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Research Section: Leading Experts and Studies Confirm the Claims of Happier Abroad


By Steve Neese




The purpose of this section is to provide expert opinion and studies that back up and support the material presented here at Happier Abroad.


As the Happier Abroad team member who was responsible for putting this research section together, I want to reiterate a view I hold that this website?s creator has already said before. ?Now, don't get me wrong, I love America, the principles it was found upon, and all that it stands for, as well as the great things it's done in the world. But the reality is that for me and many men, America has the WORST social and dating scene in the world?.


Lastly, I should make one thing very clear.  The parts of this research report that refer to the women in America ARE NOT meant as a reference to ALL American woman. Such an "all encompassing" statement would be fool hardy to make. The issues below in this research report speak of generalities only. These are generalities within the American culture itself with particular attention paid to what is happening within the women of America and the detrimental effects this is having on the American dating scene for American men. A perfect example of what I mean by this is that although Social psychologist  Jean Twenge states that the narcissism epidemic that America is currently suffering from seems to be predominantly occurring with American women, (she mentions this 3 different times in her book) she further clarifies this statement by stating that the narcissism epidemic is disproportionately attributed to those born after 1967. So this right there would preclude the idea that it's occurring with ALL woman (or men for that matter).



Steve Neese

Research Specialist and Promoter of Happier Abroad

Table of Contents


What Do The Experts Say?. 3

Introducing America?s Leading Experts. 3

Dr. Jean Twenge. 3

Dr. Laura Schlessinger 5

David G. Myers. 6

Lori Gottlieb. 6

Today?s American Women Have Unrealistic Expectations of Men. 8

American Women Have An Overly Large Sense of Entitlement 9

American Women Harbor Subconscious Disdain and Anger Towards Men. 11

American Women Are Taught Not to Need Men. 13

Many American Women Tend To Be Self-Centered. 13

Experts claim that many American woman today are relationship dysfunctional 15

American Women ? The Bad Boy Syndrome. 15

The toll that America?s sexually liberated ?hook up? culture takes on our women. 16

The effects of feminism on relationships. 17

Many American women let themselves go. 19

Feminism?s Portrayal of Men as Fools. 20

Men portrayed as foolish and childish, requiring women to take charge. 20

American Women?s Masculinity Scores Over Time. 21

Masculinity and Traditional Gender Roles Under Attack. 22

Women Should Appreciate Men?s Masculinity. 22

Materialism and Sense of Entitlement 23

?It?s Not Enough, I Want More!?. 23

Bridezillas. 25

America?s Individualist Ethos. 25

America?s Divorce Epidemic. 26

Feminism Increases Likelihood of Divorce. 26

Americans are Lonely and Depressed. 28

The Catastrophic Consequences of Narcissism.. 32

The Quest for Infamy and the Rise of Incivility. 32

?Isn?t it fun to get the respect that we?re going to deserve??. 33

?STFU!?. 33

America?s Youth ? A Gangsta-Worshipping Thug Culture. 34

?MySpace ? Screw You! But Thanks for the Add?. 34

Bullying and Incivility - America's National Character 34

America?s Absurdly High Cost of Living. 35

Overly High Expectations. 36

American Culture Breeds Rebellious Youth   - which carries over into adulthood. 36

The Narcissism Epidemic in American Culture. 37

?I?m Special, Look at Me!?. 37

?Hell Yeah, I?m Hot!?. 38

Cheating. 40

America is Exporting its Narcissism to Other Countries. 40

How the World Views America. 41

Cultural Differences in Narcissism.. 42

Why Americans tend to overinflate their ego/confidence/attitude. 42

In America, Materialism Trumps Spirituality. 43

Americans Live to ?Work and Consume?. 45

Road Rage is Mainly an ?American Thing?. 47

Our Culture is Based on Hype and Excess Consumption. 47

?I Deserve the Best at 18% APR?. 47

Uncle Sam Does It Too. 48

Irrational Exuberance of Generation Me. 48

America?s Hook Up Culture ? Hooking Up and Checking Out Emotionally. 49

America?s Narcissistic Culture and Its Impact on Relationships. 49

America?s Obesity Epidemic Leads the World. 51

In America, Single Men Far Outnumber Single Women. 51

Causes of the Narcissism Epidemic in American Culture. 51

Cause #1 - The Self Esteem Movement 51

Cause #2 - The Age of the Weak Parent 56

Americans Can?t Take Criticism.. 57

What the Future Holds. 57

Divorce. 58

The New America - Lack of Social Stigma over Divorce. 58

Expecting Perfection. 59

Selfishness. 59

Lack of Commitment 59

A Misunderstanding of ?Love?. 60

Americans Quit 60

American Women Initiate Divorce 66% of the Time! 61

"Because I've Outgrown Him". 61

"Because I Don't Need Him". 61

"Because I Will Win". 61

Divorce Is All the Rage for Females Over 40. 62

The ego epidemic: How more and more of us women have an inflated sense of our own fabulousness. 62

Great Internet Posts. 69

Dating Imbalances in the USA.. 71

The Male/Female Ratio of Online Dating. 71

Internet Dating in America Doesn?t Work for Men. 72

Seattle Times Article - Stay away, American Women, say British men. 72

Proof That Single Men Outnumber Single Women in America. 73

The Women Shortage. 75

More U.S. Marriages are Unhappy. 76

The "Mail-Order Bride" Industry and its Impact on U.S. Immigration. 76

Conclusion. 78



What Do The Experts Say?

Introducing America?s Leading Experts


Dr. Jean Twenge 

Her Website:


?????? Jean M. Twenge, Ph.D

?????????? San Diego State University



Dr. Jean Twenge is Associate Professor of Psychology at San Diego State University and the author of more than 40 scientific journal articles and book chapters. She received a BA in sociology and psychology, and an MA in social sciences from the University of Chicago in 1993 and a Ph.D. in personality psychology from the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, in 1998. She then completed a post doc in social psychology at Case Western Reserve University. She lives with her husband in San Diego, and enjoys swimming, reading, sitting in the sun, or reading and sitting in the sun - though usually not swimming while reading and sitting in the sun.

She has made numerous media appearances to discuss her research, including:

The Today Show
Dateline NBC
NPR's All Things Considered
CBS Radio's the Osgood File
KPBS radio
San Diego TV stations: KUSI, XETV, KNSD, KFMB, KGTV
USA Today
Time magazine
Washington Post
The Wall Street Journal

US news and world report

NBC Nightly News

Fox and friends


She is the Author of several nationally well known books:


Generation Me ? ?Why today?s young Americans are more confident, assertive, entitled - and more miserable than ever before.? ?In this provocative new book, headline making psychologist and social commentator Dr. Jean Twenge explores why the young people she calls ?Generation Me? ? those born in the 1970?s , 1980?s, and 1990?s ? are tolerant, confident, open minded, and ambitious but also cynical , depressed, lonely, and anxious.


The Narcissism Epidemic ? The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement

by Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell. Published in April 2009 by Free Press,
a division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.



On a reality TV show, a girl planning her Sweet Sixteen wants a major road blocked off so a marching band can precede her grand entrance on a red carpet. Five times as many Americans undergo plastic surgery and cosmetic procedures as ten years ago, and ordinary people hire fake paparazzi to follow them around to make them look famous. High school students physically attack classmates and post YouTube videos of the beatings to get attention. And for the past several years, Americans have been buying McMansions and expensive cars on credit they can't afford. 

Although these seem like a random collection of current trends, all are rooted in a single underlying shift in American culture: the relentless rise of narcissism, a very positive and inflated view of self. Narcissists believe they are better than others, lack emotionally warm and caring relationships, constantly seek attention, and treasure material wealth and physical appearance. In The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement, psychologists and professors Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell draw from empirical research and cultural analysis to expose the destructive spread of narcissism. Perhaps most important, they also discuss treatment ? what each of us can do to stop the epidemic of narcissism so corrosive to society.



Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Her Website :


Dr. Laura Schlessinger



As one of the most popular talk show hosts in radio history, Dr. Laura Schlessinger offers no-nonsense advice infused with a strong sense of ethics, accountability, and personal responsibility; she's been doing it successfully for more than 30 years, reaching approximately 9 million listeners weekly. She's a best selling author of eleven adult books and four children's books, which range from the provocative (New York Times chart topper The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands) to the poignant (children's book title Why Do You Love Me?) Dr. Laura holds a Ph.D. in physiology from Columbia University's College of Physicians and Surgeons, and received her post-doctoral certification in Marriage, Family, and Child Counseling from the University of Southern California. She was in private practice for 12 years. She's also been on the faculty of the Department of Biology at the University of Southern California, and the Graduate Psychology Department at Pepperdine University



David G. Myers

His Website:?


???? David G. Myers


DAVID G. MYERS is the John Dirk Werkman Professor of Psychology at Hope College and Author of The Pursuit of Happiness, The American Paradox: Spiritual Hunger in an Age of Plenty.

His scientific writings, supported by National Science Foundation grants and fellowships, have appeared in three dozen academic periodicals, including Science, the American Scientist, the American Psychologist, and Psychological Science.

David has digested psychological research for the public through articles in four dozen magazines, from Scientific American to Christian Century, and through seventeen books, including general interest books and textbooks.

His research and writings have been recognized by the Gordon Allport Prize, by an "honored scientist" award from the Federation of Associations in the Brain and Behavioral Sciences, by the Award for Distinguished Service on Behalf of Personality-Social Psychology, and by three honorary doctorates.

In recognition of his efforts to transform the way America provides assistive listening for people with hearing loss (see he received ?the 2011 American Academy of Audiology Presidential Award.?


Lori Gottlieb

Her Website:?


??????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Lori Gottlieb


Lori Gottlieb is the New York Times bestselling author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, a surprising look at modern love, marriage, and what really matters for true romantic happiness. A New York Times Editors' Choice selection, the book was an international bestseller and has been translated into fourteen languages.

Lori other books include the national bestseller, Stick Figure: A Diary of My Former Self, an American Library Association "Best Books" selection and Book-of-the-Month Club selection that was optioned for film by Martin Scorsese, who described it as "Holden Caulfield goes on a misguided diet"; Inside the Cult of Kibu: And Other Tales of the Millennial Gold Rush, an expos? of her experience as editor-in-chief of an online magazine with a mission to "empower" teen girls but whose culture devolved into "Heathers meets Lord of the Flies."; and I Love You, Nice to Meet You (co-written with Kevin Bleyer of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart) which comically explores the status of modern relationships from the male and female points of view. Or as they like to put it: ?Twice the perspective, half the insight.?

A contributing editor for The Atlantic, Lori has also written for such publications as The New York Times, Time, People, Elle, Glamour, Marie Claire, Redbook, Self, Parents, Slate, More, and Salon and has contributed commentaries and feature stories to NPR?s All Things Considered, This American Life, Weekend Edition, and Marketplace. Her work has been included in numerous anthologies including the National Jewish Book Award winner The Modern Jewish Girl's Guide to Guilt, The Secret Currency of Love, and The Best of Technology Writing. Lori has also co-created original pilots for Showtime, Oxygen, TBS and Nickelodeon, and was a staff writer on the NBC/Bravo series Significant Others, a sitcom about couples in therapy.

Lori has been featured on, among other programs, The Today Show, Good Morning America, The Early Show, CNN, Dr. Phil, Inside Edition, Entertainment Tonight, CNBC, Oprah Radio, and NPR's "Talk of the Nation." She is a parenting expert for Lifetime Moms and speaks frequently at events across the country on topics including parenting, relationships, teen girls, body image and media culture.







BLUE = Dr. Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell

MAROON = Dr. Laura Schlessinger

BROWN =? From ?The American Paradox? by David G Myers

PINK = ?Affluenza? by John DeGraaf, David Wann, and Thomas Naylor

RED = EXTREMELY critical points that support Happier Abroad?s notions?

Green = Lori Gottlieb

Black = My own comments mixed with quotes from Happier Abroad?


Today?s American Women Have Unrealistic Expectations of Men


 "Most of the women we interviewed insisted they were not looking for a prince charming -then, without missing a beat, they described an equally unattainable ideal". It?s ironic that we?ve developed such lofty expectations of our potential husbands at a time when nearly 50% of marriages still end in divorce. (Gen me pg 133)


*Ref the above in blue, none of Jean Twenge?s books made any statement or reference about men having unattainable ideals of women. I didn?t want anyone to think I cherry picked and conveniently left out a similar statement in her book about men. There simply was none.???




Interview with Lori Gottlieb -? A New York Times bestselling author




00:30 - 00:50 -  Lori talks about a survey that asked if you could get 80% of the traits you want in

???????????????????????? a mate, do you think you would be happy? The results? 93% of the woman said?

???????????????????????? "no, thats settling", while the majority of men enthusiastically said "yes, that is a

????????????????????????? catch". 


2:14 - 3:32        Lori tells woman that the reason why woman should settle for Mr good enough is

???????????????????????? the same reason why Men are already happy with Mrs Good enough.

                       ? The point being, woman seem to have this expectation of the "perfect" mate and

??????????????? ?????????are always thinking someone better will come along. Men on the other

                       ? hand are much better at realizing that such a perfect ideal in a mate isnt being

???????????????????????? realistic. She further talks about how the typical American woman has a

                       ? long list of demands that a man must pass but at the same time these woman

???????????????????????? think that none of their own shit stinks and fail to trealize that men will

                       ? have to compromise on their imperfections too. 


3:33 -  6:36       When men were asked about what qualities a woman would have to meet in

???????????????????????? order to earn a 2nd date, men named 3 things: 1)cute enough- but doesnt have to

                       ? be Angelina Jolie 2) warm and kind 3) Interesting to talk to. 

??????????????????????? Woman on the other hand named 300 things that would turn them off from going

??????????????????????? on a 2nd date and most were FRIVILOUS items. Lori says that her research

??????????????????????? found that part of the problem causing this pickiness with American woman is that

                         they have a perception that there are 1,000's of alternative men for them to

????????????????????? ???choose from. She also says woman are too picky about the things that dont

                       ? matter but not picky enough about the things that do matter. She states that her

???????????????????????? research concludes that men can differentiate between fantasy and reality better than woman can.


6:37 -  9:01       Lori looked at studies where Scientists conducted MRI studies of the brain with

???????????????????????? couples who were in love (i.e. the enfatuation of butterflies and the cloud

                       ? 9 type feeling) , they found that this only lasts for 1.50 yrs to 3 years max. After

???????????????????????? that, whats becomes important is the true chemistry of  "getting each

                       ? other", the sympatico, the friendship, the shared value. This may be why

???????????????????????? Arranged marriages have a far higher success rate than the "in love" type

                       ? marriages that the Western cultures depend on.




Too many women in America have an off the chart sense of entitlement, and seem to think that they deserve the best of the best in everything, as if they were some kind of royalty. No man likes that. It?s unfeminine and unsweet. And it puts unrealistic demands and expectations on the men. Add to this the fact that Hollywood brainwashes young women that they deserve rich and handsome young husbands with big cars and great careers and houses.


 American women want someone who looks a certain way, and who has certain ?social skills? such as dancing or clever conversation, someone who is interesting and exciting and seductive. Now go to any international dating site and look at what the girls say they want. It?s pretty simple, really. Over and over they state that they are happy to settle down FOREVER with a man who is willing to try to hold down a steady job and be a loving and understanding husband and father. Fact is, more often than not, this will get you NOWHERE with most American women! Many men opt for Women Overseas because most women would accept you for who you are, not what you do or what you make.???

With many American women, if the men don't fit a rigid and unrealistic criteria or she doesn't feel the man can take care of her enough, then she will drop him like a hot potato, regardless of his character or commitment to the relationship.

Read more on this unrealistic expectations of American woman:


The American divorce rate is through the roof in large part because American women?s unrealistic and hard to please expectations. Ask any marriage counselor.




American Women Have An Overly Large Sense of Entitlement


What horrifies me time and time again is the evil some wives perpetrate in the name of their ?feelings.? This is an extension of the entitlement issue. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 58)


I believe this entitlement problem stem from the unsatisfying way many American women are teaching themselves to live - which is, in essence, a self-centered way.

Women have become selfish and have a sense of entitlement that is out of proportion. She berates women for feeling as if the man should meet her needs without her making an equal effort to meet his. She points to women who are so busy with outside careers, volunteering, hobbies and children, that they neglect the one who should be number one in her life. Dr. Laura is a working woman, and does not condemn women for working, but she does insist that women must put their husbands above their work, and even above their children. (


In her book ?The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands?, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses the problems in the relationships between husbands and wives in America.


A large number of married men in America feel disrespected. They feel used. They feel deceived. They feel that yes, their feelings and needs are disregarded and society allows this disregard, even encourages it. They agree that American women feel they are entitled and don?t think they owe a man anything yet believe that men owe them the world on a platter. They complain that women make their demands and their men try to give and give and give until it gets to where it dawns on the man that he?s giving and giving and giving and getting only ingratitude in return. The man starts showing his unhappiness with the situation and that?s when things start to go downhill because as far as his wife is concerned he?s not entitled to have feelings. His sole purpose in life is to make sure she is content and happy. She can treat him however she wants. He has no right to complain about it. In her book Dr. Laura aims to open the eyes of American wives to help them see that they are the ones digging their own graves where their failing marriages are concerned. (Exactly our point here at Happier abroad!) She shows them how to own their power, not the power to control their husbands and make them miserable and in so doing make them easier targets for women who go after married men, but their power to keep their marriages strong, and keep their husbands and themselves happy and have the kind of marriage that they want.



This grandiose self-centeredness about the value of women, paired with a virtual disdain for men, leads women to treat men badly. Too many women look at men with a sense of entitlement versus an opportunity for selflessness. Why? All of those forces taken together have given women a false sense of superiority (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 54)


On my radio program, I hear from too many women who believe that they are somehow entitled to have all their needs, wants, desires, and whims met by life in general, and their men in particular, no matter what choices they?ve made and no matter how poorly they treat their men

(Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 103)


Unfortunately, (in America), love is usually looked at as a feeling that comes over you and makes you happy; and of course, if you?re happy, then you behave nicely. Somehow, the notion is out there that you?re entitled to behave badly if you don?t feel that ?loving feeling?. More than that, if you don?t get that loving feeling, you?re entitled to get it somehow, somewhere, with someone else who?s available. This sense of entitlement comes from a culture that has elevated feelings over obligation, responsibility, and commitment. ?I have a right to be happy, don?t I? is not an infrequent comment from callers frustrated that their marriages haven?t put them in a perpetual valium ?drip state. And this focus on happiness helps them to rationalize their virtual abandonment of marriage and family, replacing it with hobbies, drugs and alcohol, work, affairs, whining in therapy or with friends and family, or hostility directed at those who love them. This is not a minor issue. This is the point I bring to the attention of many women callers who, with unrealistic demands and outrageously negative behaviors, determine that the solution to the problems in their home is divorce. They are wrong if they think a new pair of pants will change their lives ? because the same skirt will be in the room! (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 4-5)

This last paragraph by Dr. Laura really hits the nail on the head! This paragraph by Dr. Laura explains why it is not an exaggeration to say that it can be somewhat dangerous to marry an American woman and why America has the world leading divorce rate. American women divorce too easily, and in fact, every study out there indicates that nearly? 70% of all divorces are initiated by women, and furthermore, studies show that it?s not due to abusive husbands either as so many women assume. (Link to this study is shown further on down) Of course, there are some good American women out there, it would be untrue and fool hardy to say there arn?t. But like Forest Gump says , ?its like a box of chocolates, you never know what you?re going to get.? Foreign women seem to better know what obligation and commitment is. Unfortunately, as these two researchers are pointing out, so few Americans do.

3rd party review of Lori Gottlieb?s book -? Chapter three of her book is titled How Feminism Fucked Up My Love Life. "Feminism as a social movement is a great thing," she says, "but unfortunately a lot of women grew up thinking the 'we can have it all' mentality was feminism." The way she sees it, this version of feminism has hurt women by inflating their egos and giving them a false sense of what they deserve. "Part of it comes from the media and the movies. Everything we see is always women telling each other how fabulous they are and that they deserve the best. (AKA: entitlement comlexes) It happens in real life, too. Your friend will say, 'Don't you think I can do better?' and we say, 'You go, girl; go for the best!' even though we know maybe this guy is the best she can get." And, she adds, neither are we honest with ourselves: "We think, 'Oh, I'm so unique and special' and in our romantic fantasies we think that some guy is going to see us for how uniquely special we are, when most of us are pretty ordinary." (Lori Gottlieb)



A quote from Lori Gottlieb?s book - ?A number of my single women friends admit (in hushed voices and after I swear I won?t use their real names here) that they?d readily settle now but wouldn?t have 10 years ago. They believe that part of the problem is that we grew up idealizing marriage?and that if we?d had a more realistic understanding of its cold, hard benefits, we might have done things differently. Instead, we grew up thinking that marriage meant feeling some kind of divine spark, and so we walked away from uninspiring relationships that might have made us happy in the context of a family. Our culture tells us to keep our eyes on the prize (while our mothers, who know better, tell us not to be so picky), and the theme of holding out for true love (whatever that is?look at the divorce rate) permeates our collective mentality.?


Again, we have a 3rd expert confirming that American woman are misled by the media and hollywood and romance novels that marriage is about some kind of valium state drip or a spark that once gone, (which always eventually happens in 99% of marriages) they will easily divorce because they feel like they are missing out on their so called ?soul mate experience?! Foreign woman are not brought up with this unrealistic fantasy notion of what a marriage is supposed to be about.?


American Women Harbor Subconscious Disdain and Anger Towards Men?


Before quoting the experts, I want to point to one bit of obvious common sense evidence that American woman, as a culture, are disdainful of men.? What I am referring to is the repeated use of the words ?creepy? or ?stalker? when referring to men. Just look at my dating profile comparison chart (foreign woman vs American woman)? and you can see these differences. You NEVER will see foreign woman refer to men in these terms but it is extremely common to hear American woman say these words about men.


When she started in radio in her 20s, she was attracted by the women's movement. "But I've been on the air for 29 years and now I say I'm a recovering feminist. Feminists are women who are angry, starting with fairness and employment. Every human being should have that, but the movement was co-opted by women who didn't love either? men or femininity. They rant about all this patriarchal nonsense. Women don't realize how angry they are.


(Source -;content)


When Laura Schlessinger says that men are ?simple,? she doesn?t mean they are stupid or limited. In fact, she decries the liberal, feminist agenda that seems dead set on insulting men. She feels that young women have been raised in a culture that is hostile to men (


To clarify, though, she says feminism ?isn?t all about hating men it?s largely about disdaining and dismissing them.?


Women want to be in love, get married, and live happily ever after. Yet disrespect for men and disregard for the value, feelings, and needs of husbands has fast become the standard for male-female relations in America. Those two attitudes clash in unfortunate ways to create struggle and strife in what could be a beautiful relationship.



Most of the women who complain that they are not getting what they want from their husbands should stop and look at how disrespectful and disdainful they are of them. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg xiv)??


Unless you?ve got a man with a frank mental or personality disorder (the exception not the rule), men admittedly are putty in the hands of a woman they love. Give him direct communication, respect, appreciation, food, and good loving, and he?ll do just about anything you wish ? foolish or not. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg xvii) ??


There isn?t a day that goes by when I don?t ask at least one woman caller on my radio program if she expects to stay married considering her hostile, dismissive, or undermining attitude and actions toward her husband. What is even more amazing is that insensitivity to their husband?s needs and feelings (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 1)


How is it that so many women are angry with men in general yet expect to have a happy life married to one of them? (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 53)

?? ????????

?My experiences in private practice (as a marriage and family Therapist), on air, and with the emails, faxes, and letters I?ve gotten from my listeners draw an alarmingly clear picture of, in my opinion, gender abuse. That abuse consists of an amazingly crass disdain of wives for husbands? feelings. And it causes husbands deep pain. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 66)


?It is astonishing to which female society denigrates a man?s sex drive, reducing him to merely a rutting animal with no deeper context. Male sexuality is another subject that seems to elicit hostility in many women. A stay at home mother, Jessica belongs to a number of groups, and the talk about sex is always anti male. She wrote that? the majority of the women are just tired and see their husbands as selfish for ?wanting some?. As I said in my chapter on communications, verbal exchange is but one means of communication. A lot is said by one spouse to another by the willingness to fulfill each other?s needs. Yet wives expect husbands to ignore their own neglected needs and hurt feelings and do for them whatever they want?..or else! Mike?s letter was one of the most touching I received. He began by saying: ? Dr. Laura, you have been openly supporting husbands. And that is contrary to the popular ?man bashing? that I usually have to endure. ? Mike describes himself as forty four years old, with three children. He is in his second marriage. When months pass without sex or affection, the message I get is that I am undesirable and have no value. If I were appreciated, I would be ?loved?. Caring and nurturing is what I need to feel healthy and happy. ? (Note - foreign women are notorious for how nurturing they are in comparison) I get so many letters like Mike?s, and it tears up my heart to read about the depth of hurt men feel from their wives sexually rejecting them. (Sexual Rejection - HUGE problem with American woman)This isn?t physical frustration, it?s real emotional hurt. Interestingly, one male listener wrote that when wives constantly belittle and neglect their husbands? sexuality, he believes these women are displaying the ?moral equivalent of infidelity.? Perhaps we should start looking at the act of intentionally depriving a spouse of his legitimate needs as infidelity, too, because it stems from being unfaithful to the intent of the marriage vows. Sex is a serious point of contention for many women. I can remember one female caller in particular who complained that her husband wasn?t understanding about how tired, burdened, and overwhelmed she was. He still wanted sex. I asked her what was wrong with that since most people expect monogamy in marriages not celibacy. That seemed to startle her, but only for a moment. She hit back with the challenge, ?should I be expected to have sex when I don?t want to just because he wants to?? I took a deep breath and answered , ?most of the time, yes.? She was horrified and likened my response to a call for some form of slavery. I reminded her that she expected him to go to work and earn money to support the family even on days he didn?t feel like it. I reminded her it?s called ?loving obligation.?? (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 126-134)



?The destructive anti-male subtext of the modern feminist agenda argues that catering to or deferring to a husband is a slave like submission to the male. In fact, after the Southern Baptist council published a statement on ?submission,? the media went crazy, railing against their so-called backward, oppressive notions about women. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 149)? This extreme paranoia and sensitivity to perceived male oppression is what makes many American women automatically assume that men who go overseas for marriage are looking for a wife to control or to have a submissive wife? who will do their bidding (there is that ?male oppression? thing again), when in reality we are just trying to escape the dysfunctional traits that many (*Not all) American women bring into relationships that ultimatley lead to our nations world leading divorce rate of? 50-60%, traits of which these experts are talking about.


Too many women have lost too many wonderful opportunities to have a happy and fulfilling life by buying into the destructive notion that a woman becomes more if she sees and treats men as less. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 163)



Lou Dobbs report - Women finally realize feminism has failed

New study by the wharton school at the Univeristy of pennsylvania that shows that starting in the 1970?s, woman?s happiness started a decline while men?s happiness stayed the same. Despite all the progress that woman have made since the birth of feminism, woman have become UNHAPPY after living with the consequences of feminism.?


?Feminism portrays women as either perpetual victims who can do no wrong, or as creatures with superior rights to men.



American Women Are Taught Not to Need Men


Gloria Steinem wrote that ?women need men like fish need bicycles?. Unfortunately, more than a generation of women have foolishly bought that destructive nonsense and have denigrated men, marriage, familial obligation, and motherhood ? all to their own detriment. Normal healthy women yearn to be in love, married, and raising children with the man of their dreams. However, when their own mothers, much less society, tell them that they don?t need men to be happy, or to raise children, and that their own children don?t even need a mother raising them (day care will do), it?s caused many women to lose the incentive and the ability to treat their personal lives with the love, dedication, sacrifice, compassion, and loyalty that will ultimately bring them happiness and a sense of purpose. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg xxii)?


The feminist double whammy of the elevation of women without men (and children without fathers) and the dismissal of men as unnecessary or even dangerous has certainly not contributed to the kind of positive disposition that women need in order to function well within a monogamous, heterosexual committed relationship. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 54)


Note that in the last sentence Dr. Laura is implying that feminism has made American women generally unable to function in a healthy manner in relationships. Secondly, the above paragraph states how feminism has taught American women to view men as dangerous. Yes, even Dr Laura affirms this as fact. This is so true and partially explains why American women are usually so unapproachable, defensive and paranoid, so they are not? easy to meet. Men do not feel comfortable or natural trying to meet them. Hence few guys have the guts to approach attractive females, not cause they lack courage, but because the females carry a vibe that they don?t want to be approached.




Many American Women Tend To Be Self-Centered


One male listener wrote to me of his frustration with a double standard that exists today. It was his perception that everything the woman feels or needs is legitimate and very important, while anything related to the man is unimportant and selfish. I think, as a generalizations go, he has a good point. Try visiting various female oriented internet chat rooms, and you?ll find cheering sections rallying behind women who trash their men, determined to leave them for trivial reasons (Once again, the experts are pointing to the tendency for American women to divorce their men. This spoiled sense of entitlement causes our women to create imaginary perceived transgressions)? (i.e. He?s not talkative enough, I just don?t feel complete, I?m bored , or He doesn?t want me talking to my mother every day) And while we?re talking about double standards, let?s not forget what happens in the bedroom. Women expect their men to ?understand? when they?re not interested in sex, but when the men don?t or can?t perform ? watch out!? What causes this double-standard mentality? In one big,? hyphenated word: Self-Centeredness. And what is the source of this self-centeredness? I believe it?s a result of the women?s movement, with its condemnation of just about everything male as evil, stupid, and oppressive, and the denigration of female and male roles in families. The result is women get married thinking largely about what their marriage and their man can do for them. And when there is so little emphasis on the giving, the nitpicking and pettiness chews up and spits out what could have been a good marriage. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 2-3)


Pop psyche and women?s magazines generally recommend that when a woman is ?fed up? with her life, it?s time for spas, solo vacations, more girlfriend time, plastic surgery, affairs, or divorce. This is all in search for ?getting one?s own needs met.? (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 162)


The stereotype of a woman insensitive to a man?s feelings is, unfortunately, well?earned. This problem for men is one of a severe magnitude. Many women treat their men?s feelings with disrespect and disregard. Women seem to imagine that that their husbands can, will, and ought to take a lot of abuse and keep on ticking (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 79 & 81)


Bill , a listener, wrote: ?Being married to a woman the opposite of my first wife, I am painfully aware of the significance of the proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.?

(Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 90)


This difference is what almost all previously divorced men say when they marry a foreign woman. These guys often say their foreign wife is just the opposite of their American ex-wife. Below are posts I found on the internet that points out such differences.


?They say foreign women are gold diggers, after you for the money. I have dated 2 foreign women, one for 3 years and my current fianc? for 6 years. Each one of them refused expensive gifts, my fianc? made me return her first engagement ring when she found out how much it cost and had me purchase a much smaller diamond. They don?t like to eat at expensive restaurants, preferring to cook and clean and help me in my business doing the hardest work to help me succeed. American women on the other hand want to compete with their girlfriends on the size of their diamonds, the type of carat and the size of the house, they don?t cook and want to spend your money all day long and still bitch about it.??


??I was in the Navy and I have seen the light. Women from other countries look better and treat you better too. I didn?t pay for shit when I was overseas but I pay up the wazoo in the states.?


?Foreign women are more family oriented which makes them more caring and nurturing?


?My Joy is quick to say ?I love you?, ?Thank you?, and show respect very frequently. This warms my heart and makes me more than willing to return my love as well. While my American X is more inclined to say ?what have you done for me lately?.


?Filipinas are hard wired differently than many American women who grow up spoiled and undisciplined. Filipinas don?t marry a guy because he is ?cute? or ?cut?. To them, marriage is about security, family, and faith.????


The issue of power struggles is at the core of many marital woes. The typical complaint from men: she nags and is never grateful or satisfied. The typical complaint from women: He?s insensitive, doesn?t meet my emotional needs , and won?t do anything around the house. And it goes around and around and around as he becomes more disgruntled and she becomes more frustrated. Both husband and wife are unhappy. Then they go to a therapist, but sadly, much of the psychotherapeutic profession is populated by folks with an agenda: Traditional values are out, men are the bad guys, and women are oppressed. Their cure is either to feminize the husband or suggest divorce. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 99)


I believe that women basically take men for granted and want to mold them into an image they have in their own minds of what a husband-their husband- should be. Many women expect their husbands to always bend to their whim and will. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 176)




Experts claim that many American woman today are relationship dysfunctional



American Women ? The Bad Boy Syndrome


In the paragraph below, Dr Laura is touching upon the ?Bad boy? syndrome of American woman which is caused by their dysfunctionality. This commonly known syndrome is about how American woman often prefer the jerks instead of the nice guys. In most other countries however, the reverse is true, Foreign? woman prefer the nice guys because foreign woman come from healthier cultures where woman are simply more emotionally stable and mature, and generally more well grounded than their American counterparts.? Foreign woman simply recognize that ?nice? guys make for a more healthy and stable relationship. There seems to be a differential in ?emotional maturity?. I have traveled the world and my own personal observation is that foreign woman are FAR more emotionally mature than most woman in America.?????


As a radio talk- show host/psychotherapist, I?ve got to tell you how remarkably true and sad it is that so many women struggle to hold on to some jerk, keep giving an abusive or Philandering man yet another chance, have unprotected sex with some guy while barely knowing his last name, agree to shack up and risk making babies with some opportunist or loser, all in a pathetic version of a pursuit for love, but will resent the hell out of treating a decent, hardworking, caring husband with the thoughtfulness, attention, respect, and affection he needs to be content. It boggles my mind. What further puts me in boggle overdrive is how seemingly oblivious and insensitive many women are to how destructive they are being to their men and consequently to their marriages. Women will call me to ask if its alright to go off on extended vacations ?without him? when they want freedom or R&R, or if its ok to cut him off from sex because they?re annoyed about something or just too tired from their busy day, or if they really have to make him a dinner when he gets home from work because its just too tedious to plan meals. (Doctor Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg xiv)??



See this yahoo news video that discusses this dysfunctional part of MANY American woman







See this french man accurately discussing this BAD BOY problem with American woman. I must say, coming from a non professional, he really understands the core psychological? issues at work here.




Click here?


1:09 ? 1:57????? American woman?s overblown sense of entitlement and explains why

???????????????????????? American woman grow up so plastic.

???????????????????????? Part 1:54 ??? 1:56 ?The best advice for most American woman


3:07 - ?? 4:06???? Explains why American woman tend to be so emotionally unstable and

???????????????????????? dysfunctional in relationships ? The nations divorce epidemic creates

???????????????????????? unavailable distant fathers which leads to American woman seeking the

???????????????????????? same type of man into adult hood which is why they desire the un

???????????????????????? obtainable ?bad boy? types instead of descent nice guys.?


4:07 -?? 4:31????? Explains why American woman tend to nag and complain when her bad boy isn?t giving

???????????????????????? her what she wants (duh) and then these American woman have the gull to ask ?where have all the

???????????????????????? good guys gone? or proclaim ?men are jerks?. The result is these woman walk away jaded due to

???????????????????????? their own dysfunctional bad choices in men. It messes up their psyche. This makes it harder for

???????????????????????? them to function in relationships in a healthy manner.??


4:47 -? 5:57?????? (I LOVE THIS PART!!) -Woman, listen up to the Frenchman! He gives a helpful common

????????????????????????? sense tip to American woman that will bring them more happiness and stability in their lives


Articles that prove that the Frenchman knows what he is talking about

?As you already know the relationship you had with your father shapes the relationships you will have with other males. If you grew up without a father or if he was emotionally unavailable you may find yourself getting involved with men who act just like your father. Although you risk getting hurt by being with a bad boy. You might be hoping that if you stick around long enough eventually he will give you the love you didn't get at home.?



Dr Laura talks about one of her callers that she says is typical of American woman these days:

??She discovered that she was becoming more naggy, hostile, and bitter, with a growing feeling that she was being cheated out of life. When her husband came home, she stopped going to the door with a hug and a kiss, stopped showing affection, stopped having sex, and even stopped the good-night kiss. Basically, she was blaming her husband for her unhappines, insiting that it was up to him to go out of his way to please her and pamper her to make up for how difficult her life was. Never mind how difficult his day was- which was only amplified by his wife?s angry discontent.? (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 121-122)?????


The toll that America?s sexually liberated ?hook up? culture takes on our women


This box below contains quotes by leading American experts describing how cycling through numerous sexual/hook up type of relationships (as we do here in America) can cause psychological damages to woman such as depression and anxiety to such an extent that American woman are likely to carry emotional baggage into their future relationships with men. This is why many American woman are so relationship dysfunctional with men. They carry an unhealthy and unstable psyche into the relationship.?






One reason the fangs may come out quickly is that many women who have cycled through too many intimate relationships, shack-ups, and marriages, have developed a well of pain and disappointment. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 51)


Another cultural-level manifestation of the narcissism epidemic in relationships is the trend toward ?hook ups,? aka ?friends with benefits,? and other commitment free relationships. These types of? sexual encounters are perfect for a narcissist who can get what he wants but then easily move on to the next partner, no strings attached. ?(The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 224)


The cycle of meeting someone, falling in love, and breaking up is a formula for anxiety and depression (Generation Me, pg 111)


It was clear to me that we?re turning a generation of kids who don?t know how to have a relationship (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 225)


Women now approach sex similarly to the way men do. Today?s young women are not afraid to pursue sexual pleasure and are very assertive in going after what they want (Generation Me, pg 162-164)





According to many experts such as Dr. Laura Schlessinger and Jean Twenge, this type of easy come and easy go casual sex hook up pattern in the US is most especially harmful to the psyche of the women. It leads to a lot of emotional baggage which they carry into their relationships with men. This often makes it difficult for them to have healthy relationships with a men. In most non Western cultures such as Latin America and Asia, there is no relationship cycling, and hooking up isn?t so prevalent as it is here.? Generally, when foreign girls date someone, its serious and long term towards marriage. In fact, its not uncommon that woman are still virgins into their 30?s in many foreign cultures (i.e especially the Philippines)? Emotional baggage is relatively absent with most foreign ladies because to put it quite frankly, they don?t sleep with so many men as they progress into their adult hood. (aka: hook up). Both Dr Laura and Dr Jean Twenge touch upon this fact.?


See this brief YouTube video that talks about this ?emotional baggage? issue.


U-TUBE video-------?





The effects of feminism on relationships


One caller to my radio program called in to complain about her ?demanding? husband. She works full time and is involved in all sorts of activities. It seems he was unhappy in his new marriage because his wife, my caller, was not spending time with him in or out of bed. She described an unbelievably hectic daily schedule, remarking that she just had too much on her plate to have time or energy or impulse to be intimate at all, much less physically intimate, with her new husband. I immediately suggested that she take a cosmic spoon and dump stuff off her plate to make room for her new marriage, for her husband, for their relationship. She immediately came back with, ?But shouldn?t he just be understanding?? I almost flipped! He should be understanding about being ignored, about being at the bottom of her priority list? I responded, ?why should he agree to be a boarder in his own home, with no effort at all from you for a personal relationship? Why should he be sanguine about that? Why should he be sympathetic to your choice to exclude him from your life??? Her answer, so telling, was ?Ohhhh. I didn?t see it that way at all.? I reiterated that she had to dump much of what she was voluntarily allowing to hog up her plate and make room for him, or he was going to dump her off his plate, and that I wouldn?t blame him much at all. These calls are not aberrant. They reflect typical attitudes of a preponderance of women in today?s America. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg xxi)??


Dr. Laura has just made a very critical point that warrants repeating here. ?These calls are not aberrant. They reflect typical attitudes of a preponderance of women in today?s America.? Hence, Dr. Laura is saying that these issues apply to not just a certain small segment of American women. It applies to the preponderance. According to Webster?s dictionary, predominance, majority, mass, bulk.


One of the most typical ways that a wife misuses power over her husband is by her angry disappointment. Michelle, a listener, expressed this so well: ?My husband and I have been married for ten years. When we first married I started to watch soap operas. I expected my husband to treat me like the lovers of the soap opera stars were treated ?without the cheating, of course. I blamed my husband for my unhappiness. If I was unhappy, I expected him to drop everything to make me happy. If he took me to dinner, I would feel neglected because he did not buy me flowers. My friends would readily agree with me that I was neglected and should not have to pick up his dirty socks off the floor. I was miserable and so? was he.?? (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 10)??????


The ugly part about the feminist movement is that it supports personal success, acquisition, accomplishment, power, and the feminist political agenda over love, marriage, and family.

(Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 10) (Relating to this quote - further below in this report under the divorce section we quote an expert report that states that woman who ascribe to feministic values have a higher rate of divorce than those who ascribe to more traditional values)


Dr. Laura?s vocally opposes both comprehensive sex education and abortion. Feminism, she argues, is endangering the sacred rite of motherhood, ?brainwashing women that money replaces husbands, fathers and marriage.?


In Dr. Laura?s mind, feminism is not only responsible for the deterioration of the family, but also for the disintegration of intimacy between men and women.


In a column titled ?How Low Can Women Go?? ?The ultimate baseness and immorality of a culture depends on what women will themselves do and tolerate from their men," she wrote. "Since the 1960s, the so-called liberation of women has proven itself to be a liberation from just about everything that could possibly be of value for a women and for the society she influences by her choice in a man and her commitment to raising the next generation of citizens.?



The usual way the liberally biased media handles the issue of overextended women is to further condemn men for not picking up the slack at home ? for letting their wives take on most of the burden of cleaning, cooking, and raising the children. First of all, it just isn?t true ?men do and always have helped out. Yes, I know the very phrase ?helped out? makes a lot of feminists furious, but that?s because they don?t see men and women as having different temperaments, needs, attitudes, physiology, or psychology; they see a unisex world. And yet that world exists only in their na?ve imaginations. In the real world of humans, women have a unique urge toward bonding and nesting and nurturing. Men have a unique urge toward protecting, providing, and conquering. That doesn?t mean men can?t nurture children or that women can?t climb mountains, but it does mean that beneath individual variations in constitution and temperament, women and men are different. Compatibility and harmony are best served when that difference is respected and, yes, even enjoyed, instead of denied or degraded. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 27)


If there is one basic assumption I believe that most married women make, it is that their husbands are to serve them, and that any demands husbands make are insensitive and selfish. When I tell women callers that they are obligated to their husbands for such-and-such, I generally get two reactions: The first is surprise, the second is anger over perceived oppression. Think about it for even one minute: How many women?s magazines talk about women?s obligations to their men and children? Not many. The typical article is about deserving freedom. These days, so many young women are products of divorces or never created homes, were neglected by career mothers, were indoctrinated by the anti-family feminists throughout their schooling, and are surrounded by a culture that glorifies selfish gratification over sacrifice, it?s no wonder so many women are ?surprised? to not only hear of their obligations to husbands and children, but are also amazed at the gratification derived from doing so. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 32)


The Universal complaint of men who emailed my web site with their opinions about ?The proper care and feeding of husbands?? was that their wives criticize, complain, nag, rarely compliment or express appreciation, are difficult to satisfy, and basically are not as nice to them as they?d be to a stranger ringing their doorbell at 3AM! These are not men who hate their wives or who were divorced; on the contrary, they are guys who love their wives and are trying to do whatever they can to please them. However they are miserable and lonely. I?m convinced that too many wives don?t know what to do or how to communicate if they?re not complaining, nagging, or criticizing. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 38 & 41)



Far from being oppressed in marriages, most wives are the oppressors. (Note: Dr. Laura says ?most?). I can hardly remember more than a handful of times while I was in private practice working with couples in troubled marriages that a wife would respond with openness, compassion, and sensitivity to her husband?s display of feelings. The typical response would be shock, anger, reproach, threats, and tears. That?s oppression folks. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 75)




Many American women let themselves go


Per Dr. Laura Schlessinger on American women:

?Shahina, a listener, wrote about her sad story of divorce after ten years of marriage. Her husband left her, complaining that they had so little time together (because she was over involved with her mommy and daddy) and he no longer found her attractive. It seems she had gained a tremendous amount of weight by eating too much and exercising too little. I can bet that the reaction of most woman upon reading that is to get their hackles up and proclaim her husband as shallow. Frankly, that hostile reaction itself demonstrates a shallow self centeredness. The impact on our bodies of natural aging, , illness, pregnancies, and so forth is a simple fact of life. The inability to accept these realities betrays immaturity or worse. At the same time, though, the unwillingness to accept responsibility for the upkeep of one's physical or emotional well-being should be met with consternation by a spouse because it is an assault on the marital covenant. And the disregard of the unique feelings and needs of one's spouse is a selfish insult. 

 "I would try to tell him that I would go on a diet and exercise to lose weight and become more attractive. I thought I would do these things for him so that he would find me attractive. I knew deep down that I did not want to do those things because I wanted him to love me and accept me just the way I was."

This is not an unusual sentiment for me to hear from woman, who express hostility that their husbands would like them to clean up, dress up, and tone up. They act like their husbands are selfish, sex crazed, superficial, insensitive barbarians, which isn't the case. The "if they  loved me, they wouldn't make a fuss about such things" point of view is simply irresponsible and destructive. As I said in my chapter on communication, verbal exchange is but one means of communication. A lot is said by one spouse to another by the willingness to fulfill each other's needs. Men have the emotional need to see their wives as desiring them, and the way the wives take care of and present themselves expresses that love.? (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 123-126)

Dr. Laura Nails it on this one. Foreign woman generally DO NOT let themselves go.




Feminism?s Portrayal of Men as Fools



A man wants to be affirmed in his authority as husband and father, not mothered like a child.


In my lifetime the popular image of the father has undergone a transformation from the dignified Robert Young in Fathers Knows Best to the bumbling fool Homer Simpson.


When you watch a Hollywood movie, carefully observe how the men are treated. They are portrayed like whimps or children that require that the women take control. One of many examples of hollywood movies that portray this weak whimpy feminized male is shown below:


Men portrayed as foolish and childish, requiring women to take charge??




(For a excellent discussion on this topic - see



A comical video on this subject

00:00 - 1:00 ??? ?comments on how American media portrays men as foolish, stupid, and feeble minded. He

????????????????????????? says no other country has this anti male orientation.

4:22-? 4:38??????? American commercials portraying men as bumbling fools is insanity




Then we hear from actor Dirk Benedict of the famed Battlestar Galactica series of the 80?s

Here is what original star Dirk benedict had to say about the differences between the 1980's TV show and now: See .

He relates the change to what he perceives as a general anti-masculinity agenda, saying "One thing is certain. In the new un-imagined, re-imagined world of Battlestar Galactica everything is female driven. The male characters, from Adama on down, are confused, weak, and wracked with indecision while the female characters are decisive, bold, angry as hell, puffing cigars (gasp) and not about to take it anymore."


Women in America pick up on this feminist inspired hollywood brainwashing and this carries over into how woman in our society view and treat men. It creates a very unhealthy dynamic for relationships as Dr. Laura talks about in her books.?


By and large, men tend to get a sense of approval from their success at work and from their wives? happiness. So talking to a grown man, the father of your children and the major financial supporter of your family, in that ?mother tone,? as though he were a very naughty or irresponsible child , is in direct opposition to his wanting to have a wife and family who are in awe of him for who he is and what he does for them. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 78)





American Women?s Masculinity Scores Over Time




When Dr. Twenge compared standardized testing of masculinity scores with testing done in the 50's compared to 2006 test scores, the 2006 test scores showed that,


?"50% of the women in my sample scored as "masculine" on the test, meaning that they had endorsed significantly more of the stereotypical masculine traits (like assertive) than the feminine items. When the test was written in 1973, only about 20% of the women scored that way. (Generation Me, Pg 12)


She further states: "The average 1990's college women reported more "masculine" traits than 80% of Boomer college women in the early 1970's. The change was so large that by the early 1990's men and women's scores on the scale of so called masculine traits were indistinguishable. The generational change in masculinity had turned the very definition of the scale on its head: clearly these traits were no longer masculine, but simply human" (Generation Me, pg 12)


The 1960?s might have been the sexual revolution, but apparently it was just the beginning. For her masters thesis with me, Brooke Wells gathered data on sexual behavior and attitudes from research reports on 269,649 young people collected over four decades - the most comprehensive study ever done of change over time in sexual behavior. Both men and women?s sexual behavior shifted with time, but the changes for women were the most striking. Women now approach sex similarly to the way men do. Today?s young women are not afraid to pursue sexual pleasure and are very assertive in going after what they want (Generation Me, pg 162-164)????


Research shows that girls who participate in sports are more likely to develop traits like independence and competitiveness (Generation Me, pg 193)


Studies have found that girls with working mothers are more likely to embrace traditionally masculine traits like ambition and independence.


In America today, very few women wear skirts and high heels, many have their voices become course and rough, their mannerisms more masculine. Unlike women in the rest of the world, they are no longer so soft, tender, sweet as they once were. They don?t giggle and blush when flirting like real girls do. Also, many American women are confrontational and even brutish. (Not all of course)? When upset, many will drop F bombs and flip people off. Many will angrily point and stick their finger in peoples face when scathing them. I?ve seen behavior like this on Donald Trump's "the apprentice". Or check out MTV's "Jersey Shore", or ?The bad girls club?. Perhaps Jersey Shore and the Bad Girls Club purposely pick aggressive and confrontational women for ratings purposes, but it still reflects the trend of women starting to behave as confrontational and aggressive. Bottom line is that as time has gone by, there has been less and less differences between the sexes. Both men and women are equally masculine. So this begs the question, "What is the difference between American men and many American women (of today) besides anatomy?" As it relates to the dating scene, it shows that if a man wants a truly "feminine" soft woman, as in a woman who is not equal in masculinity to them, more and more it is becoming necessary to look outside our borders.


NOTE- This does not make these particular American woman bad or less as human beings. Im simply pointing out the fact that generally speaking, woman in America have lost touch with their soft feminine side. Some men are fine with that and that is great if so. But many other men prefer more feminine, soft, sweet, and nurturing woman as partners.



Masculinity and Traditional Gender Roles Under Attack


It may be a surprise for many women to imagine that their husbands are in pain because of their behavior towards them. In all fairness, men do tend to be more stoic than women; they try to be strong and carry on no matter what. I do not fault that at all. That is a description of masculinity, one that has been under attack from a feminized culture that denies the importance of such inner strength and fortitude. Without those and other masculine characteristics, much of Western civilization would not have evolved. I do believe that it?s to no betterment of men and society that women temper and civilize these masculine characteristics; however, to deny the reality and value of masculine traits altogether is cruel towards boys and men, not to mention foolish, as it undermines the home and country (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 6) We all know that America is in decline. With feminism?s assault on the family unit, (as Dr. Laura was quoted as saying) when the family unit decays, morals and values go down the tubes as well. They are replaced with such negative characteristics like Narcissism. Dr.Jean Twenge identifies narcissism as being responsible for the financial crises and other negative trends we see around us today.????



Women Should Appreciate Men?s Masculinity


Dr. Laura relates a trip she made recently to a swimming pool. A mom and a dad were wading with their infant child. Mom held the child against her chest, cooed to him, and swooped him up and down. She passed the baby to dad. He turned the baby?s face outward and swooshed him forward and up into the air. ?Mom equals protection and nurturance. Dad equals autonomy and adventure. It is the perfect balance that helps produce a functional, secure human being.? Too many women, though, act like Alice Kramdens, constantly belitting their husbands, shooting down their aspirations, treating them like children. Dr. Laura writes: ?When a wife treats her man like he?s one of her children, when she puts him down or thwarts his need for autonomy, adventure, risk, competition, challenge, and conquest, she ends up with a sullen, uncooperative, unloving, hostile lump.?


Feminist educators and activists keep trying to squeeze men and women into niches that may simply not be a good match for their innate qualities as individuals as well as their unique masculine and feminine drives. It is more in the female nature to nest and nurture. It is more in the male to conquer and protect. Frankly, the more we ignore the true, inherent masculine and feminine qualities of people, the farther apart we pull them. Interestingly, a major study reported in April 2002 at an American Heart association forum concluded, after following patterns of heart disease and death among nearly four thousand participants for ten years, that men and women who defy traditional societal roles may suffer more health consequences, such as heart disease, than those who adhere to traditional roles. According to an ABC news report: ?The investigators did not find that high amounts of job stress, characterized as having high demands with little autonomy, was associated with an increased risk of heart disease. However, they did find that women who were in positions of high authority with high job demands suffered higher rates of heart disease than other women, although their male counterparts did not. Similarly, men who dubbed themselves primarily as house husbands ? about 10% of the participants- had an 82% higher ten year death rate than men who worked outside the home.?? Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 154)????????


What does it mean, in concrete terms,? to treat one?s husband with respect? To start with, a man likes and needs to be treated like he is ?the man.? That seems to be difficult for a lot of women to do, partly because they have been brought up with notions of ?unisexuality,? the sadly mistaken and destructive belief that men and women have no differences - and whatever men want or do that women don?t appreciate is stupid, wasteful, and self-indulgent. Well, the fact is, men and women are different physically, psychologically, motivationally, and temperamentally. Anyone who has had exposure to babies and children can tell you that boys and girls respond differently to the world right from the start. Give both a doll and the girl will cuddle it, while the boy will more likely use it as a projectile or weapon. Give them two dolls and the girl will have the dolls talking to each other, while the boy will have them engage in combat. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 160-161)???


One of the unfortunate consequences of the feminist movement is a lack of respect for the uniqueness and specialness of femininity and masculinity. (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 103)


The notion of ?fixed roles? is inflammatory and controversial. It shouldn?t be so. I?ve said it many times on my program that women have become denigrated by that part of the feminist movement that dismisses marriage, child rearing, and home-making as insignificant and insulting to women. As long as women disrespect what they have to offer as wives and mothers, they will continue to disrespect their men who serve as husbands and fathers. No one benefits. No one is happy

(Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 169-170)



Materialism and Sense of Entitlement


?It?s Not Enough, I Want More!?


Materialism is one of the most obvious examples of America?s narcissism epidemic. The new materialism has dragged in plenty of people who are not otherwise narcissistic by nature. Advertising slogans shamelessly promote materialistic entitlement as a virtue. McDonald?s tells Americans ?You deserve a break today?, Loreal hair color tells women to buy their product ?because I?m worth it? A series of coin purses for kids make good use of materialistic clich?s: One with a penguin says ?Cold hard cash,? and another with a dolphin proclaims, ?Swimming in cash.? The shark has no qualms in admitting he is ?money hungry?. And so are Americans. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 161-162)


Many people in the United States today are simply oblivious to others? needs, or worse, think that others? needs are just not as important as their own needs. This state of mind is called entitlement, the pervasive belief that one deserves special treatment, success, and more material things. Entitlement is one of the key components of narcissism, and one of the most damaging to others. When narcissists feel entitled to special treatment, someone else invariably gets the shaft. The trap of entitlement is that it can be great to think that you are number one, but it is not so great living with or working with others who also think they are number one. Keith recently got a call from a relative eager to relay a scene he was witnessing: an SUV parked in a no-parking zone, facing in the wrong direction, and blocking a stop sign. The SUV had a bumper sticker that said ?I love me?. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 230)


In a US Labor Department survey of corporate executives, many said that they outsourced jobs to other countries because foreign workers had a better attitude toward work. ?American employees?.need anger management and conflict resolution skills,? said US labor Secretary Elaine Chao. ?Too many young people bristle when a supervisor asks them to do something.? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 236)


College professors often comment that today?s students feel they deserve special treatment. In 2007, a Harvard professor noted that, 20 years ago, when students were sick and missed an exam?.they used to be apologetic and just grateful that I would even offer a makeup. These days I have kids who think its no big deal to miss a test due to personal conflict, and then they think they should decide when I give the makeup. Others students expect to get good grades just for paying tuition, even telling faculty members, ?You work for me.??? A survey of college students published in 2008 confirmed these perceptions. Two thirds of students believed their professor should give them special consideration if they explained they were trying hard (apparently missing the point that grades are given for performance, not just for trying). One third believed they deserved at least a B just for attending class. And ? perhaps most incredible- one third thought they should be able to reschedule their final exam if it interfered with their vacation plans.?

(The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 231-232)



Gen Me?s brand of self-importance also shows up as materialism. Generation me is likely to remain unsatisfied unless they earn heaps of money One survey found that 1990?s high school students were twice as likely as their 1970?s counterparts to say that ?having lots of money? was ?very important?.


This may explain the materialism I feel I see so much of in the dating scene. Most ladies at post minimum income requirements, usually 40K -50K on up!  Interestingly enough, American Foreign born ladies on American dating sites almost never list minimum incomes.


Obviously, money is important in many ways. The attraction of money is understandable in a time when the necessities of life cost so much more. For many couples, it takes two incomes to achieve t he financial stability that many of their parents achieved on one salary. What is less apparent is why this money is needed to buy material goods whose purpose is to tell the world ? and even to prove to yourself - that you are important and successful. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 163)???


In past decades, material standards were far below what they are now. Children then wanted a nice doll, not a $400 I pod. They were lucky if they got a birthday party at all, much less one with entertainment and lavish presents. Part of the difference then was the relative absence of advertising. There was no TV or radio constantly exposing us to the idea that everyone deserves a birthday party with presents better than salt and pepper shakers. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 170)


People whose primary motivations are financial are much more likely to be anxious and depressed than people who value strong relationships with others. (Generation Me, pg 132)

Partly helps explain why America is the most depressed and anxious country in the world


Materialism is the most obvious outcome of a straight forward, practical focus on the self: you want more things for yourself. You feel entitled to get the best in life; the best clothes, the best house, the best car. You're special, you deserve special things" (Generation Me, pg 100)

This perfectly describes what men face in the American dating scene today


Affluenza victims get stuck in the more mode, not knowing when or how to stop. Consuming becomes pathological because its importance grows larger and larger in direct proportion to our decreasing satisfaction. It?s the same in restaurants, fast food outlets, and movie theaters, where portions get bigger , and then get huge. Plates of food become platters, boxes of popcorn become buckets. Our stomachs expand to accommodate the larger portions, which we soon regard as normal. This is the plight of the affluenza addict: Even too much is not enough. (Affluenza, pg 111)






The way American culture glorifies weddings and getting married seems to ignore the self?sacrificing, committed relationships these celebrations should be showcasing. Instead they end up celebrating narcissism. As Rebecca Mead points out in ?One perfect day?: the selling of the American Wedding, ?the bridal magazines promote?..the idea that a bride deserves to be the center of attention for the entire period of her engagement?. For sixteen months, it is her privilege, her right-indeed, her obligation-to become preoccupied with herself, her appearance, her tastes, and her ability to showcase them to their best advantage.? The self-obsession of some brides has inspired a new word: Bridezilla. As Wikipedia put it in 2008, the term describes ?a difficult, unpleasant, perfectionist bride? who leaves aggravated family, friends and bridal vendors in her wake. A bridezilla obsessed with her wedding as her perfect day and will disregard the feelings of the family, bridesmaids, and even her groom in her quest for the perfect wedding.? Emily Yoffe asks , ?When did getting married become an exercise in acquired situational narcissism?? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 229)??


America?s Individualist Ethos


?The individualist ethos of America also explains a lot of negative trends that we see around us every day. A trip to the grocery store, as just one example, often involves aggressive drivers, sullen clerks, and screaming children. (Generation Me, pg 102)

Even this expert confirms just how anxious, stressed, and unhappy Americans seem to be.


Ask anyone who has extensive international travel experience, they will all tell you that people of poor 3rd world countries seem to be quite happy, even more so than us Americans. Their lives seem so much more fulfilled with a sense of inner peace that most Americans simply do not have. This has been my general impression thus far.  


In fact, consider this quote from Pierce Morgan of CNN who agrees with this fact. ?Yes, I think I've met more unhappy rich people than poor people and the reason I say that, I went to South Africa. I went to the Soweto Township. There are millions of people living in complete poverty, some of the happiest people I've ever met. Their spirits were just alive with happiness and I couldn't really understand it. I still don't really understand it but it was a fact, I saw it with my own eyes.?

(source- )  


Individualism and serving yourself are dead ends. The only way that you?ll ever feel good about yourself is by helping other people. Strong relationships and community keep us true to who we are and help us see what our lives are meant to be. (Generation Me, pg 240) Foreigners tend to have a stronger sense of community and seem to have closer relationships with others that are more deep and real and authentic compared to many Americans. Its also well known even among many Americans that foreigners have closer family ties also.This is why they make better relationship and marriage partners, they are more connected to others .


American culture is obsessed with getting across the message that we are all different and all unique. Why not emphasize instead what makes us all similar as human beings? That message promotes the good side of individualism: Tolerance of all people, regardless of race, sex, sexual orientation, or background. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 105)??


The value of uniqueness is taught very early in American culture. Uniqueness is often emphasized to children with phrases like, ?There is no one in the world quite like you.?? A preschool in Manhattan designated September as ?all about me month,? with the first week titled ?Focus on the individual.? The lesson plan for two year olds:? Today we will each ?study? ourselves in a mirror.? The goal was for each student to notice his or her individual attributes. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 186)?



If individualism does corrode family commitments, we should first expect to see that rising individualism correlates with family decline over the long run ?which it does. (The American Paradox, pg 182) This is so CRITICAL! The message is that choosing marriage partners who do not come from individualistic cultures will serve you best in the long run. Your odds of having a happy family are much higher with foreign woman. And of course this is reflected in the 20% divorce rate with foreign woman compared to the 50-60% divorce rate in America.



America?s Divorce Epidemic


America has the highest divorce rate in the entire world! Research shows why the US marriage model is a huge FAIL! See

Feminism Increases Likelihood of Divorce


There is evidence that women with traditional sex role attitudes are indeed less likely to divorce than those with feminists attitudes (The American Paradox, pg 45-46)


The feminist attitude is anti male, and all about not needing men, so naturally American women are far easier to divorce than foreign women who still have traditional values and have been raised in a culture where they have a innate need for men. I?m not implying American women are innately bad, I just don't think the current generation of woman, in general, has produced good family partners. Of course there are exceptions, and they are treasured - mostly women from small towns, or real ?christian girls? in my experience.



The 40-50% of marriages that do survive in America are much less happy today than before.

?University of Texas sociologist Norval Glenn, Yale social analyst Robert Lane, and University of Nebraska sociologists Stacy Rogers and Paul Amato have independently gleaned a disconcerting fact from national surveys. Compared with back when people married more readily and divorced less readily, those in today?s surviving marriages are slightly less likely to describe their marriage as ?very happy? and are more likely to report high levels of marital conflict. The divorce change therefore represents not just an increase in bad marriages ending but in marriages going bad. Today?s more divorce-accepting attitudes contribute to the decline of marital satisfaction, The belief that an unrewarding marriage should be jettisoned may lead some people to invest less time in their marriages and make fewer attempts to resolve marital disagreements. Thus greater freedom to leave unsatisfying marriages may ironically increase the likelihood of marriages becoming unsatisfying. Divorce acceptance feeds marital unhappiness which feeds divorce. Americans are much less likely today than a generation ago to marry and live happily ever after. More often than not, sad to say, our initial euphoria mutates into a cold, loveless truce or worse. We should challenge radical individualism?s view that marriage is a disposable relationship.? (The American Paradox, pg 45-46)

 ?In America, marriage is no longer idealized as self-sacrificial love or as an enduring commitment. Adults, regardless of marital status, continuously measure their marriage against perceived alternatives.? (The American Paradox, pg 183)

? If individualism corrodes family commitments, we should also expect to see greater individualism linked with weaker family bonds across cultures ? which we do. The United States is both the world?s most individualistic and most divorce prone nation. Britain is somewhat less individualistic, and it has barely half the divorce rate. Collectivists demand less romance and personal fulfillment in marriage, putting the relationship under less pressure. In one survey, ?keeping romance alive? was rated as important to a good marriage by 78% of American women and 29% of Japanese women. Individualists also select mates differently, asking, ?What does my heart say?? As it happens, what the heart says is a notoriously fragile foundation for long term marital success. The high of romance may be sustained for a few months, even a couple of years. But no high lasts forever. Those who marry for love report diminishing feelings of love if they had been married more than 5 years. By contrast, those in arranged marriages reported more love if they were not newlyweds.?(The American Paradox, pg 184)


?Individualists also feel more frustration with their marriages: they criticize their partners more severely and express less marital happiness.? (The American Paradox, pg 184) Again, this explains why it is riskier to marry someone from an individualistic culture such as America, and explains what contributes to our abysmal divorce rate which leads to broken families where more kids grow up in 1 parent households which leads to harmful consequences for these kids that lasts a lifetime.Broken homes also leads to harmful consequences for society too. (crime, juvenile delinquency, poorer academic performance etc)    


?Lower rates of divorce in previous decades might even suggest that they were better at relationships than we are. Maybe we love ourselves a little too much? (Generation Me, pg 90)


 ?There is an increasing demand for effective independent functioning without emotional reliance on others. If these trends continue, (as it looks like they are) the divorce rate in America will remain high.? (Generation Me, pg 93)  


?Now, (in America), most people consider it completely acceptable to divorce if you are unhappy? (Generation Me, pg 25) Foreign women don?t, and I?m sure that has a lot to do with the 20% divorce rate of American men and foreign women vs. 50-60% divorce rate in America

In the two quotes directly below, both Dr Jean Twenge and Dr Laura Schlessinger talk about how woman in America today expect to be in love all the time and often divorce when they feel they are no longer getting that ?lovin? feelin. As these experts both say, this idea of ?having to be in love? all the time or ?having to have that magical lovin feeling? to stay married is something most American woman have fallen victim too.



?TV and movie writers seem to be obsessed with the search for ?magic? relationships. Everyone wants a magic relationship that feels different and special. Ordinary relationships, apparently, are for undesirable people and previous eras. Unfortunately, in the real world, these magic relationships are about as stable as some atomic particles, disappearing faster than they can be measured.? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 229)

?Unfortunately, (in America), love is usually looked at as a feeling that comes over you and makes you happy; and of course, if you?re happy, then you behave nicely. Somehow, the notion is out there that you?re entitled to behave badly if you don?t feel that ?loving feeling?. More than that, if you don?t get that loving feeling, you?re entitled to get it somehow, somewhere, with someone else who?s available. (Exactly.This contributes to our world leading divorce rate!) This sense of entitlement comes from a culture that has elevated feelings over obligation, responsibility, and commitment. ?I have a right to be happy, don?t I? is not an infrequent comment from callers frustrated that their marriages haven?t put them in a perpetual valium ?drip state. And this focus on happiness helps them to rationalize their virtual abandonment of marriage and family, replacing it with hobbies, drugs and alcohol, work, affairs, whining in therapy or with friends and family, or hostility directed at those who love them. This is not a minor issue. This is the point I bring to the attention of many women callers who, with unrealistic demands and outrageously negative behaviors, determine that the solution to the problems in their home is divorce. They are wrong if they think a new pair of pants will change their lives ? because the same skirt will be in the room!? (Dr. Laura, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, pg 4-5)

Marriage is more about compatibility, and more importantly, about an obligation and a commitment to the institution of marriage, something which should be valued as greater than the self. This is an ideal that most foreign woman still value and most Americans, especially the woman, no longer believe in. Not to say that there aren?t situations where divorce is absolutely necessary, it?s just that in general, Americans take it far too lightly and usually make little to no effort to work on saving their marriages. Few Americans are willing to put in the hard work in an effort to make it work.When problems hit, Americans quit.


Conclusion: Marrying a woman who has not been brought up in a self focused individualistic cultural will naturally increase your odds of a successful and happier marriage.



Woman in America today expect to be in love all the time and often divorce when they feel they are no longer getting that lovin feelin. As Jean Twenge said in her quote above, this idea of ?having to be in love? or ?have that magical lovin feeling? to stay married is something most American woman have fallen victim too. Below is another article that talks about how the Western way of marrying for that initial ?infatuational? lovin feelin is an unreliable reason for marrying someone if that is the only thing that such a decision is based on. Marriage is mainly about compatibility, and more importantly, about an obligation and a commitment to the institution of marriage, something greater than the self. And most Americans don?t get that it requires work. When problems hit, Americans quit.


Secret Behind Success Of Arranged Marriages ?Americans can learn from this

?University of Virginia Assistant Professor of Sociology, Brad Wilcox, says, "Too many Americans nowadays have unrealistically romantic aspirations for their marriage, and those aspirations are quickly dashed a month or two, or even a day after the wedding takes place. Ok, maybe you don't need the designer gown. Having a successful marriage is about more than just the wedding fantasies. Kanubhai and Madhu Suthar have been happily married for 55 years and they say American traditions are backwards.



Source -

?More people in America are marrying for love?93 percent said it was the most important reason to tie the knot. Love is not something that used to factor into marriages; it's a relatively modern concept. You might say we're spoiled by even expecting it, and that it's entirely unrelated to a social "institution" that was really about property and taxes and making sure you had enough kids to work the farm or protect the homestead way back when?not to mention one of the only socially acceptable ways for women to have sex. But if you confessed to someone today that you'd married without "being in love," because you'd simply wanted to get married or have the financial foundation to start a family (or buy more shoes), or maybe because you just didn't want to spend Sundays alone anymore, they would look at you with a horror akin to what you might bestow upon a person admitting to murder?


Eat, Pray, Love' author tackles marriage - CNN Love is a very fragile thing to base a long term relationship on. I'll grant you that it's a necessary ingredient, but it's never ever enough all by itself.

Elizabeth Gilbert, bestselling author of Eat, Pray, Love, and most recently a book on marriage called Committed, mentioned what she discovered about stuying marriage in different cultures in a recent CNN interview:

If you look at the history of marriage, anytime you see a conservative culture of arranged marriage being replaced by a more liberal culture of romantic marriage ... you will see divorce rates start to rise immediately.

It turns out that love is a very fragile notion upon which to base a very important and complicated institution. I think most people throughout history would look at the way we choose our marriages today and just think, my God, these people took huge risks. They risk their future, financial stability, property and their heirs on something as fragile and delicate as romantic affection.

It's not that that necessarily means that I advocate a return to arranged marriage, it just helps put in perspective why contemporary western marital arrangements can become so chaotic.

?It sounds obvious now, but I didn?t fully appreciate back then that what makes for a good marriage isn?t necessarily what makes for a good romantic relationship. Once you?re married, it?s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it?s about whom you want to run a household with. Marriage isn?t a passion-fest; it?s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business. And I mean this in a good way.


Marriage ultimately isn?t about cosmic connection?it?s about how having a teammate, even if he?s not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all. (Lori Gottlieb)




Americans are Lonely and Depressed


America is one of the worst, if not the worst countries for social life, , dating, and mental health. All the mental health studies out there conclude that Americans have the highest rate of mental illness in the entire world. Going to a therapist or psychologist is mostly a US thing. It?s not common in the rest of the non western world.


It is a raw, statistical fact that America is a more infectious breeding ground for emotional dysfunction than any other culture in the history of the world. While bestowing her citizens with opportunities and privileges not found in any other nation, The US has become the supreme manufacturer of mental illness. We are a country of spiritual poverty.


The United States holds claim to the highest rate of mental illness, the highest rate of obesity, the highest rate of eating disorders (anorexia), the highest rate of childhood murders and suicides, the highest rate of adolescent drug use of any industrialized nation, , the highest? rate of? incarceration (8 to 10 times that of Europe)? as our capacity to produce criminals has outstripped our capacity to house them, the highest rate of adolescent pregnancy in the Western world, highest rate of divorce, fewer and more unhappier marriages. Lastly, the USA has raised 76% of the world?s serial killers even though we hold just 3% of the world?s population. Voila, the American paradox.??


Lastly, many visitors to the US remark that Americans as a whole do not look happy at all, despite being the richest nation on Earth, but instead look very grumpy, irritable, and fat.


Never has a culture experienced such physical comfort combined with such psychological misery. Never have we felt so free, or had our prisons so overstuffed. These are the best of times materially, but not the best of times for the human spirit. (The American Paradox, pg 138)


Another price tag on individualism is the increased risk of depression which is highest in individualistic countries. Our epidemic of depression is a creature of today?s ?maximal self? which has brought with it a diminished sense of community and loss of higher purpose. These together provide rich soil for depression to grow in. Having forgone commitments to things larger than self (God, country, family) where can we now turn for identity, for purpose, and for hope? (The American Paradox, pg 182)


Just look at my Dating Profiles Comparisons. The foreign girl profiles continuously talk of faith, God, and a focus on family. They have far better values and a greater sense of purpose. Then look at American women profiles and it?s mostly nothing but a selfish list of demands that oozes a hard to please attitude. The American women profiles also have a? focus on money, high minimum income requirements. Any mention of money or hidden key words about money is completely absent in foreign lady profiles. ?


Only 1% to 2% of Americans born before 1915 experienced a major depressive episode during their lifetimes, even though they lived through the Great Depression and two world wars. Today, the lifetime rate of major depression is ten times higher - between 15% and 20%. Some studies put the figure closer to 50%. Depression is very commonplace in America today. Almost every high school and college student knows someone who committed suicide or tried. Someone commits suicide every eighteen minutes in the United States. The number of people being treated for depression more than tripled in the 10 year period from 1987 to 1997. As part of my doctoral dissertation, I found that anxiety increased so much that he average college student in the 1990?s was more anxious than 85% of students in the 1950?s and 71% of students in the 1970?s. This study had another surprising finding: when you were born has more influence on your anxiety level than your individual family environment. (Generation Me, pg 105-107)??


Gen Me has so much more than previous generations- we are healthier. Advances in healthcare and safety mean more kids live longer and better lives. We enjoy countless modern conveniences, and are better educated. We have been remarkably free of traumatic historical events. Except for a few recessions here and there, economic prosperity has reigned. There have been no world wars. Gen Me has never been drafted. Shouldn?t we be happier now? Generation Me often lacks other basic human requirements: stable close relationships, and a sense of community. The United states has become a place where we have more but feel worse. (Generation Me, pg 136)


"Our growing tendency to put the self first leads to unparalleled freedom, but it also creates an enormous amount of pressure on us to stand alone. This is the downside of the focus on the self- when we are fiercely independent and self-sufficient, our disappointments loom large because we have nothing else to focus on. Our social contacts are slight compared to those enjoyed by earlier generations. For example, my friend Peter moved into an apartment on the North Side of Chicago after graduating from college. He did not seem happy when I visited him that fall. He had several Hellish stories about going out on dates through personal ads, including one woman who told him outright that he was not good looking enough. His friends from college were either still living near campus or had scattered to graduate schools around the country. In his apartment, he showed me the feature on his cable TV that allowed him to buy movies. ?This is what I do most weekends,? he said, with a sad smile on his face. He?s not the only one. More than four times as many Americans describe themselves as lonely now than in 1957. (Generation Me, pg 109-110)


Twice as many 15 to 24 yr olds are in one person households now compared to 1970, as are almost three times more 25 to 34 year olds. More than 1 out of 3 people aged 25 to 29 lives alone or with roommates. (Generation Me, pg 114)


This explains EVERYTHING I've experienced traveling abroad. Many Americans who have traveled to Latin America and Asia comment on how happy and content the people seem, even though they are poor and have very little, they are happy. They have close family networks and do not live by this "stand on your own" independent ethos that America so fervently believes in. Foreign families live together even into adulthood unlike in America that stigmatizes the idea of adult children living at home with family members. Most foreign cultures consider this as normal (i.e. Europe, Latin America, Asia). Only in Western nations is the ?living at home? thing stigmatized so much. Also, in America, in public, you are expected to mind your own business. Starbucks is a good example of this. People sit right down next to you without saying a word or even looking your way. In your personal life you are expected to be strong and independent, and to never get lonely. And you are taught not to talk to strangers, but to be paranoid of them, especially of male strangers who are subconsciously viewed as predators, which is why women in America are not receptive to being approached in public and will put off an unapproachable vibe. Women don?t have this fear of being approached by men in public places in most other non Western countries. It?s interesting to hear guys (like Winston) say that in foreign countries they were able to meet women on buses, trains, shopping malls and in stores. Meeting women this way is not possible in America, so maybe that?s why the ?bar scene? is so popular in the US. And even then, the girls dance with other girls and stay in a pack and grind their bodies against each other in a display that says ?we don?t need men?. And? when a guy does approach them, they harshly shoot them down because they get a huge ego boost out of it. As it is, it?s sad that meeting people in America is reduced to going to bars and clubs on Friday and Saturday nights hoping that you meet somebody.  


A lot of people in America spend a great deal of time living alone. Twice as many 15 to 24 yr olds lives in one person households now compared to 1970. More than 1 out of 3 Americans aged 24 to 29 lives alone or with a non familial roommate. Isolation and loneliness readily lead to anxiety and depression. A mountain of evidence links loneliness and being alone with negative mental health outcomes. I often feel that many of us are one breakup or one move away from depression - our roots are not deep enough, our support systems too shallow. (Generation Me, pg 115)   


When poor but close-knit Mexican families immigrate to individualistic America, their health and well being are generally resilient. But then as the years go by and they begin to assimilate, their risks for depression and ill health begin to rise. (The American Paradox, pg 159)


Seven large investigations, each following thousands of people over years of time, reveal that close relationships also contribute to health. People who are supported by close relationships with friends, family, or members of church, work, or other groups are less likely to? die prematurely than those with few social ties. In other studies, leukemia patients preparing to undergo bone marrow transplants had a 54% survival rate after two years if they felt strong support from family or friends, and 20% survival if not. ?Woe to the one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help? said the sage of Ecclesiastes. People who have people are not only the luckiest people alive , but also the happiest and healthiest. (The American Paradox, pg 193)


Traveling overseas you see how much happier than Americans foreigners are, even if extremely poor. They have a sense of community and connectedness that is missing in American social life. America is in reality a very nonsocial and segregated culture designed for business, not social connection or healthy relationships. This is evidenced by the fact that most lonely people in America report a far better social life when they go overseas to more open and passionate cultures. I can personally attest to this experience when I was in the Philippines and Peru. In my own international traveling experience, I was extremely surprised to learn that foreigners in Non Western countries have no concept of depression and anxiety. The response I sometimes got when I asked the girls if they knew anyone who suffered form anxiety or depression was ?What?s that?? Their societies are so healthily "connected" that they are shielded from such mental illnesses. Because we see America from the inside and most of us have limited international exposure, most of us cannot see this silent epidemic and just how socially sick we are. This golden quote says it all, "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." - Jiddu Krishnamurti


There is a kind of famine of warm interpersonal relations, of easy to reach neighbors, of solid family life in America today. (Generation Me, pg 110) She is right. In American culture, people live in a bubble, neighbors don't usually know each other, and every man is an island. There is an ice barrier between strangers that does not exist in most non western cultures. Only in America and Western cultures do you hear the term ?breaking the ice? . Anyone who has any experience with foreign cultures has commented on how close foreign families are, and how unclose American families are in comparison. Most Americans I know only see their families during the Holidays.


We?re psychologically malnourished from eating a junk food diet of instant messages, email, and phone calls rather than a healthy food of live, in person interaction. (Generation Me, pg 110)


Almost half of Gen Me have seen their parents divorce, or have never known their father at all. This has a clear link to the rise in depression. (Generation Me, pg 111)??


One of the strangest things about modern life in America today is the expectation that we will stand alone, negotiating breakups, moves, divorces, and all manner of heart beak that previous generations were careful to avoid. This may be the key to low rate of depression among older generations: despite all the deprivation and war they experienced, they could always count on each other. People had strong feelings of community; they knew the same people all their lives, and they married young and stayed married. It may have not been exciting, and it stymied the dreams of many, but it was a stable life that avoided the melancholy that is so common now. (Generation Me, pg 116)?


Narcissism is linked to this quest for material goods and a ?beat the Joneses? lifestyle. For narcissists, material goods such as a Rolex watch, a luxury car, and a huge kitchen with granite countertops are signals of status. It?s all too common for middle class people, convinced they must have 3,500 square foot home and granite counter tops, to use easy credit to achieve their material dreams. The standards for what material goods are deemed necessary for daily life seem to grow every year. Unfortunately, this type of materialism is eventually self-destructive; people who value being wealthy as an end in itself are less happy and more prone to depression. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 129-130)??


Tim Kasser, author of ?The High Price of Materialism?, has spent his career studying the consequences of valuing money and things. On average, materialistic people are less happy and more depressed. Even people who simply aspire to have more money suffer from poor mental health; they also report more physical health problems such as sore throats, back aches, and headaches and were more likely to abuse alcohol and use illegal drugs. Striving for financial success, apparently, makes people miserable. Part of the reason is that it is very hard to get ahead for more than a short while in the materialism game. The boost to narcissism that you Get from beating the Joneses lasts only until they get their own new BMW or home cinema. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 176)


In America, one is truly never ?accepted? the way they are, instead one has to ?constantly prove their worth? under never ending pressure which leads to fragmentation and disconnectedness in American culture. Of interesting note, according to studies, the country rated with the happiest people in the world is Nigeria, which is a poor country by materialistic standards. 


An overemphasis on uniqueness has negative consequences for individuals as well. Studies have found that teenagers who have a ?personal fable? of uniqueness believe that no one understands them. Teens with these beliefs are significantly more likely to be depressed and think about suicide. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 192) ??????


In the book ?Costs of Living?, Barry Schwartz describes a former student who said he thought twice about burdening friends with his life and his problems because he knew how consumed they were with their own, and what a sacrifice it would entail for them to spend the time required to listen to him and to help him out. I put a post it note on that page and wrote ?this is a very familiar story? (Generation Me, pg 115)??

The above paragraph supports Winston Wu?s Comparison Chart that says ?An ever growing number of people don't bother to make time for their friends or relatives??


And here is more proof of this lonliness and shallow friendships in American culture today ?? ?We may "friend" more people on Facebook but we have Fewer real friends ?the kind who would help us out in tough times, listen sympathetically no matter what, lend us money or give us a place to stay if we needed it, keep a secret if we shared one. That's the conclusion made by Matthew Brashears, a Cornell University sociologist who surveyed more than 2,000 adults from a national database and found that from 1985 to 2010, the number of truly close friends people cited has dropped -- even though we're socializing as much as ever.? (Source


In 1952, Americans sat together with their neighbors, laughing at Red Skelton. But by 1995, each member of a family often watched his or her own TV, as isolation and passivity became a way of life. What began as a quest for the good life in the suburbs degenerated into private consumption splurges that separated one neighbor from another, and one family member from another. We began to feel lost in our own neighborhoods. Many sociologists are concerned about the health implications of our neighborhoods. Suburban designs often turns a cold shoulder on the neighborhood clan, with garage doors that resemble drawbridges, privacy fences that become castle walls, and private mini-manors that encourage exclusive lifestyles. Physical features such as these affect the social and even physical health of suburban residents. (Affluenza, pg 64)


The Catastrophic Consequences of Narcissism


The effects of easy credit for status seeking and luxurious living spills into society, affecting others beyond the narcissistic status seeker. Narcissism is a disease that causes other people to suffer. The government bailouts of 2008 are a prime example of this. Banks and home buyers took narcissistic risks. , and when the system imploded, the American taxpayer was left holding the bag. The narcissism epidemic pushed people to spend beyond their means on depreciating assets and created a culture that accepted and even encouraged turning a fast buck selling risky, speculative financial products. Societal narcissism is the missing ingredient in understanding the financial meltdown. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 133-134)


Narcissism works on the pleasure principle- it looks great and gets what it wants, but it hurts other people and even the self in the long run. Easier and easier credit allowed them to live out grandiose, materialistic fantasies- until the bill came due. And its? still pretty easy to get a credit card- Keith?s daughters (both under age six) get credit card offers all the time. When babies can drool on their first credit cards, its time to worry. ?


??Illegal immigrants do jobs that Americans are unwilling to do. ? There is something really disturbing about this statement; it implies that certain jobs are beneath Americans, that Americans don?t want to get their hands dirty or their backs sore doing the work that keeps the country running. So they have to import people whom they consider beneath them to do it. Somehow many middle-and upper class Americans feel they are superior to people who do this kind of work. This is one of the twists of logic of the narcissism epidemic: apparently, being lazy and unwilling to work makes Americans better than the people who are willing to work. If this is true, it bodes very poorly for our nation. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 242-243)


The Quest for Infamy and the Rise of Incivility


Narcissism is a significant risk factor for aggressive and violent behavior. In our culture of self-admiration, it seems paradoxical that a narcissist ? who, after all, admires himself quite a bit ?would hurt someone else. Americans subscribe to the idea that if you like yourself, you will like other people and thus won?t be aggressive. However, narcissists are aggressive exactly because they love themselves so much and believe that their needs take precedence. They lack empathy for other people?s pain and often lash out when they feel they aren?t getting the respect they deserve-and they feel they deserve a lot, because they are, of course, better than everyone else. Consider the mass murderers in history, such as Hitler, Pol Pot, Saddam Hussein, or Stalin. Do they strike you as people with low self-esteem? No they were so confident in themselves and their beliefs that they killed millions of people. Their narcissism allowed them to disregard the most basic rights of others. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 196)


Narcissists are also aggressive when someone tries to restrict their freedom. ?Who are you to tell me what I can or can?t do.? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 196)



?Isn?t it fun to get the respect that we?re going to deserve??


Just as overall crime rates were beginning to sink in the mid 1990?s, a special type of violent crime was becoming more and more common; school shootings. Virtually unheard of prior to 1996, school shootings began occurring more and more frequently. Take the Columbine school shooting for example. In videotapes made before the April 1999 massacre at Columbine high school, shooters Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold debated which famous director would film their story. Harris makes several statements that are shockingly similar to items on the narcissistic Personality Inventory. ?Isn?t it fun to get the respect we?re going to deserve?? he asks while picking up a gun and making a shooting noise, similar to the NPI item ? I insist upon getting the respect that is due me.? He also said , ?I could convince them that I?m going to climb Mount Everest, or I have a twin brother growing out of my back. I can make you believe anything.? This is similar to the NPI item ?I can make anyone believe anything I want them to.? All these shooters clearly had problems that went beyond narcissism. For one thing, all were socially rejected by others. We set up a lab study that measured narcissism, manipulated social rejection, and then assessed aggression. The results ? participants who were both narcissistic and socially rejected by others were highly aggressive toward someone else ?similar to the pattern that appears in many mass shootings. As David Von Drehle put in Time magazine after the Virginia Tech slayings, ?It?s not about guns or culture. It?s narcissism. Only a narcissist could decide that his alienation should be underlined in the blood of strangers.? Given the upswing in the narcissistic values of American culture since the 90?s, it may be no coincidence that mass shootings became a national plague around this time. As American culture has grown more focused on self-admiration and more enamored with celebrity and fame, and now that mass killing in schools is seen as a direct avenue to fame and attention, the frequency of mass killings has increased dramatically. Fistfights that have gotten wide exposure have shown a similar pattern. After the Florida beating, a younger group of girls in N Carolina carried out what appeared to be a copy cat assault on another girl. Narcissism is linked to violent crime in certain contexts: when there is the possibility of gaining fame, and when there is an ego threat or rejection.

(The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 192)




Verbal aggression-people being cruel to one another with words- also seems to be on the upswing in the United States. One professor at a college in Ohio said ?I?ve experienced extreme rudeness from students recently. They get extremely upset and aggressive if I ask them to turn off their cell phones. And God forbid I ask them to stop text messaging during class-this results in an outright confrontation that has come close to requiring the presence of security.?? Incivility has become shamelessly common, nowhere more than on the internet. During one week in 2007, for example, a video of a six year old singing about her Iraq war soldier brother mostly attracted comments of ?Awww! So cute? Others found the need to say things like ?She?s homosexual? or ?Wow, she sucks.? One Escondido , CA man posted a video of his seven ?and nine year old sons? excited reaction to receiving a new video game system on You Tube. After a few days of the obligatory ?they?re so cute? comments, several posters called the kids fat and ugly. It only got worse from there and the father pulled the video off the site. Much of this is driven by the anonymity of the internet, yet these vitriolic comments display an unmistakable narcissism. There is an anger and verbal aggression against someone who dares to disagree. As explored in CH7, there?s plenty of antisocial language on Web pages even when people aren?t anonymous. Levi Johnston, who earned his 15 minutes of fame for being the father of former Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin?s grandchild, noted on his MySpace page, ?Ya fuck with me I?ll kick yr ass?. Many teenage boys make similar threats on their My Space pages. Of course this pales in comparison to cyber bullying in which teens use email, texting, or MySpace messages to insult and attack someone else. ?Fuck you bitch. Before I leave yo gay azz page lemme tell you dis? ima get you! I no where you skinny ass lives,? read one message received by a teen. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 201-203).



America?s Youth ? A Gangsta-Worshipping Thug Culture


Jennifer is a polite, soft spoken teen who is close to her parents and active in her church. But Jennifer?s My Space page paints a much different picture. ?Suck it slo, Ho!? reads the headline. In her bio, she warns ?all you bitches? not to bother her because she knows ?a lot if big ass [guys], ya?ll! Another female student, only 14, uses a picture of herself in a low-cut dress and several pictures of Victoria?s secret models, all set to a song called ?Give it up to me.? (The narcissism Epidemic? pg 107)


?MySpace ? Screw You! But Thanks for the Add?


The sexual aspects of My Space have drawn lots of attention, but the aggressive and anti social attitudes often expressed there are almost as shocking ? and just as consistent with a culture of narcissism. Of course plenty of My Spacers talk about how much they love their friends, but the ?Don?t screw with me? attitude is very common. One man?s username is ?salute me bitch? and another is ?$you just do you and imam do me$) One teen girl wrote , ?If you don?t lyk me for me, then fuck you, your NOT worth my time.? (Two sentences later she adds, paradoxically, ?I am easy to get along with.?) (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 115) This is so key. If you ask most American women if they think they are easy to get along with and most will tell you yes. But as we can see, these experts are telling us otherwise. And it?s obvious by just looking at their dating profiles, that most American women profiles consist of a list of demands full of financial code words about money and talk about how a man ?must know how to treat a lady?. ??


A sample my space page typical of high school girls, ? I love 2 chill with my friends and parTAYYY ON THE WEEKEND!...I love whip cream LOL I love having fun and just being stupid and wild! He he I luv 2 SHoP so Maybe one of you guys can take me shopping sometime!? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 114)


In Spring 2008, Jean?s graduate student Leah Bonds analyzed 200 MySpace pages of San Diego State University students. One said ?Fuck princess! im the queen.? Another featured 21 pictures of herself in various sultry poses. ?Yes im SMART, yes im FUN, yes im WILD! And yess I LOVE TO PARTY. U think you can dance better than me?.UR MISTAKEN!?? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 114)


Under ?Who I?d like to meet?, one said ?Someone who will take me to New York City? (because, of course, who you are doesn?t really matter- its just about what you?ll do for me). (The Narcissism Epidemic? pg 114)


This message is loud and clear in so many American women dating profiles. When will they understand that men enjoy women who treat them like a person, not a walking wallet!


The average teen now spends a full half hour a day listening to songs that describe degrading sex. i.e. ?Any Bitch! Wait til you see my dick. Imma beat that pussy up? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 225)?


All these messages are consistent with a growing culture of narcissism, with its rampant materialism, aggression toward others, vanity, shallow sexuality, and rabid desire for attention and fame. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 114)???????



Bullying and Incivility - America's National Character


The Culture of Bullying: Loss of Civility at School, Work, Politics 


In today?s America, incivility is on prominent display: in the schools, where bullying is pervasive; in the workplace, where an increasing number are more stressed out by coworkers than their jobs; on the roads, where road rage maims and kills; in politics, where strident intolerance takes the place of earnest dialogue; and on the web, where many check their inhibitions at the digital door,? says Pier M. Forni, author of ?The Civility Solution: What to Do When People are Rude? and director of The Civility Initiative at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore.

?How in the world can we stop bullying in schools, in the workplace, in politics, when it is so close to our national character right now?? asks Dr. Gary Namie, a psychologist and cofounder of the Workplace Bullying Institute, a Washington state?based nonprofit.

Facing the Consequences

Forni of Johns Hopkins? Civility Initiative says the onslaught of rude, bullying and uncivil behavior?intensified by the 24/7 reach of the Internet and social-networking sites such as Facebook?adds to the stress people are already feeling and can translate into real and very tragic consequences.

According to Forni:

  • Students who are bullied and/or cyber-bullied face increased risk for depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and suicidal attempts.
  • Studies have shown that protracted exposure to stress caused by living in an uncivil environment lowers morale and increases the chances of developing coronary heart disease and other illnesses
  • The American Psychological Association has estimated that workplace stress (considering absenteeism, loss of productivity, medical expenses and turnover) costs U.S. businesses about $300 billion a year

The enthusiastic claims of the self-esteem movement mostly range from fantasy to hogwash. The effects of self-esteem are small, limited, and not all good. Those with high self-esteem are more likely to be obnoxious, to interrupt, and to talk at people rather than with them (in contrast to the more shy, modest, self-effacing folks with low self-esteem). People with high self-esteem are also more likely to be bullies. Self-control is worth 10 times as much as self-esteem. (The American Paradox, pg 167)

This explains the bullying epidemic in America.



The Bullying problem is getting progressively worse in America and I see it as a sign of further cultural degeneracy in the country. When a society becomes more and more ego driven and narcissistic--what do you think the end result is going to be?


America?s Absurdly High Cost of Living


Looked at objectively, things really are harder now. It was once possible to support a family on one middle class or even working class income. No longer. These days, even the essentials are astronomically expensive: housing, health care, day care, and education costs have all far outstripped inflation. The rich have gotten richer and the poor ? or actually the middle class- has gotten poorer. The income of men ages 25 to 34 with full time jobs dropped 17% from 1971 to 2002. Most families have been able to stay afloat mostly because both adults are in the workforce. The two income trap, coauthored by a Harvard economist, provides a summary of the balance sheet. Fixed costs like housing, health insurance, and child care have doubled for the average family since the early 1970?s, while discretionary income has gone down. (Generation Me, pg 128)


We were raised to believe in ourselves , and to have a wildly optimistic outlook. Yet we enter adulthood at a time when just getting by is increasingly difficult. Many of us will weather this collision of youthful expectation and harsh adult reality by becoming anxious or depressed. (Generation Me, pg 242)


Overly High Expectations??


In this world where essentials like housing are so astronomically expensive, what messages has Gen Me been fed? Save your money? Feel lucky to have a house even if its not a mansion? Of course not. In the world of individualism and consumer longing, we?ve been taught to expect more. Perhaps because of media exposure, we want to be millionaires, to be famous, to live in a large house and drive fancy cars. It?s all we?ve seen on TV and movies since we were babies. Sure enough, research shows that the more television you watch, the more materialistic you are.

?In the 1999 movie fight club, the character Tyler Durden captures this perspective with searing accuracy. ?Our generation has had no great depression, no great war? he says. ?Our depression is our lives?.We were raised on television to believe that we?d all be millionaires, movie gods, rock stars, but we wont. And we?re starting to figure that out. And we?re very very, pissed off! (Generation Me, pg 129)


Characters on TV shows and in the movies rarely have boring jobs working for corporations, building houses, or working a cash register. Yet these are the jobs most young people will grow up to have. In between the shows, advertising constantly asks us if we are good enough, thin enough, rich enough. (Generation Me, pg 130)????


Even if we reach many of our goals, Gen Me?rs are likely to remain unsatisfied unless we earn heaps of money. In many ways, the higher expectations of Gen Me are rooted in our focus on the self. We focus so much on our individual wants, feeling empty inside, that depression is often the result. Gen me expects more at a time when its more difficult to attain the bare minimum. Movies are filled with people who have glamorous jobs, but its harder and harder just to get into a good college. TV shows are set in mansions, yet even a small house is outside the reach of most people. It?s like a cruel joke - we?ve been raised to expect riches, and can barely afford a condo and a crappy health care plan. (Generation Me, pg 134)?


The vast majority of Americans cannot, and never will be able to, afford much of what they see in magazines and on TV. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 173)


Swelling expectations lead to a constant effort to keep up with the latest products, to compete in the consumption arena. That in turn, forces us to work more, so we can afford the stuff. With so many things to use, and the need to work harder to obtain them, our lives grow more harried and pressured. The pressure to keep up with the Joneses leads many families into their debt and simmering conflicts over money matters that frequently result in divorce. As one pundit put it, ?If you win the rat race, you?re still a rat. And you may be a dead one!? (Affluenza, pg 27)



American Culture Breeds Rebellious Youth   - which carries over into adulthood


The more exposure kids get to American culture, the more likely they will rebel against the family first, group-oriented ethos of many cultures around the world (Generation Me, pg 8)

Foreigners often comment on how shocked they are to see how rebellious and spoiled American kids are, and how they don?t respect their parents or elders, and often talk back to the parents. American culture teaches kids to be this way. She further states,


"Generation me doesn?t just question authority - we disrespect it entirely."  (Generation Me, pg 28)


In the early 2000?s, elementary schools around the country reported an alarming rise in the number of kindergarteners who swore at or physically fought with teachers. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 204)

This is one of the dysfunctionalities of American culture!!!


Source -


?The French method to the madness of parenting has to do with straight-shooting discipline. Parents are not afraid to say "no" with direct and clear-cut meaning. Delayed gratification is also implicit to French child-rearing. Kids don't get what they want just because they ask for it, and certainly not when it comes to snacks. Only one snack a day at the exact same time is a mainstay of the country's parenting culture, according to the author. That kind of unwavering structure may turn out "calmer and more resilient" children.

Some of the admirable aspects of French-raised children, according to Druckerman's research:

  • They're better eaters. They don't throw tantrums in their high-chairs and they're less fussy about healthy food.
  • They're more polite with adults. Raised early on to say please, thank you and proper greetings, their social skills are embedded early on.
  • They're more likely to sleep through the night. Druckerman found evidence that French parents are less likely wake up every few hours or to attempt the "cry it out" practice.?





The Narcissism Epidemic in American Culture


?I?m Special, Look at Me!?


We didn?t have to look very hard to find it. It is everywhere. The United States is currently suffering from an epidemic of Narcissism. But most Americans don?t even realize it exists. Jean Twenge is so right! Men grow up in the states thinking that the way women are in America is just normal and pretty much the same as women are the world over. We don?t see anything amiss until we personally experience dating foreign women!? But once we are exposed to other non-western women, we see and feel this difference. It really wasn?t until I went to the Philippines that I REALLY realized just how narcissistic and self-centered many American women truly are. If not for my dating experiences overseas, I would have never seen these stark differences. Even the absolute hottest model quality women are receptive to being approached in these foreign countries! It will blow your mind!



They see bits and pieces - a celebrity here, a mass murder there - but not the entire structure. Vanity, self-promotion, materialism, and poor social behaviors are all linked. The increases in plastic surgery, credit card debt, video taped violence, crass materialism, and desire for fame are interconnected trends. (The Narcissism Epidemic? pg 278)


American society actively promotes living beyond your means. You want to appear to be richer, cooler, or more successful than you are. There are no payments for the first 12 months! The result is a country full of people in tremendous debt for goods that decrease in value the moment they are bought. This consumption binge has been accelerated by the cultural emphasis on self-promotion. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 300)


Somewhere along the line, American culture?s core ideas and values were modified to include the idea of self-admiration. American culture?s focus on self-admiration has caused a flight from reality to the land of grandiose fantasy. We have phony rich people (with interest only mortgages and piles of debt), phony beauty (with plastic surgery and cosmetic procedures), phony athletes (with performance enhancing drugs), phony celebrities (via reality TV and U tube), phony genius students (with grade inflation), a phony national economy (with 11 trillion of government debt), phony feelings of being special among children (with parenting and education focused on self-esteem), and phony friends (with the social networking explosion). All this fantasy may feel good, but unfortunately, reality always wins. The mortgage meltdown and the resulting financial crisis are just one demonstration of how inflated desires eventually crash to earth. In data from 37,000 college students, narcissistic personality traits rose just as fast as obesity from the 1980?s to the present, with the shift especially pronounced for women. The rise in narcissism is accelerating, with scores rising faster in the 2000?s than in previous decades. By 2006, 1 out of 4 college students agreed with the majority of the items on a standard measure of narcissistic traits. Even these shocking numbers are the tip of the iceberg; lurking underneath is the narcissistic culture that has drawn in many more. The narcissistic epidemic has spread to the culture as a whole, affecting both narcissistic and less self-centered people. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 1-4)


The upswing in narcissism appears to be accelerating: the increase between 2000 and 2006 was especially steep. The changes were especially large for women (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 31)?????? ?


Note the last two red underlined italicized statements in red just above. These statements say that the NARCISSISTIC changes were especially pronounced and large in women!?


Americans are being persuaded that becoming more vain, materialistic, and self-centered is actually a good thing. This can happen even if you?re not particularly narcissistic but just get drawn into what everyone else is doing. (The Narcissism Epidemic pg 38) To use an analogy, if one passenger on an airplane reclines his seat all the way back, the passenger behind him is forced to do the same and so on until every seat in the plane is back. In America today, more and more of the plane seats are tilted back, and more and more people are tempted to do the same themselves (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 55)???


?Tim Kasser, author of ?The High Price of Materialism?, has spent his career studying the consequences of valuing money and things. On average, materialistic people are less happy and more depressed. Even people who simply aspire to have more money suffer from poor mental health; they also report more physical health problems such as sore throats, back aches, and headaches and were more likely to abuse alcohol and use illegal drugs. Striving for financial success, apparently, makes people miserable. Part of the reason is that it is very hard to get ahead for more than a short while in the materialism game. The boost to narcissism that you get from beating the Joneses lasts only until they get their own new BMW or home cinema.? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 176) This helps explain an earlier discussed premise on how poorer people from non industrialized countries seem to be more cheerful and spiritually happier and fulfilled at a soulful level than most Westerners who come from more materially well off countries. As Jean Twenge previously stated, Americans, by comparison, come off as cranky, grumpy, stressed, and irritable and far less happy. Anyone who has traveled abroad and spent any time amongst the peoples of these other cultures (outside of the protected touristy areas) can readily recognize this difference.Of interesting note, according to studies, the country rated with the happiest people in the world is Nigeria, which is a poor country by materialistic standards. 



In fact, narcissism causes almost all of the things that Americans hoped high self-esteem would prevent, including aggression, materialism, lack of caring for others, and shallow values. In trying to build a society that celebrates high self-esteem, self-expression, and loving yourself, Americans have in advertently created more narcissists - and a culture that brings out the narcissistic behavior in all of us. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 9)??????


American culture has embraced the value of self-admiration with a big warm hug. In America today there are few values more fiercely held than the importance of self-admiration. (The Narcissism? Epidemic, pg 9)?


And we Americans wonder why we are not very popular with the rest of the world??


?Hell Yeah, I?m Hot!?


Americans? growing obsession with appearance is a clear symptom of a narcissistic culture in love with its own reflection. Narcissistic college students post sexier photos of themselves of Face book than humbler students. Narcissists are more likely to wear expensive, attention getting clothing. Female narcissists wear more makeup and show more cleavage Appearance enhancement is on the rise. Many more people are doing many more things in the name of looking hot. (i.e. tanning salons, botox, plastic surgery, boob jobs)? Television shows have made plastic surgery cool. MTV?s I want a famous face features young people who get plastic surgery to resemble their favorite celebrity. Here, vanity meets the quest for fame and celebrity, with a dose of self-admiration thrown in. One of the dark sides of the cultural emphasis on physical appearance is the increase in eating disorders. The combination of self?admiration with the social pressure to look physically attractive - both of which are present in the current cultural climate ? are a recipe for creating eating disorders. This is even more true of women. Men are not immune to new high standards for appearance. It?s now important for men to have a ?cut? chest with ?six-pack?. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 141-150)


Why the rise in the obsession with appearance? Much of today?s desire for physical beauty springs from the fountain of self?admiration. For narcissistic people, good looks are just another way of gaining attention, status, and popularity. Having perfectly white teeth, great hair, a new sports car, or an attractive girlfriend all serve the same psychological function, making others think you are cool, special, popular or important.? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 153)


Fifty years ago, finding a mate often depended on family contacts. Now most people live in urban areas and meet new people almost every day; physical appearance is the first, and sometimes the only, thing they see. Finding a mate depends not on family contacts but on looks. This is even more true of hookups, the short term sexual encounters now the norm among young people and that have all but replaced dating and boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 155)???


A Kohl?s department store ad features a band singing a song called ?Because I?m awesome?. As the clothes on the band members change every second or so in the ad, the singer declares ?I?m a leader? I?m a winner? and ?I don?t need you? and I beat you? cuz I?m awesome.? The rest of the song includes lyrics such as ?Gonna make lots of money? and bought a self-tan.? For those keeping score at home with the list of narcissistic traits: interest in leadership and power, check; competitiveness, check; saying one does not need other people, check; over-inflated view of self, check; materialism, check; and vanity, check. A psychologist couldn?t have written a more thoroughly narcissistic song. According to a YouTube poster who works at Kohl?s, ?This song is played once every hour? in the store. Its fans have taken the song?s message to heart. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 98)


In America, we evaluate others in terms of their worth, and compare ourselves to them. This creates a rivalry mentality that leads fellow human beings in our country to see each other as opponents or adversaries. In order for you win, someone else must lose. We have become a hyper competitive society. People are divided into winners and losers. The paragraphs to come further down below further discuss America?s hyper competitive society that divides people into winners and losers.??


Today?s unfettered celebration of wealth and the things money can buy has created an in your face ?I?m rich and you?re not? attitude that pigeonholes people as winners or losers, princes or paupers (Affluenza, pg 81)


GM is placing a big bet that the decade long trend toward larger and more aggressive looking sport utility vehicles will continue, according to the New York Times. ?It?s like a tank with fashion? says one teenager quoted by the times. The kid says he loves the Hummer because ?I like something where I can look down into another car and give that knowing smile that says ?I?m bigger than you?. It makes me feel powerful? (Affluenza, pg 27)


Americans tend to feel a need to flex their ego and confidence. Foreigners especially notice this about many Americans and find it unpleasant and intimidating. It?s like an immature power play. Ladislav, Chief Advisor of Happier Abroad, put it best when he said, ?In America, you need to blow your horn and act independent and arrogant to show you are somebody. Not here in Russia. Here you need to be humble. That is what they (Russians) like. Polite and friendly too.???


In the MTV reality show ?My Super Sweet 16?, which features rich teens planning their extravagant 16th birthday parties, each episode features almost every facet of narcissism: materialism, over competitiveness, appearance obsession, the quest for fame, manipulativeness. In one episode, the birthday girl says the following while her mother helps her with her dress:?


?Everyone?s going to be jealous of me when I wear this dress because I look so good.?? Her mother warns her, ?You?re acting so conceited now.? The teen replies ?I?ve got as reason, right??

A hip hop song she has clearly heard then plays ? a song that could be the theme song of narcissism: ?I?m so outstanding? I don?t care if they can?t stand me. I?m conceited. I got a reason.? In the next scene she ?auditions? young men to be her escort, asking each to ?lift up your shirt so we can see your abs.? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 99-100)





Corporate fraud was so rampant in the early 2000?s that congress took action by passing the Sarbanes-Oxley law, requiring that company CEO?s certify the accuracy of their revenue reporting. It isn?t just the big wigs who are cheating to get ahead. In 2007, a six year old submitted an essay to a contest that began, ?My daddy dies this year in Iraq.? The girl won four tickets to a Hannah Montana concert and a free makeover. The only problem was her father had never served in Iraq, much less dies there. The girl?s mother was matter-of-fact about the deception. ?We did the essay and that?s what we did to win,? she said. ?We did whatever we could do to win.? Recent scandals have also exposed cheating in sports. After years of baseball fans noticing that players sure were a lot bigger than they used to be, the massive amount of steroid use obvious to fans was finally exposed. Most of the great moments in baseball of the 1990?s and 2000?s it turned out, were accomplished through cheating. Marion Jones admitted t o using performance enhancing drugs before winning five medals in track events at the 2000 Olympics. Bicyclist Floyd Landis was stripped of his 2006 Tour de France title after testing positive for injected testosterone. A year later, five different competitors on the tour were found to be doping.


Cheating is also rampant, and growing, among students. In 1969, only 34% of high school students admitted to cheating. In 2002, that number reached 74%. A large 2008 survey of teens found that two-thirds admitted to cheating and nearly one-third had stolen something from a store. Nevertheless, 93% said they were satisfied with their personal ethics - a classically narcissistic disconnect between reality and self-concept. The cheating continues into college; a 2002 survey found that 80% of students at Texas A&M University admitted to cheating.


Narcissists see nothing wrong with cheating. It?s all about them, so who cares if a few rules are broken? Unfortunately, this is an illusion: Forget the rationalization that cheating ?doesn?t hurt anyone,? because it does. For every person who cheats on his income taxes, other Americans face cuts to government?funded services. Cheating students short change those who actually do the work, and short change themselves of learning in the long run. Shareholders lose their life savings when companies report imaginary earnings. Baseball players who play clean can?t keep up with those doped up on steroids, who got to break records and make millions, resulting in broken bodies for the cheaters and broken careers for those who followed the rules. Of course narcissists don?t think about this, because they don?t consider the effects of their actions on others.


Why are so many people cheating these days? Our hypercompetitive, individualistic, self-admiring culture is at least partially to blame. When a few people start doing it (often the narcissistic), it cascades until more and more people feel that if they don?t cheat there is no way they will ever win. People not otherwise prone to cheating come to do so because they don?t want to put themselves at a disadvantage. Like other types of narcissistic behavior, cheating raises the bar for everyone and draws more and more people into the vortex begun by just a few super-spreaders. In the early 2000?s, elementary schools around the country reported an alarming rise in the number of kindergartners who swore at or physically fought with teachers. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 204-207)


A corrosion of close relationships and a substitution of fantasy for reality ? paint a bleak image of the world. It (America) looks like an upside down bird?s nest: a hollow vessel with an empty interior and a rotting structure (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 277)



America is Exporting its Narcissism to Other Countries


The social scars left by Affluenza are being replicated throughout the entire world, as more and more cultures copy the American lifestyle. Each day television exposes millions of people in the developing world to the Western consumer lifestyle (without showing them its warts), and they are eager to participate. By pushing consumer values in developing countries, we are spreading the affluenza virus. (Affluenza, pg 87)


This reminds me of sex, it feels good and seems sexy, up until you find that you?ve caught VD! As far as I?m concerned, by spreading affluenza, the disease of unbridled consumerism, we Americans are giving the rest of the world VD of the soul and spirit !?????  


Like McDonalds and Coca Cola, American individualism is spreading to all corners of the globe. . If current trends continue in developing countries, ?Generation me? boomlets might soon be arriving around the world. (Generation Me, pg 7)


Self-admiration is not promoted so feverishly in other countries, however, the world is starting to follow America?s lead. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 17)?


The concept of self-esteem is so unrecognized in Taiwan that neither Taiwanese nor Mandarin Chinese has a word for it. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 17)?


As the most superficial part of American culture, narcissistic values are conveniently carried around the world in pop music, movies, television, and, increasingly, on the internet. These media sources smoothly glamorize the narcissistic ethos, showing its shiny surface of prosperity and self?glorification without the downsides of alienation and social break-down. When young people in Asia and elsewhere see cool American heroes beholden to no one, they may find it more difficult to accept the rigid, collectivistic rules of their more traditional societies. Narcissism is the fast food of the soul. It tastes great in the short term, has negative, even dire, consequences in the long run, and yet continues to have widespread appeal. So, will American-style narcissism spread around the world, like McDonalds that now sits in Tiananmen square in China? As narcissism has a means of transmission through the media and the internet, other cultures are increasingly becoming infected with narcissism, becoming hosts for the fast moving virus of egotism, materialism, celebrity worship, entitlement, and self-centeredness. A 2005 Business Week roundtable of experts from China and India noted that young people in these countries are increasingly more materialistic, independent, confident, and self-centered. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 262)


Through the Apostle Paul, God gave his early warning about the moral and spiritual crisis the world would face in the last days: ?Remember that there will be difficult times in the last days. People will be selfish , greedy, boastful, and conceited; they will be insulting , disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, and irreligious; they will be unkind, merciless, slanderous, violent, and fierce; they will hate the good; they will be treacherous, reckless, and swollen with pride; they will love pleasure rather than God.? The Apostle Paul enumerated in his letter to Timothy that the would?be attitudes of the people in the last days would reflect their moral and spiritual decline, and instructed that such people must be avoided. (2 Timothy 3:1-5)




How the World Views America


Due to global media coverage and the internet, when the world?s citizens see America, they see narcissism. This clearly isn?t all there is to America, but how would the rest of world know? Even in the United States, what we know of a region is often warped by TV. The face we present to the world is largely made up of gossip and trash. When citizens in other nations see how their children are drawn to these American cultural ideas, and how they turn their backs on their own culture and history, they are understandably not very happy. Think about it, this way: If you only saw American movies, TV shows, and websites, would you like us? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 267)?


Economic growth has given the average American a standard of living that is the world?s envy, and a social recession that is no one?s envy. (The American Paradox, pg 158)


Foreigners and intellectuals dislike or are critical of America, which our media never ever talks about. American media keeps telling us we are number one and how everyone loves us and is dying to come here. Our media tells us that everything outside of America is inferior, miserable, poor, oppressed, and dangerous. One foreigner put it this way, ?All places have their pros and cons, but I simply cannot live in a country that thinks it?s the greatest piece of land on the planet, has the biggest ego about it, and has the mass propaganda of the media to make every American believe that they are god's gift to the world, while not knowing anything about the remaining countries on the planet. The population is kept ignorant to anything else in the world. We all know most Americans are not very educated about anything that happens outside of their country. My biggest problem besides the ego, is the distinct lack of culture. Many Americans are childish and drama queens even at adult ages.?


Another foreigner put it best as follows: ?Americans generally live mind-numbing lives in mind-numbing environments (especially in suburban America) that do not cultivate intellectual or spiritual growth. Contrary to the US propaganda about itself, in reality the American lifestyle for the most part is MIND-NUMBING and ISOLATING. Cookie cutter houses, endless strip malls filled with the same stores (i.e blockbuster, McDonalds etc) Having to drive everywhere and spending every night watching television or DVD?s in big isolated houses. Weekends nothing to do but shop at the malls. I always felt half dead whenever I spent significant amounts of time in America. American culture is a ghetto culture that values flash over substance, superficial consumerism over spiritual growth. It?s a country that is built for doing business not living life. Americans have few real interests. So much for the American lifestyle. There aren?t many experiences or interactions to expand your mind and soul like there are in other countries.?


How can we meet intrinsic community needs when sprawl creates distances between people? How can we feel a sense of beauty, security, and balance if beautiful open spaces in our communities are being smothered by new shopping malls and rows of identical houses? (Affluenza, pg 119)


Shopping malls have really become the centers of many communities. Children as well as adults see a shopping center as just the natural destination to fill a bored life (Affluenza, pg 14-19)





Cultural Differences in Narcissism


In this section, note what Jean Twenge says about the Asians compared to Americans.


Americans score the highest on Narcissim tests


Asian cultures are more collective and discourage individualism and narcissism. Overall, more traditional cultures - those that value family, duty, and obligation ? are less narcissistic than more modern cultures like that of the US. In one dataset, Americans scored in the top 10-20% of nations on narcissism. In another study, Americans obtained higher narcissism scores than people from any other country. Our students might not be the brightest, or our poverty level the lowest, but Americans do just fine on narcissism tests! (Generation Me, pg 37)????


This difference is why foreign woman make better relationship and marirage partners, hence the 20% divorce rate when you marry a foreign woman compared to the 50-60% rate when marrying an American woman. You cannot expect a high marriage success rate with a population infected with narcissism. Remember that Jean Twenge repeatedly comments on how the rise in Narcissism was mainly with the woman. This is not just an opinion,but true fact as stated by one of America?s leading social psychologists who has conducted field work and research into this epedemic. 



In a recent study, 39% of American eighth graders were confident of their math skills, compared to only 6% of Korean eighth graders. The Koreans however, far exceeded the US students? actual performance on math tests. We?re not number one, but we?re number one in thinking we are number one. ?(The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 47)


Why Americans tend to overinflate their ego/confidence/attitude


The disproportionate American ego and attitude are too obvious to deny, especially when you compare them to foreigners. Americans tend to feel a need to flex their ego and confidence. Foreigners especially notice this about many Americans and find it unpleasant and intimidating. In fact, it's one reason why Americans think they are superior to the rest of the world, and come off as so arrogant about it.  When they are in abroad, they notice that their egos are larger than those of the foreigners, who by comparison are more modest and humble, and thus they subconsciously feel superior when amongst foreigners.

It?s like an immature power play.


Ladislav, Chief Advisor of Happier Abroad, put it best when he said, ?In America, you need to blow your horn and act independent and arrogant to show you are somebody. Not here in Russia. Here you need to be humble. That is what they (Russians) like Polite and friendly too.???


And we Americans wonder why we are not very popular with the rest of the world?? In fact, foreigners have a word that is specific to describing this fairly common American trait (aka: ego), and its called ?The ugly American?.? Wikipedia defines it as ?a term used to refer to perceptions of arrogant behavior by Americans abroad?. Many Americans think they are superior to the rest of the world, and come off as arrogant about it.



It is interesting to note, Asians as a group still score relatively low on measures of narcissism. Within the United States, Asian Americans score lower on narcissism than any other ethnic group. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 262)? Note to myself: Is this why I?ve always preferred dating Asian women for most of my life?


Witness the remarkable academic and vocational success of children of Asian boat people ? success attributed to close-knit, supportive, even demanding families and to the kids not yet being assimilated into American culture. (The American Paradox, pg 45-46)


In America, Materialism Trumps Spirituality




In 1976, 16% of American high school seniors said that ?having a lot of money? was ?extremely important.? This ballooned to 26% in 2006. High school students name ?getting a good paying job? as more important than being ?ethical and honorable?. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 162-163)


In 1967, 45% of college freshman said that ?becoming well off financially? was important; by 2006, that number increased to 75% . The Pew Research Center asked young people, what are your generation's most important goals? Eight in Ten said getting rich, while only 4% said becoming more spiritual. (Generation Me, pg 131)?


An incredible 93% of teenage girls say that shopping is their favorite activity. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 162-163).


A 2006 poll asked children in Britain to name ?the very best thing in the world? The most popular answer was ?being a celebrity?. ?Good looks? and ?being rich? rounded out the top three, making for a perfectly narcissistic triumvirate. ?God? came in last. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 93)


Economist Thomas Naylor taught corporate strategy courses at Duke University in the 1990?s. He commented on how he could sense an intense rise in materialism during this time. He asked each of his students to write a personal strategic plan. With few exceptions, what they wanted fell into three categories: money, power, and things - very big things, including vacation homes, expensive foreign automobiles, yachts and even airplanes? Their request to faculty was: Teach me how to be a ?money making machine?. Little else mattered, reported Naylor, including concerns for one?s family, spirituality, employees, or ethics and social responsibility. (The American Paradox, pg 127)


Americans excel at making a living but often fail at making a life. (The American Paradox, pg 138)


When our society constantly perpetuates consumption and material desires with hype, our general focus becomes on the outward rather than the inward. People are judged based on what they have, which creates their status. As a result, we lose touch with our inner selves, have no true self?confidence/self-esteem, and therefore have fragile egos dependent on outer things and material possessions. In the US, people see life in terms of making money, buying things, and superficialities. There is no spiritual or intellectual dimension in their lives, and no ?inner? life.


This YouTube interview by Bill Maher drives home this point



Unfortunately, our industrial life is dominated by the materialistic spirit of production [affluenza], giving little attention to the development of the human body, the human mind, or the spirit of life (Affluenza, pg 141)


The daily bombardment of advertising images leaves us forever dissatisfied with our own appearance and that of our real life partners. Advertising encourages us to meet nonmaterial needs through material ends. It tells us to buy their product because ?we?ll be loved, we?ll be accepted?. And also it tells us that we are not lovable and acceptable without buying their product. To be lovable and acceptable is to have the right image. Authenticity be dammed. (Affluenza, pg 157)


Such heavy consumer advertising in many foreign countries is mild or non-existent and in such countries as these, you will generally find authentic and humble people, not to mention happier people. It?s much easier to be happier in countries where there isn?t constant bombardment of advertisements telling you that you are less because you have less. ?


When people feel sad or depressed, what do they do? They go to the mall and shop and it makes them feel better, but only for a short time. There?s an addictive quality in consumerism. But it simply doesn?t work. They?ve got all these things and they still find this emptiness, this hollowness. They?re surrounded by all kinds of fun toys but the meaning is gone. Americans now spend nearly seven times as much time shopping as they do playing with their kids. (Affluenza, pg 39, 41)


The pressure that materialism is bringing to bear on the American family today is woefully underestimated. (Affluenza, pg 51)?


America is relatively rich. Even Americans that are not doing that well are relatively rich, but America is very short of social tranquility. (Affluenza, pg 52)


The more Americans fill their lives with things, the more they tell psychiatrists, pastors, friends, and family members that they feel empty inside. The more toys our kids have to play with, the more they complain of boredom. (Affluenza, pg 74)


What the bored person really craves is an authentic meaningful life. American advertising suggests that such a life comes in products or packaged commercial experiences.? (Affluenza, pg 74)


When mother Theresa came to the United States to receive an honorary degree, she said ?This is the poorest place I?ve ever been in my life,? recounts Robert Seiple, the former director of World Vision, a Christian charity organization. ?She wasn?t talking about economics?, he adds. ?She was talking about poverty of the soul?. (Affluenza, pg 74)


This all reminds me of what the bible warns us about. Many of us are probably familiar with the verse ?What profit would it bring a person were that person to gain the whole world, but lose his soul?? (Matthew 16:26)


See my dating profiles samples comparison section that shows how spiritual and soulful foreigners are. ?GOD?, family, and soulfulness come first with foreign women. Filipina profiles are a perfect example. They almost always mention God in their profiles and messages. Words such as ?God fearing, and God bless? and ?God willing? are very common.


More than ever we have big houses and broken homes, high incomes and low morale, secured rights and diminished civility. We excel at making a living but often fail at making a life. We celebrate our prosperity but yearn for purpose. We cherish our freedom but long for connection. In the age of plenty, we feel a spiritual hunger. (Affluenza, pg 114)


Like many travelers who return from time spent with so called underdeveloped or primitive cultures, Johnson had trouble returning to the fast-paced, possession laden life in the United States. Culture shocked, he walked through a supermarket aisle that was entirely filled with cake mixes and wondered, ?Where?s the affluence? Is this really progress?? Life in Los Angeles seemed surreal when he first returned. His children complained regularly of boredom despite a plethora of toys and activities. People he met seemed constantly busy but unsatisfied with their lives, working and consuming frantically as if to fill some kind of hole or emptiness. (Affluenza, pg 130)


But perhaps the strongest rebuke of affluenza came from Jesus himself. He continually warned of the dangers of wealth, declaring it a major impediment to entry to the kingdom of heaven. Jesus and his disciples preached that ?the love of money is the root of all evil?.


Christian theologian Calvin DeWitt says our modern consumer philosophy turns scriptural teachings on their head: ?Consume more, then you?ll be happy. That?s the message we hear. But the Biblical teaching is to be content with what you have, honor God, and give your bread to the hungry. Then joy comes as a byproduct of service. If you take those teachings and just write their antithesis, you find yourself describing our current American consumer society. (Affluenza, pg 131-132)


A news article talking about the decline in America?s values

?If every American carries these values, then change would require a different people, a different country. In dialectical fashion, it is precisely those factors that made this nation materially great that are now working against us, and that thus need to be jettisoned.? (





Americans Live to ?Work and Consume??


Americans work 50% more than Germans, French, and Italians. Many Americans are experiencing burnout due to overwork and increased stress. Americans work, on average, considerably more hours per week than in any other industrialized nation. Europeans tend to be more concerned with enjoying and living life to the fullest, while Americans are busy following the ?American Dream? and traveling a road toward financial success. According to a new study by Harvard and McGill University researchers, The United States is not as workplace family-oriented as many other wealthy countries. The United States lags far behind nearly all wealthy countries when it comes to family-oriented workplace policies such as maternity leave and paid sick days. There are many negative quality of life consequences as a result of this. For example, 70 percent of Americans do not get the recommended seven to eight hours of sleep each night. Sleep deprivation can have a profound impact on a person?s general health as well as his or her mood, energy level, job performance and overall productivity. Sleep deprivation leads to depression, high blood pressure, anxiety, malaise or apathy, weight gain, headaches, decreased brain function. Studies reveal a link between sleep loss and obesity.


Then there?s vacation time. In the 15 nations of the European Union, by law all full-time employees must be given a minimum of four weeks? paid vacation per year; the same is true for part-time employees who have worked for at least 13 weeks. The notion of ?accruing? vacation time doesn?t apply; you are generally entitled to your four (or more) weeks of vacation from the moment you?re hired. And these vacation days are in addition to statutory holidays scattered throughout the year. There?s also an important psychological difference: in the U.S., vacation time is permitted but not usually encouraged?it?s treated as an inconvenience to the employer. In Europe, by contrast, it?s simply part of the culture; it?s what people are supposed to do. The effects this obsession for work has on our physical and mental health are disastrous. Yet the American media still wants to tell everybody how great of a place it is America


See CNN's report on this Uniquely American problem

"There is simply no evidence that working people to death gives you a competitive advantage," the United States came in fourth in the World Economic Forum's 2010-2011 rankings of the most competitive economies, but Sweden -- a country that by law offers workers five weeks of paid vacation -- came in second.


See how America falls in absolute DEAD LAST for time off

That makes the U.S. the only advanced nation in the world that doesn't guarantee its workers annual leave, according to a report titled "No-Vacation Nation" by the Center for Economic and Policy Research, a liberal policy group.


Days off per year ? listed by country

Finland: 44
Italy: 42
France: 39
Germany: 35
UK: 25
Japan: 18
USA: 12



According to the international Labor Organization, in October 1999 the United States passed Japan as the modern industrial country with the longest working hours. (Affluenza, pg 14-19)


Today, EU productivity stands at 91% of ours, and several European economies are more productive per worker than we are. Europeans have a lot less stuff than we do. The Europeans traded a good part of their productivity gains for time instead of money. So instead of working more than we do, they now work much less-nearly nine weeks per year. As a result , they live longer and are healthier, despite spending far less per capita on health care. In fact, the United States ranks dead last in health among industrial nations, and we are now expected to spend 19% of our total GDP on health care by the year 2014. (Affluenza, pg 44)?


The longer hours we work, the more stressful our home lives become, and the greater our tensions at home. (Affluenza, pg 50)


For a thousand years or more, the Spanish had enhanced their quality of life with a luxurious midday break that doesn?t cost a single peseta. Yet in the eyes of commerce, siestas are a complete waste of time. What the world needs is more production, more consumption, less relaxation, and more money. (Affluenza, pg 123)


Since the Second World War, Americans have been offered what economist Juliet Schor calls ?a remarkable choice?. As our productivity more than doubled, we could have chosen to work half as much-or even less- and still produce the same material lifestyle we found affluent in the 50?s. Instead, we put all our apples into making? and consuming more. Our friends in Europe made a different choice. They took a big part of their gains in labor productivity in the form of time. As a result, general happiness in Europe continues to increase while in the United States it stagnated after the 1950?s. At the same time, general health in every European country is better than that in the United States.


Canada manages to cover all its citizens at a total cost per person that is far less than what we spend in the United States. And despite criticisms of the Canadian system by American politicians, Canadians are healthier and live longer than Americans.


Beating the affluenza bug will also lead to less stress, more leisure time, better health, and longer lives. It will offer more time for family, friends, and community, and a more meaningful way of life. (Affluenza, pg 224, 228, 233).


Road Rage is Mainly an ?American Thing?


The causes of road rage are many and varied but some of the main factors which have been identified are stress, fatigue and frustration. According to a study by the American Automobile Association, this decade has already seen more than 200 people killed and almost 13,000 injured as the result of a road rage incident in the United States. Tailgating, giving the finger, outright violence--Americans grow more likely to take out their frustrations on other drivers. "Aggressive driving is now the most common way of driving," says Sandra Ball-Rokeach, who co-directs the Media and Injury Prevention Program at the University of Southern California. "It's not just a few crazies--it's a subculture of driving." Residents of late 20th century America are arguably the luckiest human beings in history: the most technologically pampered, the richest, the freest things on two legs the world has ever seen. Then why do we drive like such jerks? The most common excuse: "I'm late. So many miles, so little time." In the most comprehensive national survey on driving behavior so far, a Michigan firm, EPIC-MRA, found that an astounding 80% of drivers are angry most or all of the time while driving. Ed Sarpolus, the head researcher for the Michigan study of driving behavior, was struck by the gender breakdown of aggressive drivers: 53% of them are women. In China the constant weaving, cut offs, and honking does not even result in a mild annoyance of other drivers, it?s simply par for the course. I remember a Columbian friend of mine telling me about Columbian drivers stating (half tongue in cheek) ?They weave in and out, cut people off, and honk their horns and nobody shoots each other? it?s magic.? (source -


Our Culture is Based on Hype and Excess Consumption



In reality there are few redeeming qualities to living in America other than making money and consuming. Besides that, the rest is mostly fake and artificial. Foreigners who visit America will readily agree with this, but of course in the world of the US media, it doesn?t exist.??



See this NEWS Article about this very issue


??You know, the air is really ?thin? in the United States, because the value-system is one-dimensional. It?s basically about economic and technological expansion, not much else; the ?else? exists at the margins, if it exists at all. I first discovered this when I traveled around Europe in my mid-20s. I saw that the citizens of those countries talked about lots of things, not just about material success. Money is of course important to the citizens of other countries, Mexico included, but it?s not necessarily the center of their lives.

Here?s what the US lacks, which I believe Mexico has: community, friendship, appreciation of beauty, craftsmanship as opposed to obsessive technology, and?despite what you read in the American newspapers?huge graciousness; a large, beating heart. I never found very much of those things in the US; certainly, I never found much heart. American cities and suburbs have to be the most soulless places in the world. In a word, America has its priorities upside down, and after decades of living there, I was simply tired of being a stranger in a strange land. In A General Theory of Love, Thomas Lewis and his colleagues conclude that happiness is achieved only by those who manage to escape the American value-system. Well, the easiest way to escape from that value-system, is to escape from America.?

Source -



?I Deserve the Best at 18% APR?


The boom in easy credit, which began in the 1990?s, allows people to pretend they are better off than they actually are. The inflation in credit leads to inflation in self-image, helping the narcissism epidemic spread far and wide. Take a culture that promotes self-admiration and material goods, add the ability to realize this self-admiration through buying things you can?t really afford, and many people live the narcissistic illusion that they are wealthy , successful, and special. The availability of easy credit has allowed people to present an inflated picture of their own success to themselves and to the world. This of course, encouraged others to go into debt to simply keep up. Unfortunately, buying flashy consumer goods on credit in order to look and feel like a winner is similar to hitting the crack pipe in order to improve your mood. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 127)


Spending money on material goods provides a rush and can become an addiction. Psychologist Paul Rose found that narcissists are more likely to be compulsive shoppers, a behavior now recognized as an addiction. This shopping addiction was also linked to impulsivity, a trait that like narcissism, involves favors short term pleasures at the expense of long term gains. Like all other addictions, shopping addictions spill over to harm other people, burning not just personal resources but also family resources. A spouse with an addiction to buying stylish clothes or flashy electronics can bankrupt an entire family. The addict separates from others, because the pull of addiction is more important than having warm relationships. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 135)


Money vs. Spirituality - Matthew 6:24 "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon."


Uncle Sam Does It Too


Uncle Sam has opened a free lunch stand. Voters get free money in the form of artificially low taxes, social security benefits that pay more than they put into the system, and a trough full of pork projects, and in turn, the people vote the politicians into office again and again. It amounts to a giant repeal of the reality principle, where we all get what we want. In theory, nobody pays for it. The reality is that the United States is broke. The federal government has reached incredibly high levels of giving Americans something for nothing. And the citizens have no interest at all in dealing with this reality or taking responsibility for it. They want their entitlements and pork and will kick out of office anyone who stands in their way. In the short run, everyone gets to feel good - they get their free money and can rave about what a wealthy and prosperous nation America is. In the longer term, however, the results are not likely to be pretty.

(The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 137)


Thomas Stanley and William Danko, authors of ?The Millionaire Next Door?, initially believed millionaires would have expensive tastes and habits. But the millionaires they studied were, in a word, frugal. Many drove used cars, spent very little, and saved large sums of money. Of the seven key factors they identified in millionaires, at least two are directly at odds with narcissism. First, the authors found millionaires lived well below their means. Second, millionaires believe that financial independence is more important than displaying high social status. Americans see people with fancy cars and clothes and assume they must be rich. In reality, it is often safer to assume that they are in debt. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 137)



Irrational Exuberance of Generation Me


Generation me has the highest self-esteem (self-love) of any generation, but also the most depression. To borrow Alan Greenspan's phrase, our upbringing was irrationally exuberant. Irrational, because when we reach adulthood we often find ourselves lonely, rejected by graduate schools, stuck in a boring job, and/or unable to afford a house and basic living expenses (your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA), though many of us find no one is there for us either. Like the bubble of the 1990's, the bubble of high expectations bursts once Gen Me hits adulthood. Older generations have also faced these struggles, but Gen Me has been led to expect bounty in a time of famine. The gap between expectations and reality has widened to a yawning gulf of disappointment. This leads to a lot of anxiety, depression, and complaining. (Generation Me, pg 212)        



America?s Hook Up Culture ? Hooking Up and Checking Out Emotionally


Another cultural-level manifestation of the narcissism epidemic in relationships is the trend toward ?hook ups,? aka ?friends with benefits,? and other commitment free relationships. These types of? sexual encounters are perfect for a narcissist who can get what he wants but then easily move on to the next partner, no strings attached. ?(The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 224) ??


Narcissists favor short-term relationships. That may help explain why hookups have become so popular. We cannot say for sure that one causes the other. All I can say is these are two trends that go along with each other. (Jean Twenge - Newsweek)


Overall, it is striking just how many symptoms of narcissism appear in the trend toward hookups, including lack of emotion in relationships, physical vanity, and antisocial attitudes and behavior. With hookups, it often plays out with broken hearts when one partner wants the hookup or ?friends with benefits? arrangement to evolve into a real relationship, and the other doesn?t.



America?s Narcissistic Culture and Its Impact on Relationships


This section explains the dysfunctionality of many (of course not all!) American woman. Again, as I repeat, it?s not necessarily their fault and doesn?t make them bad people per se. I?m only talking about the effect these things have on their ability to have healthy relationships and marriages. Though Jean Twenge says some of these traits effect men too but to a far lesser degree. Most foreign woman do not suffer from these drawbacks as they are not bi products of feminism, individualism, and narcissism, ?.all of which these experts haveoutlined about American culture which is leading the the world?s highest divorce rate. Dr Laura and Lori Gottlieb cover the disasterous effects of? feminism while Dr Jean Twenge covers the disasterous effects of Narcissism and individualism.



?One pattern of relationship behaviors is the ?fear of settling? or ?fear of missing out on the magic.? In the old days this would have been considered simple immaturity. You would have been told to ?take the good with the bad? or relationships are not all about you.? Today there is a different cultural message. Our individualistic culture narcissistically teaches people not to compromise ABC TV Bacherlorette Jen Schefft in her 2007 advice book, Better single than sorry: An no regrets guide to loving yourself and never settling, says ?If you?re a self-assured woman with lots to offer, there?s no excuse for it. Low self-esteem is? one of the forces of evil that drives women to settle.? In other words, you shouldn?t put up with any flaws in your partner-you?re too good for that. Schefft?s statements are squarely in the cultural mainstream. Many Gen X?ers feel entitled to a relationship that is always fun and easy. Many of them want to do their own thing and expect love and relationships to be on their schedule, on their terms, and to come without too much personal sacrifice.? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 221)


There is a ?what have you done for me lately?? attitude in relationships. (Many American women are notorious for having this attitude) And if the answer is ?not enough?, then it?s on to the next partner ?after all, goes our narcissistic culture patter, ?you deserve better!? It?s difficult to focus on someone else when you?ve been taught your whole life to focus on yourself. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 221)


Entitlement causes real problems in relationships and leads to conflicts. Being accommodating leads to much less conflict in relationships. Bingo! Asian and Latin women are especially accommodating, but many Americans confuse this with submission. Many American women will claim that men who marry foreign women just want a submissive slave to do our bidding. What we really want is more accommodating relationship/marriage partners who are easier to please and get along with. We want a happy and successful marriage that doesn?t lead to conflict and divorce! The 20% international divorce rate vs. the American 50-60% divorce rate seems to prove that going overseas is indeed the better option unless you are a gambling man and wish to roll the dice.


The problem with entitlement in relationships is this kind of mentality: ?You?re special, how dare anyone not show you respect?? Your spouse?s nasty comments or behavior are seen as fundamental challenges to your special stature in life, and thus you can?t just let them slide. The result is spiraling relationship conflict. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 233)


Self-admiration can make loving others and treating them well almost impossible, because too much self?admiration encourages people to put themselves before others. We need a new cultural belief such as: ?If you love yourself too much, you won?t have enough love left for anyone else.? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 223)


Self-esteem isn?t always an asset for making friends. In one experiment, after high self-esteem people learned they did poorly on a test, they became defensive, arrogant, and rude. The person they just met didn?t like them very much. They put so much effort into maintaining their self-esteem that they acted like jerks. Narcissists are even worse, often lashing out with aggression when they are challenged. Their self-admiration helps them treat others badly, as they think they are better than everyone else. People with low self-esteem, however, were restrained and subdued when talking to a new person during the study, and came across as likeable and friendly. Humble, self-deprecating people aren?t unlikable - in fact, they can be very endearing. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 223)

This is a spot on description of most foreign women??HUMBLE!!! Particularly Asians. Most (not all of course) attractive looking American woman, especially if in bars/single scenes are just the opposite, PRIDEFUL and VANITY.




In many ways, humility is the opposite of narcissism. Some people misconstrue humility as bad, equating it with shame or self-hatred. Humility is not the same as humiliation. True humility is a strength - the ability to see or evaluate yourself accurately and without defensiveness (notice we said ?accurately? not ?negatively?). Overall, humble people are more connected to others. When you go overseas, you feel a sense of connection to others. You feel a part of the society and hence feelings of loneliness and isolation are non existent and a big reason why depression and mental health problems are almost non existent in non western countries.

When you don?t concentrate on pumping up the self, it is easier to relate to other people and the wider world. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 283)



Many people believe that self-admiration is good for relationships as long as it doesn?t balloon into narcissism - in other words, ?You have to love yourself to be able to love someone else. If you don?t love yourself, how can you expect others to want to love you?? or ?If you didn?t love yourself, you wouldn?t know how to love anyone else?. This all sounds good but there is little evidence it?s true. These notions are nothing short of psycho babble perpetuated by our cultural pop psychology. People low in self-love or self-esteem choose partners just as well as everyone else and genuinely care about their partners. In the end, loving yourself isn?t all that important for loving others. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 222) ?


Another aphorism in our culture is, ?I do not need another to make me happy.? But the truth is that human beings do need other people to be happy-that is just the way we are built. But say this at a cocktail party, and someone will probably say yes, sure, but it?s better not to need someone. That?s co-dependence, the resident psychotherapy expert will say, and will repeat the modern aphorism ?You can?t expect someone else to make you happy. You have to make yourself happy.? Actually, you can expect this: having a stable marriage is one of the most robust predictors of happiness. We gain self-esteem from our relationships with others, not from focusing on ourselves. (Generation Me, pg 92)????


There is an inherent conflict/contradiction between American cultural values and our innate human nature. On the one hand, Americans like to be separate from others, independent, not need others, and be in their own space and bubble. And they are conditioned to derive a sense of pride and honor from being independent and self-reliant and autonomous. But on the other, we have an innate human need to connect/bond with others and belong to a social group/collective. This need for separateness and independence contributes to disunity and fragmentation in American families. It has been sociologically documented that families in America are not as closely bonded as in other countries, with family members asserting their independence and going their separate ways early in life. This leads to decreased life spans, lower mental and physical health, depression, loneliness and isolationism.???????


Narcissism has corroded interpersonal relationships. There has been a switch from deep to shallow relationships, a destruction of social trust, and an increase in entitlement and selfishness. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 276)


And this is why dating or marrying a foreign woman (or a foreign born woman) is so adventagous compared to American. Our world leading divorce rate supports this notion. To a certain extent, you can reverse this statement and tell American women that they are better off marrying a foreign man and perhaps there would be some truth to it. But clearly, both researchers repeatedly point towards American women as the primary problem in American relationships because neither ever specifically talked about men as having significant issues other than Jean Twenge stating that narcissism has affected men to some (but far lesser) degree.




America?s Obesity Epidemic Leads the World


In America, obesity is a greater health threat than starvation. The typical diet is too high in fats and sugars and too low in unrefined, slow release carbohydrates. While we continue to gorge, the contents of our grocery sacks deliver diabetes, gallbladder disease, hypertension, cancer, and higher risks of stroke. Much of our dietary dissatisfaction comes from the lack of vitality that processed food delivers. The loss of control about food choice is also dissatisfying. As Japan and China adopt a Western diet, previously rare Western diseases like arteriosclerosis and coronary heart disease come with it. Japanese women on traditional diets have one of the lowest rates of breast cancer in the world, but when they move to America and eat like Americans, their breast cancer risk quickly rises. High quality food delivers satisfaction and contentedness, but low quality food delivers poor health, irritability, and cancer. (Affluenza, pg 121)


Anyone who is well traveled around the world has witnessed how content and happy foreigners seem to be compared to Americans who often appear to be rushed, irritable, and uncontent with their lives. Low quality fatty processed foods contributes to this general apathy that is so unique to Americans.?



In America, Single Men Far Outnumber Single Women


There are actually thousands more single young men than women in America. Between the ages of 25 and 39, for every 1 unmarried woman there are 1.2 unmarried men. Even when you look only between the ages of 35 and 39, there are still thousands more unmarried men. I can hear women immediately yelling that all of the good ones are taken, but the truth is that its single men who should be anxious and complaining. Men get lonely too, though we rarely see that addressed on TV or in the movies. (Generation Me, 113-114)


This is a perfect example of one of the many truths that the American media never tells us.



Causes of the Narcissism Epidemic in American Culture


Cause #1 - The Self Esteem Movement


The increase in narcissism in individuals is, we believe, just an outcome of a massive shift in culture toward a greater focus on self-admiration. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 37)


The cultural focus on self-admiration began with the shift toward focusing on the individual in the 1970?s. In the three decades since, narcissism has grown in ways these authors never could have imagined. Parenting has become more indulgent, celebrity worship has grown, and reality TV has become a showcase of narcissistic people. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 4)??????


?Americans abandoned the vision of themselves as part of a interconnected social system ? a connection of parents to children and grandchildren and of community to community - and instead turned to the narcissistic pursuit of the self as a source of value, almost like a religious experience.? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 64)??


Since we were small children, we were taught to put ourselves first. We simply take it for granted that we should all feel good about ourselves. The focus on the needs of the individual self begins when children are young. One of the most popular nursery decorations right now is 12 inch tall letters spelling out the child?s name, an obvious bow to individualism? a hyper-individualized emphasis on how truly, exquisitely unique and precious our child is, like a hope diamond, more special than the others. Our parents have treated us as royalty since we were born (Generation Me, pg 75)


One program sponsored by the Canadian Mental Health Association teaches children, ?I am me! There?s not another person in the whole world like me. I have my very own thumbprint. I am special.? Telling people how similar they are reduces aggression and egotism, yet this program emphasizes to teach kids how different they are from one another. The program claims it aims to ?increase skills that promote personal development and successful relationships,? but it potentially encourages attitudes that could undermine relationships through narcissism and aggression. This is far from the only school program (or media message) that emphasizes how different we are from one another. A guide for child care providers on self-esteem emphasizes telling children, ?You are a very special person. There is only one you in the world.? A website called ?Manifest Your Potential? asks, ?Do you wonder what makes you different from everyone else? Are you looking for answers to ?what makes me special and unique???


Not only does this go against the research on reducing aggression, but it defies centuries of history. Almost every war and every atrocity in the history of the world has been based on differences among people. Hitler singled out the Jews as different, and less than human and the common enemy to be killed. The Tutsi killed the Hutu, Shiites kill Sunnis, and Serbs killed Croatians. White people enslaved black people. Men prevented women from voting. Recognizing the common humanity in your enemy is often the first step to stopping a war or other conflict.


It?s not low self-esteem that causes kids to become bullies. It?s narcissism. Narcissistic kids fight when insulted, not the low self-esteem kids. Teaching kids how special they are makes things worse not better. Many people are incredulous when we suggest that all people are not special. The emotions involved in this are so strong that arguing against the importance of self-admiration is often a nonstarter. People argue that children have to like themselves or they will suffer dire consequences. These views are so ingrained in American culture they are hard to fight. It?s kind of like telling people they don?t really need to wear pants. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 286-288)


Parents need to abandon the notion that their child is the center of the universe. This is a tough pill for parents to swallow sometimes, because they have been told that being special is necessary for being loved. But that?s not really true. People who truly think they are special have trouble with connecting to ?normal? people; likewise, ?normal? people have problems connecting to ?special? people. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 293)


In schools, the emphasis on self-esteem has to go. No more ?I am special? songs. No more ?everyone is a winner?. We are not saying that children need to be told they are not special or are losers ?just drop the whole issue. It is relatively easy to succeed in life with low self-esteem, but very difficult to succeed without self-control, self-discipline, or emotional resilience in the face of setbacks. The ability to learn from failure is crucial in life, and is much, much easier in a culture that does not push ?specialness?. Children?s sports programs should stop giving trophies to everyone who participates. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 296)



The enthusiastic claims of the self-esteem movement mostly range from fantasy to hogwash. The effects of self-esteem are small, limited, and not all good. Those with high self-esteem are more likely to be obnoxious, to interrupt, and to talk at people rather than with them (in contrast to the more shy, modest, self-effacing folks with low self-esteem). People with high self-esteem are also more likely to be bullies. Self-control is worth 10 times as much as self-esteem. (The American Paradox, pg 167) This explains the bullying epidemic in America. This also describes one of the main differences between American and foreign woman. Foreign woman grow up disciplined and learn self restraint compared to most American woman who grow up undisciplined and lack restraint .



Public service announcements vividly illustrate what Americans are now concerned with (ourselves) and what no longer gets much attention (Knowledge and the larger world). Jean Twenge is correct about this, and Winston Wu has discussed this fact at happier abroad. Fact is, most Americans know very little about the rest of the world compared to foreigners. But we sure think we do. If public service announcements are going to positively influence Americans, they need to start by focusing on things outside ourselves (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 291)


Generation me (those of us born after 1965) is straightforward and unapologetic about our self-focus. A careful study of news stories published or aired between 1980 and 1999 found a large increase in self-reference words (I, me, mine and myself) and a marked decrease in collective words (humanity, country, or crowd). So, why did children?s self-esteem increase so dramatically during the 1980?s and 1990?s? The short answer is that they we were taught it. (Generation Me, pg 53)??


Many school districts across the country have specific programs designed to increase children?s self-esteem, most of which actually build self-importance and narcissism. These programs make self-importance mandatory, demanding of children that they love themselves and encourage children to feel good about themselves for no particular reason. (Generation Me, pg 55) In such programs, kids color posters that read ?YOU ARE SPECIAL?, or wear badges saying ?I AM GREAT?, and recite phrases and wear T shirts saying ?I?m lovable and capable?. Parenting books and magazines stress the importance of self-esteem. The mission statements of many schools is to raise children?s self-esteem. Schools create exercises making self-importance mandatory, demanding of children that they love themselves for no particular reason. Teacher training courses often emphasize that a child?s self-esteem must be preserved above all else. Self-esteem should not be raised based on who they are but rather than how they perform or behave. TV and mainstream media have taught us that loving yourself is more important than anything else. (Generation Me, pg 57)


Shows for younger children actively encourage narcissism in a different but equally effective way. One PBS show proclaims, ?You?re special just for being you!? Very young girls now watch TV shows like Hannah Montana and High school Musical. Although these shows are free of inappropriate sexuality and crass language, they are unfortunately not free of narcissistic attitudes. Shows like Hannah Montannah promote the seductive narcissistic dream of fame, riches, and vanity. Hanna Girls dress up like Hannah Montana in makeover parties like those at Club Libby Lu, a mall based chain that hosts makeovers for girls age six to eleven. The company website suggests ?Visit our VIP area for super spa party ideas.? (VIP stands for ?Very Important Princess.? Sweet & Sassy, a Texas based salon for girls, offers a package in which the girl is picked up at her door by a pink limo. ?We live in a culture of insta-celebrity,? said marketing executive Samantha Skey. ?Our little girls now grow up thinking they need to be ready for their close-up, lest the paparazzi arrive.? (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 102)


And we wonder why so many American women grow up as they do? materialistic with a golden princess attitude to boot. Apparently, in America, we start teaching them young.


We hope that writers and producers will get the message that excessive self?admiration is not praiseworthy but dangerous. You do not need to encourage children to feel special and proclaim that they are hot. You don?t need to convince teenage boys that they should be confident enough to hit on their friend?s mom. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 105)????? ???



What kind of young people does all this unconditional self-esteem building produce? Many teachers and social observers say it results in kids who can?t take criticism. In other words, employers, get ready for a group of easily hurt young workers. Research shows that when people with high self-esteem are criticized, they became unfriendly, rude, and uncooperative, even toward people who had nothing to do with the criticism. They feel they deserve recognition and attention from others, and their unique individual needs should be considered first and foremost. Gen Me takes for granted that the self comes first and we often believe exactly what we were sp carefully taught - that we?re special. (Generation Me, pg 65)


Surely kids who have high self-esteem go on to make better grades and achieve more in school. However, research shows that self-esteem does not cause high grades - instead, high grades cause higher self-esteem. Nor does high self-esteem protect against teen pregnancy, juvenile delinquency, alcoholism, drug abuse, or chronic welfare dependency. In fact, all the literature seems to conclude that high self-esteem doesn?t cause much of anything. Self-esteem based on nothing does not serve children well in the long run. In fact, people with high self-esteem are often more violent and more likely to cheat. It?s clearly better for children to value learning rather than simply feeling good about themselves for no reason. Self-esteem without basis encourages laziness rather than hard work. True self-confidence comes from honing your talents and learning things, not from being told you?re great just because you exist. (Generation Me, pg 67)


Young people who have high self-esteem built on shaky foundations might run into trouble when they encounter the harsh realities of the real world. Kids who are given meaningless A?s and promoted when they haven?t learned the material will later find out in college or the working world that they don?t know much at all. And what will that do to their self-esteem, or more importantly, their careers? Unlike your teachers, your boss isn?t going to care much about preserving your high self-esteem. The self-esteem emphasis leaves kids ill prepared for the inevitable criticism and occasional failure that is real life. Setting kids up like this is doing them a tremendous disservice.


The risk in these self-esteem programs is in inflating the self-concept of children who already think the world revolves around them. Building up the self-esteem and importance of kids who are already egocentric can bring trouble, as it can lead to NARCISSISM ? and maybe it already has.?


This focus on self-esteem often crosses over into entitlement: The idea that we deserve more. And why shouldn?t we? We?ve been told all our lives that we are special.


Parenting magazines should stop insisting that a parent?s most important duty is to raise a child who likes ?herself?. Most kids like themselves just fine - and make the demands to prove it. If children are always praised and always get what they want, they may find it difficult to overcome challenges as adults. The risk of overindulgence is self-centeredness and self-absorption. Much of the self-esteem movement actually encourages narcissism, or the belief that one is better and more important than anyone else. Narcissism is a very negative personality trait linked to aggression and poor relationships with others. We also need to stop talking in unrealistic platitudes, and this goes for teachers, parents, and Hollywood screenwriters. We must stop telling children ?You can be anything you want to be?, or ?You should never give up on your dreams.? Why? Because both of these statements are patently untrue. Talk of dreams and being anything you want creates unrealistic expectations that are bound to disappoint. Adults cannot follow their dreams all the time, but must deal with the practical matters of getting a job that pays the bills. (Generation Me, pg 225 -226)


Another aphorism and mindless psycho babble that should be chucked is ?You must love yourself before you love others?. Narcissists - people who really love themselves - are horrible relationship partners. Self-centered people are rarely fun to be around. So why do we keep telling people to love themselves first before others? Beats me. An Aphorism that makes more sense is ?No one is an island?. (Generation Me, pg 227)


Treating your child as if he?s Christ, singing ?I am special?, and wearing a shirt that says ?Too cool 4 you? instills narcissism, not basic self-worth. America has overdosed on self-admiration, and our ?Wonder drug? comes with serious side effects such as arrogance and self-centeredness. In the rush to create self-worth, our culture may have opened up the door to something darker and more sinister. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 17)?


Most Americans assume that self-esteem is strongly linked to doing well in life. Our culture tells us it pays to believe in yourself as long as you are not arrogant or narcissistic. However, this isn?t really true. A major review of research on self-esteem and achievement found that high self-esteem does not cause better grades, test scores, or job performance. (In fact, controlled experiments have proven that in certain academic situations, self-esteem boosting actually leads to failure, not success). Self-esteem comes ?AFTER success?, not before, because self-esteem is based on success (academic or social). (The Narcissism Epidemic pg 46-47)


When parents and teachers protect children from failure to cushion their self-esteem, kids may end up doing worse because they aren?t learning from their mistakes. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 49)?


In the United States, the ethnic group with the lowest self-esteem, Asian Americans, achieves the highest academic performance. So, the group with ?alarmingly low self-esteem? is actually doing the best in school. US high school kids have not improved in academic performance over the last 30 years, a time when self-esteem has been actively encouraged and boosted among American children (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 47)?


In the United States, we have had a 1% improvement in actual learning over 30 years, but an 83% increase in ?A? grades. Apparently, our culture has decided to go with the strategy of boosting the fantasy of success rather than success itself. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 47)?


In previous generations, children were expected to work hard. They weren?t told they were special and didn?t get the idea that they were better than others. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 170)


Parents can also play a big role in raising less materialistic children. Of course, parents want to make their children happy, and children want stuff. Thus parents buy them stuff. And children are happy, but only for a short period of time. Then they want even more stuff. If, in your mind, every time you thought about buying your child stuff, you substituted the word ?crack?, it would make the reasoning much easier - I want my daughter to be happy. Crack makes my daughter happy. Therefore, I will buy her crack. This will make her happy for a short period of time and then she will only want more crack. We?re not saying that stuff is as bad as crack, but its clear that kids in America have way too much stuff. It?s got to end somewhere.

(The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 178)


The trend towards more unique names says a lot about our culture. We now wish so fervently that our children will stand out from the crowd that we equip them with unique labels from birth. Unique names aren?t necessarily bad, and we don?t mean to pass judgment on them, but the individualistic focus on children being unique and different fits squarely into the narcissism epidemic. Scales of narcissism reliably correlate with standard assessments of the need for uniqueness, because narcissists like the idea of standing out and being different from other people. (The Narcissism Epidemic,? pg 183-184)


The Associated Press story on our study of the rise in narcissism mentioned the ?I think I am a special person? item from the NPI. The story ended with a quote from University of Vermont student Kari Dalane: ?It would be more depressing if people answered, ?No, I?m not special.?? Kari was not alone; we got an avalanche of questions on this issue. ?Everyone likes to hear they?re special and wouldn?t it be just creepy if 7 year olds walked around saying, ?I?m not special??? asked the daily Kent stater in Ohio. When Jean did radio interviews on this topic, many callers were shocked when she suggested that feeling special isn?t a good thing. Newspaper columnists, such as Joe Vulopas in the Lancaster (Pennsylvania) New Era, responded to this suggestion with ?Puuuleeeaaase? Are these researchers upset because their mommies and daddies didn?t say they were special?? (Yes, that?s exactly why we went into psychology.) Vulopas noted that he regularly greets his daughter with ?You?re the most beautiful little princess in the whole world!? and insisted he would continue to say she is ?special? EVERY CHANCE I GET.? The (Pennsylvania) Eagle argued that if parents ?stop telling their children they?re special in an effort to keep them from becoming narcissistic, parents could run the risk of damaging their children?s self-confidence.?


In our online survey, we asked, ?Is it important to tell kids they are special?? Nicole, 29, gave a version of the most popular response: ?Definitely. It builds self?esteem and confidence, and I believe it also helps them to respect others.? In some ways, these responses make our argument for us. We are a nation fixated on the idea of being the exception to the rule, standing out, and being better than others-in other words, on being special and narcissistic - and we?re so surrounded by this ethos that we find it shocking that anyone would question it. Fish don?t realize they?re in water. But feeling special is narcissism - not self-esteem, not self-confidence, and not something we should be building in our children. There?s a difference between narcissism and self-confidence. And it is unlikely to lead to respect for others, as Nicole theorized; people who believe they are special often want to be the exception to the rule, which is usually unfair to everyone else. Even though everyone cannot be special, everyone is unique. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 183-184)


Loving your children, and telling them so, is not the same as telling them that they are special. Love creates a secure base for a child and a connection that they can count on. In contrast, telling a child she is special sets her apart and creates disconnection ? a recipe for narcissism. An overemphasis on uniqueness has negative consequences for individuals as well. Studies have found that teenagers who have a ?personal fable? of uniqueness believe that no one understands them. Teens with these beliefs are significantly more likely to be depressed and think about suicide. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 192)??????


The enthusiastic claims of the self-esteem movement mostly range from fantasy to hogwash. The effects of self-esteem are small, limited, and not all good. Those with high self-esteem are more likely to be obnoxious, to interrupt, and to talk at people rather than with them (in contrast to the more shy, modest, self-effacing folks with low self-esteem). People with high self-esteem are also more likely to be bullies. Self-control is worth 10 times as much as self-esteem. (The American Paradox, pg 167) This explains the bullying epidemic in America.


Cause #2 - The Age of the Weak Parent


On a recent trip to Babies R Us, Jean was distracted by the display of bibs at the checkout counter. In large white letters on pink and blue, they announced : ?Chick Magnet?,? Super Model?, ?Princess?, and ?I?m the Boss?. This is just a glimpse into the new parenting culture that has fueled the narcissism epidemic. It says a lot about a culture that people think a six month old wearing a ?Super Model? bib is cute. It is increasingly common to see parents relinquishing authority to young children, showering them with unearned praise, protecting them from their teachers? criticisms, giving them expensive automobiles, and allowing them to have freedom but not the responsibility that goes with it. Not that long ago, kids knew who the boss was and it wasn?t them. It was mom and dad. And mom and dad weren?t your ?friends?. They were your parents. Parents want their kids? approval, a reversal of the past ideal of children striving for their parents? approval. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 73)


Many of today?s parents seek to raise children high in self-admiration and self-esteem, partially because books and articles have touted its importance. Unfortunately, much of what parents think raises self-esteem ? such as telling a kid he?s special and giving him what he wants ? actually leads to narcissism. Modern behavioral theories argue that narcissism arises from inflated feedback - if you are told over and over that you are great, you?ll probably think you are great. Good intentions and parental pride have opened the door to cultural narcissism in parenting. A remarkable percentage of clothes for baby girls has ?Princess? or ?Little Princess? written on it. If your daughter is a princess, does this, mean that you are the queen or king? No ? it means you are the loyal subject, and you must do what the princess says. Unless you?re Prince William or Harry, don?t dress your daughter in an outfit claiming she is a ?Princess?. She?s not. Get over it.


This really is the era of the weak parent. Giving this much power to children teaches an entitled view of life, with all of the fun and choices but none of the responsibility. More than any time in history, the child?s needs come first. In studies on parenting and narcissism, this kind of lax parental monitoring was one of the strongest correlates of narcissism in teens. It?s also a good predictor of teen drug and alcohol abuse and crime. Parents who want to stick with the older model of child rearing that downplays materialism and emphasizes politeness and discipline are swimming against the cultural tide. If you don?t let your children do something, but every other message that your children hear ? from the media, friends, the school, and other parents ? tells them it?s OK, then your resistance will only last so long. When a man travels abroad, he will notice how humble, and disciplined foreign ladies are.


Many parents? resolve crumbles in the face of permissive norms. Throughout the 1980?s and 90?s, the importance of obedience steadily declined until it reached an all time low in 2004, the last year for which data was available. The surveys shore up the feeling many Americans have about modern parenting: that we have become too indulgent, that we praise children too much, that we treat our children almost like royalty. When children are overindulged, it leads to outcomes resembling the seven deadly sins: pride, wrath, envy, sloth, gluttony, lust, and greed. The seven deadly sins are, of course, a succinct summary of the symptoms of narcissism. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 74-82)?????



At one time, strong social pressures kept people?s egos in check. (i.e. Mothers asked children ?Who do you think you are??)? Now we are likely to say ?What do you want for dinner princess??



Americans Can?t Take Criticism

Unfortunatley, when pointing out many of the flaws of our American culture, many Americans become defensive instead of being open minded about recognizing these issues.


When mother Theresa came to the United States to receive an honorary degree, she said:


?"This is the poorest place I've ever been in my life," recounts Robert Seiple, the former director of World Vision, a Christian charity organization. "She wasn't talking about economics", he adds. "She was talking about poverty of the soul". (Affluenza, pg 74)

A quote I found on the internet regarding this quote above.....

"If you tell thid to the typical American, they'll freak out on you, hate on you, and tell you you're not good enough to be an American or some such. Most American's can't take ANY criticism, even if it's constructive, and will just tell you to get out of the country (love it or leave it), if you don't like something. I wonder if they told that to Mother Theresa, too!"


"A friend of mine who is a dean at one of the nation's major medical schools was very taken by my discussion of Joyce Appleby's work, in my book Dark Ages America. He went out and bought her essay, "Capitalism and a New Social Order," in which she describes how the definition of "virtue" underwent a complete reversal in the 1790s-from putting your private interests aside for the sake of the greater good, to achieving individual material success in an opportunistic environment. As a dean, my friend interacts with faculty a lot, at department meetings, cocktail parties, or whatever. He took these opportunities to raise the topic of the rapid redefinition of virtue in colonial America, only to discover that within 30 seconds, the eyes of whomever he was talking to glazed over and they would change the subject. Tocqueville said it in 1831, and it is even more true today: Americans simply cannot tolerate, cannot even hear, fundamental critiques of America. IQ has very little to do with it. In an ontological sense, they simply cannot bear it. And if this is true for the "best and the brightest," then what does this say for the rest of us??


What the Future Holds


If the narcissism epidemic continues, there will be even more entitlement, materialism, vanity, antisocial behaviors, and relationship troubles. Americans might not even notice it. Perhaps parents will routinely suggest plastic surgery to their kids to ?boost self-confidence?. Young people will each have thousands of friends but will spend so much time tending those shallow relationships that they will spend much less time on deeper connections with others. Home mortgages will get longer and longer so homeowners will never get out of debt but can have the fine lifestyle that they feel they deserve. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 276)?????


The life course of the generation of Americans just now entering the workforce will be especially interesting to watch. Their parents and teachers gave them inflated feedback and much of what they saw on TV featured pleasures of the rich. They got trophies just for showing up as kids, but as adults many of them might be struggling just to find a job. The culture of the last few decades has not prepared this generation for the challenges they will face. Many will rise to the occasion, buckling down to work harder. The rest will be angry and depressed at their lot in life, (I see this high stress agitated uptight attitude in many Americans. This is mostly absent in most non-western cultures) so different from the comfort and ease they were led to expect would be theirs. At base, the culture and the economy have to be about something real. Much of what is ?real? is moving overseas. The sovereign wealth funds of Russia and Dubai are buying our assets with money we sent them when our SUV?s guzzled foreign oil.


A large study by the National Science Foundation found that science and engineering research output in US universities has slowed down just as it is growing in Asia and Europe. Even the fantasy ?the stuff the United States is really good at, like making movies and music ?is moving overseas, with the ascendance of Bollywood and other homegrown movie machines. Not that long ago, the US economy was the envy of the world. As Justin Cox noted in Time. We have borrowed so much from overseas that the number one export of the United States is now debt. As long as people continue to be pumped up with false feedback, connected in illusory close relationships, and driven by flash rather than substance-that is, as long as fantasy can trump reality in the game of life ?narcissism will thrive. And as long as narcissism thrives, we can expect a culture that is more and more built on the faulty ground of inflated self-perceptions, shallow relationships, shameless self-promotion, and excessive attention seeking. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 278)


The only question is how long it will be before our nation buckles under the strains of narcissism. Our social fabric will tear under the weight of this egotism and incivility. The Chinese will eat our lunch economically as narcissistic American consumers spend themselves into permanent debt and entitled employees demand more money for less work. Reality always wins in the end. (The Narcissism Epidemic, pg 303)





Below are Further Supportive Studies Outside of These Experts.









See here for proof of the 20% stat above:?


*The link above has since expired but the full report is listed at the very end of this document


As quoted word by word from the USCIS report to Congress: ?It is interesting to note that, based largely on data provided by the agencies themselves (along with the Commission on Filipinos Overseas report cited above), marriages arranged through these services would appear to have a lower divorce rate than the nation as a whole, fully 80 percent of these marriages having lasted over the years for which reports are available.?



The New America - Lack of Social Stigma over Divorce


See -


The one major change that has pushed up our divorce rates so dramatically is the lack of societal stigma. The fabric that help together unhappy marriages in the past was not legal hurdles or lack of women's rights, but rather a very negative opinion of divorce in the American community. Couples who were unhappy knew that a divorce would bring even more unhappiness, in the form of rejection and derision from families and peers. Even their children would suffer at the hands of classmates and teachers. The threat of being disgraced in the community was enough to keep them together for better or worse.


In western countries like the USA, getting a divorce is just as easy as getting dessert. Should I or should I not?


One of the reasons the divorce rate is so high is that people have such a

shabby view of marriage. Consider how many people actually go to Las

Vegas to get married - with not even a thought of seeking God's blessing.

Given the low esteem of marriage that this represents, is it surprising that

so many of them get divorced?


Expecting Perfection


I've once heard a woman say, "I don't want to divorce my husband, but if he

doesn't change, I will have no choice." IF HE DOESN'T CHANGE! All of this while

she was actively looking for someone else... while still married. But she is so

perfect, she is entitled to demand perfection of others. Until she realizes that

some of her ways need to change, men will always turn out to be dogs. All

of her relationships will end the same way. One of the reasons people get

divorced is that they demand and expect perfection of the other person.

Once someone expects perfection from another human being, they will never

fail to be disappointed. Then they will find themselves unhappy in their

marriage, supposedly because the other person is not making them happy.

There are some people who will never be happy, regardless of whom they marry.




This leads to another reason why people get divorced. People are inherently

selfish. I am not happy. I don't care about my spouse or my children, what

about ME? Sure you need to look out for yourself, but people today look

only after themselves. But that's human nature. The flesh is inherently

selfish. Modern relationships consist of two people trying to take from each

other as much as they could. When they realize that the other person could

no longer give them what they want, they opt out.

Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we woman do. The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along: Love.



Lack of Commitment


I believe this is the major American reason for getting divorced. U.S. couples stand before the minister, rabbi, or justice of the peace and often repeat the words "till death do us part", but rarely do they really consider the implications of this promise. Couples of past generations seem to have understood commitment so much better. I am always amazed when I read the stories of World War II brides who married after knowing their fianc? for only a few days, weeks, or months - then went on to spend fifty or more years together. It couldn't have all been a "bed of roses"- learning to live with someone they hardly knew, yet they made it work. These couples understood commitment Americans nowadays have an unrealistic belief of ?expecting to be in love all the time?


A Misunderstanding of ?Love?


Unfortunately, Americans base their views on what love is primarily from what they see in the movies or on television, or read in a novel. Love according to these sources is that special, heart-throbbing feeling that you get from just seeing someone or hearing their voice. Almost every couple will experience these feelings, especially when they are first dating. For many U.S. couples, when the "feelings" fade away and the reality of actually living with and being committed to someone with all their faults and failures sinks in, that's when the marriage dies. The individuals move on to the next "exciting" person who comes along, until they "feel" like they are "in love" again-after all, isn't that how our society portrays love? Love is so much more than feelings; it grows into something that is steadfast, deep, and abiding rather than shallow.


I'm a lurker in various American cheating forums and pretty much every reason I have read as to why a woman cheated was because the "chemistry" went away and they felt as though they were being cheated out of the soul mate experience .

Americans Quit


Americans have an inability to work through difficulties. When the going gets tough, Americans tend to quit. Finances get tight sometimes. Unplanned children are born. Planned children put unexpected stress on a marriage. It is easier to just walk away than to work through the problems.

(The following can be explained by narcissism in our culture)

Sad, but not surprising, marriage is at a 40-year low, according to a recent report by the National Marriage Project. Some demographers are predicting that 85 percent of young Americans will never marry.

Why? Because they're afraid they won't be "happy." In fact, fewer people today are happy with marriage than just 30 years ago. In the early 1970s, 53 percent of people in their first marriages were "very happy." By 1996, only 37.8 percent were. (So of the 40% of Americans who do stay married, only 37.50% of that 40% are really happy)

Such is cause for concern. As Utah Gov. Michael O. Leavitt said at a recent meeting of marriage researchers: "If the institution of marriage ever falls from grace, our society will fall as well, because there is no institution that can take its place."

In response to these troubling figures, researchers are building seminars on conflict-resolution, intimacy, infidelity and children, while marriage advocates are urging Congress to eliminate marriage penalties in the tax codes.

Like most things of value, marital happiness is earned, mostly through hard work and self-sacrifice. The rule in marriage shouldn't be: I want to be happy in my marriage. Rather, the rule should be: I want to make my spouse happy in our marriage. What a concept.


There is value to giving more than you receive. There is value to placing the marriage -- the family, the common good, the higher goal -- above one's individual wants or wishes.

Given such lessons early in life, we might see not only fewer divorces and broken families, but also a more civil society. The rules for family and society are really the same. Whither goes the family, so goes the other.

(America?s world leading divorce rate shows that it is in moral and spiritual decline)


American Women Initiate Divorce 66% of the Time!



This study shows that Domestic Violence, Infidelity, and Exploitation are NOT a Factor in divorce. The reasons are below

"Because I've Outgrown Him"

Women today often decide to divorce their husbands because they have simply outgrown them, according to author Carol Ann Wilson in her book "ABCs of Divorce for Women." Wilson, a professional counselor for women in financial issues, says that many more women are simply realizing that they have new career and personal growth opportunities. Wilson says that wives who married young especially develop new perspectives over the years, perspectives that outdistance their husbands' ability to keep pace.

"Because I Don't Need Him"

In this age of continuing independence for women in general, divorce often is an escape for women who simply do not want in a marriage anymore. Some women just don't feel they need marriage any longer to feel complete or be successful, according to author and researcher Ashton Applewhite in his book "Cutting Loose: Why Women Who End Their Marriages Do So."

"Because I Will Win"

Statistically, author Margaret Brinig says, women who filed for divorce most often felt confident they would receive advantageous custody agreements. "The question of custody absolutely swamps all the other variables," Brinig said. "Our study found that children are the most important asset in a marriage and the partner who expects to get custody is by far the one most likely to file for divorce." Brinig adds that not only are women certain they will get custody, they divorce specifically in order to "gain full control over the children."

The majority of midlife divorces are initiated by women. Don't believe it? In the AARP survey, 66 percent of women reported that they asked for the divorce, compared with 41 percent of men. And men more often than women were caught off-guard by their divorce.



Divorce Is All the Rage for Females Over 40


?More than half of all marriages today end in divorce. But, for the first time in history, the majority of those divorces are now being instigated by women.?


?Women in their 40?s and 50?s no longer feel stigmatized by the word "divorc?e."?


?We have increased social confidence. And we have a fairer legal system (Do you take this man to the cleaners, for 50 percent of
his income, from this day forth, for richer and richer? You bet I do!)

Now a new survey reveals that women worry more about getting breast cancer, their children's futures, and even immigration and menopause, than they do about undergoing a husband-ectomy.?





MailOnline - news, sport, celebrity, science and health stories


The ego epidemic: How more and more of us women have an inflated sense of our own fabulousness



By Lucy Taylor
Last updated at 7:55 AM on 14th September 2009

?         Comments (207)

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Us women are more egocentric and narcissistic than we ever used to be, according to extensive research by two leading psychologists.

More of us have huge expectations of ourselves, our lives and everyone in them. We think the universe resolves around us, with a deluded sense of our own fabulousness, and believe we are cleverer, more talented and more attractive than we actually are.

We have trouble accepting criticism and extending empathy because we are so preoccupied with ourselves.

Actresses Kim Cattrall, Cynthia Nixon, Sarah Jessica Parker and Kristin Davis on location for the new movie 'Sex and the City 2'

Got it all: Actresses Kim Cattrall (left to right), Cynthia Nixon, Sarah Jessica Parker and Kristin Davis on location for the new movie 'Sex and the City 2'

Am I making you angry by telling you this? It figures. Narcissistic or egotistical women do have an overwhelming sense of entitlement and arrogance.

Of course, I joke, but researchers say there is growing evidence of an epidemic of ego-itis everywhere.

Once a traditionally male syndrome, narcissism generally begins at home and in schools, where children are praised excessively, often spoiled rotten and given the relentless message that they are 'special'.

Psychology professors Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell analysed studies on 37,000 college students in 2006.

In a survey, 30 per cent of them said they believed they should get good grades simply for turning up.

NET WORTH: Facebook is a boon for those with narcissistic traits, who use the networking site for self-promotion, says a recent study.


And it's not just about how intelligent they think they are. In the workplace, in friendships, even in motherhood, the pervading culture seems to have become one of competitiveness, superiority and one-upmanship.

But the sphere in which the signs of self-obsession are perhaps most obvious, and the consequences most immediately felt, is the dating one.

In a recent magazine article, four women in their late 20s and 30s shared their thoughts about why they were still single. A 39-year-old beauty director claimed to be too independent for a relationship.

A 38-year-old music agent attributed her single status to the fact she was an alpha female - independent, feisty, strong-minded, high-achieving and intimidating.

Graphic of a woman looking at her reflection in a heart-shaped pond

Mirror, mirror: Are women increasingly believing that the universe revolves around them?

She pointed out that she owned a gorgeous flat with gorgeous things in it, had a nice car, was a member of a fancy gym and wore designer dresses. 'I do what I like, when I like,' she said.

She'd been told, and appears to believe, that she's too successful and too well-educated for most men.

The third woman, a 30-year- old arts writer and curator, has been having too much fun to settle down.

Another, a 29-year-old, said she was too picky. She was looking for a guy who is (just) tall enough. And (just about) good-looking enough (but not too good-looking so that she'd play second fiddle).

He needs to be successful, solvent and driven. He must also be long on genuinely good jokes, with a decent sideline in bad ones that only she finds funny.

He needs to 'speak good restaurant', to have no special dietary requirements and to always be discerning without ever being fussy.

A businesswoman sits on a chair with a sheet of paper in her hand

Me, me, me: The workplace is one area where women can develop an over-inflated view of themselves

He needs to be clever without ever making her feel stupid. He needs to 'get' but not 'know' fashion... and so the list went on.

She concluded that she would rather eat wasps than share her Sunday with anyone who fails to measure up to her idea of Mr. Perfect.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with having high expectations. But being delusional and having a totally unrealistic blueprint are an altogether different matter.

And they often go hand in hand with acute ego-itis. As Margot Medhurt knows only too well.

She is the founder of Yours Sincerely, an Edinburgh-based personal dating and introduction agency for professionals. She has almost 30 years' experience in the industry and has noticed a significant rise in this phenomenon in recent years.

'It used to be that most women who joined a dating agency had a pretty good idea of where they stood in the eligibility stakes,' she said. 'But in the past few years, I've noticed that there are a significant number of women who don't.

'They tend to be in their 30s, and there is a wide discrepancy between how they perceive themselves and how others see them.

'They are often very plain, but see themselves as being absolutely fabulous, exceptional people.

'They invariably reject every guy's profile I send them. But if a guy rejects their profile, there is all hell to pay. There is disbelief. They are really saying: "I'm so fabulous. How dare he turn me down?"

'In the past few years, I've noticed a real sense of entitlement among this small group of women. The idea that a guy might not find them as amazing as they find themselves doesn't enter their head.

'They often become indignant and angry towards me, demanding to know why a guy dared to turn them down. Most people simply accept the facts of the dating game: some people will find you attractive and others won't, in the same way that you'll be drawn to some but not others.

Women today think the universe revolves around them and have a deluded sense of their abilities

'These women, however, are unable to get their heads around the fact that the rest of the world might not share the distorted, inflated view they have of themselves.'

She said she had a eureka moment when she read a recent article about the rise in narcissism among women.

According to the American research, there has been a 67 per cent increase in it over the past two decades, mainly among women.

An estimated ten per cent of the population suffers from narcissism as a full-blown personality disorder.

The symptoms include: a grandiose sense of self-importance; the belief that he or she is special or unique and in some way better - either intellectually or physically - than others; a requirement for excessive admiration; a sense of entitlement, whether to fame, fortune, success and happiness or simply to special treatment; enviousness of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her; an inability to empathise; an inability to admit a mistake; and haughty behaviour or attitude.

A couple share vegetables during a roast dinner meal

Food for thought: One woman said she would not share time with a man unless he was her ideal of Mr. Perfect

What researchers have also identified, and are far more worried about, is what has been described as 'normal' narcissism - a cultural shift that has seen even non-narcissistic people seduced by the emphasis on material wealth, physical appearance and celebrity worship.

The researchers believe our culture brings out narcissistic behavior in almost all of us.

They blame the internet (where 'fame' is a click away), reality television (where the lure of fame without talent is most prevalent), easy credit (which enables people to buy far beyond their ability to pay), celebrity worship, our highly consumerist, competitive and individualistic society, and a generation of indulgent parents who have raised their children to think they're special, amazing and perfect.

According to Twenge, this focus on self-admiration has caused a cultural flight from reality to the land of grandiose fantasy.

We have phony rich people (who actually have massive mortgages and piles of debt), phony beauty (via plastic surgery), phony celebrities (via reality TV and YouTube), phony genius students (with grade inflation) and phony friends (with the social networking explosion).

TOP DOG: Narcissists are most likely to end up in leadership roles despite the fact they often don't make good leaders, according to a U.S. survey


'I had noticed this trend, but wasn't really sure what it was all about,' says Margaret Medhurt.

'However, when I read that article and thought about the unrealistic expectations and sense of entitlement among some of the women, it really struck a chord.

'One of the cases that brought it home to me involved a 38-year-old businesswoman.

'I knew there were going to be problems right away. As soon as someone joins the agency, we get things moving very quickly - but this wasn't quick enough for this woman.

'She wanted a date immediately. The first man I sent her profile to declined an introduction and she was extremely cross. She couldn't accept it and she couldn't even be polite about it.

'In three weeks, three men turned her down. I explained that it takes time to meet someone but she just got angrier and angrier. She was demanding to know why these guys did this. I was trying to get the balance right - between being honest with her and being tactful.

'I think, ultimately, she had a very flawed perception of herself. And she almost couldn't bear that it was being challenged. It was as if she couldn't deal with the fact that some guys didn't think she was amazing - and she left.'

Men, traditionally regarded as the more self-centred of the species and the rogues of the mating game, are left scratching their heads and pondering Freud's famous question: what do women want?

David Baxter (not his real name) is a 40-year-old management consultant. Previously married for nine years, he joined a dating agency in the summer.

He says he's not perfect, but is told he's an eligible and pleasant guy with a lot to offer.

'I've had three successive dates recently with ladies in the late 30s to early 40s age bracket that have left me dumbfounded,' he said. 

 'I've never come across such massive egos, such arrogance and lack of basic courtesy.

'It was as if these particular dates were a forum for them to tell me how exceptional they were. One told me repeatedly how many young guys at the gym asked her out; another was very artificial.

'You sensed that they absolutely worshipped themselves, though none of them was drop-dead gorgeous or had amazing personalities, jobs or anything else to set them apart and elevate themselves into some superior position.

'I also thought it was quite telling that none of them had ever been married, engaged or had recently - or perhaps ever - been in a long-term relationship.

'I got the feeling that these women were living in a Sex And The City-inspired fantasy world. I also sensed that nobody would ever be good enough for them.

'They seem to be looking for something that doesn't exist: Mr. Perfect, or perhaps some larger-than-life, dashingly handsome and unattainable character such as that portrayed by Mr. Big. Nothing else will do.'

Despite his recent experience, David still considers himself lucky.

'I'm still positive about the whole thing, but I have friends who are not so optimistic and it's evident that encounters with these sort of women seriously erode their self-confidence, (personal comment: Foreign men always complain about how American women destroy their self-confidence, see Happier Abroad?s section of emails from foreign men who complain about this) which is a real shame. There are a lot of genuine, decent guys out there who are getting a rough deal.'

Neil Hay is a 32-year-old former professional golfer-turned-financial consultant who lives on the outskirts of Edinburgh.

After taking some time out following the death of his mother, he joined a dating agency almost a year ago.

'It's made me terribly cynical, not just about the way women are, but also about what on earth it is that they are looking for in a guy,' he said.

'Of course, we all have standards and preferences. There's nothing wrong with that. But most of us are also realistic. We know that Cheryl Cole is out of our league.

'I had been hoping to meet someone who was quite nice-looking, with a good personality, someone to go for dinner and to the cinema and have a decent conversation with. But I'm left feeling that this isn't what women are looking for.

'It's as if they want to be swept off their feet right from the first date, as if they're waiting for someone like Brad Pitt or George Clooney. They're not interested in a regular, normal, decent guy. That's not good enough for them.

'I spent three hours on a date with one woman. I thought we got on brilliantly, but then she said she didn't want to meet again.

'This has happened a few times. It makes me think that if you don't live up to their perfect fantasy, then that's it. It's game over before you've even had any chance to begin to get to know each other.

'It does dent your confidence. I'm left thinking either that there's something wrong with me or that I'll just never be whatever it is that these women are looking for.

'I know there are a lot of single women who say things like they're too independent, too feisty, too confident or too successful for men. Or they claim that men are intimidated by strong, intelligent and independent women. 'But this is simply not the case. I think they just tell themselves this. It's a way of rationalising things. It's as if it's easier for them to believe their own myths than to face reality - that they are completely ordinary.'


? End of the Expert Opinion Section



Great Internet Posts

A Post I Found at that Sums Up the Differences:

Honestly I wish I could have found an American wife with all the qualities of my foreign wife. I could not, because they do not exist. Here is a partial list of her loveliness


1: Sensible and good with money.
2: Genuine commitment.
3: Very family oriented.
4: She enjoys cooking and housework ? she feels it solidifies her role as caregiver.
5: Hard working.
6: She does not have to diet to look great


1: highest maintenance (I've never heard of a foreign bride demanding her husband buy expensive house & cars)
2: fattest in the world (To be fair, the men are too)
3: highest rate of divorce (60% - US-US marriages; 20% - US-foreign marriages)
4: largest payout in divorce court (you'll be stripped of just about all you?ve worked for?????

??? plus most of what you will earn for years to come)
5: most likely to nag constantly (Dr Laura Schlessinger talks about the ?nagging? problem with woman in America)
6: most likely to hate men (Occurs at a subconscious level so they don?t even realize they are this way)
7: worst at cooking and cleaning (Sad but true)


Some Comments I Found About ?Sex in the City?:


?Sex In The City? is fantasy world for western women. It reinforces that they are in control, that they can have endless supplies of money for shoes and clothes, that they can be promiscuous without consequences, and that they don't have to even be young or all that attractive to obtain all this.

?Sex In The City? is an offshoot of feminist orthodoxy. Women can do what they want, when they want, how they want, because, doggone it, they are women.

Three of those women are ugly, and one is just barely passable in my eye. My ex-Colombian wife would watch it, and wouldn?t understand the appeal. But it is an effective way to transmit trashy US values to women all over the world.

The feminist mantra of "You can have it all," confuses and exhausts women. When they think they make the right choice of a man, but the "fireworks" or "chemistry" goes away, they believe that they are being cheated out of a soulmate experience.

American women keep trying to obtain the unobtainable love goals created by Hollywood. It traps them in a cycle of doomed searches for "The right one."

A post I found that comes across as pretty crass but makes very valid points:

(In the post below, for those of you who may not know it,?. the term ?bar girls? is a common term given to Asian or Latina girls who work as prostitutes in bars in Southeast Asia or South America)


Jetman on August 25th, 2009 3:10 am


?While I agree with you that many of the foreigners in 3rd word countries who are sporting young girls around wouldn?t have a chance of doing so in developed countries, I would like to offer an alternate prospective. Most girls in US and Europe (especially eastern Europe) are no better than the bar girls here in the Philippines. In fact I find the bar girls here to be of higher integrity. GO to any ?high class? establishment in US or Euro and you couldn?t swing a cat without hitting a gold digging money grubbing bitch. All dressed up thinking she?s all that. She, just like the whores here, is on the same mission. Just looking for higher numbers and packaging her wares differently. And worst of all she will deny that?s what she is. At least the girls here admit they are broke ass whores with very little way to make it on their own. Western girls will suck every dime out of you and try to make you think it?s your duty to give her some kind of lifestyle she deserves. For doing what?! Being a demanding bitch? Then when you have had enough of her shit and want out, the real money sucking begins (if you were stupid enough to marry her without a prenup). ?I want half of all your shit? for which I contributed nothing. I am a quite successful and quite handsome guy myself. I have dated many hot girls in US and Euro including 2 playboy models. I own multiple homes in the US and have a high net worth. Yet I find the unassuming attitude and simplicity of the girls here a refreshing change from the entitlement attitude of western women. For you to belittle and stereotype all the foreigners with bar girls as losers, fails to recognize the fact that it is largely the gold digging whores of the western world that won?t give the time of day to a regular working stiff, that drive men here in the first place. Most western women have ample opportunity to get off their hot asses and make a life for themselves but prefer to be a gold digging whore and let someone else do it for them. Give me the simple unassuming whores of the Philippines any day.?


My personal observations about the above post?..While it?s a bit crass and abrasive, he really does hit on some valid truths. Let me explain??

I find it so amazingly ironic to hear American women often say ?Be careful, many of these foreign women are only after you for your money or a better life?. But these same American women fail to comprehend that most of them do EXACTLY the same thing but are actually far WORSE about it. I mean, talk about calling the kettle black (rolling eyes). Puhlease!! For example, most American women I know require a man to make a certain minimum income. Want proof? See American dating profiles at dating sites that allow for women to publish minimum income requirements such as at . You will see that most profiles DO list minimum income requirements! After all, a man must understand that she has certain material expectations that need to be met. No matter your good character, how you treat others, good father, good husband etc, without the $40K plus income and your WILLINGNESS to spend it on her during the dating process, you?re pretty much toast! Most men in America will agree that most American women get turned off if a guy doesn?t take her to an expensive restaurant when dining out during the dating process. Most men consider this ?common knowledge? and just a normal fact of life in the dating scene. But in my experience both in the states and abroad is that Foreign ladies don?t care about this. In fact, I find that most are just happy ?to have your time? and where you take her out or how much you spend is irrelevant!! To comprehend the degree of this problem, just go to any internet dating forums such as to see how MOST men complain about this. In these dating forums, I?m shocked to see how so many women will chime in about how they had no idea that ?so many? men felt this way about American women?s materialistic expectations. Personally, this leads me to think that many women are simply in denial or lack self awareness on this subject. Once again, in order to explain this lack of awareness, I like to refer to my favorite quote by Dr.Jean Twenge because it explains so many things regarding Americans? (men and women) lack of knowledge about so many things we address in this research report. ?A fish doesn?t know its in water?. If American men had ?real? experience dating foreign ladies, they would see this difference. Personally, I did not know realize these differences until I dated foreign women.?




Dating Imbalances in the USA


Online Dating Insider


The Male/Female Ratio of Online Dating


One of the facts of online dating is that there are more men than women online. For example, recently told ABC News that 59% of their subscribers are men and 41% are women. You can confirm the ratio yourself by doing searches for profiles.

The high male/female ratio of online dating is not the fault of the online dating services, but it reflects the unfortunate realities of the real world. Over a decade ago I recall reading a New York Times article that stated that there were approximately 6 single men in their twenties for every five single women.

How is this possible? Aren't there an approximately equal number of boy and girl babies born each year? The biggest contributor to the skewed ratio is serial polygamy. A man in his twenties marries a woman in her twenties, then in his thirties he divorces her and marries another woman in her twenties, then in his forties he marries another women in her twenties. This happens. I have a friend who's in his fifties and his current wife is in her twenties.

There is also parallel polygamy. A woman I know, when she was in her twenties, knew a guy who had two girlfriends at the same time (neither, of course, knew of the other one's existence). And at the same time, he was also hitting on her, trying to bring his harem up to three!

What's going on in the real world is reflected in the virtual world of online dating. In fact, it's skewed worse than in the real world, because online dating sites attract a much greater percentage of people who have trouble finding dates. So not only will there be more men, there will be more undesirable (for whatever reasons) members of both sexes.

Men who use online dating services will initially try to contact the few women they are interested in. But because the desirable women receive more emails than they can respond to, male subscribers eventually figure out that they have to send out massive numbers of emails because the response rate is so low. So we wind up in the situation we're in now. Female subscribers to online dating services receive more emails than they can respond to, and male subscribers send out large numbers of emails and rarely get a response.

(Personal note ? I found many American woman profiles where woman said things very similar to this? ?Well i just joint with this website but i was suprise coz i got almost 400 message of guys from this website thats crazy !!!! but i cant read all thats messages thats too much for me. yes, i'm hot and sexy Asian woman?)


Women actually complain about this, but I think they are in a far better situation than men. If you are a man, how do you fix the problem? The answer is that you need to move to Manhattan. There are more single women in Manhattan than men. If you do searches in for Manhattan, you will find about 50% more female profiles than male profiles. The opposite of the ratio for the rest of the United States.

Living in Manhattan and using, I've been quite happy with how many women respond to my emails. And being a nerdy IT professional, I'm not a high priority catch for most women. They'd rather be going out with the good looking athletic men. You also get to meet women of a caliber you'd never find in Phoenix, Arizona, like graduates of Harvard and Yale law schools.


Internet Dating in America Doesn?t Work for Men


There is some evidence that there may be a difference on how women online rate male attractiveness as opposed to how men rate female attractiveness. The distribution of ratings given by men of female attractiveness appears to look like a standard bell curve (normal distribution), while ratings of men given by women is highly skewed with 80% of the men rated as below average.[20] This shows women are genuinely more picky than men when it comes to online dating. It could also potentially arise from women assessing other profile characteristics besides appearance, like their occupation for example.


Seattle Times Article - Stay away, American Women, say British men




Then I read to him excerpts of what his male countrymen who had lived in the U.S. had to say about American women.


One came from James Brown, 36, a London magazine editor:


"American Women. You can only spend so long with one before you crack. They're out there, they're loud, they're bitter and they're kooky. After a while all the things that attracted you to them: confidence, conversation, nice teeth, begin to bug you. You think you've got Black Beauty and you end up with Mr. Ed."


And so Steve tells me that, well, yes, he had a bit of getting used to in the American dating scene.


It's not that he hasn't found love in the U.S. of A. It's been a little over a week since he really fell for Vicki Milby, 22, who is 100 percent American.


Anyway, Steve says that he had to get used to knowing that American women reserve the right to date a whole bunch of guys at the same time. It's not like that in England. There, when you really like a girl (and pardon me, but English guys don't say "women," they talk about dating a girl), then you don't go out with half a dozen others.


And something else. That first date with an American girl, it's like it's supposed to be a big-time dinner, instead of just going to a pub with friends. So you end up dropping like $90 while she's doing her checklist.


I talk to Vicki, and she tells me she thinks American women can come across as a bit too much. "They want to be equal so much it can be overpowering?


Then there is Martin, 42, who grew up in Bristol. He's been in the U.S. for three years and is six months out of a divorce. He'd rather not have his last name in the paper, what with his ex still around and all that.


I read Martin what his countrymen say about American women, and he totally agrees. (He also has found that a British accent is a fantastic woman magnet here.)

But that American Woman! Mama, let me be!


One of the first questions is always: "What car do I drive?" Martin says. "If I have the latest BMW or drive a Chevy, does it make a difference? And they want to know what apartment you live in. Do you live in Bellevue, because if you tell them you live in Everett, they don't want to know you."


Here is a final comment in the Daily Mail from Oliver Bennett, 43, remembering a dinner-date with an American woman:


"It was like being with a nasty bank manager, rather than someone with whom you hope to sleep. ...?.



Proof That Single Men Outnumber Single Women in America








By Nancy Anne Jeffrey



Dec. 8 ? Adam Rosen has a law degree from Villanova and trained in psychology
at Harvard. He?s also handsome and has a passion for social causes. But there?s
one thing the 37-year-old bachelor doesn?t have in his life: candidates to be
Mrs. Rosen.

?I thought I?d be married by 30,? says the Boston therapist. ?This is a great
divergence from what I imagined my life would be.?

There?s a new biological clock out there ? the one ticking inside
bachelors. After decades in which men statistically had the upper hand in the
dating world, the demographics have reversed: For a big chunk of the dating
pool ? people ages 30 to 44 ? the number of single men and women are now about
even, or in some cases, slightly tipped in women?s favor. The odds are
especially dismal for men looking for younger mates:


By 2010, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, men in their late 30s and early 40s will outnumber women five to 10 years younger by two to one.

(Guys, this is why its all about LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION! 2 to 1, if you?re a single man in this age range in America you may as well pack it in.)


What?s happening here is a subtle but significant change in the birth
rate. While the numbers of men and women born every year are roughly the same,
the overall birthrate dropped 40% from 1955 to 1973. Because more than half of
all men marry younger women, that means their pool of prospects shrinks a bit
every year. ?The tables have turned,? says Sherry Cooper, an economist who has
written about demographic shifts. ?Guys in that 35-year-old range are going to
have a harder time.?

Matchmakers and dating companies are already seeing the impact. Social
Circles, a New York singles group, has seen membership among 35-to 44-year old
men soar 25-fold since it started in 1997, while women in the same age group
grew at about half that rate. At It?s Just Lunch, which pairs professionals,
the percentage of female membership dropped 9% in the last three years. And
online firm is so anxious to recruit women, it started a new ad
campaign to find more. The pitch: Women no longer have to rely on ?fate? or
?destiny? to find the right mate.

?We?re all chasing after the same women,? says Jim Hague, a 33-year-old Web
designer from California who says he got only a handful of daily e-mails from
some online services.


(Personal commentary: He is right. Just as Winston says in his Happier Abroad intro, most men are chasing after the top 25% of women? 75% of Americans are overweight so only 25% of the remaining women are thin. No guys I know are chasing after overweight women, but women will chase after overweight men because they are not as visual as men are, and because they are more attracted to money than a man?s physical appearance)


His female friends, however, got 200 e-mails a day. ?They can easily delete you,?


(Personal commentary: Exactly! Women have the upper hand in America)


Mr. Hague says. Indeed, 40-year-old Suzanne Mulroy got so many e-mails from her service that she put it on hold. ?I thought I?d get a response,? Ms. Mulroy says, ?but I didn?t think I was going to get this deluge.?

All of which, of course, is a significant shift from the 1980s; at the
start of that decade, for example, there were about 1.3 women for every
eligible man from 35 to 44. The odds were even better for the narrower group of
men in their late 30s dating women in their early 30s: Almost two women for
every single man. Many people still remember the 1986 Newsweek article that
famously, if controversially, declared that a single, college-educated,
40-year-old woman had a better chance of being killed by a terrorist than of
ever tying the knot.

But in the years since, the odds have gotten worse for the one-time
. Far from an abundance of bachelorettes, today there?s a small
shortage ? for every million thirty something women, there is a surplus of
80,000 men of the same age
. Men looking for younger women will find even more
competition: Within nine years, there will be one woman 30 to 34 for every two men 35 to 44, according to one set of projections by the U.S. Census.

How did this shift occur? For starters, with more women than men on the
dating scene, men played the field and postponed marriage ? sometimes until
their 40s, much later than previous generations. The percentage of 35- to
44-year-old bachelors almost tripled from 1980 to 2000, according to the U.S. Census Bureau?s Current Population Surveys.
Thinking they had tons of options, especially as divorce rates grew, some men got pickier, too, demanding not only good looks but also good jobs from their mates. That narrowed the field even

more: By one estimate, men in their early 30s making $75,000 or more outnumber
women of the same earning power two to one.

All the while, pop culture only perpetuated the belief that men had the
advantage, with shows like ?Sex and the City? and novels like ?Bridget Jones?s Diary? harping on themes of the desperate, single women. And lots of people still believe it.
?Men feel they have the upper hand,? says Lisa Doherty, a 40-year-old public-relations executive. When she?s gone on dates, Ms. Doherty
says men have told her they want a younger woman.

But slowly, evidence of the shift is cropping up. Take personal ads, the
quintessential dating device of the ?80s and ?90s. While the ratio of men to
women placing ads varies from city to city, many towns are seeing notable jumps
in male advertisers. At Chicago Magazine, for example, the percent of personals
placed by women skidded 38% in just two years. During the past three years, the
percentage of men placing personal ads in the Cleveland Plain Dealer jumped
14%, according to People2People Group, a firm that creates personals.

Other men are going where experts say they need to ? older women. When polled its members earlier this year, the company discovered that its average male client is now willing to date a woman three years his senior, up from two a few years ago. At ?It?s Just Lunch?, men 35 to 43 are now asking to date women 36 to 40 ? up about four years from a decade ago.




The Women Shortage


Dennis Mangan has some posts about the Woman Shortage.


I've known about this phenomenon for a long time, but this is the first I knew that it had a name with capital letters.


There are 105 boy babies for every 100 girl babies (at least I assume this based on the male to female ratio of ages 0 to 5 in the US Census).


The ratio of single (defined as separated or not married) men to single women in lower age brackets becomes even larger because of serial polygamy, which is the tendency of some older men to divorce and marry a lot younger.


Using the 2000 U.S. Census data, and looking only at respondents who claimed to be white, in the age bracket of 18-29, there are 119 single men for every 100 single women.


It doesn't get much better for men in their thirties. For white people aged 30-39, there are 117 single men for every 100 single women.


As we see, dating life is much harder for under-40-year-old men than it is for women.



More U.S. Marriages are Unhappy


From New York Times editorial page July 16, 1999

Marriage Loses in 'Divorce Culture'

To the Editor:

"... society's greater acceptance of divorce may
itself be contributing to the decline in marital happiness. A study
published in the Journal of Family Issues recently concluded that "by
adopting attitudes that provide greater freedom to leave unsatisfying
marriages, people may be increasing the likelihood that their marriages
will become unsatisfying in the long run."

It seems that the divorce culture feeds on itself, creating a one-way
downward spiral of unhappiness and failure.

David Brenner
New York, July 14, 1999
The writer is associate director of the Institute for American Values.


The "Mail-Order Bride" Industry and its Impact on U.S. Immigration

Robert J. Scholes, PhD with the assistance of Anchalee Phataralaoha, MA

This research was funded under purchase order COW-8-P-0233 from the Immigration and Naturalization Service. The analyses and conclusions presented do not necessarily represent the official position or policy of the Immigration and Naturalization Service.


The Women

An analysis of the listings in recent issues of five popular catalogs featuring 1,400 Asian women found that 70 percent were Filipino (despite the fact that Republic Act No. 6955 makes such listings illegal), many of whom are "in-service" as domestic workers in other countries, 16 percent Indonesian, 8 percent Thai, 2 percent Malaysian and Japanese, and 1 percent Chinese and Korean. In terms of age, 20 percent are 16-20 years of age, 41 percent are 21-25, 24 percent are 26-30, 11 percent 31-35, and just 4 percent are over the age of 35. That is, for the Asian women, 61 percent are under the age of 25. There is a large difference in ages between these Asian women and their counterparts from the former Soviet Union. For the 1,700 Soviet women listed currently by Cherry Blossoms, just 8 percent are under 20, 23 percent between 21 and 25, 25 percent between 26 and 30, 20 percent from 31 to 35, 14 percent from 36 to 40, 7 percent aged 41 to 45, and 3 percent over 45. That is, just 31 percent are under 25 compared to the 61 percent of Asian women.

Why do foreign women want American husbands? Many sources suggest that these women are searching for a "better life" in terms of socio-economic factors--they do, for the most part, come from places in which jobs and educational opportunities for women are scarce and wages are low. However, when the women themselves are asked this question, the answer generally indicates an attraction to American men (they look like movie stars) and an aversion to native men. Americans, they say, make good husbands while Filipino (Thai/Indonesian/Russian/etc.) men do not. Americans are thought to be faithful to their wives, while the native men are cruel and run around with other women. True or not, this is the perception.

(Personal commentary: Despite this evidence, most Americans continue to believe the stereotypes that for these foreign women, it?s all about a green card or money.)

Success Rates for International Services

In a survey done for this report we sent e-mails to 102 of the services and received replies from 28. We asked what percentage of their female clients married U.S. men.

Few agencies kept any records of engagements or marriages; some because they are too new for their clients to have had time to marry, some because they have no interest in following up on their listings. Of those that provided estimates of marriages, the ones listing predominately women from Russia and the former Soviet Union countries provided the highest figures--10 percent to 40 percent. Those whose women were largely from the Philippines and Asian countries gave lower estimates--none to 5 percent. In most cases, these estimates were for marriages to men from any country, not specifically the United States.

The only agency that provided firm statistics was Encounters International. This agency has been in business since 1993 and presents 450 Russian women in its current listing. They report 102 marriages to date between Russian women and U.S. men and, in addition, keep records of births, divorces, and locations of the couples. If it is assumed that the agency's listings have remained relatively constant at about 500 women each of the five years of its existence, then 102 of the 2,500 women, or approximately 4 percent, have found and married American men.

According to a report from the Commission on Filipinos Overseas (Paredes-Maceda, 1995) mail-order brides constitute 10 percent of the marriages between Filipinos and foreign nationals. Between 1989 and 1994, 95,000 Filipino men and women were engaged to be married to foreigners, the great majority of whom met their partners through work or personal introductions. Of the foreign men who married Filipinos, 44 percent were U.S. citizens.

According to the women themselves (in written replies to a 1996 questionnaire from the author), approximately 10 percent of these women are successful--they find and marry a man through the service. There are, then, around 10,000 marriages a year between women listed by these agencies and men who use the services. Of these 10,000, around 4,000 involve U.S. men. The remainder is distributed among Canadian, Australian, European, and, increasingly, Japanese clients.

Based on these data, we may estimate that 4 percent of the 100,000 to 150,000 women seeking U.S. husbands through international services find them; that is, "mail-order bride" and e-mail correspondence services result in 4,000 to 6,000 marriages between U.S. men and foreign brides each year.

This figure, 4,000 to 6,000, represents an increase from previous estimates (e.g., the estimate of 2,000 to 3,500 given by Kadohata, 1990) due, no doubt, to the recent increase in both e-mail correspondence services and the agencies specializing in Russian and Ukrainian women.

Impact on U.S. Marriages

According to data supplied by the U.S. Census Bureau, there were 2,395,000 marriages in the U.S. in the 12 months ending June, 1997 (and 1,154,000 divorces in the same period). The 4,000 to 6,000 marriages involving international services represent, then, a tiny portion (.021 percent) of the women who marry U.S. men.


It is interesting to note that, based largely on data provided by the agencies themselves (along with the Commission on Filipinos Overseas report cited above), marriages arranged through these services would appear to have a lower divorce rate than the nation as a whole, fully 80 percent of these marriages having lasted over the years for which reports are available.




The important thing to come away with in this Research Section of ?why date abroad? is to realize that America is a culture in a state of moral and social decline. The researchers cited have shown that narcissism has infected our culture. As noted by Dr. Jean Twenge and Dr. Jean Campbell (America's leading social psychologists), the rise in narcissism has occurred mainly among American women, and a far lesser extent with men. Keep in mind that the prime components of narcissism are vanity, selfishness, and materialism. 


For starters, feminism has made women masculine. As documented in this project, the latest research shows that women are now equal in masculinity with men. Secondly, as quoted by America's leading relationship expert, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, "Feminism promotes the elevation of women without men (and children without fathers) and dismisses men as 'unnecessary'. Feminism also promotes an image of men as 'dangerous'.? And she is referring to ?dangerous? in a predatory sense. Nowhere else in the world do women subconsciously view men in such a fearful, disdainful, and predatory light. It is totally unprecedented.


Dr. Laura Schlessinger also states the following in her book: "The effects of feminism have certainly not contributed to the kind of positive disposition that women need in order to function healthily within a monogamous, heterosexual committed relationship". She further states, "Since the 1960?s, the so-called liberation of women has proven itself to be a liberation from just about everything that could possibly be of value for a women and for the society she influences." Dr. Schlessinger also believes that "Feminism is not only responsible for the deterioration of the family, but also for the disintegration of intimacy between men and women". (source - She is just one of many American experts who argues this point. 


Setting aside expert opinion, let?s look at common sense. If you will notice, the countries most infected with feminist ideals are also the countries with the world leading divorce rates, with the United States at the very top. That is by no means a coincidence. Feminism has destroyed the family unit in America, and as a result, we have a country in moral decline with single parent households being the norm rather than the exception. If that?s not proof enough of the disastrous effects that feminism has on societies then I don?t know what is.


In addition, it is interesting to note that the research has proven that the divorce rate is far higher in marriages where men marry women who ascribe to feminist values than women who stand by traditional values. In fact, America's most renounced relationship expert, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, has been quoted as saying, "American women are the ones digging their own graves where their failing marriages are concerned." The double whammy of narcissism and feminism that has infected American women in the last 4 decades has led to the destruction of the most important societal anchor of any culture - the family unit. Unfortunately, American women have brought these problems upon themselves due to the unsatisfying way they are teaching themselves to live - which is, in essence, a self-centered way. 


Another major conclusion this research has shown is that America has the worst and most hostile dating environment for the American male. Women have all - the power and choices - for several reasons. For starters, men outnumber women by 20 percent, creating a shortage of available females. In turn, women can afford to become picky and choosy and develop a spoiled attitude. In addition, the infection of feminism into our culture makes many women subconsciously hostile towards men, much more emotionally independent (i.e. they don?t need a man), fearful, and unreceptive to men. This makes it very hard for men to approach women in everyday life because they can sense the vibe that American women put off that they don't want to be approached. But this is not the case in most other cultures of the world, where women give a vibe of friendliness, receptiveness, and approachability. As such, they do not convey the attitude of "Why is this creep trying to talk to me?" 


Also, unlike most American women, most foreign women are humble, appreciative and have great family values. They truly "need" men and appreciate whatever you can do for them, however small it might be. And unlike with most American women, how much money you have or how much you are willing to spend on them is not a significant influential factor in their decision on whether to date you or not. Examples of this can be seen in their online dating profiles.


Foreign women profiles typically state, "I am looking for a man who will accept me for who I am" or "I am looking for someone to love me and care for me". And it?s not uncommon to receive a message from a foreign lady that says "Thank you for viewing my profile" or "Thank you for writing to me". I have never in my 20 years of internet dating received any messages like that from American women. I don?t know about most men, but I myself prefer humble appreciative women over unappreciative hard-to-please narcissistic women. And one wonders why the divorce rate is only 20% with foreign ladies vs. 60% with American women. It doesn?t take a rocket scientist to figure this out.


Another interesting note is that being a basic "good guy? actually wins the day with foreign ladies as opposed to in America, where it?s often the ?bad boy? player types who win the day because the average "good guy? is too boring for many American women. Then after the player types are done using them (as both Dr. Jean Twenge and Dr. Laura Schlessinger talk about in their research) they are left with emotional scars caused by being used, and cycling through so many relationships. This makes them more unstable in future relationships. What puts the mind in boggle overdrive is when these same women then have the gall to proclaim, "Where have all the good guys gone?" 


Lastly, foreign women take marriage seriously and will go to incredible lengths to stay with their man, while on the other hand, as the American researchers have proven, many American women will leave their man at the drop of a hat, especially if the cash runs low. In fact, the research shows that American women initiate divorce 67% of the time and studies show that the reasons are not attributable to abuse, as feminists attempt to misportray. The reasons given by most of the women are along the lines of: "I want to spread my wings" or "I?ve outgrown him" or "I don?t need him anymore" or "I don?t love him anymore".


For marriage-minded men (especially those in their 30's and older), it is necessary to step outside your comfort zone and think outside the box and dip your toes into international dating waters and find how easy and rewarding it can be. I?ll be very frank in saying that just about all men I know who married a foreign woman are still extremely happy many years on. On the other hand, almost all the men I know who married an American woman are either divorced, or if still married, unhappily so. Very few American men I know are truly happy in their marriage and of course the research reflects this. This explains why the USCIS quotes a divorce rate of 20% between American men and foreign ladies compared to a 50-60% divorce rate between American men and American women. 


So go abroad guys. You don?t have to sign up with an agency to do this. There are plenty of international dating sites on the net for meeting foreign ladies. Airfares are cheaper than you might think. As any man who has experienced dating foreign ladies will tell you, it?s the best thing they ever did for themselves. The difference is like night and day. Good luck fellas!





Steve Neese

Happier Abroad Research Specialist


Other Links by Steve Neese:


Testimonial and Story

Dating Profiles Comparison of American vs. Foreign Women

Interview with Steve Neese by Steve Hoca

Interview with Steve Neese by Mark Davis

Interview with Steve Neese on A Foreign Affair Video Show

Happier Abroad Profile

Website: Global Dating Solution



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