MarcosZeitola wrote:
What I would worry about, if I was in this particular situation, would be her age and fertility; she has three children already, you have none. At the age of 40, fertility issues and birth complications are a very real risk. You and me are the same age; do you wish to ever have a biological child of your own? If so, what is your lady's position on this, and if not: does it not feel... well, a bit sad?
I am not judging you here, brother, I am just speaking from the heart. Fatherhood is an amazing experience, and many men have been amazing fathers to adoptive children and step- or fosterkids, but... it's not the same, at the end of the day, as a child who is biologically yours. It's a very primal thing, I suppose. Not all men have it, not even all women have it, but most do. You are 25 now, still young. It may not weigh heavily on your decisions today, but one day in the future it might. Think of that day.
At the end of the day, true love is blind, it is not logical, it is not something we can explain. It's just... there. You found it, I hope it stays with you and that you are able to hold on to it and cherish it. But do not forget yourself in this. Life is long, and some of the choices we make, for better or worse, we carry with us as long as we live. The age difference is not a bad thing in itself, there are many couples with (large) age differences who work very well together. The the older man, younger woman couple is the more common one, for a very simple biological reason: the older man and his younger woman can still have children of their own, together. In most cases, the younger man and the older woman cannot. For some young men, this is fine; they love their woman, they stick with her no matter what.
Most of the times, however, the younger man will leave his woman after some time for a younger woman. This drive to reproduce seems to be biologically hard-wired into the male brain. It is why so many older, well-to-do men leave their woman for "trophy wives" at some point... your relationship, from an emotional point of view, is more "equal". At the same time, it is the sort of relationship that is more beneficial to the woman then it is to the man, in a number of aspects. You give the best years of your life to a woman who already gave her best years to another man. For me, this would be a troubling thought. Now, mind you: I am a different person, with different drives and motivations. But it's something I always think about, when I see an older woman, younger man relationship.
Thanks for your great advice Marcos. I always enjoy reading your posts.
1. Yes, the ex is indeed completely out of the picture. He's never really been interested in the children, and our daughter doesn't him.
2. Yes, one issue is that I'll have to decide really quickly whether I want to have a biological child with her or not. She has personally told that she wants one with me too. She says that ultimately it's my decisions and won't pressure me to do anything, but I feel that she'd be really happy to have a child with me. We will have to go to a fertility specialist of course. She has 5 more years left.
3. I do completely understand the biological vs. foster child issue, and I personally have many of the same thoughts as you.
4. I do recognize that the drive to seek a younger, fertile woman is hard-wired into the male brain, but I really think that in my case, that was been strongly overwritten by many things that have happened in my life. In addition to be being able to connect with many younger women, I also keep ending up with women who are like mother figures or at least a big sister. It's not like I'm consciously looking for them. I just keep ending up with them.
I have never been with a woman my age or younger than me (except for one Mexican girl that I knew back when I was 18), and the thought of trading them for younger ones because of age has never crossed my mind, even when I'm somewhat older now at age 25.
