Do we become cynical and jaded as we grow older?

[Winston]

It seems that the older one gets, the more cynical and jaded one becomes, albeit wiser. Is this inevitable? If so, why?

Many also become more realistic, negative and pessimistic as well, especially if they suffer through a string of disappointments and broken hearts.

Is there any way to maintain a young spirit, positive attitude and hopeful heart as one gets older? What's the key?

There is a saying that the older you get, the harder your heart becomes. Is that true? If so, why? What does it mean?

It seems that the most optimistic positive people are the young ones. There is also a witty saying that you might have heard, "An optimist is one who doesn't have much experience."

What do you think? Have any of you thought about this?

I think that cultivating spirituality and creativity/imagination are the key to not becoming cynical and jaded as one gets older. What do you think?

[davewe]

It seems that the older one gets, the more cynical one becomes, albeit wiser. Is it inevitable? If so, why?

There is a saying that the older you get, the harder your heart becomes. Is that true? If so, why? What does it mean?

It seems that the most optimistic positive people are the young ones. There is also a witty saying that you might have heard, "An optimist is one who doesn't have much experience."

I prefer Groucho's quote, "You're only as old as the woman you feel."

One of the advantages of younger women (other than the obvious) is looking at the world and relationships thought the fresh eyes of someone younger. And frankly it's one of the advantages of having kids, especially a bit later in life.

I don't think a little bit of cynicism when you get older is a bad thing. It's when it consumes you, and makes you incapable of change and growth, that it becomes destructive.

BTW, I see lots of young people who are very cynical and that makes me far sadder than the old fart who is stuck with his attitudes.

[zboy1]

It seems that the older one gets, the more cynical one becomes, albeit wiser. Is it inevitable? If so, why?

There is a saying that the older you get, the harder your heart becomes. Is that true? If so, why? What does it mean?

It seems that the most optimistic positive people are the young ones. There is also a witty saying that you might have heard, "An optimist is one who doesn't have much experience."

I prefer Groucho's quote, "You're only as old as the woman you feel."

One of the advantages of younger women (other than the obvious) is looking at the world and relationships thought the fresh eyes of someone younger. And frankly it's one of the advantages of having kids, especially a bit later in life.

I don't think a little bit of cynicism when you get older is a bad thing. It's when it consumes you, and makes you incapable of change and growth, that it becomes destructive.

BTW, I see lots of young people who are very cynical and that makes me far sadder than the old fart who is stuck with his attitudes.

Well, I can't say I blame the young generation for being cynical! Most of them have every right to be cynical considering all the nonsense going on in these days with the economy, jobs, society, women, politicians, student loans, etc. Gen X and Gen Y have been utterly screwed and we can thank the Boomer generation for that.

[ladislav]

I am less cynical now than when I was younger. And dating younger women does help one feel better and younger.

Things that made me bitter for a long time have been:

People more ignorant/stupid than me having more power and money and being way more fortunate than me.
Learning that no, you cannot have or achieve everything you desire. At least not within one lifetime. There are definite limitations.
Those things that can be achieved take much longer to attain than you thought. Snags, delays, setbacks are to blame. Nothing wrong with that except that these eat up years of your life.
True love even if found, does not keep you abuzz forever.
You cannot change ( at least not within a lifetime) deeply seated social prejudices, injustices and misconceptions that engulf hundreds of millions of people.
You cannot totally change your race or nationality no matter how you try and what you do.
Once you accept those as natural phenomena and work within the system to 'go around them' or to' minimize them', not to 'overcome' them' you should be OK.

[patrick]

I can add to the list aboven, wasting to much time when i was younger.

[xiongmao]

Yes. As a 40 year old man, I have to say that everything is crap.

Oh, except for one thing. Men find it easier to get dates as they age.

[lavezzi]

All these polarized ways by which we identify ourselves; young/old; rich/poor; "alpha"/"beta" etc., they're just pre-conceived concepts which have been programmed into us; they are in no way relevant to our essential nature which is all that truly matters in the pursuit of real, sustainable contentment.

We are suffering due to being caught in a shallow rat-race with other humans and there is a way out; by realizing the only thing ANY being has ever actually had is awareness which uses a body as a vehicle to observe it's surroundings. Desire is purely psychological (only exists in our heads; is simply a thought, nothing more)

Our goal should be to retain our original and true nature as an observer of things, rather than a customer being habitually enticed by things (as is almost every other human).

[samurai_panda]

It's sad to see people who are older and still miserable with their lives.

Life is truly short and beautiful. Enjoy it while you are still able-bodied and healthy.

I love life and even if I make mistakes. I never give up on being happy.

[Jackal]

It seems that the older one gets, the more cynical and jaded one becomes, albeit wiser. Is this inevitable? If so, why?

Many also become more realistic, negative and pessimistic as well, especially if they suffer through a string of disappointments and broken hearts.

Is there any way to maintain a young spirit, positive attitude and hopeful heart as one gets older? What's the key?

If you are seeking to avoid being realistic, then yes, eventually, as you get older, life will force you to become realistic, if you are not already.
Summary: If you started out life with unrealistically high expectations, then yes, you will become jaded. If you started out life with more realistic expectations, then getting older won't change your outlook as much and you might even become MORE optimistic if you achieve some successes which you previously were unsure that you could achieve.

Also, staying in good physical condition by exercising regularly will help you maintain a positive outlook as you age. If you don't exercise and simply watch helplessly as your body gets flabbier, weaker, and less attractive every year, then yes, you will probably begin to feel VERY pessimistic if you still have many worldly goals.

I think that cultivating spirituality and creativity/imagination are the key to not becoming cynical and jaded as one gets older. What do you think?

Maybe, but often your feel-good, non-judgemental, New Age type of spirituality is simply esapism, and reality will still periodically kick you in the teeth no matter how much effort you put into escapism. I think it's better to practice the type of spirituality which cultivates a more realistic viewpoint. One quick way to do this is to meditate on your own death. All major spiritual traditions have appreciation for the impermanence of this present life. Avoiding thinking about death is simply immaturity. Once you think about death, then you truly appreciate the present moment as the precious, finite resource it is. New Age books don't include meditations on death because that's not what fakely optimistic Americans want to read and because that's not what sells.

[ethan_sg]

Hi Lavezzi,

Not trying to be contentious but just out of curiosity over your new-found Buddhist beliefs, what would you say to the following:

Buddhism purports that desires are only illusions and are a form of suffering. But what about when these desires are fulfilled, giving pleasure to us? We feel good, we feel happy and satisfied about it. Happiness and satisfaction are genuine feelings that increase the quality of our lives. So are the fulfillment of desires, at least the ones that can be realistically fulfilled, not a worthwhile pursuit?

For instance when you have sex with a beautiful super sexy woman. You fulfill a desire and are happy and satisfied. Was that not a desire worthwhile pursuing？

When you meet up with a very close friend whom you had not seen for years. You feel happy and satisfied. Was that not a desire worthwhile pursuing？

When you fall in love with a girl and you realize for the first time that she's in love with you as well, and you kiss, the sense of exhilaration and joy you feel at finding your soul mate, was not that a desire worth pursuing?

I understand that with the pursuit of fulfillment there will often be disappointments as well, and that makes desire a form of suffering when they're unfulfilled. But it's all part of life isn't it? You take the good with the bad.

I agree with Buddhism that we're merely bodies with consciousness and that the rat race is something we've all been brainwashed into, but it doesn't mean that things like sex, love, close friendships, communal warmth, beautiful music, adventure, great food and more aren't desires worth pursuing and that they don't bring happiness to our lives. Even if nothing is permanent surely a life filled with sex, love, close friendships, communal warmth, beautiful music, adventure, great food is better than life filled with none of these at all?

At the risk of sounding like a hedonist, nothing is permanent, but we got one life and we got to make the best of it.

Dismissing desires as an illusion and therefore a waste of time to pursue seems to be the recipe for creating a life of absolute numbness, where one feels no pain only because one feelings nothing at all.

All these polarized ways by which we identify ourselves; young/old; rich/poor; "alpha"/"beta" etc., they're just pre-conceived concepts which have been programmed into us; they are in no way relevant to our essential nature which is all that truly matters in the pursuit of real, sustainable contentment.

We are suffering due to being caught in a shallow rat-race with other humans and there is a way out; by realizing the only thing ANY being has ever actually had is awareness which uses a body as a vehicle to observe it's surroundings. Desire is purely psychological (only exists in our heads; is simply a thought, nothing more)

Our goal should be to retain our original and true nature as an observer of things, rather than a customer being habitually enticed by things (as is almost every other human).

[onezero4u]

i dont know...im only in my mid-40s.

[polya]

...

[Winston]

Hi Lavezzi,

Not trying to be contentious but just out of curiosity over your new-found Buddhist beliefs, what would you say to the following:

Buddhism purports that desires are only illusions and are a form of suffering. But what about when these desires are fulfilled, giving pleasure to us? We feel good, we feel happy and satisfied about it. Happiness and satisfaction are genuine feelings that increase the quality of our lives. So are the fulfillment of desires, at least the ones that can be realistically fulfilled, not a worthwhile pursuit?

For instance when you have sex with a beautiful super sexy woman. You fulfill a desire and are happy and satisfied. Was that not a desire worthwhile pursuing？

When you meet up with a very close friend whom you had not seen for years. You feel happy and satisfied. Was that not a desire worthwhile pursuing？

When you fall in love with a girl and you realize for the first time that she's in love with you as well, and you kiss, the sense of exhilaration and joy you feel at finding your soul mate, was not that a desire worth pursuing?

I understand that with the pursuit of fulfillment there will often be disappointments as well, and that makes desire a form of suffering when they're unfulfilled. But it's all part of life isn't it? You take the good with the bad.

I agree with Buddhism that we're merely bodies with consciousness and that the rat race is something we've all been brainwashed into, but it doesn't mean that things like sex, love, close friendships, communal warmth, beautiful music, adventure, great food and more aren't desires worth pursuing and that they don't bring happiness to our lives. Even if nothing is permanent surely a life filled with sex, love, close friendships, communal warmth, beautiful music, adventure, great food is better than life filled with none of these at all?

At the risk of sounding like a hedonist, nothing is permanent, but we got one life and we got to make the best of it.

Dismissing desires as an illusion and therefore a waste of time to pursue seems to be the recipe for creating a life of absolute numbness, where one feels no pain only because one feelings nothing at all.

I had the same questions and wrote them up in my Buddhism critique here:

http://www.debunkingskeptics.com/Buddhism_Critique.htm

Buddhists, though, would say that they are not against fulfilling desires, but that it is unwise to become attached to them, because that leads to suffering. They are not against pleasure, they just prefer to see it like clouds, it comes and you just let it pass and not try to cling to it.

[Winston]

Hi Lavezzi,

Not trying to be contentious but just out of curiosity over your new-found Buddhist beliefs, what would you say to the following:

Buddhism purports that desires are only illusions and are a form of suffering. But what about when these desires are fulfilled, giving pleasure to us? We feel good, we feel happy and satisfied about it. Happiness and satisfaction are genuine feelings that increase the quality of our lives. So are the fulfillment of desires, at least the ones that can be realistically fulfilled, not a worthwhile pursuit?

For instance when you have sex with a beautiful super sexy woman. You fulfill a desire and are happy and satisfied. Was that not a desire worthwhile pursuing？

When you meet up with a very close friend whom you had not seen for years. You feel happy and satisfied. Was that not a desire worthwhile pursuing？

When you fall in love with a girl and you realize for the first time that she's in love with you as well, and you kiss, the sense of exhilaration and joy you feel at finding your soul mate, was not that a desire worth pursuing?

I understand that with the pursuit of fulfillment there will often be disappointments as well, and that makes desire a form of suffering when they're unfulfilled. But it's all part of life isn't it? You take the good with the bad.

I agree with Buddhism that we're merely bodies with consciousness and that the rat race is something we've all been brainwashed into, but it doesn't mean that things like sex, love, close friendships, communal warmth, beautiful music, adventure, great food and more aren't desires worth pursuing and that they don't bring happiness to our lives. Even if nothing is permanent surely a life filled with sex, love, close friendships, communal warmth, beautiful music, adventure, great food is better than life filled with none of these at all?

At the risk of sounding like a hedonist, nothing is permanent, but we got one life and we got to make the best of it.

Dismissing desires as an illusion and therefore a waste of time to pursue seems to be the recipe for creating a life of absolute numbness, where one feels no pain only because one feelings nothing at all.

Here is my dad's response to your question above:


"Dear Win,

Having desire is not a problem. There are healthy desires and unwholesome desires. You know what they are. The problem is the constant urge of craving and attachment to your desires.

Sure, having sex, spending quality time with the people you like, fulfill your dreams, etc. make you happy. The question is how long do they last? How do you feel after that, lost, wishing that feeling will last longer and come again soon? What happened if your dreams or desires do not fulfilled? Are sensual pleasure and excitement really happiness?What about simplicity, contentment and acceptance and ability to let go?

The key is to wish all you want and don't expect all things will come your way. And learn to accept and be at peace with whatever happened.

Love,
Dad"

[ethan_sg]

Thanks for the replies Winston.

Desires in life such as love, relationships, romance, friendships, novelty, adventure, travel, excitement, fulfilling passions, enjoying good food, and of course sex with beautiful attractive women, are they in themselves necessarily sufficient for and the sole constituents of happiness? No. But they sure do contribute to it and add quality to one's life.

I do agree with other Buddhist concepts though, such as the concept that there is no permanent self.