Fragmentation vs. Wholeness: Why you feel alone and insecure in America

HAPPIER ABROAD Why Dating, Social Life and Mental Health are Better Beyond America

Fragmentation vs. Wholeness: Why you feel alone and insecure in America

Several times in my childhood, when I was 9, 14 and 17 years old, I remember going to Taiwan and that for some reason, around my relatives, I was able to be myself, speak my heart out and become very talkative. There was this feeling of acceptance that made me feel healthy and whole on the inside. I was able to be who I was without fear, insecurity or inhibition. It brought out a part of me that was normally suppressed and subdued in the US. Each time I went back to the US, I felt depressed and insecure again. I didn't understand why, and it didn't make sense to me.

At that time, I was fully indoctrinated into the idea that America was the greatest country in the world, the leader of the free world, the nation that all other nations looked up to, and I believed it too. So I could not reconcile that with the fact that I felt more happy, healthy and whole overseas. I didn't know how to make sense of it, and I dared not to speak of it to my peers of course, lest they think that there's something wrong with me. As you know, admitting that you feel insecure and depressed in America is seen as a huge sign of weakness, so most will never admit it. Plus I thought I was the only one who felt that way and that no one could relate to it anyway.

Also, when I was a teen, my level of awareness was low and I had no communication skills so I would not have been able to articulate my feelings at the time anyway. So I just tried to slowly forget this experience over time, and returned to my dream that someday I'd be a great person in America with an exciting life, rewarding career, and beautiful woman to love. (but to no avail of course)

It wasn't until I reached 30 when my level of awareness, insight and communication/writing skills had reached new heights and I began traveling overseas long term, that I understood why I felt that way when I went to Taiwan as a teen.

For some reason(s), America has this vibe and environment that makes one feel fragmented, disconnected and insecure inside. Something tries to make you feel unworthy and inadequate, and you are always on the verge of slipping into a state of depression and emptiness. It’s as if some empty void was always behind you and you feared getting lost into it. It probably comes from the cultural environment and collective energy of the population. One can postulate all sorts of reasons for this, from the independent lifestyle and attitude, to a conspiracy by the elite to divide the population to squell any uprising against their power, etc. but the bottom line is that there is an inherent sense of disconnectedness in America. There is no sense of human connection in America at all, period. Americans live in bubbles, do not usually know their neighbors nor invite them over, and do not talk to strangers unless it's business related. They are very non-inclusive and it is difficult to meet people as well as awkward. (In fact, the most inclusive people in the US tend to be cult members and those at Evangelical Revival meetings, which I consider a sad fact) In social situations, people may make small talk and greet one another, but few will ever invite you to their homes or into their lives. Furthermore, breaking into cliques is difficult and does not come naturally at all. People are socially engineered to be segregated and paranoid of one another, which is not conducive to healthy human relationships at all.

This is not just physical but psychological, as "every man is an island" in mind and attitude, as well as body. That's why one often feels "alone" in America even while amongst friends or in crowded places. Worst of all, people are conditioned to think that this is “normal” and how people naturally are – segregated, selfish and paranoid – but in fact nothing could be further from the truth. That is NOT how humans are by nature. That is how people are socially engineered to be in the US.

Moreover, this inherent disconnectedness and fragmentation in US society makes it awkward and unnatural to socialize and meet other people, or even to make friends. It just doesn’t come naturally, so to speak. And of course, dating between men and women also suffer. Simply put, the whole essence of human relationships is severely eroded by the fundamental fragmentation and disconnectedness in America. In America, one is never truly “accepted” the way they are, instead one has to constantly “prove their worth” under neverending pressure. Unfortunately, without true acceptance, one can never be truly “whole”.

This fragmentation and disconnectedness is not only with others, but within onself as well. People are not whole on the inside, and they do not even know who they are. That's what makes it so hard to deal with problems and struggles in America, when you are fragmented, weak and divided on the inside. And since many have few or no real friends to talk to, they have to go to therapists instead. No doubt this contributes to America having the highest rates of mental illness in the industrialized world (and perhaps the whole world). The unnatural stresses, pressures to be something you're not, coupled with inner fragmentation, naturally will break down a person, causing one to blame oneself for being "weak" and not good enough or tough enough. All of this is insane, dysfunctional, inhuman and unnatural of course, but since people are programmed and conditioned to blame themselves for their dysfunctionality rather than society, they will not draw attention to it out of pride, lest they expose their weakness. What most Americans don’t realize is that this inherent disconnectedness and fragmentation, gradually erodes oneself, making them weak and insecure, impairing their self-confidence, self-esteem and mental health. Instead, they assume that any “inner breakdown” they suffer must be due to some problem with them that they need to “fix”, never realizing the true source of it.

On the other hand, in most countries beyond America, there is a natural sense of connection and wholeness, both within oneself and with others, which doesn't exist in America. People feel accepted and can easily "be themselves". As a result, one never feels “all alone” (at least not the way one does in America) even when one is physically alone. Everyone has problems and struggles of course, just like they do everywhere, but the key difference is that they are easier to deal with because when one is "whole" on the inside it becomes FAR EASIER to deal with such difficulties. This natural inner wholeness is “true strength”. It is why people in other countries do not suffer mental breakdowns or illnesses when they endure life's many problems like Americans do. And moreover, natural connectedness between people also makes human relationships far more healthy and natural, so that it is much easier to socialize, meet people, make friends or date the opposite sex. This is something you have to experience to truly understand. It is what Americans lack and do not even know that they lack. Only when they meet others with such wholeness or go to countries that allow them to feel that way (as I have) that they realize that they were lacking it all along. Only then do they see how insecure and fragmented they were on the inside, all the while falsely assuming that the rest of the world was the same.

One important point. It’s not that other countries “do” anything in particular to make people feel connected and whole. They don’t have to. People are NATURALLY whole and connected to one another. The difference is that most countries ALLOW the natural wholeness and connectedness of human beings to develop and flourish, whereas somehow the USA doesn’t. Instead, America engineers its people to think that they are selfish individuals in competition with one another who are segregated by their “individual freedom”. And it’s beaten into them that “no one cares about you; only you can take care of yourself; it’s every man for himself” under the name of “individualism”. In other words, America divides its people, fragments them, and makes them feel empty on the inside, so they will be weak, controllable and over-consume to fill that emptiness that they don’t even consciously recognize. It’s not a jurisdictional control, more like a psychological form of control, which the public is unaware of.

So, the answer to my teenage mystery is not that Taiwan did anything in particular to make me feel "whole" and accepted. Rather, it was probably the absence of the persecutory environment against my sense of self in America that led to my experiencing inner wholeness and acceptance for the first time in my life (along with the kindness of my relatives there). In other words, I automatically became my natural whole self by simply removing myself geographically from the fragmented cultural environment and energy field of the USA.

As a poster on my Forum wisely said:

http://www.happierabroad.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=6692

"If anyone feels they "come out of their shell" when overseas, try to keep something in mind. That person you are overseas is the real you. The person you are in America is a prisoner, nothing more." - Grunt

And best selling author and motivational speaker Wayne Dyer noted:

“The ego thrives on separateness. Authentic freedom is found by absolving this sense of separateness from others and God.” – Wayne Dyer (Four Pathways to Success, audio tape)

So, contrary to the teaching of US culture that “freedom is to become a selfish disconnected individual” which turns out to be a prison of the soul, true freedom is being able to connect with others. And that’s why I felt “freer” and able to come out of my shell overseas than I did in America, big time.

This psychological feeling of alienation and emptiness in the US explains why so many immigrants who were happy and whole in their own countries suddenly become stuck up, defensive and cliquish in America. Whereas they were "whole" and normal in their own country and had nothing to prove, suddenly in America they feel insecure as if some black abyss wants to swallow up their sense of self and identity. So they resort to overasserting their ethnic heritage with patriotic fervor, as though it was the last thing preserving their identity. This is why you will notice that those in the immigrant's home country are not as rigid about sticking to their traditional ways as the US immigrants are. The "traditional ways" are the last thing that gives the US immigrant a sense of who they are, lest they be sucked into the giant "void" in the USA. On the other hand, the person in the immigrant's home country can be more open minded and tolerant about not sticking to their "traditional ways" because his/her identity is not dependent on them nor threatened by some host country that wants to assimilate them into a "fake unnatural culture".

Now let me clarify some things. I am NOT advocating collectivism here, or conformity without independent thought. Far from it. Neither extremes, selfish disconnected individualism where no one cares about anyone else or conformity to the collective without free thought, are ideal. Instead, why not have a healthy balance? In Europe for example, people believe in connectedness and seek having interdependent relationships with others, yet at the same time they pride themselves in their free thinking intellect and knowledge/understanding of other cultures. They’ve achieved a healthy balance between the two, and that’s what I advocate. Jeremy Rifkin, in his book, The European Dream elaborates on this in a scholarly manner:

(Pages 13 – 14)

"The American and European dreams are, at their core, about two diametrically opposed ideas of freedom and security. Americans hold a negative definition of what it means to be free and, thus, secure. For us, freedom has long been associated with autonomy. If one is autonomous, he or she is not dependent on others or vulnerable to circumstances outside of his or her control. To be autonomous, one needs to be propertied. The more wealth one amasses, the more independent one is in the world. One is free by becoming self-reliant and an island unto oneself. With wealth comes exclusivity, and with exclusivity comes security.

The new European Dream, however, is based on a different set of assumptions about what constitutes freedom and security. For Europeans, freedom is not found in autonomy but in embeddedness. To be free is to have access to a myriad of interdependent relationships with others. The more communities one has access to, the more options and choices one has for living a full and meaningful life. With relationships comes inclusivity, and with inclusivity comes security.

The American Dream puts an emphasis on economic growth, personal wealth, and independence. The new European Dream focuses more on sustainable development, quality of life, and interdependence… The European Dream is more cosmopolitan and less territorial… Americans tend to think locally while European's loyalties are more divided and stretch from the local to the global. The American Dream is deeply personal and little concerned with the rest of humanity. The European Dream is more expansive and systemic, and therefore more bound to the welfare of the planet.”

Also, when I speak of “disconnectedness” I am not referring to geographic spacing between people or isolation in remote areas. No, I am speaking of something far deeper that has to do with a psychological attitude. If merely crowding people together created connectedness, then New York and Los Angeles would be the most wholesome and connected cities in America. Are they? I don’t think so. Or take a remote Russian village in Siberia. Though geographically isolated, one does not feel insecure, lonely and disconnected from others there. Life may be boring as hell, yeah, but people do not suffer from loneliness or sink into depression and insanity when confronted by problems. And every man is not a “psychological island” there. In fact, I challenge anyone to find a sincere travelogue of someone who went to a remote foreign village and felt lonely, disconnected and found the villagers to be anti-social and segregated. Furthermore, as mentioned before, you can feel all alone in America even around your friends or in crowded places, but in other countries with connectedness, you can be physically alone yet not really feel alone. Why do you think that is? Ponder it and you’ll see the real nature of what I’m talking about here, and that it’s not about geographic isolation.

In America, you are NOT taught to FEEL GOOD about yourself at all! You are NOT taught how to cultivate good mental health, self-acceptance, inner wholeness and well-being, or healthy social relationships and friendships. No way. Instead, you are conditioned and engineered by your schools, media, culture and peers to feel UNWORTHY, INSECURE and INADEQUATE deep down, and to fill that emptiness within by 1) becoming a workaholic slave to a corporate dictatorship (aka "getting a career") so you can make money and 2) become a mass consumer junkie who tries to buy everything he/she can that's on the market out there. In other words, you are programmed to try to fill your emptiness and insecurity by over-working and over-consuming (buying too much useless junk) perpetually without end, all under the doctrine that "material goods lead to happiness and well-being" and that "the more the better". In short, your self-esteem is artificially based on your status in a corporate dictatorship and what you can BUY to enhance your "image".

Think on this a moment. Do you think it's a natural occurrence that almost everyone in America suffers from deep insecurities to the point of having "issues" or "baggage", while people in the rest of the world are nowhere near as dysfunctional? No way! People are obviously engineered to be that way for some reason.

The truths and comparisons above are usually only discussed privately, never publicly, not even on the web. And that's because it is very politically incorrect to compare cultures and say that one is better than the other in some way. Such talk is potentially offensive, no matter how true, and we are taught never to say such things publicly. In addition, most common people are engineered to be blind to the faults and dysfunction in society and instead blame themselves if anything goes wrong. Unfortunately, most people follow what they’ve been “programmed” and cannot see outside of it. They do not possess the "consciousness level" or insight to rise above it and see the truth.

This poster on my Forum also recognized this “hidden emptiness” in America that people are not supposed to see:

http://www.happierabroad.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=3840&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=40

”Everything in America is a paid for commodity today, everything. Friendships, 'love', everything.
Regarding suicide on the back burner, we've all been there i think, or at least most of us. The funny thing is that when one feels that way in America he cannot identify the reason, or should I say he would not be allowed to identify the reason he feels the way he does because everyone condones the life in the States and is either oblivious or not willing to acknowledge how dysfunctional and shallow it is. Criticizing the current state of affairs in America results in people looking at you as if you are something that fell out of a tree. Its a weird feeling, a sense of emptiness that is there but somehow invisible.”

However, I can testify firsthand that in many private expat/traveler conversations, such comparisons are discussed. But no one dared reveal such truths and comparisons publicly, not even on the web... until now. My website HappierAbroad.com is the first and only website that draws out such "taboo" comparisons in detail point by point. With HappierAbroad.com, no longer do you have to know or be connected to certain individuals with special knowledge who are honest enough to share such forbidden truths and comparisons with you. Now, anyone can just log onto HappierAbroad.com and read all about these valuable life-changing secrets and comparisons freely, as well as discuss them openly with others in the Happier Abroad Discussion Forum.

And that's the beauty and significance of HappierAbroad.com - to share such important and life-changing truths, secrets and comparisons that are too taboo and politically incorrect to be discussed openly, but which are valuable nevertheless.

Now, what was formerly confined to private discussions only is now made public and disclosed out in the open. I've always believed that telling the truth was more important than being politically correct, and so my philosophy has been to do just that, "letting the chips fall where they may".

With HappierAbroad.com, you will see that you and I are not alone in thinking and feeling this way, and therefore you will be validated in your feelings. Since the site began, many have come forward with the same confessions and observations.

Here are some examples from letters I've received, reader responses, site feedback, and posts in my Forum.

This Russian immigrant who initially blamed himself, for instance, found validation in the articles of HappierAbroad when he realized that he wasn’t the problem:

“Anyway, to cut a long story short, everything you wrote in your treatise is precisely to the point. I am a Russian who has lived in the States long enough to know. I came to the country expecting to find some flavor, as I had been able to do in France and Germany. Alas, what I ran into was a sea of blandness.

I took me a while to realize that there was a chasm of difference between the media picture of America and real life, but when the truth hit home, I felt very disappointed and empty. I even had a lapse of self-condemnation as I thought the problem was in me. I have gotten over it now and can see clearly. Your writing puts all the pieces of the puzzle together very well.”

And this East Indian observed:

“I myself am heavily influenced by nondualist studies, such as Zen, Sufism, Advaita and Taoism, which focus heavily on interconnectedness with the universe, and getting away from the "I" (and understanding that our own perception of the self is generally false).

Indeed, America is therefore a very spiritually starved place, in my opinion, because of the emphasis on a self/ego (which is most likely perceived falsely to begin with), instead of the heavy emphasis on oneness, or interconnectedness. And it wreaks its havoc in work, in family life and beyond.

By the way, India, where my family is from, is a good place to meet people. Not the greatest, but quite a bit superior to USA in terms of social life. I love it when I visit there.

I do also think, however, that good and bad exists everywhere, in different ways and different amounts, which I know you've addressed. And we can only fight the bad so much. So it's a matter of how well we take the good with the bad.

But yes, when it comes to this particular problem of not being able to control the ego, and being hopelessly caught in the traps of duality, rather than engaging in interconnectedness with all, America is just about at the top. And therefore your site is spot-on about that.”

My Expat Advisor described how he feels when he goes to the Philippines like this:

“One thing you will notice in the Philippines is that you can be yourself and still be treated well and most people will just accept you as you are and treat you as a human being.

That is called Freedom. The freedom to be yourself.

I am not afraid to go to Casinos there, bars and restaurants and that I will feel out of place or see cocky people around swaggering or puffing up their chests. All social interactions are smooth and friendly and you are part of everything. I just walk in and the feeling is nice. You are included in their groups. They are so different from the Anglos or the CJKs (Chinese, Japanese, Koreans).”

He also observed:

"The Philippine society puts primary emphasis on family, human relations and the development thereof- which includes sex, friendship, love, etc. Socially, it seems to be one of the most advanced societies on earth. Of course, these developments are not mentioned in the western press which only measures progress in political, technological and financial areas. If it started measuring societies by the healthfulness of social life, the place you are at would win hands down. Cheerz."

A professor observed and concluded:

http://www.livinginthephilippines.com/art_why_filipino_are_happy.html

“UP Professor Felipe de Leon, after a decade of researching, has concluded that Filipino culture is the most inclusive and open of all those he has studied. It is the opposite of the individualistic culture of the West, with its emphasis on privacy and personal fulfillment. It is also the opposite of certain collectivistic cultures, as one finds them in Confucian societies, that value hierarchy and ‘face.'

"BY CONTRAST", Filipino culture is based on the notion of kapwa, a Tagalog word that roughly translates into "shared being." In essence, it means that most Filipinos, deep down, do not believe that their own existence is separable from that of the people around them. Everything, from pain to a snack or a joke, is there to be shared. "The strongest social urge of the Filipino is to connect, to become one with people", says De Leon. As a result, he believes, there is much less loneliness among them.”

More comments:

“Hi Winston,

I was just talking to someone in the newsroom where I work about his trip to Eastern Europe. He mentions that even though the people are poor, they are exceedingly happier than people in the U.S. and that he had to "shut off the sarcasm filter" because he was so floored by their hospitality, kindness, genuity, and innocence. He mentioned that the pace of life was slower and that unlike the U.S., which is task-oriented and focused on time and quality of life materially, they were focused on quality of life socially, and that there was an interconnectedness and contentedness that is missing from the U.S. There wasn't that additional layer of superficiality and deception/mask/distance that you have to deal with in social interactions in the U.S.“

http://www.happierabroad.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=18

“The US appears to hold individuality so dear that it has produced possibly the most bland 'individuals' of all cultures, bi-polar patients aside perhaps, which there seems to be no end of now. It would appear the true life of the person cannot be found in isolation, rather it blooms in a more collective mentality. No surprise, it's difficult to cultivate a complex mentality when all you're exposed to is the same people, friends, situations, roads, jobs, etc or worse, left in isolation. I have always found my friends from other countries to be far more informed and colorful as people, men and women both and far more altruistic and 'other oriented' than the people I've known in the US.

Strangest thing is, the people I've known from politically torn and bomb ridden countrysides are far less paranoid than people from the States and far more outgoing. Then again, people from safer countries than the US, which are many, are also less paranoid and more outgoing. Go figure.”

“America may be a lot of good things, productive, prosperous, and relatively free but the socialization of its citizens is much less advanced than other (much more economically poorer) countries I’ve been in. The way I look at it quality of life isn’t just all about money. It’s about what you can do with yourself in that society and how comfortable you feel around others. In America I was never truly “comfortable” but always felt tense or slightly agitated at the people around me. There’s definitely a hostility and tenseness to social interaction there that I don’t feel anywhere else. That’s a lot of negativity to deal with daily so it’s not surprising that out of all industrialized first world countries Americans generally have the least healthy lifestyles and shortest overall life spans.”

“Interesting. A lot of it stems from collective mentality- there is no need for a massive ego if you belong to a group with many friends. They bolster you and support you and make you feel better about yourself.

In the US you need a huge ego since you are basically on your own all the time so if you do not develop it others with huge egos will crush you. And people will not respect you if you do not puff up your chest and tell the world "I am great!"”

"You really tell the truth the way it is about American society. Many people want to get in a bubble or comfort zone of a kind of fake reality with our mainstream media, superficial tv and music and it reflects in the women of America and social networks. Americans are being socially engineered to live apart and not want "natural" contact with others but instead want superficial relationships and friendships. It is hard for free thinkers of different backgrounds in America to ever get truly comfortable in this kind of environment, which is why I want to either move to Europe or just travel from place to place instead of staying in America. This country is terrible. I am a pianist who thinks that Europe would be more open and accepting for a classical black musician as myself! The educational system is dumbing us down as well in American, making us submissive to authority and never questioning things in our society. I could write a long essay about this but I agree with everything that you have said. Keep up the good work.

Richard

Houston, TX”

“Alright I just read the rest of your paper and though I still agree with the original thought I can see where you placed your finding... without a doubt the countries I have been too particularly Sweden and Jordan when traveling many times perfect strangers would ask for my friends and I to come visit... have dinner, tea, etc without wanting or expecting anything in return. These things you would never, ever see in the states where everyone stranger or friend is looked at as a threat.

hope you had a good day,

Maureen”

“Agreed. America is a very lonely country. That is why I am working on an expat position back to China.“

“Hi Winston I can 100 percent relate to your last article. About how the United States and be a very isolating place. Now it is because of the way things are socially economically structured. Over the past few decades started with the Reaganomics of the 1980's, Does it go back to the old Puritan Calvinistic work ethics over 400 years ago. Do the different powers at be. Use fear to have the upper hand. As far as control over us. IE by keeping people more isolated alienated. It give more power to the different powers at be. By keeping people alienated from them self and others it creates more social problems. Like crime especially violent crime, More violent gangs, Extreme substance abuse alcoholism harder drugs, And so many other pathology's. However all the pathology's create more jobs at many different levels. More police more private security companies. The courts the lawyers the judges. The court clerks that handle all the paperwork. The prison system. A lot of the prisons in the USA are now becoming privatized. The company's that supply the food and clothing to the prison. Company's that manufacture and sell security equipments at all levels. Not to mention the medical field. When people feel alienated they are much more likely to use tobacco products. Like cigarettes chewing tobacco. Smoke real heavy. Also have real bad diets. Like fast food. Or replacing an apple a banana or a carrot with a snickers bar or a bag of chips. Plus all the other health issues associated with the high stress and frustration of alienation. So in a nutshell. All these things make billions and billions of dollars. The way the corporate America sees things. Something that creates distress and hardships, pain, makes big money. Things that create fulfillment happiness togetherness. Don't make money and will cost money. Also fear is used by almost all the commercials you see on TV your computer the magazines. If you don't buy this product your not going to fit in and you are a total freak. Then you see the news. This person got stabbed. Three women got raped murdered and mutilated last night. The person that did this is still at large. People in the United State are hit with millions and millions of bits of this information everyday. When they get up in the morning and leave for work. At work on there way home from work. Just going out on the town. At home when you turn on your TV or boot up to your web server. I personally feel the whole things feeds on itself and is it's own kind of demonic entity. You do wonderful work Winston. Keep up the good work. {{{{PEACE}}}}”

In closing, I'd like to share some quotes from revolutionary leaders and intellectuals that are relevant here.

Peter Joseph, founder of the revolutionary Zeitgeist Movement, in his transformative film Zeitgeist Addendum, summed up the interconnectedness concept very well:

"There is no such thing as independence in nature. The whole of nature is a unified system of interdependent variables, each a cause and reaction, existing only as a concentrated whole."

And in the same film, John Perkins, a former “Economic Hit Man” described the joy of connection:

"Joy comes from that bliss of connectedness. That's our God spirit. That's that side of ourselves that really feels it, and you can feel it deep inside you. It's this amazing wonderful feeling. You know it when you get it. You don't get it from money. You get it from connection."

The Expatriate Revolution is Now!

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