Advice with Asian wife

[Yohan]

...She and even my former boss said I am the problem as my former boss scolded me for hitting her twice and told me real men do not hit women

.....she has hitted me a lot of times for more than two years and I never fought back.

.....Two months is not a lot of months, although I told her that this is not how one solves problems as this is perfect recipe for destroying it.

.....I go after my wife because I truly love her. When I got married, I swore full commitment and never coward from it like my father did and abandon my mother, my sister and I for another woman and be an absent father

.....That is because most Japanese men and also from what I observed in North Americans when I was in the US is that once it gets heated bad, they run away and coward from it

.....Please read about my wife´s past and about her being a former escort. and let me know about it. I want to ask you how Japanese society views a man like me being married to an escort? In my country, society looks down a lot as this is a Catholic country

I also with my permission, you can tell to your wife my story and what she thinks about my wife´s behaviour and who is mostly at fault here? I thank you with anticipation, as well as for your advices. Well, I thank all of you for trying to help.

Your former boss is an idiot and a mangina, who thinks women cannot do anything wrong. There is no obligation to listen to such nonsense, self defense is always OK, regardless if the aggressor is a man or a woman.

Openly said, 2 months is a lot of time, I would be careful if we talk about 2 days or even 2 weeks, but 2 months is too much to repair a relationship.

Love makes blind, and you should not compare your father with yourself - in your case you would divorce an abusive woman without children.
To 'run away' from an abusive woman is not wrong - it is much better to move away early than to wait until a violent situation escalates and ending in a hospital with emergency services, police and with courts and jail.

The Japanese society has very little consideration for any form of Christianity, which is a tiny minority, usually of Japanese people from the Southern Kyushu Island and of some Koreans born in Japan. Islam almost not existing.
This is a Buddhist/Shinto country and people - both men and women - do not see anything wrong with escort services, quite similar to Thailand. Many women try, many give up, some when getting older try to open a bar or similar business to act as a go-between for male customers and females willing to do this job.

About marriage in Metropolitan Tokyo with up to 38 million people during rush hours? Who knows who is who, and if you decide to live in a large condominium building, even your neighbor will not know who you are and has no idea about your past.

About your question, who is mostly at fault, I don't think, this question makes any sense. I do not know you personally and same with your wife. I do not know her either.

I can only say, what I read so far - you both do not fit together. Both of you should go their own way, looking for new contacts and to forget each other.

[zboy1]

Tapatio, I'm a Korean American currently living in China, so I have some understanding of Asian culture. First of all, personally, I would never have married a women who was an escort, because they tend to be somewhat unbalanced in the first place. Anyway, your wife sounds very vindictive and nasty, no offense.

She definitely doesn't sound like a typical Japanese women. Since you have stated you want to fix your relationship with your wife, the first thing you must do is try to regain your dominance over her. You are the man! Not her. If she doesn't like it, tell her to get lost. That's the only way to get her to respect you again.

It could be, she might have some sort of mental illness. Could that be a possibility? If not, Asian women, in general, tend to be a little crazy anyway, and once they become abusive, they won't change. Once they go from being sweet to being nuts, they're far too gone. Also, I agree with Yohan when he said that the best bet for you is to leave her. I wouldn't stick around.

Another problem is that Asian culture is the polar opposite of Latin culture; whereas the former is strict, rigid and all about saving face, Latin culture is more open, fun and looser than Asian cultures. She needs to become less 'Asian' and more 'Latin' in her thinking, if that will help. How to achieve this? I'm sorry to say, I have no answers.

[droid]

...

Wtf dude? how can you love someone that has cheated, lied, and physically abused you? It can not be, by definition. Snap out of it.
You swore commitment under big lies, so you are not really bound to your marriage.

All your jealousy is justified, don't blame yourself. What she's done is NOT normal in the context of love and marriage. You do not marry or keep whores, period.
BPDs are very good at two-facing, so your former boss or coworkers will have a different perception.

I stand by my previous assertion, you've been snared by a Borderline Personality Disorder woman. You feel compelled to justify her and even blame yourself, just to keep her near you. Let me speculate some more:

-Do the good moments feel extraordinarily good? Does she make you feel like like you are really loved/needed/admired?
-Is she unreasonably jealous herself
-Does she have an unreasonable fear of abandonment?

If i'm right, God help you, as it is very very difficult to end that kind of "symbiosis", for lack of a better word.
And I'm not pulling this out of my ass, i've lived that sh*t, but i had the strength to end it and GTFO.

The only prescription that works here is GTFO, run run run, don't ruin your life, you are still quite young and can have a better future. You will heal with time.
The alternative is to stick around until she reaches her mid-thirties and her messed-up wiring starts to mature, but that is a risky route without guarantees. And that is assuming you can really brush off the fact she escorted.

[Tapatio89]

...She and even my former boss said I am the problem as my former boss scolded me for hitting her twice and told me real men do not hit women

.....she has hitted me a lot of times for more than two years and I never fought back.

.....Two months is not a lot of months, although I told her that this is not how one solves problems as this is perfect recipe for destroying it.

.....I go after my wife because I truly love her. When I got married, I swore full commitment and never coward from it like my father did and abandon my mother, my sister and I for another woman and be an absent father

.....That is because most Japanese men and also from what I observed in North Americans when I was in the US is that once it gets heated bad, they run away and coward from it

.....Please read about my wife´s past and about her being a former escort. and let me know about it. I want to ask you how Japanese society views a man like me being married to an escort? In my country, society looks down a lot as this is a Catholic country

I also with my permission, you can tell to your wife my story and what she thinks about my wife´s behaviour and who is mostly at fault here? I thank you with anticipation, as well as for your advices. Well, I thank all of you for trying to help.

Your former boss is an idiot and a mangina, who thinks women cannot do anything wrong. There is no obligation to listen to such nonsense, self defense is always OK, regardless if the aggressor is a man or a woman.

Openly said, 2 months is a lot of time, I would be careful if we talk about 2 days or even 2 weeks, but 2 months is too much to repair a relationship.

Love makes blind, and you should not compare your father with yourself - in your case you would divorce an abusive woman without children.
To 'run away' from an abusive woman is not wrong - it is much better to move away early than to wait until a violent situation escalates and ending in a hospital with emergency services, police and with courts and jail.

The Japanese society has very little consideration for any form of Christianity, which is a tiny minority, usually of Japanese people from the Southern Kyushu Island and of some Koreans born in Japan. Islam almost not existing.
This is a Buddhist/Shinto country and people - both men and women - do not see anything wrong with escort services, quite similar to Thailand. Many women try, many give up, some when getting older try to open a bar or similar business to act as a go-between for male customers and females willing to do this job.

About marriage in Metropolitan Tokyo with up to 38 million people during rush hours? Who knows who is who, and if you decide to live in a large condominium building, even your neighbor will not know who you are and has no idea about your past.

About your question, who is mostly at fault, I don't think, this question makes any sense. I do not know you personally and same with your wife. I do not know her either.

I can only say, what I read so far - you both do not fit together. Both of you should go their own way, looking for new contacts and to forget each other.

I do not think my former boss is a mangina. And idiot yes as he only likes Latin women (does not date Japanese girls) but he wants to make and treat a Latin girl like a Japanese or think like one when realistically speaking, it will NEVER happen as I told him he has to give up some things in order to have a successful relationship with one. I do not think he is a mangina as he told me to suck it up like a man my wife´s physical violence and never hit her despite such deeds as a real man never hits a woman. He also has sexist views as men should be the only sole provider to work in order to maintain a woman financially and no need to work.

Well, it has been two months, but she want to come to live once a week at our apartment and increase it over time until eventually living together again. Wouldn´t this count as she wants to live with me? Also, she did not block me on Facebook as it is listed we are still married, and everyone in our social circle knows we are married still.

I am aware in Eastern countries they do not have issues regarding prostitution.

Sorry, but I will not give up. I will come to an agreement with her regarding this matter. But thank you for your advice.

[Tapatio89]

Tapatio, I'm a Korean American currently living in China, so I have some understanding of Asian culture. First of all, personally, I would never have married a women who was an escort, because they tend to be somewhat unbalanced in the first place. Anyway, your wife sounds very vindictive and nasty, no offense.

She definitely doesn't sound like a typical Japanese women. Since you have stated you want to fix your relationship with your wife, the first thing you must do is try to regain your dominance over her. You are the man! Not her. If she doesn't like it, tell her to get lost. That's the only way to get her to respect you again.

It could be, she might have some sort of mental illness. Could that be a possibility? If not, Asian women, in general, tend to be a little crazy anyway, and once they become abusive, they won't change. Once they go from being sweet to being nuts, they're far too gone. Also, I agree with Yohan when he said that the best bet for you is to leave her. I wouldn't stick around.

Another problem is that Asian culture is the polar opposite of Latin culture; whereas the former is strict, rigid and all about saving face, Latin culture is more open, fun and looser than Asian cultures. She needs to become less 'Asian' and more 'Latin' in her thinking, if that will help. How to achieve this? I'm sorry to say, I have no answers.

Well, how do you expect me she was an escort when she confirmed to me two months after we got married?

It is OK, I do not take offense your comment. Do Japanese men or Asian men in general how do they handle women of this type?

How does my wife does not sound typical Japanese woman?

I already told her that I do not care if she or my former boss are close minded about me improving as a person because people that see me everyday such as my boss, co workers and therapists do see my improvement, thus it is more valid than theirs who only want to be resentful and close minded. For me, resentment and being close minded is a waste of time and does not solve the core issue at all. One thing is being pessimistic and the other being realistic, and those two concepts are different. My wife thinks she is realistic, but I feel she is quite unreasonable in how to solve things as even my therapist and psychiatrists agree that how she id handling things is the improper manner in a marriage.

I am not sure if she has a mental illness, but I would not be surprised as this is not normal behaviour.

And I think what I am doing regardless of country and culture, it can be seen clearly that I love her. I highly doubt in Asian cultures what I do will hardly be considered love, but I could be wrong.

Cheers

[Tapatio89]

...

Wtf dude? how can you love someone that has cheated, lied, and physically abused you? It can not be, by definition. Snap out of it.
You swore commitment under big lies, so you are not really bound to your marriage.

All your jealousy is justified, don't blame yourself. What she's done is NOT normal in the context of love and marriage. You do not marry or keep whores, period.
BPDs are very good at two-facing, so your former boss or coworkers will have a different perception.

I stand by my previous assertion, you've been snared by a Borderline Personality Disorder woman. You feel compelled to justify her and even blame yourself, just to keep her near you. Let me speculate some more:

-Do the good moments feel extraordinarily good? Does she make you feel like like you are really loved/needed/admired?
-Is she unreasonably jealous herself
-Does she have an unreasonable fear of abandonment?

If i'm right, God help you, as it is very very difficult to end that kind of "symbiosis", for lack of a better word.
And I'm not pulling this out of my a**, i've lived that sh*t, but i had the strength to end it and GTFO.

The only prescription that works here is GTFO, run run run, don't ruin your life, you are still quite young and can have a better future. You will heal with time.
The alternative is to stick around until she reaches her mid-thirties and her messed-up wiring starts to mature, but that is a risky route without guarantees. And that is assuming you can really brush off the fact she escorted.

Because I see the good aspects that she has offered in our relationship as I paid her airplane ticket to come live with me as we met online, and she never broke her promise to see me. She also has listened about my past as my past has not been the easiest. And also, we share many common interests and have similar pasts and we understand each other perfectly. And I admire her practicality and, physically, she is very beautiful for me.

She has not cheated on me with another man when we got married and so far I have not. Yes, my boss is by her side. My wife tried it once with my mum to fool her with her crying, but my mum was not fooled at all as my mum is kind of racist towards Asian women in particular as she does not trust Asian women because she finds them calculating, manipulative, greedy, and to some extent jealous of my mum´s physical appearance as my mum looks like Penelope Cruz or Salma Hayek. Latinos tend to be suspicious people, thus a calculating person does not fool an average Latino unlike with Anglos who tend to be more naive about it on average (there are exception to the rule of course).

To answer your questions, no, the good times feel like normal good times, and does not over compliment me or nothing like that. She is not jealous at all. It is actually the opposite. She does not have fear of abandonement, however, she has a big fear of one finding out she was an escort or other part of her past I cannot talk about (the latter is what she fears the most).

I do not know what type of mental illness she has, but definitely she has something as this is not normal behaviour, and even in Japan perhaps this is not considered normal behaviour.

[Yohan]

..... She does not have fear of abandonement, however, she has a big fear of one finding out she was an escort or other part of her past I cannot talk about (the latter is what she fears the most).

I do not know what type of mental illness she has, but definitely she has something as this is not normal behaviour, and even in Japan perhaps this is not considered normal behaviour.

For sure what your wife is doing with you as her husband for 2 years is NOT normal behavior in Japan. How can this be 'normal behavior' anywhere in this world?

We have a large entertainment/nightlife with very little restrictions and Japan is very open-minded regarding a past as hostess.

Hostesses etc. are always using an alias (legally registered), it is difficult - almost impossible - for ordinary people without access to ward office documents/police records to identify them after they leave the night-business.

There are millions of Japanese holding the same real name -Suzuki, Kimura, Ishikawa etc. Often even they share the same first name AND family name. Who is who?

Most of these hostess women (but also men of course) are starting as 'cute' singers, cheerleaders or child-models while still very young and ending up with contracts of pornographers, bar-owners and similar businesses, but nobody finds really anything wrong about it. Often these are children of a single mother who has a similar nightlife-past.

When getting older, some of these women continue openly in night-business as managers and business owners, but others calm down and are gone, maybe even married and you never hear from them again. Japanese cities are rather anonymous, especially here in Tokyo. Who cares who you are and your wife, if you are living in a large condominium building, nobody including your neighbor next door knows even your name.

I do not believe in any 'mental illness', it sounds more like alcoholism and drug abuse with a very troubled violent past, including child abuse and rape or so and maybe also spent some time in jail for something.

[Ghost]

.

[Yohan]

I'm a Korean American currently living in China

She definitely doesn't sound like a typical Japanese women. Since you have stated you want to fix your relationship with your wife, the first thing you must do is try to regain your dominance over her. You are the man! Not her. If she doesn't like it, tell her to get lost. That's the only way to get her to respect you again.

I agree with Yohan when he said that the best bet for you is to leave her. I wouldn't stick around.

Another problem is that Asian culture is the polar opposite of Latin culture

As you know, I am European with a Japanese wife, my daughters are 50/50, one of my sons-in-law is Japanese-American...
Who has not sometimes 'crazy days' in my family? We all are quite different from each other. But I never had a situation even similar to Tapatio89. Not even a single time in more than 30 years.

What Tapatio89 is writing has nothing to do with Asian culture or Latin culture. As a fact, the behavior of this woman is highly irresponsible and unpredictable.

A woman who runs around with a knife, beating her husband since 2 years and takes all money for herself while moving out for months cannot be trusted. Such relationship can develop in a dangerous situation in case of a quarrel. Too risky to continue.

You mentioned 'dominance' - as a possible way to fix this relationship.
But how could this 'dominance' ever work out? And for how long? Creating harsh rules - like in USA '3 times and out' for certain criminals - and if she breaks these rules, she is out with no chance ever to return?

This is supposed to be a man/wife relationship and not a police/criminal or father/daughter relationship, where one side can force the other side to obey rules.

I see no good future if they continue to fix their problems. Too many open questions... they will break up again.
I am rather pessimistic, openly said. Better both of them go their own way and consider their relationship as a part of their past. Finished is finished.

[Yohan]

...she's a former escort who has run away from you...

...since you didn't find out about her past until after marrying her, you should consider her as having defrauded you...

True!

There are not so few countries, even pro-feminist countries which are not much into Christian values, where such a behavior of a woman - marriage, but deliberately concealing her past as a hostess (sex for money as a professional) from her husband - are legal ground to nullify a marriage contract.

This means the marriage contract is void, quite a different situation from a typical marriage and divorce.

I think, Tapatio89 should contact a lawyer and not a therapist for legal advice about his situation.

[adann]

Wow,

You cannot turn a hoe into a wife. The OP's wife was a hooker, that explains why she is crazy. Get your money back, sue if you have to and then dump her and find another woman, seriously. Why deal with a former hooker who has abused, stolen and lied to you? But seriously, OP you got yourself into this mess. Stop putting her on a pedestal, there are plenty of normal Japanese women out there.

[zboy1]

She has not cheated on me with another man when we got married and so far I have not. Yes, my boss is by her side. My wife tried it once with my mum to fool her with her crying, but my mum was not fooled at all as my mum is kind of racist towards Asian women in particular as she does not trust Asian women because she finds them calculating, manipulative, greedy, and to some extent jealous of my mum´s physical appearance as my mum looks like Penelope Cruz or Salma Hayek. Latinos tend to be suspicious people, thus a calculating person does not fool an average Latino unlike with Anglos who tend to be more naive about it on average (there are exception to the rule of course).

Asian women greedy, calculating and manipulative? Sadly, I would say that many Asian women are becoming like you mentioned--especially if they're living overseas. No question about it.

I think the main reason for that is because once Asian women go overseas, they tend to become spoiled by all the attention they receive,become very greedy and materialistic with all the wealth around them, and as soon as they stop of the plane, they instantly become indoctrinated with feminist propaganda.

Asian woman are indeed, calculating and greedy. Why? Sadly, modernization and economic development eventually leads to that kind of behavior.

[MrMan]

Hi,

First off, I'd like to say be careful with the advice you get from this forum. Some posters on the forum are playboys or playboy wannabes who want to go around the world and sleep with lots of women. A few men are married. I don't know if anyone else is married to a Japanese woman.

My wife is Indonesian. Asian cultures are different. I've lived in Korea and been in Japan very briefly. Japan and Korea seem to have a harder culture to understand, for me, than Indonesia. Indonesians are laid back and tolerant of doing things different ways. Indonesia and the Philippines have lots of different people-groups and cultures, so they seem to be tolerant of different ways of doing things. Japanese and Koreans seem to be more homogenous and strict about conforming to narrower social standards.

Japan ranks highly on Hofstedes 'Masculinity' scale and is,or at least used to be, a very 'macho' country, maybe one of the most macho.

You might benefit from talking to a Japanese man who speaks English or Spanish well and picking his brain about how Japanese men view women in the family. Learn some Japanese sayings about marriage and women and see if your wife relates to them better. Who knows? Maybe she'll accept a bit of machismo if it comes from Japanese culture.

It's bad if your wife has been physically abusive. You shouldn't join in. If I were married to a woman like that, I think I'd hold her wrists and pin her down, for a half hour if I had to, and let her cry it out or whatever until she had calmed down. My wife is generally very well behaved in that regard.

I don't think any of this means your marriage has to be over. If I could give you a piece of advice is don't believe everything your wife says. If your wife says the marriage is over, that's not necessarily true. If you agree with it, the relationship may be over.

When women talk, they talk about how they feel, not necessarily the facts. If a woman says she is never going to talk to you again, that's how she feels at the moment. That doesn't mean you necessarily won't talk to her again. If she says she'll never sleep with you, that's not necessarily the case. That's an indicator of how she feels right then, but women's emotions can go up and down like the waves of the ocean.

As the man, you need to stay calm. If she's emotional in a bad way, you be calm. It's like being a parent with a two-year-old. A good parent will stay calm during a child's tantrum. As the husband, you should stay calm during your wife's tantrum. If she gets upset like that, then you be the adult. It may help to think of her as acting like a child and your being the adult in the situation. Maybe it's condescending a little, but it can work.

There is an American movie that was actually a big chick flick, 'Gone with the Wind.' The male lead was older than his wife. She'd get upset, and he'd laugh it off and treat her a bit like a child. Women who watched the movie loved his character for some reason. If you think about it, it' kind of makes the woman out to be a bit like a child with her emotions, but women who watched it liked the male leads strength and calmness. Finally, at the end, he'd had enough of her and walked out on her, but you don't have to make that choice and end the marriage. The marriage wasn't over until the man decided in that movie.

[MrMan]

Hi,

First off, I'd like to say be careful with the advice you get from this forum. Some posters on the forum are playboys or playboy wannabes who want to go around the world and sleep with lots of women. A few men are married. I don't know if anyone else is married to a Japanese woman.

My wife is Indonesian. Asian cultures are different. I've lived in Korea and been in Japan very briefly. Japan and Korea seem to have a harder culture to understand, for me, than Indonesia. Indonesians are laid back and tolerant of doing things different ways. Indonesia and the Philippines have lots of different people-groups and cultures, so they seem to be tolerant of different ways of doing things. Japanese and Koreans seem to be more homogenous and strict about conforming to narrower social standards.

Japan ranks highly on Hofstedes 'Masculinity' scale and is,or at least used to be, a very 'macho' country, maybe one of the most macho.

You might benefit from talking to a Japanese man who speaks English or Spanish well and picking his brain about how Japanese men view women in the family. Learn some Japanese sayings about marriage and women and see if your wife relates to them better. Who knows? Maybe she'll accept a bit of machismo if it comes from Japanese culture.

It's bad if your wife has been physically abusive. You shouldn't join in. If I were married to a woman like that, I think I'd hold her wrists and pin her down, for a half hour if I had to, and let her cry it out or whatever until she had calmed down. My wife is generally very well behaved in that regard.

I don't think any of this means your marriage has to be over. If I could give you a piece of advice is don't believe everything your wife says. If your wife says the marriage is over, that's not necessarily true. If you agree with it, the relationship may be over.

When women talk, they talk about how they feel, not necessarily the facts. If a woman says she is never going to talk to you again, that's how she feels at the moment. That doesn't mean you necessarily won't talk to her again. If she says she'll never sleep with you, that's not necessarily the case. That's an indicator of how she feels right then, but women's emotions can go up and down like the waves of the ocean.

As the man, you need to stay calm. If she's emotional in a bad way, you be calm. It's like being a parent with a two-year-old. A good parent will stay calm during a child's tantrum. As the husband, you should stay calm during your wife's tantrum. If she gets upset like that, then you be the adult. It may help to think of her as acting like a child and your being the adult in the situation. Maybe it's condescending a little, but it can work.

There is an American movie that was actually a big chick flick, 'Gone with the Wind.' The male lead was older than his wife. She'd get upset, and he'd laugh it off and treat her a bit like a child. Women who watched the movie loved his character for some reason. If you think about it, it' kind of makes the woman out to be a bit like a child with her emotions, but women who watched it liked the male leads strength and calmness. Finally, at the end, he'd had enough of her and walked out on her, but you don't have to make that choice and end the marriage. The marriage wasn't over until the man decided in that movie.

[MrMan]

If you were abusive to her, maybe it's fair of her to say she wants to spend time with you to see that you have changed. But if she was abusive constantly over a long period of time until finally you hit back, and she's been impossible to deal with, and then pretends you are the sole source of problems, that is not a good dynamic. Maybe counseling can help with that. A good counselor will ask questions that will uncover her flaws as well.

If I were you, I wouldn't agree with anything that involves her getting further away. A man who agrees to let his wife move out of the bedroom or out of the house when he's trying to reconcile, etc. is generally making a mistake. If she's offering one night a week, and that's your only choice, take it, but keep moving toward married life. Gently try to get her to sleep with you unless that sort of thing explodes in your face. Get her to spend more time and more nights.

Also, if she is disrespectful, just in general, in the marriage, point it out. If she hits you, that needs to be a really big deal. She needs to seriously apologize for that. I don't go for joking arm slaps. I never liked that. Some women from my wife's country do that. My wife doesn't, but if I had been interested in a woman who did, I'd tell her I didn't like it. You can insist on being respected, but do it in a way that doesn't lead to arguing, like calmly telling her you didn't appreciate it when she did a certain thing you found disrespectful. For some women, if you let them treat you with disrespect, they keep pushing the boundaries. I suppose that could lead to a woman being verbally or physically abusive. If you call her on disrespect in her attitude, body language, etc., then hopefully, she knows she needs to be careful how she speaks to you. It's better if she's just respectfully naturally and because she loves you. But some women don't do that naturally and need a little guidance from their husbands.