How are you supposed to get dates or make friends in America?

[Winston]

It's easier to find friends if you're in your teens or 20's and there are still plenty of single people in your age bracket. It's way harder once you hit your 30's and most people your age spend all their time with their families and at work. As for finding a gf, that's easy - as long as you don't care what she looks like. Otherwise, Winston is right - you have to be very well-connected to find a quality gf in the USA. If you don't have the right references, forget about it.

But when I was in high school, I didn't know how to fit in. The whole environment felt hostile, negative, persecutory, judgmental, ego-deflating and unfriendly, as if everyone wanted to bring me down or nitpick my weaknesses. Not a nice environment at all. How am I supposed to make friends or get dates in that kind of environment which was fundamentally hostile and deflating? Even when girls flirted with me or showed signs of interest, I had no idea what to do about it, as my self-esteem and confidence was shot to nothing.

In my 20's, I had Asian people in my social group. But I was only interested in white girls, who all shunned me and didn't like me or Asian guys in general.

I guess since 80 - 90 percent of Americans are fat and ugly now, finding a fat and ugly girl shouldn't be that hard. But if you want decent looking and above, it's very hard.

[Hero]

So how do people remarry or date again?

It's simple, really. Most American men are wusses who are so desperate that they'll marry anything with a vagina.

[eurobrat]

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[eurobrat]

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[Andrewww]

I didn't have all these problems so I can't really relate Winston, you are certainly a special case.

Have you tried finding a couple of male friends to go out with for starters ? Not everyone is a playboy that only comes out of the house in the company of 3 models and 2 porn stars. Also, don't expect people to initiate conversations with you. Go out as much as possible and share your contact info with everyone you meet, even if they're not 100% perfect (like you ). They might know someone who is up to your standards.

North America is a shithole for dating but it's not so hard to have a social life.

[S_Parc]

I didn't have all these problems so I can't really relate Winston, you are certainly a special case.

Have you tried finding a couple of male friends to go out with for starters ? Not everyone is a playboy that only comes out of the house in the company of 3 models and 2 p**n stars. Also, don't expect people to initiate conversations with you. Go out as much as possible and share your contact info with everyone you meet, even if they're not 100% perfect (like you ). They might know someone who is up to your standards.

North America is a shithole for dating but it's not so hard to have a social life.

I'm getting a sense that Winston believes that a social life is some ready-made condition. It's clearly not, and after a particular age, protocol for making friends and influencing others is rather well laid out. As a person in one's mid-30s, there's little out there which impresses me. Thus, I don't have this need to belong or search for approval. Winston's posts remind me of my 25 year old self, green and unaware of the world at large.

As a person with a social life, I can say one thing .... dating in America sucks, regardless of whether or not one's a socializer with friends. AWs have poisoned the well of decent discourse between the genders. This default condition is NOT going to change, regardless of the Dale Carnegie courses one takes.

Most men do not have a bevy of models, who circle around them. At most, a guy has one love interest, one female "friend", and one female acquaintance. If anything, women have the social dragnet over men in America. That's why you see so many egotistical cougars because ultimately, they always re-connect with their b*tch clubhouses to whine about men. Men, on the other hand, have a tinier circle of acquaintances and thus, have a smaller crowd to bitch and whine with.

[jamesbond]

Some new observations I have after being in America again. Here is a catch 22 I just realized.

In America, the flow of life and the environment seems to revolve around the following consistent core norms:

1. Working or getting a job. This is considered the most important thing.
2. Shopping and consuming, since everything around you in civilization is commercialized.
3. Enjoying the privacy of your own home with your family, or alone.
4. You are not supposed to talk to strangers unless it's business related (e.g. talking to customer service). Neighbors may wave and say hello, but that's all.

The thing is, NONE of this is conducive to making friends, meeting people, or getting dates at all. It seems that virtually everything is built around the ASSUMPTION that you ALREADY have a partner/wife/girlfriend and that you ALREADY have a circle of friends to hang out with, and that these things are not an issue.

Have you ever noticed that? The catch 22 is this: If you don't already have a partner and a close circle of friends, then there's really no way to get one, at least not naturally and simply. In that case, you are screwed and you've hit a wall, because NONE of these cornerstones of American life above are conducive at all to GETTING a girlfriend or meeting girls! I mean, you can't just go out and "get one". You can't just go out and pick up a girl, ask for a date, or even chat up a girl, without looking like a creep or predator who is violating women's right to be left alone. As you know, you are only supposed to talk to strangers in America if it's business related (such as talking to someone in customer service). That's what everyone else does, so it must be the norm right?

Yes, in the US, it's ASSUMED that you already have a girlfriend or wife and have friends to hang out with. I don't why this assumption exists but it does. Also, talking to women when you are out in public is considered "creepy" and "weird."

Is that f***ed up or what? lol. It's ridiculous how the movies make it look so easy to get dates or make friends, but in reality, the primary pillars of American life outlined above are totally NOT conducive to that at all! Doesn't that totally suck?

So what I don't get is: How does society expect you to make friends and find love? It's kind of weird isn't it? Am I missing something here?

Also, how do couples who divorce or break up start dating other people again, as if it were a normal and easy thing to do, in spite of the above? How do "normal people" get around this? Am I missing something?

Or could it be that we are just abnormal in that we aren't square like everyone else who is raising a family in the suburbs, has a stable job, and isn't asking any of these type of questions that I am here? I mean, if we were "normal" and had a home in the suburbs, a family to raise, and a normal job to go to, we wouldn't be on here talking about all this stuff right?

Does that make us weird losers or what? How come society or the media doesn't address this catch-22 I describe above? Do you ever wonder about that?

What do you all think? Am I missing something here? Is there a flaw in my linear logic here?

It seems like in the USA, you need to make your friends early in life (in grade school, high school and college). Once you are out of school, it becomes very difficult to meet people.

In the United States, work is considered the most important thing in your life. Work alcoholism is considered a good thing and is actually encouraged by American society. Making friends and having a social life is not considered to be an important thing in the US.

If you do want to meet women when you are out of school, you really have to rely on your friends to introduce you to someone. Trying to meet women on your own, is like trying to decipher Egyptian hieroglyphics.

[clowny]

This is completely 100% false, if you go out and talk to people you can make friends or even find a girlfriend.

Wtf is wrong with you? Why are you making deliberate false statements? Have you been recruited as a shill? lol

Nothing is 100 percent true or false. But what I described is how it generally is. Why are you denying it? How do you sleep at night making false statements like that?

You accuse other people of making deliberately false statements, then you say in another post that 80-90% of americans are fat? LOL. I don't live in america and even I know that is false because australia was officially ranked the fattest nation in the world a few years back, and apparently 60% of our adult population is overweight.

How much you wanna bet? I'll come to LA now and you show me how you chat up strangers and get dates by walking up to girls and saying "Hi you're hot. Can I get your number?"

Yes, it's really that easy:

[JohnDoe]

(snip)

[JohnDoe]

(snip)

[momopi]

I had the same issues right out of college. In school it was easy to meet people because they were of similar age group and interests. Once you graduate, your friends scatter to the four winds and you find yourself dropped into an ocean without a life vest. Unlike Taiwan, US is a much bigger place and your school friends move far away for grad school or work.

Being out of school makes you realize what kind of sheltered. easy environment you were in. Making friends and connections become much harder in the "real world". If you want to befriend your coworkers, join them for happy hour, and get invited to their homes, you need to work at it. The first step to understanding is to meet, greet, and thank your mail man for his hard work in bringing your mail every day. Once you are comfortable with doing this, go greet your neighbors and learn how to talk to them. Ask about their elderly parent's health, how their kids are doing in school, get to know their pet dogs, etc.

If you approach your coworkers with the mentality of "all they talk about is work" or "these people never do or talk about anything interesting", then you should probably not expect to get very far. Also, just as not every women will find you attractive, some people will refuse to befriend you no matter what you do, they simply don't like you enough. You could work with a Japanese coworker for 10 years and be friendly with him at work and never get invited into his home. Condos and apartments have more short-term residents that do not want to be bothered with investing the time and effort of getting to know their neighbors. A suburban cul-de-sac, on the other hand, is more likely to consist of homeowners who have lived there for years and are on first name basis with their neighbors.

Befriending your coworkers means you might have to listen to them blab about their martial problems, or if you're dumb enough, getting involved with a female coworker who sits next to you and, after the relationship comes to an end, having the awkwardness of seeing her sitting next to you every day for the next 6 months. Or her new BF coming over a visit and giving you the evil eye.

[clowny]

Just because people are getting phone numbers doesn't mean their getting dates or even being able to see them again. Keep in mind American women are ultra flakey and untrustworthy. The numbers could be fake, and even if they were to setup a date, theres a very high chance she might not show.

I bet if you ask the guys how many dates or lays that got from the numbers, it would be less than half or none at all.

If you think getting lots of phone numbers equals lots of dates and sex think again. Even paul janka, one of the worlds greatest pua's said only 10% of the women he approached ending up going on a date with him, and even less had sex with him. Plus this guy approached hundreds of women!!!

just go to any pua forum and search for field reports, you'll find tons of stories of guys getting dozens of phone numbers but 0 dates or lays. so trust me the problem is certainly not winston or any other guy. its the Women.

I'm not saying its impossible to get dates or sex with american women. Just extremely improabable and thats IF your lucky. Don't make it seem like guys are just approaching women and getting dates/sex left and right by going "hey whats your number? we should hook up soon!" then they hook up Because thats not happening. Lets be realistic here.

Of course you're not going to have sex with every girl who gives you her phone number. It's the same with anything in life. Are you going to get every single job you apply for? No, that's impossible because employers have more than one applicant to choose from. Same deal with women - any female who is half-decent looking will probably have more than one guy to choose from. It's called competition. That's life. Have you ever met a salesman who sells his product to every prospective buyer? Of course not. It's a numbers game. He might start out making one sale for every ten prospects he talks to, but his odds go up slightly with improved experience and skill. The same principle applies to getting women - in any part of the world, not just america.

BTW, the guy in the first pickup video I posted said in the youtube comments that he did meet up with the girl a couple weeks later and she was a very sweet girl.

[E Irizarry R&B Singer]

Yes, it's really that easy:

".....it's 8-0-1...." Utah??? Hahahahaa I bet if he looked like Tyler the Creator or Rick Moranis, he might have been dissed big time.

[E Irizarry R&B Singer]

In that "Put Your Number In My Phone." vid, the first girl with the wide-hips in the blue jeans had a nice a.ss-hip combo going on there concurrently.
Secondly, look at YouTuber's TheTimmy2fast's comment that has 13 thumbs up about that sh.it doesn't work in the UK and not if you're Black like him!

[celery2010]

When you get older:

Charity events
Black tie events
weddings
conventions
dinner parties
trade shows
networking events
people you work with, especially if you work with all kinds of independent contractors through work
wine tastings
private parties
industry events
friends of friends

starting to get the picture?


When you are younger:

Find a clique:

Parties
Concerts
Poetry readings
sports events
tailgating
hobbies (skiing, surfing, rockclimbing, sports)
anime conventions
meetup groups
multi day parties/concerts/events like South by Southwest, Film festivals, Coachella, etc.
internet interest pages/groups
facebook groups
going to bars and nightclubs
volunteering
charity events
classes
friends of friends
coffee shops
going to bars or nightclubs on weeknights or "event" nights where people are more open to strangers
industry events like CMJ music festival in NY

You have to start thinking outside the box. Entrepreneurs make money by thinking outside the box. Last time i checked Chinese people seem to have a born natural talent for this and more so than other asian nationalities.

It's like trying to make money as a minimum wage worker and continually complaining about life, when you should be creating opportunities.

Or it's like complaining how much you get rejected when looking for a job. It's hard, but somehow most people find jobs. It takes some creativity and thinking outside the bix.

There are more than enough opportunities to meet people out there. You need to put yourself out there and try. Just like people who want to start a business. Not everyone can do this, but it's time you try.