No more passion in a relationship - What can you do?

[Winston]

I have a question. If you never make love to your partner anymore cause the passion is gone and there's no stimulation in doing so (can't get it up in other words), what can you do?

Don't long term relationships normally become sexless after a while? Isn't that normal? If so, what can you do about it? Won't you start seeking other partners at that point?

A lot of Americans of Gen X and Y believe that if the passion is gone in a relationship, then it's over and wasn't meant to be, and that your partner was never your soulmate, because soulmates last forever. But isn't that flawed logic?

So what do you think? If a relationship becomes sexless after a while, does that mean that the relationship is over and wasn't meant to be? Or is that natural and normal? If it's normal, then why stay in it?

Any of you in long term relationships care to give your input on this?

Of course, some people are inherently polyamorous too, such as me and Ladislav, so we have to consider that as well.

[Enishi]

Even married partners who get along very well can lose sexual interest in each other over time. Sex may become less frequent, but that doesn't mean it can't be special when it happens.

If there absolutely ZERO passion however (and based on your descriptions of Diane I don't blame you) then it might not be salvageable.

[Mr S]

Well if your hell bent on still banging Diane then just take some Viagra an hour before you want to f**k, that should take care of your issues. It's easy to get there in AC...

[djfourmoney]

Sex Frequency drops usually after a child is born and that's completely understandable. It almost pays to marry a woman that keeps fit and has a support network of at least her mother if not grandmother as well. We push for Foreign Wives here so this is hard to do. This would require help from your parents. This is why harmony between all parties is I believe very important.

That said, I find motherhood sexy. I find pregnancy sexy. I don't see how I would be all of a sudden not attracted to the mother of my children and the woman that makes me feel like I'm the hero in her life. I won't marry a woman without that feeling, period.

I don't envision sexual desire fading as long as my wife somewhat keeps her figure. Since attractive white women fight aging very vigorously, while women of color have the advantage of melon in their skin to fight advanced aging, if I'm able to wed a woman of about 25-30, she'll be attractive well into my retirement years....

I don't believe in soul mates, you can find perfect matches but the chances of you meeting her isn't very good. So the best thing to do is find somebody that matches what you want as closely as possible with very little downside.

[keius]

Soulmates = rubbish. Meant to be ...fate.... that's all garbage.

Both parties need to make an effort to reignite some of that spark. The dwindling of passion is natural. Get kinky. Get affectionate.
In your case, i don't really see that happening though...considering your circumstances.

[Adama]

From a non-judgmental POV, I think the real problem is that you have simply had sex with too many women, and it is the lack of variety that disinterests you. That's the sort of lifestyle that ruins you sexually for any one single woman.

I used to have this friend who was successful with women and literally slept with thousands, for free. He'd tell me how after a week or so with the same woman, he could no longer get an erection. But if he met a new girl in the same day, even if he couldnt get an erection with the previous girl he was used to, he could still get an erection for the new woman.

That's what happens to you when you have been with too many partners. I assume it is only worse in women, cause women used to connect sex with love. You know you arent getting that with a whore (though none of this is relevant to Wu's situation, just continuing the line of thought).

[fschmidt]

Winston, don't have sex or masturbate for a week or two. That should solve the problem. I have been married for 20 years, so maybe you will consider my advice.

[The_Adventurer]

If you no longer feel passion for a girl, regardless of how long you have been together, it is not your fault. She has failed to bring passion out of you. The wife whose husband has ceased to desire her has no grounds to complain. The same is true for the husband whose wife has lost interest in him. He cannot claim any special vows made during a wedding ceremony. No one is obliged to desire, love or feel passion for another because of vows, rules or rituals. That person has failed to continue to do whatever it is that created the passion or desire in the first place.

When the relationship is new, or in the courtship stage, people put out their best. They act their best, dress their best and create thrills that build an emotional high. After a while, they become comfortable, usually to the point of complacency. They no long do those things which made the new relationship an emotional ride. Worse still, they do not grow. finding or creating new things to add energy to the relationship.

Both the man and woman must continually grow, and let that courtship stage of the relationship never end. One who is continually expanding will always be creating new attractions for their partner. They will always be creating new things to be passionate about. This is what life is. It is expansion, growth and increase. Whoever has ceased to increase is sure to see dissolution begin to appear all around them.

[Taco]

Its impossible to keep the passion intensity in your relationaship high forever. Relationships change over time thats why you need to have some common interests. No matter how sexy your wife or girlfriend might be eventually your going to get tired of banging her. Making love to your wife will become a chore like taking out the trash, theres no way around it. Your testosterone levels drop at about 1% a year and human gowth hormone drops at 50% every 7 years both of which are responsible for your sex drive. By the time your 40 yrs old you'll be deficient in both hormones and it will take a lot more to keep you interested. Thats when you take up new hobbies like passing out in front of the TV.

[djfourmoney]

Its impossible to keep the passion intensity in your relationaship high forever. Relationships change over time thats why you need to have some common interests. No matter how sexy your wife or girlfriend might be eventually your going to get tired of banging her. Making love to your wife will become a chore like taking out the trash, theres no way around it. Your testosterone levels drop at about 1% a year and human gowth hormone drops at 50% every 7 years both of which are responsible for your sex drive. By the time your 40 yrs old you'll be deficient in both hormones and it will take a lot more to keep you interested. Thats when you take up new hobbies like passing out in front of the TV.

I don't think that's always true. If a flame burns WHITE HOT, its bound to burn out soon. But a steady flame last a long time, just basic common sense. I love women and I will love the woman that becomes my wife. Do I notice other women? Sure, but eh, I've spent a long time looking at women I'll never f**k so its blase' to me I just don't care, I don't have "Hollywood Crushes" or any of that BS.

Its hard to say without being married and all that and my parents stop having sex as my step father blames his bad back for it. Well he fell when he was younger in the yard. He's also left handed and as we all know left handed people are more clumsy...

Anyway, I just don't think this scenario will happen to me and I know loosing testosterone has an effect on desire, but I LOVE WOMEN and I can for sure tell you that the woman I marry will be at the very least attractive if not beautiful. Beauty does fade but it will be a long time coming IMHO, especially if she's under 30 which I hope she is. Plus the fact that the better overall quality of life in the West will have a generally more positive effect on her long term, she'll be attractive for a very long time, at least 30-35 years.

I don't find obesity sex and by being Slavic she'll understand that she needs to remain "sexy" as when I married her. I didn't see many Babushkas in Kiev....

[davewe]

Having been married and divorced I have a different view. I used to believe that lack of sex between long term married couples was because of problems in the marriage and that those problems should be addressed and then the sexual desire would rekindle. I dont believe this anymore.

My ex and I even had a couples therapist who encouraged us to have sex once or twice a week. We both said "Dont we have to solve our problems first?"

Now I think this way. If you and your gf/wife are giving each other regular joy and pleasure, then daily nit picky arguments will fade. How can you fight over the toothpaste when she gave you a great bj that morning.

So, for me, sex is of primary importance and I will tell anyone I consider marrying this.

As to the decrease in libido with age, I am 58 and am still waiting for that to happen. It decreased in the last years of my marriage and then reappeared big time literally the day I moved out and has not faded since! Thus my interest in younger foreign women.

I figure if the libido goes on fumes in 10 years I'd better take advantage of it now!

[jcris7]

A very common problem in marriages that lose the sexual spark and interest is because couples have too much sex, and orgasms are too frequent. In the Western world, we are very focused on mating based sex (orgasm). A scientific principle known as the "Coolidge Effect" triggers waning attraction between partners. The hard-wired biology in our brains is working against us here. Post-orgasmic fallout and its effects can kill monogamous relationships.

There is a style of lovemaking known as Karezza. It is zen based, and does not make orgasm the focal point of lovemaking. There is a lot of touch, tenderness and connection involved. This has reportedly rekindled the heat between couples who were starting to become distanced from each other and losing interest. "Karezza yields benefits because it sidesteps hidden neurochemical fallout. Orgasm, and more particularly sexual satiety, is a (delicious) neurochemical blast, which sends out ripples for as long as two weeks while as the body returns to equilibrium"

A lot of people may think "sex without orgasm? WTF?" That may be the problem, is orgasm itself. To quote some text I found on the subject:

"Intriguingly, Canadian research recently confirmed that "great sex" is generally not focused on orgasm. The head researcher also noted that, "There is plenty of evidence that most people believe that the secret to sexual fulfillment is technical, that it's about better manual and oral stimulation techniques." However, the study showed that "You could have terrible sex with orgasms and despite orgasms, but you could have optimal sexuality without orgasm. Marriage counselors sometimes recommend that couples seeking to reconcile begin by refraining from conventional sex, but engage in affectionate touch or even non-goal-oriented intercourse. (Both gently raise dopamine and oxytocin without triggering the full passion cycle.) Perhaps bonding techniques of this type restore positive feelings because our "mating" and "bonding" programs operate on distinct subconscious cues. When we project these conflicting signals (of attachment/attraction and satiety/aversion) onto a mate we may feel like we're falling in, and out, of love in bewildering way. In effect, we're delivering mixed signals at a level below the conscious mind."

[crazyaboutabroad]

Why my post was deleted?

[E_Irizarry]

Having been married and divorced I have a different view. I used to believe that lack of sex between long term married couples was because of problems in the marriage and that those problems should be addressed and then the sexual desire would rekindle. I dont believe this anymore.

My ex and I even had a couples therapist who encouraged us to have sex once or twice a week. We both said "Dont we have to solve our problems first?"

Now I think this way. If you and your gf/wife are giving each other regular joy and pleasure, then daily nit picky arguments will fade. How can you fight over the toothpaste when she gave you a great bj that morning.

So, for me, sex is of primary importance and I will tell anyone I consider marrying this.

As to the decrease in libido with age, I am 58 and am still waiting for that to happen. It decreased in the last years of my marriage and then reappeared big time literally the day I moved out and has not faded since! Thus my interest in younger foreign women.

I figure if the libido goes on fumes in 10 years I'd better take advantage of it now!

That's something to look forward to when I become 58. Awesomeness.

[davewe]

A very common problem in marriages that lose the sexual spark and interest is because couples have too much sex, and orgasms are too frequent. In the Western world, we are very focused on mating based sex (orgasm). A scientific principle known as the "Coolidge Effect" triggers waning attraction between partners. The hard-wired biology in our brains is working against us here. Post-orgasmic fallout and its effects can kill monogamous relationships.

There is a style of lovemaking known as Karezza. It is zen based, and does not make orgasm the focal point of lovemaking. There is a lot of touch, tenderness and connection involved. This has reportedly rekindled the heat between couples who were starting to become distanced from each other and losing interest. "Karezza yields benefits because it sidesteps hidden neurochemical fallout. Orgasm, and more particularly sexual satiety, is a (delicious) neurochemical blast, which sends out ripples for as long as two weeks while as the body returns to equilibrium"

A lot of people may think "sex without orgasm? WTF?" That may be the problem, is orgasm itself. To quote some text I found on the subject:

"Intriguingly, Canadian research recently confirmed that "great sex" is generally not focused on orgasm. The head researcher also noted that, "There is plenty of evidence that most people believe that the secret to sexual fulfillment is technical, that it's about better manual and oral stimulation techniques." However, the study showed that "You could have terrible sex with orgasms and despite orgasms, but you could have optimal sexuality without orgasm. Marriage counselors sometimes recommend that couples seeking to reconcile begin by refraining from conventional sex, but engage in affectionate touch or even non-goal-oriented intercourse. (Both gently raise dopamine and oxytocin without triggering the full passion cycle.) Perhaps bonding techniques of this type restore positive feelings because our "mating" and "bonding" programs operate on distinct subconscious cues. When we project these conflicting signals (of attachment/attraction and satiety/aversion) onto a mate we may feel like we're falling in, and out, of love in bewildering way. In effect, we're delivering mixed signals at a level below the conscious mind."

This is great stuff. I study tantra and the philosophy is the same. Too much emphasis on ejaculation. Orgasms in tantra can happen without ejaculating but even sex without orgasm can be pleasurable. There is often too much emphasis on the finish line.

However, the OP and his wife have more complex issues I am thinking. Nonetheless sex therapy or tantric study might help.