Sending money to her family after you marry

[Halwick]

A friend of a friend back in the UK sends them £0. He sends his Filipina out to work, and she sends part of HER money back home.

This is the way to handle this.

I am not sure it makes a big difference (other than psychologically) whether you send money from your paycheck or your wife sends it from her's. If you're married it's joint assets. Different story if you're not married.

I am newly married to a Filipina and I know my wife would like to be able to help her family. As a general theory I am for this. In reality however there has to be communication, agreement, and firm limits. Do you send a monthly allowance, assist only for emergencies, send the occasional box of goods, or as some fools do, send money every time a cousin knocks up his gf?

Every guy I talk to has a different notion of how to go about it and some refuse to do it at all. It's a topic that could fill a book.

Americans are very independent and like to think that they never have to help anyone but it isn't always true and certainly wasn't true in past generations. My maternal grandfather came to live with us the last couple years of his life, after he got cancer. I know for a fact that my dad helped pay for the nursing home care of my maternal grandmother.

Course nowadays most Americans don't have to do that because they get divorced before such events might occur, but if you actually marry and live with someone for a large chunk of years you have to expect that it is possible that at some point relatives will need help and you will be asked to chip in. So if it happens in this culture, you know it's gonna happen in a poor culture like PI.

YMMV. Personally I am sort of a cheap SOB and have let my wife know that while I am open to genuine major emergencies I have no interest in assisting every sibling or cousin wanting a handout.

Davewe, you are right that you have to communicate very clearly and set groundrules with regards to sending remittance to your wife's family.

Curious: When you laid down the groundrules, what was her reaction? Was she unusually quiet, sulked, or not her usual affectionate self for a few days?

Don't be surprised she will find a way to send money to her relatives anyway, regardless how you feel about it.

[mguy]

Thanks for all your input so far, everybody. It sounds like most Filipinas expect money to be sent. So enlighten me some more if you can...

1) Do the middle class Filipino parents have the same shame about accepting outside help that American middle class people might?

2) Would most Filipina fiancés/wives come to an explicit agreement, versus an implicit one, if you tried to get them to spell it out? How would they react?

3) As you have kids with her, does her family eventually take a back seat to the well-being of your own kids and you as a couple (i.e. making sure their higher ed gets funded, making sure you will be able to retire, etc.)?

I'm Filipino-American so I can help you out here.

1.) One could generalize and say that there is no middle class Filipinos, only the rich and the poor. If they are asking you for money this signals that you married into the masa type. They must be from a poor socio-economic position. It doesn't take much to survive here, so asking for help implies a degree of poverty. With poverty, is a mentality.. this "poverty mentality" and with it is the gall to ask for financial help from a newly wed couple. This is what I don't like, this poor mentality (which annoyingly exists trust me!) so you have to understand it and learn to expect it.

2.) I think when Filipinas are looking for foreigners, especially when they meet online, this implies financial support. It may seem like a fancy dream, but at the end of the day, they married because of financial support and not because they are liberal types and you are soul mates. I think most people here are old enough to know this. I advise you to send the money if you have it, but don't send it if it's a non-major issue (nobody is going to die). In a way, you have to "train" them. If you don't deal with this now they will abuse it.

3.) Yes of course

[Halwick]

Thanks for all your input so far, everybody. It sounds like most Filipinas expect money to be sent. So enlighten me some more if you can...

1) Do the middle class Filipino parents have the same shame about accepting outside help that American middle class people might?

2) Would most Filipina fiancés/wives come to an explicit agreement, versus an implicit one, if you tried to get them to spell it out? How would they react?

3) As you have kids with her, does her family eventually take a back seat to the well-being of your own kids and you as a couple (i.e. making sure their higher ed gets funded, making sure you will be able to retire, etc.)?

Interesting response from Mr. Mguy and different from what I've observed of my friends' Fililpina wives here in the U.S. Guess it depends on the Filipina, her social class and where she is from. From what I've observed, my friends' Filipinas are from a working class, some very poor, others comfortable but not wealthy, some with a college education, most high school education or less. So, with that caveat, my observations:

1) Shame in asking for financial support: The Filipinas I've met don't seem to be ashamed to ask their husbands, even non-relatives, for financial aid. I'll never forget one of my friend's Filipina wife said to me (out of her husband's earshot) that they are "struggling" and she didn't want her husband to know she was asking for help and could I give her $100? She made it sound like I have an obligation to help my friend. I have to admit she had a lot of gutzpah. Later I talked with my friend and he said they are not "struggling" at all. Hmm.....

2) Re reactions to groundrules being spelled out: All my friends' Filipina wives reacted with "tampo", a sort of a quiet, sulking silent treatment, when she didn't agree with the terms. When asked explicitly what they want, the reply was "Up to you."

3) All my friends who are married to Filipinas tell me her priorities are (from first to last): Her children, her family (parents, siblings and relatives in the PI), her, and finally him.

Again, one thing is certain: Either he subsidizes his wife's family or she does. That seems to be non-negotiated issue.

[Breezebay3]

I was married to a Japanese girl for 18 years, who I sadly lost to cancer, and had no trouble about money at all...ever! In fact, I can't remember my wife ever using the word "money", she had a career and the parents were diligent and both worked worked hard.

My friends in the Philippines, mostly retired military, have many horror stories, however. One notable, a guy was sending money to her parents to help support them and the son (her brother) used the money to buy a new motorbike! I now live in Thailand and same deal here! The family think the western guy is a millionaire and all the girl talks about is money, money, money...and there are constant dramas. I think these Asians are complete parasites who know every dirty trick to avoid working. If they do work it's constant arguments about the money. They love money...they sit counting it and actually talking to it.

I'm thinking of marrying an educated, middle-class Filipino girl, but I'm going to lay down some ground rules first. Two payments a year of $100 each and boxes sent home as gifts, clothing, etc. if she is not satisfied with that I'll move on and find someone else. The reason why the Japanese are rich and the Filipino is poor is that the Japanese work hard, are diligent, have ambition and aspirations. By contrast, the Filipino is lazy, indolent and looking for hand outs with no ambition. If you constantly send money to people like that they are just going to waste it.

[Zambales]

Mr. Wanderlust,

Another man I know who initially sent money to his wife's family, eventually had to discontinue the support because of his children's college expenses, his increasing medical expenses, etc. His Filipina wife reacted very negatively and eventually divorced him, but not before stripping him of most of his assets and getting the house.

This is the one of the reasons to why you should never support the family, simply because you're unable to predict what's around the corner. That generosity you showed initially can be quickly forgotten once payments are not sustained, just like in this instance. It's called entitlement which unfortunately is a common human trait. Sound familiar? Western women? Frying pan? Fire?

Even if you can still afford to send money, this can present another problem by the family asking for extra regularly at some point thus opening up another can of worms.

None of the guys I know who are married to Filipina's send money over. Their wives support their family by choosing to work - a hallmark of a thoroughly decent Pinay.

Anyhow, money shouldn't be a deciding factor where marriage is concerned should it?

[Zambales]

3) All my friends who are married to Filipinas tell me her priorities are (from first to last): Her children, her family (parents, siblings and relatives in the PI), her, and finally him.

My previous Filipina's priorities.

In second place : FAMILY

In joint first place : God and me

[MrMan]

My wife is Indonesian. We've sent her parents money in the past. But it wasn't like a monthly deal, just from time to time. Recently, my wife has started sending her dad money every month, less than $100 per month, I think. I think another sister helped with this sort of thing in the past. Three of her siblings are broke. I offered for her sister and her husband to start a business with me in a field related to what her husband does. It would take some research. They probably don't know where to begin. But they didn't take me up on it. I told my wife to offer over the phone. I didn't sit down with her husband who lives far away. I'd like to see them doing a little better off. Better off siblings mean they can help their dad more, too.

If my parents needed money, I'd be willing to send them money every month. I am if they aren't, but they don't want me to. My dad is spends money on me when I go to visit, buying me stuff, taking me, my wife and kids out to eat. Her dad isn't as well off. He's got a house, which is good.

Filippinos may be slightly more into sending a certain amount every month than Indonesians. And it probably depends on the family, their economic class, and the region.

You can think of it as a bride price, paid after the fact, in on-going installments. If you wanted to pay it up front, you could buy an annuity for a lump sum that gives out money to her parents over the years. If it had some kind of growth factor, you could account for inflation and increase the payments over time. If you actually owned it, you could keep it after they pass away. I don't know if the Filippines has trusts to put these things in if you don't want to pay taxes on it and don't mind if your brothers and sisters-in-law inherit it afterward.

[Zambales]

I offered for her sister and her husband to start a business with me in a field related to what her husband does. It would take some research. They probably don't know where to begin. But they didn't take me up on it.

I had the business idea and it's a good one - in theory. Make them earn a better life for themselves just like we have to.

My clan were disinterested too. They probably thought they didn't have to make the effort seeing I was a multi-zillionaire in their eyes and that cash would automatically flow right into their pockets.

In your case, perhaps you should stop sending money altogether.

"What was that business idea you had?"

[publicduende]

I was married to a Japanese girl for 18 years, who I sadly lost to cancer, and had no trouble about money at all...ever! In fact, I can't remember my wife ever using the word "money", she had a career and the parents were diligent and both worked worked hard.

I am living in the Philippines right now, running a business. I also had a Japanese girlfriend many years ago, for 2.5 years, while still living in London. Yes she was a bit plain, pragmatic and sometimes even boring. But one thing I can say, her family was solid middle class and they were actually the ones spoiling us whenever they visited London. Her stepfather was a business owner and I still have the outrageous $5,000 reflex camera he bought me on one on his trip to London.

Filipinas are a very different breed. Yes there are middle class and even upper middle class families, especially in Metro Manila, but they would rarely mingle with foreigners unless there are business reasons. Their families would hardly even entertain the notion of having their daughters hooked up with an adult divorcee from the US or Europe. They have their own social circles that provide them plenty of social and business opportunities. A bit like in the States, the Philippines also have a bit of a varsity mentality, so many a young couple meets and starts dating while studying at one of these prestigious campuses: Ateneo (de Manila), La Salle, UP, UST, FEU, etc.

My friends in the Philippines, mostly retired military, have many horror stories, however. One notable, a guy was sending money to her parents to help support them and the son (her brother) used the money to buy a new motorbike! I now live in Thailand and same deal here! The family think the western guy is a millionaire and all the girl talks about is money, money, money...and there are constant dramas. I think these Asians are complete parasites who know every dirty trick to avoid working. If they do work it's constant arguments about the money. They love money...they sit counting it and actually talking to it.

I'm thinking of marrying an educated, middle-class Filipino girl, but I'm going to lay down some ground rules first. Two payments a year of $100 each and boxes sent home as gifts, clothing, etc. if she is not satisfied with that I'll move on and find someone else. The reason why the Japanese are rich and the Filipino is poor is that the Japanese work hard, are diligent, have ambition and aspirations. By contrast, the Filipino is lazy, indolent and looking for hand outs with no ambition. If you constantly send money to people like that they are just going to waste it.

That's because, as adult foreigners, we have easy access to the kinds of poor Filipinas whom (and whose families) are much more likely to need money...and ask for it! Not to rain on your parade, but you will find that past maybe your mid-30s, finding the educated middle-class Filipina you mention above will be a much, much harder task. Given a choice, a Filipino will always marry another Filipino, perhaps a Filipino mestizo/a. That's the rule. For a Filipina to resort to a foreigner, either:

1) the foreigner is young, extremely handsome and is basically someone the girl can show (off) to their family and friends and be proud of - this, regardless to the young man's socio-economic status. Some young US soldiers for example do pretty well with the Filipinas.

2) the woman is below the top of the crop of the dating pool and would find it hard to find a good Filipino man. Between settling for a Filipino young man who is uneducated, rude, perhaps will be lazy, get drunk and even beat her up, she will choose a thousand times the comfort and the quality of an adult foreigner. In this case, looks and age don't make much of a difference. This is the category we can access. Most of us will probably be contented with a girl like this, so long she is young and cute, takes care of the man and the house...and doesn't ask much in exchange.