There are so many things here that I'm ashamed to talk about, yet I do so out of truth's sake.
Do you think I should have or could have done anything differently? Feedback and analysis would be appreciated.
How I Became Happier Abroad:
20 years of loneliness and datelessness in America that led me overseas
(1982 - 2002)
By Winston Wu (wwu777us@yahoo.com)
"I love rebels and free spirits, I really do. And that's why I like Wu so much. There are so many people who turn into depressed potatoes in the USA. They just sit there and get more and more depressed. And if you don't fit in, they just label you a "loser". Wu didn't just sit down and take that. Wu rebelled against that."
- Luke from Winston’s Forum
“Winston the reason you are successful is that you admitted there was a problem and went outside the box to get what you want. Most people settle for what life puts right in front of them.�
- Jeff, Atlanta
“Winston you are now an Asian American Moses, and you are leading your people out of the “captivity� of boredom, loneliness, lovelessness and datelessness to the various promised lands of milk and honey, many honeys that is and milk is to come later. Lol.�
- Ladislav, Winston’s Cultural Advisor
Part 1: Persecution and ostracization from peers (1982 – 1991)
Part 2: Chronic loneliness in adulthood in an anti-social society (1992 – 2001)
Part 3: Discovering the world abroad - The journey that changed my life forever and made my dreams come true (2002 - Present)
Hello, I am Winston Wu. And this is my story.
It is a very sad story, but culminates in a happy solution at the end, albeit an unconventional one. This is the sad tale of a constant loser in America with an iron will, who persevered through decades of suffering and futility, until he found his solution. Although the solution worked and provided the permanent results that led to the fruition of my dreams and fantasies, it was highly unconventional and taboo as well.
If any of you ever considered yourselves a "loser" before, perhaps after reading my story you won't feel so bad compared to what I went through.
For most of my life, I had been ostracized from having any sort of life in America. Instead I suffered unjust persecution from my peers and society. My days were filled with mostly loneliness and boredom. And nothing I did changed any of it permanently.
That is, until I went abroad.
Here is how it all began.
Part 1: Persecution and ostracization from peers (1982 - 1991)
Born in Taiwan in 1973 as an only child, my family emigrated to the USA in 1976. We lived in New York for a year before moving out to the West Coast to settle in the "Golden State" of California, the golden land of promise and opportunity at the time.
I had a happy childhood in Palo Alto and San Jose, where we lived for several years. At Peninsula Day Care Center, Springer Elementary (Palo Alto), and then Majestic Way (San Jose) I had close friends to play with everyday, and I was surrounded by loving caring warm teachers with very wholesome values, the kind of folks that you see on Little House on the Prairie, Mister Rogers and Romper Room.
I even had my first crush when I was 6 or 7. She was a blonde named Angela. Something about her made me feel intoxicated, weak, vulnerable and in a daze. I had no idea what to do about it except tease her and pretend I hated her. From that point on, I feared women for how weak and vulnerable they could make me feel.
But just before 3rd grade, when we moved from San Jose to Fremont, CA in 1982, a strange jinx or curse began, and everything went downhill. (And forever, I will always wonder if I would have had a normal life had we stayed in Palo Alto or San Jose) For the next ten years and beyond, I would live a "Job-like" (Job in the Old Testament) existence. At my new school, Chadbourne, immediately I was seen as different and weird, both racially (being Asian) and personality-wise as well. Soon I became the subject of group bullying by the class. I was teased, spat upon, bullied, hated, and picked on constantly even though I never did anything wrong to anyone.
It made no sense, and tarnished my view of the world and the fairness of life. As Job lamented in the Old Testament, why am I being made to suffer so much even though I've done nothing wrong? And since I was weak, shy, and timid, I couldn't do anything about it or stand up for myself. All this destroyed my self-esteem, and I lived each day in fear, waiting and hoping that this painful predicament would subside. But it didn't, so I was left to endure it in pain.
This period greatly retarded my mental, emotional, and psychological development, for sure. Instead of growing up with normal experiences, all I could do everyday was endure and wait for all the torture and pain of being ostracized and spat upon to subside.
This continued on throughout the rest of elementary school, junior high, and high school, in varying degrees. I never felt liked, accepted, or even respected, only made a scapegoat by all my peers to vent their hatred and aggression on. I hated it and resented it like hell, but I felt powerless to do anything about it, and had no self-confidence either. Plus at that age, I saw my duty as a child who goes to school. I could not see it any other way.
The only highlight of my day was during lunch, when I would eat a tasty meal that temporarily made me forget the social/psychological hell I was in. The ham and cheese sandwich, tator tots, and chocolate milk of the school meal was my only pleasure and escape of the day. Either that or my mom's tuna sandwich, cheese n crackers, milk, and apple in a lunch bag.
That, and after school when I would watch reruns of Star Trek or cartoons. I especially had an affinity toward Star Trek. Mr. Spock was so logical and everything he did made sense, which was a total contrast to my life which made no sense at all. That's why he was such a great escape for me. That, and I idolized Captain Kirk who had such a brave courageous personality, the kind I wished I had. Plus, shows like Star Trek and Star Wars stimulated my imagination and lust for fantasy, which I needed badly as an escape from my horrid predicament. I also liked many other sci fi shows at the time (Lost in Space, Buck Rogers, Battlestar Galactica, The Six Million Dollar Man). These shows made sense to me. They were simply about good guys vs bad guys and every character had understandable motivations, whereas my life, where I was tormented by a whole class for doing nothing wrong, made no sense at all.
My summer vacations were boring as hell. The few friends I did have never kept their promises to get together. And I had no fun or adventure like you were "supposed" to. Instead, with both my parents working and being trapped in the suburbs, I had nowhere to go but stay home and watch Sesame Street and Mister Rogers, followed by daytime soap operas (which looked scary to me because of the weird film they used in it) or old movies. There was no internet to amuse myself with at the time. Sometimes I got so bored being alone that I almost went insane, my inner demons tried to take over, making me hear strange sounds (including those made by the house settling), and frightening the hell out of me. Life was so hopeless. So much for the American dream of a house in the suburbs.
And my birthdays were so sad too. No one to invite or throw a party with. It was just me and my parents singing and eating cake. It was so sad that I often cried in futility. Deep down, I wanted and believed that I deserved a lot better.
One time, I even hurt my mom and made her cry, by telling her how much I hated her for bringing me into this world to suffer like this. I just hated myself so much, since everyone else did as well, and had no one to blame but her. In effect, I transferred the hatred from my peers to her, passing on the pain, hatred and blame. That's how desperate and end of the rope I was. So horrible and sad.
And I'll never understand why the school staff allows all these horrible things to happen at their school. It seems so cruel and senseless. Aren't the teachers reasonably intelligent adults? Why don't they do anything about it?
When 6th grade began, followed by junior high at Hopkins, my peers were starting to "date" or "go with" as they put it, I felt totally unworthy to even enter the dating scene that it was out of the question, and I was too scared to talk to girls anyway, as I didn't know what to say to them, and I hated how they made me feel weak and strange all over. Girls picked up on this, and some took advantage and chased me for fun. Some of the girls were cute, but them chasing me as a group was frightening to me at the time.
In 7th grade, I had a crush for a whole year on this blonde girl named Emily. I dreamed about her 24/7 that year, always feeling weak and possessed by the thought of her. It was like an illness I thought I'd never recover from. In spite of this though, I didn't have the guts to even say hi to her. Every time she walked by, I would become paralyzed with fear, as well as intoxicated, and hate myself for that afterward. A friend of mine heard through the grapevine that she thought I was cute too. But I never had the guts nor self-worth to follow up on it. Two years later though, in 9th grade, when I found her next to me in a class, I finally did utter a few words to her, which shocked her. She seemed pleasantly surprised and perhaps was receptive to me and still liked me, but my crush on her had already worn out, so I didn't really care. I'll always wonder though, what would have happened if I had asked her to "go with" me.
(Her name was Emily Steinkamp by the way, and if any of you reading this knows her or knows how to find her, please try to get her in touch with me)
When high school began in Mission San Jose in 1987, as well as 9th grade, I had a new crush, a cute brunette named Richelle Faria, who lived only a few blocks down the street from me. The interesting thing is, my best friend at the time, a Filipino-Chinese guy named James Hernandez, also had a crush on her. I never told him that I did though, so we had this three way drama for a year.
(Amazingly, when I visited Fremont again recently back in 2006 and went to my old neighborhood, I met Richelle's mom outside and found out that Richelle still lives there at home with her parents in the same house that she did in 1987! I guess they must be one happy cozy family, even after 20 years! Unfortunately though, she barely remembers anything about me and remembers nothing about James Hernandez! I guess not everyone's memory is as great as mine
)In high school, strong cliques had formed, and biases and opinions were as strong as ever, as students had begun puberty and were struggling to form an identity. The new problem for me was that I didn't fit into any of the cliques, not even with the nerds who made geeky jokes that I didn't find funny, nor did I ever see myself as a "nerd" anyway. But alas, you had to join a clique in high school to have any friends or have any social life or go to any parties or be anything. But the whole clique and social scene in high school made me feel very uncomfortable. It all seemed so fake, unnatural and immature. And the way kids acted in high school in general made me very uncomfortable. I could not be like them, nor did I want to be. They seemed so barbaric. I didn't feel like I belonged or fit in anywhere. My peers picked up on this, and so they teased me and spat on me even more.
Not only was I clueless about how to join a clique, but deep down, I didn't even really want to try to join one. It didn't feel natural to even try. Plus, I still had no confidence or self-esteem either. So, again I was ostracized from all social life and dating among my peers. I had no dates, not even female friends, never went out, never went to school dances or proms, and never went to any parties. I envied those who did, but I could just never be one of them.
It's not that I wasn't attracted to girls. Far from it. I was horny as hell everyday, especially in the afternoon when I was bored and restless in my desk, my hormones would be raging like a storm as I fantasized and lusted after all the girls around me shorts and tank tops. I had crushes and sexual desires for many girls, and I jacked off a lot while thinking about them when I got home (and in fact, I started jacking off when I was 8 years old, but I didn't know what it was called at the time). It's just that I and my peers saw myself as a total loser not worthy to even try to be interested in girls. When everyone is against you, it's hard to go against them.
Even the few friends or acquaintances I found to hang out with during lunch, looked reluctant and ashamed at my presence, as though I was damaging their image by being around them. I constantly felt unwanted, unloved, and worse of all, I had no identity. I was merely a misfit who was different and didn't fit in anywhere and was unwanted anywhere too.
I often wondered if the rest of my life was going to be like this, and if the world after high school would be the same. If it was, my life could only end in suicide, I thought. (Fortunately, it wasn't)
If you want to imagine what it was like, picture the situation in the movie "Karate Kid" where Ralph Macchio kept getting beaten up and bullied by that group of karate bullies. But instead of just one small group of guys, imagine an entire school of them. That was my situation. But I had it far worse than "The Karate Kid" in fact, because he at least had a girlfriend he went out with and kissed, whereas I didn't even have that. I was ostracized and asexual in the school social scene.
To try to find meaning and consolation in all this, I turned to Evangelical Christianity. Its Gospel message gave me solace and made sense out of my unjust persecution. And its absolutist doctrines and precepts gave my chaotic life some kind of structure and order. The belief that upon accepting Christ, I was one of the special chosen one, and that the rest of the world which was persecuting me was evil, fallen, and under the influence of Satan, gave my predicament enough meaning to help me get through the day. At least it did so for two years. Afterward, I would have an on and off relationship with it until I left high school, where I would start leaning toward New Age beliefs.
When my junior year of high school came (the year which many claim is the most fun and memorable), the classes and homework became much harder. That created another problem for me. You see, I didn't like to study (in spite of what everyone thought), and sitting and taking notes to memorize them did not come naturally to me. Studying and taking tests felt like a prison. My mind was a wanderer who preferred to indulge in imagination. I was a thinker and adventurer. It was not in my nature to sit, take notes, and memorize a ton of stuff I'd never even use in life.
Since I was somewhat smart and clever though, I usually got by in the past with little studying and still scored passing grades. But not junior year. The school work became overbearing, and I started getting C's and D's, which are a complete no-no in an Asian family.
Thus, I didn't fit in high school socially nor academically, neither among my peers nor the administration and their whole "system".
Frankly, I'll never understand why God, mother nature, or destiny puts people like me in places and situations they don't fit into at all. It makes no sense. In fact, all my life circumstances have placed me in lose-lose situations, and I never understood why. Perhaps I am so independent-minded that I am unable to "conform" to anything, at least in the US, and so I was destined to be a loner. That plus the fact that I seem to be one of those people that project a "victim vibe" that attracts predators, energy vampires, and those seeking a target or scapegoat.
In short, I had nothing going for me - I didn't get good grades, wasn't good at sports, had no real friends, no social life, no fun, not even any self-worth. It was the lowest point one could go. In addition, I had no siblings to come home to console me, since I was an only child. I was the ultimate loser from every angle. But I was a loser with an iron will, strong desires, and an imagination to live for.
Unable to cope, I somehow developed these strange OCD symptoms which caused me to retreat for hours each day and night into bizarre rituals that made no sense, but which I felt I had to do to quell anxiety, fear and negativity in my mind. I guess it was the only thing I had control over, since I couldn't deal with my external circumstances. My own mind became a prison for me. This made it virtually impossible now to get any homework or studying done. And my grades plummeted sharply.
Eventually, things got so bad and I became so depressed and dysfunctional that I could no longer function in the rigid schedule of school and its pressures, where I was not even happy. So I had to pull out of school and go on home schooling. My self-esteem had now gone down into the negative values range, and that put me in such great pain that I wanted to commit suicide to be free of such torment, though I didn't have the guts to do so. All day and night I was gripped in fear and a sense of doom, dread and hopelessness. I even woke up in extreme terror. It was awful. I could barely even keep up with the home schooling even though it was easier, I was just too depressed to study.
No one could understand me. My own home felt like an insane asylum, even though it was a very nice home. Even the few friends that I had abandoned me, including Wesley Chang, my long-time best friend of 8 years, who had become a totally different and worse person, and James Hernandez, my closest confidante.
When the famous 1989 San Francisco earthquake hit, I was lying on the couch unable to move. I felt no fear at all, but prayed that the roof would fall on me and put an end to my misery.
Not knowing what to do, my parents, at the advice of an unsympathetic psychiatrist, put me in a mental rehab center for a month. It actually turned out to be a nice place, with a swimming pool, entertainment lounge, good food, fun counselors, and various health and arts and crafts activities. It was like a resort almost. Though I don't think I had a real mental illness that needed to be treated, the time there was a big stress reliever that did end up making me feel a lot better afterward. At least I regained the ability to enjoy things again afterward.
That summer, after the year was over, we decided that I needed a great getaway for rejuvenation and change of environment. So I went to Taiwan, the native country I was born in. I had gone there three times prior, and each time I had been there, I had a sense of natural belonging. There was no pressure or issue of "fitting in" and everyone I met there was very kind and gentle. So I went and ended up spending a year there. I stayed with different relatives and made some friends. It was wonderful and refreshing to be in an environment where people did not constantly spat upon you, and where I was free of the unduly and unnatural constant pressure of trying to "fit in" into cliques or maintaining some kind of high school "image" in order to avoid being a loser or ostracized. Plus, people there were not only kind to me, but gave me special treatment as well, being that I was from America. (At that time, Taiwanese people had a thing for America and dreamed of going there) In fact, I was constantly told that "if only you were 18, you'd be such a hot item with the girls here, but you are 17 and underage". When I tried to explain the situation I came from, people there would try to be sympathetic, though it was obvious they could not relate at all.
After a year there, I had a new sense of self-worth and confidence. I felt rejuvenated and ready to take on life again. I dreaded going back to the states, but part of me missed home and all its treasures (such as UNO's pizzeria). My only consolation was that my peers at Mission San Jose high school that had spat upon me daily before had already graduated by then, so I wouldn't have to deal with those specific people again. Plus I was going to a new high school anyway, so I could begin anew. But I only needed to finish one more year of high school, then I'd be free of that hellish prison.
So I finished my senior year at John F. Kennedy High School. Unfortunately though, since I entered as a senior, not knowing anybody, at a time when "cliques" were strongly formed and established, I had no place socially and no one to hang out with, so I remained a loner, even though I was not shy but very talkative, oddly enough. (America is the only place I know of in fact, where you can be very outgoing and talkative, yet remain a loner)
To avoid looking like a loner or loser during lunch, I would go off campus and hang out somewhere during that hour, or join some club meeting and pretend to be interested in the activities there. It didn't really matter that much though, because at least I was not hated, spat upon, or "picked on" for having no clique or being different. Most of my peers respected me for being smart and knowledgeable, getting good grades, and acting confident and well poised. So they let me be at least. And that was important cause peace of mind was what I needed most at the time, even without a social life.
With peace of mind and my self-esteem rejuvenated, my mental and emotional development was allowed to resume its course. Amazingly, I soon discovered that my communication skills had shot up from zero to good. I was now able to articulate and express myself assertively and confidently, unlike before. Plus I felt more intelligent, knowledgeable and empowered, like it just emerged out from my deep recesses. I suddenly had the ability to write well too, with solid grammar and coherent ideas. I seem to have been reborn with new abilities and desires.
However, loneliness began to take a toll on me.
My only companion was this cute Cantonese girl in 6th period (Computer class) named Anita Au. So even though I was lonely with no social life at all, I at least had a girl to chat with in my last class at the end of the day. It was the closest thing I had to any form of companionship, even though it was just casual chit chat about the school work.
But after the first semester was over, our teacher suddenly decided to change the seating roster. She said that having to work with new people would help teach us "people skills" blah blah blah.
When the new seats were announced, much to my dismay, me and Anita's were separated. Anita even frowned at this. But she never saw how deeply my heart sank.
So bad luck struck my life yet again. The only companionship I had in my school life was taken away from me - like a beggar stripped of his only comfort.
How could God be so cruel, I wondered? I was a passionate fanatical Christian at the time, and believed that God was taking care of me. I was shocked he would allow this to happen.
For the rest of the second semester, I only exchanged passing smiles and waves with Anita. We were never able to chat much again. The resentment in me slowly built up. And my longing and crush for Anita gradually began to surface until I felt pain.
During lunch, I had no one to hang out with except for this Christian youth group that would meet for fellowship once a week. During one meeting, when the Pastor asked each of us what troubled us, I could not bring myself to say that I had no friends or social life at this school, so I merely said that my pain was being constantly bored and lonely. In response, the Pastor said that boredom is something we create, to which I took offense to. He had no idea what I was going through and I was too ashamed to say any more.
At the end of the year, during final exams week, I finally decided to go up to Anita and tell her how much I missed her and cared about her. When I did, she blew me off and began avoiding me. In my year book she wrote that she hoped I would find someone else.
When I got home, out of desperation, I found her phone number in the White Pages and then called her, to see if I could salvage anything. Though mentally I knew it was hopeless, there were months of pent up emotion in me toward that I had to release and face, at least for closure. So even though I knew she wasn't interested in me, I basically called her cause I needed the closure.
On the phone, she kept blowing me off and telling me firmly, "Winston, NEVER call me again ok?"
After we hung up, I had my closure, but an extreme anger and resentment began building up inside of me, more than I ever felt before. I let it too, for the extreme emotion made me feel alive after a whole year of lifeless existence.
My eyes became bloodshot and my face became animalistic, as though primitive urges had taken over. Adrenaline was surging through me in a way it never had. I felt like I had become The Incredible Hulk.
The next day, the students who were accustomed to seeing me as calm and mellow were surprised that I looked so different even.
You see, I had never had a girlfriend before. Love and companionship were always denied to me, like a jinx. I would always lose every time. It was never meant to be. Here I was finishing high school and I didn't even have my first real date yet, the kind you see in the movies.
The whole year I had been a good Christian, read the Bible, went to Church, prayed, and witnessed for Christ to others. Yet for all that, I ended up with rejection and hurt, my only companionship stripped from me.
So my resentment began to be directed toward God. I angrily told him:
"What the hell? I was a good Christian for a whole year. I read the Bible, prayed, learned your teachings, and witnessed to other students, and almost got beaten up for doing so by Muslim students! I really stuck my neck out there for you! And what do I get for that? Hurt and rejection yet again? Why can't I win for just ONCE in my life? JUST ONCE?! It's like you ALWAYS jinx me with bad luck and loneliness. ALWAYS! If you're so all powerful, why can't you change that? WHY?!
Alright, that's it. I'm pissed. More than you know! I'm going to show you how pissed I am by not talking to you or reading my Bible for several months. I'm going to STOP being a Christian for several months to show you how hurt and resentful I really am!
I don't deserve this perpetual life of loneliness that you've given me and rewarded me with! So it'll be MY way of punishing you!"
After that, I never really regained my interest or passion in the Christian faith again. Perhaps without the unnatural pressures of high school, I no longer needed it as a crutch. Perhaps that's what it really was to me - a crutch, something to believe in, which I needed in my meaningless existence of loneliness and boredom.
Instead, I began to gravitate toward New Age beliefs. They were far more intellectually stimulating with no strict rules, boundaries and fear mongering dogmas that barred me from other forms of knowledge or mysticism. New Age allowed complete freedom of exploration and study in all metaphysical, mystical and paranormal subject areas.
This freedom and stimulation allowed me to grow intellectually and spiritually. And I liked it so much that I never wanted to go back to the strict black and white thinking of being a Christian fundamentalist anymore.
It brought new life to my lonely world. And that's why I stayed on this path. With it, doors opened in my spiritual and intellectual understanding that I never thought possible.
The lonely months continued until I had my first girlfriend the next year. But these New Age interests of mine kept my imagination and curiosity for esoteric truth alive at least.
So that's the story of how my religious/spiritual path changed back in 1992.
I know a lot of Christian believers out there will chide me for abandoning their faith over being rejected by a girl. But who's to say that she wasn't just a catalyst for a spiritual change of path that I was already headed toward?
It's hard for me to say whether or not if it wasn't for her, I would have remained on the Christian fundamentalist path. I would say that it's doubtful though.
But it does seem that pushing the Christian fanaticism out of me for a while, allowed new eyes to open in me, to the point that I didn't want to go back to being "blind" and narrow again.
Note: To read a more detailed story of my odd childhood that covers the same period above, click here http://www.happierabroad.com/Childhood.htm
(continued in part 2)
