you are one of the many
Westerners who harbor the myth that most or all Russian women are
leave their country or want a green card, then please read my article
consider the 12 points that I make which prove it to be a narrow-minded
egocentric American myth. These points are based on my
being many months in
12 Reasons Why Russian Women are NOT
Desperate to Leave Their Country:
A Complete Debunking of the American Myth
By Winston Wu ([email protected])
This article addresses a myth that comes up often during discussions about Russian women. Many ignorant Westerners (who have never been to Russia obviously) believe that most women in Russia are desperate to leave their country and get a green card to America, or they pose that as the explanation for why Russian women treat us men so much better and are more open and friendly than their Western counterparts. This myth is especially common among feminists and arrogant men. These people make snap judgments about something they know nothing about. However, this common myth is completely wrong, and I will demonstrate this from every factual angle in this article.
before I begin keep in
mind that this fallacy is based on a false and egocentric premise that Americans are
what everyone would be like if there were no ulterior motives. That is a major fallacy. Do you really think that humans are
unapproachable and stuck up in their default natural state?! Get real. Just because people are different in other
regions doesn't mean that they must have ulterior motives or a hidden
agenda. Differences are to be expected based on
economics, mentality, socio-economic variables, and intangible factors even. For
1) First of all, the simple fact is that most women in Russia are NOT trying to leave their country to live abroad. (In fact, most people in any country are not trying to leave it.) I've met hundreds of women in Russia, some casually, some I dated, and some as friends. Out of them, only a few claimed they seriously intend on emigrating to America (and I mean move there, not just visit).
In fact, the percentage of the female population in Russia who belong to marriage agencies is far less than one percent of the population. According to the statistics on the Myths section of Elena's site (http://www.womenrussia.com/myths.htm) the percentage of the women in Russia affiliated with marriage agencies looking for foreign men is about 0.13 percent of the total population. That's about a tenth of one percent! Such a stat is only an estimate of course, but the point is that the women looking to leave their country for good is a very small percentage of the whole, contrary to what many Americans believe and what our media likes to perpetuate.
Through the many diverse Russian women I've met in 12 cities over many months, here is what I've learned. The average Russian woman loves to travel to other countries due to their love of foreign culture, curiosity, and sense of adventure. But they are not looking to move abroad permanently. It is rare to find one with the sole purpose of moving abroad.
Those that are considering moving abroad are not usually desperate to do so anyway. It is rare to find a person in Russia who is desperate to leave their country, but as always, those who are, are the ones who make the news, getting attention which contributes to this myth. Furthermore, many women who join internet marriage agencies are not even willing to leave their country, but are just scammers without serious intentions who get a high off of having men come and spend money on them, wine and dine them, etc. And even among the sincere women in marriage agencies, they are usually just considering it as an option anyway, not basing all their hopes on it. Their view is that they would consider moving abroad for the right man that they fall in love with, but relocating is not their primary objective. Finding the right man for them is.
And even among these few who want to relocate, most of them prefer Europe rather than America because a) the proximity is more convenient to allow them to come back to visit their families, and b) European culture is closer and more compatible with Russian culture, and nowhere near the extreme shock one feels transitioning from Russia to America.
In fact, I met more Russian women who wanted to move to Germany than America. For some reason, they have an affinity for Germany (despite what that country did to them in the Second World War), though they say they don’t know why, and many Russian women speak German as a second language rather than English.
I think this myth began as a rant started by feminists to defend their pride against the tide of Western men who are looking for women abroad, painting the men as desperate losers and the foreign women as conniving users who want a green card. Plus, America likes to think that the world revolves around them for some reason (it doesn’t and the well traveled soon learn this). Probably the media further perpetuated it to appease these feminists, whom are the main audience for their advertisers. Our media's other purpose is to motivate you to get up and go to work or school everyday to keep our economy/society productive. One of the ways of doing this is to make you think that other people are worse off than you and would give anything to be in your shoes. And of course, bad news sells better for the media and its advertisers, since people like to believe that others are worse off than they are and would give anything to be in their shoes, to keep themselves motivated in their current situation in life.
To get an idea of Russian people's views on emigration, check out these interviews with everyday people there at this site. You will see that almost none of them are trying to leave their country.
Also, many Russian women are not even drawn to the USA. For example, here's what a Russian girl from Moscow that I corresponded with said to me in a letter:
"To be honest i don't like usa at all, i can move there but only if it is strongly needed (if i fall for an american). Many of my friends was there(with families or for student exchange Work&travel usa) and say something similar to: "they have no culture, but the money... money and nothing more is interesting for them", Doesnt sound inspiring.."
Perceptions of American life such as hers are more common than you might think. Now, here is a challenging question for the Westerners out there who believe in this myth. I have heard that in Saudi Arabia, the natives see Americans there who came on a spiritual pilgrimage to Mecca, which they consider the spiritual center of the world. This leads them to assume that most Americans must be desperate to leave their country to come to Saudi Arabia and Mecca. After all, that's what they see happening around them. Now, let me ask you this. Are they right that most Americans are trying to leave their country to find salvation in Saudi Arabia? Is that what they would find if they came here? If not, then why not? After all, that's what they see going on in their country. They are doing the same thing YOU do, looking around their immediate surroundings and making snap judgments. You see a few Russians around you in your country, hear stories on your news, etc. and assume that most Russians want to come to your country. Their reasoning process is no different than yours.
Do you see how faulty and narrow your myth is now?
In fact, there's really no such thing as a "Russian mail order bride" anymore than there is a Santa Claus. You cannot just go online and "order" a wife or bride. That denigrating term and concept was created by our media for political and social reasons to keep men in fear and appease the feminists. You can read about this in more detail at:
Also check out the FAQ's and misconceptions section of:
Sorry folks, but the truth is, in real life you can't "buy" or "order" a bride from Russia, contrary to the fictional concept created by our media. Those marriage/introduction/dating agencies out there simply allow you to purchase their womens' contact information, not sell away their individual rights to anyone. You've still got to win their hearts or attraction to you. Of course there are scammers on the Russian bride agencies, as well as gold diggers and visa whores. But even in those cases, you are still not “ordering” someone to be your bride.
2) Second, as I mentioned above, most of the women that are in those online marriage agencies are NOT there for the sole purpose of getting out the country. They are there because there is a shortage of good men in their country who behave decently and can financially provide for them (see the next point on surpluses and shortages) and they want to see if they can meet such a man for them. IF they meet that right man, THEN they will consider relocating to his country if he wishes. But their main objective is NOT to get out of their country!
Now, if you want to claim that some of these Russian women want a foreign man because he has more money and is a better provider, that may be a factor, but you've also got to ask yourself, how is that any different from an American woman (or any woman for that matter) who wants a partner who has money and is financially stable? Most women do not marry a man just for their money. There has to be more to the relationship than just money usually. Russian women are human beings too, so why shouldn’t the same apply to them? Motives are not mutually exclusive, contrary to what some ignorant people want to believe.
Even a Russian woman who wants to leave their country wants to at least leave with someone they LOVE and are COMPATIBLE with them, not just anybody! Just because someone wants a foreign mate doesn't mean they'll take anyone! Common sense should tell you that. Think about it and put yourself in their shoes. If you wanted to move to a country by marrying someone there, would you take anyone, or something you are compatible with and love? So why would it be any different for a Russian woman who wanted to marry a foreigner? People are so quick to believe the worst about others, which is sad because it marks a sign of a dysfunctional psyche.
3) Third, in Russia there is a big SURPLUS of attractive mentally healthy single women, rather than a shortage like in the US. In the US there is a surplus of nice good single men and a shortage of nice attractive mentally healthy single women. As a result, even the less attractive women in the US can afford to become pickier, and good single American men can easily have trouble finding available decent women. Just go to any bar or nightclub in the US and you'll see that usually the men outnumber the women. And even the unattractive women in those places seem like princesses to the surplus of disgruntled chumps there. It's a really pathetic scene for the nice guy.
But in Russia, the deck is stacked in the average man's favor rather than against him like in the US. The surplus of available women is another factor in why Russian women are friendly and approachable.
In fact, a Russian woman I corresponded with named Natasha wrote this below in response to my question of why she was seeking a foreign mate.
"Why do you seek foreign relations?”
“Because its very difficult to find someone special in my city. I live in a small city, we have a lot of girls, but not many boys. Some of boys doesn't want to have serious relationship, they want to have girl for one night, you understand what i mean. Some of them like to have fun and not care about future, some of them marryed and some of them prefer to drink to much. That is why i'm trying to find someone special abroad."
Well she has a good point there if you think about it. If the women outnumber the men, then the men will be less inclined to marry or have serious relationships because they are able to play around and have multiple relationships at the same time. Not that that's a good thing, but that describes the nature of many men. (However, I have to admit that unfortunately, this also means that many Western men who go to the Former Soviet Union will also be tempted to not get serious in a monogamous relationship, and instead just to play around with multiple women.)
4) Fourth, the women in Russia are naturally communicative, inclusive, curious, and intellectual. They typically have a wide variety of interests too. Therefore, they are obviously going to be naturally outgoing and communicative with me out of sheer curiosity if nothing else. This is also true of European women as well, which as we know, do not have a reputation for being desperate to leave their country. And it’s true of foreign women in general as well. This just goes to show that women everywhere CAN be friendly to strangers, open, and inclusive, without there being an ulterior motive.
5) Fifth, I can tell you from experience that overt friendliness, inclusiveness and hospitality is an integral part of Russian culture. As my friend Masha told me after my first trip to Russia:
"I don't think that Russians treated you so well only to your being a rich, Hospitality is an integral part of Russian character, and you can see it during travelling by trains when people in one compartment became good friends, spending together not much time and treating each other with their food. On my way to Izhevsk, I was in one compartment with an old woman and spent 2 days together and she told me about all her life since her childhood and when she got off the train( but earlier than I) she introduced me to all her relatives who came to meet her at the station. So, don't think that you was met good only due to your been a foreigner, rich foreigner, may be, you can't understand why they did so, and I can't explain-it's Russian character, if you'll come to Russia again and live for a while, may be then you will understand and even feel why."
Well she was right. After many months in Russia the second time, I experienced what she meant. I definitely felt the hospitality and friendliness that was an integral part of Russian culture and soul. I could sense the natural inclusive vibe of the social environment, which was much better for my mental health than the isolationism of the states. It is something that exists naturally, straight from the depths of people's souls, without agenda or motive. And it's sad that many Americans cannot fathom such a concept that's above their heads, since in our western materialistic individualistic society, actions almost always have motives and agendas. That says sad things about what our society, though economically prosperous, has become. Our mistaken mentality is that just because we tend to be agenda-driven, does not mean other people are too.
6) Sixth, Russian women come from a different economic/social system than ours, which give them a different mentality and social attitude than us. Our country is based on a strong capitalistic system that is Darwinistic in nature and fosters individualism. Competition is the basis of our culture and economy, and therefore becomes our mentality as well. This means that people either have money, or they are striving to be better than everyone else. This competitive mentality eventually leads us to become more "stuck up" toward others than we would otherwise be. We evaluate others in terms of their worth, and compare ourselves to them. This creates a rivalry mentality that leads fellow human beings in our country to see each other as opponents or adversaries. And sadly enough, having a lot of money and material possessions changes your attitude toward others, making you more spoiled and "stuck up".
On the other hand, countries like Russia are accustomed to a more socialistic system that is less individualistic and competitive in nature. Therefore, people's mentality and attitude are going to be different obviously. In poor countries, people don't have as much money and material possessions, so therefore they are not so spoiled and "stuck up" as people in capitalist countries. What they lack in material assets, they make up for in personality and soulfulness. It's a simple trade-off here. In the US, it's vice versa of course. Therefore, it is not realistic to expect them to be the same as us (and thank goodness for that). And that's one reason why people in general in Russia are more open and friendly. Therefore, the major factor in why Russian women are so much friendlier and open has to do with the economic/social system they live under and the mentality it produces, and not because they are desperate to leave their country.
7) Seventh, women in Russia have a natural admiration for men, as long as they are good, decent, kind, and have good character. They do not have the deep rooted hatred for men that American women have who were brought up with by their mothers, peers, and feminist media. Any sane man would obviously prefer to be around the former than the latter, since obviously the former brings out the best in men while the latter brings out the worst in them.
Nowadays in America many women seem to have a deep-rooted subconscious hatred of men. Even if they like a man at first, they seem to look for excuses or ways to hate him later, even going so far as fabricating reasons or manipulating facts. First they bring out the WORST in them, and then use that AGAINST them as well, justifying their hatred of men, and making it a no-win situation for the man! Not all are like this of course, but many are. It seems like some kind of psychosis or control drama that has become a disturbing pattern. Every man's nightmare is seeing his woman whom he thought loved him, suddenly becoming cold, cruel, and flaky. It's a creepy and shocking experience.
In addition, nowadays American women don't even NEED men anymore, so they treat them as expendable and unnecessary. They have all the advantages in our society now - money, career, the legal system on their side, the ability to get jobs with their looks rather than qualifications, etc. and they simply don't need (or even like) men anymore. That's the growing trend, and with their goddess mentality, they demand that men be submissive, lest they be seen as creeps or chauvinistic pigs.
In fact, all the foreign people I've met in my travels seem to either have a negative opinion of American women, or else they've heard nothing but negative things about them. Now, do you think that's a pure coincidence? Do you think that's due to no fault of American women? Do you think this international reputation of women in America is the result of "evil American men" (sarcastic)? lol What does common sense tell you?
8) Eighth, there are many American man/Russian woman couples who live together in Russia. I have met some of them too. You just don't hear about them because our media doesn't cover them. Now, if the Russian woman in these couples was desperate to leave their country, then why would they choose to stay in Russia? Some of the men in these couples told me that their Russian wife/girlfriend preferred to stay in Russia, and so they stayed with them.
9) Ninth, the Russian women I met who weren't trying to leave their country or seeking relations with foreign men didn't treat me any less better than those who did. They were just as warm and enthusiastic toward me, and were willing to spend time with me and get to know me. The same goes for those who didn't have a romantic interest and just wanted to be friends.
10) Tenth, if they were desperate and saw me as a ticket out of Russia, why would some dump me if they didn't think we were compatible? And why didn't I get a 100 percent response rate from the ones I wrote, if it didn't matter who wrote to them, only that he could take them out of their country?
11) Eleventh, here is another good point made on an internet article I read that I didn't consider before. It made sense and is another factor at work here, so let me quote it.
"The truth of the matter is, that the percentage of Russian women who are looking for their "soul mates" through the internet is no greater than the percentage of women from western countries such as England, Canada, Australia and the United States who are searching the Internet for their future spouse!!!!
Here is an interesting tidbit: With the population of Russia at approximately 170 million people as compared to the United State's population of more than 250 million people, why is it that you don't see as many dating agencies from other countries?
The answer, is a simple one... CHOICE!!!
Women, from the USA and most other Western Nations have choices to use or not to use the services of a dating agency. Almost all women from western countries have computers at home or at work. The Internet services in most of these countries are ridiculously low when compared with the cost of the same services in Russia.
Only a few very big Russian cities such as Moscow and St. Petersburg have Internet services that are more or less affordable for an average person. Russia is a huge country, with its eleven time zones from East To West and is just now establishing Internet services. It is only within the last three or four years that the Internet service providers have begun to take hold within Russia and the fees for their monthly services are out of reach to most Russian citizens. It is not uncommon for most Internet services to cost $100.00 or more, a month. With the average salary, for example, for a Russian doctor being around a $100.00, it is a luxury few citizens can afford. But, we are talking about a single woman or a one-parent household.
Do you think that the average American single mother could afford this kind of money for Internet services? So, this is the reason why you see so many Russian dating agencies! Russian women HAVE TO USE their service!"
12) Twelfth and finally, despite all of the above, the bottom line here is that women in Russia are VERY APPROACHABLE! That is the reality, regardless of the reasons for it. Whether they like you or not, whether they are interested or not, whether they are available or not, they are extremely approachable at least. And often, they are warm and enthusiastic toward you, even on the first meeting. They almost NEVER give you that look that American women do when you approach them that says "Who are you? If you don't know me and aren’t in my clique, you aren't supposed to be talking to me.” This means that you never feel awkward, uncomfortable, or like a creep for approaching them. And that’s because unlike the prudish puritanical USA, men are allowed to act on their desires in Russia and most countries where such behaviors are not seen as creepish/perverted or criminal. Even if she’s a model or married, she won’t get offended or defensive toward you for your interest and initiative. You feel like there's nothing to lose. And that's a BIG difference.
In contrast, in the US, when you try to approach and meet a girl you find attractive but don't know, it feels awkward and “out of bounds” as if you are crossing a boundary or violating some rule. They make you feel like you are a creep because in their minds, strangers don’t talk to each other unless it’s business-related. That awkward feeling makes it an uphill battle that really sucks and shouldn't be that way, especially when once you see that other places aren’t that way..
Also, Russian women are not only approachable to me because I am a foreigner or because they want something from me. It's how they naturally are. They are that way to Russian men too. So it's not really about me, but about THEM! They are warm and enthusiastic by nature. European and foreign women in general are like that too, even if they are from economically stable countries that don’t idealize the USA, which proves that women can be that way without having an ulterior motive. Though I try to keep them as the focus, my critics tend to prefer to focus on finding fault with me instead. How convenient.
What the critics don't understand is that it's not really about my status as an American to them, or they wanting my money or a visa to the US. They have an open direct personality that is similar to my own that I naturally click with. On the other hand, I've always found it hard to connect or click with the typical mainstream hot American airhead girl who likes to blurt "Alright!" and "Yeah!" I don't know why. It's like there's nothing there but a pretty shell, or maybe they're just too different from me.
Testing my claims from your home
You might think that in order to test my claims above, you would have to go to Russia yourself. You could do that of course, but I have a simpler way for you to do it right from home. And no, it doesn't involve looking for Russian women in your local home town either (after all, would you try to learn what black people are like in Africa from black people in America?). Rather, it involves contacting average ordinary Russian women on a pen pal site designed for friendship and cultural exchange. Remember that since this is not a marriage agency or dating site, you will almost never find scammers or conniving gold diggers on it. Therefore, the Russian women from this site are much more representative of the average typical females in their country. Here is the link:
Now select "Russia" from the countries menu and click on the "Search" button. Around 500 results will come up, comprised mostly of Russian female ads. You can write the ones you find interesting individually, or just send them all a mass form letter to save time. Many will write you back and from their letters and words, you can get a glimpse of the traits and qualities in them that I describe in this essay. But most importantly, to test my main claim here that they aren't desperate to leave their country, you can poll them or ask their opinion about moving to America. You find that you will be lucky to find even one in a hundred among them who is seeking to move permanently to America. Try it and you'll see what I mean. It will definitely show this myth to be in vain.
The people making these rash statements about Russian women being desperate to leave their country have never even been to Russia. No one who has spent extensive time there thinks that people there are desperate to leave their country. Most Russians are very proud of their country and culture, and it shows in their traditions, architecture, music, holidays, vibes, etc.
From what I've learned, the reasons why Russian women treat me better and give me much more attention are more due to the following:
1) They are NATURALLY friendlier, inclusive and more open than women in the West. As mentioned above, they lived under a different economic/societal system than ours that didn't cultivate a competitive selfish mentality in them like ours does. And as we all know, people from poorer countries are less spoiled and selfish too. They make up in personality and soulfulness what they lack in material possessions.
2) As already mentioned, women in Russia are almost always APPROACHABLE, both to foreigners and locals, whether they're interested or not and whether they’re available or not (which further debunks the myth that their friendliness is a cover for ulterior motives). One can speculate on the reasons for it, but that's the reality. But in fact, most foreign women are like this too, even the ones who are from economically prosperous countries that don’t idealize the US.
3) They are naturally curious, communicative, intellectual, and exploratory by nature. There is a free-spirited uninhibited playfulness about them which you would have to experience to know what I mean. These are common traits I've noticed in a very high proportion of Russian women I've met.
4) They have a natural admiration for men, as long as he is good, decent, kind, and with good character, rather than the deep rooted hatred for men that American women have influenced by their mothers, peers, and feminist media. Therefore, they bring out the best in a man, rather than the worst.
5) Some Russian women perceived me as rich and wealthy by their standards (even if I told them that I'm not).
6) Those that don't care about money still see me as an exotic and interesting novelty, or as a chance to practice their English with.
7) Finally, like I said earlier, there is a big surplus of attractive single women in Russia, and a shortage of good men who can treat a women right (which is inverse to the US). Therefore, a lot of nice single women who have trouble finding a good available man see me as a valuable find.
Some Russian women are friendly to me due to one of these factors, others are due to a combination of them. But as you can see above, NONE of the reasons have to do with them being desperate to leave their country.
And besides, even if Russian women only liked me because they want to leave their country (which they don't of course), so what? It would still change nothing because the bottom line is that I meet women in Russia easily and am in the game there. That’s what’s important. And as long as everything is consensual, what business is it of anyone else? To claim that I shouldn't pursue fulfillment with people who might have ulterior motives would be like telling someone not to buy something they want at Walmart because "Walmart only wants your money". I mean sure Walmart might want your money, but they are offering you something you want or need as well. It’s a barter. People have a right to pursue their needs in a consenting way. And just because what I do is unconventional doesn't mean it's wrong or bad.
A matter of personal qualification
If you still doubt this, then ask yourself this. Who is more qualified to comment on whether Russian women are desperate to leave their country, someone like me who has been to many cities in Russia, traveled around there for many months, met hundreds of people and had lots of experiences, or the egocentric American who never goes abroad, gets his/her information from the egocentric US media, and makes snap judgments about people there being desperate to leave?
You know, I hate it when people are so judgmental. It's one thing to be judgmental about something you have a lot of knowledge in, which I can respect. But when people are judgmental about something they know almost nothing about, that's ridiculous and a big turn off to me.
The reasons I elaborated on obviously prove that this ignorant myth about desperate Russian women is wrong. I have been acquainted with many Russian women, and I can tell you that the majority of them do not act desperate or project those kind of vibes. They are simply more open, modest, unspoiled, friendly, unparanoid, etc. and do not have the self-righteous and arrogant tone that many American women (and sometimes men) have.
A final warning
By the way, I should warn you though, that once you go to Russia and experience what I'm talking about, you will NEVER get used to the way women are in America again. Ever. Seriously. They will seem so masculine and monstrous in comparison to the women you experienced in Russia and Eastern Europe. Something deep inside of you will change too, and you won't be the same person afterward. You have to experience it to truly understand what I mean.
Picture this. Imagine being in an environment like Russia surrounded by women who admire men and bring out the best in you, getting used to that for many months, and then coming back home to be surrounded again by women who hate men, bringing out the worst in you. Then you'll better understand what I mean about how hard it is to get used to that.
Thanks for reading.
are 12 more reasons that my Expat Advisor added to my list above.
Posted: May 24 2004, 12:01 PM
1) There is no place like home. Even if other places have more money. Do you see Americans who desperate to leave and go and live in Luxembourg, Brunei and Kuwait or move to Switzerland because there is more money there?
2)Different language. If you cannot speak English why would you want to go to the US? Unlike in Hollywood movies where Russians speak perfect English albeit with an accent, in that country most people do not speak English and are not seriously studying it. Why should they? Who are they going to speak it to? Unless you are in a big city, you will probably never meet a foreigner in all of your life.
3)Propaganda- as most countries, especially big ones, Russia teaches its citizens that their country is the best. Other countries are potrayed as worse than Russia ( Yeah, right).
4) America is portrayed as a dangerous country with a high crime rate, drugs, homos and various perversions and depravity everywhere ( never mind that the Russian crime rate is twice as high and there is enormous alcoholism problem and that sexually Russia is freer than the US-the fact that America is still largely puritanical in so much of its culture is not even mentioned). Russia is shown as a safer, better country with highly "moral" people. ( which is pure BS, but that is how most nations indoctrinate their citizenry).
5) Leaving family behind. Would you like to leave all your relatives behind and go live 4000 miles away for the next several decades?
6)Culture. You will miss the movies, the literature, the nature and all those other things.
7) You will miss your friends. Will you easily make new ones in the new homeland?
8)Life is not so bad in Russia as it is portrayed in the West. Things are cheap and services are cheap, too. Little money can go a long way. There is a lot of freedom there, now, too.
9)America is very far away. Geographically and culturally. France , for one,is closer and people would probably be happier to go and live in France if they had the choice.
10) The mystic attachment to "Rodina"- the Motherland- Russians generally do not like to live in other countries- that is why there are so few of them outside of Russia- unlike Anglo-Saxons who do not mind going and colonizing huge continents and never truly missing England again.
11) Logistical problems- it is a big undertaking to go and move to another country.
12) General fear of the unknown.