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Critical
Observations about East Asian
Mentality and Culture
By
Winston Wu
-
A Taiwanese American Freethinker
“Judgment
is either to confuse
someone else’s unconscious behavior with who they are or to
project your own unconsciousness
onto another person and mistake that for who
they
are.”
- Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now, page 133
"When you judge
someone, all
you accomplish is to label yourself as one who judges."
-
Wayne Dyer, The
Power of Intention
"Imagination
is
more important than knowledge."
– A famous quote by Albert Einstein, contrary to the East Asian mentality that deems imagination to be impractical, idle, and worthless
"You're
probably
the most atypical Asian male I've ever met."
- What an old Scottish
traveler who's been to
nearly a hundred countries told Winston Wu.
"Most Asians don't think for themselves. They simply follow the pack. You are one of the exceptions."
“As far as you being a banana – a white man trapped in an Asian body - I would like to qualify that you are not an American white man inside an Asian body but a European Existentialist - a Frenchman,
Italian or Spaniard trapped in an Asian body. You are certainly not a modern Anglo-Saxon trapped in it.”
- Quotes about Winston from fans, readers and advisors
The repressive vibe of Taiwanese society
The basic rules of life to Taiwanese people
Their purpose in life is to work to death, literally
Severe limitations of social life
Super
control freak attitudes and
behaviors
Inverse
between Taiwanese
and Filipinos in Character and Religion
Four characteristics of typical Taiwanese people
Judgmental/Black and White Mentality
Repressive precepts of life taught from birth
Circular
reasoning within a closed loop
Condemnation
of what you don’t understand – the East Asian
way
The
double-face of Asians/Orientals: What most white people don't see
Use
of negative reinforcement conditioning
Obsessive
compulsive control nature
The
Asian parental mentality’s lack of respect for privacy
Irrational
self-sacrifice syndrome in public confrontations
Control
by guilt and fear in servitude to the gospel of exams
Suicides
caused by the gospel of exams
Non-assertiveness,
shyness, introversion
Reverse
discrimination, racism, and the idolization of whites
One
track mind toward work and routine
Asian
bosses – stingy and sadistic
Taiwanese women - the most
prudish, frigid and inhibited women I've ever met
Unparalleled
solid family values, a double edged sword
The
pros and cons of having a typical Asian wife
Why Taiwanese reject Taiwanese Americans
Four incompatibilities with Taiwanese/Chinese people:Conclusion
and recommendations for dealing with traditional Asian parents
This is perhaps the most accurate and
truthful treatise on the stiff repressed closed non-flowing stern East
Asian Mentality that you
will ever read. By "East Asian" I am specifically referring to people
from Taiwan, Hong Kong, Japan and Korea, not the more open relaxed
Filipinos, Malaysians or Indonesians. Asia is a big continent, so I
just wanted to clarify that first. No one else has the guts to say the
truth the way I do.
All the others cater to the politically correct mainstream. They say
only polite noncontroversial things about every culture, like the
Travel Channel does, such as "Oh everything was so wonderful! The
culture is amazing. The people were so friendly. The food was so good!"
Blah blah blah.
Well to the matrix controllers I say F
you. TRUTH is my passion, not the FEAR of condemnation and
ostracization I'll received for being honest and speaking the most
obvious truths. To me, a society where truth is taboo is F-ed up! Why
is truth such a taboo?
My name is Winston Wu. I am an ABC
(American Born Chinese) and a Taiwanese American who grew up in
This article critically describes the Confucian East Asian characteristics of repression, inhibition, stiffness, strictness, conservativism, solemness, workaholic lifestyle, narrow minded, rigid, insular world view, and judgmental black/white thinking. Not all foreigners and outsiders see these traits though, because of the façade Orientals put on in front of them as gentle, polite, giving, and humble people, which by the way, is not at all the face they show their own kind. But many do.
Now you might think it’s odd, immoral or even hypocritical that an Asian American would write something criticizing his own ethnical background and heritage. But you gotta understand that I grew up with a Western mindset and am a writer with a natural depth of insight and observations who tells it as it is. Being direct, straightforward and honest, I've never been into political correctness nor do I have an Asian need to "save face". To me, truth and freedom of mind are more important than "saving face" or pretending something to please others and get along with them. I do not even really identify myself with a certain race, hence there is no damage to my ego in making any critical comments about Asians. Plus I have more of a European (Spanish, Italian) soul and mentality anyway, so I am very different from normal Taiwanese people. In Europe, I have even been described as “probably the most atypical Asian male I’ve ever met” by an old well-traveled Scottish man who had been to nearly a hundred countries, after he saw how open-minded, insightful, and philosophical I was about so many subjects. See here for an exposition of 10 unique accomplishments about me.
Unlike the
typical Asian who is a workaholic, obedient, career-minded, conformist,
closed-minded,
judgmental, materialistic, rigid
thinker who is unable to think “outside the
box”, I am
the antithesis - a Renaissance man, eclectic, free-spirit,
free-thinker, philosopher, writer,
actor,
traveler, existentialist, adventurer, spiritualist, an old soul, and
lover of beauty, pleasure and women.
Unlike most Asians who simply follow the pack and don't think for themselves, I do. Whereas most of them are rigid conformists, I am a freethinker and freespirit, which sometimes makes some Asians uncomfortable around me. Also, they believe that the purpose of life is to be a virtuous workaholic, while I believe that the purpose of life is to enjoy it and live to the fullest. Thus, me and typical Asians have some intrinsic differences.
One of my website fans observed the
following about me: “Winston,
you are a White
man trapped in an Asian man's body. All the characteristics I
associate
with Asian men seem to be the opposite of you. You do not do
what society
tells you to do. You do not work hard just for the sake of
working
hard. You find White women attractive.”
And my cultural
advisor added about me being a “banana” (white man
in asian
body): “Yeah, but you are also not a
redneck type white man. You are more of a European
existentialist.”
Like passionate European males, I am a blend of traits. Though I am wild, passionate, free-spirited, sensual, romantic, and feeling, I am also intellectual, shrewd, insightful, cerebral, organized, and practical as well. Such a blend makes me more like a European or Latin than American or Asian.
Since my early days, I’ve shown a propensity to go “against the grain” and think on my own. For instance, during school, when all the other students judged their achievements by their grades (especially Asian students), I choose not to attach my self-worth to my grades and saw no logical reason to. Just because society, the school, or my parents told me to was not a good enough reason for me to believe that grades determined my status or self-worth. I had a far deeper sense of self beyond such shallowness. Thus, even when I got bad grades such as D’s and F’s, they would never really affected me. I also deviated from my parents’ Buddhist religion at an early age, becoming a born again Christian instead, unlike most people who stick with the religion of their family their whole life, never questioning it. And when I was 14, I debated my church Youth Pastor on doctrinal issues (which was difficult because though I knew my subject, he had a commanding presence while I was shy and timid, so I felt intimidated and couldn’t get my point across properly; today though, I’d cream his ass).
If you wish to know more about me and my background, see these About Me links.
Let's begin now.
Note: Since my ethnic background is Taiwanese, most of the examples given here are Taiwanese-related, though they may apply to other East Asian cultures as well, such as Japanese and Koreans. What I say here does NOT apply only to the older generation, but to the younger one as well. In fact, believe it or not, if you go to Taiwan, you will find that the elderly are far more open and easy about talking to strangers than the young people are, who are extremely stuck up and cliquish. It's a world of difference that is surprising cause you'd think that younger people would be more open, but in East Asian cultures it's the reverse.
Note: If you are reading this and happen to be one of those politically correct people who are religiously against defining or putting labels on others, then click here. Understand that observing or defining patterns in others is NOT generalizing or stereotyping. For example, if eight X’s and two O’s fall into a grid, one should have the right and freedom to call it like it is, rather than pretend that the X’s and O’s are equal or that no pattern exists, just to appease your beliefs against labeling others. I do not claim absolutes in any of my writing, and acknowledge that every general rule has exceptions.
Note: Please do not accuse me of generalizing. Over 99 percent of Taiwanese people are pure conformists and followers who strive to be ALIKE, not different. Therefore, it is logical and accurate to generalize them since they already “generalize themselves” by conforming to set societal standards.
The
repressive vibe of Taiwanese
society
Whenever I am
around Taiwanese people, I immediately notice how stiff, closed
and indirect they are. There is no eye contact at all. No one talks to
you. There is nothing open or free flowing about them at all, period.
Even a rusted bolt is less stiff than they are. Seriously. This
stiffness creates a negative repressed vibe in the Taiwanese
environment that makes me feel creepy cause I can't even be my natural
self around them. (I tend to be sensitive to energies and absorb my
environment). It makes holding a conversation with them very awkward
and difficult, even though I speak their language. It's not about
language. It's about them being on a toally DIFFERENT frequency, tempo,
wavelength and rhythm that is hard to connect with. Words can't really
describe what I mean (though I'm doing my best).
They simply have a very closed fundamental nature to the core (which explains why Taiwanese who go to America usually report the US as being "more open"). In fact, I even got the sense that having desires was not allowed in this society (yes it's that bad) and that acknowledging them in any way was akin to cussing during a church ceremony. Add to this the fact that Taiwanese girls and women act frigid, prudish, and conservative to the nth degree, and you've got a total nightmare and frozen wasteland for the horny guy who likes action and to get laid with beautiful hot women. In fact, Taiwanese women are not only the most anti-sex, anti-sensual females I've ever met, but they do not even like to touch anyone or even shake hands. The vibe they carry in their posture, demeanor and body language is extremely frigid in every way as well, more than words can describe. The fact that Taiwanese women are very prudish and frigid is one of those things that's as obvious as the blue sky but taboo to complain about or even discuss.
What's shocking is that only one hour away by plane, is the Philippines, where in Manila and Angeles City, you can experience "Sex Disneyland" where many girls are available of all types and colors for cheap prices. They are very open and direct, and easy to meet and date, like the most natural and smoothest thing in the world. So you, you got the most open girls in the world full of sensuality and eager for love, and the most closed inhibited frigid prudish anti-sex girls in the world, right next to each other with only an hour's flight between them! It's like a thin veil between two totally different dimensions.
Upon
arrival in the airport from the Philippines, I noticed
this strict uptight serious look about the Taiwanese people,
which was a total contrast
to
people in the
I even got
the impression that smiling
or saying hi to
anyone would disrupt the equilibrium of the environment. One
sales lady I
saw at the airport even had this strict look on her face that said,
“If you
talk to me about anything other than business, I’ll get
pissed, for you will be
committing a grave sin in disrupting the equilibrium of my
environment.” Ick.
No one even
makes eye contact with
you, even if you’re
attractive or good looking. And if you make eye contact with
a girl or
smile, she looks horrified as if a strict unspoken rule is
broken. Ick!
How can human beings be like this? It’s
like everyone here is in the military 24/7.
Furthermore,
I began to notice another
pattern I hadn’t
noticed before. The Taiwanese (as well as Chinese in general)
seem to
have this perpetual anger about them in the way they talk to each
other.
When you watch them interact in public, you notice a high occurrence of
this
angry tone in their voice, as if they’re always arguing, even
in casual
conversation. And often in a self-righteous tone as
well. It’s not
uncommon on the street to hear shouting matches either.
This is even
portrayed in their TV
soap operas and
political commentary shows as well. In them, the actors and
interviewed
guests also speak in this angry self-righteous tone as if they are
arguing in
every little word. And their tempers are quick to
flare. Anyone can
see this right on TV. And in fact, even in many American
movies,
Orientals are portrayed as overtly angry and strict, yelling at each
other as
part of their natural speech.
Even Oriental
movie stars have this
perpetual angry look
about them. For example, Bruce Lee had that angry look and
personality,
as well as Jet Li (in his older movies), and even the sexy Lucy Liu
displays
such traits in her expressions. Of course, there are always
exceptions to
every general rule, such as Jackie Chan.
I have been
told that Koreans are like
this too, that when
they interact with each other casually, it sounds like they are
arguing, at
least to outsiders.
The best way
I would describe it is as
an “angry strictness”
that is quick tempered. And it’s not even
about what kind of things
they are strict or anal about either. There seems to be this
inherent
fundamental strictness in their basic personality and nature.
I wonder why
this is. Being
angry all the time
certainly doesn’t fall in line with their Buddhist and Taoist
teachings and
traditions. I wonder if it’s a cultural thing that
they adopt, or perhaps
it’s inherent in Chinese genes.
Since I am of
Taiwanese descent, I too
can sense a sort of
blood boiling adrenaline within me that can make me quick tempered at
times,
though I’m definitely not always angry, but prefer to be peaceful,
and definitely not strict at all. But it’s hard to
say whether that is
due to my individual nature, family genes, or to collective racial
genes.
As someone
told me, “Most
Asians don’t think for
themselves, they simply follow the pack.
You are one of the exceptions.” Thus
I’ve noticed that a lot of
Chinese and Asian people feel uncomfortable around me, when they
realize that
I’m different from them. They are strict
conformists to society who obey
authority, and thus feel uncomfortable around freethinkers or freespirits who think on their
own outside the box. Probably
they fear what I stand for, as it is
outside their safety comfort zone of conformity and thinking inside the
box. As a result, they have no idea what to do with me or how
to make
sense out of me, so they often resort to just avoiding me altogether. (except for my relatives and
extended family of course)
Likewise,
their “angry
strictness”, uptight nature, and
narrow insular mentality make me feel uncomfortable as well.
Whereas they
are strict conformists who follow the pack, I defy and challenge
conventionality. I have my own way of thinking, which I fight
for, and
that threatens their identity, it seems, maybe because they
can’t be as
assertive and independent as I am. It’s like we see
each other as
invaders of our own paradigms and reality. Basically, they
perceive me as
one who is trying to expand their mind and thinking beyond the comfort
zone of
their paradigm, while I on the other hand feel as if they are trying to
shrink
or squeeze my mind and intellect against its nature.
This happens
to be the case with my
own mother as
well. She has many of the “angry
strictness” qualities typical of Chinese
people. And when we are around each other, we both make each
other’s
blood boil. Simply put, just being “who we
are” around each other causes
friction. Recently, this seems to be a documented fact even,
as we bought
a blood pressure measuring device (I have mild hypertension that needs
to be
checked regularly) and noticed while using it that when I’m
with my mom or
interacting with her, my blood pressure seems to rise considerably than
when
I’m sitting alone doing something else.
Even though
my parents practice and
study Buddhism and
spiritual teachings, they argue over little things and raise their
temper
quickly. I wonder why they have to be that way.
Go figure.
The
basic rules of life to Taiwanese
people
To Taiwanese
people, the basic rules
of life are simply as
follows:
1) The
purpose of life is to be a virtuous workaholic, laboring long and
hard to
be secure and successful in life.
2) Even after
you become successful,
wealthy or financially
independent, you should still continue working long and hard for the
rest of
your life to remain a virtuous and noble person, or “just
because” that’s how
Chinese people like it.
3) One is
permitted to have enjoyment
and pleasure in life,
but only for brief moments. Such must be strictly limited and
controlled,
lest they destroy society and make everyone lazy and idle.
For there is
no virtue in enjoyment or pleasure, only in working hard and toiling
long hours
is there virtue. When you are too old to work hard, then you
may start
enjoying life, relaxing and traveling, somewhat, but only in an
inhibited
proper way.
4) A normal
decent person conforms to
society, obeys
authority, and “follows the pack”.
There
is a right proper way of doing everything.
If anyone deviates from it, they must be fixed, corrected,
and
controlled into doing it the right proper way.
Needless to say, I don't agree with these rules. Instead, I believe that the purpose of life is to enjoy it and do what you love, regardless of the outcome. In my book, anything else is a wasted life.
Of course,
there are some in the
Western world who share
such beliefs about the rules of life as well. They are the
strict,
conservative, conformist, socially inept, workaholic, all work and no
play,
robotic, shallow, materialistic types with no understanding or interest
in the
deeper dimensions of life, that we have all met one way or
another.
Obviously, I don’t vibe or jive with such people. The types
of people I get
along with best are artist types, freespirits,
freethinkers, intellectuals, writers, actors, travelers,
existentialists,
etc. I must say though, that one can be one of these types
while being
responsible, sensible, and practical at the same time, as I myself am
an
example.
Their
purpose in life is to work to
death, literally
Taiwanese
generally also love working
to death,
literally. Many work 7 days a week with no days off, for
their whole
life, and actually enjoy it that way. And this even includes
those who
are rich or financially independent. I can’t
understand how anyone can be
that way. But as my advisors explained, they measure
everything by their
practical worth, they do
not live for the romantic,
passionate or wild side. To them, the purpose of life is to
work hard and
long, suffering during the process, in order to be successful and make
money. There’s a certain honor and glory in being a
workaholic in their
eyes. That’s what they live and breathe.
Like many Americans, they
live to work. They don’t know how to live life any
other way. It’s
even part of their culture to constantly chant to each other
“work hard!” (“pah-biah” in
Taiwanese) as if it were
some kind of religion or mantra.
To me, that’s just insane. I've always believed that the purpose of life is to enjoy it. And if you don't, then it's a wasted life, no matter how much you attain materially. Likewise, I believe that people should do what they love most. And if they can make money doing what they love, then great. But if not, they should still continue doing it, because not doing what you really love in your heart and passion, is a wasted life in my book. In short, I'd rather be broke doing what I love, than make a good living not doing what I love. I know that some will argue that in an ideal world, everyone would be doing what they love, but the reality is that sometimes you have to do what you don't love in order to make ends meet and pay the bills. I don't agree though. Even if I have no way of doing what I love to make ends meet, there are always choices in life, and I'd still choose to go for broke doing what I love and reap the consequences. That's how I am. Regardless of the tangible outcome, I prefer to live according to my beliefs and integrity, rather than in fear following what society dictates.
From my
perspective, the Taiwanese populace
are like robots without independent thought. But
from their point
of view, they probably think I’m weird as well, cause
I’m not like them. What a strange
mismatch. If I were white, they’d
be less surprised that I was different than them, but being a Taiwanese
Asian,
it shocks their paradigm completely it seems.
Another thing
that I don’t
get is that since the economy of
Taiwan has boomed the past decade, greatly improving their standard of
living,
why do they still have to work so hard and suffer with little freedom
or
enjoyment outside of that. Well one answer is of course, that
like
Americans, they “live to work” so no matter how
well off they are, their
purpose of life is still to work hard, even if they’re
already rich, for the
glory and honor of its own sake. But it can be argued that
they wouldn’t
have become a rich country if it wasn’t for their workaholic
busy-bee lifestyle
and mentality in the first place.
One of my
advisors explained that
Perhaps
it’s all a matter of
perspective, depending on
where you’re coming from. From a typical Taiwanese
person’s view, these things
are normal and I’m the “strange
one”. Oh well. Maybe I am.
In Taiwan,
there is this cultural
black and white thinking
that strictly dictates that there is one “right
way” (“dee-uh”
in Taiwanese) of doing things, and all other ways are “wrong
ways” (“mmm-dee-uh”
in Taiwanese). It is subjective and
singular-minded. In their belief system, everything,
especially people,
must be strictly controlled and regulated through “proper
ways” of behaving and
conduct. Any deviation from these “proper,
right” ways must be quickly
“corrected” (“gai”
in Taiwanese) or else all chaos
will erupt (you gotta
remember they live in fear, not
confidence or optimism, and thus tend to use “negative
reinforcement” to
control their children).
For example,
there is a proper time to
go to bed (9pm to
10pm usually) and get up (early morning), even on Friday and Saturday
nights. There is a proper time to eat meals (and you gotta
eat quickly, this isn’t
Severe
limitations of social life
And of
course, there is a proper way
to meet people, make
friends, or get acquainted with the opposite sex, and that is by
introductions
through mutual connections. Not only are most Taiwanese
people too shy to
talk to strangers, but they are taught that it is improper, indecent,
and
“wrong” as well. The only ones who tend
to talk to strangers freely are
old people and little children.
Thus, it is
very hard to meet people
or get dates
there. The social environment does not flow freely at all,
unlike many
European, Latin, or African countries. Having to depend on
introductions
through others is very limiting indeed, but alas, it is the
“proper” way to do
things, and most Taiwanese and Orientals in general are afraid to
deviate from
it (you gotta remember,
most of them prefer to
“follow the pack” rather than think or do things
their own way).
So, similar
to Anglo-Saxon dominated
countries (America,
Canada), in Oriental countries (Chinese, Japanese, Koreans mostly) it
takes
time, effort, and luck to meet people by developing connections through
the
proper channels first, which is usually through school, work or mutual
friends. That means little of it is really in your
control. You gotta
mostly wait and hope you get lucky. After all,
you can’t just meet people in public or talk to strangers
while you’re going
out and doing something, for to do so would make you appear rude,
inappropriate, and even “freakish”.
Unfortunately,
those who are seeking
dates or an intimate
relationship are in the worst position, for their romantic choices are
strictly
limited within their schools, work environments, and social
cliques. Thus
the millions of other potential partners they could be matched with out
there, are simply closed
off to them and off-limits.
It’s very sad and depressing, if you ask me, but
that’s how it is. (Thank
God though, that the internet now offers them a way to meet people that
they
otherwise wouldn’t have been able to meet through these
traditional channels,
otherwise their situation would be hopeless unless they had the right
connections)
And since it’s
improper conduct to
talk to strangers in Oriental societies, or to even look at them, it
makes it
damn near impossible to “pick up” girls that you
find attractive. (which
in the
Simply put,
in Anglo-Saxon and
Oriental dominated
countries, social interactions and relationships are usually strictly
limited
within one’s work environment, school, or social
clique. Suffice to say though,
it’s even worse in
Generally,
the Asian countries where
people are much more
comfortable and relaxed talking to strangers and are more approachable
and less
shy, are Philippines, Thailand, Vietnam, and Cambodia. But
even in these
countries, most people tend to “follow the pack”
rather than think for
themselves. In regions like
Super
control freak attitudes and
behaviors
Now back to
the Oriental control
nature discussed
earlier. If you deviate from their strict notions of the
proper and right
way of doing things, even in little things, many Taiwanese people,
including
non-family members, will be quick to try to correct you and fix you, as
if it
were their second nature. And they do it in a preachy
righteous
tone (which annoys me). In fact, controlling and correcting
others is
in their instinct, as if they live and breathe it. You can
never take it
out of most of them, not even by reasoning with them, showing them the
folly or
illogical nature of their ways, or by “correcting”
them. You see, they aren’t
this way because they choose to be or because it’s logical or
necessary.
It’s simply “the way” they’ve
always done things and not to be
questioned. They aren’t a freethinking society, but
rather a “follow the
right way” society.
Even in the
This
obsessive controlling/correcting
nature is strongest
in the relationship between parents and their offspring. (which
outsiders don’t always get to see, for many families hide
their control freak
nature from outsiders in an attempt to save face) Parents are
constantly
controlling and correcting their children over every little thing
without
end. One of the most common warnings they utter to them in
Chinese is “Ni
jze yan tzu,
wo
As another
example, my dad’s
younger brother and some of his
close friends whom I call “Uncles” were strict
controlling Asian parents who
used anger, shouting, threats and fear to manage their children. To
Western
styles, their approach seems abusive, cruel, and excessive. But in
Taiwanese
families, such a parenting style is actually quite normal, standard,
and even
expected. They do it all in the name of “it’s for
their own good”. What I
gather is that in these parents’ minds, there is this fear
that if their children are not sternly and tightly controlled, then
chaos will
erupt and the whole family will go down the drain. So in their minds,
they are
doing what’s right. Thus, the parents and the children both
live in fear.
One harmful
effect of all this is that
it contributes to
their vulnerable insecure state of constantly living in fear of
criticism. Rather than empowering them with self-confidence
or
self-worth, it weakens their ego and worth by subjecting them to
excessive
control, negative reinforcement, and fear tactics. In
addition, they also
tend to have this annoying habit of talking to you like you
don’t know
anything, even when they have no idea what you really know.
Thus it’s no
wonder that Orientals tend to be shy, timid, introverted, and
non-assertive. They also almost never brag, unless they are
Americanized
of course.
As a result,
Taiwanese children tend
to pass on such strict
controlling ways to their own children of the next generation, and the
cycle
repeats. One of the ways to break it is, of course, by
becoming a freespirit
and freethinker like me who can think outside of
the box and choose his/her own path and behavior rather than following
that of
society like a robot. But of course, those Taiwanese who dare
to be
different will risk alienation from many of their ethnic kind, and find
that
many Asian cliques will exclude them and/or avoid them. For
to them,
following the pack is normal whereas thinking on your own, if it
deviates from
the norm, is seen as freakish, dangerous, unstable, outside their
comfort zone,
and thus makes them feel uncomfortable.
What Taiwanese people (as well as many Orientals and Americans) don’t understand is that you can’t change people by merely “correcting” or “fixing” them with a lecture about what they “should or ought” to do. Change comes from within, and you can’t change someone unless THEY want to be changed.
And besides, change itself is complicated. Some things about you can be changed, while others can’t. Sometimes, the change is only temporary, lasting for days, weeks, or even months, before you revert back to your behavior prior to the change. But even real change often occurs gradually, not instantaneously (as the result of some dumb lecture).
But alas, Taiwanese ways assume that you are a conformist by nature rather than an independent thinker, and that thus you can be “corrected” into conforming to their ways. Thus they assume that you can be changed by a simple lecture from them telling you what you should do. Yeah right. Perhaps it is these folks that need to be “corrected” by being given some wisdom about the folly of their control freak nature, and the ability to see things from more than one angle so that their mind can be expanded.
Of course, all of us, including me, are sometimes prone to such erroneous assumptions, as I myself may be flawed in thinking that this article will change the behavior of any control freak Taiwanese/Orientals.
Even
in the
- At a dinner party in a Taiwanese man’s home, while we were eating good vegetarian food, our host suddenly pointed to me and told me to eat the proper way with spoon and fork together rather than just a fork, even though I was doing fine with only a fork. Now, such an action about a trivial matter was totally out of context in a carefree lax happy-go-lucky Filipino society, and totally out of the norm, especially since it is a Filipino custom in homes to eat with bare hands. But it was the Taiwanese mentality to correct even such miniscule things, even though he was a very nice man. Afterward, all the other Filipino guests at the table followed suit and used both fork and spoon as well, since we were all in his home. I don’t know why he chose to correct only me though, probably because I’m Taiwanese too, so he felt more comfortable doing that to me.
- One time, while my girlfriend and I were at a hotel swimming pool during my parents’ visit, we met this really cute little boy only a few years old. My girl took a fancy to him and so while I was taking pictures, she got next to him to have her picture taken with him. While my camera was charging its flash, the boy’s mom suddenly came and took her kid away briskly. Afterward, I was puzzled and said, “That mom was not Filipino was she?” My girlfriend said that she was Japanese. “Oh no wonder,” I said, “cause a Filipino mom would never have a problem with a stranger wanting to take pictures with her kids. Only a Japanese or Oriental would be so strict and paranoid about it.” She nodded in agreement.
Inverse
between Taiwanese and Filipinos in Character and Religion
Here is one odd inverse that I’ve observed between Taiwanese and Filipinos with regard to their character and religion. Although Buddhism is part of Chinese culture and tradition, the Taiwanese mainstream personality is far more Christian-like with its black and white views and judgmental attitude. Their “one way is the right way” mentality is more compatible with Christian thinking, as well as their overly righteous tone and speaking manner. Very few of them are nonjudgmental. Furthermore, their negative reinforcement tactics of controlling others through fear is also more similar to the classic Christian system of keeping its followers in fear of punishment and damnation from God.
On
the other hand, Catholicism is deeply ingrained in Filipino
culture to
the point where over 90 percent of Filipinos claim to be Catholic, but
their character seems more Buddhist than Christian.
They are generally
very nonjudgmental to
the point where even misfits and weirdos
from other
countries feel like they fit in with them.
And they are very tolerant of differences in expressiveness or
lifestyles, and do not see one way as the
only right way. In
addition, they
are very lax, carefree, slow to anger, not overly serious, and do not
get riled
up over little things that go wrong.
As
an example, amazingly the drivers in
Four
characteristics of typical
Taiwanese people
Taiwanese and
Orientals in general
seem to be an odd blend
of traits. Though they are generally kind, loyal, helpful,
considerate
(often over-considerate), generous to friends/family, modest, humble
and
moralistic, they typically exhibit the following four unpleasant
characteristics in their pattern of behavior. They are:
Judgmental/Black and White Mentality – They are quick to judge and jump to conclusions, even about things they aren’t qualified in and know nothing about, especially about people who are different than them. It’s no surprise that they aren’t comfortable with people who are different. They fear the unknown, whereas an intellectual exploratory soul and philosopher/existentialist like me is curious and fascinated by the unknown. Rather than listen and ponder a situation they don’t understand, they prefer to judge and lecture others, often in an overly righteous tone reminiscent of Christian fundamentalist preachers. Like I said, it’s difficult to reason with those who have a black and white mentality. The only exception to this that I’ve seen are the Taiwanese Buddhist monks, who are somewhat more open minded, more non-judgmental and able to listen to other’s point of view, due to their non-materialistic lifestyle and meditation practices which help control their minds and detach from illusion.
Angry/quick
tempered –
Their voice sounds like they are perpetually angry. And no,
that’s not
just “how they talk” as some try to excuse
it. It reflects a deeper
nature/habit of theirs, which is evident by how quick tempered and
excited they
get over little things. Their blood definitely boils fast, in
general
that is. It’s not uncommon to hear shouting matches
in public places
either. Even if you’ve never been to Oriental
countries, you can see it
in their TV shows and political talk discussions.
Strict/Uptight – They
are very strict, perfectionistic,
anal-retentive, and
militarialistic in
living and pushing upon others
their black and white view of what’s right and proper, even
in little things,
which they follow religiously and expect others to follow as
well.
There’s no relative perspective or “a matter of
opinion” to them. To
them, the proper right way is an objective fact, not a subjective area
that is
relative to opinion. Even if their “proper and
right” way is illogical or
inappropriate for the situation, or unnecessary, it’s all
they know and so they
will still follow it simply because “it’s the
way”. You see, to them, a
good admirable person does not think for himself or question things,
he follows and behaves the “right proper” way.
Controlling/Correcting
– They have this obsessive propensity to control and correct
others, even those
who are non-family members. It’s almost like their
second nature.
Particularly among the older generation, Chinese tend to speak
with this preachy overly righteous tone that turns me off.
They seem to have no respect for your opinions, nor do they
try
to see
your
side. And they often point out faults in a
preachy
condescending manner, using fear and negative reinforcement. They
will do this even
over trivial things that don’t matter. My mom has
yelled at me for things
like eating certain fruits with my hands rather than fork, asking a
Taiwanese
doctor if he speaks English, etc. with unrelenting anger.
What’s ironic
is that she is a devout Buddhist, so when I point out to her that
Buddhism
teaches non-attachment and non-judgment, and that Buddha himself would
never
approve of being controlling and angry over little things like she
does, nor of
being so judgmental about everything, she spins it around by saying,
“Buddha
also strictly emphasized that one must do things the RIGHT
way!” (Like I said,
you can’t logically reason with their illogical black/white
behavior)
For brevity's sake, we will term these four characteristics above as JASC, and refer to them as such in the rest of this article. These JASC characteristics typical of many, if not most, Taiwanese, can make being around them a stressful experience. If only they would practice and integrate the teachings of Buddha and Lao-Tzu into their lives and mind (which ironically are already a part of their culture and history), such as non-self, non-judgment, nonattachment, being in the present moment, being the watcher of their thoughts, detaching from fear (which they live in), worry, stress, and other forms of suffering which are mere projections of their mind. Then they might overcome this vicious control freak cycle, as well as their angry emotions.
Repressive
precepts of life taught from birth
In Oriental families, children are taught from birth the following primary life precepts.
1) One’s sole purpose in life is to perform one’s duty faithfully and diligently. As a student, your duty is to study, get perfect grades, and pass exams to bring honor to yourself and family. As an adult, your duty is to work diligently and tirelessly, even living and breathing it if necessary. If you are blessed with a rich family, then your value is judged by your profession and career status; with the higher the salary determining the level of career status.
2) Nothing else in life outside of your “duties” has any real value or meaning. Beyond it, everything else is useless and idle, therefore one should not have too many other interests or distractions.
3) When you are a student, grades and test scores are the measure by which to judge your self-worth and status in society, as well as the honor you give your parents. Bad marks make you “lose face” to yourself and your family, which is a serious disgrace and sin, making your academic life a deadly serious business. And when you are an adult, your career status and salary become the basis of your value and status. Therefore, in essence, you value is determined by how well you do your “duties”.
4) Every action or activity you do in life belongs in one of two categories, “work” and “play”. If you are not doing one, then you are doing the other.
5) Nothing exists outside of conformity to the system. Obedience and conformity are the keys to prosperity and harmony in life. A person has little worth beyond how he/she performs her “duties”, whether as a student, worker, parent, or child.
6) Anything that contradicts the above is immature, irrational and silly child’s play. Mature honorable adults conform to these precepts, while those who don’t are immature, undisciplined, and lacking in development.
The
effects of these precepts
As you can see, this rigid absolutist view of life centered on “duty as the purpose of life” that Oriental children are ingrained with early on, contributes to the development of their JASC mentality. There are definite standards of the way things “ought to be”, leading to closed minded value judgments on anything that doesn’t fit in. In fact, the precepts are so ingrained, that you can usually feel it in their “vibes” as well. Though it’s debatable whether part of it is genetic or inherent, a large part of it is due to the conditioning of these precepts. These primary precepts become their basic mentality, closing their minds to all alternative ways of thinking or living, thus they and their parents become “judgmental”, “condemning” or “criticizing” toward other people and things that don’t fit into them.
As a list member of my group said:
“"People
are only interested in
school and work."
In a Confucian society people live by their social
duties. As a student, it is your duty to study. As
an adult, it is your duty to work and to support
family. And as a son it is your duty to support and
to respect your parents. An individual has little
meaning beyond these social duties.”
In addition, they are taught that nothing that doesn't have practical benefit is worthwhile, but instead, useless and idle. Therefore, imagination, creativity, abstract thinking, philosophy, romanticism, etc. is discouraged and made irrelevant, unless it aids one in their study or work (playing the piano being the exception). Also, intolerance for differences is also stressed, as well as new ideas that don’t fit into the “one’s purpose in life is to do their duty in school and work” life precept. Outside of that primary life precept, life has little or no meaning and value.
For people like me, who are open-minded and expansive, being around other Asians with JASC qualities and the mentality of these life precepts, makes me uncomfortable because their “vibe” is conflicting with mine. I feel as if they are trying to contract and restrict my expressive nature, while I am trying to expand their rigid absolutist mentality.
Needless to say, Asians who try to become actors, musicians, or live a Bohemian lifestyle draw the most heat from their parents, who have a JASC mentality that refuses to allow anything to exist outside the conservative life precepts.
Nevertheless though, these precepts have some positive benefits as well. It teaches children to prepare for their future, think long term, be practical (though overly), and pragmatic toward life. And the rigidity taught in their thinking make them excel at mathematics courses (Any Californian teacher will attest to this), business and high tech fields. In addition, the emphasis on not having too many interests and passions, has the benefit of focusing on a single specialization in life, which greatly increases their chances of being successful at their field of specialization. After all, if you focus all your energy into one field, you are much more likely to be successful in it than if you spread out your energy among different fields and interests like a Jack of all trades. But the downside of all this, of course, is that it makes them narrow-minded, rigid, with a one track mind, perhaps uninteresting to others, having few interests and things to share with others, and unable to relate to or get along with those who are different from them. They learn to feel pleasure in living a routine rut, and see nothing outside of it anyway.
Circular
reasoning within a closed loop
The thought
system of the repressive traditional Asian
mentality operates in circular reasoning within a closed
loop. It
does not seek to expand or broaden itself, but only to maintain its
insular
nature by repeating its mantras to further reinforce itself.
Any attempt
to expand it, reason with it, enlighten it with a new understanding,
give it a
new perspective, etc. is usually futile and results only in the
tightening and
reinforcement of the closed loop.
You see, the Asian paradigm does not seek to grow or understand, but to strengthen its set preconceptions in regard to order and hierarchy. It works only with what is within its closed loop system, not acknowledging anything outside of it. And that is a fundamental difference between me and them.
Contrary to the Western stereotype of Asians being into Eastern mysticism, Taoist philosophies, Buddhist practices, Yoga/Martial Arts, etc. the typical Asian mindset is actually overly shallow, materialistic, and one-dimensional. Daughters are told that a man’s riches are all that matter; men are taught that their career and wealth determine their worth; children are taught to live and breathe their school and grades or else they will be come terrible monsters; people are taught that there is only one right way to do everything, with no room for disagreement, etc. Thinking out of the box is not allowed nor even acknowledged as possible. (In fact, I’d even say that less Asians dare to think outside the box than Americans.) In fact, for the most part there is no room in the Asian paradigm for such things as – thinking outside the box, imagination, creativity, romance, soulmates, spiritual life, etc. contrary to what a Westerner might think. The esoteric and mystical groups that are popularized in the Western media are fringe practices held by a minority of Asians, and not part of the mainstream mentality at all.
Condemnation
of what you don’t understand – the East Asian
way
Unfortunately, the Oriental way of dealing with what they don’t understand in people, especially their own kind and even more so their own family, is to condemn it, claiming that it is wrong, doesn’t fit what “ought to be”, should be fixed/changed, etc. That is why I’ve often felt uncomfortable around my Taiwanese relatives, older family friends, and elders. Not only do they have this narrow absolutist mentality of how things “ought to be” and “ought not to be”, but they are not open to discussion and hearing feedback to revise their perceptions. That’s simply how it is. Although non-Oriental cultures have condemning views as well, they are not as quick, petty, and snappy about it as Orientals are.
It is unfortunate that these judgmental Orientals do not do what soulful exploratory people do, which is trying to understand those who are different than you, even if they are of your own family, by putting yourself in their shoes, asking open-ended leading questions, listening to feedback, affirming other people’s feelings, etc.
Culture
of uniformity
In
fact, some Oriental societies, such as
The Asian mentality is not logic based, nor rational or even wise, but based totally on adhering to custom and tradition, never thinking outside the box. One only does what society says he is supposed to do, thinks within the boundaries of custom/tradition, and conforms to whatever the ruling authority is. Unlike them, I am not the type of person who does something just because society or custom says so.
The
double-face of Asians/Orientals: What most white people don't see
Most white people don't see the other side of Asians and
Orientals, which is
the repressive controlling instinct and mentality that seeks to
perpetually
condemn, "fix" and correct those who are different from a set
standard of Asian culture. The reason is because Asians don't
try to
change white people, but other Asians who don't fit the mold of how
Asians are
"supposed" to be. Instead, they view whites as a foreign
species to maintain a good "face" to – bowing and smiling
gently to
feign fake politeness. They are not shown the repressive
dominating
intricacies of Asian corrective behavior. That's why Asians
of the older
generation tend to act overly polite, gentle and kind to whites, giving
them a
false impression, hiding their strict, rigid, repressive, verbally
abusive,
belittling side, which they prominently show to their own kind and
especially
to their own family.
Thus, usually
only Asians see
and know about this
condemning negative and strict feature of Asian cultures and
sub-cultures,
unless they tell their white friends about it.
For example, the standard Asian mentality is that an Asian male in
America ought
to be focusing all his energy and time toward attaining a successful
career,
and looking to date and mate with an Asian woman with qualities that
would make
a good wife. However, since
I'm a free-spirit who lives
a Bohemian lifestyle of freedom and exploration, and prefers white
women
(lacking a taste or connection with Asian women), I do not fit this
role model
Asian male standard.
Thus, other
Asians who notice this
feel an instinctual need
to attempt "fix" and condemn me for not adhering to the standard of
what an Asian male is supposed to be.
They do this by routinely
telling me what I ought to be doing, and how things
ought to be,
to try to put me back in line.
Since I prefer white girls over Asian girls, when other Asians I come into contact with find out about it (even the young ones), they will tell me that that's not how it's supposed to be, and feel the need to tell me how it should be, namely, Asian men preferring only Asian women. That gives you an example of the narrowness of the traditional Asian/Oriental mentality, which is ingrained not just in the older generation, but even in many of the younger generation as well.
It doesn't matter if I explain to them that I just don't have any connection or energy with Oriental women. They won’t take that into account, for to them, it's not about being who I am, but fixing up the ways that I'm different so that I can be a "correct Asian".
To give you another example, the traditional Asian/Oriental mentality is that all young people's lives should be totally centered around school and grades. Any other lifestyle for them is considered not "normal", frowned upon, condemned, and yes even "sinful". They will not impose or force this on white people of course, but they will on other Asians/Orientals.
It’s simply the traditional Asian way (or rather the Oriental way to be more precise; e.g. Chinese, Japanese, Korean), to fix what's different or what you don't understand, by condemning it and then trying to correct it so that it fits with their narrow and insular view of life. Now it's one thing to do that with objects, but the traditional Asian/Oriental way is to do that with people as well. To me, it's very repressive and unevolved.
Put simply, they don't believe in letting others be who they are, only in how they "should be".
And believe it or not, they even do this to other Asians they know nothing about, don’t understand, have nothing in common with even, and whose lives are none of their business! Geez Louise. How control-freakish can one get, to go to such an extreme? The pettiness and single-mindedness of such people is a real turn-off to me.
Even one of
my best friends, a
Vietnamese American girl,
constantly did this with me. It's simply part of their basic
mentality
and instinct, though some do rise above it. But it gets to
the point
where I start avoiding Asian folks in general, cause
most of them simply can't accept me for who I am. They feel
the need to
"fix" me as if I'm some sort of robot whose components have
malfunctioned. (Gee, that makes me feel really appreciated
alright)
Since those with such a repressive tight-boxed insular mentality are not open to differences, I generally prefer not to deal with them, and they are left confused and scratching their head as to why I am different from them and not open to their "corrections". Hence, it is often awkward for me to be around other Asians.
For some reason, Asian elders and relatives feel the need to give you unwanted, simplistic, and obvious advice. It’s not rational, but a mere cultural quirk. Somehow, these people feel it is their duty to give you simplistic advice in line with the five precepts, and make themselves feel useful in doing so.
Such unwanted advice, though well-meaning, can have dangerous effects. If the recipient of the advice is easily influenced and follows it literally, he/she may realize that it was wrong advice from someone who does not even understand them or their life, resulting in wasted time and money. Hence, the danger of giving advice, for it may be wrong for them. That is one reason why therapists and mental health professionals do not give their patients much advice, but coping skills instead.
In
Western culture, it is rude to give unwanted and unasked advice to
others, even
if they are your relatives. But Oriental relatives and elders
do it
simply because it is “their way”, handed down from
generation to
generation. And they attempt to justify it by claiming that
it is
well-intentioned, and so never wrong. The backwardness of
Use
of negative reinforcement conditioning
Asian parents traditionally use "negative reinforcements" to control and discipline the behavior of their children. Such reinforcements include belittling, verbal abuse, criticism, condemnation, yelling, finger pointing, mean stares, instilling fear or guilt, etc. It's just their way of child rearing that was handed down from generation to generation.
They rarely, if ever, use any positive reinforcements such as praise, compliments, motivation, positive feedback, empowerment, etc. In effect, they believe in living in fear and in making others live in fear as well. Very morbid, if you ask me.
Obsessive
compulsive control nature
There seems
to be an inherent nature in Taiwanese and Oriental people to be
very petty and anal-retentive even about the smallest things.
It's like
some of them don't feel alive unless they are petty or anal about
SOMETHING. This control freak tendency is a pattern I've
noticed among my
family and relatives, and others have commented at length too. (see examples of it at the
community forum of www.modelminority.com)
To get an idea of what I mean about the extremity of traditional Asian repressiveness, imagine Pat Robertson, Jerry Faldwell, and Pat Bucanan all put together, but much more tight-assed, anal, and obsessive about little details and on top of their backwardness, and that's what I'm talking about here.
Taiwanese parents have this habit of controlling their children throughout their lives to an obsessive compulsive degree, asking them about every little thing, telling them what to do on every aspect of their lives, even those they don't know anything about or aren't qualified to judge on, checking up on and double-checking on every aspect of their lives, etc. This level of control can turn children into zombies, totally unable to do anything for themselves, and never becoming independent. But in their minds of course, they are doing a good thing out of their care and concern for their children's well being, even if it means going overboard. Therefore, to many Taiwanese parents, intentions are more important than outcomes and results. Nevertheless, this is taken to the extreme as well beyond a doubt (which you can read about at www.modelminority.com in the community forum).
To give you a great example of what I mean, here is an account from a Korean American who describes in detail the obsessive compulsive over-controlling condescending nature of her mom.
”Hi!
Great to hear
back from you...
Well..shes done a lot of
the things you mentioned on the site...
She tells us(3
daughters) how to eat..and
what to eat for example if we're all sitting together for a
meal...example:
"Don't eat that alone-you have to eat it with rice."
She has never
apologized in her life..
She believes
that anyone that's
younger than her doesn't know better than her and also doesn't deserve
respect
from her since she's the older person...
She feels that
if you voice your
opinion then you're being disrespectful..
She also feels
that if you disagree
with what she's saying-it doesn't matter-you're supposed to just sit
there and
"accept" it and not say anything back..
She feels that
Koreans are superior
to any other race..example:
"Oh those cells phones came out in
She feels that
women should find a
rich man and be with him solely for that reason..
She thinks
money is the most
important thing in life...
She also thinks
that the mold of
going to school and studying is all there is to do as a young person..
She thinks that
being a doctor or
lawyer are the only two professions that anyone should try to
pursue...example:
I'm about to finish my Bachelors degree after transferring to two
different
universities--after declaring my major was Pre-Med-because that's what
she
'told' me to major in..
Growing up-my
older sister and I
would get in trouble for bringing a "B" home and were not allowed to
go out with boys or even go out with friends on weekends..
I had moved
back into my parents'
house about two years ago to try and save money to buy a place when I
got
closer to finishing school...my mother also assured me that they would
remodel
their full basement so I could live down there-this still hasn't been
done to
this day..
The other night..a
Saturday..(keep in mind
I'll be 28 next month and work full time and go to school full time at
night
and basically handle all my business without giving my parents any
burden..) I
was out on a date-I rarely go out--maybe-one night per week with all my
other responsibilities..she
called my
cell phone numerous times and was leaving me messages like "That's
enough-it's late and you need sleep." It was so embarassing
to have my date wonder who in the world was calling me so persistently.
Anyhow-I got
home and that's when we
had our blowout--I basically told her to stop calling me every single
time I go
out and quit worrying about me since I was almost 30 years
old. She
yelled back and said "I'll call you 100 times if I want-you can't tell
me
what to do etc etc"
So after that I
was completely fed
up with her trying to force me to be her robot/puppet and decided it
was time
to move out. So I'm signing another apartment lease this week
so I can
move in this weekend and get my sanity back.
There are a lot
of other issues too
like my younger sister(20)
who doesnt
work and barely passes her college general education classes.
But my
mother lets her go out and do whatever she wants-even still buys her
clothes at
the mall--yet I'm the responsible one and I get treated like a
delinquent. So
about a few days after the blowout-note that I haven't said two words
to her or
vice versa since then--she knocks on my bedroom door and says something
along
the lines of "Get up-it's time for church" as if everything is just
fine and dandy and nothing ever happened. Another thing she
said was
"Parents fuss because they care-if they dont,
nobody will."
She expects me
to just pretend like
nothing happened and I'm supposed to just snap my fingers and act
normal with
her. Not this time. I'm fed up and removing myself
from that
mentality.
It's the most
twisted mentality ever
and I've just finally reached my limit. Until she understands
that you
can't talk to people or treat them any way you want-and being a family
member
does not justify treating people any way you want-I won't be letting
myself be
around someone that needs constant drama in their lives.
Something else
she's done is try to
give the guilt trip--when I first
moved out-she gave me the whole schpiel
about
"Oh after all we've done for you-this is the thanks we get??" She
also doesn't understand the concept of people needing to "vent." I
might go to her just to vent and relieve a little stress by talking
about some
minor problem going on at work for example. She ALWAYS
responds by
immediately having a "solution" to my "problem." It
irritates me so bad I just have to walk away before I say something
rude.
She has very poor listening skills and will blatantly interrupt you
while you
are talking because she has no conversational skills.
Sorry for the
novel-I got a little
emotional about the whole thing. I hope this helps give you a
better idea
of what I was meaning. Those are just a few of the lifelong
examples that
I've gone through.
My older sister
is 31 and my mother
still tries to control her even though she's married and living with
her
husband about 15 minutes away from my parents' house.
The younger one
is such a
delinquent-she's taken off for days with random guys and my mother has
taken
her back and justified her bad behavior with excuses. I just
can't stand
seeing the hypocrisy and biased treatment that she displays with her
children.
Thanks for
listening!
Let me know
what you think about
this craziness..
=)
As you can see, it goes far beyond healthy parental concern. Such perpetual condescending treatment and verbal abuse from repressive Asian parents can make one feel incompetent and dependent. And I would venture to say it probably contributes to Asian youngsters’ propensity of being timid and shy.
Fortunately, my parents were not that extreme, however they did exhibit facets of her description in their behavior, which are somehow deeply ingrained into the old-fashioned collective Asian psyche. But I have seen plenty of Asian parents that are like what she describes.
In my case, my mom would argue with me about how much soy sauce I put on my food, watching me nervously as I pour it on. Such issues are trivial, and even the most incompetent people are able to decide how much soy sauce to put on their meal. But as mentioned, the Asian mentality is extremely, obsessively controlling beyond reason, negative, etc. There’s almost no changing it. No matter how many times I tell her that I’m old enough to decide that trivial issue for myself, she still can’t help herself from trying to control it. Also, she considers it unethical to call and order pizza for delivery. I don’t even have to explain here why that makes no sense, yet she insists on it and strongly discourages me from doing so. In addition, my parents also meddle in personal affairs such as when I return my phone messages, something which I should be able to handle on my own without interference and judgment. Such are examples of the warped nature of the Asian mind.
It seems to be an “Asian thing” to argue about petty trivial issues.
The Asian mentality even incites its adherents to do things that are counterproductive repeatedly. For instance, my mom will even yell at me for sometimes choosing to eat with forks rather than with chopsticks. Now, since I am a highly functioning, efficient, competent, responsible adult, you’d think that she would know that I am capable of making such a trivial decision. But oh no. The Asian inclination for obsessive control and pettiness somehow drives her to try to control the most trivial things about me. It borders on insanity, sadly enough, but that’s just how it is.
And of course, any wise easy-going freespirit knows that arguing over trifling petty things is a waste of time and energy, but for some morbid reason, the Asian mentality persists on it, perhaps even feeding off it. It just won’t stop or change its ways, no matter how irrational they may be. But the Asian mentality does not seek to be rational, only to reinforce its closed loop ways. So much for the influence of Buddha, Taoism, and Eastern Mysticism on the mainstream Asian populace. After all, an obsessive need to argue over petty things is so transcendent and at one with the universe, isn’t it? lol
It’s also no wonder that a high percentage of Asian Americans have some kind of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). It’s in their upbringing, nature, and possibly genes as well. Many of them have emailed me to confess it too. Even if their ways don’t work and bring out only bad results, Taiwanese parents will simply repeat their ways regardless. It’s illogical to continue using failed tactics of course, but it’s simply the “Asian way.”
It’s odd that they do this, when their cultural and historical idols, such as Buddha and Confucius, said that nothing in extremity is any good. And there are statues and temples to Buddha and Confucius everywhere, so obviously, they are seen as cultural and historical idols, yet Taiwanese don’t practice what they preached, for they taught that nothing in extremity is any good, not even love, but the middle way is the best.
Perhaps one factor that causes this is explained by a list member of my group:
“"Parents
are control
freaks". A Confucial
society
is organized vertically. Order goes from parents to
children, government to subjects, teacher to
students, etc. In
like working together, exchanging opinions, doing
business as equals, etc. are stressed. In Confucian
societies, vertical relationships are stressed.
This also explains why white Americans should be paid
more. They are higher than ABC in a vertical scale
Taiwanese carry in their mind.”
The
Asian parental mentality’s lack of respect for privacy
Furthermore, the Asian parental mentality also has no respect for privacy. For instance, my parents become very offended if I utter the phrase “It’s not your business” while they are asking me intrusive questions or attempting to pry into areas of my life that I don’t want to share with them. In their mind, everything in my life, including my secrets and personal affairs, are “their business.” And as such, they feel compelled to interfere and cast judgments.
This puts me between a rock and a hard place though, because I know that since me and my parents hardly agree on anything, even the most trivial things, they are likely to disagree with most things I do and decide. Therefore, it’s obviously a bad idea to have them be involved in my personal affairs of course, since they will often disagree, interfere, and cast judgmental on my affairs. But on the other hand, if I protest their right to interfere, question me, and judge me, then they get offended and angry because since I am their son, and see everything in my life as “their business”. It’s simply a conflict for which there is no logical resolution. And that’s how the endless arguing and bickering in Asian families that go nowhere work.
You’d think that people have the common sense not to keep repeating the same methods that lead only to negative results and endless arguing, but not in the Asian mentality. Instead, they prefer to repeat cycles of fruitless arguing over and over. Asian mentality does not seek to change tactics when negative results occur, but prefers to rigidly stick to the same ways even if they don’t work, expecting others to change. Hence, another reason why I say that Asian mentality is very narrow and tunnel-like in its scope and nature.
Irrational
self-sacrifice syndrome in public confrontations
This one is
weird, and I'm not exactly sure how to
explain it, but I'll try my best. Though as mentioned,
Oriental families
have this overpowering need to be critical, negative and condemning
toward
their own, when it comes to the public, they suddenly are compelled to
be the
complete inverse, showing pure humility. So much humility in
fact, that
they save face by surrendering in almost any public confrontation they
encounter, preferring to concede a dispute rather than fighting it
out. There
are exceptions of course, but this is the general way. I'm
not sure why
it is, but it seems to be a form of self-sacrifice syndrome.
In fact, this carries over to my family in a weird
way. If I ever tell my
parents about ANY public feud or dispute I have with ANYONE, they have
this
weird illogical tendency to automatically actually take the other side
against
me! Believe it or not, that's what they always do.
And they do this
even when its clear that
I am in the right or have
been wronged. For instance, if a waitress misdescribes
what I ordered and doesn't compensate the mistake (something
unprofessional in
This defies almost all reason to a Western mindset, but
that's just how the
"Taiwanese way" is. As you might have guessed, such a way is
a
pet peeve to my outspoken, stubborn, persuasive nature, but it's
something I
have always had to deal with, which leaves me flabbergasted since this
Taiwanese way of perpetual surrender in all disputes goes against all
my
beliefs.
Control
by guilt and fear in servitude to the gospel of exams
In
In
One way such emotional controls are utilized was speculated on by one of my list members.
“"Most
people here are governed
by two emotions,
FEAR and GUILT." I think this is a result of both
points above. People fear (authority) because they
are ever present. Social relationships are mostly
vertical. People feel guilty that they may not be
measuring up to social roles they must fulfill. Am I
a good student? Am I a good worker? Am I a good
son? etc.”
Taiwanese
students do not study out of interest or curiosity, but out of FEAR
from parents, the school system, and society who judge their self worth
and
value by it, threatening to shame them by making them “lose
face” if they don’t
do well, hence the GUILT.
But the funny thing is that the vast majority of what they study is never used in real life, so in the big picture, it’s all for nothing, but a mere disciplinary method as well as a classification system to rank the worth of people. This academic system that determines people’s worth was developed to define the lines between social classes long ago in ancient times, and unfortunately has never changed or evolved, hence making them a backward society.
Also, another peculiarity is that because they study out of fear and guilt of duty, most Taiwanese students who study for hours every day still have little knowledge about things. And this is obvious just from conversations with them.
As the list member commented:
“"That
is why most Taiwanese
students have little
knowledge about things, even
though they study 8 - 10 hours per week."
How much of their study is motivated by social role
they are fulfilling and where they would end up in
the vertical scale of society?? How much is
motivated by curiosity and search for truth??”
But
when you have conversations with people from
Suicides
caused by the gospel of exams
Unfortunately,
this “gospel of exams” is taken to ridiculous
extremes where it can even become
a matter of life and death. In the most extreme cases, such
intense
dishonor is brought upon failing students that some even ended up
taking their
lives over it. You’ve probably heard on the news
the tragic story of this
happening frequently in
Non-assertiveness,
shyness, introversion
Assertiveness
is not a valued quality in Taiwanese and Oriental
societies. While assertiveness is encouraged and valued in
Many of the standards of politeness and impoliteness are
reversed in
In
fact, Taiwanese do not like to touch others, not even hugging their
parents,
friends, etc. For some reason, their girls are afraid to be
touched and
hypersensitive about it, and act like scared stray cats that are afraid
to be
petted. They seem to have an ultra-sensitive nervous
system. All
these things to me are examples reflecting a mentally unhealthy
society.
I’ve even heard that some married couples in
Reverse
discrimination, racism, and the idolization of whites
The idolization of “white people” in Asian cultures by their media is apparent. For instance, in Asian countries models with a Eurasian look (semi or partly Caucasian) are displayed the most prominently in commercials and city billboards. And the top movie stars and models tend to have sharper narrower Caucasian-like noses than the typical flat Asian nose.
Same goes in my ethnic country
Here is an
example of what I mean. In
Therefore,
in
Taiwanese
Americans are not treated like Americans. Instead,
they are treated
like normal Taiwanese people - mere peasants. A conflict
arises here in
that they are accustomed in
And
as a matter of fact, if you’re a minority, you are never
considered an American
in
The
culture and mentality of
Due to the
backward repressive nature of
99 percent of East Asians in general
cannot hold an intelligent conversation. They are very simple and can
only talk about simple practical things. They do not love knowledge or
wisdom, only work and money. They are pure conformists with no
independent thinking. Even among the educated East Asians, there is
still no independent thinking. Educated Asians may be more worldly and
cosmopolitan, but their knowledge is limited to pop culture and
mainstream media topics. They still do not think outside the box. And
they definitely cannot write the
kind of articles like I do here. There
seems to be a rigid singularity in their mentality
and train of thought. It's in their communication
style, words, and stiff expression. In fact, when
interacting with them, I often
feel like they
are trying to stuff my mind and thoughts into a very tight box, as if
contracting it. It feels awkward and
uncomfortable.
In my estimate, it seems that Taiwanese people and East Asians view
things from a 2 dimensional thinking
pattern. In forward
thinking and expansive societies, people use at least a 3 dimensional
thinking
pattern. And not to brag, but I tend to view things in a 3
and sometimes
4 dimensional thinking pattern (demonstrable
by the many articles and
expositions on my
site).
Therefore, it is very difficult and awkward for me to connect with East
Asians
on a mental level. When you try to explain variations or
different
angles to them, it seems to be over their head and makes you feel like
you are
overanalyzing or talking about things that aren't there to them.
It feels like trying to explain algebra
to a
dog. What's odd is that they actually EXPECT me to be like them
and are confused as to why I am not as narrow and simple as them.
People in
As an example
of their
oversimplification, anti-intellectualism
and one dimensional view of life, in
The thing is,
most of the things I do
(such as writing this
article) don’t fit into either of those two categories, so I
have a hard time
explaining myself and what I do in my life, to such types of Taiwanese
people,
even though I speak near fluent Taiwanese.
One
track mind toward work and routine
Another big
difference between me and mainstream Taiwanese people is that I
love ADVENTURE while they love ROUTINE and live for it. Many
Taiwanese
people are happy to work 7 days a week, often in a little shop right in
front
of their home (which is often part of their home itself) never going
anywhere,
even in their own country. That kind of rut in life makes
them
comfortable, safe, and happy. Well obviously I can't connect
with them in
that area, knowing how I am.
Like the Americans, the Chinese and Taiwanese (as well as the Japanese and Koreans) have this belief that the primary purpose of life is to work. According to Confucian values, work is a virtue, and Oriental societies have taken that to heart to the extent that they live and breathe it. Therefore, the diligent Taiwanese worker or business owner who works 7 days a week, many hours per day, is actually proud of it, feeling no resistance to it, for in their minds, they are somehow more virtuous for working more than the person who works 5 or 6 days a week. Strange mentality indeed. But that’s how so many Orientals and Asians are. Also, there is the Confucian belief that suffering is a virtue too, so to “suffer” while working is considered good for you, and hence many Chinese employers enjoy seeing their workers toil and suffer, pretty sadistic indeed.
They
don’t care that this completely prevents them from developing
themselves in
other ways, mentally, physically, spiritually, or culturally.
As ancient
wisdom goes, nothing in extreme is any good. In my view, the
purpose of
work is to earn one’s living, meeting the need for shelter
and food, so that
one has the free time to do what one wishes to do, whether its pursuing
one’s
interests, hobbies, development, or spending time with one’s
family. However,
too many Taiwanese and Orientals take it way beyond that, so that
nothing else
in life exists for them other than working. Perhaps they were
conditioned
to think this way by what the ancient feudal lords in
Unfortunately, many Taiwanese and Orientals do not have any interests or passions outside of work and school. In fact, they consider it odd and improper to have interests outside of school and work. A few hobbies to relax yourself is ok, as well as physical activities to keep you in shape, but intellectual interests and passions are frowned upon. People are expected to conform to their duties and work hard, not think critically or in unconventional ways. They believe that interests outside of work and school detract from the real function of life, which is to duty to work, school, and family. Of course, the tradeoff for them is the benefit of specialization, for if you only focus on one thing and put your energy toward it, you are much more likely to succeed and excel at it. That much is true, and it's partly why Japanese companies are so successful. Therefore, this single mindedness approach does have its benefits. But it creates people that I just don't relate to, aren't attracted to, don't admire, don't want to emulate, and don't find interesting.
Examples
of extremities
Many
Asians in the
Some of the more extreme bunch also believes that having free time is a
sin or
bad thing, contrary to Western mindsets. In fact, there is a
common
phrase in Taiwanese language used to describe someone who meddles in
other
people's business, and it goes like this "He/She has already eaten and
has
too much time on his/her hands” which in Taiwanese is
“Ja
ba schoo
yin”. This
implies
and reflects the mentality that having free time to do the things you
want is a
bad thing; very odd indeed. No wonder why their potential is
so limited,
with most never evolving around robots with singularity of
thought. If
you condemn having free time, then you condemn the
individual’s ability to
evolve, grow, and expand in his/her own way.
These things above are ludicrous and distasteful, as well as bizarre. Not only are they bizarre, but they are uninteresting and unattractive as well. Now I have no problem with things that are bizarre or weird, as long as they are interesting, such as ghosts or UFO's. But when something is bizarre, as well as uninteresting and distasteful, then it is pointless as there is no reason to try to understand or meld with it. And again, it’s ironic that the extremity of all this goes contrary to ancient wisdom and Buddhist teachings that moderation, not extremity, is the key to a harmonious life.
Asian
bosses – stingy and sadistic
If you’re going to be working for an Asian boss or employer who harbors any degree of traditional Asian mentality, watch out! And try to find an alternative. Asian bosses are well known for being VERY frugal and stingy when it comes to paying their employees and workers, or spending money on anything at all. They often try to pay you as little as possible, and are notorious for trying to weasel their way out of paying you at all, even if you’ve done your job. And they like seeking loopholes to use against you to deny you your pay, and you never know when they will do that.
Ask
those who have extensive experience teaching English in countries such
as
Furthermore, they tend to have a sadistic desire to make their workers suffer, and love to overwork them too. They see such suffering as a virtue attached to glory and honor, as if work is not worthwhile unless one suffers, which is pretty sadistic and masochistic if you ask me. And they also feel that one’s duty should be to work hard for the mere sake of working hard, even if little reward or benefit is involved. In their insular mentality, the ideal person lives and breathes their work, and if they don’t, then they are seen as idle and disloyal. It’s the Asian way and mentality, very repressive, backward, unintellectual and sadistic as well. And unfortunately, this sadistic desire to see suffering in workers applies even to those they give measly pay to.
Taiwanese women - the
most prudish, frigid and inhibited females I've ever met
One explanation by one of my readers went as follows.
“"
repressed society." Honest intellectual inquiry or
focus on sexual pleasure would endanger social harmony
and order so important to
controlled carefully.”
Unparalleled
solid family values, a double edged sword
Taiwanese
and oriental family values are perhaps unparalleled in the world in
terms of
their stability, loyalty and solidarity. Divorce among
oriental couples
is extremely rare, perhaps the rarest in the world (much lower than
white
couples for sure). Parents are always there for their
children, and stay
together through thick and thin. Somehow, perhaps because of
their
silent, passive, non-expressive nature and lack of personality,
personality
conflicts rarely arise in Oriental couples. They seem to have
such a
dedication and commitment to each other that supercedes
any self-interests, personality clashes, or chemistry issues between
them. And children tend to take care of their parents as
well, even into
their adulthood. It is not uncommon in many
Oriental countries for
children to live with their parents throughout their lives, even
opening up a
business under their home on the street for all to manage, which is
extremely
common in cities and towns in
However, this can also be a double edged sword because there is a downside to this. If families are this solid and unbreakable, it also means that the children feel a sense of obligation and duty to always live near their families, preventing them from moving away to a place more suited to them with better opportunities. Thus, their potential is severely limited, out of a sense of guilt and obligation toward their parents, who will instill them with this too. Unlike Western cultures which emphasize the needs and potentials of the individual, Asian cultures tend to prioritize the needs of the family and society over the individual, hence the self-sacrificing nature of many Orientals.
This
is a big problem in countries like
The
pros and cons of having a typical Asian wife
One well
traveled person who had been to over a hundred countries, the same one
who said I was probably the most atypical Asian male he’s
ever met, told me
that in his experience and observation, Asian women tend to make very
good
wives and have superb domestic skills. But if you want to
discuss
philosophy or have intellectual conversations with them, forget it, for
they
are very duty-oriented and rigid. I told him that was my
observation as
well. Therefore, that is the pro and con of having a typical
good Asian
wife. And of course, whether that is good or not depends on
your
standards and expectations.
One guy who had Taiwanese girlfriends before remarked:
“I had two
taiwanese
girlfriends in the
past, but we
broke up, as i found
that they didn't express
themselves and rarely
initiated any interesting conversation. Reading
wonder if, even if i
had met a nice girl, i
would be faced with all the
JASC problems u raised. I like filipinos,
but as u know they do have a
reputation for wanting to immigrate, and i
don't meet
any young ones
here.”
Why
Taiwanese reject Taiwanese Americans
Taiwanese people generally see two categories of people, Taiwanese and
foreigners. But Taiwanese Americans who grew up in
As a result, since Taiwanese people
tend to be closed minded
and do not seek to understand others, they do not know what to do with
people
who don't fit into their categories, and so usually just forget about
them or
humor them, unless of course, they are blood relatives of these
Taiwanese
Americans, in which case they will feel obligated to treat them like
family.
Generally, Taiwanese women
like only two types of
men. The typical traditional type likes traditional typical
Taiwanese
men. But the newer generation types who idolize Western
culture and life
though, like WHITE American males. Taiwanese American males
are neither
of course. So, they neither see them as typical
Taiwanese (due to
their mentality, language, and culture, being completely different from
theirs)
nor as American because they're not white. Hence, they are
a freak
that doesn’t fit into their categories.
I have noticed though, that the type
of white guys that
Asian women tend to marry tend to also be closed minded, conservative,
or shy
themselves as well. Hence, like attracts like, or complements
each other
in the right ways, producing a workable synergy.
Four
incompatibilities with Taiwanese/Chinese people:
I
am a very unique blend in that I am a Taiwanese American with a
European/Latin mentality and soul. However, those who stereotype
automatically
assume that as a Taiwanese American, I will have Taiwanese traits. So
to them
and others who are interested, I present this summary of key
differences
between my traits and those of typical Taiwanese and Chinese people.
Although Taiwanese/Chinese people are
usually very kind,
possess a rigid sense of morality and conscience, and have rock solid
family
values, I have many incompatibilities with them in the areas of mind,
soul,
values, beliefs and lifestyle. Here are some of the key ones.
1. Taiwanese/Chinese people are
natural followers and
conformists in both mind and lifestyle. They see obeying society and
authority
as the only possible path in life without alternatives. Thus, they are
only
comfortable by "following the pack". Rather than thinking for
themselves or thinking outside the box, they think as they are
"supposed" to think. They do not "dare to be different".
Therefore, if you are too different
from them, they don't
know what to do with you and often just ignore you. You see,
Taiwanese/Chinese
people lack any interest in trying to comprehend those who are
different from
them. Probably, this is because they are not curious intellectuals, but
are
workaholics and followers driven by duty who live to conform. Thus,
they do not
relish being unique or different, nor are they interested in
understanding
those who are. Instead, they have a tunnel vision mentality in which
life is
all about "following" rather than thinking for yourself or creating
something. In addition, they are very strict and serious about their
ways.
On the other hand, as a freethinker
and freespirit, I like
to think for myself, even if it goes against conventional lines. And I
relish
being unique and different. I am not afraid to go against the majority
or crowd
if I feel I am right. To me, truth and free expression are the most
important
ideals, not conformity. Rather than being limited to a one-dimensional
practical mindset, I have a multi-faceted perspective that incorporates
both
practicality and imagination/creativity. Being naturally inquisitive, I
seek to
understand different people and what they are about. And as a writer, I
am
constantly thinking, musing and asking questions.
2. Taiwanese/Chinese are workaholics
with few other
interests in life. Almost every Taiwanese person has a strong desire to
be a
workaholic. In
fact, this desire is so
deeply ingrained into the Taiwanese culture and soul that if you don't
have it,
they think there is something wrong with you or that you are some kind
of
freak.
Like the American/Anglo-Saxons
mindset, they "live to
work" and usually work 6 or 7 days a week, having few or no other
interests. Even when they are rich enough to retire and not work
anymore, many
of them still want to continue working because they get bored to death
and feel
empty if they don't. They wouldn't know what else to do, sadly. Like
corporate
As for me, I have more of a European
or Latin mentality and
soul toward life. For instance, I do not measure my life in terms of
career
progress, but by the variety of rich experiences I've had. I am an
eclectic and
Renaissance type of man who lives for intellectual and artistic
pursuits. And I
am deeply philosophical, inquisitive, and existentialist in nature.
Also, I
am wild, passionate
and romantic, yet
cultured, artistic and intellectual at the same time (a rare
combination of
traits for a Taiwanese or American, but not for a European or Latin).
Thus, I am
more like an Italian, Frenchman or Spaniard than a Taiwanese or
American.
So, to the typical Taiwanese person
who gives me a puzzled
look when they find out that I don't have a desire to be a workaholic,
I say
this, "Sorry buddy, I respect you and all, but we are different
creatures
driven by different things."
3. Taiwanese/Chinese people, like
most Americans, tend not
to talk to strangers unless it's business related or on an "as
needed" basis. They only meet new people through mutual friends and
socialize only within their own clique. This is especially the case
with young
women. As a result, the average Taiwanese/Chinese person's dating
choices and
social circle is severely limited to the few in their clique, closed
off from
the rest of the world's population.
Outside one's clique, other people are like an "off limits
zone" to them, similar to how it is in the
Well I don't like countries like
that. I like meeting
quality people and beautiful women. So I am happier in countries where
general
people are open and sociable (not just kids and old people like in
Thus, only those that get in early
have opportunities to
meet others or get acquainted with nice available women. Or those that
have the
"right" connections, which only a few will have of course. But even
if you do have good connections, the number of people you can meet will
still
be miniscule compared to those you can meet in countries with open
free-flowing
inclusive social cultures.
4. Taiwanese/Chinese people and
society tend to be extremely
"square", prudish, inhibited, conservative, tight, strict, proper,
serious, submissive, and hung up about sex. (Thus, they would be
suitable
candidates for conversion to Protestant Christian religious sects,
which
idealize and emphasize such traits.)
As a result, they tend not to be very
fun to hang around, as
they never really "let loose", but are constantly obsessed with work
and duty 24/7. After all, people who are too "square" are not much
fun. Also, Taiwanese parents tend to be control freaks and worry-worts
who try
to create co-dependency in their children.
In
It's no wonder then, that on internet
forums for those
seeking sex, such the one on WorldSexGuide.com, many have said that
In my experience, Taiwanese women who
are wild, uninhibited
and horny are like UFO's and Bigfoot. Sure, I HEAR stories ABOUT them,
but I
never SEE or EXPERIENCE them! And everyone who claims to know some that
I've
asked to show them to me has FAILED to do so or come up with some
excuse.
Whatever. Thus, I conclude that if they exist they must be extremely
rare, and
certainly not easily available to the average guy. Most Taiwanese
people I've
known tend to marry their first or second partner, so not many have had
many
partners. The society is way too square for "sexual exploration".
In contrast though, in the
neighboring Asian countries of
As a freespirit/freethinker, I feel
suffocated by all this.
I love action, adventure, fantasy, imagination, fun, desires, sex and
fast
women, none of which are encouraged in a pragmatic Taiwanese society
nor flows
naturally in it. Instead, everything feels repressed and subdued. In
In short, I would have to say that
like
Conclusion:
Thank you for reading. I believe and
hope that this
presentation sufficiently explains to those who expect me to have
Taiwanese
traits, why they are mistaken. As explained above, these
incompatibilities and
key differences between me and my fellow Taiwanese people make me feel
like an
alien among them, of a different species. They don't understand me and
I don't
understand them. The only kindred spirit I feel with them is in
language and
race, for there exists a comfort zone and level of trust between
Taiwanese
people that non-Taiwanese cannot feel, which is hard to put in words.
But in
terms of my mind and soul, no way. We couldn't be more different.
Now, it is true that most Taiwanese
people do seem to share
the traits described above, at least in my experience and that of those
who
I've talked to. But I guess every general pattern and rule has
exceptions, so I
happen to be one in this case.
So to the typical Taiwanese person
who approaches me
assuming me to be like them, I say this:
"Buddy, I respect you and all, but we
are just
different creatures driven by different things. Now, if you wish to try
to
understand me, I will help you to do so. But odds are, you won't be
interested
or you will feign interest out of politeness only. If that's the case,
then so
be it. To each his own."
Though Oriental people are often very kind and hospitable,
the reasons cited
above make me feel that their culture and country is not right for
me.
If you are an Asian American like me who feels the same way, and wondering how you can deal with your JASC minded Asian parents, here are some recommendations.
1. Give affirmation to them. This is a standard bonding technique in psychology and human relations. Basically, you restate the other person’s words and content, summarizing them in your own way, to affirm to them that you acknowledge and understand them. Do this first when you disagree with them and are about to give protest back to them. By doing so you show that you are listening to them, and thereby make them feel obligated to listen to you in return. By developing that connection first, you increase the chances of them being receptive to hearing what you have to say and why you disagree with them. Nowadays, many Oriental parents will allow you to disagree with them as long as you maintain a boundary of respect for them. And by maintaining respect, you also increase the chances that they will agree to some kind of compromise in the case of an irreconcilable disagreement. This approach is best used in conjunction with the next one, called the “Zen approach”.
2. The Zen approach. Developed by Asians ironically, this approach basically utilizes the basic Zen principle of non-resistance and going with the flow, used in martial arts as well. In Tai Chi or Judo, for example, the practitioner is taught not to exert force “against” the opponent, but rather use their own energy against them in non-resistance, going with the flow of it instead of against it. This either renders an attack harmless, neutralizes it, or even causes damage to the attacker exerting force against you. Likewise, in our case, if you argue back with a strict controlling closed-minded Asian parent, you only fuel their controlling nature even more, making the conflict worse, which in turn perpetuates you to retaliate back even stronger, creating a vicious cycle.
The Asian parent will continue this cycle an infinite number of times, even if it never works and nothing good every comes out of it, simply because they don’t know any better, for it is simply the only way they know how. Remember that you cannot convince them that you’re right using logic, reason, inspiration or common sense. Their thoughts are almost completely circular in nature, which never seeks to expand but rather to only reinforce itself. They were not taught to discuss things in open exchange with their children, who are considered below them on the vertical hierarchy, but to train and teach them to obey and keep their place and duties, for they view their relation to you as a strictly command-obey relationship. And neither is it their strategy to evaluate their methods and results to find out what is or isn’t working and what needs to be changed. No, they will continue doing things that don’t work, simply because it is “the way”. You cannot depend on them to change their approach, instead, that is what YOU have to do.
Instead, rather than resist them or argue back, you simply AGREE with or AFFIRM their critical comments and lectures. This quells the energy they project at you, allowing it no outlet to become stronger or more intense, and decreases the chances of them repeating it again later. This approach is more effective if you express agreement with them of course, and I suggest you do so if the issue is so trivial that it doesn’t really matter either way. But if it is an issue that does really matter, then you can just use the affirmation approach with them, expressing your disagreement with them afterward, as in the first approach. By using this Zen approach, you decrease possible tension build up between you and them, which heightens the chances of open communication, rapport, receptiveness, and compromise.
Also, when expressing your disagreement to them, remember to use “I” language rather than “you” language. You do this simply by phrasing your statements in terms of their relation and significance to you such as “I feel”, “I think”, “I want”, “I need”, “My position is this”, etc. rather than making statements at them like “You are so”, “You never”, “You did this”, “Because of you”, etc. By doing this, you help them to view your situation more objectively and calmly, rather than in a heated exchange of finger pointing, which fuels emotion rather than reason.
If the above approaches don’t work, then you may have to try to move out, but try to remain on amicable terms with them by utilizing the two approaches above, for you may need their help someday and healthy families are always integral to a person’s overall well-being.
Or, you can try this. I have heard accounts of the Chicken Soup for the Soul book series doing wonders in opening up the hearts and minds of Asian parents. Therefore, you can try giving copies of that book series to them as gifts. If necessary, there are copies available in other languages that you can order as well. You can get them for dirt cheap prices at your local used bookstore or at www.half.com (has very dirty cheap music CD’s as well as used books, with most popular titles available).
However, if you an older Asian family relative or friend suddenly comes and gives you rude unwanted advice, lectures, or criticism, which often happens in Oriental families, you can give them this new single page declaration statement I wrote up just for this purpose, which you can find at https://www.happierabroad.com/Declaration_Asian.htm
In
spite of all this, remember that Taiwanese people are known to be
kind,
good-natured, hospitable, giving people full of conscience and
morals.
And their cuisine is exceptionally well prepared and tasty, with a
great
variety, and very inexpensive as well. In fact, Oriental
cuisine in
general is internationally renowned as one of the best, if not the best
in the
world, on par with Italian and French cuisine, but with even more
variety. So try to see the positive as well.
My own father urged me to try to be sympathetic to the seeming repressiveness of Asian mentality as well. In his words:
“Dear
Win,
Asian
are usually very
reserved, polite and hard working people. They were brought up to
respect
authority figures (such as teachers, police), older people and their
family members and friends. It is also the way to survive in
that kind of
society. Japanese is the extreme example of all these characters.
Loyalty also
plays a very significant part in their culture. If you work too many
companies,
you will have hard time finding a company that wants to hire you,
because they
see you as unloyal.
Is
this right or wrong? Hard to say.
It is a culture they grew up, not their choice.
You can like it or hate it, but not criticize it. Asian are
used to this. This is their way to advance. Most of them work all their
lives
in a clummy
job and are very happy, because they
feel happy that they have a job to go to and feed
their families.
They are happy to have a roof over their head. They don't dream about travelling abroad, see other
culture. In
Love,
Dad”
Furthermore, though he is strongly pro-Taiwanese, he admits that much of what I write in this treatise is true, though he urges one to be sympathetic about it:
“It
is also true that
Asian men and women, especially men,
"only"
concern about study hard and getting good job and have very
little interest or know very little outside of that. It is the
society
made them behave that way. Without good grade, they can't
advance to
higher education. Without high education, they can't find good jobs.
Without
good jobs, they can't have the houses, cars and the women they
want to
start a family. They also have responsibility to take care of their
younger
brothers and sisters and older parents. This is Asian tradition that
when you
are young, your older brothers and sisters and parents take care of
you, and it
is your turn when you grow up. So, you see, they don't have many
choices but
study hard from beginning. Life is so boring, right? This is
very
different than western tradition. In
We
brought you here when
you were 3. You are foreign to Asian culture and tradition. You have
your
reason to dislike Asian culture. I urge you to learn and understand
more about
the background why Asians behave that way. You don't have to like it,
but
please try to understand it.
Love,
Dad”
Let me close with some advice given to me by my spiritual advisor on this matter. Perhaps it will serve as an inspiration to you too:
“
Well
Win, the good news
is .... That you find it
"shocking" ...
and not acceptable. This is how things
begin to change, and
that is good. Remember
these parents
have their own samskaras,
past baggage, and it is the
model of reality they have to work
with. Basically we
are all programmed to some degree, whether we like to think so or not.
Anyway, as you
say, all things considered
you ARE
fortunate. Something that might be
interesting for you to
contemplate... from another whole perspective is
.... what
brought you to chose the particular set of parents that
you did? Apparently there was something
that they could offer
you that you felt you needed..
otherwise
you would have chosen different parents.
Of
course karma
enters into all of this also. These are
the mysteries of life
that CAN be known, or at least better understood if we take the time to
learn
how. IT takes a willingness to do some
real inner work, but
it is probably worth it so that your current life situation will make
more
sense to you.
How
amazing it
all is when we eventually realize that our own Higher Self is
judging none
of this but is simply witnessing your whole play of life
with blissful
detachment... while the impure EGO ... goes on and on thinking THIS is
Good and
THAT is Aweful
and on and on.
What a Play Winston Wu has created
.. this time
around : )
And to
think... what we do right now is setting the whole stage for our
next
"action adventure" :
)
Peace, Faith.”
Thanks for reading and allowing me to share.
Sincerely,
Winston
Taiwanese
and Chinese people are not afraid to say to someone directly
"You are fat" or "You've gained weight". They even said
that to foreigners too, who told me so. But in the states, it
is VERY
inappropriate and rude to do that. It seems to be their way
of passing
petty judgment on others.
Also, table etiquette
manners is an area of life in
Taboo Observations about Taiwan
The Pros and Cons of Taiwan: What other sites never tell you
Missionary
confirms my observations about Taiwan
Taiwan vs. America: Differences and Similarities