here is a subtle but significant change in the birth
rate. While the numbers of men and women born every year are roughly the same,
the overall birthrate dropped 40% from 1955 to 1973. Because more than half of
all men marry younger women, that means their pool of prospects shrinks a bit
every year. ?The tables have turned,? says Sherry Cooper, an economist who has
written about demographic shifts. ?Guys in that 35-year-old range are going to
have a harder time.?
Matchmakers
and dating companies are already seeing the impact. Social
Circles, a New York singles group, has seen membership among 35-to 44-year old
men soar 25-fold since it started in 1997, while women in the same age group
grew at about half that rate. At It?s Just Lunch, which pairs professionals,
the percentage of female membership dropped 9% in the last three years. And
online firm Match.com is so anxious to recruit women, it started a new ad
campaign to find more. The pitch: Women no longer have to rely on ?fate? or
?destiny? to find the right mate.
?We?re all chasing
after the same women,? says Jim Hague, a 33-year-old Web
designer from
some online services.
(Personal
commentary: He is right. Just as Winston says in his Happier Abroad intro, most
men are chasing after the top 25% of women? 75% of Americans are overweight so
only 25% of the remaining women are thin. No guys I know are chasing after
overweight women, but women will chase after overweight men because they are
not as visual as men are, and because they are more attracted to money than a
man?s physical appearance)
His
female friends, however, got 200 e-mails a day. ?They can easily delete you,?
(Personal
commentary: Exactly! Women have the upper hand in
Mr.
Hague says. Indeed, 40-year-old Suzanne Mulroy got so many e-mails from her service that she
put it on hold. ?I thought I?d get a response,? Ms. Mulroy says, ?but
I didn?t think I was going to get this deluge.?
All of which, of course, is a significant shift from the 1980s; at the
start of that decade, for example, there were about 1.3 women for every
eligible man from 35 to 44. The odds were even better for the narrower group of
men in their late 30s dating women in their early 30s: Almost two women for
every single man. Many people still remember the 1986 Newsweek article that
famously, if controversially, declared that a single, college-educated,
40-year-old woman had a better chance of being killed by a terrorist than of
ever tying the knot.
But in the years since, the odds have gotten worse for the
one-time
supermale.
Far from an abundance of bachelorettes, today there?s a small
shortage ? for
every million thirty something women, there is a surplus of
80,000 men of the same age. Men looking for younger women will find
even more
competition:
Within nine years, there will be one woman 30 to 34 for every two men 35 to 44,
according to one set of projections by the
How did this shift occur? For starters, with more women than men on the
dating scene, men played the field and postponed marriage ? sometimes until
their 40s, much later than previous generations. The
percentage of 35- to
44-year-old bachelors almost tripled from 1980 to 2000, according to the U.S.
Census Bureau?s Current Population Surveys. Thinking they had tons of
options, especially as divorce rates grew, some men got pickier, too, demanding
not only good looks but also good jobs from their mates. That narrowed the
field even
more: By one
estimate, men in their early 30s making $75,000 or more outnumber
women of the same earning power two to one.
All the while, pop culture only
perpetuated the belief that men had the
advantage, with shows like ?Sex and the City? and novels like ?Bridget Jones?s
Diary? harping on themes of the desperate, single women. And lots of people
still believe it. ?Men feel they have the upper hand,? says Lisa
Doherty, a 40-year-old public-relations executive. When she?s gone on dates,
Ms. Doherty
says men have told her they want a younger woman.
But slowly, evidence of the shift is cropping up. Take personal ads, the
quintessential dating device of the ?80s and ?90s. While the ratio of men to
women placing ads varies from city to city, many towns are seeing notable jumps
in male advertisers. At Chicago Magazine, for example, the percent of personals
placed by women skidded 38% in just two years. During the past three years, the
percentage of men placing personal ads in the Cleveland Plain Dealer jumped
14%, according to People2People Group, a firm that creates personals.
Other men are going where experts say they need to ? older women. When
Match.com polled its members earlier this year, the
company discovered that its average male client is now willing to date a woman
three years his senior, up from two a few years ago. At ?It?s Just Lunch?, men
35 to 43 are now asking to date women 36 to 40 ? up about four years from a
decade ago.
?
3)
http://www.halfsigma.com/2006/07/the_woman_short.html
The
Women Shortage
Dennis
Mangan has some posts
about the Woman Shortage.
I've
known about this phenomenon for a long time, but this is the first I knew that
it had a name with capital letters.
There
are 105 boy babies for every 100 girl babies (at least I assume this based on
the male to female ratio of ages 0 to 5 in the US Census).
The
ratio of single (defined as separated or not married) men to single women in
lower age brackets becomes even larger because of serial polygamy, which is the
tendency of some older men to divorce and marry a lot younger.
Using
the 2000 U.S. Census data, and looking only at respondents who claimed to be
white, in the age bracket of 18-29, there are 119 single men for every 100
single women.
It
doesn't get much better for men in their thirties. For white people aged 30-39,
there are 117 single men for every 100 single women.
As
we see, dating life is much harder for under-40-year-old men than it is for women.
More
U.S. Marriages are Unhappy
http://www.divorcereform.org/mel/neditorial.html
From
New York Times editorial page July 16, 1999
Marriage Loses in 'Divorce Culture'
To the Editor:
"... society's greater acceptance of divorce may
itself be contributing to the decline in marital happiness. A study
published in the Journal of Family Issues recently concluded that "by
adopting attitudes that provide greater freedom to leave unsatisfying
marriages, people may be increasing the likelihood that their marriages
will become unsatisfying in the long run."
It
seems that the divorce culture feeds on itself, creating a one-way
downward spiral of unhappiness and failure.
David Brenner
The writer is associate director of the Institute for American Values.
The "Mail-Order Bride"
Industry and its Impact on U.S.
Robert J. Scholes, PhD with the assistance of
Anchalee Phataralaoha, MA
This research was funded
under purchase order COW-8-P-0233 from the Immigration and Naturalization
Service. The analyses and conclusions presented do not necessarily represent
the official position or policy of the Immigration and Naturalization Service.
The Women
An analysis
of the listings in recent issues of five popular catalogs featuring 1,400 Asian
women found that 70 percent were Filipino (despite the fact that Republic Act
No. 6955 makes such listings illegal), many of whom are
"in-service" as domestic workers in other countries, 16 percent
Indonesian, 8 percent Thai, 2 percent Malaysian and Japanese, and 1
percent Chinese and Korean. In terms of age, 20 percent are 16-20 years of age,
41 percent are 21-25, 24 percent are 26-30, 11 percent 31-35, and just 4
percent are over the age of 35. That is, for the Asian women, 61 percent are
under the age of 25. There is a large difference in ages between these Asian
women and their counterparts from the former
Why do foreign women want American husbands? Many
sources suggest that these women are searching for a "better life" in
terms of socio-economic factors--they do, for the most part, come from places
in which jobs and educational opportunities for women are scarce and wages are
low. However, when the women themselves are asked this question, the answer
generally indicates an attraction to American men (they look like movie stars) and an aversion
to native men. Americans, they say, make good husbands while Filipino
(Thai/Indonesian/Russian/etc.) men do not. Americans are thought to be faithful
to their wives, while the native men are cruel and run around with other women.
True or not, this is the perception.
(Personal commentary: Despite
this evidence, most Americans continue to believe the stereotypes that for
these foreign women, it?s all about a green card or money.)
Success
Rates for International Services
In a survey
done for this report we sent e-mails to 102 of the services and received
replies from 28. We asked what percentage of their female clients married
Few agencies
kept any records of engagements or marriages; some because they are too new for
their clients to have had time to marry, some because they have no interest in
following up on their listings. Of those that provided estimates of marriages,
the ones listing predominately women from
The only
agency that provided firm statistics was Encounters International. This agency
has been in business since 1993 and presents 450 Russian women in its current
listing. They report 102 marriages to date between Russian women and
According to
a report from the Commission on Filipinos Overseas (Paredes-Maceda, 1995)
mail-order brides constitute 10 percent of the marriages between Filipinos and
foreign nationals. Between 1989 and 1994, 95,000 Filipino men and women were
engaged to be married to foreigners, the great majority of whom met their
partners through work or personal introductions. Of the foreign men who married
Filipinos, 44 percent were
According to
the women themselves (in written replies to a 1996 questionnaire from the
author), approximately 10 percent of these women are successful--they find and
marry a man through the service. There are, then, around 10,000 marriages a
year between women listed by these agencies and men who use the services. Of
these 10,000, around 4,000 involve
Based on
these data, we may estimate that 4 percent of the 100,000 to 150,000 women
seeking
This figure,
4,000 to 6,000, represents an increase from previous estimates (e.g., the
estimate of 2,000 to 3,500 given by Kadohata, 1990) due, no doubt, to the
recent increase in both e-mail correspondence services and the agencies
specializing in Russian and Ukrainian women.
Impact on
According
to data supplied by the U.S. Census Bureau, there were 2,395,000 marriages in
the
It is
interesting to note that, based largely on data provided by the agencies
themselves (along with the Commission on Filipinos Overseas report cited
above), marriages arranged through these services would appear to have a lower
divorce rate than the nation as a whole, fully 80 percent of these marriages
having lasted over the years for which reports are available.
Conclusion
The
important thing to come away with in this Research Section of ?why date abroad?
is to realize that
?
For
starters, feminism has made women masculine. As documented in
this project, the latest research shows that women are now equal
in masculinity with men. Secondly, as quoted by
Dr. Laura Schlessinger also states the following in her book: "The effects of feminism have certainly not contributed to the kind of positive disposition that women need in order to function healthily within a monogamous, heterosexual committed relationship". She further states, "Since the 1960?s, the so-called liberation of women has proven itself to be a liberation from just about everything that could possibly be of value for a women and for the society she influences." Dr. Schlessinger also believes that "Feminism is not only responsible for the deterioration of the family, but also for the disintegration of intimacy between men and women". (source - http://www.campusprogress.org/articles/dr._laura_schlessinger/) She is just one of many American experts who argues this point.
Setting
aside expert opinion, let?s look at common sense. If you will
notice, the countries most infected with feminist
ideals are also the countries with the world leading divorce rates, with the
In
addition, it is interesting to note that the research has proven that the
divorce rate is far higher in marriages where men marry women
who ascribe to feminist values than women who stand by traditional
values. In fact,
Another
major conclusion this research has shown is that
Also,
unlike most American women, most foreign women are humble, appreciative and
have great family values. They truly
"need" men and appreciate whatever you can do for them, however small
it might be. And unlike with most American women, how much money you have or
how much you are willing to spend on them is not a
significant influential factor in their decision on whether to date
you or not. Examples of this can be seen in their online dating profiles.
Foreign
women profiles typically state, "I am looking for a
man who will accept me for who I am" or "I am looking for
someone to love me and care for me". And it?s not uncommon to receive a
message from a foreign lady that says "Thank you for viewing my
profile" or "Thank you for writing to me". I have never in my 20
years of internet dating received any messages like that from American women. I
don?t know about most men, but I myself prefer humble appreciative women over
unappreciative hard-to-please narcissistic women. And one wonders why the
divorce rate is only 20% with foreign ladies vs. 60% with American women. It
doesn?t take a rocket scientist to figure this out.
?
Another
interesting note is that being a basic "good guy? actually wins the
day with foreign ladies as opposed to in America, where it?s often the
?bad boy? player types who win the day because the average "good guy?
is too boring for many American women. Then after the player
types are done using them (as both Dr. Jean Twenge and Dr.
Laura Schlessinger talk about in their research) they are left
with emotional scars caused by being used, and cycling through so
many relationships. This makes them more unstable in future
relationships. What puts the mind in boggle overdrive is when these
same women then have the gall to proclaim, "Where have all the
good guys gone?"
Lastly, foreign women take
marriage seriously and will go to incredible lengths to stay with their
man, while on the other hand, as the American researchers have
proven, many American women will leave their man at the drop of a
hat, especially if the cash runs low. In fact, the research shows
that American women initiate divorce 67% of the time and studies
show that the reasons are not attributable to abuse, as feminists attempt to
misportray. The reasons given by most of the women are along the lines
of: "I want to spread my wings" or "I?ve outgrown
him" or "I don?t need him anymore" or "I don?t love him
anymore".
For marriage-minded men (especially those in their 30's and
older), it is necessary to step outside your comfort zone and think
outside the box and dip your toes into international dating waters
and find how easy and rewarding it can be. I?ll be very frank
in saying that just about all men I know who married a foreign woman are
still extremely happy many years on. On the other hand, almost all
the men I know who married an American woman are either divorced, or
if still married, unhappily so. Very few American men I know are
truly happy in their marriage and of course the research reflects
this. This explains why the USCIS quotes a divorce rate of 20% between American
men and foreign ladies compared to a 50-60% divorce rate between American
men and American women.
So go abroad guys. You don?t have to sign up with an agency to do
this. There are plenty of international dating sites on the net for meeting
foreign ladies. Airfares are cheaper than you might think. As any man who has
experienced dating foreign ladies will tell you, it?s the best thing they ever
did for themselves. The difference is like night and day. Good luck fellas!
Sincerely,
Steve Neese
Happier Abroad Research Specialist
Other Links by Steve Neese:
Dating
Profiles Comparison of American vs. Foreign Women
Interview
with Steve Neese by Steve Hoca
Interview with Steve
Neese by Mark Davis
Interview
with Steve Neese on A Foreign Affair Video Show
Website: Global
Dating Solution