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HAPPIER
ABROAD
Why
You Will Have A Better Love and Life Beyond
Interconnectedness
vs. Separateness: Why Americans overinflate
themselves and try to "fit in"
“The
ego thrives on separateness. Authentic freedom is found by
absolving this sense of separateness from others and God.” –
Wayne Dyer
"Success
depends on how well we relate to everything around us."
- John
Perkins, former “Economic Hit Man" (Zeitgeist
Addendum film)
If you're
looking for a spiritual type of reason to go
abroad, here it is.
In
Many
immigrants upon arrival in
In
America's case, since the majority population believes that they are
individual
separate egos detached from others, any newcomer immediately FEELS like
a
separate disconnected ego, even if
he/she felt connected wherever they came from prior, because that is the new reality that he/she is in. It's a reality co-created by the American
population, lifestyle, culture, and collective thought/beliefs/values. In essence, they're on their own once they
come here, literally and figuratively, unless they have pre-existing
friends or
relatives. But even if they do, their
social interaction will usually be limited to them.
Hence,
From a
spiritual and quantum perspective, we and the
universe are all one, made up of the same “star dust”
physically and of the
same “consciousness” metaphysically.
Thus we and everything are interconnected. Therefore
our ideals of separateness cause a series
of imbalances – psychological and physical (highest rates of
mental illness and
obesity in the industrialized world, for example).
In the US, there simply is not a natural
sense of interconnectedness between people like there is in other
countries. Now, this is one generalization
I can make
that is very accurate, observable, and easily experienced.
According
to spiritual teachings, this belief of having a separate individual ego
creates
much suffering, for a separate ego has a “me vs. them”
mentality, fragmenting
our natural interconnectedness. And
since America is the most individualistic of all, it goes to follow
that this
type of suffering is greatest there, regardless of its economic
prosperity. That's why despite its
financial benefits and
opportunities, it is a country of much greater psychological suffering
and
maladaptation than most. In short,
America is the loneliest country in the world.
One of my
insightful Indian readers described to me
this dualistic “separation from others” attitude in America:
“I myself am heavily influenced by
nondualist studies, such as Zen,
Sufism, Advaita and Taoism, which focus heavily on interconnectedness
with the
universe, and getting away from the "I" (and understanding that our
own perception of the self is generally false).
Indeed, America is therefore a very
spiritually starved place, in my
opinion, because of the emphasis on a self/ego (which is most likely
perceived
falsely to begin with), instead of the heavy emphasis on oneness, or
interconnectedness. And it wreaks its havoc in work, in family life and
beyond.
By the way, India, where my family is
from, is a good place to meet
people. Not the greatest, but quite a bit superior to USA in terms of
social
life. I love it when I visit there.
I do also think, however, that good and
bad exists everywhere, in
different ways and different amounts, which I know you've
addressed. And we can only fight the bad so much. So it's a matter
of how
well we take the good with the bad.
But yes, when it comes to this
particular problem of not being
able to control the ego, and being hopelessly caught in the traps of
duality,
rather than engaging in interconnectedness with all, America is just
about at
the top. And therefore your site is spot-on about that.”
As a
consequence, this lack of interconnectedness
between people in America leads to two common maladaptive neuroses:
a) The
tendency of Americans to overinflate
their ego, confidence, and attitude to compensate for their
vulnerability.
b) The
conflicting oxymoron of trying to
"fit in" somewhere.
I will
elaborate on both.
Why
Americans tend to overinflate their
ego/confidence/attitude
Due to a
lack of interconnectedness, Americans tend to
puff up and overinflate their ego, attitude and confidence to appear
"tough" to compensate for their vulnerability, since they are on
their own. And in the process, many
develop narcissistic attitudes as well.
It's individualism gone too far, in my opinion and by the rest
of the
world's standards. Now couple that with
overwork, stress, and loneliness, and you've got mental/behavioral
dysfunction
breeding big time, which is no surprise why the US is the highest in
mental
illness among industrialized nations.
The
disproportionate American ego and attitude are too
obvious to deny, especially when you compare them to foreigners. In fact, it's one reason why Americans think
they are superior to the rest of the world, and come off as arrogant
about
it. When they are in abroad, they notice
that their egos are larger than those of the foreigners, who by
comparison are
more modest and humble, and thus they subconsciously feel superior when
amongst
foreigners.
My Expat
Advisor, in his guide on how to behave
in Russia, notes this difference between American and Russian egos:
“a) In America you need to blow your
horn
and act independent and arrogant to show you are somebody. Not there
(Russia).
You need to be humble. This is what they (Russians) like. Polite and
friendly,
too.”
In other
countries on the other hand, people have a
natural sense of interconnectedness with each other, as well as a rich
communal
bond, so they have no need to overinflate their egos and confidence. Instead, they have a calm relaxed ego and
confidence that's in harmony with the rest of their personality, unlike
the
bulging/pulsating ego/confidence that Americans tend to exude which can
be
quite intimidating to others and to foreigners.
Thus, they
are more comfortable to be around (in my
view at least). And that's why I have a
more natural comfort zone with foreigners.
This difference is readily noticeable by anyone with exposure to
foreigners and newly arrived immigrants.
One can easily sense it in their personalities, vibes and auras,
that
they are accustomed to a rich communal bond.
It's a refreshing contrast to the big bulging type of ego and
over-confidence that modern Americans tend to develop, which is
overcompensating, intimidating to others, and leads to dysfunctional
behavior,
maladaptation and mental illness.
You see, a
sense of natural interconnection with
others means you simply don't need to develop a big ego, attitude, or
over-confidence to be "tough".
But in America, you do tend to need such ridiculous qualities,
otherwise
you feel vulnerable to being trampled by others who have them. It's an immature power play.
Some
Americans even consider me "weak" and
"timid" when they meet me, because I don't overinflate my attitude
and confidence in the bravado style that they do, and appear too
easy-going to
them. But in reality, I have a deep
inner strength, balance, harmony and willpower that they don't know or
appreciate (and how can they since most of them have no "inner life"
anyway). So I have no need to inflate my
outer personality to imitate them, which they sometimes use to put me
down. Funnily enough, even some young
punks have chided me for not being like them, acting as though
“everything is
cool” and exuding fake optimism all the time.
However, I find their act/behavior too fake for my taste and
also, if I
were to try to emulate them, well, I just wouldn’t feel good
about myself doing
it.
In fact,
even their British counterparts, whose
culture/values most closely resemble ours, have far less of an egoist
attitude
and act far more modestly (as well as more cultured).
The
conflicting oxymoron of trying to "fit
in"
The second
common maladaptive behavior influenced by
the lack of a sense of interconnectedness in the US is the perpetual
neurosis
of trying to "fit in" somewhere.
But it’s an oxymoron to try to “fit in” to a
society that is
individualistic and private in nature.
You can't truly "fit in" a society where everyone is separate,
individualistic, exclusive, and isolated from each other
psychologically, cause
there's really nothing to "fit" into.
In that sense, no one really "fits in". They
either thrive in this kind of
environment, or they don't (like me).
But many still keep trying (or feel the need to try) to "fit
in" anyway because it is innate in our psyche to belong, bond, and
connect
with others. Unfortunately, the average
American doesn't realize this, and so asks him/herself perpetually,
"how
do I fit in?"
And of
course, there are some who simply live their
own life and don’t care about “fitting in”, as my dad
described to me about how
he dealt with this issue:
“Dear Win,
I can understand now what you had gone
through in
those growing up years in California. I am so sorry that I did not see
your sufferings
then and offered you some help. My situation was different than yours.
I was
mentally prepared what I would encountered when we immigrated to the
US. I knew
that I had to work double harder and smarter to get the same pay and
position.
I hated to play politic. I was promoted to a manager but when the top
management shift and re-organized, the minority managers are the first
to be
shifted. I knew that I could not and would not want to fit in to this
foreign
society. I was not interested in their sports. All they talked about
was
football and baseball, the players, the teams that meant nothing to me.
I did
not want to go to have a drink after work with my co-workers. So, it
was not a
problem to me because I did not want to fit in anyway. But to you, it
is
completely different. I was not realized the crude environment of
American
schools in all levels. I came from a very friendly and strictly
monitored
school environment. Look what had happened in the Virginia Tech that a
Korean
student killed 13 people? He was discriminated and badly treated in
school. No
excuse there. The problem is American do not seem to be able to learn
from past
lessons. That is why those tragedies keep happening.
I am glad and feel so relief that you
finally came
out of that and are able to find your own path and write about them.
You can
now guide others out of those traps and find their happiness some place
else.
Good luck, love,
Dad”
An
offshoot of this is the "identity crisis"
where an individual feels undefined, not knowing his/her place and
purpose in
an "artificial society" like ours (which is not even in harmony with
nature or our own souls). It's a complex
neurosis that makes no sense, and has no logical solution, yet it's an
ongoing
problem that lingers in the psyche of many in America.
Unfortunately, many young Americans have no
idea how to deal with it, nor how to verbalize it, so they escape into
drugs,
alcohol, promiscuous sex, addiction, or delinquent behavior.
The
problem though, stems from an inherent conflict/contradiction
between American cultural values and our innate human nature. On the one hand, Americans like to be
separate from others, independent, not need others, and be in their own
space
and bubble. And they are conditioned to
derive a sense of pride and honor from being independent and autonomous. But on the other, we have an innate human
need to connect/bond with others and belong to a social
group/collective.
Thus, a
fundamental conflict arises at the core
between our mentality and our natural biological/psychological needs. They mentally tell themselves, "I
am strong, independent,
self-reliant. I don't need others. I am happy being alone. And
I'm proud of it." But in their heart
and emotions they FEEL a
need to bond/connect to others and belong, so deep down they wonder
"how
do I fit in and where do I fit in?"
These two needs are diametrically opposed, and can progress to a
deep
"identity crisis" that they can't explain or understand, like a
split-personality within them that creates confusion.
Simply
put, the American cultural value of
separateness does not breed unity, deep-hearted camaraderie, or a
communal
sense of belonging among its people.
Instead, it breeds narcissism and selfishness.
My Expat Advisor couldn't have been
more right when he told me:
"Americans don't tend
to work well in groups. They meet for
convenience and then go their separate ways, each doing his/her own
thing."
In
contrast, in other countries "fitting in"
is simply not an issue, and certainly not a neurosis, because the
natural
inherent sense of interconnectedness in foreign cultures makes everyone
"fit in" by default, since there is no cultural/psychological
separation in the first place. Since in
most other nations there is not such a strong sense of individualism,
they do
not view themselves as separate from others.
Thus, people have more in common with each other and get along
much
better than those in individualistic countries do.
There isn’t this Western individualistic ego
that battles other egos like in
One of the
best examples of this is in the
“One thing you will notice in the
people will just accept you as you are and
treat you as a human being.
That is called Freedom. The freedom to be
yourself.
I am not afraid to go to Casinos there,
bars and restaurants and that I
will feel out of place or see
cocky people around swaggering or puffing
up their chests. All social
interactions are smooth and
friendly and you are part of everything. I
just walk in and the feeling
is nice. You are included in their
groups. They are so different from the
Anglos or the CJKs (Chinese,
Japanese, Koreans).”
He also
observed:
"The Philippine society
puts primary emphasis on family, human relations and the development
thereof-
which includes sex, friendship, love, etc.
Socially, it seems to be one of the most advanced societies on
earth. Of course, these developments are
not
mentioned in the western press which only measures progress in
political,
technological and financial areas. If it
started measuring societies by the healthfulness of social life, the
place you
are at would win hands down.
Cheerz."
In fact,
the article at this link below explains why
Filipinos in general, though poor, have a pure radiant happiness about
them and
in their smiles (which I can personally attest to, having been in the
Philippines) attributing it to their fundamental view that they are NOT
separate from others:
http://www.livinginthephilippines.com/art_why_filipino_are_happy.html
“UP Professor Felipe de Leon, after
a decade of
researching, has concluded that Filipino culture is the most
inclusive and
open of all those he has studied. It is the opposite of the
individualistic
culture of the West, with its emphasis on privacy and personal
fulfillment. It
is also the opposite of certain collectivistic cultures, as one finds
them in
Confucian societies, that value hierarchy and ‘face.'
"BY CONTRAST", Filipino culture is based
on
the notion of kapwa, a Tagalog word that roughly translates into
"shared
being." In essence, it means that most Filipinos, deep down, do not
believe that their own existence is separable from that of the people
around
them. Everything, from pain to a
snack or a joke, is there to be shared. "The strongest social urge
of
the Filipino is to connect, to become one with people", says De
One of my
readers who has lived in the
“I've lived in the
From my
experience in foreign environments, you can
sense this “interconnectedness” I speak of, even without
seeing any evidence,
from the vibe in the air around you, generated by the collective
mentality/attitude of the population.
Those who
visit
“Hi Winston,
I was just talking to someone in the
newsroom where I
work about his trip to
Some
offshoot effects of “separateness” in
Here are
some other offshoot effects of the inherent
separateness in
a)
Going out alone in other countries doesn't
leave you feeling vulnerable, alone, or insecure like you would in
On the
other hand, when you go out alone in
b)
Likewise, being single in other countries is
also far less painful than in America, where the lack of
interconnectedness
makes being single much worse than it otherwise would be in an
inclusive
interconnected social environment and vibe. After all, what could
be more
lonely than being alone in a society where people are isolated from you
mentally, emotionally, and psychologically by default?
In a
society where everyone is separate, independent,
and in their own bubble/shell, it feels awkward, unnatural, and
inappropriate
to try to meet people or connect with others, rather than in an
interconnected/communal environment.
c)
Nowadays, the whole country seems unduly
insecure, as one reader observed:
“Living in the
Western Europeans however are very warm in
welcoming
you if you have money or not. In
d)
Our overemphasis with individuality in
https://www.happierabroad.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=18
“The US appears to hold
individuality so dear that it
has produced possibly the most bland 'individuals' of all cultures,
bi-polar
patients aside perhaps, which there seems to be no end of now. It would
appear
the true life of the person cannot be found in isolation, rather it
blooms in a
more collective mentality. No surprise, it's difficult to cultivate a
complex
mentality when all you're exposed to is the same people, friends,
situations,
roads, jobs, etc or worse, left in isolation. I have always found my
friends
from other countries to be far more informed and colorful as people,
men and
women both and far more altruistic and 'other oriented' than the people
I've
known in the
Strangest thing is, the people I've known from politically torn and
bomb ridden
countrysides are far less paranoid than people from the States and far
more
outgoing. Then again, people from safer countries than the
e)
Also, the belief in separateness from others
also contributes to disunity and harmony in the American family.
It has
been sociologically documented that families in
f) The individuality of separateness view also contributes to a
primitive
socialization process, as this intellectual expat observed:
“
In
conclusion, Americans simply don't know how to deal
with this emptiness and lack of interconnectedness. If you look
at their
faces in public, you notice that they look angry, high strung and
irritable all
the time, not knowing why they aren't happy or what they are
missing.
Occasionally, they pull out the regular punch line greeting to others,
"How are you? Oh I'm just great, and how about you?" in their
artificial cheerful tones, to reinforce fake optimism on each
other. But
it's just a temporary fix-it "band-aid" they try to use which in no
way substitutes for the rich communal bond, sense of belonging,
deep-hearted
camaraderie, or interconnectedness with others that they are
missing.
The
insightful metaphysics/spirituality author,
Fritjof Capra, in his book The Tao of
Physics (page 9) described the consequences that
“fragmentation” leads to:
“This inner fragmentation of man
mirrors his view of
the world “outside,” which is seen as a multitude of
separate objects and
events. The natural environment is
treated as if it consisted of separate parts to be exploited by
different
interest groups. The fragmented view is
further extended to society, which is split into different nations,
races,
religious and political groups. The
belief that all these fragments – in ourselves, in our
environment, and in our
society – are really separate can be seen as the essential reason
for the
present series of social, ecological, and cultural crises.
It has alienated us from nature and from our
fellow human beings. It has brought a
grossly unjust distribution of natural resources, creating economic and
political disorder; an ever-rising wave of violence, both spontaneous
and
institutionalized, and an ugly, polluted environment in which life has
often
become physically and mentally unhealthy.”
To be fair
though, separateness and individuality do
have some advantages that are worth noting.
For one, if you are in a group, family or environment that is
detrimental to your interests and goals, it is much easier for an
individualist/separatist to do what it takes to get out of such a
predicament,
than it would be for one who is group-minded and co-dependent on their
group/family. The latter aligns his/her
interests with those of the group, viewing the group’s interests
as his/her
own, dissolving their own individuality in the process.
Plus, group-minded folks are less likely to
speak out or take action when it’s needed, and more likely to be
modest and
passive instead. And they can be
unnecessarily self-sacrificing (depending on your views and values of
course),
foregoing their own needs for others.
But of course, whether these are advantages or not depends on
one’s
personal and cultural values.
Americans
should take note that in spiritual and
mystical thought, it is taught that at the higher levels of
consciousness,
people view themselves as interconnected and interdependent with others
and
everything else, including the universe and God, for that is the true
nature of
how things really are, at the quantum and physical level.
That’s why they aim at absolving the ego (sin
nature in Christian terms) which thrives on separateness rather than
unity with
others and God. The best-selling New Age
author and motivational speaker Dr. Wayne Dyer taught:
“The ego thrives on separateness. Authentic freedom is found by absolving this
sense of separateness from others and God.” (“Four Pathways
to Success” audio
tape)
Peter
Joseph, founder of the revolutionary Zeitgeist Movement, in
his transformative
film Zeitgeist
Addendum, summed up the interconnectedness concept very well:
"There is no such thing as independence in
nature. The whole of nature is a unified system of interdependent
variables,
each a cause and reaction, existing only as a concentrated whole."
And in the
same film, John Perkins, a former “Economic
Hit Man” described the joy of connection:
"Joy comes from that bliss of
connectedness.
That's our God spirit. That's that side
of ourselves that really feels it, and you can feel it deep inside you.
It's
this amazing wonderful feeling. You know it when you get it. You don't
get it
from money. You get it from connection."
Discuss this
article here: https://www.happierabroad.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=6709
See also:
Fragmentation
vs.
Wholeness: Why you feel alone and insecure in America
Reader
responses:
- “Interesting. A lot
of it stems from collective mentality-
there is no need for a massive ego if you belong
to a group with many
friends. They bolster you and support
you and make you feel better about yourself.
In the
others with huge egos will crush you. And people will not respect
you if
you do not puff up your chest and
tell the world "I am great!"”
- “You really tell the truth the way
it
is about American society. Many
people want to get in a bubble or comfort
zone of a kind of fake reality
with our mainstream media, superficial tv
and music and it reflects in
the women of
engineered to live apart and not want
"natural" contact with others but
instead want superficial relationships
and friendships. It is hard for
free thinkers of different backgrounds in
comfortable in this kind of environment,
which is why I want to either
move to
would be more open and accepting for a
classical black musician as
myself! The educational system is dumbing
us down as well in American,
making us submissive to authority and
never questioning things in our
society. I could write a long essay about
this but I agree with everything
that you have said. Keep up the good
work.
Richard
- “Alright I
just read the rest of your paper and though I still agree with the
original
thought I can see where you placed your finding... without a doubt the
countries
I have been too particularly Sweden and Jordan when traveling many
times
perfect strangers would ask for my friends and I to come visit...
have dinner, tea, etc without wanting or expecting anything in
return.
These things you would never, ever see in the states
where everyone
stranger or friend is looked at as a threat.
hope you had a good day,
Maureen”
-
“Do you
remember these pop song lyrics:
"If I fail, if I succeed, at least I'll live like I
believe......." also "I did it my way....." and ".... then
the hero comes along, with the strength to carry on....."
All the above things represent the American
spirit of individual achievement and, ironically, you are using it, and
following it while looking for collectivist cultures.
In other words, you are looking for the
balance between the two and, possibly, finding it.”
- “Agreed.
- “Hi Winston I can 100 percent relate to
your last article. About how the
http://www.expatexchange.com/expat/index.cfm?frmid=275&forumid=0&dbname=ee&tpcid=3334383&shared=N
-
“Interesting points, but not necessarily; like anything and most
everything there are rules of thumbs and generalizations that can be
drawn; yet
exceptions and standard errors exists.
- a strong cohesive society can also have its
draw-back
- the so-in-your-face-imposing type of culture as well as peer
pressure; though
it can be a comfort and joy, it can also be a hindrance in creative
expression
that seem to be fostered in individualistic form of environments...
- extreme peer pressure can lead to hypocrisy,
where
individuals will tend to mask certain predispositions for the sake of
conformity.
though filipina by origin, and I grew up in
Manila in
the early formative years, my father was a foreign diplomat for a
European
country, hence I grew up in an ex-pat Manila setting; My adult career
in the US
while often in Europe (Italy) - I see the pros and cons of both
invidualized
and cohesive family-style types of societies (which seems to me like an
extended tribal form of grouping) ....
individualized societies can be annoying too
... don't
get me wrong ...
but just wanted to comment, that .. sense
experience
needs to be taken with a grain of salt ...
there are pros and cons .. there's not one
best way or
mode ... (well I guess it's not best if it's fascist, totalitarian or
any form
of extremism) ....
i see life as a dialectic ... i simply
flow.”
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