Desperately need ideas

[ijohn]

In reality, a decent love life is very difficult for men who really are
real life James Bonds- it is in fact a very difficult life. I suppose that a man unwilling to make a choice either way may end up caught in an endless cycle of desire and defeat.

Yes, James Bond has no love life. He has a sex life and female company for fun but no love. Every new movie he is with a new girl. The girls he knew from before are forgotten. He does not call them, they do not call him. They spent time together but no attachment happened. They have no relationship, no stake in each other's life.

There are some people who are real james bond types. Then they will not be comfortable with the requirements of a decent love life. If this is you this is you, you can only be yourself. But yes you have to choose. If you get stuck not choosing because you are afraid of paying the price of the choice you make, whichever it is, or for whatever other reason, then desire and defeat will be your story.

There is one other possiblity that some people have tried and some spiritual thinkers have advocated as healthy and necessary. This is a phase of experimentation before commitment and marriage. This helps at least in theory a person know better who they are and what fits them versus having to make do with what the culture decided as can happen in some arranged marriages.

But when do you stop experimenting? The transition out of experimentation to commitment is not easy. Some get stuck in experimenting phase even when it has stopped being interesting.

Osho advocated free love and experimentation with an eye to finding a 'better' fit. There was the assumption that by knowing better who you were and having enough experience you would be able to arrive at 'true' love. His ashram and commune were very popular in the seventies and eighties, where people tried to live this approach. The original devotees are old now and how has the experiment worked out?

A few, a small fraction, moved on from experimenting to a stable home with one partner.
Some were drawn to the lifestyle but didn't get much at all, in the swirling pond of sexual competitiveness they didn't really get noticed.
Some experimented like crazy and remained single, unable to translate the romantic feelings into something more solid or just didn't want to, when the immediate romantic feelings died they moved on to someone else. Some seemed content with their single status, others seemed lonely.
Some are still rotating around the devotees pool looking to hook up among the dwindling pool of aged devotees. They got stuck in the experimenting and searching. Whether they are content with this who knows, but it is hard to imagine too many of them would be. What is the joy of searching for a partner well into your sixties? You are more dead than alive. What is left for you to share ?

Well I guess that just about covers it all. Good luck men whatever road you are on, may you find joy and fulfillment.

[i_want_a_hot_white_chick]

I've come to the conclusion that I'm just a boring guy. I've never been able to be charming, exciting, or interesting to women. I suck at trying to tell good jokes or stories. And I can't seem to exhibit any attractive charisma. But I still need to get laid. (It's been 5+ long lonely years without now)
And it's very depressing to find that I'm not doing any better with these supposedly easier lower-tier women than I was with American girls.
What can I do???
If anyone has any ideas/suggestions I'd greatly appreciate it.

I have the same problem with women. It is such a pain to try to think of something to say. I have found that one good way around this is to try to find some kind of game you can play with her. Maybe you can teach her some silly game like 20 questions and then play that game with her. Also you might want to see if there is any online game she might be interested in playing.

[djfourmoney]

I never found it too difficult to talk to women. I'll say it again, my problem is what I desire doesn't quite match up with what end up with.

Example -

I want thin and attractive, I'll give some petty stuff to get somebody with a solid outgoing personality.

What usually happens -

I get solid, outgoing personally, but I also get either too skinny or overweight. Nothing in the middle. Or I get women loaded down with children (usually 2).

The last one is usually a result of my age. The foreign women I know best are Germans, so we'll use them as an example. Those that are interested in African-Americans, venture to some town near a US Military installation, like K-Town or Kaiserslautern. They usually do this lin their ate teens, early 20's. Some of them get involved with these men and have their children. Somewhere the relationship breaks down. Not to take sides but I have found, it is usually the man's fault (cheating), thus the women feel they can just find a replacement but no longer want anybody from the military for variety of reasons.

In that vain I have meet in person or known 7 German women. Only ONE did not have children. Funny I lost contact with her first, figures -



Now my main problem with all these women, I was never financially prepared to see them (or so I thought...)

The very first one I met is my friend Silke. She even came to the US for a friend's wedding. I always found it interesting to talk to her on the phone, she sounds like a Black Women and no accent in present -



She's engaged the last time I spoke too her, geezus it took almost a decade for that to happen... I've known her since 1997.

The point is for me the timing was just wrong.

To me it should be easy to talk to women, they already know they are the prey. You need to treat them like prey... You can't admit defeat either, some men frankly aren't interesting and rudderless but everybody has a talent and can do something. If you can't find things to talk about online, then you should avoid long online chats, if you have the same problem on the phone, then you need to make plans to see these women, its really that simple. If THEN you can't find anything to talk about, I have no idea what to tell you.

Maybe you need more life experiences.

[scooltim]

I feel the Internet is also more difficult. I prefer my people, who can talk for a few hours or a few hours, or listen. This is a good thing, but a bit out of people online.

[ladislav]

In reality, a decent love life is very difficult for men who really are
real life James Bonds- it is in fact a very difficult life. I suppose that a man unwilling to make a choice either way may end up caught in an endless cycle of desire and defeat.

Yes, James Bond has no love life. He has a sex life and female company for fun but no love. Every new movie he is with a new girl. The girls he knew from before are forgotten. He does not call them, they do not call him. They spent time together but no attachment happened. They have no relationship, no stake in each other's life.

There are some people who are real james bond types. Then they will not be comfortable with the requirements of a decent love life. If this is you this is you, you can only be yourself. But yes you have to choose. If you get stuck not choosing because you are afraid of paying the price of the choice you make, whichever it is, or for whatever other reason, then desire and defeat will be your story.

The above argument presupposes that we have a choice between real love and indiscriminate dating and temporary highs. In some places there are no such choices. Some people live in bad places in bad circumstances where either neither is available or pay for play is the only choice. I spent most of my adult life in such insane places where real love was just not around even if I wanted it. Or the type that I wanted was not available. Or women in those places did not want to date me. Or I had to move away. So, yeah, true love would be nice, it is just that I want to find a person like that and I have certain standards, they are not high, but I would like to have someone who is kind and someone whom I can talk to and who does not have bad history and is just my type physically, not beautiful, but just cute. You try finding a person like that in Saudi Arabia where I spent 6 years or in Oman where I spent 3 years or in Kuwait- going on my second year. Or in the US. Circumstances, place you are at, the culture you are in, your financial situation, politics and your national/ethnic origin are all crucial factors in whether you can find that true love. And while it is not possible, well, we do have desires so on a short vacation we go see a hooker and have those satisfied. Totally fulfilling? No! Better than jacking off in the Saudi desert? Yes!

Also, I met my type several times but she was not interested in me.

James Bond is a fictional character by the way.

[Truthville]

Great thread!

youcancallmeal? I wish I could feel your pain, but I can't. Conversation with anyone, including women, is pretty easy for me. I swear it's genetic because:

1.)My father CAN and WILL talk to a complete stranger for 30 minutes or more.
2.)My brother can charm the panties of a nun, if he wants to.
3.)I used to, 2 years ago, correspond with the most intelligent women I have ever met. We not only yahoo chatted, we also wrote emails, sometimes 10 pages or more, daily. She was a Flipina!

In addition, I read quite a bit, try to stay current on things happening around the world, and have a curiousity for learning that has served me well, in relation to my conversation skills.

I really don't know what to tell you. Perhaps keep your conversations short and sweet? Find out what SHE is interested in, and let her ramble on about that?

I think that this thread should be broken in two, between al's problem and possible solutions, and the divide between searching for foreign bedmates and searching for a foreign lifemate. Anyone agree?

Lastly, I DO highly recommend, if it's ok with you, Winston, anyone interested in some amazing reader submissions, helpful insights, and just general good knowledge and humor about Thailand, bar girls, western feminism,and more, check out bangkokstickman.com! I been reading the Stick's reader submission's for over 3 years now, and have found them to be helpful, and entertaining. Here is one that I find HIGHLY pertains to the subject that ijohn, djformoney, and Asia outback were debating.

http://www.stickmanbangkok.com/ReadersS ... er5025.htm

[ijohn]

Also, I met my type several times but she was not interested in me.

Well jacking off in the desert might be an interesting experience but I am sure it gets old after a while.

I am sorry your circumstances did not allow you the chance for fulfilling love.

But this is very interesting and we can help out other hopeless romantics. Fellows, if 'your type' isn't interested in you then she is not your type! The girl who is interested in you is your type. The PUA may get a few things wrong but their understanding of human psychology is correct. All men must die a death of sorts in order to life full lives.

It is men who are romantics. Those who have a romantic personality like to feel very deeply. *Like* is the operating word. Feeling deeply makes them feel good. And they hope to meet someone whom they have that feeling for who feels the same way.

But women do not feel that way that is not a part of their psychology. So you meet a girl whom you have 'that feeling' for, whom you think is your type. Your feeling will mean nothing to her and even if she does feel a chemistry of sorts it would very well frighten her. Her need is that you will be a good provider (or if she is wealthy enough herself, you will be a good boy toy). That is her primary and most important assesment of you. (We are not talking about hookups here).

The fellows who found partners in the religious places. What was the religious girl's criteria? Was it not that she was looking for a good man who would be a good stable partner and a good provider? What she looking for 'that feeling'? Nope.

Some men will have that depth of feeling for someone and hold onto it for years on end, whether the girl is around or not.

You are convinced that when you finally meet a girl whom you have 'that feeling' for and she says yes that will be it. You will be in heaven from then or forever and ever. If that does happen for you hey great, but you may well be waiting your whole life for this and after a certain age what is the point? To live in anticipation your entire life is a wasted life.

To stop caring about that feeling is a death of sorts. After all you have made it the basis of your existence. It is your identity. You may even have gotten addicted to the high of anticipation, versus the ambiguity and mundaneness of the actual event. But if you are to live this part of you must die.

Doesn't mean you can't have feeling for someone but it will be a different kind of feeling that comes with knowing someone well and having learnt how to live a life together. This feeling is accesible to both men and women. This you can share with your partner.

So don't worry about 'that feeling' you get when you meet someone. Don't pay attention to it. If it isn't there don't let it stop you. If it is there don't let it guide you.

Focus on what the girl can give you. Will she be a good life partner, a good helpmate? There is nothing selfish about this. She will be judging you, be rest assured. If you find her reasonably attractive (adjusting for your own level of attractiveness) and you share some common values she is someone to keep around. A feeling will grow over time and this will be a worthwhile feeling.

When you dropped caring about 'that feeling' (and with it dropped the rush that anticipation creates at having it be fulfilled) for a while things will feel very dry and hard. You may well feel like you are in a desert. Don't fight it. Let yourself be with the dryness. Meditation helps. Look closely into it. Dryness has a beauty of its own. By and by the dryness will cease to matter.

[xpatwanab]

Just get used to keeping your mouth shut and keep the conversation simple (in most cases) I have found that most of the lower income girls and less educated dont have a lot to say. I have learned that this is not a bad thing. Sometimes they are not expecting you to say a lot, they just want to hear that you are interested in them. KISS, keep it simple stupid is a rule to live by in a lot of these situations. Now on the outside chance you find someone of an intellectual nature that may change the variables. I am guessing most of the ones that fall into that category are going to play hard to get, just like the Western women we are running away from. So my advice is, don't assume that you have to be the one to keep coming up with witty banter, just live by the KISS principle. The Asian women will like you if you are kind, loving, and show an interest in them as a human being. Respect for them is a big issue, so show them you respect them for who they are. Don't be judgmental and humor can be dangerous because they may not get it. Cross cultural humor is another topic entirely. I hope this helps.

[xpatwanab]

And a couple of other points: Don't ask too many questions at first as I have found women become suspicious if you act like you are writing a book. Many women are a little reluctant to release too much information too soon, so be patient. I know the temptation is to find out as much as possible about the woman, but it is a tricky thing to balance. I wholeheartedly advise going to the woman's country/place where she lives and spend some time with her. My advice is don't go unless you can spend at least 3 weeks with her. Especially do this if you are serious about a long term commitment. Trust me; I made this mistake once of not spending enough time and ended up with the totally wrong woman for me. Your gut will tell you if it is a match made in heaven (listen to your gut, and not your dick) and you may not have to ask a lot of questions if you are an observant type. Take in how she interacts with her friends and family and how she treats you. At the same time don't be too judgmental as some things you may observe can be just cultural differences. And that may be enough for you to decide on a different culture for the type of person you happen to be. I have found the more flexible a guy is, the better his chances of finding the perfect foreign woman.