Why wasn't I liked in school? What did I do wrong?

[Winston]

In this essay, I will explore the baggage I carry from high school, and the many years of misery, insecurity and loneliness that I endured, and resent to this day.

Even though I am a big fan of 80's music and TV shows, the truth is, though the 1980's are long gone, a deep part of me still feels an intense resentment for that era with an anger and hurt that's indescribable. During that decade, I suffered so much and so long, more than words could ever describe. It's a miracle I ever made it through alive. Seriously. I guess you could say that this is the core "baggage" that I carry.

Every single frickin day I felt so miserable and insecure. It was horrible, like an asylum I was forced to go to. The kids around me seemed so fake and hostile. They picked on me and made me feel bad. Yet what did I ever do to deserve it? And cliques seemed so stuck up and unfriendly.

I mean, honestly, I was kind, friendly, sincere, courteous, polite, intelligent, good natured, etc. so what was wrong with me? You'd think that someone with such qualities would be well liked by everyone and have a lot of friends right? So why was I disliked and made to feel insecure and miserable everyday? It never made any frickin sense and defied all reason!

Our common sense assumes that if you are friendly, helpful, and nice to others, you will be liked and have friends. And there is even an adage that says, "To have a friend, you must be a friend." So why wasn't that ever true for me?! What was the problem?!

Amazingly, even though it runs contrary to logic, one CAN be nice, friendly, outgoing, open and sincere, yet have NO FRIENDS in America and American high school! Many assume such a thing would be impossible, yet it is possible and it happened to me! This speaks volumes about how dysfunctional and insane American culture and high school are.

Yet what could I do about it? The schools and teachers had no formula that you could follow to be "popular, liked or accepted in school". They simply gave you assignments, tests, and made you take tedious notes everyday. That was their job. They had no solution for the insane social conditions of the school environment or how to deal with it. You were on your own. You either figured it out, or you suffered and became a loser/freak. No one was there to help you. Wonderful...

Whenever I tell people in other countries about such insane conditions in America and its schools, and how one could be friendly, open and sincere, yet have no friends, leading to insecurity and misery everyday, they are usually shocked and can't relate. The fragmentation of the ego which makes one feel constantly insecure and disconnected, seems to be a phenomenon that is unique to the US (though it is never publicly acknowledged).

I simply had no place in high school, not even with the nerds. I didn't belong there. How could I belong there? People were so fake, hostile, and exclusive. It was not an authentic sane socially open environment at all. So what use was being friendly and sociable there? Such qualities were useless. It was like an antimatter universe that was toxic to your self-esteem, infested with a radiation that made you feel insecure all the time. How could one possibly fit in with such an atmosphere that was so hostile and exclusive? It was so insane and unnatural, the complete antithesis of authentic. It was like a crazy bizarro world. There was no logic or formula that I could use to make it work. It was simply NOT a healthy environment of good friendly people that treated people fairly. And even if I had a time machine that allowed me to go back in time, I still would have no idea how to fit in or get along with such hostile inauthentic kids.

Social cliques that hung out together during lunch were exclusive, and none of them really wanted me. I was not seen as "cool" so no one wanted to be with me, even though I never did anything wrong. Whenever I hung around people, they felt embarrassed. Everyone thought that they were too cool for me, which destroyed me and made me feel like shit. I didn't even fit in with the nerds, cause I wasn't one. I simply was nothing and didn't belong there. There was no clique in high school for "authentic people".

As a result, my self-esteem and self-worth were destroyed and pulverized over and over again everyday for years. It was a hell and nightmare, and if you never went through it, you could never understand. But it wasn't my fault. I had no idea what to do. TV and video games were my only escape from all this misery (hence why I love 80's TV series so much). My favorite show was Star Trek (the original series). That's where I learned much of my English from. Since the word "logic" is used a lot in that series, I use it a lot as well, and suffice to say, I could never see any logic in my situation. So logic sort of became my "coping mechanism" and I idolized the Mr. Spock character. You see, logic was my only escape from an insane world that left me feeling alienated, lonely and frustrated everyday. So that is how I came to be good at logic and logical thinking.

Yet in spite of all this, I was not allowed to complain about it. In school, and in America, you are NOT allowed to say that people are stuck up, antisocial, or closed, no matter how true it is. That's what insane - not being allowed to tell the truth. Instead, you are only allowed to blame yourself. So, if I went to the school counselor and told him/her, "I am a friendly, open, kind, authentic person, but I can't make friends here cause everyone is so exclusive, hostile and antisocial. What can I do?" that would NOT be acceptable. I would be seen as dysfunctional, and having social or personality problems, even though I was authentic, sane and friendly. Go figure.

You see, America has a victim-blaming culture that assumes that any misfit is the problem because most people are sane, and society is normal. Though this is a clear fallacy, it is still the assumption. The majority decide what's normal and what's right, no matter how flawed their reasons are. And a school counselor would not usually be an exception, especially since he/she is part of an institution that depends on conformity.

However, many great thinkers and writers (Friederich Nietzche, Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain, George Bernard Shaw, Eric Fromm, Ayn Rand, etc.) have realized that the majority tends to NOT love the truth, but are rather insane. (See here for examples and quotes: http://www.happierabroad.com/Quotes_Insanity.htm) Thus, the more truthful you are, the less popular you are. However, society teaches the exact opposite, that truth is whatever the majority believes in, thus you have to agree with the crowd in order to be right. It's a major fallacy of course, but that's what is conditioned into us in order to instill obedience and conformity.

In addition to this miserable existence, I also faced the daily excruciating routine of having to force myself to get up at 6am every morning to rush to school, against my body's wishes, just to be in this miserable place, lest I be late and receive a tardy slip and have to stay after school. I was never a morning person and so could never get used to such an early rise. It was like a concentration camp that I was a prisoner of. Thus I experienced no freedom everyday, despite being told that I was free by American culture.

After high school, even though I was freed from the constant persecution and pressure of trying to fit somewhere, I was still lonely. In the college and adult world, people were disconnected, in a bubble, minded their own business, and lived to WORK, WORK, WORK. Popularity, fun, thrills, friendships, and being accepted, no longer mattered. All that mattered was getting a job so you could work to death, which was the purpose of life after all. You then realize that the purpose of all your years in school was not to "get educated", but was to train you to become an obedient workaholic robot slave whose sole purpose in life is to work, work, work! (See this video "Herd Mentality - The Schooling System": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=diSJv6FfHjc) Even the news media sees the world in terms of jobs and economics. Work was your true purpose in life. This was the ultimate revelation that you received once you left school. Gee, wonderful.

Even in my college, which was called a "commuter college", that's all anyone ever cared about - getting through so one can start working. Nothing else mattered. No one had a passion for learning or connecting with others. Everyone just minded their own business. To feel lonely meant that you didn't belong there... It was so sad.

In fact, America has a major problem and bias against loneliness. Simply put, you aren't supposed to feel lonely, even though it's natural. America teaches you that loneliness is wrong, weak and should be denied. One is supposed to be strong, independent, and not need others. That is considered the natural way of things in America, and thus loneliness is seen as unnatural. Here again is where American mentality denies the truth. Humans are not meant to be solitary creatures, so being alone and disconnected from others would naturally breed loneliness. However, America attempts to "engineer" its people to become solitary creatures, for whatever reason, which goes against human nature. I guess you could say that this social engineering is successful in some, as many in the US do prefer being alone, but for authentic people like me, it has failed, and thus people like me are lonely.

However, the problem again is that though authentic types like me feel lonely and disconnected, we are not allowed to admit it lest we be seen as losers. So we are pressured to deny it, and just work work work. But denial only makes it worse, and makes us feel repressed and invalidated. Such is the cruel lonely culture of America.

So what could I do? Very little. Trying to fit into groups of young people in America is an extremely awkward and unnatural experience for an authentic person. You have to act fake and dumb to even have a chance at fitting in. There is nothing natural about it. If you go to a typical party of youngsters in America, you will find Generation Y-ers smoking pot and talking about concerts, acting fake and dumb. And if you can't act fake and dumb, then there is something wrong with you. So how can you make real friends, let alone get dates in such an antisocial, paranoid and exclusive social culture? Everything is against you. Yet again, you aren't allowed to complain about it, only blame yourself.

Despite what movies show about Americans being so communicative, expressive and easy to talk to fluidly, the reality is anything but. People are paranoid, antisocial, exclusive, stuck up, and don't talk to you unless it's business-related or they want your money. Yet, if you can't make friends, then you are seen as a loser. So you are essentially stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's a no-win situation that you aren't supposed to complain about.

Being a conformist will not solve any of this, for a conformist only sees truth as whatever the majority believe in, and as such, will never find a solution. Only one who is willing to think outside of the box and liberate oneself from the "majority = right" belief, can find a solution to such an insane no-win situation.

The best solution I've found so far is by going overseas to where people in many countries are more authentic and natural than in America, making them more open and inclusive, so that social interaction flows much more smoothly. You can read my story at:

http://www.happierabroad.com/MyStory.htm

Everyone has to find their niche and crowd that they are comfortable with. Some find it in the local scene, others find it in other states, and still others find it overseas. I happened to find my niche as a traveler and writer promoting the Global Dating and Happier Abroad Movement, which I am very good at. Every movement needs passionate promoters and advocates who live and breathe its cause, and mine happens to be this one.

Though I've discovered the solution to the dysfunctional social culture that left me perpetually lonely with no solution and no validation, still, I carry baggage from the resentment and anger described above from school in the 1980's. I can't deny that. Our past makes up who we are. Though we all carry baggage of some kind, mine is very intense. I will probably never forget my miserable experience in school in the 80's which psychologically destroyed me and scarred me for life. Even now, when I watch my favorite 80's TV shows on YouTube out of nostalgia for them, I can't help but be reminded of the pain and misery I suffered back then.

You know what they say, "You may not forget, but you can learn to forgive." So although we can't change the past, I guess it's what we do with our pain in the present that counts, as they say. We must find constructive ways to channel our pain, psychological scars, and emotional baggage.

All great religions and spiritual belief systems teach that "true glory comes from endurance through suffering and tribulations" in one way or another. As they say, you can't truly appreciate the light unless you've experienced the darkness first.

Thus I am inspired and driven to promote my movement and overseas solution to the national epidemic of loneliness, datelessness and mental illness in America. It is very much needed. And though it has worked for me and many others, it has received virtually no positive publicity in America. So I must use my skills and outlet to champion its cause in reaching out to others. This is how my pain and baggage drives me. And that's what I am - a champion for truth and overseas solutions.

Thank you for reading.

Sincerely,
Winston Wu

[odbo]

Winston I can relate. My youth was as shitty as yours, only I was perhaps stronger (mentally and physically). I also had more friends, though I graduated high school a decade later than you so to some extend I had it even worse! I equate going through public education in America a worse hell than serving a lengthy prison sentence or fighting in a war. People might laugh at this but they can go f**k themselves. What do I care what some idiots think? For a good person, for a smart person, there is no worse punishment than being forced to go to such a place day in day out for 12 f***ing years. Other people will not understand simply because they are not good people so they see nothing abnormal about the environment there. The purpose of school is to make everyone like them.

[jamesbond]

Amazingly, even though it runs contrary to logic, one CAN be nice, friendly, outgoing, open and sincere, yet have NO FRIENDS in America and American high school! Many assume such a thing would be impossible, yet it is possible and it happened to me! This speaks volumes about how dysfunctional and insane American culture and high school are.

Yet what could I do about it? The schools and teachers had no formula that you could follow to be "popular, liked or accepted in school". They simply gave you assignments, tests, and made you take tedious notes everyday. That was their job. They had no solution for the insane social conditions of the school environment or how to deal with it. You were on your own. You either figured it out, or you suffered and became a loser/freak. No one was there to help you. Wonderful...

Whenever I tell people in other countries about such insane conditions in America and its schools, and how one could be friendly, open and sincere, yet have no friends, leading to insecurity and misery everyday, they are usually shocked and can't relate. The fragmentation of the ego which makes one feel constantly insecure and disconnected, seems to be a phenomenon that is unique to the US (though it is never publicly acknowledged).

I simply had no place in high school, not even with the nerds. I didn't belong there. How could I belong there? People were so fake, hostile, and exclusive. It was not an authentic sane socially open environment at all. So what use was being friendly and sociable there? Such qualities were useless. It was like an antimatter universe that was toxic to your self-esteem, infested with a radiation that made you feel insecure all the time. How could one possibly fit in with such an atmosphere that was so hostile and exclusive? It was so insane and unnatural, the complete antithesis of authentic. It was like a crazy bizarro world. There was no logic or formula that I could use to make it work. It was simply NOT a healthy environment of good friendly people that treated people fairly. And even if I had a time machine that allowed me to go back in time, I still would have no idea how to fit in or get along with such hostile inauthentic kids.

Social cliques that hung out together during lunch were exclusive, and none of them really wanted me. I was not seen as "cool" so no one wanted to be with me, even though I never did anything wrong. Whenever I hung around people, they felt embarrassed. Everyone thought that they were too cool for me, which destroyed me and made me feel like shit. I didn't even fit in with the nerds, cause I wasn't one. I simply was nothing and didn't belong there. There was no clique in high school for "authentic people".

Yet in spite of all this, I was not allowed to complain about it. In school, and in America, you are NOT allowed to say that people are stuck up, antisocial, or closed, no matter how true it is. That's what insane - not being allowed to tell the truth. Instead, you are only allowed to blame yourself. So, if I went to the school counselor and told him/her, "I am a friendly, open, kind, authentic person, but I can't make friends here cause everyone is so exclusive, hostile and antisocial. What can I do?" that would NOT be acceptable. I would be seen as dysfunctional, and having social or personality problems, even though I was authentic, sane and friendly. Go figure.

Despite what movies show about Americans being so communicative, expressive and easy to talk to fluidly, the reality is anything but. People are paranoid, antisocial, exclusive, stuck up, and don't talk to you unless it's business-related or they want your money. Yet, if you can't make friends, then you are seen as a loser. So you are essentially stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's a no-win situation that you aren't supposed to complain about.

America truly is a f***ed up country socially, this essay that Winston wrote is a good example. In America if your a friendly outgoing person, you STILL many not be able to make any friends! In the US, if you tell people you are lonely, you are labeled as a loser for some reason!

High school for most people sucked big time and it seems the only people who liked it were the jocks and the popular people. Americans for some reason are VERY ANTISOCIAL and this really is true in high school.

Hard work is valued in the US over having social life. The "protestant work ethic" is shoved down people's throat and being a "work alcoholic" is seen as a good trait to have! Thank God not evey country in the world is like this! For example in the US you get 1 or 2 weeks paid vacation a year but in most European countries you get 4 to 6 weeks of vacation a year, not to mention more paid holidays than you do in the US.

I think Winston put it best a while ago when he said, "America is a country built for doing business, not for living life."

[Winston]

I have a question I'm wondering about.

Why do I not really fit anywhere? I mean, I am sane, honest, authentic, coherent, nice, friendly, open, sociable, communicative, etc. so what logical reason could there be for me not fitting in anywhere?

Is it because ALL groups and cultures are fake to some extent? Is that why? Or am I missing something here?

Or is it because people who think outside the box can never fit in anywhere or conform to anything, hence they are misfits everywhere?

Any ideas?

[gits]

I totally hear you on this one. Of all the "going back in time" fantasies that I have, returning to high school and kicking ass has taken the pole position, and a recent experience where an asshole from high school contacted me and played me on facebook has brought back those memories.

I haven't read everything you wrote, however i think it's a matter of mind over matter. You are in control of this source of pain. We just have to remove it from our heads and fill our heads with alternative thoughts (preferably happiness).

[momopi]

I have a question I'm wondering about.
Why do I not really fit anywhere? I mean, I am sane, honest, authentic, coherent, nice, friendly, open, sociable, communicative, etc. so what logical reason could there be for me not fitting in anywhere?
Is it because ALL groups and cultures are fake to some extent? Is that why? Or am I missing something here?
Or is it because people who think outside the box can never fit in anywhere or conform to anything, hence they are misfits everywhere?
Any ideas?

Perfection is a moving target. Once obtained, the bar is moved in some direction. A "perfect fit" only lasts for a segment of time before imperfection.

[Jackal]

I have a question I'm wondering about.

Why do I not really fit anywhere? I mean, I am sane, honest, authentic, coherent, nice, friendly, open, sociable, communicative, etc. so what logical reason could there be for me not fitting in anywhere?

Is it because ALL groups and cultures are fake to some extent? Is that why? Or am I missing something here?

Or is it because people who think outside the box can never fit in anywhere or conform to anything, hence they are misfits everywhere?

Any ideas?

I think you didn't fit in because you didn't put the same amount of effort into conforming as your classmates did. You were standing back and using your brain and thinking, "Hmm, this is stupid. Why should I bother conforming to such a stupid system?" Whereas your classmates would answer, "OF COURSE you have to work hard to conform! It's the MOST IMPORTANT part of American life! Without doing so, you will be an OUTCAST!"

I totally hear you on this one. Of all the "going back in time" fantasies that I have, returning to high school and kicking ass has taken the pole position, and a recent experience where an asshole from high school contacted me and played me on facebook has brought back those memories.

Hehe. Sometimes I have similar fantasies: they don't involve guns, but they do involve baseball bats...

[Winston]

Here's what my spiritual advisor lady said about this issue. It sounds deep. But can I use it?

Win... you continue to ask the same questions over and over and ignore the answer. KARMA.
It is true that the Western mind struggles with the concept because of all the false indoctrination it has gone through but the Eastern mind has at least some advantage here. Karma, typically plays out over LIFETIMES.. not days or even years.

All you need to do, to grasp and solve almost ALL your "problems" is to simply read the very small and brilliant book by Paramahamsa Yogananda... ~ KARMA AND REINCARNATION ~ ... it is ALL written there, so clearly that a child could grasp it... BUT YOUR EGO would rather drag on with this trauma drama you call life.
You already have all the answers WITHIN.. but you continually look OUTSIDE.... right where your false ego, the cause of ALL your suffering, wants you to focus. Your ego does not want you to "wake up" and yet to understand your life ... you MUST first Wake up.

[Winston]

I have a question I'm wondering about.

Why do I not really fit anywhere? I mean, I am sane, honest, authentic, coherent, nice, friendly, open, sociable, communicative, etc. so what logical reason could there be for me not fitting in anywhere?

Is it because ALL groups and cultures are fake to some extent? Is that why? Or am I missing something here?

Or is it because people who think outside the box can never fit in anywhere or conform to anything, hence they are misfits everywhere?

Any ideas?

I think you didn't fit in because you didn't put the same amount of effort into conforming as your classmates did. You were standing back and using your brain and thinking, "Hmm, this is stupid. Why should I bother conforming to such a stupid system?" Whereas your classmates would answer, "OF COURSE you have to work hard to conform! It's the MOST IMPORTANT part of American life! Without doing so, you will be an OUTCAST!"

Actually, I was a conformist in my teens and twenties. I tried to conform. But for some reason, I never felt accepted. I badly wanted to be liked. But people just sensed that I was different, or that they didn't want me as part of their group. I don't know why. Something was just out of balance. Perhaps it was subconscious.

Maybe I kept seeing myself as a failure cause reality didn't match up to the "party lifestyle easy to get laid" persona that I saw on TV, so because of that, I didn't feel accepted, since my standards weren't being met?

[jamesbond]

I think you didn't fit in because you didn't put the same amount of effort into conforming as your classmates did. You were standing back and using your brain and thinking, "Hmm, this is stupid. Why should I bother conforming to such a stupid system?" Whereas your classmates would answer, "OF COURSE you have to work hard to conform! It's the MOST IMPORTANT part of American life! Without doing so, you will be an OUTCAST!"

It's funny how in high school the more you conform, the more people accept you. Individualism is looked down upon and people who try to "fit in" are considered cool and hip. God forbid you are different from others and dress differently and act differently.

[odbo]

Here's what my spiritual advisor lady said about this issue. It sounds deep. But can I use it?

Win... you continue to ask the same questions over and over and ignore the answer. KARMA.
It is true that the Western mind struggles with the concept because of all the false indoctrination it has gone through but the Eastern mind has at least some advantage here. Karma, typically plays out over LIFETIMES.. not days or even years.

All you need to do, to grasp and solve almost ALL your "problems" is to simply read the very small and brilliant book by Paramahamsa Yogananda... ~ KARMA AND REINCARNATION ~ ... it is ALL written there, so clearly that a child could grasp it... BUT YOUR EGO would rather drag on with this trauma drama you call life.
You already have all the answers WITHIN.. but you continually look OUTSIDE.... right where your false ego, the cause of ALL your suffering, wants you to focus. Your ego does not want you to "wake up" and yet to understand your life ... you MUST first Wake up.

Your spiritual advisor is a f***ing idiot

[Winston]

Questions:

1. Why is it that for the first 20 years of my life, people were so rude and hostile to me, even though I did nothing wrong? Can you imagine being born into this world, and then for 20 years, people are rude and hostile to you, as though you did something terrible, even though you did nothing wrong? Wouldn't that make you jaded and cynical? How can it not?

How does one logically explain this or make sense of it? It's so bizarro and insane!

2. How is it that I can be honest, sincere, nice, and down to earth, yet not fit in anywhere and be seen as an oddball? Isn't that a PARADOX? Is there a logical explanation for this?

If you notice from my writings and interviews, I get right to the point. I do not beat around the bush or BS, and do not waste any time for any "build up" to my main points. The people in this forum are like that too, which is why they are attracted to the content here. Isn't that a good thing? Why am I a misfit then?

3. Have you noticed that in America, there are two general types of people?

1. Rude assholes
2. Brainless zombies

Or some combination of the two.

Why is that? Isn't that weird? It's like being aware makes you a freak. Most of my cousins and extended family falls into one of those two categories too.

Don't both those categories suck? If so, then why are most people in one of them? That's f***ed. Why is everything the opposite of the way it SHOULD be?!

[Jackal]

Some countries just happen to be populated mostly by barbarian, animal-like people. Such places are not pleasant to live in. We probably were born in such places because of negative actions we committed in previous lives.

We didn't fit in because our karma was very different than the karma of most of the other people around us (basically, we had very different habits and mental dispositions than them).

[ph_visitor]

In this essay, I will explore the baggage I carry from high school, and the many years of misery, insecurity and loneliness that I endured, and resent to this day.

This is your problem.

You are still living in High School.

You are 39-40 years old. Get over it.

I didn't have a great time in HS - I was beat up on the bus, mocked, and picked on. No dates, I did not like it at all.

Yet by the time I was 19, I was over it and moved on.

Winston, no one over the age of 25 ever thinks about or references HS in their daily conversations. At 40 it's just something that you are reminded of when you get reunion notices. Most people forget about it and it's as: "Oh! Really? That long? Wow. I wonder what [insert name of your bully here] is up to...".

Get therapy, talk to a shrink - whatever you need to do to get over this, but get over it.

Technically you should be a man at 40, but really you are no more than a little boy.

I am in my 50's and I haven't thought of HS or HS friends in years.

[E_Irizarry]

In this essay, I will explore the baggage I carry from high school, and the many years of misery, insecurity and loneliness that I endured, and resent to this day.

This is your problem.

You are still living in High School.

You are 39-40 years old. Get over it.

I didn't have a great time in HS - I was beat up on the bus, mocked, and picked on. No dates, I did not like it at all.

Yet by the time I was 19, I was over it and moved on.

Winston, no one over the age of 25 ever thinks about or references HS in their daily conversations. At 40 it's just something that you are reminded of when you get reunion notices. Most people forget about it and it's as: "Oh! Really? That long? Wow. I wonder what [insert name of your bully here] is up to...".

Get therapy, talk to a shrink - whatever you need to do to get over this, but get over it.

Technically you should be a man at 40, but really you are no more than a little boy.

I am in my 50's and I haven't thought of HS or HS friends in years.

Whilst you may be right, there's nothing wrong with keeping a distant, yet a close rapport with your peers from your yesteryears (only if they were close when you were in HS).
See, by you not thinking about your HS peers reverts back to the recurring point that we make on this forum: that Americans are distant and introvertedly self-centered.