Victim-blaming the lonely: 'You need to love yourself'

[mattyman]

I just want to touch on point covered by Winston regarding how society treats lonely individuals.

Firstly I'll make it clear that I'm not bashing self-acceptance and self-esteem, but I do have a problem when people approach lonely individuals from the stance of 'you don't like yourself, therefore it's your fault for being lonely'. The truth is, this victim-blaming approach does absolutely nothing to help one feel better about oneself and if anything can be pretty damaging. More often than not, the lack of self-esteem happens as a result of loneliness. What's worse, when I see this crop-up, they don't even share any useful advice on how to better like yourself; really shows what paragons of wisdom they are doesn't it? What's even worse is that, if someone's self-esteem has suffered as a result of loneliness, this treatment almost comes across as an excuse to attack, shame and belittle the individual. The fact that the self esteem ha suffered is used against the individual to attack and dis-empower them rather than attempt to empathise. What's even worse, if the lonely individual's self-esteem has suffered, this is used as an excuse to bleaken their outlook and discourage them, by telling them that they are destined to behave in a needy and thus sabotage all future social and romantic encounters. Very empowering, supportive and confidence-building? Again, if that has genuinely been the case or a pattern for the lonely individual that has played a part in their loneliness, the victim blamers never give useful advice, just loads of negativity, discouragement and criticism. All that does is makes the lonely person feel depressed, discouraged and knocks their confidence.

It strikes me that such sentiment is based on arrogance, ignorance and lack of ability to oneself in one's shoes. I always say listen and relate, don't confront. I can't understand why such terrible practice is so prevalent.

Winston Wu is right on his points about how society treats people who are lonely. This is but one of the many examples of victim-blaming which in my opinion has mental health implications.

[Ghost]

.

[jamesbond]

I'm not even saying taking care of lonely mens' needs must be done for free, but that they need some kind of outlet. (P4p to start.) Allow a man to get a complimentary hooker for every 10 or 20 hours he works. Something like that.

Hey, that sounds good to me!

[Zambales]

Tax relief would be more preferable.

[BlueEverglades]

I used to visit lots of those new agey websites and most were americans. You never see a Chinese, scandinavian, Filipino using a bunch of crystals to "create my reality" or victim blaming because you are not a millionare or look like Marylin monroe yet. I recently had a fight with a man that did lots of orgone pyramids, he was full of shit and even called his customers "freaks" He was unable to use his own philosophy to forgive and forget proving himself a hypocrite.

[cdnFA]

I love myself. I think I am awesome. However decades of being bullied by people [dudes] and ignored by women makes it obvious that other people don't share my view.
Until I was about 25 and had a moment of clarity I figured some girl who liked what I had to offer was bound to show up. Sadly she did but she was so shy back then that I never had a clue till 25 years too late, insanely shy as she was hot.

So maybe it works for some people but loving myself and being utterly confident that I would find someone never did jack shit for me.

[GoingAwol]

The one I always hear is "You are too negative. Women are picking up on your negativity and running the other way" -or- "You are too desperate! Women are picking up on your desperation and running the other way!"
Funny thing is I'm usually very optimistic and being perpetually single doesn't bother me most days.However, I do have those rare days where the loneliness and bullshit gets to me, and that's when I might vent my frustration to friends or family. That's when they drop those lines on me. It's complete nonsense because I'm usually a positive and lighthearted guy. I always put my best self out there when I interact with women and they just arent interested in me. That's not my fault, despite what others think and want me to believe.

[GoingAwol]

It's just a cover for how much people despise the lonely. Their "advice" makes as much sense as a telling a starving man that he just needs to feed himself first before someone can give him some food.

I'm not even saying taking care of lonely mens' needs must be done for free, but that they need some kind of outlet. (P4p to start.) Allow a man to get a complimentary hooker for every 10 or 20 hours he works. Something like that.

-Or- the government could just legalize and regulate prostitution so lonely men could get their needs met at an affordable price.For example, a man should not have to pay more than $125 or $150 for a one hour session. Anything more than that is ridiculous.

[Adama]

Until I was about 25 and had a moment of clarity I figured some girl who liked what I had to offer was bound to show up. Sadly she did but she was so shy back then that I never had a clue till 25 years too late, insanely shy as she was hot.

GoingAwol, what did I tell you? And look, it even happened for a character such as this man, of all men. If he could get an attractive, shy woman interested in him, then I am sure this can happen for most men. All you have to do is believe, pay attention, and be confident in your abilities.

[Adama]

The one I always hear is "You are too negative. Women are picking up on your negativity and running the other way" -or- "You are too desperate! Women are picking up on your desperation and running the other way!"
Funny thing is I'm usually very optimistic and being perpetually single doesn't bother me most days.However, I do have those rare days where the loneliness and bullshit gets to me, and that's when I might vent my frustration to friends or family. That's when they drop those lines on me. It's complete nonsense because I'm usually a positive and lighthearted guy. I always put my best self out there when I interact with women and they just arent interested in me. That's not my fault, despite what others think and want me to believe.

It doesn't matter what the subject is. No one wants to hear anyone else complain about anything unless they themselves have gone through it or are going through it. You're playing the violin to the wrong crowd. It would be better to learn from the poor responses and perhaps to stop playing the violin for the wrong crowd.

[Adama]

I just want to touch on point covered by Winston regarding how society treats lonely individuals.

Firstly I'll make it clear that I'm not bashing self-acceptance and self-esteem, but I do have a problem when people approach lonely individuals from the stance of 'you don't like yourself, therefore it's your fault for being lonely'. The truth is, this victim-blaming approach does absolutely nothing to help one feel better about oneself and if anything can be pretty damaging. More often than not, the lack of self-esteem happens as a result of loneliness. What's worse, when I see this crop-up, they don't even share any useful advice on how to better like yourself; really shows what paragons of wisdom they are doesn't it? What's even worse is that, if someone's self-esteem has suffered as a result of loneliness, this treatment almost comes across as an excuse to attack, shame and belittle the individual. The fact that the self esteem ha suffered is used against the individual to attack and dis-empower them rather than attempt to empathise. What's even worse, if the lonely individual's self-esteem has suffered, this is used as an excuse to bleaken their outlook and discourage them, by telling them that they are destined to behave in a needy and thus sabotage all future social and romantic encounters. Very empowering, supportive and confidence-building? Again, if that has genuinely been the case or a pattern for the lonely individual that has played a part in their loneliness, the victim blamers never give useful advice, just loads of negativity, discouragement and criticism. All that does is makes the lonely person feel depressed, discouraged and knocks their confidence.

It strikes me that such sentiment is based on arrogance, ignorance and lack of ability to oneself in one's shoes. I always say listen and relate, don't confront. I can't understand why such terrible practice is so prevalent.

Winston Wu is right on his points about how society treats people who are lonely. This is but one of the many examples of victim-blaming which in my opinion has mental health implications.

At first you are saying they are saying it to almost hurt you, but out of the other side of your mouth, you are admitting what they are saying is true. If you have low self esteem, you should work on correcting it. Find the source of your low self esteem. Is it external, internal, or both? What are the things you can do to fix the things which you are insecure about?

Most insecurity is a mind trick. It is self-deception. It is also caring too much about what others think of you. You'll have to start caring much less what others think of you. You'll have to focus on your successes. Remind yourself how you've done well before. Instead of focusing on the woe is me part. If you were bullied then your self-assessment is definitely damaged, probably grading yourself on an unfair curve compared to reality.

Don't ever think thoughts of self-pity. Cut them off in the bud by remembering some positive things which have happened to you, and if you can't remember something positive, it isn't because nothing positive ever happened to you. It is because you don't remember or didn't even notice. Think and you'll remember many times.

Also it would not hurt if you believed in Jesus and got saved so He could give you light to see and direct your paths.

[cdnFA]

Until I was about 25 and had a moment of clarity I figured some girl who liked what I had to offer was bound to show up. Sadly she did but she was so shy back then that I never had a clue till 25 years too late, insanely shy as she was hot.

GoingAwol, what did I tell you? And look, it even happened for a character such as this man, of all men. If he could get an attractive, shy woman interested in him, then I am sure this can happen for most men. All you have to do is believe, pay attention, and be confident in your abilities.

If that doesn't blow your mind... she is a hard core Christian. As in spending a weekend from Friday morning to Sunday night at a conference. As in her hubby's only hobby is bible study, and they met at church. She even uttered the phrase, my husband is older so he provides leadership.

[Adama]

Until I was about 25 and had a moment of clarity I figured some girl who liked what I had to offer was bound to show up. Sadly she did but she was so shy back then that I never had a clue till 25 years too late, insanely shy as she was hot.

GoingAwol, what did I tell you? And look, it even happened for a character such as this man, of all men. If he could get an attractive, shy woman interested in him, then I am sure this can happen for most men. All you have to do is believe, pay attention, and be confident in your abilities.

If that doesn't blow your mind... she is a hard core Christian. As in spending a weekend from Friday morning to Sunday night at a conference. As in her hubby's only hobby is bible study, and they met at church. She even uttered the phrase, my husband is older so he provides leadership.

Sounds like she and her husband both got it right.

[IraqVet2003]

I just want to touch on point covered by Winston regarding how society treats lonely individuals.

Firstly I'll make it clear that I'm not bashing self-acceptance and self-esteem, but I do have a problem when people approach lonely individuals from the stance of 'you don't like yourself, therefore it's your fault for being lonely'. The truth is, this victim-blaming approach does absolutely nothing to help one feel better about oneself and if anything can be pretty damaging. More often than not, the lack of self-esteem happens as a result of loneliness. What's worse, when I see this crop-up, they don't even share any useful advice on how to better like yourself; really shows what paragons of wisdom they are doesn't it? What's even worse is that, if someone's self-esteem has suffered as a result of loneliness, this treatment almost comes across as an excuse to attack, shame and belittle the individual. The fact that the self esteem ha suffered is used against the individual to attack and dis-empower them rather than attempt to empathise. What's even worse, if the lonely individual's self-esteem has suffered, this is used as an excuse to bleaken their outlook and discourage them, by telling them that they are destined to behave in a needy and thus sabotage all future social and romantic encounters. Very empowering, supportive and confidence-building? Again, if that has genuinely been the case or a pattern for the lonely individual that has played a part in their loneliness, the victim blamers never give useful advice, just loads of negativity, discouragement and criticism. All that does is makes the lonely person feel depressed, discouraged and knocks their confidence.

It strikes me that such sentiment is based on arrogance, ignorance and lack of ability to oneself in one's shoes. I always say listen and relate, don't confront. I can't understand why such terrible practice is so prevalent.

Winston Wu is right on his points about how society treats people who are lonely. This is but one of the many examples of victim-blaming which in my opinion has mental health implications.

Great post!!! I too agree with both you and Winston on this issue!!! Because the U.S. is a very cliquish and deeply divided society based on politics, race, class, social status, religion, etc. It is very difficult for many people to have empathy for others when they live in their own "bubble'.

[Winston]

Remember that Whitney Houston famous hit song called "The Greatest Love of All"? She sang "learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all......" The new age movement and self help movement also emphasize self love too as key importance. So even famous American pop songs tell you to love yourself, not just new agers and self help coaches.

I don't understand that though. Are these people in a different reality than me? What use is it to love yourself? I don't know anyone who hates themselves and lacks self worth. Do you? Even if I did hate myself and learned to love myself, what would that accomplish? First of all, it wouldn't fix or solve any problems. Second, it would not make anyone love me. No one loves someone just because they love themselves. Third, it would not satisfy or fulfill your need for love or romance or companionship or sex. It would not fulfill your needs at all. Fourth, if everyone could just love themselves and be satisfied and not need a partner then the human race would end and go extinct because no one would procreate. Wouldn't that be against mother nature too?

So how can everyone be wrong? Am I missing something? Or are these Americans and new agers and self help people in a different reality? What do they get out of loving themselves exactly and why do they say it's of primary importance? What does it accomplish? How can everyone be wrong and me be right? Not to brag or boast of course. Am I missing something that everyone knows? Or is everyone an NPC just screwing with me and lying to me with nonsense?

I should email this question to new age figures and coaches and see what they say. Lol

It seems that new agers assume everyone lacks self love and self worth, just like Christians assume everyone is a sinner and has done many bad things. It's a false assumption and putting the horse before the cart. Very weird.

I saw the Christian evangelist Ray Comfort on YouTube long ago. He walked around the beach boardwalk in LA with a camera and asked people if they ever lied or stolen anything. Everyone said "yes I've lied and stolen hundreds of times or thousands of times." Lol. No way. That must be staged right? No one would tell a random man with a camera that they've sinned a lot and lied and stolen hundreds of times. Lol. Even if it were true no one would admit that to a stranger on camera, just because he wants to hear that, because it conforms to Christian doctrine. Lol. That looked staged right? Who would do that? Are they Christians already and not secular people like ray comfort claims? So that's why they would say that? Or did he just interview hundreds of people and pick out the worst examples to make a point?

What if he met me and I told him that I don't lie or steal at all? Lol. Would he have just edited that out of his documentary? Lol