How Do You Guys Deal with Loneliness?

[Twobrains]

I've known deep loneliness and extreme depression. Matters improved hugely when I developed a better relationship with myself. I used to be perfectionist and highly self-critical. I used to think way too much, going round in circles. If you want to PM me I can recommend a source of help.

[Dark_Sol]

......So, I said f**k it and grabbed a ticket. Now here I am, meeting girls. Some good, some bad, but I get more attention with girls than when I was in the US.

Try having a group of college girls giggling when they past you and then one turns around. Walks up to you and wants your phone number. Makes you feel like you are worth something, or just walking in a internet cafe and the girl there always smiles at you and nice to you (she gives you here phone number after appearing there a few times).

Ethiopia?

Yup, just have to learn who are the bad eggs. Learning real quick though.

[Andrewww]

Glad it's working out for you, a few months ago you were fed up with life in the US.

[magnum]

You do something about it.

I have yet to rid my self of the loneliness, but life is far better while attempting to fix it and working to fix it, than just reflecting on it.

Trust me, I waited years suffering, just pick a date to start fixing it and go, and never stop, at least don't take any steps back, always move forward to your goal.

I'm here in china, didn't get a single date, but I'm a better person for what I've seen and experienced, trust me, life isn't worth living unless you live it, simply existing is no way to live.

[Unhappily Single]

Sorry it took so long to respond to you guys. But thanks to everyone who posted. Good stuff, all of you. I actually do have my passport. I have been abroad. Only it was in Western Europe. Last August I went to Spain, and this July I am going to Italy. Though I had a good time over in Spain, I unfortunately... didn't get anywhere with the local females. I'm trying to be optimistic, but... I wonder if I'll fare much better in Italy. Because hasn't it become highly feminized as well, at least in recent years? Spain has for sure. Perhaps I should make my next trip to a non-feminized country. But (and again I'm really trying to be optimistic)... it seems that the list is growing shorter and shorter.

I've tried outlets for FWB. But none of them were successful. I don't know anybody in real life who would be open to such a thing (as most of the females I know are married or attached). I've tried websites, and even posted an ad on Craigslist (as bad as that may sound). I got almost ZERO results with it. The only responses I ever got were from bots and spammers, trying to get me to join some pay webcam site (after having already joined the pay FWB website); or from guys (even though I put in my ad that I was straight). I messaged women on those sites, and on Craigslist, either to get ignored, or to get some lame-a*s response like "I'm only on here because I have friends on here." WTF!?

Escorts... I've thought about those. I really have. I used to think that only losers "paid for it." Although over the past few years I've... rethought that kind of thing. The only problem with that is... I don't live in a place like Atlantic City, Reno, or even NYC. Where that kind of thing is legal. Or even decriminalized. And I don't live near any of those place, so it's not like I can hop in my car and drive to a place like that. Oh sure, it exists in some places. I'm sure there are Asian massage parlors around. The problem is, I don't know where they are, or even where to look. And since those are illegal, they always have undercover cops around setting up stings (like they're in a position to say anything about it, but that's another topic altogether). And if I was caught, I'd go to jail. Which I'd rather not have happen to me. Am I saying it's right? No, I'm not. But... where I live it's just the way it is.

But anyway, all that being said... I appreciate all the advice from all you guys. I will definitely keep it in mind. Thank you again!

[Winston]

I was wondering something. Why is it that if you are alone and no one is around you - such as when you are in the middle of the desert - you don't feel lonely or isolated? It's only when there's lots of people around you who are all ignoring you and in cliques or in a bubble, that you feel lonely and isolated.

Why is that? Any of you notice this and wonder about it?

[Winston]

[Jester]

I was wondering something. Why is it that if you are alone and no one is around you - such as when you are in the middle of the desert - you don't feel lonely or isolated? It's only when there's lots of people around you who are all ignoring you and in cliques or in a bubble, that you feel lonely and isolated.

Why is that? Any of you notice this and wonder about it?

Yeah it seems to make me feel lonely if I am around people, yet I don't fit into the crowd in some way -- out of place.

[Winston]

Does this help?

How to be alone without feeling lonely

[Winston]

Here is a classic oldie song from the 70's dedicated to lonely people called "Lonely People" by America. It's a great classic with nice words. I guess even in the 70's, there were lonely people to dedicate this too, though probably not as many as today.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NiWA_7EmRk[/youtube]

Another classic hit song dedicated to lonely people is called "Piano Man" by Billy Joel. Listen to the lyrics. They are good and talk about how lonely people are at bars drinking off their loneliness, pain and regret. That's the sad life of America, especially with no human connection in a society where no one cares about you.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEPV4kolz0[/youtube]

[USA_luxury_prison]

Here is a classic oldie song from the 70's dedicated to lonely people called "Lonely People" by America. It's a great classic with nice words. I guess even in the 70's, there were lonely people to dedicate this too, though probably not as many as today.

Another classic hit song dedicated to lonely people is called "Piano Man" by Billy Joel. Listen to the lyrics. They are good and talk about how lonely people are at bars drinking off their loneliness, pain and regret. That's the sad life of America, especially with no human connection in a society where no one cares about you.

So all this chaos and loneliness in America has been around for quite some time? When do you think things in America started to go downhill? What do you think is the main thing that caused people to suffer this loneliness here in America? I haven't done my research as much as you that's why I ask.

[gsjackson]

Here is a classic oldie song from the 70's dedicated to lonely people called "Lonely People" by America. It's a great classic with nice words. I guess even in the 70's, there were lonely people to dedicate this too, though probably not as many as today.

Another classic hit song dedicated to lonely people is called "Piano Man" by Billy Joel. Listen to the lyrics. They are good and talk about how lonely people are at bars drinking off their loneliness, pain and regret. That's the sad life of America, especially with no human connection in a society where no one cares about you.

So all this chaos and loneliness in America has been around for quite some time? When do you think things in America started to go downhill? What do you think is the main thing that caused people to suffer this loneliness here in America? I haven't done my research as much as you that's why I ask.

Lot of factors. The biggest? Maybe technology, starting with the radio in the '20s. Everybody went inside to their private spaces. Suburbanization (in large part a product of post-WWII single-use zoning practices), the private automobile, TV, air conditioning, the personal computer and smart phone. All took people away from face-to-face interaction, and Americans, more than any other people, always surrendered up their lifestyles whole-hog to whatever new technology came along.

The growing "culture of narcissism" certainly contributed. And Winston, that term as well as the "me decade" were both coined in the '70s. Everything you discuss in this forum was around then. In my recollection -- and I remember all of this -- the early '70s was probably the time when things seemed to change the most from sociability to atomized individualism. The main technology innovation at that time was everybody getting central air conditioning, which may seem like a minor thing, but prior to its arrival most everybody in American neighborhoods went out to their front steps in the summer evenings and socialized. Soon enough Americans barely even knew their neighbors, and by the time internet use was widespread they lived in virtual neighborhoods, scarcely even noticing whomever might be in physical proximity.

"The Piano Man" came out in '76, the same year Tom Wolfe coined "the me decade." As I said, most of these trends go back to the 1920s, but the '70s was when everything crystallized and we were suddenly living in the brave new world of personal bubbles.

[Winston]

Thats a great analysis gsjackson. But how come technology doesnt change us here on HA? I have a smart phone but it doesnt make me antisocial toward strangers. Why am i immune?

I only noticed america change in 1982 when we moved to fremont, ca. After that people seem mean spirited and spoiled. Before that i lived in the kind world of Disney in palo alto and san jose.

It seems that in the 70s it was ok to be honest about loneliness and sing about it. Billy joel even sang a song about how no one was honest, called "Honesty". Remember it? "Honesty is such a lonely word, everyone is so untrue..." However that song also said that love and tenderness was easy to find. Maybe it was in the 70s? How can love and tenderness be easy to find?

[Winston]

Dont u hate how in America youre always excluded from everything and every group? Its like no one likes u or cares for u or even validates u. Terrible feeling beyond words.

What i hate most about taiwan and america is that u feel excluded from everything, unwanted. And when u say hi to girls theres a cold wall. They ignore u and dislike strangers.

Also when ur around young people or young groups, u get this vibe that they all think ur not good enough to get any dates. Period. Like ur not dating material and no girls want u. U can feel it that thats what they think.

Why put up with people who dislike u and dont want u? Its foolish and illogical.

Its a terrible feeling. I could never accept it. Always feeling excluded and unwanted and powerless to do anything about it. Its not even my fault yet i suffer for it. Doesnt make sense. How does god allow that?

[El_Caudillo]

To the OP. I'm starting to believe that your problems - extreme loneliness and seven years without sex are not that uncommon. What I experienced in my own country was that even people in twenties would just latch onto the first person they met and get into a serious relationship even if the person wasn't perfect - they did this as they seemed to instinctively know that there wouldn't be many chances. Not exactly ideal in my opinion, but there it is.

For me the best way to deal with loneliness is activity, physical activity. For example I had nobody to hang with on Saturday so I just started walking - five hours later I was still walking...but having visual stimulus away from my apartment helped. On of the best books I read about loneliness was the Grass Arena By John Healy...about how the author used Alcohol and then Chess to fill the void.