My marriage to my Korean bride

Discussion for marriage-minded members seeking foreign brides for marriage and serious long-term relationships.

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zboy1
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Post by zboy1 »

doraemontweety wrote:Hi everyone,nice to meet you all here, I am Doe. I am a Malaysian, and currently on a long-distance relationship with a korean man. I come to Korea to meet him almost once every month. we love each other very much and we treasure each other all along. he has been thinking and learning how to get us two to live together at one place and work things out. unfortunately, out of sudden, just recently, he told me he might have to give up on our relationship due to his parents are being conservative and firm on restricting him from getting a foreign girlfriend.
i really wish to learn more about this issue and wish i could work out something to assure his parents i am more than loving him but to be ready to go through all hardships along. i have not get the chance to meet his parents yet, though.

we are not kids and we have our decisions to work things out or to let it be. i dont want to give up before i try and i wish i could be enlightened on how i should continue to be strong on the obstacles that come along my way.

im having a tearful heart with confused and helpless mind. i hope to be guided and told that i should be hanging in till i try my best to work things out.
thank you for sharing here!
That's messed up! Why would his parents object to him marrying a Malaysian women? My uncle married a Vietnamese women and they have two cute kids living in Inchon. My parents love her! I guess...it's because the man comes from a high status family? If not, then the parents are being completely overbearing and racist--typical for Korean parents, lol!


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chanta76
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Post by chanta76 »

Part of the reason why you don't hear or see too much Asian men dating or marrying out is because there are more pressure for the Asian men to marry within his ethinic group.

I think that might explain why here in the states you see less Asian men dating /marrying out.

I could use myself for example. At one time I was dating a Chinese girl and my parents were dead set against it. Imagine I was dating a white girl...I would not only have to over come my parents disapproval but also society disapproval.

Within Asian girls the pressure is less to date and marry out. I think allot of it has to deal with the fact that the sons are more responsible to take care of the parents.
sea_dragon
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Post by sea_dragon »

And in that case, I should be more picky about the kinds of Chinese girls because I'm not attracted to most women in terms of physical looks. There is a specific set of looks that I'm attracted to and it's rare here in the US. My parents are traditional and I want my spouse's parents to be just as traditional. In the USA, dating and marriage is hard for Asian-American men. Which is why I complied with my parents in searching for a Chinese bride.
MrMan
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Post by MrMan »

drealm wrote:I'm not married yet, but I actually want my future wife to be possessive and jealous. This shows that she values me and also shows that I can bargain with her by not promising monogamy if she does stuff I don't like (such as refusing sex).
If you are not going to follow the rules, why would you get married in the first place?

If you marry a woman who goes for this, how much is she going to believe in marriage herself?

You do need to go into marriage with an understanding that neither party is to refuse sex. Illness, menstruation, and childbirth related issues are fair reasons not to engage.
MrMan
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Post by MrMan »

doraemontweety wrote:Hi everyone,nice to meet you all here, I am Doe. I am a Malaysian, and currently on a long-distance relationship with a korean man. I come to Korea to meet him almost once every month. we love each other very much and we treasure each other all along. he has been thinking and learning how to get us two to live together at one place and work things out. unfortunately, out of sudden, just recently, he told me he might have to give up on our relationship due to his parents are being conservative and firm on restricting him from getting a foreign girlfriend.
i really wish to learn more about this issue and wish i could work out something to assure his parents i am more than loving him but to be ready to go through all hardships along. i have not get the chance to meet his parents yet, though.

we are not kids and we have our decisions to work things out or to let it be. i dont want to give up before i try and i wish i could be enlightened on how i should continue to be strong on the obstacles that come along my way.

im having a tearful heart with confused and helpless mind. i hope to be guided and told that i should be hanging in till i try my best to work things out.
thank you for sharing here!
I'm not sure what the attitude is in Malaysia toward intermarriage. Indonesians tend to be okay with intermarriage since they have so many people-groups. I get the idea that Malaysians tend to stick more with their own people-group, unless different pribumi groups intermarrying makes Malaysians comfortable with intermarrying. Do any Malay parents tell their kids, they'd better not marry a Chinese or an Indian? Is there a sense of preserving Asian bloodlines.

My wife is Indonesian, and her family didn't mind if she married outside of her tribe as long as I was adopted in with a family name, so I could be in the people-group as well.

I lived in Korea for a year back in the 1990's. Back then 'international marriage' as they call it was unusual and kind of a big deal. I heard a child who was half Korean and other kids asked him why he didn't go back to his own country. The children weren't totally accepted as Korean. I hear that's a problem with the growing number of mixed children in Korea. Back then, China was lower in economic development than it was then, and farmers would get matched up with ethnic Korean wives from China. It was hard for Korean men in rural areas to find wives. Not many South Korean women wanted to marry them. So they were marrying Korean women from a poorer country. Nowadays, I've read that poor Korean farmers often get wives from Vietnam or the Philippines. Vietnamese women are seen as good for Korean men since they have some similar customs, honoring parents, etc. Some Koreans are Buddhists, too. There are also Vietnamese women who aren't so different looking from Koreans that the children will look all that much different. (I'm comparing this to a Philippino-Korean mix.)

When I was there, South Korea was very homogeneous, both ethnically and culturally. They kind of think the same way about a lot of things. They speak in a code language, even in English. "Let me think about that" means 'no.' Other Koreans know that, while we are waiting on the Koreans to think about it. Acting like you want to do something but dragging your feet can mean 'no', too.

I suspect parental approval is very important to Koreans, like it is to Indonesians in my wife's country. I never really interacted with Koreans on that issue. Convincing them of their child marrying a foreigner is still a big deal to a lot of Koreans. Honestly, marrying a darker skinned race from a less developed country may be a harder sell to Korean parents than marrying a European. In fact, I asked a Korean man about that recently, and he thought that could be the case.
MrMan
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Post by MrMan »

Chanta76,

Aside from cooking, cleaning, and jealousy, how is your marriage? Does she show you appropriate 'attention' frequently enough?

About the jealousy thing, I don't know if putting our foot down really solves the problem. You can put your foot down about leaving the house, going to meetings, the things she's trying to control you about because of her jealousy, but it doesn't solve the jealousy issue.

If she's jealous, that's either just the way she is, or she just hasn't come to trust you yet. My wife and I aren't the jealous type. If some guy were interested in my wife, I'd express some concern about it, tell my wife to be careful, etc. But I still trust her to do the right thing. She tells me if guys seem to show interest. I've done the same thing when women show interest, so we've shown we can trust each other.

If your wife experienced relatives cheating growing up or had a cheating boyfriend, or just people letting her down in different ways, that could make her jealous. So you need to reassure her. You can offer to let her know if women hit on you and give her a few details. Take some steps to protect yourself from temptation, like take a friend if you can if you have to meet with a woman, if you have to drive a woman home whose not your wife, ask her to sit in the back seat. Let your wife know you do these things. If she's concerned you'll cheat, tell her you will be faithful to you, but she can take the edge off the temptation by 'wearing you out' really good at night and keeping you that way.

I do think it is a good idea to establish a pattern where you can put your foot down. I usually can unless my wife gets worked up emotionally. I wished I had done so more as a newly wed, but I can't remember any opportunities for a couple of years. My wife has outright disobeyed me a few times and apologized later, but it's kind of a rare thing. But I don't give her a lot of orders anyway.

As far as the 'if this doesn't work out stuff' goes, you need to get away from that kind of thinking. As long as she doesn't cheat on you and you stay faithful, why wouldn't it work out? Just resolve that you are married and you are going to stay married and work on the relationship.
MrMan
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Post by MrMan »

I had an American friend who had married a Korean girl when I lived in South Korea. She was in her mid 20's and he was probably around 30, a nice looking girl, probably around a 9, thin, hardly spoke any English. He spoke Korean.

He used to tell me way too much information about their sex life. I guess he felt like he needed someone to brag to. He said she said to him, "If you need me in the middle of the night, wake me up." He'd chase her around the bedroom, like she liked, at night, and they'd have sex night after night.

The problem was, I knew his wife, and I didn't want to think about all this sex stuff when I saw her. It was way too much information.

Is this typical of Korean women, or was this just one newly wed couple?
drealm
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Post by drealm »

MrMan wrote:If you are not going to follow the rules, why would you get married in the first place?


I would get married because I fully intend to follow the rules. I just don't intend to promise following them. There is a key difference. Please see fschmidt's "Male sexual fidelity is the ultimate shit test".
MrMan wrote:If you marry a woman who goes for this, how much is she going to believe in marriage herself?
See the above comment. She's not having to go for anything except lack of commitment. No actual extra marital sex would take place in this scenario.
MrMan wrote:You do need to go into marriage with an understanding that neither party is to refuse sex. Illness, menstruation, and childbirth related issues are fair reasons not to engage.
Yes but a woman doesn't share this understanding. So if you assume she has this understanding as part of her default thinking you'll be disappointed and end up sexless.

fschmidt had another post on ovulation and the ideal time to abstain from sex. I'm not sure where the post is.
chanta76
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Post by chanta76 »

Mrman,

Been awhile with this post. To answer your question my wife is traditional in the sense of being a home maker. She is OK with money too . The stereotype about a Korean woman controlling the house hold income is not true. I give my wife an allowance and I control the money flow. There is affection ..I wouldn't call myself an overtly affectionate person so I would say I have more of a problem with that than my wife does regarding affection. In other words I don't give affection too much.

Regarding the jealous issues. It's more of insecurity issue . It's still a problem. You have to realize she gave up her life in Korea to move to USA. She had a good job and left that and pretty much left her friends and family. It's like she would feel more insecure here but I think it's just part of her personality. That's the negative. I do put my foot down. And we do argue..I'm not a womanize nor am I seeking another girl but it is a problem. But we manage.

Regarding your friend who married a Korea girl and the sex life. I think that's just them and everyone is different.

You have to understand growing up in America as an Asian man my experience is similar to Winston . I think many of the posters here are social out cast now I think about it. Now that I'm married I should feel at easy. In some ways yes but in some ways no. It's hard to explain and I think I'm still trying to figure it out.
MrMan
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Post by MrMan »

Chanta76,

It's normal to go through culture shock. If your wife is new here, she may be experiencing that, which could make jealousy or any negative feelings worse. For the first couple of months, a country feels exciting and interesting. Then, the differences between your home country and the culture there (a million tiny things from how the market works to how people interact) create stress and for several months you may feel like you want to leave. About 6 months in, that tends to go away.

My wife was stressed for a while after moving to the US. But there were a lot of other stress factors, unemployment, in-laws, a new baby.

I think you should go out of your way to spend a lot of time with your wife. Try to show her more affection so that she craves seeing you when you come home. Make the most of that newly wed openness to sex and set the bar really high for a normal frequency. Have sex twice as much as you'd like. That way, if frequency drops to half after the first baby, you'll be happy with it.

Some women just have a problem with jealousy. You can tell her if she feels jealous to try to get a grip on her own emotions. If you are thinking, "if this doesn't work out, I'll...", she may pick up on that, which can make her feel unsafe in the relationship. If you have the attitude that the marriage is a sure thing and you'll just adjust no matter what, she may pick up on that and feel safe. If your sex life is active enough, she may assure herself with the idea that you couldn't possibly be getting it anywhere else. A jealous inclination may fuel high sexual frequency down the road, but that's a guess on my part since my wife isn't particularly the jealous type.
MrMan
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Post by MrMan »

drealm,

You have to educate a woman on your sexual needs and come to an understanding before marriage. I told my wife I'd want sex every night after we wed before we got married and she sort of almost agreed she might like that. I was way too beta about it, though.

We did have sex every night for a while after marriage, which turned into every other night and some manual help for me on off nights and periods. That probably got cut in half, I'd say, after the babies started coming along. Honestly, I'm considered middle aged, and I could do with half, but I'd still rather have every night for enjoyment and emotional fulfillment, though I don't sense 'pressure' if I skip a night these days.

If I had it to do over with, when we were getting close to my proposing, I might do this. I'd tell her when we got married, I'd expect her to obey me like a child should obey a parent, and to have sex whenever I wanted, which would be once or twice a day (exceptions for periods, healing up, illness, etc.) I'd have sex with her whenever she wanted to the best of my ability.

Then I think I'd tell her the reason I was saying this was because we were thinking of marriage. But I wanted to be fair to her because some women wouldn't go for what I proposed. I might say I don't want you to answer now. Think about it for 24 hours and let's talk. If you don't want use to move forward with our relationship and you want us to break up, it would hurt, but I would understand. I would not want to be unfair to her.

The 24 hours of her pondering sex with me every night and obedience would imbed the whole conversation in her mind. As it stands now, she doesn't remember her sex every night conversations before marriage over a decade later.

Then, I'd give her some chances to obey me early in marriage and make a point to praise her for it. We didn't have much conflict over the first two years. I can think back to some times where if I were intentional about it, I could have made the conversation an issue of submission and obedience to her husband. I should have driven than home then instead of having to deal with the issue many years later.

We were both virgins at marriage and we are both Christians. If I threatened to cheat on her, she wouldn't believe me and would respect the joke, and she might have a problem with respecting me if she thought I were serious. I believe the husband should provide moral leadership as part of being the head of the home. Threatening to cheat is setting a bad example that you probably don't want your wife to emulate.
newlifeinphilippines
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Post by newlifeinphilippines »

MrMan wrote:drealm,

You have to educate a woman on your sexual needs and come to an understanding before marriage. I told my wife I'd want sex every night after we wed before we got married and she sort of almost agreed she might like that. I was way too beta about it, though.

We did have sex every night for a while after marriage, which turned into every other night and some manual help for me on off nights and periods. That probably got cut in half, I'd say, after the babies started coming along. Honestly, I'm considered middle aged, and I could do with half, but I'd still rather have every night for enjoyment and emotional fulfillment, though I don't sense 'pressure' if I skip a night these days.

If I had it to do over with, when we were getting close to my proposing, I might do this. I'd tell her when we got married, I'd expect her to obey me like a child should obey a parent, and to have sex whenever I wanted, which would be once or twice a day (exceptions for periods, healing up, illness, etc.) I'd have sex with her whenever she wanted to the best of my ability.

Then I think I'd tell her the reason I was saying this was because we were thinking of marriage. But I wanted to be fair to her because some women wouldn't go for what I proposed. I might say I don't want you to answer now. Think about it for 24 hours and let's talk. If you don't want use to move forward with our relationship and you want us to break up, it would hurt, but I would understand. I would not want to be unfair to her.

The 24 hours of her pondering sex with me every night and obedience would imbed the whole conversation in her mind. As it stands now, she doesn't remember her sex every night conversations before marriage over a decade later.

Then, I'd give her some chances to obey me early in marriage and make a point to praise her for it. We didn't have much conflict over the first two years. I can think back to some times where if I were intentional about it, I could have made the conversation an issue of submission and obedience to her husband. I should have driven than home then instead of having to deal with the issue many years later.

We were both virgins at marriage and we are both Christians. If I threatened to cheat on her, she wouldn't believe me and would respect the joke, and she might have a problem with respecting me if she thought I were serious. I believe the husband should provide moral leadership as part of being the head of the home. Threatening to cheat is setting a bad example that you probably don't want your wife to emulate.
i demanded sex with my filipina gf and shed get mad soemtimes i always want ti but it was usually 2 to 4 times a day. but i couldn't hack a wife who only let me do it once a day and especially every other day. Thats why i can't marry a virgin id just can't control myself in this way. Id wind up getting too frustrated if she didn't linkup to me sexually. and most women dont link up to me sexually so i may stay single forever or when im too old to care anymore.
MrMan
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Post by MrMan »

[quote="newlifeinphilippines]
i demanded sex with my filipina gf and shed get mad soemtimes i always want ti but it was usually 2 to 4 times a day. but i couldn't hack a wife who only let me do it once a day and especially every other day. Thats why i can't marry a virgin id just can't control myself in this way. Id wind up getting too frustrated if she didn't linkup to me sexually. and most women dont link up to me sexually so i may stay single forever or when im too old to care anymore.[/quote]

If you marry a girl who is fine with more than once a day every day, that's really the long tail of the bell curve, a very small percentage. A girl who is cool with once a day is rare. If you insist on intercourse more than once a day, chances are you might make her lady parts a bit sore sometimes. If you are okay with other forms of release then a woman might be able to handle that a bit better. Maybe you should go for some fulfillment rather no fulfillment of these desires. I believe in giving women some down time (or at least their feminine parts) during their periods. It is definitely cruel not to give them a rest after childbirth.

Practically, unless you are able to compress a session into a very short period of time, and you do it 2 to 4 times a day, when do you have time for everything else? Especially if you have kids and a busy schedule, that's going to be hard.

A virgin who really believes in obeying her husband who knows her husband has an extraordinary appetite that she will be required to meet is still a good scenario for a man with a big appetite.
newlifeinphilippines
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Post by newlifeinphilippines »

MrMan wrote:[quote="newlifeinphilippines]
i demanded sex with my filipina gf and shed get mad soemtimes i always want ti but it was usually 2 to 4 times a day. but i couldn't hack a wife who only let me do it once a day and especially every other day. Thats why i can't marry a virgin id just can't control myself in this way. Id wind up getting too frustrated if she didn't linkup to me sexually. and most women dont link up to me sexually so i may stay single forever or when im too old to care anymore.
If you marry a girl who is fine with more than once a day every day, that's really the long tail of the bell curve, a very small percentage. A girl who is cool with once a day is rare. If you insist on intercourse more than once a day, chances are you might make her lady parts a bit sore sometimes. If you are okay with other forms of release then a woman might be able to handle that a bit better. Maybe you should go for some fulfillment rather no fulfillment of these desires. I believe in giving women some down time (or at least their feminine parts) during their periods. It is definitely cruel not to give them a rest after childbirth.

Practically, unless you are able to compress a session into a very short period of time, and you do it 2 to 4 times a day, when do you have time for everything else? Especially if you have kids and a busy schedule, that's going to be hard.

A virgin who really believes in obeying her husband who knows her husband has an extraordinary appetite that she will be required to meet is still a good scenario for a man with a big appetite.[/quote][/quote]

The thing is its more than submission to me. I want a girl who naturally wants it alot and initiates which is not the same as a nice girl who just is doing it to please me. I dont want to beg and force or have reluctance. That was the issue with this last girl is i always had to ask and sometimes she was reluctant. The previous girl was fine with it 5 times a day and although most of it was an act it didn't matter cause her enthusiasm was great. She could do it for months.

yeah im looking for that bell curve exception. Taco seems to have found a filipina in that bell curve. Thats why i dont care about education or social status like some guys here. I can't have it all. Frankly if im not satisfied sexually then i see no point in marriage id rather be alone. There is plenty of time in the day even when your busy but i work at home and hope to be retired in a few years so its easier for me to find breaks.
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